Secret afternoon.....

Today I should have been dancing in Spain but after several hours hanging around Liverpool airport - my flight was cancelled due to the thick fog, which ironically broke into beautiful sunshine as I got the bus home!!

Standing in a huge long queue - I had the sense to phone Rob - who booked a flight for me tomorrow - so I got the bus home and have ended up having a lovely afternoon with Alex!

We lit a huge coal fire and watched the Dr Who Hamlet - though after a very early start this morning - I did doze through the middle bit.

Sitting on the sofa, basking in the coal fire, I also wrote a long letter to one of my teachers, which ended up reflecting on the last year - I really enjoyed writing it - can't remember when I last wrote a hand written letter.

It was just so good to take a few hours to reflect on my year - it has been such a roller-coaster of a year - looking back I am amazed at what I have done and become over the last year.

I wrote that I don't think I have changed - I think that I have just become more me! But I also recognise that this me - is a very different me to the one of three years ago - and having my parents here - and talking deep - different from the young me.

But basically they are all me - just different phases of my life - and I suppose that's what they are - phases in my life. What has happened over the last three years has accelerated this rate of change - I think I have gone through several phases of my life/development in just a few years.

Anyway Alex and I topped off the afternoon with a yummy macaroni cheese - Alex's favourite - in the front room - and off to Spain tomorrow but feeling that I have had a secret and special afternoon in my own house!

Christmas Eve.....

... and my house is full of family, food and warmth.... it feels a very long time since this has been the case.

This is the first Christmas I have had at home since Chris's death, we have been going to my parents, special and lovely times, though under-pinned by a sense of loss.

I still feel that sense of loss, but it has evolved and grown into a bigger recognition .... I see it more as the huge sadness that we all live with... death the other side of life.. but somehow I feel I can embrace it more now.. if that makes sense.

When I danced Heartbeat the other week, I felt very strongly the two sides of sorrow/joy and how the recognition of the one enables the feeling of the other... and that's how I'm living my life at the moment, cherishing the joy and embracing the sadness..

My beautiful, wonderful and amazing parents are here staying in my house... I can hear my father humm,humming down the landing. 92 he has made my Mum (89) a cup of tea and brought it up for her.. as he always gives her a cup of tea in bed at 8.00.

They have been married for 63 years and my father's greatest pleasure is to give my Mum a cup of tea in bed at 8.00. A symbol that they have awoken to another day..... together. I remember my Dad saying years and years ago that the most amazing thing in his life was to be married to my Mum, waking up in different places around the world with my Mum's passion for travelling - a passion that he didn't really share!

My Mum still yearns to travel but my Dad is now saying that he finds it too hard to do... the trip to the Arctic Circle this Easter being just too much for him.... and my Mum sits there last night saying.. Oh Jimmy I don't know why you don't like travelling any more.. and my Dad saying I really can't do it any more .. I would if I could... and Alex and I just sitting in awe at the two of them.

So I am determined to cherish the joy of them whilst also recognising the preciousness of their time with us. My sons are just wonderful, they have just sorted and organised everything - well Rob has - and Alex and Jim did what they were told!!

I went to work until yesterday, arriving home just before Rob brought my parents... and it snowed, and I cooked and we ate, and we laughed and played bridge and had a carry on sorting out things and did what a lucky family does.. being together.. joyfully.. and with a deep love.. in the presence of my parents 6 decades of love.......

So enough of this sloppy business, time to make porridge and deal with the details of house guests... and get sorted for neighbours and friends at 6, big Christmas dinner tomorrow with family and friends, Boxing Day at the Foulkes.

Yes I am so lucky.......................

Pretty rough week........

It's Thursday night/Friday morning on what has been a pretty rough - yet in retrospect a very necessary week - who said learning is easy!!!

Anyway tonight has been wonderful – our night out - what an amazing bunch of people work in my team – I feel so very proud of them all! They are all so special and individual.

Looking back - the traumas of the beginning of the week were to do with me not recognising how central our work is in their individual lives. I see it as my passion – but have not been fully recognising how it is also their passion and in fact their lives.

So it is our lives – some more with conscious awareness than others – but the reality is that we don’t do this for the money – we do it because we believe in it!

Lessons aren’t easily learnt – and I feel that I have learnt such a lot this week – and then we danced together tonight – lovely – and they are good dancers of course!

So time now to go to sleep – and tomorrow to appreciate even more – the wonderful people that I live my life with.....

Sunday morning at home....

It's Sunday morning and I'm in bed, listening to music and having my breakfast - porridge with yogurt, Lebanese honey and almonds, freshly squeezed orange juice, fruit tea with Swiss honey - reflecting on how sweet my life is - there was a time when I was quite anxious about living on my own - but is just so good!

Went out with Gilly and Rob on Friday night to Estaban's - drinking wine and talking, arguing and laughing - like we do - cooked Jimmy an enormous fried breakfast yesterday and then we just slobbed around all afternoon - I watched the Strictly semi final - my first TV for a couple of weeks - then a Spanish DVD.

Today I'm going to walk down town and get the train to New Brighton for my Belly Dancing lesson - I'm so into walking at the moment - it gives me space to think.

I'm also meditating quite a lot - though I sometimes find it quite hard when I'm away - but being at home is lovely - I can just go - but I also need time to think - and walking gives me that - and of course I need time to dance!

But now I'm wrapped up in my beautifully warm bed, just appreciating and relishing all the wonderful things in my life, counting my blessings, lucky, lucky me.......

Part of a wonderful family...

It is amazing where I go in my life - and I was feeling down on Saturday when I left Liverpool - but now I just feel so blessed. I have spend three days with a wonderful group of people - I spoke at the final session at the conference yesterday and described them as my EUCU.net family - which is what they have become. A very special and self selecting group of people - who share my passion - we talk - with passion - and a strong feeling of shared values, mission and driving purpose to our lives.

We work hard and continue late into the night over beer or gluewein - talking deeply, sharing our hearts and exposing our souls - like brothers and sisters we argue and play games, laughing and crying together - and people think I'm at a conference!

Although English is the language of the conference I have spoken quite a lot of Spanish with my new sister Ana from Columbia, and also understood quite a lot of German – though I can’t speak it – it is so amazing to be with like minded people from across the globe – how lucky, lucky am I. That’s good I’m glad I can see and feel how blessed I am – I have an obligation to cherish very beautiful second of my life – boy do I veer between extremes!

Feeling a bit down....

Shouldn't be.. but I suppose sometimes you should accept it - as that's the way it is. I think I just feel a bit over-whelmed at work at the moment - I'm going to Bratislava today - which will be fun but also very hard work. I also don't feel as certain as I usually do - and just a bit down....

Well I suppose that's the other thing - I have no-one in my life that I can just say - I'm feeling a bit down today - that's not true - I have lots of people in my life I could say that to - but I suppose I don't want to tell anyone!

Anyway blogg I've told you - so now I must get up - pack my bag and go to Slovakia - I have absolutely no reason to feel down and every reason to count my blessings and recognise how lucky I am!