... deliciously bonkers...............

Well the wonderful combination of the weekend followed by dancing tonight - has left me feeling just that - deliciously bonkers!!

I danced crazily tonight - it felt like I was arguing with my whole body - but also joyfully accepting the argument - danced the whole night relishing being lopsided - see what I mean about completely bonkers!!

In the circle at the end - I said I had had this argument/struggle and someone said he thought I had danced 'very honestly' which was a wonderful thing to hear - because that's where I was - open and honest - though it must have looked and certainly felt pretty bonkers!!!

The other side of this is that - ' deliciously bonkers' is also a very good place to be - to be living my life - to be consciously alive - to breath - to exist in human form - to be what we are - a unique being and to be all that we have in this lifetime.... is wonderful - but also deliciously bonkers - the only way to live!

A weekend going deeper.........................

......... and I did! Absolutely amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few years ago - can't remember when - but after Chris died - I asked for 'teachers' - did my own version of a ceremony to bring them into my life - as at that time I felt so bereft and lost - I wanted 'teachers' to tell me the solutions, the way forward, the way out.....

..... I have blogged before about the 'teachers' in my life - including recognising Chris as such a huge teacher in my life...... I still want to recognise their importance but this weekend has fundamentally changed my thinking about what they actually do ....

Firstly I do, from the bottom of my heart, recognise how important they are... but it's exactly what they do - that I now know... from beautiful first hand experience.

Teachers are 'Guides to Learning' - they don't 'teach' - by giving you answers - they 'enable your learning.' .... by giving you the space for you to learn.... or 'holding the space' for learning...

... because that's what's also changed this weekend - my understanding of learning.... I have now moved on from 'learning' to 'consciously learning' ... wow ... that's like the difference between ' being happy' and being 'consciously happy'.... wow wow wow!!!

I have just returned from a Tantra weekend where along with 8 others I was enabled to explore my 'Energy Body' ( by a brilliant teacher) and where and how it links with my 'Physical Body'. Truly beautiful and wonderfully amazing...... but the biggest thing I got from it was about 'learning'....

... my learning.... and wow ... how much I am learning .... so so so much ... my world is deep with learning ... truly beautiful conscious learning... and being so aware of what I'm learning. The bufff bit is how that everything that I have learnt - about myself and who and what I am (EI questions!) cannot be taught but must be learnt ... or more precisely remembered - because the answer to these questions is not learnt, cannot be taught and must be remembered. Which of course I knew!!!!!

So I have been deep within myself, enabled by a fantastic teacher, and remembered so much... bufff am truly blissful tonight.....

back home....

.. head still full of Mum and Dad... it was a truly special week.... got back yesterday afternoon - found my Mum's walking stick in my car when I got to Liverpool! - today has been quite a hard working day ... called round with a bacon butty for Rob - as he has no kitchen - and ended up working with him to tile the kitchen floor! We worked well together - the pressure is building up - he goes to Croatia a week on Saturday - and the house is still serious 'work in progress' - though after today he does have a tiled kitchen floor!!

But it was lovely to be helpful.. cos I've not really done anything on his house - and he has done so much... on his own.. he has never really done much DIY - so to completely gut and refurbish a house in 2 months is pretty impressive - and a lot of hard work - I think he has really missed his dad - as Chris was a great person - 'to be there' - when you needed him - to talk through stuff etc and I haven't been there for Rob - too busy flitting around the world - doing my own thing - also in some ways - Rob had to do this on his own....

Yes .. am so proud of Rob... also know that we have (as does he) unresolved stuff - but also love the fact that we are just getting on and living life with this knowledge - recognising that we can 'cat and dog' very easily - though neither of us knowing quite why... and hey maybe we will never know ...... and that sounds like a way forward!

So - here I am daughter - and mother - doing both the best I can - but also recognising that I have to be me first - can only do the other two when I am happy being me.........

Healing.............

....tonight - my beautiful Father - a man of few words these days - because he is so deaf - just couldn't stop talking .... for wonderful hours - he just talked and talked and talked....... about his childhood, his parents, his brother and sisters, his friends, his uncle and other members of his family, his early married life, his daughters, his life, his regrets.... it was a truly wonderful night...... feel very overwhelmed by it .... but also feel it was a night of healing for him and for my Mum ... who listened ... she didn't always want to ... and that was part of my role to over-rule her ..... so my lovely Dad talked and talked and talked.... and me and my Mum listened to him.... buffffffffff.

Loving this.....

.... life feels very fragile - and am very conscious of this.... have had wonderful deep conversations with both my parents - and my lovely cousin Lizzie - the fragility is the time - so short - our human lives - and the sense of opportunity - to be here - and to be able to have these conversations...... wonderful.

