Went to the Sir Alastair Pilkington Building today and as I walked through the gates I remembered so lividly my rushing out after Jimmy had phoned five weeks ago.

It was lovely to see people and to have lunch with Debs and Trish. Debs talked of missing the noisy Tricia who could be heard at the other end of the corridor. I liked the sound of her and think that when I’m ready I will have to go back just full of good ideas!

I think I will be ready in three weeks time but I will make my final decision nearer the time.

After the lunch went round to Jim the Execs house and we went through the probate forms which we both duly signed. Les is really not well.

Although I was awake during the night – I didn’t actually wake up until 6:24 – result for a Tuesday morning – the digits on the clock are so large I cannot get away from the detail of time!

Went IPWD after discovering that Kipper had been freaked during the night – thunderstorm/firework – and had demolished a box of lager cans. He hadn’t punctured any of them but they were all scattered all over the kitchen floor!

He continued to disgrace himself by barking at two rottweilers – he always and only barks at rottweilers – great choice Kip. The only other dog he barks at is one who could be his twin brother!

Met Joe’s Dad IPWD and we had a nice chat about how lovely Jim’s friends are. All the boys friends have been so considerate – showing their friendship and support in their own appropriate and unique way.

The park was looking autumnal and it made me think about spring. Some trees have hardly any leaves whilst others are still holding onto them. In the spring the reverse will be true with some trees staying bare for ages whilst others are covered in new growth.

Five weeks and moving on

After dropping Alex off at the station I went to Matalan, one of the very few places which sells socks larger than a size 12, and bought 24 pairs of XXL size 14 socks – so a week supply for each son as a present! I also bought a shed load of fruit to test the juicer.

After a nice cup of tea with Richard, I spent all day sorting and should hopefully finish the probate forms tomorrow. I’ve got all the information – I think.

Have arranged to go into work tomorrow for lunch with Debs and Trish, which I’m looking forward too, though I hope I don’t cry. I think I’m fine and then I meet people and I get weepy.

Jimmy has just come home and his GCSE English Language has been re- graded as a B – which Chris would have liked as he was surprised that he had only got a C – so that was nice.

We must be getting back to 'normal' have just had an argument about socks with one of my sons - always a controversial subject - especially when they have feet the size they do!

We have to learn how to be normal again.

Made the boys a huge stack of pancakes, sausages and beans and we sat around the table – laughing and eating – the table isn’t totally reclaimed but we are working on it.

Boys have gone to play snooker, loud and tall, teasing each other non stop brotherly camaraderie .

I have the house to myself this afternoon and have decided to read – starting with John Le Carre – Jimmy and I found 11 books of his around the house – so I have a good choice.

We’re getting there.

The Vics won 2:0 against Cambridge and there were 1039 people at the match without the Jenkins there would have been 1035. We stood at the back of the Stands, watched the match and the sky and enjoyed ourselves.

Saturday night was a bit sad – Jim, Alex and I had macaroni cheese by common consensus, then Alex and I sat companionably on the sofa and felt miserable together.

The clocks went back last night and I awoke feeling very heavy. Forced myself to go for a run as it is Sunday morning. Started the run with an African Male Voice Choir, one of Chris’s favourites, followed by an eclectic range of music. My MP3 player has been populated by Jimmy and always comes as a surprise.

The park was beautiful this morning, the autumn colours are coming into their own and the leaves have yet to be blown off the trees. Saw the Chosen Beech Tree from a couple of different angles which I liked and thought about how we scatter Chris’s ashes. I think it might be nice to involve the Officer, give her one last job.

Then I made juices with unlikely combinations of fruit and vegetables - think I'm going to be on my own with the juicer! Just thought Chris would have seriously hated the debris of the juicer.

Just woke Jim up and the mystery baker is Anne, Jack’s Mum. She should definitely enter the Lark Lane show next year – they need some new competition now that Chris will no longer be entering!

Now for breakfast - Thanks Anne.

Slept quite well – probably something to do with the San Miguel and the home made bread sandwich. I was dozing when the postman knocked at 8.00 with a recorded delivery letter – Chris’s will from the bank. I expected that. What I didn’t expect was a new cheque book in a separate envelope. Then I realised that it was for our joint account and I thought this cheque book just had my name on it. That made me cry.

There was also a letter, a card and a poem in the post, which were all lovely – and Jimmy’s first University prospectus – coincidentally from the same university as the writer of the card!

Then I made myself grapefruit and apple juice and shredded the cover letter from the bank!

Today the Jenkins family is going to watch Northwich Victoria play Cambridge United in the FA Cup Qualifiers.

My Mum and Dad married in November 1946 after my Dad was demobbed having spent a year in Abyssinia (Ethiopia). He got a job at ICI in Northwich and I was born in Comberbach the third of four sister. I arrived before the midwife on a foggy January night, a very special story of my Dads.

So I have always had a soft spot for Northwich, Comberbach and Marbury Park. I buy free range eggs from Anderton in Asda!

