Felt the need to do a blog tonight - have found the conference quite hard - though presentation went very well - it's just meeting lots of people that I know and that I haven't seen since last September. The sense of loss was strong tonight - as I had a 'I'll phone Chris' moment when I came back to the room for the night - which was hard.
Anyway - am listening to the latest episode of the Archers and having a herbal tea - time for bed!
Friday, June 29, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Galway
The Lakes were lovely – though I managed to forget to fill the car with petrol for the third time in a few weeks and ended up getting a lift from a very nice young student from Manchester Uni - to get a gallon of petrol – I never run out of petrol – and three times in almost as many weeks! This is what makes me worry about myself – I seem to be able to do everything OK but forget to fill the car with petrol.
However the walks were great – and we did a long one on the Saturday – with no rain – Renata was euphoric about the lambs and sheeps which made the walk very special and a shorter one on the Sunday with some rain – the boys managed to pack in three swims, two saunas and we all had dinner out on the Saturday night – so quite a packed weekend.
Monday was work and busy and then dancing on Monday night – I told them about Renee building a Sweat Lodge, burning ribbons, cotton and tobacco and praying for Chris – I told them because it seemed the right thing to do – and it triggered other stories - I do love the dancing – it clears my head. Dancing, blogging and walking in the park with the dog - my spaces.
So Tuesday was a bit mad and Margaret, Renata and I arrived here in Galway late last night and I met some old friends. First time meetings are still hard and I know I have a day of them today. I am also making the opening speech at the conference and I am worried that I will be wrong footed by a nice person being caring just before I speak. But Big Breath – just get on with it – story of my life at the moment!
However the walks were great – and we did a long one on the Saturday – with no rain – Renata was euphoric about the lambs and sheeps which made the walk very special and a shorter one on the Sunday with some rain – the boys managed to pack in three swims, two saunas and we all had dinner out on the Saturday night – so quite a packed weekend.
Monday was work and busy and then dancing on Monday night – I told them about Renee building a Sweat Lodge, burning ribbons, cotton and tobacco and praying for Chris – I told them because it seemed the right thing to do – and it triggered other stories - I do love the dancing – it clears my head. Dancing, blogging and walking in the park with the dog - my spaces.
So Tuesday was a bit mad and Margaret, Renata and I arrived here in Galway late last night and I met some old friends. First time meetings are still hard and I know I have a day of them today. I am also making the opening speech at the conference and I am worried that I will be wrong footed by a nice person being caring just before I speak. But Big Breath – just get on with it – story of my life at the moment!
Friday, June 22, 2007
Off to the Lakes
For the weekend - it is absolutely pouring down as I write - so I do hope it stops. Jim, Renata, Aziz, Jamal & Kipper - I'm looking forward to revisiting a couple of my favourite walks. For all I wasn't working today - I don't seem to have had any time!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Running and not really standing still
Renata arrived last Sunday and it has been a very busy week – but a good one. We went to Cardiff on Monday evening after work, as I had a meeting there on Tuesday. Before we left I found letters and a CD from Hannah – which I have played all week – and is playing now as I write this. Unexpected presents are the best. Running to catch up with myself at work but still took Friday off as I know I need to do this to keep on top of things. Had 12 for dinner on Thursday, 4 US Interns, 2 TRiO staff, Metap our Turkish Intern, Renata, Jimmy, Rob and my niece Becki. I found it quite hard – not the logistics but just doing it without Chris – he always enjoyed cooking and entertaining a group like this. But I’ve done it now and Rob and Renata were a great help at keeping the conversation going – some interesting US/Croatian/Turkish comparisons!
Went out Friday with Les and Ruth, Renata went out with the boys, Alex was home which is always a pleasure. Renata and I met Jenny, Ann and Evi on Saturday and we walked beyond Crosby beach, it was high tide and I have only seen the Gormley statues at low tide – we could only see a few heads – but that was such a different view of them – I enjoyed them – without being able to see them!
It’s good to be so busy – but I know I need to watch the ever present, creeping exhaustion!
Went out Friday with Les and Ruth, Renata went out with the boys, Alex was home which is always a pleasure. Renata and I met Jenny, Ann and Evi on Saturday and we walked beyond Crosby beach, it was high tide and I have only seen the Gormley statues at low tide – we could only see a few heads – but that was such a different view of them – I enjoyed them – without being able to see them!
It’s good to be so busy – but I know I need to watch the ever present, creeping exhaustion!
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Levels of exhaustion
Tomorrow is Friday – and I’m not working. My first official four day week – and I am so appreciative of this. I suppose it’s because my body knows that I’m not working tomorrow that it has let itself be so tired tonight. I have been really questioned this total feeling of exhaustion – it has been creeping up on me for a while now – I don’t think I have ever felt like this before - even when the boys were tiny babies – I have never felt this depth of physical tiredness. Not unwell – not sick - but just completely and utterly exhausted.
