Special days......

The days between a death and a funeral are always special.... busy ... always lots of really important things to decide... all of which are really small things - but of course these are the most important things in this life....... but also times when you are together doing nothing - talking with your heart open and receptive - able to get close - to reflect and to just be......  the technology enabling this happen across the world.... wonderful......

I have just loved the messages I have received - I lay on my bed yesterday and just thought - 'Just accept this love that is being sent to you..... just receive it!'... and I did - I lay there and just said ' I receive this love - thank you - it makes my heart so happy.' Because I know that I find it very difficult to receive love - to actually accept that people love me - because to do so means that I totally accept and love myself - and as everyone knows that is the hardest thing in the world! So how special is it that at this time I am making big steps in that direction - receiving love - shouldn't be that hard - but boy it is!!!!

Am at home - early evening after a day of planning my Dad's funeral..... sisters meeting  - then with my lovely Mum - sitting in this glorious sunshine we are having - trying to come to terms what is happening in her life.... and she is - wonderful woman -  choosing flowers........ being overwhelmed by much of it..... loving her daughters and one grand-daughter for being there for her today in the sunshine........ repeatedly saying - 'I am just so lucky'... her gratitude for her and my lovely Dad's life being such an important part of her - and our healing...................   how blessed are we to be close to this?

Wanting to be 'home' though this will not be her home of 55 years, but she is looking forward to being home (somewhere) to going on day trips, seeing primroses in Devon, going to the Lakes... she can see much of it... details to be sorted... but she is creating her new life.... and watching her do this is wonderful, inspirational and just so special.................

I will speak at my Father's funeral - at the Crematorium Service before the Service of Thanksgiving in the Unitarian Chapel - where his 4 daughters were married - wow he was so blessed my Dad... I talked today about what I will say... but I will spend time with my Mum over this weekend understanding what I need to say - for her and for us....

What we need to say to my Dad - is easy - 'We love you - thank you for being in our lives'

What needs to be said for my sisters and our family is not yet clear but it will become clearer over the next few days and nights (dreaming it)......

So I am tired... bone weary actually - but also really good.... beginning to take steps to really love myself.... bufffff that's not easy.... also know that you my lovely Blogg readers also care about me - otherwise you wouldn't bother to read all this stuff - so thank-you  - to know you are there - and I do know you are there cos there is something called 'Stats' (number of pages viewed - no idea by whom) - and it is wonderful to know you are there - I sound like my Mother - I am just so lucky, thank you for being in my life xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Today my lovely Dad died.....

.... and it was a truly beautiful experience - writing that - seems a weird way of putting it - but it was beautiful, it just felt right, well done, peaceful, joyous and sad........ and several hours on - I cannot think of it as anything other than a truly beautiful and wondrous thing - to witness - and to be a part of.

It has been getting closer for several days and the pace seemed to accelerate very rapidly near the end.... but like all these things - it seems a very long few days - it is always difficult to put time into boxes.... the days and nights seem to have stretched but also to have contracted.

My Dad did seem to have been released in someway by my Mum's visit on the Sunday - like she was giving him permission to die. He has always been there for her.... I think he has been staying alive for her for a few years now - staying in his tired and worn out body through the power of his love for her.

He also waited for his two older daughters to get home - leaving us less than 24 hours after their return. My sister Ann stayed with him last night, then I went up to the nursing home early this morning. They advised me to get my sisters there... and we got my Mum there as well.... so we were all there..... and looking back I think it was just about an hour after my Mum arrived - from her own hospital bed - that he died.

It was an amazingly beautifully sunny day and we moved between his room and this little garden  - at the moment of his death -  two of my sisters and I were with my Dad - and my other sister, her husband and my Jimmy were in the garden with my Mum. As we watched the signs of life fade from my Father's frail and tired body, I could hear my Mother's voice 'tinkling' in the background through the open window. The sound of his life.... my Mother's voice..... It was like a big beautiful wave of love filled the room and followed the sound out of the window....... pure peace.............

She was amazing.... accepting that it was his time to go - I am so grateful that we got them together on the Sunday - as I think she would have found it so difficult to understand had she not gone through that day.... and my wonderful son Jimmy was her companion as she sat for the last time with her lovely man of 66 years.... her youngest grandson being there for her.... she was so surrounded in love... she just kept saying - I am just so lucky..... and she was and is.....