Last Easter we were on a canal boat starting from Anderton and we went past the new Northwich Victoria Stadium. Chris and I got talking and I said that now Jimmy’s getting older and has his own social life, maybe we should start doing somethings differently – for example going to more football matches. Big stadiums are not easy to negotiate if you have limited mobility but Chris has always liked going to watch matches at smaller clubs.

Last season the Vics did well and got promoted to the Conference. A few weeks ago we were looking at the fixture list and thought the FA Qualifier against Cambridge would be a good match to go to.

So today I will do something I have never done before which is to go to a football match with my three sons. I hope the Vics win!

This is us last Easter going through Marbury Park, very close to the Northwich Victoria ground.

Tonight another Friday night first – though reminiscent of other Saturday nights – jugs of San Miguel with Gilly in Estabans on the Lane – come home to an empty house – but what do I find – a bowl of cyclamen and a beautiful (potentially prize winning?) loaf of bread – thank you.

Jim and I have been shopping – we bought a weeks shopping, an electric juicer, a shredder and two knobs like footballs for the downstairs toilet roll holder. So this afternoon we have been shredding and juicing which was fun. We both agree that the knobs are not really the classiest addition to the house!

sorting stuff

Got a lovely card from the Netherlands today as well as caring emails from Croatia and Stacksteads. Knowing that people are thinking about me is just fantastic.

After the pub lunch with Jim yesterday, I got down to sorting out money stuff and felt a lot better when I had made some decisions and found the bits of paper.

The stuff sorting has to take place at times when I have the energy.

Yesterday Rob, Jimmy and I did the food cupboards and this morning I did the flour and bread making stuff. That is one thing I am really missing – homemade bread. Chris would make a couple of loaves a week, as well as pizza bases and home made pasta. I think I need to start making bread.

Chris would have agreed with one of today’s emails – he would not want to have left pain behind him – he would want us to continue our lives knowing joy and pleasure.

This morning I was in IPWD and went to the place where Chris used to go – confirmed by Keith via Gilly. I sat on the bench and texted Rob and Alex. Behind the seat is a beautiful Beech tree – with golden leaves - and I have decided that this is where we will scatter Chris’s ashes.

Been to the doctor and it’s official I have ‘Insomnia and Anxiety, post bereavement.’ Sounds about right. He has signed me off until the 22nd of November and was very keen to give me a book on coping with bereavement. I took it, though I told him I think I am actually coping quite well – he said just in case!

Last night Margaret came round and we had a lovely night. Had our tea around the table (result) – a new trio of diners – and then talked – thanks Margaret.

Today I finished reading White Buffalo, I liked his style and thought it was well intended, so I have one book under my belt.

Deirdre phoned which reminded me that I should have been in London today - at the Uniaid Launch – I know I’m going back to work in a few weeks - but at the moment it still seems a world away!

I then started sorting out the probate business but quickly got fed up with that, so took Jim for a pub lunch.

I asked Margaret if she thought the blogg was getting soppy – and she sensibly replied “People don’t have to read it!”

Had a very poor night’s sleep as I got into a total four week loop. This was a first as it was ‘A four weeks from now loop’ i.e. the future not the past.

I have decided that subject to certain conditions I intend to go back to work four weeks today – Wednesday the 22nd of November.

My panic yesterday, on leaving Liverpool on the drive to Mold, shocked me. It also made me understand that I have to be able to do various things before I can go back to work operating at 100%. The advice I am getting is, that to go back before this is asking for trouble and as I have said to several people recently, “I really can’t be arsed having a nervous breakdown.”

So this was what I thought about in the night.

There are certain things I plan to do over the next four weeks. These include my parents 60th, a trip away with Gilly for a few days and sorting out the probate stuff.

I also set myself certain conditions for returning to work these include:

Reading several books cover to cover,
Being able to watch/listen to the news,
Buying a newspaper and reading more than the sudoku,
Sleeping better,
Going to the supermarket and doing a proper weekly shop.

So a bad night but a good one. Lots of decisions made and things thought through.

The walk was a good idea though I found driving out of Liverpool really quite scary. It was the farthest I’d been away from the safety of the house.

Moel Famau was a good idea. Safe and full of memories. The weather was predicted to be wet but it was a beautiful sunny afternoon with views of Snowdonia on one side and the Wirral and beyond Liverpool on the other.

Kipper had a great time.














These are the first photographs I have taken for six weeks - since I was in New York – I can’t believe that’s only 6 weeks ago.

Officially four weeks now

Looking forward to when 6-7 on a Tuesday morning is just a time that you sleep through.

Thought this morning about Hef. He must have only been 16/17 when we first met him, an apprentice fitter down the pit, playing borrowed drums with Strad in Shotton. Living with us when he was a student and then the Rabs playing in our front room every Wednesday for years.

I remembered three years ago, sitting on Peri’s sofa whilst she told Aziz and Jamal that their father was dead. He was ten years younger than Chris and died at the age of 42 after playing a gig in Wrexham.

I didn’t go to the funeral as I was going to Slovenia and I remembered sitting in Ljubljana Cathedral and sobbing my heart out - then laughing with Hef at the statues of the Holy Roman Empire Bishops.

