Back at home, back at work and feeling OK. Went dancing last night - which I do love and am increasingly feeling part of the group - talking more - finding myself with a completely new set of people/friends.
Talked tonight with old friends - felt like writing my blogg - my Chris conversation substitute.
Have had a lot of flash backs recently to a year ago - next September - I suppose this is preparation for the one year milestone - two months to go yet for that. People refer a lot to the first year and I can see why - I am also now thinking that it doesn't all come right again after that first anniversary - which is a shame it would be good if one year made everything..... I was going to write back to normal but I suppose that what's this is all about - never going back - never having my normal life back again - but I now have to find my new normality.
Time for my pep talk - recognising all the wonderful people and things in my life - cherishing and enjoying them and just getting on with my life - and hey who wants normality anyway!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Scotland and back again
Time goes so slowly and yet so fast – I did savour and enjoy my time away with the boys – it was good. A whole lot of firsts – it felt a proper holiday which was a good first, staying in hotels with the dog on the way up and back – reminded me of travelling with a toddler – which as Jim is now 17 was a long time ago! We were lucky with the weather and had a lovely, active week, staying in a very comfortable house, with views of the sea – on the Isle of Skye.I did enjoy myself - though it did feel a bit lonely at times – but there again that’s how I feel at the moment. Really enjoyed the company of the boys and their enjoyment of each others company – we did loads – walked, boat trip, pony trekking, swimming in the freezing cold sea and a few more walks – so a good time!
Scotland is so beautiful – I took with me the Scottish Highlander book and much of it was based in Skye – I found it very thought provoking – visualising the reality of the harsh way of life and Scottish Clearances etc.
Work tomorrow – not unhappy about that – am glad to be home – it didn’t feel so painful coming home this time – which was good. Did think about Chris a lot when I was away – about what he would have enjoyed but also about how it was different without him – still find it hard sometimes to think he has actually gone out of my life forever.
The dog had a wonderful time and is now depressed to be at home!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Holidays?
On my own tonight - after a few days in Amsterdam with Becki - she was a joy - so full of pleasure at being away and seeing things - and so full of enjoyment at the novelty. A real first for both of us.
This is my favorite photo.
Off tomorrow to the Isle of Skye with Aziz, Jamal, Jim and Alex. That will be very different.
Had a bit of a wobble in Tescos tonight with Jim - had this over-whelming feeling that this isn't what I do for my holidays - Chris and I did versions but so different - and tonight I recognised - probably for the first time that - part of my life - holidays with Chris is over for ever - and that was a bit hard - it was the shopping for a week in Skye brought it home to me. I did get a bit weepy but feel much more reconciled tonight - Chris didn't live his life wishing for things to be different - and neither must I.
I am looking forward - but I still sometimes I do feel drawn back into wanting things to be the same.
How lucky and I to have such wonderful holidays with Chris - and we did good holidays - but I must now look forward - to relish and cherish the holidays that I now have - and to recognise how lucky I am. Well that's my lecture over to myself!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Another Friday night
And I have been to Estabans with Les, Ruth & Erica - Gilly is working a strange shift to midnight tonight. I do like Estabans - I like tapas - my size of food - and the atmosphere and service etc is really nice. So a good Friday night.
Today like most of June and so far in July it has rained - today it has just rained all day. Wasn't at work- though didn't do anything much at all - shopping, washing but beyond that nothing - and my brain feels a bit like nothing too.
This summer is so different from normal - I usually work continuously and then take a good three weeks off and we would go away - Spain, Croatia - travelling, boats and beaches. This year I'm going to be off but bitty days and going away a few days here and there. I have planned - or more likely it has just happened like this - and in some ways I'm happy that I'm doing things so differently - though in other ways I would like to be going off on a proper holiday. But I suppose I'm living my life differently to how I used to live and that's what I must accept. I wont be switching off from work this year like I usually do, but again this is probably good as work gives my life a structure to live around. at the moment.
Anyway - it's Friday night and I'm tired - not unhappy - though a bit sad - tomorrow I'm running the 5K Run for Life at Aintree Race Course and having a barbecue. Next week Becki and I go to Amsterdam - now that's something I wouldn't have thought about doing last year - but I'm looking forward to it. Counting my blessings and recognising that things are different but I'm lucky to be me.
