New Years Eve – just been for a run in the park with Kipper – visited the beech tree and thought about last year – which we spent with Alan and Moira in Mallorca – it was such a special evening – our best and last New Years Eve together. This is the four of us last year.


Have the boys staying over as Peri’s Choir is singing at John Barnes’s wedding today – we were going to go for a good long walk with Alex and Jim but yesterday they discovered that Jimmy goes back to school on Wednesday - and not a week on Monday - so they are going to do some serious Maths and Physics today and I will give Aziz and Jamal the choice of the Gormley statues or the red squirrels!

Scattering the Ashes

Yesterday we scattered Chris’s ashes around the beech tree behind the bench where he used to sit when he was IPWD.

There was eight of us and the dog. Paul, Rob, and Alex went over to Lark Lane and picked up Chris’s ashes and met Nita for a drink in Keiths. Sue, Gilly and I had a glass of champagne at home and then walked over with Jimmy and Kipper - and we all met up in the park.

We didn’t make a big ceremony out of it – Rob, Paul and the Officer played their roles and then we simply encircled the beech tree with Chris’s ashes and together remembered the lovely man. Gilly placed a bunch of flowers and we all came home to share a meal.

I had made some fine soup into which I had put tiny dried chillies and it tasted wonderful and then kicked you! Hadn’t meant it to be that hot but it was good. Rob played some of Chris’s CDs which was important as none of us had been able to listen to Chris’s music particularly Rob. We then just talked and reminisced for the rest of the evening - which is exactly what Chris would have wanted us to do.

After I said good bye to Paul and Sue this morning I walked the dog over to the beech tree – which I glad to say that Paul – the Woodman - had pronounced as ‘sound tree’ yesterday. The ashes were still visible - I sat on the bench and listened to the bird song and the wind in the trees - and felt at peace.

Went IPWD and Jamal this morning and we had a lovely long discussion – starting off from ‘Can dogs be left/right pawed?” and ending up with Jamal reflecting on what happens to your soul after you die. I don’t know how much he listened last night – I know Aziz was part of some of the discussions - it’s a bit difficult to describe exactly what happened – but I think a satellite going over house last night would have seen it glowing with emotion!

Alex and Jim are on their third hour of physics for today – Alex is letting him off an hour early as he is going to Joe’s birthday party! Paul and Sue are coming over tomorrow and I look forward to seeing them.

Tonight was something else – but I feel privileged to be part of it. Don’t know how Chris would have coped with it - but probably wonderfully by just being there – so he wasn’t – so the dynamics were a bit off kilter – probably more emotional than normal but we did it – and I am glad I did – though am feeling a bit drained now.

Back home

I am, pleased to say Christmas is over. Though I think it went well – it was lovely to spend time with my parents and sons – I felt like an honorary boy – and this was compounded by sleeping in my childhood bed. I think the last time I would have slept there was before I got married – over 32 years ago – the room hadn’t changed at all – different wallpaper but I sure the lampshade and the furniture are the same – including the holiday souvenirs from Klagenfurt which I brought back when I was 13. Mum and Dad’s house is basically the same as was when I lived there. Thought a lot about that whilst away – thinking about the 16 year old Tricia.

Had a bit of a strop on Boxing Day as I felt we hadn’t talked about Chris enough – so full of too much beer I had a bit of a weepy but I felt better afterwards. I know my parents are in their late 80s and didn’t really want to talk about Chris dying but as Ian said – he was becoming a huge elephant in the corner of the room! Fiona, Ian and Becki came over yesterday which was lovely – thinking back I recall Ian and I have got a bit pissed together on other Boxing Days!

Anyway home now - Aziz and Jamal due soon with Pat, Nita and Neil coming for tea. The house is really cold and I have lit the fire but Kipper’s happy on his new bed.

Peaceful thoughts

Just been IPWD reflecting on the wonderfully deep conversation I had with Clare last night – it has left me with a really powerful feeling of peace which is so good. She confirmed - what I knew in my heart - that Chris is at peace.

Off to my Mum and Dad’s now

Today Rob and I went and gave blood – thinking it would be really quiet – but apparently it was the busiest day in their year – not sure why – but it is always a satisfying thing to do.

Then some food shopping for Mums followed by making mega mushroom soup as Gilly and her sister Clare the veggie are around for tea tonight - which will be nice. Clare and I share a birthday and I have always felt close to her.

I’ve decided what I am doing for New Year – having Aziz and Jamal and being at home with a neurotic dog – fireworks always get him going! We will then play it by ear but I am hoping sons and friends drop in during the evening – I’ll make some soup.

Am feeling lonely at the moment despite the best efforts of sons and friends but although sad am not unhappy – I used to meet Stella after Martin’s death and she would say – ‘We are sad but not unhappy’ didn’t quite know what she meant – but I do now.

Thinking a lot about Chris at the moment – I suppose it is because I am off work and have more time to think but I suppose the time of year is also a big factor. Still feeling generally OK, not really worried about Christmas - though have recognised the fact that this will be first Christmas for over 30 years that I haven’t spent with Chris. Am glad I am going home to Mum and Dad’s – because in all my life I have either spent Christmas with Chris and/or my parents. So how lucky is that!

Rob’s birthday went surprising well – I bought him a lovely coat after we had looked at half the shops in Liverpool – but it was worth the trouble. Rob, like the other two boys, doesn’t ever go clothes shopping, so the day had novelty value for us both!

In the evening we went for an Indian meal which was really nice and then we all met up with some of Rob’s friends and some of mine. It was another first – the first time I had been drinking in Lark Lane with all three of my sons!

Been Christmas shopping today as feel I should – but my heart’s not really in it. Anyway done what I have to do and tomorrow will go out with Rob to buy some stuff to take to my Mums.

Alex is working Jimmy very hard – it’s physics today – mind you he showed me his end of year test paper – you can only get better than 0%!

Had a somewhat tetchy email correspondent with Chris’ employer who attached two letters he maintained he sent me – I replied suggesting they reviewed their organisational processes because it’s all very well writing letters but if the recipient doesn’t get them – they’re not a lot of use! Chris would have had a laugh at this as he always sceptical of their ability to organises things!

Feeling quite comfortable today.

Learning Journeys

The Christmas party was good – though I had a couple of deep breath moments at the beginning with so many University people there – but as the afternoon went on I relaxed more – I was surrounded by my Team whom I think are just the most amazing, caring and classy bunch - they have been so incredibly supportive and are just so good at their jobs!

I met several people that I talked to at length - and when I woke up this morning - and thought through things - I made a big connection between my work and my life. At work we use the expression ‘Learning Journey’ to describe what we do – getting young people, their families and adult returners to see that they are on a Learning Journey and that they have choices.

What I realised this morning was that our lives are Learning Journeys – thinking back over the last three months I recognised how much I have learned from Chris’s death – about myself, about life and death - about what is important to me – and about what a steep learning curve it has been! I also see how lucky I have been with having Chris as a life partner and his legacy is what I have learnt over our time together, what his boys have learnt with having him as their father and what others who knew him, learnt from that opportunity. This blogg has been my record of this particular three month learning journey.

Someone said to me yesterday that I am very strong but in someways I don't think I am - I have been lucky with my teachers - my parents, Chris - and I am lucky that I have been open to learning - and I always knew that Chris had more to teach me than I could ever give him.

Rob's birthday today and I will now run Jim into school - where I don't think he is doing a lot of learning - but am less worried about this as he has been set a strong course for his learning journey by his father and he too is a good learner!

The 12 week loop

Well it’s 6.30 on Tuesday morning and I'm in the 12 week loop.

I was lying in bed – thinking about this and my thoughts come out it terms of what I will write on the blogg – and that's the thing I really love about the blogg - it's a focus for my thoughts – I compare to when I was away and phoning home – it’s a distillation of my day/thoughts - the things that I would tell Chris.

What is doesn’t give me is his side of the picture – what he would have done or thought about that day and I suppose that’s what loneliness is – and acceptance – and as I write this with tears pouring down my face – I know I’m passing another milestone – this one’s called 12 weeks – and there are so many of them - everyday has it’s own milestone or kilometrestone – I remember last summer having a discussion with Chris whether there was such a thing as a kilometrestone!

Cup of tea in the flag mug later.

So what’s happened in these 12 weeks. The first four were spent like zombies – and looking back at those firsts - they were enormous - each one a mountain. The next four weeks were me preparing to go back into the real world – IPWD - going away with Gilly – buying clothes – and the last four weeks have been me back at work – clearing out my office - going to Boston – feeling like the little boat in a mine field – yet growing in confidence.

My house has changed – it’s now emptier - quieter – though for some of these 12 weeks it’s been full of people, flowers, laughing and crying. It does now have a fully functioning down stairs toilet which is good. The kitchen has lost all it’s coffee beans – and the Juicer rules. There are different things in the fridge and the ironing board has gone into a cupboard.

Jimmy and I ate our rare breed pork chops on the table last night and discussed anything but his school work and I spent the evening on the phone talking to old friends around the country.

So as my new life continues to grow I feel the need to sign off the outstanding details of Chris’s life – which is why I wrote to his employer last night and asked for a formal letter – I asked at work and it is standard to write to the widow of an employee – even if they were part-time.

Today the University Christmas dinner – well that doesn’t sound like too much hard work and tomorrow is Rob’s birthday and I‘m off then until January the 8th.