Since then Peri, Aziz and Jamal have become a bigger part of our lives. The boys stay with us frequently and today I look forward to walking up Moel Famau with them with Rob, Jimmy and Kipper and then to Peri’s for tea.

Picture of Hef and Chris playing in backroom circa 1979.



Looked at yesterdays blogg and thought how pompous I sounded. I will ask Alex for a reality check and stop this if I am making a fool of myself.

One of the mails I got this weekend has reminded me of something that I have told a few people since Chris died.

When you travel with a man who can’t walk you have to do things differently and one of the things we used to have to do - was to have little choice about which restaurant we went to – we had no option we had to go to the nearest one.

A lot of people go on holiday and walk round and round a place trying to decide which restaurant to go to and sometimes this can lead to arguments. Chris and I never had the choice so we would be happily enjoying our wine and meal when others would still be trying to decide which place to go to. Sometimes knowing you have no choice means that you can just get on and enjoy things.

I have no choice now – Chris is dead and I have to just get on and enjoy things without him.

Jimmy and I were invited to a neighbours house for dinner last night. It was one of my favourite combos old friends/young people/good conversation/food/wine.

I was awarded 10/10 for ‘Parent saying something embarrassing.’ (Add bereaved talking to bereaved shopping and cooking!) But we laughed and talked and it was a very enjoyable evening. Just what I needed because I was feeling sad yesterday.

Sunset at Mirca, Brac, Croatia

Chris's last year

I have spent this afternoon looking at photographs of Chris’s last year and it was a good year.

Last November we went to Riga in Latvia and were there for their first National Day as a country within the European Union. I love small countries and it was special to be there at that time.

New Year we spent in Pollensa, Mallorca with Alan and Moira. Chris has known Alan since he was a school boy. We saw in the New Year as the only Brits in a very Spanish restaurant which was great fun.

In February half term we went to Granada with Jim and Les, spending half the week in the Plaza de Bib-Rambla and the other half in a wonderful Posada up a mountain surrounded by olive trees.


At Easter we went on the Trent and Mersey and Shropshire Union canals with Alex, Jim, Aziz and Jamal.

This year we also had a very European Eurovision with Gilly, Sophie and us - joined by Renata, Stein and Ingvild.

In July we went to Leeds with Nan and Pop for Alex’s graduation - MPhys First Class! (I am his mother)


Then this summer Chris and I spent a lovely week in Italy and Slovenia before joining Paul, Sue and the Independent Travelling Boys on Brac for a fortnight. Returning via Slovenia and Pisa with Paul and Sue.

In between this Chris worked for the OCN mainly visiting community based organisations. He divided the rest of his time between looking after Jimmy and me, cooking, reading the Guardian, listening to Radio 4, watching the birds in the garden, proof reading the latest Professor Fluffy tome and at weekends we would have people round to either sit round the table or the garden - eating, drinking arguing and having fun!

So Chris's last year was a good year - the only regret I know he had was that we didn't get to Lugo. He was really looking forward to that.

Went for a run with Kipper, Sam Cooke and the Specials and although the morning was beautiful I felt sad.

On Friday night a couple of people said they missed me and in some ways I’m missing myself at the moment. I will write soon about Chris’s last year as I know it was the best year ever for him. He was genuinely happy and content over the last year.

Now I will go and cook pancakes for boys which always makes me happy.

Conkers – a great success – the dog is happy and there isn’t a knuckle not bruised – except mine.

Cooking – elementary mistakes – the baking tray (my choice) was too small for Jamal's chocolate brownies and they did a great impression of a volcano - very messy - but very tasty!

Bamzooki – a real result – Aziz’s creation 'Butter Freak' has been accepted onto the CBBC site.

Cards – we will do after tea.

Today I’ve been in the ‘ Four weeks ago today’ loop. It seems like yesterday but it also seems a long time ago.

That Saturday I had taken Aziz, Jamal and Jimmy over to my sister Ann’s where we had had lunch with my parents, Jenny, Bryony and a couple of her friends. Then my boys, sisters and I went for a 5/6 mile walk.

When we got home Chris had made the best ever Ciabatta loaf which we ate with soup and cheese over a long and animated discussion about evolution and pre-Cambrian Fossils. Aziz, Jamal and I had to go to the World Museum the next day to sort out a couple of Chris’s references. The answer was the Burgess Shale in Canada.

To do this well - and I want to do this well - I now have to work out how we do things differently. I am beginning to recognise that I have still got bereavementitis – symptoms include an inability to function properly e.g. bereaved shopping and bereaved cooking.

But I have also begun the process of doing things differently – all the first etc – and the boys and myself have taken and accepted different roles.

Time for tea – still not got back round the table yet.

The madness of the Amazon shopping spree continue when two identical children’s books arrived today – separately - Kootenai Indian stories - so there was at least some kind of logic to my purchases!

Saturday morning breakfast – we did the Guardian quiz – badly but laughed a lot.

Aziz and Jamal are coming round this afternoon and will stay over. I’m looking forward to an afternoon of conkers, Bamzooki, cooking and cards.

Well – have now done a Friday at 5 session – which was good – thanks – Paul, Tony, Brian, Emy and Mary. Also saw people from my other life – working life – I know it’s there and also know that when I’m ready I will go back there.