She is not ready to go, she is full of life.... though having a broken hip and a faulty heart valve are cramping her style a bit at the moment... but her zest and enthusiasm for life are inspirational. I think she just needs to keep this momentum going over the next few days and weeks of getting her 'home' somewhere - which will probably not be her home of the last 55 years... but one step at a time, the next one is Rehab - and the funeral......

So my lovely Dad is no more in this world - it has been an extraordinary few weeks, very hard but also such a blessing - I am falling asleep as I type - so time for me to go to bed..........................

... relief......

... well that what it feels like - a real relief ....... maybe that should be a real release.... don't know - it's been a long hard day - and I feel very exhausted... but also very relieved.....  feels like something has been released!

... we did well - in fact we did it brilliantly - and we did it as a family - how wonderful is that?  We got Mum to the nursing home - that wasn't easy - but we did it - then we enabled her to talk to Dad - he didn't talk back but he did respond - and we were there - coming and going - laughing, reminiscing, being family, sharing tears, hugs and love - we were magnificent!!!

My Mum was magic - she got there and she couldn't understand my Dad - she didn't want him to be old and dying - and she told him  you're only 94!  Effectively - that's no excuse for dying - she wanted him to get out of bed and get on with his life - their life - she just didn't want him to die.......

We left them together.... we were together as a big/small group/s.... we came and went... all good stuff... all things that needed to happen.... and by the end of the afternoon it was like my Mum gave my Dad permission to die.....  she accepted the fact that he was going to die..... and being my Mum - she then wanted it to happen there and then as she had made the decision!

I don't know when it will happen - I asked him to wait for my sisters to get back and he said OK - I don't think it will be long myself.........

Then I came home and cooked a big chicken dinner for Jimmy, - it makes me so happy to feed one of my  sons and I also needed to eat something sensible - and then all the time we talked for hours on Skype and GPlus with his brothers - which was wonderful - we didn't dwell on the fact that we watched Chris die 5 years ago to the day - but we recognised it - we talked about the day with Nan and Pop and we just talked, laughed and enjoyed each others company - how magic is that - in three countries - via technology!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So tonight my heart is going out to my sisters - impatient to be home, my Dad hopefully hanging on in for them, my Mum alone in her hospital bed, sad but so resilient - inspirational.... my sons and family feeling bruised and hugely enriched by the day... and me ...well I am happy.... we did well, we loved, we showed our love - we gave it and we received it - and what more important thing is there in the world.......

My Mother

This is the photo of my Mother - that I held in front of my Dad yesterday...... today hopefully he will see her - this is hard.................

Conduit of love................

My Father is now very sick, he has an infection and although they are giving him antibiotics, he is very frail and tired, so I do not think he will be with us for much longer. Tomorrow we are going en masse to take my Mum out of the hospital to visit him, 2 daughters and 5 grandchildren.... I don't know if it will be last time they see each other - but it will be one of the last times they are together in this lifetime......

And what a lifetime - they met 66 years ago and married 65 years ago...... together longer than many lifetimes......they have both been very blessed and had happy, long lives, together in love - enriched by good health, children and grandchildren and now 2 great grandchildren..... they have so much to be grateful for - and I believe they are... and they both also love each with a depth that only such a union can give.....

I have been going from one to the other over the last couple of days - and looking in their eyes and giving them the love of the other....... how special is that - to be a conscious conduit of such a wealth of love.... but I suppose that is what I am..... a conduit of love... oh am I also so blessed!!!!!

This is also the fifth anniversary of Chris's death - which is obviously adding another layer of poignancy to this time... but it is also making even more beautiful and special.

My 2 older sisters are on their way home, Jenny hurt her ankle and was advised by a Doctor to stop walking, but I think that this was meant to be - because even in the time they have been travelling home, Dad's condition has deteriorated so much.

My Mum is healing physically, the little girl in her enjoying the attention of the visits by family and friends - but then she is very bored and fed up - again in a childlike way - when no-one is there. She does not have dementia though - she is very lucid and on the ball about most things - it is her approach to life that is childlike - living in the moment - I have no-one here - I'm bored - I have visitors - I'm loving the company.  She is also so very beautiful - I'm smiling all over my face at my Mother's love of life - she is just SO BEAUTIFUL.....

My Father has now lost his appetite for life - and everything else - and he is also very beautiful - curled up in bed - this frail shell - his body stopping working - though his heart is strong.... my lovely Dad... I cry as I type... he is ready to go - he has stayed so long for my Mum - his adoration and love for her - is truly inspirational.