I am hiding in the back room so I thought I’d do my blogg. Alex is working with Jimmy on his Maths and Physics in the other room, which is fantastic. I knew that school wasn’t really working for Jimmy but I also didn’t feel I could go there. My first attempt a few weeks ago was a bit of a disaster. Anyway Alex has talked to school and is now getting Jimmy down to some hard work – he is a very patient teacher – particularly as he has a very bad hangover this morning having been out for Jake’s birthday yesterday evening and got in a round with Mattie Savage! Rob is going to talk history with Jim and I will support the process by doing my favourite thing of feeding boys and making lots of cups of tea.

Went for a run this morning and got absolutely soaked but I enjoyed it. I have decided that I am not going to send Christmas cards this year and we don’t think we will get a Christmas tree or decorate the house – though I think I will put the outside lights up later this week as the Avenue always looks good and this is the first house.

I don’t want to send cards for several reasons – I am still in October in my head - and I just don't feel remotely Christmassy – also Chris used to do our cards and I can’t face doing them – so I wont and I am sure my friends and family will understand.

We are going to Mum and Dads for Christmas which will be fine – they usually come here – so going there will be different - and I am looking at it more like a holiday away - Rob and I have just talked to my Mum about the shopping etc.

Time to make the working boys another cup of tea!

Getting used to being on my own

I have just spent my longest time alone in the house ever. The boys are all away at the snooker in York and are back later today. Being on my own has been good for me and if I look back over the last three months – I think this was the thing I have been dreading most – being completely on my own. I could have phoned people last night – I could have done my blogg but I didn’t - I read the paper, watched some telly, drank some wine and was OK.

IPWD this morning I was thinking about being on my own and how I will get used to it and I at some point enjoy it – I was just thinking this when a rainbow appeared and reinforced my opinion!

Did some money things and had a run in with a ‘jobs worth’ in the Abbey building society who was just telling me that ‘their policy requires a death certificate as well as the probate’. I walked and will do it by post. I have a strong feeling that I want to get these bits and pieces of loose ends tied up.

Work was good yesterday and I didn’t run into too many mines – though I was very tired by the end of the week.

Just cooked large veggie pies – cooking for boys always makes me happy and I will now go and pick them up.

'Post Chris' world of work

Feel that my blogg is a bit dysfunctional at the moment and think it is because I am!

I am also operating in two worlds – me and this world – all the things that go along with my ‘Post-Chris’ world – my home, my boys, my friends/family – my ‘out of work’ life - so I’m getting to grips this ‘me’ world - cooked quite well this week - managed to shop etc etc – but I’m also going back into the other world - my 'world of work' – and as I become more at home there – it is becoming strangely alien to me!

Having re-read this sentence – I see why I’m a bit dysfunctional at the moment!

I compare my life at the moment to that of a small ship – sailing in a mine field. The mine sweeper has passed over my friends, family and close work colleagues – I can meet them comfortably – but in the world of at work I feel like I’m in a mine field – people are re-acting so strangely to me – probably because they know a ‘work mode’ of me – and also people put their own interpretations onto my situation – it is very hard - people trying to be helpful can be so very difficult.

I have found this week hard but I have also had some great support and that’s what it’s all about.

Had a long conversation with Bryony in the middle of posting this blogg and have decided that other people's dysfunctionality is not my problem!

The day started badly – I felt terrible this morning – blamed Gilly and her excellent bottle of wine – but when I got into work Trish, Mary and Janine said they had also had real problems getting up this morning – I was very relieved –I thought I had depression but I think I just had jet lag (compounded by a slight hangover!)

Anyway continued to get back into the world of work – started looking at the WP team finances!

Met my oldest friend Tricia after work – we were neighbours as children - she was in Liverpool for a course – and we had a nice cup of coffee together – which was good – I only ever knew one Tricia for years – but now I have two Tricias in my team and another one in the Department.

Have just emailed good friends in the US and am delighted that Renata is coming to Liverpool early February.

Also date set with the Officer re the ‘Ashes’ – the time is now right.

But of a jumble this blogg – but that’s probably because that’s how I feel!

A better day

Today was much better – mind I didn’t go out of my comfort zone at work – but that’s OK.

Another reason I was so upset yesterday was actually a lovely one – when I came home from work there was a Christmas card – which had been sent by Chris’s friends and colleagues at Clarence Street – it was an Oxfam card which ‘Teaches a teacher’ somewhere in the world. I’m looking at it now and am very very moved by the kind thought – it makes me cry but that’s not a bad thing!

Dial-a-Deli came yesterday and I bought all these new things – things for two - like two rare breed pork chops and two free-range chicken kebabs. Seemed a good idea for Jim and me on a week night. I have decided to cook more vegetarian stuff over Christmas and to actually consult recipe books – I have never really done this – I always just cooked what I knew - but Chris always liked to try new recipes.

Gilly is coming round for tea tonight - she and her sister Clare from Australia - called round briefly on Sunday – but it will be nice to see Gilly – apparently the boots fitted perfectly!

Well today was horrible.

Yesterday was too good – back home and happy to be so – bad night of sleeping – then into work with a vengeance! My first real meeting – I made the assumption that people would know – and was faced with ‘Why haven’t you done this?’ To which I had to reply – because I haven’t been in work for a couple of months – to be met with ‘Why?’ in a public place – it was so hard – I had to give reasons – with half the people cringing knowing why and others looking for an explanation – it was horrible – but I suppose it was an important first – I struggled – and will probably continue to do so – anyway on top of a bad nights sleep and jet lag – it was grim.

But I did it and though I feel like shit tonight – work wise I hit the wall of nearly walking out – but I didn’t and I talked the talk and did my stuff – so that’s good.

It was then compounded by going to the bank to pay in some cheques in Chris’s name with a friendly bank teller – saying – ‘Hi haven’t seen you for ages’ – despite the fact I handed him the Probate form – so in front of loads of students etc – he‘s saying ‘How are you?' I just wanted to run – but again I didn’t – so that’s another good thing – though I so understand people who do – anyway he said ‘ You look well – all things considering.’ My mind is boggled – I don’t know which side I’m on – his being up front - being positive to my face – or other people running away from me!

Anyway having talked to my three sons – all differently – about how difficult I found today – and that’s how lucky I am. Trying my best to think positively tonight – yes I am lucky – yes I’m not doing this on my own – but yes – it is very hard.

Anyway I will now email my friend Rene and Renata is on Skype – I’m not going to let a bad day get me down.

Happy to be home

It is so nice to be home.

Just made the boys banana pancakes with sausage and organic maple syrup – and it is definitely one of my favourite thing feeding boys pancakes!

Had a good run in the park – the mp3 player chose Leonard Cohen and Ray Charles – both nice and slow – and finished off with Pulp – ‘Common People’ live at Glastonbury - for many reasons one of my Desert Island choices.

Expecting a couple of visitors later on and just feel so pleased to be back home!

Back home

It’s lovely to be back home though I found the process of coming home really hard.

We had been working away, filling the rest of time with companionable shopping and fine Boston dining when suddenly it was the last day, bitingly cold winds so we pottered, buying hats, souvenirs and make-up until it was time to go to the airport.

At some point during the day the recognition that I was going home to a ‘Chris-less’ house hit me and I struggled.

Trish, Mary and Janine were lovely and the made it easier for me. Anyway the flight was OK, we slept and then I was home.

I have now picked the dog up, slept for a bit and admired Jim in his new jeans and feel so happy to be home, drinking one of Rob’s cup of teas – he makes the best cup of tea in the world!

So back home feeling safe – just going food shopping with Rob - Aziz and Jamal around at 4 ‘til Monday – Peri is taking her choir to the final of the BBC Choir competition.

I am so lucky.

I woke very early yesterday and felt very homesick but when I met the others for breakfast – they were all feeling the same. Finally worked out how to use to phone card from the hotel room so I talked to both Rob and Alex and felt better.

In the morning we looked around the downtown area, visiting the African Meeting Hall and school. Later we had a long meeting with another Foundation which we all felt went very well. Then Charlie took us to dinner with Joan.

Am very ready to go home today and feel that it has been a successful trip. Not just for the team but for me personally. It has been a long week and I do struggle whenever I come to America with the wasteful approach to the environment epitomised in the monstrously large cars and portions of food etc. However the people I meet are also just lovely and the best bit of this trip has been meeting some old friends and I have enjoyed and appreciated their love.

The weather forecast for today is snow.

This is a picture of Trish and Janine at the Old State House in downtown Boston - this is where the whole Boston Tea Party kicked off!

Well Brenda’s hug was bone crushing!

We went round Dorcas Place which was mind blowing and then the others went off to a Family Literacy Center and came back just full of ideas – which was good – I told Brenda the story of my last two months which weepy but also good.

After lunch I drove us back from Providence and we called into a Mall and I did some shopping – taking advice re my new image. Got back at 7 to a message from Charlie re an event which started at 7 – so I just went – it was an amazing ‘event’ celebrating the 200th anniversary of the building of the African Meeting House of Boston – very though provoking – but in my current frame of mind – there is little that isn’t thought provoking – especially being here in America.

I am feeling very tired now and more than a bit emotionally drained after today – but also very positive about the exciting potential of the work stuff.

Today was probably the hardest day of this trip – probably because I am close to Brenda and she is feeling for me.