Tonight’s conversation was good though – talking about anything other than work was a rich vein!

Struggled to get out of bed this morning but had to when the postman rang the bell. Strangely enough it was a second copy of the book ‘White Buffalo’ by Peter Skinner. The first copy having arrived last week from Amazon.

‘Bereaved Shopping’ is a TV Contestant Show just waiting to happen!

Jim the Executor came round and we made ‘ Important phone calls to the Bank’ and looked at Probate forms downloadable from the web.

This exhausted us all so I went IPWD with Rob and Alex. Gave Jim the Ex the second copy of White Buffalo and he in return told me a funny story about Les having her handbag searched at the airport and them finding 8 cigarette lighters!

Then Rob and I took Chris’s clothes to a Charity Shop – we chose one away from my normal shopping route.

Today would have been Chris’s 56th Birthday. It is also my niece Becki’s 18th - lots of 19th Birthdays in this family.

The boys have been very protective – extremely funny – and exceptionally rude in their humour. Tonight, we had crazy stir fries and cherry cake with Bryony on the phone.

My sons are magnificent. They are obviously going through their own grief but their attention to mine is extra-ordinary. I feel very privileged that the last couple of weeks have given me a greater insight into their world.

This summer on Brac - Sue said; “Jimmy’s so funny but imagine how funny he would be without the grown ups around!” I feel that I have become an honorary young man over the last couple of weeks and Bryony, Gilly and I have been treated to young male humour at it’s scatological and tasteless best!

Chris wasn’t here for his Birthday but we did him proud.

Being on my own

Last night I thought about being on my own – I’ve never been on my own before.

I lived at home, shared a flat with a friend and then moved in with Chris when I was 19. He never worked away, or was in hospital so apart from a couple of times when he was playing in the band or at a conference, which over the years was probably less than 10 nights, I’ve never been at home on my own. I was also never on my own because I had at least one boy and a dog in the house!.

During the night I thought about travelling. Since 1998 I have travelled quite a lot on my own, across America and Europe. I thought about this and remembered that travelling on my own is something I like doing.

So I have decided that I must look at living on my own to be like travelling on my own. The difference will be that I wont get texts saying ‘IPWD – lovely sunny day – CU later xx’. And Chris wont be here when I get home. That’s what I’ve got to get used to.

I have googled for images of Klimt’s ‘ Tod und Leben’ and what is interesting (bingo!) is that most of the images are just of ‘Life’ and ‘Death’ has been cut out. I think we need to live our lives with the knowledge that we share it with death. Though I don't think I'll go so far as to have it tatooed on my back like one of the images!

So this is how I will live on my own.

Gustaf Klimt 'Tod und Leben' significantly painted in 1916




The Flags of the World is the same shape and size but not the same mug. But it’s a good mug and I am enjoying drinking my tea from it.

We didn’t watch more than 1/3 o the Di Vinci Code but we had a good night. Chris had chosen quite a small inner circle for the last few years and Gilly, Paul and Sue are three of those. Quality was important!

I have been shopping with Rob and bought a mug identical in size and shape to the Klimt mug - I chose one with flags of the world.

I have also decided to go onto Ebay and get a print of the 'Tod und Leben' picture and put it in my front room.

Sorted out the vases again - I have just a very few flowers remaining from the first week though I have some from later, including the bunch from Jersey – my favourites. I have put the ones from Motability in my bedroom.

Apart from that I have done nothing and feel quite exhausted again. Gilly's coming round tonight for the Di Vinci code/lamb chop combo.

The door bell rang and it was a beautiful bunch of flowers. An apology from Motability!

Woke up feeling pathetic and fed up with myself for feeling pathetic. Alex phoned and said that he would have thought his parents 30+ years marriage had been a sham had I not been feeling a bit pathetic at this time!

Yesterday I also broke my favourite Klimt mug – which was a shame as it was bigger than an average mug and a lovely shape.

So I went for a run in the company of Lou Reed, Bob Marley and Portuguese woman singing Fado which was good. When I got back the postman was delivering the third book. It’s called ‘Scottish Highlanders, Indian Peoples – Thirty generations of a Montana Family.’ Written by James Hunter who also wrote the other book. This made sense.

I had been reading a lot of books about American Indians recently, sharing ‘Captured by the Indians: 15 Firsthand Accounts, 1750–1870’ with Paul on our holiday this year.

I was reading ‘Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee’ when Chris died.

A few days before he died I had bought a book on Ebay ‘My Heart Soars’ by Chief Dan George. It arrived on the Monday but I was IPWD so the postman left a note. Rob picked it up on the Wednesday. It gave me a lot of comfort in those early days and I quoted from it in the Order of Service and here on the blogg.

At this time I also had some emails from Rene in Montana and in one she wrote;
“We are building a new sweat lodge this Saturday. I will take in offerings (ribbon, tobacco and cloth) and ask for prayers for you and your family and for your husband on that side.”

I thought this was amazing, to have a friend who is American Indian, and for her to do this for us. Now how lucky am I?