So tomorrow we go early to take my lovely Mum to be with my lovely Dad for maybe the last time - or maybe one of the last times  - for them to meet in this life...... and I will now make some tuna sandwiches and a little pot of fruit salad - because as everyone (should) know - it is the little things in life that are the most important....

Wow isn't life precious...................

back home and happy to be so......

The work was good - in fact it was excellent...... hard and focussed - I think that is what I am good at - focussing - so we were not the whole of the SiS Catalyst family - but there was close on 30 of us - and we focussed - for 2 days - good stuff!

At the back of my mind the whole time - and wrapped up in my heart - were my Mum and Dad...... I was very conscious of my sister Fiona and Jimmy doing the hard visiting - trekking between the hospital and nursing home - feeling the day to day differences - the subtleties and nuances of their fraility and vulnerability - pretty grim stuff - so I was very aware that my being in Italy for a few days was not really helpful... but maybe - or of course - it was where I was supposed to be.

So I got home this evening and have put a hot water bottle in my bed - it feels very cold in Liverpool - but it's good to blogg xxxxx

long day....

This morning I went to work - then at 12 I left to go and see my Father in the nursing home to discuss what he wanted if he had a heart attack - resuscitation or not. We - my Dad, the Matron and I had a long and hard conversation - my Father didn't know whether he wanted resuscitation or not - but through the conversation I learn - he didn't want to be a nuisance – he couldn’t be bothered with living – and he didn’t want to leave us yet.........

Then I went to see my Mum who was remarkably cheerful considering she was still post-op on drips etc - a little girl in full flow, funny and doing really well – if not maybe well anchored in the real world..... then I went back to see my Father to tell him Mum was OK and to show him a photo of her on the Ipad – and then I drove home and sobbed as I drove – big shuddering waves of grief – so I stopped and had a lovely cup of coffee in a service station – and then I drove home to meet Jimmy off the bus back from Leeds and we went for dinner and talked.....

Tomorrow I go to Italy for a few days meetings – my wonderful sister Fiona will take on all the visiting – on top of everything else she is carrying - supported by nephews......she is the most amazing woman...

So I am feeling grateful and OK really - nauseous – but I think that is my body’s reaction to all this. Buffffff!!!!!

...........which of course means!!!!

......went to sleep on my blogg and woke really clear what is happening here - this is HEALING - wonderful healing - and very accelerated - and it's for all of us who are willing to step forward....... so that's my learning from last night!!

Learning - big time!!!

Trying to find time to stop in these busy, emotionally charged days to think about what I am learning - the interesting thing is that with so much going on - I can see other people's learning happening in front of me - and it's really, really wonderful to be able to do that - not sure if everyone else can do this - I must ask.....

Last night my Mum fell and broke her hip - and is now back in hospital (the same one - different ward!) She had surgery this afternoon and I have just been to see her - not a happy bunny - but a real fighter - planning when she's leaving - yes a bit tearful and sorry for herself - but with a childlike approach to 'getting better'. She will get better - go home - and..... she didn't go there - because of course my Dad is not there - he's in the Nursing Home - she had only 3 days of that one before she fell - this is a real whirlwind!!!!

But I can see my Mum's learning - she does repeat herself a lot - which probably makes it more visible - but she will say one thought - in various forms - but quite often - and then that will change and she will then repeat the new thought - so you can see the learning process quite clearly - and it is beautiful.

I believe that you live your life to learn - and that's what life is for - to learn - and of course at the heart of this is to learn to be happy..... Tonight I watched both of my parents tackling that full on - and for both of them from really hard places - and they both found much to be thankful for - and they both recognised their blessings and they both found moments of happiness which they shared with me - which makes my heart swell with love and pride for my two wonderful parents..... and my sisters.... and our families - and that just makes me very, very happy.......

Feeling the changes....

... there is clearly a lot of change going on my life at the moment... most visibly around my parents - Dad now in a nursing home - Mum coping but struggling on her own - Fiona and I doing well - but feeling the pressure.

But apart from that I am dreaming - livid and amazing dreams - not always remembering them - but living with some in my heart - as I can see/and feel them - big transformative dreams.....

Am awake now - 4.30 but think this time it's heart burn - fish and chips late last night with Jimmy - after going over to my parents! But also knowing that I have been dreaming again tonight..... So drinking mint tea - quick blogg - and hopefully some more sleep.....