Joan and I went out last night and ate blue fish and talked work which was good. Today we are going to Rhode island to see Brenda’s adult center. Brenda always greets people with a bone crushing hug and Joan and I were laughing that I ought to wear some of protection because we both knew that the hug I get later today will be a serious bone-crusher and I look forward to it!

I find America a hard place to be comfortable in because of the extremes for example the homeless sleeping rough in the affluence that is downtown Boston. I know that these extremes are visible in Europe but the contrast is so much greater here and I know we will see that today in Brenda’s center.

Spoke to Gilly last night , she and Jim seemed to be fine and she was thrilled to hear about her boots!

A very early start this morning – didn’t sleep well at all.

Yesterday was really good – started with a snow storm – but the day got beautifully sunny as it went along.


We did our stuff at one of the Foundations and I think we made an impression – I was very proud of my team. We then went to UMass and I met my dear friend Joan whilst the others met staff and students. Dinner with Joan and Charlie – was lovely and then back to the hotel – I was so tired that I went to sleep too early. The others were waiting for Serena to arrive from UConn.

I have a growing feeling that this trip is important to me on several levels – and it is making me increasingly aware that I am now in a very different position to when I was in New York in mid September. With Chris no longer a physical part of my life – I am now facing a completely different set of choices for my future.

I know I must take my time and not make any hasty decisions. However I am aware that even without making decisions – I am starting to look at things quite differently – and I think in order to rebuild my life I do have to look at things differently.

Today we taking professor Fluffy into a school – Janine and Trish are nervous but I am looking forward to it.

Another early start – but I slept which was OK. Yesterday I had a wonderful afternoon with Ingvild – she is a remarkable young woman. We walked around the downtown area – it was very cold but bright and sunny. This is Ingvild next to the ice ring at Frog Pond.

I told her about Jimmy’s text – which had I recieved on landing in Boston – wishing me a good trip. When I thanked him on the phone – he told me he had put his alarm on for 7.30 on the day I left - so he could text me and it would only cost him 12p! I was very touched by this as it showed how much he had thought it through - me going away - him concerned about me – but also being cautious with his money - he is his Father’s son!

We talked a lot about Chris but we also talked about her experiences of living in New York. America is such a country of contrasts.

Trish, Mary and Janine shopped ‘til they dropped and got me Gilly’s boots which was good. We went for another amazing meal – and all managed to stay awake until 10!

Charlie is due to pick us up shortly and then we will have to start working!

It’s 7 o’clock Sunday morning Boston. We arrived early afternoon yesterday and had a nice wander around Boston getting increasingly tired/spaced out as the day went on and on and on…

I finally gave up at 9.30 and went to sleep in the wonderful bed – it has buttons to press to make it softer or harder – great fun! Woke up early and went for a swim in the hotel pool – that was really good as it’s Sunday and I usually have a run so I did some made up water aerobics for half an hour as I had the pool entirely to myself - but it was 6 o'clock!

I then spent another half an hour trying to remember my login for the blogg – I was so pleased when I got it right - as writing this blogg is important to me - at the moment it feels like me ringing up Chris and telling him about my day. Pause for little weep and cup of tea!

I brought several herb teabags with me which are nice when your body’s confused by time changes. Here is picture of Boston this morning.

Mary, Trish and Janine are going to a shopping outlet today – I am meeting Ingvild who is coming over from New York where she is working for a year. We will also meet up with Charlie so I am looking forward to my day with these two special people.

Someone wrote to me the other day about feeling like they were on a roller coaster and I replied that is exactly where I am in my life – an emotional roller coaster. Tonight was not hard – on a scale of things - I’m doing OK – but it was a hugely emotional evening – and I had one of those last night – and yes the night before!

But tonight - several factors – Nita and Neil’s 10th wedding anniversary held in the Sefton Cricket Club – I had been worried about other things so finding myself in the Cricket Club on a Friday night- I hadn’t really thought about that – I'd been there not so long ago at Chris’s funeral – so that added another layer of emotion – add-on good friends who haven’t seen me since the funeral – emotional!

Nita and Neil – well………………how do I start – going back to Jan – my life with Chris – the inter woven relationships etc etc - the strength of Nita – an extra-ordinary woman - Pat making a very moving speech – my Rob being amazing – Jim – and I hadn’t even thought of the Cricket Club thing!

Background – long and complex – Neil has Huntington's Chorea – a cruel disease which has robbed Nita’s lovely husband Neil of his ability to walk, talk and communicate.

Nita is amazing – she knows, lives with and triumphs over Neil’s viscous degenerative disease and the wonderful celebration of their 10th wedding anniversary – 20 years of being together (still ongoing at the Cricket Club) was fantastic.

On top of this I am going to Boston tomorrow.

But tonight I met again Nita’s friends and bingo partners – both wonderful widows in their 80’s – and as they topped up their orange juices with vodka from their handbags – they said to me “ You just have to get on with it girl!” and they are so right!

DaDafest dinner

It’s late on Thursday night and I have just come back from the DaDafest Dinner. When I went back to work last Wednesday I found an invite from the Government Office and I thought it would be a good way to meet a lot of people I know in an informal setting – and it was. The meeting people I expected and that was good – not easy but OK – people are still shocked to see me – but I am coping better with the surge of emotion that other peoples emotions evokes. It is hard but also lovely – deep breath – and I can cope – usually.

My host Richard has been where I am and it was good to talk. We discussed the comparative merits of a terminal illness over several months compared to a sudden death like Chris’s – only the kind of conversation you can have when you are a member of the club!

What I hadn’t expected was such a strong feeling of moving on - tonight I also saw many people from my past and recognised some of my own legacy. That sounds pretentious but this week - with going back to work I am asking myself the question where will I be in five years? – what do I want to do? – how can I contribute? And tonight just re-enforced that – looking back over my life – all those bin bags of paper that I recycled last week – that’s what I’ve done - what am I going to do in the future? This is also in the context of going to Boston on Saturday – my professional world is full of opportunity – this is exciting and also scary - because I'll have to do it own my own now.

DaDafest is something else and Anne the bread maker won the new Media Award which was great – congrats Anne!

On a domestic front I managed to burn a pan of boiled potatoes for Jim’s tea – now that is unbelievable!

Working - well getting there

Well – I’m proud of myself – have just got back from London – there and back in a day – my usual routine. Glad Mary came with me – and it has been a very long day – had a weep in the car coming back from the station but that’s OK – met quite a few people I’ve known for a long time – most knew but two didn’t – even told a man from Microsoft about how great my blogg has been and why – so that’s not bad! Spoke at the conference – but anyone who knows me would have been concerned if I didn’t – not certain if it made a lot of sense but think I got my point over – but there again do you ever know what people think! Had some good work thoughts re the future - so that’s all positive and as I said at the beginning of this blogg – I am proud of myself!

Well – Jim and I we had our tea together and it was good – Jim ate loads – yesterday he only picked at his food – so that and sitting together companionably talking/laughing about the problems of Alex’s plumbing was easy and relaxed - Jimmy was quite late getting back from the snooker – though he phoned to say they were stuck in a long game – he has now gone out again to Richard’s - this is all good stuff as Jimmy’s mates are good lads.

He has to do it at his pace and I have to do it at mine – this has been a hard weekend though.

The door bell rang and it was another delivery of home made bread from Anne - Jack’s Mum – I had resolved the bread problem by buying Tesco’s organic and getting them to slice it – Ok but not the real stuff – so a loaf of real bread will start our week off well!

Jim’s not home yet – he is playing snooker with some mates – and I have just set the table for two of us – we have eaten at the table when there have been others in the house – but it’s now time for the two us to start eating together at the table – I have moved things around so they are different but it is funny how it is the little things that get to you!

Sunday

Saturday was grim – well bits of it were – Jimmy decided – and a good decision – that he wanted to do some work but as he’s missed so much school - either by not being there physically or just not being there - he was uncertain of where to start - and we nether coped well with the ensuing discussions - I wanting to help, Jimmy wanting not to upset me – both not knowing the best thing to do - Alex phoned in the middle and got both of us!

Anyway the day did get better and Aziz, Jamal and Rob came round and I managed to cook some reasonably nice chicken, and Jamal ate five pieces and we all ate cake, raspberries and cream/ice cream. Jimmy was quiet but we had an OK evening.

I was going to see Casino Royale with the boys this morning at FACT but Aziz woke up as sick as a dog and has vomited all day, so Rob took Jim and Jamal instead.

The choir that Peri conducts has got through to the finals of the 2006 BBC Radio 3 Choir of the Year which is fantastic news – she rehearses with them every Sunday. I am going to have the boys for the weekend of the final and we will either listen to it radio or it might be on TV. I saw a video of Peri and the Choir and she looked amazing!

Back to work tomorrow though I am going to the Probate Office in the morning to do what ever I have to do – I know it involves swearing and taking two forms of identity – I’m taking Jim the Exec with me – I’ll be glad when it’s all over with and I can draw a line under the money etc stuff.

Got a lovely email today which told me to take things slowly and I think this is good advice. I think it would be easy for me to pick up loads of stuff and then to struggle – and I do struggle – yesterday for example.

So back to work – TAKING IT SLOWLY – taking my time – and recognising that although I’m OK I am still ‘Work in progress!’

Time to make some supper for Jim and I – and with my cooking disasters - that too is work in progress!

Gilly was unwell so Friday night out on Lark Lane was cancelled – so Rob and I went to Smithdown and had a very pleasant few pints – and talked deeply and it was very good.