I think that’s why I am feeling pathetic because on the scale of things I am so fortunate and I do need to recognise this. I think of other people I know who have had a sudden death, their son, the father of their small children, death in an accident and I know that the timing and manner of Chris’s death was OK.

I think I will go shopping and then start reading these books

The macaroni cheese was really good and Jim and I polished off the lot. Comfort food and a bit of sleep - feeling much better now.

The weather today has been miserable – which has suited my mood perfectly.

Yesterday I didn’t eat very much - so today I made myself eat and then read a couple of pages of Scottish Highlanders and slept most of the afternoon – which was probably a good thing to do.

I’m not the only one who has had a miserable day – the Customer Care team at Motability also had a bad day after responding inappropriately to a letter I’d sent.

This morning I scanned all the correspondence and emailed them to the Motability Press Office. I asked whether they thought I should send them to my contacts in the press, their Chair and list of Patrons. I then signed it Tricia Jenkins MBE – which was a bit below the belt - but their Chief patron is the Queen!

A delightful young woman phoned me and I was nice to her and they will be reviewing their practice.

Which is a good thing as Motability are great – Chris has had a Motability car from when the scheme was introduced and it they are a real life line for people with limited mobility.

6.30 on Tuesday mornings is a particularly slow piece of time. I tried to drown this one in Jasmine but it didn’t work. When I did go to sleep the alarm woke me up in the middle of a pension filled dream - in a campsite!

There are two ways of doing things at the moment - the way Chris would have liked and the way he wouldn’t.

I am purposefully doing lots of things they way he wouldn’t have liked. He would have hated our bedroom filled with perfumed oils and I think we will have macaroni cheese for tea tonight - again.

These are the little things.

The big things I think I will do the way Chris would have liked. Holidays, Jimmy at university and my retirement. We will just have to enjoy them without him – he would have liked that.

I am struggling with ‘It’s only three weeks’ and ‘ It’s now three weeks.’ For example the earlier postings of this blogg are now archived, yet it’s only three weeks ago tonight that we sat the long vigil by Chris’s bed in the Royal.

Memories which I want to remember and yet also to forget. I suppose archiving them is a good idea.

I am torn between wanting it to be over three weeks and away from that awful time and yet not feeling ready to move on. I think this week I need to take my time.

Today I also started to sort out money stuff.

Chris’s ‘Estate’ is our shared planning over thirty years together. Some off it ad hoc, some of it idiosyncratic and some of it very sensible but together making up our shared plans for the future - holidays, Jimmy at University, a shared retirement. I also paid the Undertakers bill today and that’s a pretty shit thing to do for your husband.

Today I’ve done well – second time at aqua aerobics, first time on my own at Asda – sorting out money – I’ve done well. I think I will just have to ring up Gilly and say “No pressure – just make me laugh!”

The fourth week starts

The early morning sleeplessness left me waking abruptly to make Jim a cup of tea c/o the new radio/CD/alarm. I was going to write about seconds being as bad as first but then I read last Monday on the blogg and I can see the distance I have travelled.

I also received an email from my nephew Max, which was lovely. So I will write what I thought about during the night.

I decided that I have no regrets.

We were always a family that embraced technology (Max) – having had a Teasmade in this house, for as long as I can remember! Chris would wake me up with a cup of tea and I would then take the dog for a walk in the park.

I always have my best ideas IPWD and a few days before Chris died I remember coming home and saying to him; “Do you know what the best bit of my day is?”
He said he didn’t, so I told him; “Waking up in bed next to you.”
He said “Really?” and I said “Yes.”

Now I wake up on my own in bed and it’s hard. But what I was thinking last night was - how much harder would it be if I had regrets and thought I wish I'd done this or I wish I’d said that. That would be unbearable.

The walk on the beach was lovely. I thought the Gormley statues were really funny. Kipper got covered in Mersey mud and I had to hose him down when we came home. So much for the valetted car!

The boys and I spend the afternoon playing bridge around the table. This was a very good thing to do as we laughed a lot. After our meal last Saturday we have not been able to sit around the table again.

The ‘chunks’ are now three week. This time three weeks ago etc etc but from tomorrow we will be in the 4 week chunk and then we are talking a month – which is a long time.

The early hours CD/candle /sandalwood combo got me past 9 o’clock so I decided not to go for a run this Sunday. I am also going to Crosby beach later to see the Gormley statues with Margaret. Gilly and I had overshot a month ago and had a lovely walk on Formby beach/ dunes instead.

I was thinking in the night about the inter-connectivity in my life. Jack’s Mum, Anne brought a home-made sponge cake around on Friday and I was so pleased that it gave me an opportunity to tell her about the beautiful letter Jack had written to us the previous week. Anne and I go back a long time as she was the project worker for the Merseyside Association of Writers Workshops when I first worked for the University over 20 years ago. Jack had enclosed a photograph of when he had come on holiday with us in 2001. We are in Vienna on a horse drawn carriage doing the Easyjet/train/Croatia combo.