Talked to Gilly tonight and she said that I have had 5 years of intense emotions in a space of a few months and that this must have a physical knock on – and that made sense to me. Tonight I am also feeling proud of myself in coming out and acknowledging my physical weariness before it catches up with me in some form of illness. Looking back when I have been sick it has often been at times when I could be ill – when I have let myself switch off. So the fact that I am working – and doing OK – despite having a bit of a wobble today – but by and large working and coping well – however I am increasingly thinking that it is important that I give in to the tiredness – and just accept it as stage that I have to go through.
I have never really read thoroughly the booklets they gave me on bereavement but I don’t recall a section on ‘giving into exhaustion’ – but today I feel that this is what I must do – and that to acknowledge that the tiredness is a good thing. The other good thing is that tomorrow I am off for three days – lovely!!!
Talked to Gilly tonight and she said that I have had 5 years of intense emotions in a space of a few months and that this must have a physical knock on – and that made sense to me. Tonight I am also feeling proud of myself in coming out and acknowledging my physical weariness before it catches up with me in some form of illness. Looking back when I have been sick it has often been at times when I could be ill – when I have let myself switch off. So the fact that I am working – and doing OK – despite having a bit of a wobble today – but by and large working and coping well – however I am increasingly thinking that it is important that I give in to the tiredness – and just accept it as stage that I have to go through.
I have never really read thoroughly the booklets they gave me on bereavement but I don’t recall a section on ‘giving into exhaustion’ – but today I feel that this is what I must do – and that to acknowledge that the tiredness is a good thing. The other good thing is that tomorrow I am off for three days – lovely!!!
Monday, June 04, 2007
Doing what I would have done the night Chris died
New staff are invited, with their Head of Department, to a meal at the Vice Chancellor’s Lodge – and the night Chris died I was due to go with some new members of my team – and tonight I went with another couple of new staff.
I don’t know if anyone else had put the two events together – but in my mind the link was very strong. Anyway I went and enjoyed it in many ways – not least because I had done it – walking home I felt an over whelming sadness and then when I got home I felt really sad and lonely – on my own – probably for the best - I met Jim going round to his mates.
Thinking about it I feel sad that I am so upset just for me – I’m not really thinking about Chris – I’m just thinking about me – and what it feels like to be sad and feeling on my own. Now isn’t that self indulgent!
I think about Chris all the time but tonight I was thinking about myself and I suppose people would say – it’s early days – and that’s probably what you need to do at this time – but it is making me cross with myself. I am sad and I am lonely – and that’s OK – that’s how I should feel – but I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself – I don’t approve of that. I have too much in my life to enjoy, to appreciate and to feel grateful for – but I’m not - I’m feeling sorry for myself!
Anyway – good old blogg – to my rescue – I’ve written it down now – I’ve acknowledged it – don’t think better of myself for thinking these things – but do feel better that I am open with myself for feeling like this. So what to do – well – stop feeling sorry for myself – find a new book I’ve just finished the 5th Barchester Chronicle – count my blessings and probably have an early night!
… and be nice to the dog - Rob mended the back gate over the weekend – helped by Aziz – and then painted it – I put a caste iron bench across the path to stop the dog running into the wet paint – last night when Jim let him out – he chased an imagined cat and went slam into the bench – knocked it over and broke it!! I think it’s amazing that he can break a heavy duty bench and not appear even a bit delicate today – considering his injuries of two weeks ago – anyway I can be nice to the dog tonight – there I feel better already!
I don’t know if anyone else had put the two events together – but in my mind the link was very strong. Anyway I went and enjoyed it in many ways – not least because I had done it – walking home I felt an over whelming sadness and then when I got home I felt really sad and lonely – on my own – probably for the best - I met Jim going round to his mates.
Thinking about it I feel sad that I am so upset just for me – I’m not really thinking about Chris – I’m just thinking about me – and what it feels like to be sad and feeling on my own. Now isn’t that self indulgent!
I think about Chris all the time but tonight I was thinking about myself and I suppose people would say – it’s early days – and that’s probably what you need to do at this time – but it is making me cross with myself. I am sad and I am lonely – and that’s OK – that’s how I should feel – but I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself – I don’t approve of that. I have too much in my life to enjoy, to appreciate and to feel grateful for – but I’m not - I’m feeling sorry for myself!
Anyway – good old blogg – to my rescue – I’ve written it down now – I’ve acknowledged it – don’t think better of myself for thinking these things – but do feel better that I am open with myself for feeling like this. So what to do – well – stop feeling sorry for myself – find a new book I’ve just finished the 5th Barchester Chronicle – count my blessings and probably have an early night!
… and be nice to the dog - Rob mended the back gate over the weekend – helped by Aziz – and then painted it – I put a caste iron bench across the path to stop the dog running into the wet paint – last night when Jim let him out – he chased an imagined cat and went slam into the bench – knocked it over and broke it!! I think it’s amazing that he can break a heavy duty bench and not appear even a bit delicate today – considering his injuries of two weeks ago – anyway I can be nice to the dog tonight – there I feel better already!
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