Jim has now gone out for the night with his mates – and he told me they were planning to go down town. I’m glad he told me – but at the same time I am on my own worrying about him – though I recall my own adolescence and the difference is – I don’t think I ever told my Mother what I was doing at 16 – though like Jim I was the third child and parents do gain some immunity as their children do things which are worrying.

So a different Friday night again – if Chris was here he would have given me some reassurance but in the same way Jim has to do things on his own – so must I.

When Rob and I were in the pub we met someone from the University – whom I assume would have known about Chris ‘cos we work quite closely with his Department - but he didn’t know and asked questions - and then he told us about how he had lost his Dad very suddenly – watching a cricket match at 54 – when he had just started his PhD – it made me think about my boys and I talked with Rob about it – because 30+ years later he could still recall his devastation very clearly. I keep having these moments of insight into other people’s lives.

I am very tired tonight – three days at work – clearing out my office was just enough – I think I will have a herbal tea and hopefully that combined with beer will make me sleep!

IPWD – dark, cold and lonely – it’s funny but the more I have gone back into the real world the lonelier I seem to feel. That’s not to say I am not surrounded by the most wonderful, friends, family and colleagues all of whom are there for me all the time – popping in and checking up on me!

I suppose this is just another big step for me the recognition that I have lost Chris’s presence in my life – and that does feel very lonely.

On the other hand – and this blogg is part of me forcing myself to look at the ‘other hand’ I have a great family, fantastic friends, wonderful colleagues and a job I love. So I shall drink this tea – in the new big mug of flags, have a bowl of porridge – one the few things I seem able to cook at the moment! - and go to work to finish completely annihilating my office – and also have lunch with some of the Aimhigher Co-coordinators and discuss year 12s – and then go to Lark Lane with Gilly – so my life might be a bit lonely but it is full - and Renata has just started Skyping from Croatia – the whole of their education system is on strike from primary to HE!

IDWD at dawn – a different set of dog walkers – ‘the workers.’ We met Shadow a doppelganger of Kip. His owner awarded Kipper an ASBO for his antisocial behaviour towards Shadow – barking and running away - weird!

Got an email about the saxophone it was made in 1938 in Paris.

When I first heard that it had been arranged for us to go out for dinner to discuss Boston on my first day back at work - I must admit that I thought that I would struggle – but this evening has been lovely – the opportunity to talk through going to Boston as well as a variety of other opportunities has really brought it back to me the excitement of this work. I am very tired but also really looking forward to being back at work properly – though I don’t know if I’ll feel quite so enthusiastic tomorrow morning when it’s IPWD at dawn!

Back at work

First day over – flowers in my office, fancy coffee and lots of smiles – thank you.

Spent most of the day working out the new email and diary system though did get as far as starting a ‘Task list’ by the afternoon – which I think was pretty good. Think I’ll have a clear out tomorrow – I’ve got quite good at re-cycling paper recently! Off out tonight for the ‘Boston Tea Party’ aka ‘An informal feedback session’ Emy and Margaret briefing the four of us who are going to Boston the first week in December. I had some lovely emails from American friends today and then when I came home more from other friends thinking about me on my first day back.

Lindsey said I should have had my picture taken in the front garden – like those ‘First day at Big School’ photos I have got x3 beautiful boys – it was like that – my first day of being the new me!

I am a lucky person.

Last day of house sorting – am now on first names terms with the woman in the Oxfam shop and the man at the tip! Today I did kitchen stuff – bowls and baking trays mainly - cleaned out the cupboards and then bought a new set of four plates and bowls for us - dark blue and a good size for Jimmy’s nocturnal diet of crunchy nut cornflakes!

Tomorrow Jimmy and I will both start working – he has effectively missed a whole module of his ASs – I think he is only now beginning to properly wake up – he was in a very deep shock. He has now got to come to terms with studying at VIth Form and he’s the only one who can to make the decision to apply himself - but he’s a bright boy and well supported – so I’m sure he will – he is worried though.

Hope the weather is better tomorrow – going IPWD is bad enough at the crack of dawn without it hailing - the dog has taken to coughing pathetically when it rains!

My second to last day before going back to work has been OK – still sorting – today re-cycled all Chris’s files – some shredded - the rest paper waste. Also decided to find new homes for Chris’s instruments - Jim will talk to a couple of guitar playing friends tomorrow but we will take professional advice re the alto sax – French and over 50 years old – I want it to go to someone who appreciates the subtleties of these things.

The back room is looking lighter – still messy but it’s almost echoey in here now.

I have just looked back at my list of things to do before going back to work and they were:
Reading several books cover to cover,
Being able to watch/listen to the news,
Buying a newspaper and reading more than the sudoku,
Sleeping better,
Going to the supermarket and doing a proper weekly shop

I have now read 4 books – slow but getting there.
Watch/listened to the news though still switch off more than I used to.
I buy newspapers and have read more than the sudoku – though still do the sudoku.
Sleeping better but not brilliantly – wake up and usually go back to sleep though sometimes it takes a while – I can see the time so clearly with the giant digital display of new CD/radio!
Result Jim and I went to Tescos tonight and did a good shop - also cooked a great stir fry c.f. last night’s culinary disaster!

My new life involves shopping and cooking – the weird thing is that I used to do all the shopping and cooking but over the years Chris took over both. He was brought up in the strong Geordie tradition that men didn’t go into the kitchen but over the years we evolved roles – when the boys were young I would cook and Chris would tell the boys brilliant bedtime stories and afterwards together we would wash up.

Over the last few years my favourite has been the pizza – Chris would make the dough – roll it out onto the various trays, shop for all the special bits and prepare them and I would come home from work and do Chris a favour by putting them all together – easy peasy!

I will look up the pizza dough recipes – we have all the trays including the soapstone from Finland – and dial a pizza is a ridiculous price!

Today I also enjoyed Sophie’s blogg from Germany – Sophie you and Adam must come to Liverpool and have a pizza – get Jenko to sort out a date!

Positive thoughts!

Looked at the blogg for Friday night and feel much more cheerful – now – Sunday afternoon.

Had a good run in the park this morning the weather was beautiful – the dog was in danger of being left behind! Last night went out with the 'girls' to a new restaurant – the Sakara – the food was great - tapas type – my favourite. The owner turned out to be the daughter of an old friend of Gilly’s whom I also knew. She asked me the question “How’s your lovely fella?” and I have to give her the painful answer. I am getting better at this - even told the sales assistant in M&S, as I said I was buying some clothes to go back to work, and she asked if I’d been off long and why – pretty dumb questions really! I have now practiced some phrases – like ‘My late husband’ and ‘My husband died a few months ago.' Though it’s actually eight weeks tomorrow.

I have been thinking through going back to work on Wednesday and I have decided to make reasons to visit different parts of the University. As I have worked there for exactly 22 years I am quite well known. I am aware that some people find me quite difficult to react to - and worry about not knowing what to say – what I want people to do is to smile at me and say ‘Good to see you back at work’. Because that’s what I am going to do on Wednesday - go back to work. To a job that I love. I had a very good work idea yesterday and look forward to discussing it with Mary!

So next week I will find reasons to visit various corners of the University and I am hoping once people know I’m back and have smiled at me at least once I can become the working me again. Jimmy and I will sort out our new routine at home and a new phase of our lives will have started.

Now that’s really positive!

Friday night – on my own – Jim at his mates – hard but OK. Watched some telly - talked at length to my sister Ann – good conversation - and sent some emails to cousins etc – I am increasingly recognising that I am in transition – not certain what is on the other side but know I’m on my way there – Deirdre might have some insight for future Friday nights!

Today - Jim and I took 200+ psychology books round to the Oxfam shop – this is a lot of books - filled the car and they had cleared some shelves for them – apparently psychology books always sell well!

The books were hard – the hardest bits was the bookmarks – Chris had marked almost all books with scrubby bits of bookmarks – they varied from photographs to wage slips to letters from distant cousins to score cards for crib – guess the initials! So in order to pass the books on I had to look at them all – Chris really was remarkable – if his book marks were anything to go by!

The little things are important they are also the hardest – today I have asked for a refund for two flights to Sardinia for New Year – that upset me. I have also arranged to take the 200 plus Psychology books to the Oxfam shop who assure me they can sell them.

Going into the office later today to see people and also pick up the deeds for the house and my will from the bank – will have to make a new will myself now. Have been really strong but today is a weepy day.

I was thinking that life is starting to move more quickly - the days pass with less effort – I have a feeling they will be rushing by soon – so I must cherish and relish each one.

I’m looking forward to going back to work – I am rehearsing next week and getting things sorted. Glad I’m not going back on Monday though, as I have a plumber coming round to sort out the toilet and an engineer to fix the washing machine which decided to stop working today!

Rob and I went IPWD today and decided to postpone the ashes scattering until later in December – we went to the chosen tree and had a sad moment – then came back and Jimmy was sorting out his files for school – which is very good!

Went shopping with Les today – she is still waiting for a diagnosis and has a liver scan next week. We had a nice shop – I bought some new work clothes and some bits for the house – quite a conscious effort to make little things different.

Had a good chat to Jim this morning about next week when we are both back at work. I think I will work to 4.30 and then come home and put in another hour at home – whilst Jim does his homework. Am feeling almost ready to go back – the trip away was good for me.