Our first holiday backpacking on trains was in 2000. We had decided to go to Croatia; Chris, Alex, Jim and I. When I was doing my research in ‘99 I found this webcam, It is of the Faculty of Informatics, University of Zagreb:

http://www.foi.hr/FOI_Korzo.html

I watched this webcam for a year – saw the seasons change, watched the Millennium come in. I decided I wanted to visit Varazdin.

This photo is of me in Varazdin on the Jack holiday 2001. The webcam/photo is one up from the postcard/photo!


This is also the view from Renata’s office window. This weekend Renata is working on a Tempus Individual mobility grant application for her to come to Liverpool for a month.

I met Renata in 2004 at a University of Staffordshire Conference and thanks to Mee Foong again at Graz in 2005. Since then several times both professionally and on holiday. I sent a photo to Renata last week, of this summer when we are on the island of Tribunj. We had just eaten an amazing lunch of prawns and fish cooked by her friend. Renata is roaring with laughter at something Chris had said.

The inter-connectivity continues as the photograph of Vienna reminds me of Brenda, Dan and I going to the wonderful Leopold Museum. I particularly liked the Gustav Klimt picture Tod und Leben (Death and Life). I am sitting here with a cup of tea in my favourite mug which has this picture on it. I bought it in Ljubljana with my friend Franja.

The Saturday after Chris died the quiz wasn’t in the Guardian and the Cricket Club was closed for the first time ever on a Saturday lunchtime. I took it very personally.

It turned out the Guardian quiz guy was on holiday for 2 weeks – we wont talk about the Cricket Club. Alex came home at lunchtime today and we did the Guardian quiz – I thought we did OK.

Stella came round and we sat in the garden and the boys went to play snooker at Aigburth People’s Hall. Both things were good.

Jim and I went to Tescos and I met two people who know me but clearly don’t know about Chris. As I venture further from my safety I will have to work out how to do this. The boys are ahead of me here.

My sister Jenny says I am very vulnerable at the moment, she also said that I can appreciate things that get lost in the day to day busyness of life. I agree with her.

It reminds me of when Jim was born – I wanted to hold on to every day and to really appreciate it – it’s different but I know I have to be make the most of this time to heal myself before I go out too far.

The weekend

Jimmy and I have decided to be pathetic today. I couldn’t get out of bed and he has a dead leg from playing football. So we rang up Rob and he has arrived with bread and the papers and has now taken the dog out.

Didn’t sleep well last night but found an interesting fact about my new radio/CD - the clock display is so large that it reflects off the ceiling. I was well impressed.

Read a chapter of a book in bed which was a good first. Not the Scottish Highlanders – though I did dip into that yesterday - it seems to be written by a rather bitter man who hates people from Northumberland. I look forward to reading more.

I know some of you have tried to post comments to the blogg but not been able too – if you go on my profile my email address is there. I love getting emails!

Firsts are hard – tonight’s first - a sort of normal Friday was hard – it was a very weird Friday night though many of the elements could of made up a normal Friday night. BUT we are now the other side of a Friday. So that’s good – thanks Gilly.

Valetting the car was just too difficult probably not helped by having the dog with us. So we gave up and went IPWD (In Park With Dog). We had a good laugh over the hardback, second-hand copy of the Scottish Highlanders – I’m looking forward to reading it – seems to have a lot of pictures of crofts and crofters!

Rob is now hoovering out the car and I am in a bit of a ‘this time last week’ loop, but Gilly and I are going to the pub later aiming for the talking/laughing/crying/curry combo.

I do feel I’m a very lucky person - I am sad that Chris has gone but I have had such a lovely life with him - I can’t not but know how lucky I am.

I’m obviously going through a ‘Blessing counting’ phase of bereavement, probably something to do with my visitors this morning and memories of last Friday.

I had a visit this morning by some of the WP Team. It was lovely to see them. I am beginning to recognise that the world does go on. Don’t feel ready yet to get too involved but I can see a time when I will be able to. Which is good.

The postman came with the book I ordered from Amazon, which strangely enough was a hardback secondhand book about Scottish Highlanders. This came as a real surprise - I order another one at the same time so I await with anticipation to see what else turns up!

Rob’s been round and we sorted some clothes. He’s now clearing out the car and we will take it to be valetted. He met Stella in the pub last night and she said; “It doesn’t get any harder.” Which is good.

Jimmy’s friend Richard came round last night and got the microphone working on the computer so I spoke to Renata in Varazdin this morning. Dejan is an Astrophysicist!

My life at the moment is full of firsts and like the first time you do anything each has their own uniqueness. I haven’t yet found any of them unconquerable but I suppose that is what I’m doing now, pacing myself and only tackling the things that I think I can manage. Firsts and lasts are also inextricably inter-twined as the first time you do anything is also the last time you wont have done it.

Kipper had a first and last today – it was the first time he rode in the little car and the last. I drove over and dropped it off outside Gilly’s, as a surprise. Then I walked back with the dog through Sefton Park. The storms of yesterday had left it looking good in the morning sunshine. I also saw a yellow wagtail, a bird I don’t remember ever having seen in the park before.

It was the first time Cathy had been round since Chris died and we had a very special cup of coffee together. It was also the first time I had been to water aerobics through the thoughtfulness of a neighbour. As I swam in the pool I remembered the last time, which was with Sue around the bay in Mirca. That was a lovely memory.

