Treacle week

Finding things really hard this week … walking through treacle and just feeling down.. the worse bit is that is Jim is down too and I don’t know how to help – he says he’s ‘fine’ but I know and can see he’s not – worrying because I feel low that I am making too much of it – or even causing his being down. Can’t say we are talking much about it – had a bit of a to do tonight and ended friends but fairly un-communicative friends – he got quite angry when I said I was down too… and that it was OK to feel low sometimes – and then I felt worse for telling him – but you do your best – and that’s all I can do.

The computer has also had a serious breakdown – possibly caused or causing our depression! Jim’s worried he’s lost all his music and I’m worried I’ve lost all my photographs.

So it’s Tuesday evening and we both feel shitty – he’s finding it hard to get to sleep and I’m finding it hard to stay asleep – so are both watching the night – overlapping.

So.. doing my best to be positive… but finding it hard – but this seems a different kind of low to the bereavement feelings – it seems like a ‘normal’ lowness but just a bad dose! So I shall look at this as just another stage to go through – and I have been feeling quite good recently so I suppose I can’t expect a linear path – am worried about Jim though but I’m his Mum and I should worry about him.

A bit down but dancing

Have felt a bit low this week – but a sort of normal time of the year lowness – probably because I was also so busy for the last couple of weeks. Went out with Gilly for tapas on Thursday and we cheered each other up as she too was a bit low.

Yesterday I went to dance workshop and danced for over 5 hours. It was wonderful and just what I needed. Today Gilly, Fiona, Aziz and I are going to walk through some woods to see the autumn colours before they all fall off the trees. It will be wet though as it’s pouring with rain but the dog will enjoy it!

.....busy,busy

Very busy week – I love things like the Staff Tour – but they are exhausting – didn’t go with group to the Netherlands so met Gilly at Estabans early last night but had to leave early as was falling asleep.

Yesterday would have been Chris’s birthday – and it was fine – we have moved on so far in a year – I have just looked back at my blogg for that time and I can see it. This time last year I was just starting to think about going back to work and was in a hard place – a year on I’m me, working normally, much more comfortable in being on my own and so much lighter. Living my life.

Alex came home last night but I didn’t see him because I was in bed – and I have Aziz and Jamal coming shortly, so Rob will bring the papers round and I will make a giant breakfast for 5 boys and we will do the quiz and laugh. My life and a good one.

Busy, busy

At the end of a busy week and the start of a busy weekend – with 17 Americans and 1 Croatian currently travelling to Liverpool! Work is very busy and not just for me – we are a very busy team!

Feel I am coping well at work – not having the blank panics that I had when I first went back – but now I’m a year on I don’t think have any excuse – this is quite an interesting thought as I have been able to give myself an excuse for the last year and could justify any mistakes I made. But not any more! Think I need to watch tiredness – as I am working full-time and although sleeping OK I often wake very early – but that’s life and I do know how lucky I am.

Jimmy has started to talk about holidays next year – there is a group planning inter-railing and another something more packaged. Jim thinks there needs to be someone who sorts out all the planning and the money etc and as he then spent a while on the computer costing train tickets etc I think he could be the one!

Now I have to think about myself – I was protected by boys this summer – but next summer I’ll be on my own – not too worried about that but it does require me to think through what I want to do sooner rather than later. Which I can do. Time to walk the dog and greet Americans!

last first - hopefully!

Yesterday was my last first – the first anniversary of Chris’s funeral – I don’t think I have any more really significant firsts to do – I am now on seconds!

Funnily enough I had my hair cut yesterday – and Paula – who knows where I am - as she lost her mother and brother within a week last December – we recalled that I had had my hair done on the day of Chris’s funeral. I remember not being able to speak - so full of emotion – so a year on very different.

Doug and Sue were here on Friday night – on their way to Scotland – as Dougie’s mum died this summer and Sue’s sister has just had heart surgery. It was lovely to see them and we had a proper Friday night out with other friends – very enjoyable.

Today is Alex’s 24th birthday – spoke to him earlier – he had had a special lunch with Lara and was walking it off – he had a horrible birthday last year but like me – he is moving on.

Jim and I had tea and a bit of a row – which was actually quite a good row – as we both explained to each other what was pissing us of about what the other had said. Pretty grown up for a mum and a 17 year old!

I went shopping today and bought yet more jeans/trousers as I have gone from a size 16 to a size 12 in a year! I was looking at photos earlier on today and don’t think I looked fat – I did look happy if bigger – but hopefully I will appear in photos now happy but thinner!

Feel good and really OK – don’t know yet if I am happy – still trying to cope with being the post Chris Tricia – not quite ready to do happy - the photo 2005 – of me and Renata on a boat off the Croatian coast – I look very very happy – and thinking back I was – Chris and I did good holidays and we were happy.

But thinking deeper was Chris happy – yes I think he was on one level – but on another level I don’t know if he ever did ‘happy’. He did pleasure and enjoyment and he certainly did appreciation – but he wasn’t nicknamed ‘Damper’ for no reason – he never did happy in the way that I did/do.

So a year on – glad my last first is over – thinking a lot about good friends who loved and miss Chris – thinking about my boys – working out who they are – understanding this because I have never found the answers to that!