On the way home from Scotland Gilly and I went to see Hadrian’s Wall travelling on the Military Road the B6318 from Greenhead to Chollerford. This is a very special road for me and was Chris’s favourite road. It runs parallel with Hadrian’s Wall and is like a roller coaster up and down – with ‘Severe Dip’ signs every blind summit!

It was along this road that for years we would go to visit Chris’s Mum and it was along this road that Chris would talk about his childhood, Kirk Shields, his parents. I hadn’t thought about visiting this area but I am so glad I did. Touching base with special memories and getting a big first out of my system.

Gilly and I stopped at Housesteads Fort but didn’t linger as it was blowing a gale – photo of me with the Housesteads behind me – looks more impressive in real life! I am wearing a pink tea cosy of a hat that I bought in Fort William.



This is a photo of Chris on the B6318 before we were married.

We also went on a remarkably unforgettable walk. Gilly’s Brother-in-law Stevie, had lend us a book of walks - so confidently ignoring the danger sign – this walk was a proper walk – it was in Stevie’s book so would be fine! We sprackled, clambered and scared ourselves getting covered in mud - whilst beneath us seals cavorted and there no sight or sound of anyone - Amazing!

Last night I met a woman in a pub who has had such a hard life and we talked. Then I awoke in the night and thought about ‘Capacity’ – I talk about this a lot at work and feel now that what this trip has done has enabled me to understand that I have a lot of ‘Capacity’ – probably more than average - I think this is due to my being lucky with my family, husband and circumstances.

I then went back to sleep and woke to discover that I had slept between six and seven on a Tuesday morning – so the trip was a success! Back to work a week tomorrow!

The travellers return

Well – we’ve been away and come back again – Jim stayed at his brother Alex’s in Leeds and Gilly and I went to the western isles of Scotland for a spectacularly wet few days.

We didn’t get to Mull as the ferry was cancelled due to the weather but we went to some beautiful places and saw seals, castles, rainbows, 2,000 year old standing stones and the non stop amazing views which greet you at every corner in that most beautiful part of the world.

It was fun going away with Gilly - we stayed at pubs and ate good food and were very companionable with each other – laughing at our differences I would point out Oyster Catchers and Gilly would point our Porsches!

Rob came round and Jan from next door lent me her binoculars then IPWD – met an old friend with her grandson who didn’t know about Chris.

Off now still feeling low – but Gilly - No pressure – just make me laugh!

late night weepy thoughts

I was just going to bed after Jim came back from watching football at Milo’s – and I was thinking about Jim – he is only 16 – which is really very young – and he has coped superbly – but I was suddenly aware of the pressure this must be putting on him – there is Jim and me in the house – we are having to do every thing as just us two - cooking, washing, getting sorted for next week type stuff. I am finding it all very emotional and he must just want to get on with it – to move on to tomorrow – cope at school – do what 16 year olds do. This is a very weepy blogg – probably because it’s about Jim – and in some ways this is good - as it is me thinking more about his perspective than my own.

Anyway I am glad we are all going away tomorrow – Jim to Alex’s – me and Gilly somewhere – even though I can see my life beyond this time – it is also very hard.

Hadn’t got anything planned today but it’s been OK. Trish, Debs and Paul came round from work and we talked. Can feel it getting closer and once I get the initial first meetings with everyone out of the way I am sure I will be fine.

Margaret and Ioanna also came round and we talked about the impact of specific initiatives on young people in schools which re-enforced my ability to talk about these things!

Jimmy had a meeting at school with his head of VIth form and although he’s been attending school he hasn’t really been participating. We had a good chat about it and have decided not to make any decisions for a bit and see if he can start to concentrate. I said I thought he was doing brilliantly as I haven’t even been able to get into work yet let alone do any work!

Jim, Gilly and I are going away tomorrow. Jim is going to stay at Alex’s and Gilly and I will just go and see where we get too. On the way we are calling into Huddersfield University and Jimmy’s going to meet someone from their music technology course - I’m hoping that this will help him see a bit farther forward which will hopefully help him concentrate. I know it will also be good for him to talk with Alex. Rob has been in London for a few days but is back today.

The dog’s going back into kennels tomorrow, so made a new portable bed for him from an old sleeping bag, appropriately Chris’s old one and cooked a pan of boiled rice for his tea – from his tummy rumbling he’s still got problems!

I was pleased with the news from the US election knowing that a lot of good friends of mine have worked very hard over the last few months/years for such a result.

Another Tuesday morning

I thought I might just crack it this Tuesday morning but no – awoke at exactly 6.00. No getting away from the exact time with my new Alarm/CD player.

So I spent my hour thinking backwards and forwards – thinking back about how far I’ve moved on from the other Tuesday mornings – thinking forward to next Tuesday – in a B&B with Gilly somewhere – the next one – my last day before I go back to work – the next one an early start for the train to London – so from that awful Tuesday morning to an normal Tuesday morning. Let’s hope so.

Got out of bed to go IPWD but his time away, eating his bed and too many herbal sleeping pills have severely disagreed with him so I went IKWM (In Kitchen With Mop) yuuggh!

Today the Americans go to the polls. I find the timing of the sentencing of Sadaam so manipulative but Hey what did I expect!

Off to the Park and then I am going to sort Chris’s work papers out – feels the right day for that.

For sort out Chris's work papers read throw out Chris's work papers. I will recycle the paper but the work is done.

Picked up Kipper who survived bonfire night – they said it had been very quiet – even so he still managed to eat his bed! We were all so pleased he wasn’t here last night as the fireworks were tremendously loud and even closer – they also seem to go on all night.

So IPWD but to Calderstones Park a change – it was beautiful in the sunshine. I thought about the weekend and realised that I hadn’t mentioned that Mum and Dad got a personal card from the Queen (aka Lizzie to my Mother!). The card was very fine with a golden tassel, personally signed and much admired!

They are having another party in a fortnight for all their friends and neighbours. I have decided not to go to that one and told my Dad yesterday. He understood.

60 years of marriage is worth celebrating and a card from the Queen!

Talked to a lot of people about loss over the weekend. Consistent messages. It takes time. Do it in your own way. Accept you are grieving. Take your own time. So that’s what I’ll do.

The 60th Wedding Anniversary weekend

Well I can’t say it wasn’t very emotional because it was.

It was also fantastic to be surrounded by so many members of my family, including the two honorary sisters. My parents are both the youngest and only surviving members of their siblings and both sides of the two families were well represented.

The arrangements all went well – apart from me arriving at the wrong hotel on the Friday evening - panicking myself and the hotel staff by saying ‘What do you mean you have got a group booking for this weekend!’ As I was the one who had found the hotel and done all the arrangements up to the point of Chris’s death it was pretty stupid of me to get the wrong hotel!

The weather was perfect, the hotel was lovely, the dinner was just right including all the speeches and slide shows. Ali made a lovely speech at the beginning about remembering loved ones who weren’t with us – very powerful coming from Michael’s father. Jimmy and me had a good sob but it got it over with. Everyone there was thinking about Chris but all of us had other people to remember .

Being so emotionally raw led to some amazing discussions particularly with the Devon cousins and Evie one of the honorary sisters. Sandy collapsing at the end of the evening and spending the night in hospital added a scary Klimt moment to the proceedings. Today he was fine which is good.

Families have lots of layers and a very special weekend like this one has enabled all of us to understand and appreciate the importance of making time and cherishing our loved ones. My Mum and Dad had a great time which was really, really good.

The walk with Jimmy yesterday was quite hard, as I had chosen to walk next to the Leeds Liverpool canal, which was quite close to the kennels.

We had found canals over 10 years ago and travelling on a narrow boat was the perfect way for Chris to get into the countryside and the pub! Over the years we have had some of best times on canal holidays. Of course Chris being Chris he had his CEVNI - European Code for Inland Waterways, Code Europeen des Voies de la Navigation Interieure! I think my favourite Christmas was the one we spent on a narrow boat – just the five of us – breaking the ice on Boxing Day.

Anyway the walk by the side of the canal was quite emotional and I linked arms with Jimmy and had a good weep. Done a lot of that this week. We then had a pub lunch and took the dog to the kennels – it was strange not going IPWD this morning!

Off now to the 60th Wedding Anniversary weekend.

I had managed to wrongly set the time on the new CD/alarm clock and Jim and I overslept this morning. This was as a consequence of Rob and I switching off the electricity on Tuesday to fit a new reading lamp to the wall.

This reminded me of how Chris and I re-wired this house – twenty odd years ago. Chris had A level Physics, the Book of Regulations for England and Wales and I had the step ladder! Still the same wiring, checked out by an electrician when we had the kitchen extension done 10 or so years ago.

I’m doing my best not to be negative, grumpy and anti-social at the moment but not succeeding well. As people keep telling me it’s early days and I will have bad patches.

I’m looking forward to my parents 60th tomorrow but I also think it will be quite hard as the vast majority of our extended family will be there.

Jim has a half day on Thursday and we will take the dog for a walk before putting him in kennels for the weekend. As it’s bonfire night I will ask them to give him several herbal sleeping pills each evening as he goes frantic with the bangs. I have chosen a kennels in the middle on nowhere.

Not brilliant this morning but that’s OK as I was good yesterday.

One of the things I am struggling with is the news/newspaper. I know I have to come out of my cocoon but the world is a profoundly depressing place to re-engage with. My tiny world is sad but I have proved to myself that I can cope with that. However I am finding the real world of Iraq, Global Warming and mass human madness so hard. But I suppose I found a way of living with it before and must do so again.