Even though I slept last night I am tired, Rob and I just yawned all afternoon but that is probably just our bodies catching up with ourselves.

I sold the little car to Gilly last night and the buyer and seller were both very pleased with the deal. We then sat in the garden and drank wine and did the talk/laugh/cry combo for a very peaceful couple of hours.

New radio clock is great – the numbers are enormous. I tried to tune it into Radio 4 this morning and couldn’t but with Jimmy’s help finally managed it.

Chris used to listen to the radio all the time, Radio 4 during the day and the World Service during the night. Some nights he would get very little sleep with the nagging, wearisome pain. He would sometimes be grumpy in the mornings but he never complained, it was part of his life. Both things pain and Radio 4/the World Service.

The time before the funeral I didn’t listening to the radio but as I lay in bed early last Tuesday I decided to switch on Chris’s radio – it was Bob Dylan singing “Knock, knock knocking on Heaven’s door’. I thought this can’t be Radio 4 but then I heard John Humphrey’s voice – the piece was about the most popular pieces of music to be played at funerals.

Our task for last Tuesday was to choose the music for Chris’s funeral.

So today Jim and I have just been and bought a little CD/radio for next to my bed. I chose the one that had the largest clock display so I will be also able to tell the time!

Today is the day that I get the hand controls taken out of both cars. I have just taken the big one round to Double S Motors. They were lovely with me and just took the keys off me without expecting me to speak - thanks Gilly.

I then took the dog to Sefton Park and walked round the back of the cricket pitch. It reminded me of last Friday and how Aziz and Jamal got a football and started playing on the pitch. Within minutes it was full of a gang of young men and boys all playing the universal game of park football.

This then led to my recalling how Jeanette and I had played for the Vandyke Dolly Birds. It was the summer of 1974. I was working in Derwent House Remand Home and a girl who had absconded was playing for the opposite team!




I then walked through an avenue of beech trees and listened to the rain and thought about Jan who died in 1995.

I then thought about how I love this blogg knowing that some of you will share some of these memories and are even in the photo!

Time now to take the little car to the garage. Chris only had the hand controls fitted whilst I was in New York last month. It will be funny to drive a car without them.

Another early start – this time to comfort a completely terrified dog through this thunder storm – he’s sitting next to me now shaking uncontrollably. He’s trying to crawl under the desk and the last time he did this, with Chris, he chewed through the mains cable to the computer! I’m typing with one hand and holding Kipper with the other.

I have just read two wonderful emails – it is so lovely to find them waiting for me. They will get me through another day. Thank you.

The third postman brought a card from a woman who understands and she wrote:

Grieve at your own Pace
Heal in your own Time

This is a good one for today as I keep feeling that I should be alright, back to normal and I’m not. The boys aren’t and some of you aren’t either.

We should all:

Grieve at our own Pace
Heal in our own Time

Later when the doorbell rang and it was the postman, it still wasn’t the books from Amazon but flowers from Jersey. From my Mum and Dad. They are on holiday there at the moment.

My Dad is 89 and my Mum is 86 and they will have been married 60 years on the 2nd of November 2006. They met in Germany at the end of the second world war.

I love this photo is of my parents walking together in the spring of this year.

Two weeks ago today

Today started weirdly. I had gone to bed last night very tired but awoke in the early hours and struggled to get back to sleep. When I did get back to sleep I was woken up at 8.30 by the door bell. Jumping out of bed I looked out of the window and saw the postman. As I’m waiting from a book from Amazon I shot downstairs but when I opened the front door he had gone.

I stood on the path shouting ‘Hello’ because I knew he couldn’t be far away. I looked at my watch and realised that I was standing in the garden in my pyjamas shouting ‘Hello’ at shadows and it was 6.30. This was the time Chris stopped breathing two weeks ago today.

Chris had many good friends as last Friday showed. However one man Chris was particularly fond of was Paul. We had all been on holiday together this summer sharing a house with the ‘Independent travelling boys’ on the island of Brac. Chris and Paul had a beautiful easiness with each other and they could sit and discuss the finer details of a Swiss army pen knife for many a happy hour or three!

This is Paul with his particularly fine binoculars looking over the coast beyond Split.

Monday morning

Not unchanged but still strong - will be the motto of today and maybe for the rest of my life!

I love this blogg as it gives me a way to order my thoughts and I also know that it is appreciated by the readers.

I am alone in the house today and thought I would be lonely but then technology and the post office remind me that I’m not!

This is hard.

I have been for a run in Sefton Park this morning – which was really good. There was a 5k run on so I didn’t go my normal route which was also good. Alex has gone back to Leeds today and Rob will be going home this evening. We are starting the process of re-entering the real world.

Sitting around the table and eating, talking, laughing, drinking, arguing and enjoying ourselves has always been at the very heart of this family and house. Sitting around our table is also a shared memory that so many people have.

Yesterday the Jenkins’s and Gilly forced ourselves to sit around the table for the first time since Chris died. It was very hard but we did it. We ate Spaghetti Bolognese. It was Alex’s birthday and it was also the start of our new lives without Chris.

