After a day at work – London and back for a day long meeting – then out for a tapas and drinks on Lark Lane - thank you Deirdre and Margaret – I had a lovely night. It has made me recognise how far I have travelled – last time we went out was my birthday – which was pretty grim! Tonight I had a social night out on a Wednesday – after a long day work wise – it doesn’t sound like much – but to me – it feels like a bit of a bit of a milestone.
I’ve not been ready for this before now – it’s been easier to play safe – and rightly so – but tonight I suppose I did what many people do all the time – and in my former life I did too – but it felt good.
Today I did a couple of things for the second time – the meeting in London – going out with D&M – things are easier when you have done them once before!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Bank Holiday Dancing
Alex appeared unexpectedly on Saturday, which was lovely, and on Sunday we went over to Mum and Dad’s and met Max and Bryony which was another lovely surprise – we had lunch and the boys and Bryony, all took turns in taking the Mickey out of each other – lots of laughing – my Dad is very deaf and doesn’t hear unless you talk to him directly and I’m not certain Mum caught all the jokes – but it was a happy visit.
Today Paul and Susan came over. Paul ran a cable for the TV into Jimmy’s room and Sue and I went through a load of old jewellery and I sent a box to Hannah who is a professional jeweller - I don't know if she'll use all the pieces - many came from Chris’s Mum and Aunty Elsie - but it was lovely to send them to someone who could put them to use - and would appreciate them. I’m getting very good at sorting and getting rid of things these days! Paul and Sue are such special friends and I know they miss Chris hugely – he was very close to both of them – last summer’s holiday will always be remembered as a very special time for us all.
Then tonight I went dancing – it’s 5 Rhythm Dancing – a sort of dancing meditation – I do love it so much – and I did cry tonight - especially after being with Paul and Sue. Dancing gives me a time and a way to cry – it’s a real release. I can’t live my life my crying and letting my emotions be raw – but through the dancing I have space to do so. At the end of the session I told people why I cried – as it was a Bank Holiday we were a small group – and I’m glad I told them something about myself – I haven’t spoken much at all for the 5 months I’ve been going and that’s not like me!
Tuesday tomorrow but a short week – feeling OK about work – feeling OK about life really – counting my blessings and recognising what a lucky woman I am.
Today Paul and Susan came over. Paul ran a cable for the TV into Jimmy’s room and Sue and I went through a load of old jewellery and I sent a box to Hannah who is a professional jeweller - I don't know if she'll use all the pieces - many came from Chris’s Mum and Aunty Elsie - but it was lovely to send them to someone who could put them to use - and would appreciate them. I’m getting very good at sorting and getting rid of things these days! Paul and Sue are such special friends and I know they miss Chris hugely – he was very close to both of them – last summer’s holiday will always be remembered as a very special time for us all.
Then tonight I went dancing – it’s 5 Rhythm Dancing – a sort of dancing meditation – I do love it so much – and I did cry tonight - especially after being with Paul and Sue. Dancing gives me a time and a way to cry – it’s a real release. I can’t live my life my crying and letting my emotions be raw – but through the dancing I have space to do so. At the end of the session I told people why I cried – as it was a Bank Holiday we were a small group – and I’m glad I told them something about myself – I haven’t spoken much at all for the 5 months I’ve been going and that’s not like me!
Tuesday tomorrow but a short week – feeling OK about work – feeling OK about life really – counting my blessings and recognising what a lucky woman I am.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Jim is 17
Funny how things work out – I suppose it’s inevitable but Birthdays and special days are hard – anyway the dog has come up trumps and has been really ill – couldn’t walk at all this morning and yowelled with pain at every step – after the vet really scared us with possibilities about his innards – he finally decided that he has a sore neck – we think probably caused by careering down the path, skidding to a halt and crashing into the yard gate – whilst chasing a cat! Anyway – he’s on dog medication and we’ve to take him back to the vets tomorrow – but he did Jim and me a favour by making us pre-occupied with something else!
The hardest bit I found was to buy and write a card for Jim – signing it just from his Mum - that was hard - Alex’s birthday was the day after the funeral and I could write ‘love Mum and Jim’ on Rob’s card – but I did struggle buying and signing Jim’s card – which is pretty stupid – but maybe not.
Anyway we have now passed and recognised all five birthdays and that’s a good thing – Jim seems in good spirits and talking positively about next year and returning to school – though I think that all the sofa lying has enabled him to grow a few more inches – my lovely seventeen year old, six foot four baby!
The hardest bit I found was to buy and write a card for Jim – signing it just from his Mum - that was hard - Alex’s birthday was the day after the funeral and I could write ‘love Mum and Jim’ on Rob’s card – but I did struggle buying and signing Jim’s card – which is pretty stupid – but maybe not.
