Today I went to the biggest slum in Africa....

.... and it was....... lost for words - tonight I am feeling very full emotionally....

.... to see poverty beyond my comprehension - but at the same time to see such joy and hope - is also beyond my comprehension - OK so my mind is still struggling to get to grips with this - but my heart is singing!

Africa......

....tonight am in Nairobi after a week in Addis Ababa...... and the first chance to blogg.... so much has happened......

......... feeling quite lost for words..........

I suppose nothing really has happened except I have been given the opportunity to be me and to see and to learn...... I have been on a real learning journey.....

..... tonight I am back in the comfortable world of a nice hotel in Nairobi with good internet, hot water etc with insightful colleagues/friends from Brazil - and tomorrow I go on another African journey.

Spoke to my Mum tonight - she is amazing and she listened with love to my stories of where I have been....

.... learning, learning, learning....... LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

....off again.....

... and not feeling nervous - but really, really excited!!!!!!

It's Saturday teatime and tomorrow morning at 4 I have to leave for the airport - I'm all packed - just thinking through what I might have forgotten - and tomorrow I go to Ethiopia - wow, wow ,wow!!!!!!! For a week and then to Kenya for a week - lots more wows!!!!

I have been over to my Mum's today with my sister Fiona and for the second week reading some of my Father's letters to my Mum. They met in Germany in 1945 at the end of the second world war - and after very few weeks (3-6 my Mum moves the figure)  became engaged - and then my Dad was posted to Abyssinia  (Ethiopia) for a year.

So last week I started to look at my Dad's letters - to see if I could see where he had been posted etc. I discovered that he had spent quite a lot of the time in Nairobi - but beyond that very little abut the places he was stationed - or what he saw etc.

But what I did read was extraordinary; the outpourings of love from a young man to a young woman - separated by half a world. They wrote daily (with occasional misses - explained with love and details of 'no light' or 'a party at the Mess') and it was just beautifully from the heart.... real love letters...... letters of love from a young (remarkably innocent and naive) young man to the love of his life. Bufffffffff

I read some out to my Mum...... we cried last week - so this week I selected more.... she hasn't been able to face these letter before - but I think she will now start to read them again on her own. The love of 66 years - in the words of a young man. So amazingly beautiful. I nearly wrote poignant - but I don't think it is poignant - I think it is JUST BEAUTIFUL - that my Mum can read the words of love, written from the heart - from the love of her life. The fact that he wrote them 68 years ago is irrelevant, the fact that he is dead is irrelevant. He loved her then and he loved for all the rest of the 66 years they were together - she misses him so much - but to have been loved like that is truly special.....

My Mum says often - I'm so lucky - and today witnessing this - she is.... I have become strangely short of words - bit overwhelmed by it really.

Then tomorrow I go to Ethiopia!

Lots more stuff in my heart... but the restlessness of the night before travel has come over me - and I need a really early night.......

WOW!!!!! - the only word to describe how I feel tonight, blessed, deeply appreciative and so EXCITED!!!

Sunday evening... how did that happen?

... it only seems seconds ago it was - yesterday, last Sunday, a year ago.........

This week has been a real - up and down sort of week - but on reflection maybe this is not a bad thing.

Trying to find answers.......

We live in a world were we see things as linear - but maybe not everything is linear? Maybe we live in a spiral universe - so going up and down is in the context of going round and round. So maybe all this means is that when we feel we are going up and down - we are actually going forward - all be it in a strange sort of jumpy fashion!

Back to earth....  there have been great bits to my week, Steph being here for several days, Jimmy back in Liverpool, settling into the house, work prickly but eventually being able to see really clearly what needs to be done and having an amazing day on Wednesday working with young people - wonderfully, mind-blowingly good!

But there has been down bits - not certain what - a sort of heavy feeling about 'stuff' - now that is not a very clear description! OK - I have struggled with something this week - which is very deep within me - I will use this blogg to explore it.......

......I love blogging - because now I have to write down what exactly has been 'bugging' me all week!

Well..... it's been about 'manifesting' - for quite a while I have known - consciously - that there is a really strong relationship between - 'what I expect - and what I get'. I see it happening - I look back over my life and I can see when and how it happened. Small things and big things.

I have been reflecting on these and my thinking has ended up understanding that these things happened in order for me to learn....................-

As I got clearer about why things things happened because I learnt this or because I learnt that .... then I can comfortably move to - it all happened actually  'for a purpose' - I then moved on to 'Wow - I made these things happen.... because this is what I learnt from that.'

Pretty bonkers stuff - but all making prefect sense to me!!!

The next stage is to then say - OK - 'If I  can do this - if I can make things happen - then what should I consciously manifest?'

At this point,  I got into a very difficult loop of thinking - do I manifest something because I want it - or do I manifest something because I will learn from it - two completely different things.........

Anyway - I have been wrapping myself up in this thought loop for a while now - since the point that I clearly saw the relationship between me manifesting things which happened in my life - somethings because I wanted them - but most because on reflection - I learnt so much from them.

I believe that I have been manifesting my life -this beautiful rich life I lead - I am responsible for it.....Quite a big leap in thinking this - but I have to say it is where I am - and where I have been for a while now.

So Dear Blogg readers - thanks-you for staying with me - and yes this is a pretty convoluted thought chain!

So the dilemma is - now I 'know' what I am doing - what do I manifest - what I want (nice stuff)? or stuff for me to learn (which might not be so nice stuff)?

I am surprised (but also not surprised) that I have ended up understanding that what I have to go with is ....... faith. Now this is a really difficult word/concept for me - because I equate this word with religion - and total knowing, total clarity - and also total dogma, blindness, lack of thinking......

So... now you see my dilemma - loving the manifestation concept, seeing/living its reality - knowing that I can do it consciously - and then finding that what I manifest has to be based on faith .

So I have to have faith - in other words I have to 'know' in my head - that I don't actually 'know' - but to 'know' in my heart - that I actually do 'know'. Because I am living it!

Well this has been a long - and not easy blogg to write, Thank you staying with me - am aware that I am not clear yet - but loving the process of getting there - and Sooooooo excited about what I am manifesting!!!!

Life's amazing - and probably spiral - have faith! xxxxxx

Deliciously beautifully bonkers.....

......on a lots of levels!

 

Love it -  it has been an amazing week - with three really big things happening! 

I am now at home in my little flat - but holding close to myself the joy that Jimmy and 4 of his friends are now the Tenants ( as defined by law!) of Cheltenham Avenue. Lots of stuff here - and from my point of view - a lot of resolution. This was my lifetime home for over 30 years - my family home - Chris and my home - where I brought my new born babies to, where I brought my family up, where I was happy, where I confronted the most beautiful and the hardest lessons I could ever face etc,etc...... I left it three years ago - not easy - but now the house is taking a new life, the home of Jimmy (and Rachel) in Liverpool plus four of his friends - love it! Though the complete lack of furniture, fittings and everything else was a bit unexpected - but after the shock have loved  the lack of  memories.... 

Second big thing was coming back to earth after Singing in the Wild! Won't even try to start explaining this - need to blogg sometime with honesty and openness and try to explain where I go - and who I am in the valley -  but I am ME - beautiful, spiritual, true and authentic- oh yes - and divine - so not easily put on a blogg!!!

Third thing was work - an amazing falling together of 'stuff''..... too tired tonight to detail but it was  amazing when the day to day stuff - the every day norms - fall in line with the bonkers reality of my other life! It is also hard to make sense -sorry!

It's Friday night  and I have been drinking wine with Gilly.

xxxxxxxx.. and something is making me sneeze - atishu!!!!!