being me - part 2!!

Strangely I've started to blogg a couple of times over the last week - but not actually been able to pull together a blogg to publish - which is weird - and the first time I have ever done this - in terms of starting by writing a few sentences - and then just giving up and not saving/publishing the blogg.

OK - so feel I need to complete something tonight. It is Sunday - my birthday was last Saturday - and it feels like so much 'stuff' has shifted/moved on. I hadn't really anticipated my 60th birthday being such a huge point of change - but - it really, really has been - and this has also taken me by surprise. Probably one of the reasons why the blogg never got written - it just felt like so much was changing - day by day.

I have been thinking about what this change has been - and I now know it is one of certainty - I now just feel very clear about what and who I am! Wow never thought I'd be able to write that!!!!!! But yes - I do feel clearer about who I am - and loving the multi-dimensional aspects of this person - me! On one level being clear about me - who I am - but this recognition also meaning - that I am deliciously unclear - about what this will look like in reality. That sounds like a contradiction - but it's not.

New year - was amazing - a purification - a real getting rid of so much! Followed by the beautifulness of becoming 60 - and with that - such a joy and gratitude for being me - this amazing 60 year old - wise woman! Yes she is pretty crazy, bonkers and unpredictable - but you know what - who cares -it's great being me!!!!

It's been a surprisingly big thing reaching this next decade - and unexpected - this week has also been one of making decisions - about myself, my work, my future. I have no idea where I will be in 3 years time - in terms of what I will be doing, where I will be living, who I will be with -  3 pretty fundamental aspects of my life!! And decisions I made this week are all part of this process of change and moving on - AND JUST SO EXCITING!

But the clarity has been about embracing being ME - and the freedom of being open to - and up for change. I think when I was turning 30, 40 and 50 - this was unimaginable.  That's not to say I wasn't happy - because in many ways I was - and secure - as Chris's wife, the boys Mum - job was less secure - but I was happy being an educational entrepreneur - with all that involved. But now - I have a greater sense of personal freedom and with this the joy of embracing the unknown - and living each precious day as just that - a 'precious moment'.

I think much of this sense of clarity is about my personal sense of  knowing - and that is very much based on my spiritual journey - which has been such an accelerated roller coaster  - over the last decade - especially in the 6 years since Chris died. It has been funny reflecting on the last ten years - and going 'Yes - they've been amazing' and then thinking - 'Oh and by the way my beautiful man of 35 years died in the middle of that decade!' But of course Chris's death was also such a huge trigger for personal change and growth - and looking back - I am proud of myself - as I did end up growing so much as a consequence of what was such a potentially devastating life change - the sudden death of my partner of 35 years.

So I am now 60 -  and this has been celebrated in several lovely ways - I am so very blessed! Planning a future of unknowns - and embracing the fact that anything could happen tomorrow - way to go!!!!!

 

Being me.....

 .... and being 60!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am amazed at how old I am - not quite 60 yet - that happens on Saturday - and I have decided already that I will love being 60 - and NOT apologise for it!

It's funny 'cos I say to people - it's my birthday and I'm 60 - and they say 'I'm so sorry - you don't look it!'  - and I understand this - over the last few years I haven't  broadcast my age - mid 50's - late 50's - keep it quiet and maybe no-one will notice! But I have decided  I am proud to be 60 - recognising how lucky I am to be 60 - joyously enjoying being ME - who by the way happens to be 60! How amazing it is to be 60 - recognising that Michael never made 20, Jan never made 40, Chris never made 60 - my Dad never made 100!

Life is for living - every precious - to be treasured - moment of it.

So I will be 60 on Saturday - deliciously enjoying my life - of course I find some things hard - finding some moments require a big breath to walk into -  but overall having a ball!

Had a great conversation with Gilly on Saturday evening - after a perfect day - First Birthday Celebration - a muddy, laughter filled walk with Perri, Gilly, Rachel and boys.... mud, laughter, lunch, more laughter and eventually Gilly and I doing what we do so well - drinking wine and talking. It was a great day and a beautifully deep conversation.....

When I was in Spain I reflected a lot about our own 'unique life journey' - and how they can be seen as being like an individual drop of water in an ocean. I do see the journey of our souls as being on their very own personal journey - but all of us together being on a collective journey. Anyway on Saturday evening Gilly and I talked deeply  - reflecting on how our lives are so very different - though also very connected through our own shared histories - and as we talked it became clear to both of us how our own personal challenges are just so very different - but we also saw the 'ocean' which is our combined journey - it was a great conversation.

OK so now it's Tuesday - though it feels like Thursday - I have been remarkably busy this week! My Mum is good - talked to her just now - she has paid half of Jim's flight to visit Rachel in Qatar - and she is enjoying that - remembering her own time apart from her Jimmy - (70 years ago) and loving that she has enabled her youngest grandchild to be with his love - as she described it, in the 'ups and downs stage' of their relationship - by which she means living in the uncertainty of their shared future - but living their lives on the basis that will be together - inter-generational connectivity. That looks like a lot of words - but it is actually very simple - my Mum recognises the love of Jimmy and Rachel - and she relates it to her own love for her Jimmy - my Dad. Buffff - beautiful - love it....

So 60 on Saturday - my whole life ahead of me - and enjoying the 'knowing nothing' about what will be - but loving the reality that it could be anything!!!!!

2013.....

........ started on top of a Spanish hillside - as I 'danced' in the new year by taking a Shamanic journey with Grandmother Bear and Owl.

Now I definitely would never have written such a statement if Chris was still alive!

But that's what I did - I danced deep and I danced alone - and I danced the edge of being in a group but also on my own. I danced in the year I will be 60 - and I danced with purpose.

OK so what does that all mean?

The process was one of purification - and I feel very much that I have been on a timeless journey. Nurtured and cherished by Oya and Michael and the group of other dancers, challenged by my own journey - it was a special time.

I got back last Thursday to a flat full of Rachel and Jimmy - counting the days until they are apart for several months as Rachel goes to Qatar to stay with her parents soon. I went to work on Friday and the weekend has been full of visits, my Mum, a Gilly dinner and a Smiley afternoon - then tomorrow morning I go to Innsbruck.

The new year has started!!!!!!!