Today like most of June and so far in July it has rained - today it has just rained all day. Wasn't at work- though didn't do anything much at all - shopping, washing but beyond that nothing - and my brain feels a bit like nothing too.
This summer is so different from normal - I usually work continuously and then take a good three weeks off and we would go away - Spain, Croatia - travelling, boats and beaches. This year I'm going to be off but bitty days and going away a few days here and there. I have planned - or more likely it has just happened like this - and in some ways I'm happy that I'm doing things so differently - though in other ways I would like to be going off on a proper holiday. But I suppose I'm living my life differently to how I used to live and that's what I must accept. I wont be switching off from work this year like I usually do, but again this is probably good as work gives my life a structure to live around. at the moment.
Anyway - it's Friday night and I'm tired - not unhappy - though a bit sad - tomorrow I'm running the 5K Run for Life at Aintree Race Course and having a barbecue. Next week Becki and I go to Amsterdam - now that's something I wouldn't have thought about doing last year - but I'm looking forward to it. Counting my blessings and recognising that things are different but I'm lucky to be me.
Friday, July 06, 2007
July 6th
Today is my 33rd wedding anniversary - and I must admit that I only remembered this fact when I was checking my emails and realised the date. There are two reasons for this – firstly Chris & I were not a big anniversary couple – we didn’t send each other cards or make a big deal of them – however Chris usually bought me some flowers and we recognised them all in some way.
The second reason is that I think I am in a denial/bereaved state and though I knew the date was coming up – I think I chose not to recognise it.
Anyway – the day has been fine – glad I was not at work - but tonight has been difficult – Jim and I commented earlier how well we got on – but tonight we had a row – I was wobbly and he is so angry – usually he is brilliant with me – but tonight I was vulnerable and not on top of things and we rowed.
So feeling weepy but – and I want to find the buts – I recognise my luckiness to have been married to wonderful man for 32 plus years – but do feel I am entitled to feel a bit sorry for myself on my 33rd wedding anniversary - 9 months after he died. Jim and I actually do argue very little which given the bereaved mother, 17 year old son living at home combo – we do well – and then tonight when I was upset – I phoned my other two sons - one of whom was in Berlin – and they both were lovely.
Jim has now gone out and I can hear him on the street with his mates – talking – I doubt he talks about rowing with his emotional mother – but he is talking. It must be hard to be Jimmy at the moment.
So 33 years married – 35 years together – a long time – a life time – a lovely man – who is now dead – I need to come to terms with this – and support all three of my sons who no longer have their lovely Dad in their lives but do have an emotional Mum. Hard but I do think they are also lucky as there is so much harder stuff to cope with!
The second reason is that I think I am in a denial/bereaved state and though I knew the date was coming up – I think I chose not to recognise it.
Anyway – the day has been fine – glad I was not at work - but tonight has been difficult – Jim and I commented earlier how well we got on – but tonight we had a row – I was wobbly and he is so angry – usually he is brilliant with me – but tonight I was vulnerable and not on top of things and we rowed.
So feeling weepy but – and I want to find the buts – I recognise my luckiness to have been married to wonderful man for 32 plus years – but do feel I am entitled to feel a bit sorry for myself on my 33rd wedding anniversary - 9 months after he died. Jim and I actually do argue very little which given the bereaved mother, 17 year old son living at home combo – we do well – and then tonight when I was upset – I phoned my other two sons - one of whom was in Berlin – and they both were lovely.
Jim has now gone out and I can hear him on the street with his mates – talking – I doubt he talks about rowing with his emotional mother – but he is talking. It must be hard to be Jimmy at the moment.
So 33 years married – 35 years together – a long time – a life time – a lovely man – who is now dead – I need to come to terms with this – and support all three of my sons who no longer have their lovely Dad in their lives but do have an emotional Mum. Hard but I do think they are also lucky as there is so much harder stuff to cope with!