Not unhappy with all of this - still feeling peaceful - though also have been weepy and emotional over last few days - and so tired!!!

Feeling loved.... don't feel alone.... am also feeling conscious of my sister's journeys running in parallel to my own - and now I think about that - my parents journeys as well -maybe that's who I'm meeting in these dreams! Hard work this transformation stuff!!!

Making decisions with my Dad

... tonight my Mum and I went to the hospital and my Dad made the decision to go into a nursing home.... it was his decision - though the alternative of a convalescent hospital a long way from my parents house was the only alternative.. however it was a decision that he made tonight.... it's now 2.30 in the morning and I can't sleep - I came home from the hospital quite late and felt quite sick and very exhausted... so went straight to bed... now I'm awake and still feeling rough - not certain if this is a reaction to today or just that I have picked up something - I hope I didn't take anything into a ward of frail and vulnerable old people.

Frail and vulnerable - is how I describe my wonderful Dad - a man who has been a straight upright man, all my life - I'm so lucky as I have a solid and special relationship with him - but now he is frail and vulnerable - but I am happy that he made the decision tonight - my sisters did all the work in identifying and arranging with the nursing home - but it was my job to be really sure that he was making the decision - it was good actually - he was very tired and talking was hard - but we had a laugh during the process - it was good to see his eyes smile - we were laughing at the inappropriateness of a sports convertible as a vehicle of choice for a 94 year old to get to a nursing home!!

I love my lovely Dad..........

Not sure where I am at the moment....

.... but it feels OK - in fact it feels pretty amazing - in a slightly weird and a bit spaced out sort of way! It feels like something has stayed from Spirithorse - a kind of beautiful peacefulness - which is slightly in contrast to my life at the moment - which could be a bit stressful!

My sisters Jenny and Ann are walking the Camino de Santiago and left on Saturday - they will be away 6/7 weeks - which is something that they have both wanted to do for a very long time, so that is special and important - and it means that Fiona and I need to support our parents - my Dad is back in hospital - and very frail - and my Mum is on her own and feeling lonely and depressed.

.............. and I just feel amazingly happy! I don't know quite why - my Father is getting closer to dying and my Mum is having to look at her own mortality - something that she has got to the age of 91 without doing before - so that is a bit of a shock to her system - she is actually just not going there - old age and death are for other people!! She is looking really beautiful, and has a child-likeness which is also beautiful..... she has also got an insight which I don't  think that she realises. For example when I talked to her on the phone last night - she said 'Your Dad's not really in this world anymore.' And she is right - he is not really in this world anymore - he is just so tired and frail - but very wonderful and caring - always thinking about my Mum - worrying about her.

I am filling up with tears as I think of how my Mother put her hand on my Dad's  - trying to connect in the impersonal awkward reality of a hospital bed and visitors chair.... and my Dad asking if my Mum had eaten soup - he talked a lot about soup - comfort food - worrying - then drifting away..... he is very old and very tired........... but my Mum just continues, talking, wanting to go swimming, wanting to go out and do things, forgetting a lot of day to day details but still so full of energy....

Energy - I have just been dancing and feel so very alive, awash with energy, buzzing and electrified with energy - though it feels a very peaceful energy - a calm and gentle energy - just a lot of it!!!!!

Perhaps I have to feel this good to do what I have to do over the next few weeks - or maybe people like me just feel happy and joyful - because it is where we are... I don't know - I do know I can see the pain, the grief, the fear and the longing - I can see it in myself as well as in others - I recognise it - but it is the edge - the point where joy/grief exist together that we live on - we just have to accept that and then decide which one to live with!

It all feels a bit bonkers!!!

..... and it does! 

Being back in the real/unreal world has been pretty hard - have talked to others - so know I'm not alone - which is always such a good thing to know..... 

I do think a lot at the moment - about what I know/don't know .... and know - that I actually know - very, very little - but also know that this in itself is so very exciting!!! 

But also know - that the unknown that we live in - is becoming more and more 'unknown' - yet more and more OK.

So what does this mean - well I'm coming to terms with being me - this working woman, mother, daughter, the woman of this world, with all that this involves... which does at the moment feel pretty unreal - but also recognising that this is also OK!

Think I am finally coming back down to earth after weeks in Peru followed by Spirithorse... whatever that means!!!!!!