This morning I finished another book ‘The Little Drummer Girl’ by John Le Carre. It is set in the heart of the Israeli/Palestine conflict and was written in 1983. The year Alex was born. The children born in Palestine, the same year as Alex, are now young people having known nothing but violence all their lives.

Cheerful blogg this one!

Went to the Sir Alastair Pilkington Building today and as I walked through the gates I remembered so lividly my rushing out after Jimmy had phoned five weeks ago.

It was lovely to see people and to have lunch with Debs and Trish. Debs talked of missing the noisy Tricia who could be heard at the other end of the corridor. I liked the sound of her and think that when I’m ready I will have to go back just full of good ideas!

I think I will be ready in three weeks time but I will make my final decision nearer the time.

After the lunch went round to Jim the Execs house and we went through the probate forms which we both duly signed. Les is really not well.

Although I was awake during the night – I didn’t actually wake up until 6:24 – result for a Tuesday morning – the digits on the clock are so large I cannot get away from the detail of time!

Went IPWD after discovering that Kipper had been freaked during the night – thunderstorm/firework – and had demolished a box of lager cans. He hadn’t punctured any of them but they were all scattered all over the kitchen floor!

He continued to disgrace himself by barking at two rottweilers – he always and only barks at rottweilers – great choice Kip. The only other dog he barks at is one who could be his twin brother!

Met Joe’s Dad IPWD and we had a nice chat about how lovely Jim’s friends are. All the boys friends have been so considerate – showing their friendship and support in their own appropriate and unique way.

The park was looking autumnal and it made me think about spring. Some trees have hardly any leaves whilst others are still holding onto them. In the spring the reverse will be true with some trees staying bare for ages whilst others are covered in new growth.

Five weeks and moving on

After dropping Alex off at the station I went to Matalan, one of the very few places which sells socks larger than a size 12, and bought 24 pairs of XXL size 14 socks – so a week supply for each son as a present! I also bought a shed load of fruit to test the juicer.

After a nice cup of tea with Richard, I spent all day sorting and should hopefully finish the probate forms tomorrow. I’ve got all the information – I think.

Have arranged to go into work tomorrow for lunch with Debs and Trish, which I’m looking forward too, though I hope I don’t cry. I think I’m fine and then I meet people and I get weepy.

Jimmy has just come home and his GCSE English Language has been re- graded as a B – which Chris would have liked as he was surprised that he had only got a C – so that was nice.

We must be getting back to 'normal' have just had an argument about socks with one of my sons - always a controversial subject - especially when they have feet the size they do!

We have to learn how to be normal again.

Made the boys a huge stack of pancakes, sausages and beans and we sat around the table – laughing and eating – the table isn’t totally reclaimed but we are working on it.

Boys have gone to play snooker, loud and tall, teasing each other non stop brotherly camaraderie .

I have the house to myself this afternoon and have decided to read – starting with John Le Carre – Jimmy and I found 11 books of his around the house – so I have a good choice.

We’re getting there.

The Vics won 2:0 against Cambridge and there were 1039 people at the match without the Jenkins there would have been 1035. We stood at the back of the Stands, watched the match and the sky and enjoyed ourselves.

Saturday night was a bit sad – Jim, Alex and I had macaroni cheese by common consensus, then Alex and I sat companionably on the sofa and felt miserable together.

The clocks went back last night and I awoke feeling very heavy. Forced myself to go for a run as it is Sunday morning. Started the run with an African Male Voice Choir, one of Chris’s favourites, followed by an eclectic range of music. My MP3 player has been populated by Jimmy and always comes as a surprise.

The park was beautiful this morning, the autumn colours are coming into their own and the leaves have yet to be blown off the trees. Saw the Chosen Beech Tree from a couple of different angles which I liked and thought about how we scatter Chris’s ashes. I think it might be nice to involve the Officer, give her one last job.

Then I made juices with unlikely combinations of fruit and vegetables - think I'm going to be on my own with the juicer! Just thought Chris would have seriously hated the debris of the juicer.

Just woke Jim up and the mystery baker is Anne, Jack’s Mum. She should definitely enter the Lark Lane show next year – they need some new competition now that Chris will no longer be entering!

Now for breakfast - Thanks Anne.

Slept quite well – probably something to do with the San Miguel and the home made bread sandwich. I was dozing when the postman knocked at 8.00 with a recorded delivery letter – Chris’s will from the bank. I expected that. What I didn’t expect was a new cheque book in a separate envelope. Then I realised that it was for our joint account and I thought this cheque book just had my name on it. That made me cry.

There was also a letter, a card and a poem in the post, which were all lovely – and Jimmy’s first University prospectus – coincidentally from the same university as the writer of the card!

Then I made myself grapefruit and apple juice and shredded the cover letter from the bank!

Today the Jenkins family is going to watch Northwich Victoria play Cambridge United in the FA Cup Qualifiers.

My Mum and Dad married in November 1946 after my Dad was demobbed having spent a year in Abyssinia (Ethiopia). He got a job at ICI in Northwich and I was born in Comberbach the third of four sister. I arrived before the midwife on a foggy January night, a very special story of my Dads.

So I have always had a soft spot for Northwich, Comberbach and Marbury Park. I buy free range eggs from Anderton in Asda!

Last Easter we were on a canal boat starting from Anderton and we went past the new Northwich Victoria Stadium. Chris and I got talking and I said that now Jimmy’s getting older and has his own social life, maybe we should start doing somethings differently – for example going to more football matches. Big stadiums are not easy to negotiate if you have limited mobility but Chris has always liked going to watch matches at smaller clubs.

Last season the Vics did well and got promoted to the Conference. A few weeks ago we were looking at the fixture list and thought the FA Qualifier against Cambridge would be a good match to go to.

So today I will do something I have never done before which is to go to a football match with my three sons. I hope the Vics win!

This is us last Easter going through Marbury Park, very close to the Northwich Victoria ground.

Tonight another Friday night first – though reminiscent of other Saturday nights – jugs of San Miguel with Gilly in Estabans on the Lane – come home to an empty house – but what do I find – a bowl of cyclamen and a beautiful (potentially prize winning?) loaf of bread – thank you.

Jim and I have been shopping – we bought a weeks shopping, an electric juicer, a shredder and two knobs like footballs for the downstairs toilet roll holder. So this afternoon we have been shredding and juicing which was fun. We both agree that the knobs are not really the classiest addition to the house!

sorting stuff

Got a lovely card from the Netherlands today as well as caring emails from Croatia and Stacksteads. Knowing that people are thinking about me is just fantastic.

After the pub lunch with Jim yesterday, I got down to sorting out money stuff and felt a lot better when I had made some decisions and found the bits of paper.

The stuff sorting has to take place at times when I have the energy.

Yesterday Rob, Jimmy and I did the food cupboards and this morning I did the flour and bread making stuff. That is one thing I am really missing – homemade bread. Chris would make a couple of loaves a week, as well as pizza bases and home made pasta. I think I need to start making bread.

Chris would have agreed with one of today’s emails – he would not want to have left pain behind him – he would want us to continue our lives knowing joy and pleasure.

This morning I was in IPWD and went to the place where Chris used to go – confirmed by Keith via Gilly. I sat on the bench and texted Rob and Alex. Behind the seat is a beautiful Beech tree – with golden leaves - and I have decided that this is where we will scatter Chris’s ashes.

Been to the doctor and it’s official I have ‘Insomnia and Anxiety, post bereavement.’ Sounds about right. He has signed me off until the 22nd of November and was very keen to give me a book on coping with bereavement. I took it, though I told him I think I am actually coping quite well – he said just in case!

Last night Margaret came round and we had a lovely night. Had our tea around the table (result) – a new trio of diners – and then talked – thanks Margaret.

Today I finished reading White Buffalo, I liked his style and thought it was well intended, so I have one book under my belt.

Deirdre phoned which reminded me that I should have been in London today - at the Uniaid Launch – I know I’m going back to work in a few weeks - but at the moment it still seems a world away!

I then started sorting out the probate business but quickly got fed up with that, so took Jim for a pub lunch.

I asked Margaret if she thought the blogg was getting soppy – and she sensibly replied “People don’t have to read it!”

Had a very poor night’s sleep as I got into a total four week loop. This was a first as it was ‘A four weeks from now loop’ i.e. the future not the past.

I have decided that subject to certain conditions I intend to go back to work four weeks today – Wednesday the 22nd of November.

My panic yesterday, on leaving Liverpool on the drive to Mold, shocked me. It also made me understand that I have to be able to do various things before I can go back to work operating at 100%. The advice I am getting is, that to go back before this is asking for trouble and as I have said to several people recently, “I really can’t be arsed having a nervous breakdown.”

So this was what I thought about in the night.

There are certain things I plan to do over the next four weeks. These include my parents 60th, a trip away with Gilly for a few days and sorting out the probate stuff.

I also set myself certain conditions for returning to work these include:

Reading several books cover to cover,
Being able to watch/listen to the news,
Buying a newspaper and reading more than the sudoku,
Sleeping better,
Going to the supermarket and doing a proper weekly shop.

So a bad night but a good one. Lots of decisions made and things thought through.

The walk was a good idea though I found driving out of Liverpool really quite scary. It was the farthest I’d been away from the safety of the house.

Moel Famau was a good idea. Safe and full of memories. The weather was predicted to be wet but it was a beautiful sunny afternoon with views of Snowdonia on one side and the Wirral and beyond Liverpool on the other.