Friday and not in work
In fact not even out of bed! I like the Wireless thing (technical term) we bought – it means I can use the laptop around the house including listening to the latest episode of the Archers in bed – or in this case emailing Debbie at work about some meetings.
But I have enjoyed tea and toast in bed – listening to Hannah’s CD – and upsetting the dog who thinks that his walk is very late today – which it is!
Feel a bit guilty as everyone is completely knackered at work with the remorseless regime of non stop summer schools and the final visit days – end of year finances and the mayhem which is always June and July in my world. Don’t see why I should feel more tired than the others but suppose that’s just me arguing with myself rather than accepting that I need to take the time off – I am coping but if I wasn’t doing four days then maybe I wouldn’t be.
So Friday – I will sort out some house stuff – new downstairs toilet not working – fix the towel rail in upstairs toilet – go shopping with Jim – absolutely no food in the house – sort out the dog’s kennels for when we are in America – better get up – can hear him barking downstairs – telling me he wants his walk!
But I have enjoyed tea and toast in bed – listening to Hannah’s CD – and upsetting the dog who thinks that his walk is very late today – which it is!
Feel a bit guilty as everyone is completely knackered at work with the remorseless regime of non stop summer schools and the final visit days – end of year finances and the mayhem which is always June and July in my world. Don’t see why I should feel more tired than the others but suppose that’s just me arguing with myself rather than accepting that I need to take the time off – I am coping but if I wasn’t doing four days then maybe I wouldn’t be.
So Friday – I will sort out some house stuff – new downstairs toilet not working – fix the towel rail in upstairs toilet – go shopping with Jim – absolutely no food in the house – sort out the dog’s kennels for when we are in America – better get up – can hear him barking downstairs – telling me he wants his walk!
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Renata leaves
We arrived back from Galway yesterday and then went down to the Youth Leadership conference – where a friend of Renata was speaking – another wonderful young Croatian, Danjela – with the TRiO students. Haven’t really seen these students since I did the Welcome 3 weeks ago – though Renata has been out with them a few times – and she went out with them again last night – bumping into Jimmy and his mates out clubbing!
The Croatian links are getting stronger and I spent time with Violeta, Blazenka and her daughter Marta in Ireland and have arranged quite a few things for the future. There is a sense of magic around these links with Varazdin. They and I, both enjoy the story about how I watched the Webcam for 2 years before visiting Varazdin in 2001 and then meeting Blazenka and Renata in Stoke on Trent in 2003. Since then Renata has become so close to me, with Graz and holidays and visits, and now the formal links growing through work. A very strong sense of this is meant to be – though where it is leading I am not sure.
Galway was an opportunity for me to reflect on where I am going. In September it will be a year since Chris died and sometime over the following year I think I will be ready to think about where I am going in the future. But good friends and chance conversations are starting to make me think – there are two stages to this – first I must accept that what I do in the future does not include Chris – and I don’t think I am quite there yet – and secondly when I have accepted this - then I can start to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.
But Galway though hard, did move me forward – what I do know is that my future in some way involves Croatia and Varazdin – because I have known this for several years now- and Renata and her sheeps just makes me happy.
The Croatian links are getting stronger and I spent time with Violeta, Blazenka and her daughter Marta in Ireland and have arranged quite a few things for the future. There is a sense of magic around these links with Varazdin. They and I, both enjoy the story about how I watched the Webcam for 2 years before visiting Varazdin in 2001 and then meeting Blazenka and Renata in Stoke on Trent in 2003. Since then Renata has become so close to me, with Graz and holidays and visits, and now the formal links growing through work. A very strong sense of this is meant to be – though where it is leading I am not sure.
Galway was an opportunity for me to reflect on where I am going. In September it will be a year since Chris died and sometime over the following year I think I will be ready to think about where I am going in the future. But good friends and chance conversations are starting to make me think – there are two stages to this – first I must accept that what I do in the future does not include Chris – and I don’t think I am quite there yet – and secondly when I have accepted this - then I can start to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.
But Galway though hard, did move me forward – what I do know is that my future in some way involves Croatia and Varazdin – because I have known this for several years now- and Renata and her sheeps just makes me happy.
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