Anyway we have now passed and recognised all five birthdays and that’s a good thing – Jim seems in good spirits and talking positively about next year and returning to school – though I think that all the sofa lying has enabled him to grow a few more inches – my lovely seventeen year old, six foot four baby!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Feeling much happier
As I’m going to be working 4 days a week and am taking extra time off over the summer. It feels like a lot less pressure – I am doing well and coping OK at work but I did feel that it was all getting a bit on top of me – so working less hours will force me to prioritise what I can and need to do – I didn’t want to go off sick and take a few weeks off - so this way I can catch up with myself – hopefully.
I have a job which I love and one I know I can do – but I am also aware that I am struggling. I have also started to understand that a sudden bereavement like mine has a physical as well as psychological impact – it was good to be told these things – as I was feeling that I just wasn’t coping and was so very very tired. So this way, hopefully I will keep on top of things but also be able to say – sorry can’t do that at the moment.
Work is actually very good – we are at an exciting time with lots going on and things happening – I am so lucky as I have the kind of job that can be as big as I want to make it – what I need to do at the moment is to work out what I really need to be doing – and then to force myself to say no to things that I don’t need to do - hopefully this will help me be clearer about what I really want and need to do!
Anyway the upshot of this week is that I am going to be at work less and this will give me a bit more time to do other things – or maybe nothing – and as Chris always said doing nothing was always what I very bad at!
I have a job which I love and one I know I can do – but I am also aware that I am struggling. I have also started to understand that a sudden bereavement like mine has a physical as well as psychological impact – it was good to be told these things – as I was feeling that I just wasn’t coping and was so very very tired. So this way, hopefully I will keep on top of things but also be able to say – sorry can’t do that at the moment.
Work is actually very good – we are at an exciting time with lots going on and things happening – I am so lucky as I have the kind of job that can be as big as I want to make it – what I need to do at the moment is to work out what I really need to be doing – and then to force myself to say no to things that I don’t need to do - hopefully this will help me be clearer about what I really want and need to do!
Anyway the upshot of this week is that I am going to be at work less and this will give me a bit more time to do other things – or maybe nothing – and as Chris always said doing nothing was always what I very bad at!
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Another week
Struggling not to feel depressed - and determined not to go there - though it has been hovering for a few days now.
Jimmy has been unwell and though it looks like just a virus - it has taken it out of him - he seems a lot better this weekend and also started to eat again - you do get worried about 16 year old boys with no appetite.
Alex appeared a bit unexpectedly and has made us all laugh - he an ability to lighten us all - though the fart jokes rule when he is here!
Had a quiet Eurovision - last year we had two Norwegians and a Croatian and were much European - but last night we had Gilly, Aziz and Jamal and we enjoyed it - lots of laughing and messing about. Again recognising how lucky I am to have so many lovely boys in my life.
Today I feel very tired that's probably why I feel a bit low - Alex is trying out the new bath and from the cursing think he has managed to fill it with cold water - easily done!
Jimmy has been unwell and though it looks like just a virus - it has taken it out of him - he seems a lot better this weekend and also started to eat again - you do get worried about 16 year old boys with no appetite.
Alex appeared a bit unexpectedly and has made us all laugh - he an ability to lighten us all - though the fart jokes rule when he is here!
Had a quiet Eurovision - last year we had two Norwegians and a Croatian and were much European - but last night we had Gilly, Aziz and Jamal and we enjoyed it - lots of laughing and messing about. Again recognising how lucky I am to have so many lovely boys in my life.
Today I feel very tired that's probably why I feel a bit low - Alex is trying out the new bath and from the cursing think he has managed to fill it with cold water - easily done!
Monday, May 07, 2007
May Bank Holiday
Have been away walking in Yorkshire - it was really good - there was 8 of us - all women - and it was easy, fun and a lovely opportunity to talk. We were also very lucky with the weather - and the spring flowers and freshness were wonderful.
Ruth hadn't done much walking before and her pleasure and sense of achievement was a joy. She and I also had the chance to talk which was special. Ruth suddenly lost her husband last July and I have been thinking about her a lot over the last few months - as we are in many ways sharing a journey. So it was good to talk and for us both to have a depth of understanding of each other's situation, based on our own knowledge.
There were lots of flowers, including bluebells on all three of our walks and we did a good mixture of moors, woods and climbs.
So all in all a very satisfying weekend and one I think I needed. It's good to have some fresh air and a bit of distance.
Ruth hadn't done much walking before and her pleasure and sense of achievement was a joy. She and I also had the chance to talk which was special. Ruth suddenly lost her husband last July and I have been thinking about her a lot over the last few months - as we are in many ways sharing a journey. So it was good to talk and for us both to have a depth of understanding of each other's situation, based on our own knowledge.
There were lots of flowers, including bluebells on all three of our walks and we did a good mixture of moors, woods and climbs.
So all in all a very satisfying weekend and one I think I needed. It's good to have some fresh air and a bit of distance.
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