Appreciating what I had….

A rather emotional day – Alex back from Africa, cooking a great gynormous breakfast for 5 lovely boys , and still feeling raw after this week – and then flowers and chocolates from lovely people.

Thought about what I miss/long for – I have lost part of myself this last year and it has taken me a year to recognise it. I think it’s because I am moving on and wanting to be a whole woman again, that I see now that my extremes have gone – I can be myself – and am getting better at that – but the real me – the more extreme good and bad me – is not visible. Chris was the one person in the world that I could be me at my extreme – good and bad!

This has come as a bit of a revelation to me – the new ‘self sufficient’ Tricia – doesn’t argue as much as she used to – with anyone!

I suppose the fact that I could and did argue/debate with Chris everything/anything – gave me a release – we didn’t just talk – we did argue – we did talk about everything to each other – and yes sometimes we would shout at each other - extremes - I could be good and/or bad.

Now I am middle of the road!

Tonight I just feel such a strong longing to be able to argue/discuss/debate/shout/laugh with someone and I suppose I mean Chris.

I am surrounded by wonderful family, friends, colleagues and I miss being argumentative – I suppose I am just missing the Chris Tricia –and I also know I will just have to get used to it.

Tonight I did have a bit of a wobble with sons – I don’t want to do this – but maybe I have to be a bit more honest with myself and let myself feel the extremes again – though slowly.

OK let's get on with living!

Re-read my morbid blog of last night - and after a night's sleep I watched the large clock face click round from 06:00 to 06:21 - and so that's it now - Chris has been dead for over a year and we must just get on with our lives.

Have been surprised how the last three days have hit me - but I also think that I let myself be hit! A good thing I think for a few days to let myself be morbid and weepy - but now I have decided that it's time to get back to where I was last week.

So blessing counting - that's easy - big breath and time to take the dog for a walk - the computer and dog's bowels also had a major dysfunction this week - but that's life too!

I feel much lighter now - and I'm so glad I've got the year milestone out of the way - time for the post Chris Tricia to get on with her life - it's a good one.

Tonight - is the night

A year ago tonight – I sat with my lovely husband Chris and watched him die – and I cry as type this. Big breath – I am very aware this was not something that I did on my own – my three sons sat that night and saw their father die.

How hard is this to type – after a few glasses of wine - hard but what I have to do.

Today has been OK – hard but realistic - Gilly and I had a day – going down town - superficially shopping – eating mussels and drinking white wine. Talking – we sat in the garden – a year to the minute and enjoyed – laughed – did what I wanted to do- thanks Gilly. Sitting in the garden I talked later to the Heyhursts – what can I say – thank you – I am struggling with everything today –but I’m not going to tell my sons.

A year on weekend

Doing OK – very aware of last year’s weekend. Doing very similar things – had the boys for the weekend – they’ve just gone. Rob’s watching football in the pub – last year he watched with Chris. Gilly, Rob, Jim and Les coming round for Sunday tea – last year it was just us – but we will be sitting round the same table – eating, laughing and drinking wine – just the same but different – no Chris. I have had a year to get used to not having Chris around and I can’t say that I don’t miss him because I do – everyday – BUT he would be proud of us because we haven’t moped and given into it – we have just got on with re-building our lives.

Things that are different a year on – went to see my Mum and Dad yesterday – Mum is 87 and Dad is 90 – they are coping very well but noticeably frailer a year on. They have had a sad week or two with several deaths of friends and neighbours including Rosie the dog. They really miss Rosie – she was about 15 years old – and although she had some irritating habits – like barking a lot – she filled their house and has left a big gap.

Alex is somewhere walking down Kilimanjaro – he and his three friends walked through the night on Thursday and were at the summit on Friday morning! We’ve been watching the weather on the web cam:

http://www.kilicam.com/

He should be down tomorrow or Tuesday and is then going for a few days safari. He will be returning to Lara his Spanish girlfriend – so things are very different for him a year on.

Rob has a new job which he is enjoying – doesn’t know what he wants to do in the long term – but he’s doing well – I know he is thinking about Chris a lot at the moment. He is so lovely and has been so supportive for me and Jim – popping round, checking on us – he’s going to come round tomorrow as I will be off work for a couple of days. My hope is that he can believe in himself more as he should!

My little Jimmy – now towering over me – he has grown a lot this year and is walking tall. He’s re-sitting his Year 12 and has three friends in the same position – which is good - he’s doing his homework as I write and seems much happier in himself – America was good for him – gave him more confidence.

And me… well I went for a run this morning with my lovely Kipper - he’s sleeping it off at my feet! Met my good friend Jan and had a lovely long conversation – I have been so lucky this last year – so many people thinking about me, caring for me, listening to me. I feel that now I’m a year on I need to be doing more listening – I have been so self obsessed this last year. I don’t feel guilty about that but I do think it is time to move on.

