Well it’s 6.30 on Tuesday morning and I'm in the 12 week loop.
I was lying in bed – thinking about this and my thoughts come out it terms of what I will write on the blogg – and that's the thing I really love about the blogg - it's a focus for my thoughts – I compare to when I was away and phoning home – it’s a distillation of my day/thoughts - the things that I would tell Chris.
What is doesn’t give me is his side of the picture – what he would have done or thought about that day and I suppose that’s what loneliness is – and acceptance – and as I write this with tears pouring down my face – I know I’m passing another milestone – this one’s called 12 weeks – and there are so many of them - everyday has it’s own milestone or kilometrestone – I remember last summer having a discussion with Chris whether there was such a thing as a kilometrestone!
Cup of tea in the flag mug later.
So what’s happened in these 12 weeks. The first four were spent like zombies – and looking back at those firsts - they were enormous - each one a mountain. The next four weeks were me preparing to go back into the real world – IPWD - going away with Gilly – buying clothes – and the last four weeks have been me back at work – clearing out my office - going to Boston – feeling like the little boat in a mine field – yet growing in confidence.
My house has changed – it’s now emptier - quieter – though for some of these 12 weeks it’s been full of people, flowers, laughing and crying. It does now have a fully functioning down stairs toilet which is good. The kitchen has lost all it’s coffee beans – and the Juicer rules. There are different things in the fridge and the ironing board has gone into a cupboard.
Jimmy and I ate our rare breed pork chops on the table last night and discussed anything but his school work and I spent the evening on the phone talking to old friends around the country.
So as my new life continues to grow I feel the need to sign off the outstanding details of Chris’s life – which is why I wrote to his employer last night and asked for a formal letter – I asked at work and it is standard to write to the widow of an employee – even if they were part-time.
Today the University Christmas dinner – well that doesn’t sound like too much hard work and tomorrow is Rob’s birthday and I‘m off then until January the 8th.