Last night I talked with my Mother in a way I have never done before .. totally honestly and totally open - both of us - really really beautiful. I had been dancing in Totnes with Lizzie - her first time and a pretty intense session to start with! My parents had waited up for me and my Mum just really wanted to talk - so we did !!!!!! The dance had left me very open and I think my Mum saw this and wanted to come with me - there are lots of ways of describing our conversation - and they are just that - descriptions - what I want to say is what it 'felt' like - which was such a precious feeling of how both of us were totally connected - it was truly wonderful (full of wonder.)

Today was lovely - one lost walking stick and a bit of a slow start - but the strong sense of rightness and treasuring of the joy of today - conversations, closeness, details which if not right are wrong! - eating together and a lot of laughter - buffff - holidays with nonagenarians are something else!!!!

Poignant day ....

Finding this very emotional - and I'm just doing this for a week - recognised today - that I have friends who have put their whole lives on hold whilst they cared for their elderly parents - made me feel very humble - and in genuine awe at the sacrifices they made.

I suppose I am also feeling very close to my parents mortality - everytime they climb the stepladder stairs to the 'Crows Nest' - for a start!! - also trying to treasure every moment of preciousness - like going to the pub with my Dad - and yes he did the stairs after 2 pints - amazing!!!! The joy of cooking for them - loving their appetite - wasn't really too worried when my Mum got lost this morning - it's been a long day!!!

But wonderful 1st, 2nd and 3rd cousins being here and being family - that's special - being close - by being open - buffff!

bufff emotions....................

Am in Devon with my amazing and very elderly parents - lots and lots of emotions involved with this - on so many levels - which also includes lots of hard to face stuff.

Where I am and where they are - their current total dependence on me - as they are in such a completely strange environment - but also so up for it - and embracing and coping with this - I do love them so much for this - my Mother's wonderful lack of recognition of the reality of their physical capabilities - my Father's humour - harsh - and poignant - the knowledge that I will never have another holiday like this in my life.........................

Details - a completely inappropriate house - on three levels with galley like stairs - wonderful views - but down a cobbled pathway - with no parking........ an amazing house of seafarers with flags and barometers and model ships - but for two frail elderly people - bufff bonkers!!!! - so glad I am here - this would have just been impossible without me - and my Mother's recognition of this - was not easy for her - my Father's acceptance is inspirational.

So I am here - can't remember ever in my life feeling so needed - and what else can I say - think I will have to blogg more this week..............

Getting back to normal..................

........................but hey - what is normal? OK am in Liverpool - that's not always normal for me - and actually feel physically well - and that combination just hasn't been here for several weeks - so it is Sunday morning and I have new music - Jim brought a memory stick of music for me yesterday - which I am loving.

Yesterday was a lovely day - Jim and Rob came round for breakfast - early afternoon - and I cooked a huge fried breakfast and we did the quiz - with Alex and Lara in Cambridge via Skype - it was great - we just had the computer on the table and it was just like Alex was sat there - though he was on his lunch by then!

Then we decided what we will do at Christmas and New Year - as of course we no longer have a big family house to do things in - so we are all going to my parents for Christmas and then Rob, Alex and I will go to Lara's family in Gigon - so I spend ages booking flights - complicated as Rob will be coming from and going back to Croatia.

All change - he is going to work in Varazdin leaving on the 2nd of October - race is now on for him to finish his house before he goes - as that will be rented out - it's currently a shell - though it has now got central heating, water and electricity - which is an improvement on last week! Alex has to submit his PhD by the 30th of September - so the end of September is going to be another point of change for the Jenkins family. Except maybe for Jimmy who is starting his second year - and is just so laid back and happy - and looking so big and gorgeous - shortish hair and a beard!

So Friday night - I made dinner for Hector - we are now friends not teacher and student - we talked about the last nearly two years - as I spoke more to Hector during this time than anyone else - usually twice a week. We laughed at quite how bonkers I have been during this time - truly wonderfully bonkers!! He also said that I had been a good student and how much I had learnt which made me feel good - though I know I can talk in Spanish so much better - but still struggle to understand the spoken word - reading I'm getting a lot better at - well in terms of understanding the generality - booking flights on a Spanish website tested my skills yesterday - will you be taking a pet with you? - is not a standard Easyjet/Ryanair question!!!

Hector should have been leaving for India this weekend but is still in visa no man's land - but hopefully he will be going in a couple of weeks - that's another amazing thing - because when Dr Viswanathan said conversationally he was looking for a native Spanish speaker to head up Spanish in the VIT - I texted Hector and by 11 the next morning he had been offered the job!!! So we will always be good friends as our lives have now become really intertwined.

Saturday night out with Gilly - lovely as we hadn't talked for ages - and of course we did - drink wine and talk - wonderful - I am just so lucky to have such wonderful friends. Today it's family - a lunch for my Dad's 93rd birthday - can't help saying it - how lucky, lucky lucky am I.

So feeling very happy - recognise the responsibility that goes along with that - feel like I glow with happiness - I think that I do pass this to others - would like to think I do - have been thinking about this - consciously passing happiness back - the meaning of life!!!