So a year on and all doing well – thanks to my many friends, colleagues and family – you’ve all been so fantastic to us all – we’ve done it well and you’ve been there for us – all along the way.

Relishing being home - again!

After three nights away - I got home this afternoon - and it is lovely. Went to Tescos with Jim and made soup - he's gone off to a party. I have just had a huge, hot bubble bath in the giant bath - and was thinking about how things are different now - so very nearly one year on.

I'm different - I look a bit different - a bit thinner - dressed in post Chris clothes - though still having some of my old favourites. The me inside is not very different but I have had to change - don't know if it's changing or just making different parts of me come to the surface. I have had to become much more self-sufficient. No one to share everything with. I can talk to lots of people about lots of things but there is so much that I have to think through for myself. I suppose that what's 35 years together give you - wonderful depth and understanding but maybe less self sufficiency.

House is different - big bath and blue kitchen - bedroom on surface much the same but now MY bedroom - just full of my things, different CD player, with different music playing - no TV or World Service. Smelling different - I indulge myself with candles and fragrant oils.

I am so aware of the one year anniversary and have been for quite a while now. Not sure how I will take it - maybe I will cry all day but maybe I will just take a big breath and get on with it. That's what I'm hoping anyway. I remember taking nephews and niece to Alton Towers on the first anniversary of Michael's death - that was 10 years ago this summer. I know Jenny is thinking about me as I have been thinking about her for 10 years. She is wonderful and a I think a lot of how she and Ali have got on with their life after losing their 19 year old son.

Back to the constant 'how lucky am I' mantra - yes I have lost Chris and so have his friends - I am sometimes hit by their loss. I know my lovely three big boys all miss their Dad in different ways but they are good and getting on with their own lives - bottom line is Chris isn't here anymore so we have to just get on with our lives - and back to the start of this blog - appreciating and enjoying life - it's basically all we have - and tonight I am just relishing being home!

It's lovely to be home

Wow - 2 weeks away and back home today - and it is such a good feeling! Well aware that I am back home in a Chris free house - but a year IS a long time - though in so many ways no time - but this time last year I was coming home from the COE conference - welcomed by Chris with comfort food and all that went along with with a Chris welcome home - this time Jim and I arrived at Manchester - went to the Spar and bought some milk for a cup of tea and came home to an empty house - BUT this shows how far we have come - it was OK - going with Rob to pick the dog up and Tescos - Gilly coming round - talking on the phone to my parents and a couple of friends. It was really OK - it just feels great to be home - to my newly painted kitchen and all the other things of my new post Chris life. So that's good.

I am so pleased Jim came with me - for both myself and for Jim. I was always going to find my first COE conference hard - meeting people I hadn't met for a year - lovely people that I know well and who know me and care for me - so that was going to be hard. I thought Jim would get a lot from this trip and I really think that he has. On so many levels - the Jim who came back with me today was a different young man from the one I left with a couple of weeks ago. I think the 'deep end' is probably a good description to where he has been but I think it was what was needed - he was well out of his comfort zone and he was brilliant. Jim doesn't find meeting people easy - he does not have a lot of confidence in himself but the last couple of weeks he has met so many people, had to have so many conversations, seen so many new things and had to think about himself - his Mum and the wider world and he has grown as a consequence.

I don't really need to say how lucky am I - but I don't think I can finish a blog without saying it - how lucky am I - going away and seeing my life from the other side of the world just makes me think how lucky I am - this is is so visible to me tonight as I relish being home - even if I can hear the dog howling in the kitchen - don't think Kip had a good couple of weeks in the kennels - he is also looking very skinny - sorry Kip - you and me and both so happy to be home!

New York

After a couple of days in Boston, followed by two with Brenda and Dan in Rhode Island, Jimmy and I have spend the last couple of days with Harri in New York. It has been fun. Neither Harri or Jimmy have been to New York before and our feet hurt from walking!

Yesterday we went to dinner with Ingvild - we went to a Japanese restaurant where Brian our Chef cooked and performed and then we went up the Rockerfeller Building and looked over New York at night - magic and special times.



Today we went to Ellis Island as Harri wanted to check out his Great Grand Parents. Then we walked some more!

Tomorrow off to Chicago and starting work again. Still feel my huge ambivalence to America - it has been interesting to watch Jim make up his mind about things - he will never really understand Americans as he hates shopping and can't understand why anyone could want to own more than three pair of jeans at anyone time - I have loved his comments over the last few days!

Anyway - it's very enoyable to be in the US with Europeans Harri - Finland - and Ingvild - Norway - they just understand.

What ever how lucky am I - feeling OK and prepared for tomorrow and the next few days and then it will be back to proper work at home!