Back home - briefly..................

... but then everything feels so transitory - rapid changes occurring day by day - never seeming to quite get on top of everything totally - when the next big change occurs......

I suppose this feeling of change is particularly strong because I am constantly moving - got back from Vienna today - and will be in Grobbendonk this time next week - which is worth writing just for the name!!! It's where I stay in Belgium when doing my course - at the amazing home of Jes.

But I am travelling so much - and through the journeying zooming in and focusing on specific things/ideas for a few days - AND really focusing on these things - my course or my work - both amazing and both providing long intensive days of intention and thinking - then up and off again..... to another piece of the jigsaw!

Whirling a bit tonight - but happily so - the amazing stuff  I did on my course - BUFFFFFFFF - a huge biggie that I have not really started to 'process', 'work out','think through' can't even find the words for what I need to do with it - but I think that's the thing - not to think - but just to let it filter through me - like water through sand - taking it's time to move through....... and for me to just accept the changes that it has involved.

And work - WOW - it too is blasting it's way at the moment - love it - seeing things so much more claelry - huge movement and shifts of thinking - like big Icebergs crashing around me.

Sometimes it does feel like I'm standing on a little ship surrounded by so much movement, waves, icebergs, whales, storms, fog, clouds and of course rainbows - but just SO MUCH GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the mantra - how lucky am I?

I dreamt about Chris last night....

... and it was a lovely, sensuous, normal sort of cosy togetherness - and when I was telling someone about the dream today - I had this huge realisation that I dream about Chris a lot........  lovely, normal, conversational, physical dreams - though often I would be saying - "You're not supposed to be here - in this reality!"  In these dreams we are  together - just being together - doing the things that we did together for so many years - decades in fact  - and it came as quite a shock to me today to realise that I was so regularly dreaming of Chris.......  and it was weird - talking about this one dream - and  then to suddenly have this flash of recognition and remembering all these other dreams.

As I type I can recall some details of these other dreams - though like all dreams - they are mercurial - where the impossible is normality - and if you think about something it just sorts of happen..... in that dream like way. But in my dreams of Chris - the ones I can remember - were are doing things together in a happy mixture of  day to dayness - but I also recalled that I sometimes had this sort of reluctant feeling that people wouldn't understand our normality of being together if they knew that he was dead - but also that Chris was  just not bothered about that!

Well that was an unexpected blogg to write!!

OK - so it's Wednesday - I came back from Estonia on Sunday and leave for Belgium tomorrow. Alex unexpectedly stayed at mine last week, after a job interview - Steph stayed last Wednesday and Sunday around Estonia - and my cousin's daughter Ruth stayed here last night - and I was out on Monday - that sounds like an excuse for not blogging - and in someways it is - as I have missed it/you..... but it it was lovely to have all these guests - and Estonia was a really good trip - hard focused work in wonderful company and country.

I will be away a week - doing my course over the weekend and then going to Vienna to take one specific aspect of SiS Catalyst to the next stage..... It feels like there is a lot of pressures around my work at the moment - good pressures but changes occurring so quickly - as things develop..... the pace of change does feel very, very fast indeed.

But I am knitting - love it - it takes me to this very slow place, stitch by stitch, row by row... and that's what I'll do now - sit in my peaceful flat and knit for a couple of hours - and with bamboo needles I can take it on the plane tomorrow too!

Where I am now.....

.... am at home - it's late Sunday evening - and I have been home an hour or so - unpacked and turned around - and should go to bed as I will be up early tomorrow - but I am no where near sleep - my mind is whirling and my heart is full - I am buzzing with energy and flying high - realising that I needed to blogg - to find a way of coming back down I think!!!

I have just come back from a weekend with the Spirithorse Women's Lodge - Thursday evening to Sunday afternoon - a period of time so rich - so long - yet also so short -  so deep, enriching and  connected - a joyous time - which also took me to the wall of grief - and instead of just recognising and  acknowledging it - for the first time I went through it...... buffff - it looks strange in black and white - typed into a blogg - but that was where I was - and gratefully, amazingly blessed to be there - I am consciously going on the next steps of my spiritual journey... knowing that I am not going there on my own - I am now taking these steps - strides - giant leaps....  all being taken with the love and support of so many amazingly beautiful people........ back to the mantra - how lucky am I?