Kipper had a great time.














These are the first photographs I have taken for six weeks - since I was in New York – I can’t believe that’s only 6 weeks ago.

Officially four weeks now

Looking forward to when 6-7 on a Tuesday morning is just a time that you sleep through.

Thought this morning about Hef. He must have only been 16/17 when we first met him, an apprentice fitter down the pit, playing borrowed drums with Strad in Shotton. Living with us when he was a student and then the Rabs playing in our front room every Wednesday for years.

I remembered three years ago, sitting on Peri’s sofa whilst she told Aziz and Jamal that their father was dead. He was ten years younger than Chris and died at the age of 42 after playing a gig in Wrexham.

I didn’t go to the funeral as I was going to Slovenia and I remembered sitting in Ljubljana Cathedral and sobbing my heart out - then laughing with Hef at the statues of the Holy Roman Empire Bishops.

Since then Peri, Aziz and Jamal have become a bigger part of our lives. The boys stay with us frequently and today I look forward to walking up Moel Famau with them with Rob, Jimmy and Kipper and then to Peri’s for tea.

Picture of Hef and Chris playing in backroom circa 1979.



Looked at yesterdays blogg and thought how pompous I sounded. I will ask Alex for a reality check and stop this if I am making a fool of myself.

One of the mails I got this weekend has reminded me of something that I have told a few people since Chris died.

When you travel with a man who can’t walk you have to do things differently and one of the things we used to have to do - was to have little choice about which restaurant we went to – we had no option we had to go to the nearest one.

A lot of people go on holiday and walk round and round a place trying to decide which restaurant to go to and sometimes this can lead to arguments. Chris and I never had the choice so we would be happily enjoying our wine and meal when others would still be trying to decide which place to go to. Sometimes knowing you have no choice means that you can just get on and enjoy things.

I have no choice now – Chris is dead and I have to just get on and enjoy things without him.

Jimmy and I were invited to a neighbours house for dinner last night. It was one of my favourite combos old friends/young people/good conversation/food/wine.

I was awarded 10/10 for ‘Parent saying something embarrassing.’ (Add bereaved talking to bereaved shopping and cooking!) But we laughed and talked and it was a very enjoyable evening. Just what I needed because I was feeling sad yesterday.

Sunset at Mirca, Brac, Croatia

Chris's last year

I have spent this afternoon looking at photographs of Chris’s last year and it was a good year.

Last November we went to Riga in Latvia and were there for their first National Day as a country within the European Union. I love small countries and it was special to be there at that time.

New Year we spent in Pollensa, Mallorca with Alan and Moira. Chris has known Alan since he was a school boy. We saw in the New Year as the only Brits in a very Spanish restaurant which was great fun.

In February half term we went to Granada with Jim and Les, spending half the week in the Plaza de Bib-Rambla and the other half in a wonderful Posada up a mountain surrounded by olive trees.


At Easter we went on the Trent and Mersey and Shropshire Union canals with Alex, Jim, Aziz and Jamal.

This year we also had a very European Eurovision with Gilly, Sophie and us - joined by Renata, Stein and Ingvild.

In July we went to Leeds with Nan and Pop for Alex’s graduation - MPhys First Class! (I am his mother)


Then this summer Chris and I spent a lovely week in Italy and Slovenia before joining Paul, Sue and the Independent Travelling Boys on Brac for a fortnight. Returning via Slovenia and Pisa with Paul and Sue.

In between this Chris worked for the OCN mainly visiting community based organisations. He divided the rest of his time between looking after Jimmy and me, cooking, reading the Guardian, listening to Radio 4, watching the birds in the garden, proof reading the latest Professor Fluffy tome and at weekends we would have people round to either sit round the table or the garden - eating, drinking arguing and having fun!

So Chris's last year was a good year - the only regret I know he had was that we didn't get to Lugo. He was really looking forward to that.

Went for a run with Kipper, Sam Cooke and the Specials and although the morning was beautiful I felt sad.

On Friday night a couple of people said they missed me and in some ways I’m missing myself at the moment. I will write soon about Chris’s last year as I know it was the best year ever for him. He was genuinely happy and content over the last year.

Now I will go and cook pancakes for boys which always makes me happy.

Conkers – a great success – the dog is happy and there isn’t a knuckle not bruised – except mine.

Cooking – elementary mistakes – the baking tray (my choice) was too small for Jamal's chocolate brownies and they did a great impression of a volcano - very messy - but very tasty!

Bamzooki – a real result – Aziz’s creation 'Butter Freak' has been accepted onto the CBBC site.

Cards – we will do after tea.

Today I’ve been in the ‘ Four weeks ago today’ loop. It seems like yesterday but it also seems a long time ago.

That Saturday I had taken Aziz, Jamal and Jimmy over to my sister Ann’s where we had had lunch with my parents, Jenny, Bryony and a couple of her friends. Then my boys, sisters and I went for a 5/6 mile walk.

When we got home Chris had made the best ever Ciabatta loaf which we ate with soup and cheese over a long and animated discussion about evolution and pre-Cambrian Fossils. Aziz, Jamal and I had to go to the World Museum the next day to sort out a couple of Chris’s references. The answer was the Burgess Shale in Canada.

To do this well - and I want to do this well - I now have to work out how we do things differently. I am beginning to recognise that I have still got bereavementitis – symptoms include an inability to function properly e.g. bereaved shopping and bereaved cooking.

But I have also begun the process of doing things differently – all the first etc – and the boys and myself have taken and accepted different roles.

Time for tea – still not got back round the table yet.

The madness of the Amazon shopping spree continue when two identical children’s books arrived today – separately - Kootenai Indian stories - so there was at least some kind of logic to my purchases!

Saturday morning breakfast – we did the Guardian quiz – badly but laughed a lot.

Aziz and Jamal are coming round this afternoon and will stay over. I’m looking forward to an afternoon of conkers, Bamzooki, cooking and cards.

Well – have now done a Friday at 5 session – which was good – thanks – Paul, Tony, Brian, Emy and Mary. Also saw people from my other life – working life – I know it’s there and also know that when I’m ready I will go back there.

Tonight’s conversation was good though – talking about anything other than work was a rich vein!

Struggled to get out of bed this morning but had to when the postman rang the bell. Strangely enough it was a second copy of the book ‘White Buffalo’ by Peter Skinner. The first copy having arrived last week from Amazon.

‘Bereaved Shopping’ is a TV Contestant Show just waiting to happen!

Jim the Executor came round and we made ‘ Important phone calls to the Bank’ and looked at Probate forms downloadable from the web.

This exhausted us all so I went IPWD with Rob and Alex. Gave Jim the Ex the second copy of White Buffalo and he in return told me a funny story about Les having her handbag searched at the airport and them finding 8 cigarette lighters!

Then Rob and I took Chris’s clothes to a Charity Shop – we chose one away from my normal shopping route.

Today would have been Chris’s 56th Birthday. It is also my niece Becki’s 18th - lots of 19th Birthdays in this family.

The boys have been very protective – extremely funny – and exceptionally rude in their humour. Tonight, we had crazy stir fries and cherry cake with Bryony on the phone.

My sons are magnificent. They are obviously going through their own grief but their attention to mine is extra-ordinary. I feel very privileged that the last couple of weeks have given me a greater insight into their world.

This summer on Brac - Sue said; “Jimmy’s so funny but imagine how funny he would be without the grown ups around!” I feel that I have become an honorary young man over the last couple of weeks and Bryony, Gilly and I have been treated to young male humour at it’s scatological and tasteless best!

Chris wasn’t here for his Birthday but we did him proud.

Being on my own

Last night I thought about being on my own – I’ve never been on my own before.

I lived at home, shared a flat with a friend and then moved in with Chris when I was 19. He never worked away, or was in hospital so apart from a couple of times when he was playing in the band or at a conference, which over the years was probably less than 10 nights, I’ve never been at home on my own. I was also never on my own because I had at least one boy and a dog in the house!.

During the night I thought about travelling. Since 1998 I have travelled quite a lot on my own, across America and Europe. I thought about this and remembered that travelling on my own is something I like doing.

So I have decided that I must look at living on my own to be like travelling on my own. The difference will be that I wont get texts saying ‘IPWD – lovely sunny day – CU later xx’. And Chris wont be here when I get home. That’s what I’ve got to get used to.

I have googled for images of Klimt’s ‘ Tod und Leben’ and what is interesting (bingo!) is that most of the images are just of ‘Life’ and ‘Death’ has been cut out. I think we need to live our lives with the knowledge that we share it with death. Though I don't think I'll go so far as to have it tatooed on my back like one of the images!

So this is how I will live on my own.

Gustaf Klimt 'Tod und Leben' significantly painted in 1916




The Flags of the World is the same shape and size but not the same mug. But it’s a good mug and I am enjoying drinking my tea from it.

We didn’t watch more than 1/3 o the Di Vinci Code but we had a good night. Chris had chosen quite a small inner circle for the last few years and Gilly, Paul and Sue are three of those. Quality was important!

I have been shopping with Rob and bought a mug identical in size and shape to the Klimt mug - I chose one with flags of the world.

I have also decided to go onto Ebay and get a print of the 'Tod und Leben' picture and put it in my front room.

Sorted out the vases again - I have just a very few flowers remaining from the first week though I have some from later, including the bunch from Jersey – my favourites. I have put the ones from Motability in my bedroom.

Apart from that I have done nothing and feel quite exhausted again. Gilly's coming round tonight for the Di Vinci code/lamb chop combo.

The door bell rang and it was a beautiful bunch of flowers. An apology from Motability!

Woke up feeling pathetic and fed up with myself for feeling pathetic. Alex phoned and said that he would have thought his parents 30+ years marriage had been a sham had I not been feeling a bit pathetic at this time!

Yesterday I also broke my favourite Klimt mug – which was a shame as it was bigger than an average mug and a lovely shape.

So I went for a run in the company of Lou Reed, Bob Marley and Portuguese woman singing Fado which was good. When I got back the postman was delivering the third book. It’s called ‘Scottish Highlanders, Indian Peoples – Thirty generations of a Montana Family.’ Written by James Hunter who also wrote the other book. This made sense.

I had been reading a lot of books about American Indians recently, sharing ‘Captured by the Indians: 15 Firsthand Accounts, 1750–1870’ with Paul on our holiday this year.

I was reading ‘Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee’ when Chris died.

A few days before he died I had bought a book on Ebay ‘My Heart Soars’ by Chief Dan George. It arrived on the Monday but I was IPWD so the postman left a note. Rob picked it up on the Wednesday. It gave me a lot of comfort in those early days and I quoted from it in the Order of Service and here on the blogg.

At this time I also had some emails from Rene in Montana and in one she wrote;
“We are building a new sweat lodge this Saturday. I will take in offerings (ribbon, tobacco and cloth) and ask for prayers for you and your family and for your husband on that side.”

I thought this was amazing, to have a friend who is American Indian, and for her to do this for us. Now how lucky am I?

I think that’s why I am feeling pathetic because on the scale of things I am so fortunate and I do need to recognise this. I think of other people I know who have had a sudden death, their son, the father of their small children, death in an accident and I know that the timing and manner of Chris’s death was OK.

I think I will go shopping and then start reading these books

The macaroni cheese was really good and Jim and I polished off the lot. Comfort food and a bit of sleep - feeling much better now.

The weather today has been miserable – which has suited my mood perfectly.

Yesterday I didn’t eat very much - so today I made myself eat and then read a couple of pages of Scottish Highlanders and slept most of the afternoon – which was probably a good thing to do.

I’m not the only one who has had a miserable day – the Customer Care team at Motability also had a bad day after responding inappropriately to a letter I’d sent.

This morning I scanned all the correspondence and emailed them to the Motability Press Office. I asked whether they thought I should send them to my contacts in the press, their Chair and list of Patrons. I then signed it Tricia Jenkins MBE – which was a bit below the belt - but their Chief patron is the Queen!

A delightful young woman phoned me and I was nice to her and they will be reviewing their practice.

Which is a good thing as Motability are great – Chris has had a Motability car from when the scheme was introduced and it they are a real life line for people with limited mobility.

6.30 on Tuesday mornings is a particularly slow piece of time. I tried to drown this one in Jasmine but it didn’t work. When I did go to sleep the alarm woke me up in the middle of a pension filled dream - in a campsite!

There are two ways of doing things at the moment - the way Chris would have liked and the way he wouldn’t.

I am purposefully doing lots of things they way he wouldn’t have liked. He would have hated our bedroom filled with perfumed oils and I think we will have macaroni cheese for tea tonight - again.

These are the little things.

The big things I think I will do the way Chris would have liked. Holidays, Jimmy at university and my retirement. We will just have to enjoy them without him – he would have liked that.

I am struggling with ‘It’s only three weeks’ and ‘ It’s now three weeks.’ For example the earlier postings of this blogg are now archived, yet it’s only three weeks ago tonight that we sat the long vigil by Chris’s bed in the Royal.

Memories which I want to remember and yet also to forget. I suppose archiving them is a good idea.

I am torn between wanting it to be over three weeks and away from that awful time and yet not feeling ready to move on. I think this week I need to take my time.

Today I also started to sort out money stuff.

Chris’s ‘Estate’ is our shared planning over thirty years together. Some off it ad hoc, some of it idiosyncratic and some of it very sensible but together making up our shared plans for the future - holidays, Jimmy at University, a shared retirement. I also paid the Undertakers bill today and that’s a pretty shit thing to do for your husband.

Today I’ve done well – second time at aqua aerobics, first time on my own at Asda – sorting out money – I’ve done well. I think I will just have to ring up Gilly and say “No pressure – just make me laugh!”

The fourth week starts

The early morning sleeplessness left me waking abruptly to make Jim a cup of tea c/o the new radio/CD/alarm. I was going to write about seconds being as bad as first but then I read last Monday on the blogg and I can see the distance I have travelled.

I also received an email from my nephew Max, which was lovely. So I will write what I thought about during the night.

I decided that I have no regrets.

We were always a family that embraced technology (Max) – having had a Teasmade in this house, for as long as I can remember! Chris would wake me up with a cup of tea and I would then take the dog for a walk in the park.

I always have my best ideas IPWD and a few days before Chris died I remember coming home and saying to him; “Do you know what the best bit of my day is?”
He said he didn’t, so I told him; “Waking up in bed next to you.”
He said “Really?” and I said “Yes.”

Now I wake up on my own in bed and it’s hard. But what I was thinking last night was - how much harder would it be if I had regrets and thought I wish I'd done this or I wish I’d said that. That would be unbearable.

The walk on the beach was lovely. I thought the Gormley statues were really funny. Kipper got covered in Mersey mud and I had to hose him down when we came home. So much for the valetted car!

The boys and I spend the afternoon playing bridge around the table. This was a very good thing to do as we laughed a lot. After our meal last Saturday we have not been able to sit around the table again.

The ‘chunks’ are now three week. This time three weeks ago etc etc but from tomorrow we will be in the 4 week chunk and then we are talking a month – which is a long time.

The early hours CD/candle /sandalwood combo got me past 9 o’clock so I decided not to go for a run this Sunday. I am also going to Crosby beach later to see the Gormley statues with Margaret. Gilly and I had overshot a month ago and had a lovely walk on Formby beach/ dunes instead.

I was thinking in the night about the inter-connectivity in my life. Jack’s Mum, Anne brought a home-made sponge cake around on Friday and I was so pleased that it gave me an opportunity to tell her about the beautiful letter Jack had written to us the previous week. Anne and I go back a long time as she was the project worker for the Merseyside Association of Writers Workshops when I first worked for the University over 20 years ago. Jack had enclosed a photograph of when he had come on holiday with us in 2001. We are in Vienna on a horse drawn carriage doing the Easyjet/train/Croatia combo.

Our first holiday backpacking on trains was in 2000. We had decided to go to Croatia; Chris, Alex, Jim and I. When I was doing my research in ‘99 I found this webcam, It is of the Faculty of Informatics, University of Zagreb:

http://www.foi.hr/FOI_Korzo.html

I watched this webcam for a year – saw the seasons change, watched the Millennium come in. I decided I wanted to visit Varazdin.

This photo is of me in Varazdin on the Jack holiday 2001. The webcam/photo is one up from the postcard/photo!


This is also the view from Renata’s office window. This weekend Renata is working on a Tempus Individual mobility grant application for her to come to Liverpool for a month.

I met Renata in 2004 at a University of Staffordshire Conference and thanks to Mee Foong again at Graz in 2005. Since then several times both professionally and on holiday. I sent a photo to Renata last week, of this summer when we are on the island of Tribunj. We had just eaten an amazing lunch of prawns and fish cooked by her friend. Renata is roaring with laughter at something Chris had said.

The inter-connectivity continues as the photograph of Vienna reminds me of Brenda, Dan and I going to the wonderful Leopold Museum. I particularly liked the Gustav Klimt picture Tod und Leben (Death and Life). I am sitting here with a cup of tea in my favourite mug which has this picture on it. I bought it in Ljubljana with my friend Franja.

The Saturday after Chris died the quiz wasn’t in the Guardian and the Cricket Club was closed for the first time ever on a Saturday lunchtime. I took it very personally.

It turned out the Guardian quiz guy was on holiday for 2 weeks – we wont talk about the Cricket Club. Alex came home at lunchtime today and we did the Guardian quiz – I thought we did OK.

Stella came round and we sat in the garden and the boys went to play snooker at Aigburth People’s Hall. Both things were good.

Jim and I went to Tescos and I met two people who know me but clearly don’t know about Chris. As I venture further from my safety I will have to work out how to do this. The boys are ahead of me here.

My sister Jenny says I am very vulnerable at the moment, she also said that I can appreciate things that get lost in the day to day busyness of life. I agree with her.

It reminds me of when Jim was born – I wanted to hold on to every day and to really appreciate it – it’s different but I know I have to be make the most of this time to heal myself before I go out too far.

The weekend

Jimmy and I have decided to be pathetic today. I couldn’t get out of bed and he has a dead leg from playing football. So we rang up Rob and he has arrived with bread and the papers and has now taken the dog out.

Didn’t sleep well last night but found an interesting fact about my new radio/CD - the clock display is so large that it reflects off the ceiling. I was well impressed.

Read a chapter of a book in bed which was a good first. Not the Scottish Highlanders – though I did dip into that yesterday - it seems to be written by a rather bitter man who hates people from Northumberland. I look forward to reading more.

I know some of you have tried to post comments to the blogg but not been able too – if you go on my profile my email address is there. I love getting emails!