Chris’s legacy includes the strength of this family. That meal wasn’t a lot of fun but we all know that future ones will be happier.

The next day

Well that was yesterday and today is today.

The service was beautiful and I think people were surprised by how much my boys and I laughed. We ended up with a house full of dear friends including lots of young men and drank far too much and continued laughing until way into the early hours. Chris would have approved.

Chris's memorial service

Entrance Music: Begala e Vena by the Bulgarian Women’s Choir


We meet here today to honour and say farewell to Chris Jenkins who died suddenly last week at the age of just 55. My Name is Bill Dawson and as a member of the British Humanist Association I have been asked to lead this ceremony for Chris. This will not be a religious ceremony as that would not be in accord with Chris’s own views on life. There will be time in the ceremony to have your own moment of personal reflection; those with a religious belief can use this time for silent prayer if you so wish.

Death takes from us the people we have relied on, the people who are important to us and the people who we love. But what death cannot take from us is the time we have had. Your relationship with Chris will never be lost. To compensate for the grief of losing Chris, you have had the privilege of knowing him. Chris did not live on this planet as a shadow but as a man that touched you and his touch left an impression, a tangible impression that will be with you all for the rest of your lives. And so Chris will live on through you. The ripples of his life will continue to touch, in known and unknown ways, those of us here and those who have yet to be born. I did not have the pleasure of meeting Chris but having heard about him from his wife and sons that is definitely my loss. Let us now remember and celebrate Chris’s life.

Chris was born on the 19th of October 1950 in Newcastle. Both his parents were teachers and his mother was 47 when she became pregnant. They were busy people and after only three months at home with Chris his mother returned to work.

From the age of three months Chris had two childhoods one with his childminder Aunty Calendar – this was the warm and cuddly one. The other was with his parents – this the more formal one in Jarrow during the week and weekends walking in Northumbria. Chris always felt an affinity for Northumberland.

Chris was a bright child and gained a place at the Newcastle Grammar School. He also had a gift for music and attended a music school on Saturdays. It was one of these Saturdays, when Chris was 13 1/2, he was late and the train was just pulling away from the platform. The guard told him to jump on board. Chris did but he fell and slipped under the train.

Chris woke up in Newcastle General a double amputee. He was not expected to live. They didn’t know Chris! 6 months after the accident Chris was walking on prosthetic pylons. This was a hard and painful process. His parents were not the sort of people who thought molly coddling was a good idea and so would force him to persevere. Yes this was a harsh approach but it made Chris the man he was.

Chris returned to school. It was during his A levels that Chris’s father died. Chris and his father were not close when he died and Chris always regretted that he had not been closer to his father. He was determined that if he were ever a father he would be a good and loving one.

On leaving school Chris went down to Nottingham to undertake a degree in Agriculture. He enjoyed the social side of things here, releasing pigs in the girl’s dorm and the like, but agriculture was not really for him. He looked around for another degree and plumped for Psychology at the University of Liverpool. That was 35 years ago last week. It was here he met Trish and Trish will share some memories of Chris with us a bit later.

In 1974, Chris gained his degree and decided that Edinburgh was the place to go mainly because he wanted to play in a band there. Trish got a teaching job and Chris ended up working in various welfare rights projects, work he really enjoyed.

With his son Robert’s arrival in 1977 Chris and Trisha’s little house got smaller. They returned to Liverpool and were soon ensconced in Cheltenham Avenue. Chris got work for Halewood Community Council. He then moved to Liverpool Community College to teach Welfare Rights, Law and Psychology. The job kept him busy but he still had time to obtain a Masters in Education.

Chris’s son Alex was born in 1983 and Jimmy in 1990 – but more of fatherhood later. Chris’s job became more mundane, focussing just on psychology – Chris was someone who needed variety. He couldn’t go up the greasy pole of management either, as that was never his way. Nor was pandering to the whims of Little Hitlers as he would call them.

Throughout his time at college Chris had had a massive impact on many young peoples lives by being a gifted teacher with a perfectionists touch. Chris began to tire wearing his heavy legs week in week out and five years ago he took voluntary redundancy.

And these five years have been happy times for Chris.

So how did he fill his days?

For a start Chris registered to do his Skippers License – he reckoned it was his proudest achievement when he received it. He knew everything anyone needed to know about flags, clouds and knots. He got it because he wanted the basic skills needed to pilot a powerboat whilst on holiday but ended up with a qualification that would enable him to captain a trawler!

Chris also did some part time teaching and for the last three years he worked as a moderator for the Open College Network. He said it was money for old rope. A hundred days a year, time to fit, perfect.

Chris now got into cooking. He was a happy man planning his weekly menu. Occasionally he would have a week of menus using food none of the family had eaten before!

Now onto Chris’s family life; Let us start with one of the disappointments Chris had being a parent – he couldn’t hold his sons but could not carry them in his arms. It didn’t stop him doing his share of parental duties though. He would do it in his unique way, for instance; One of his son’s would be in the pram whilst Chris would lasso it back and forth. He particularly enjoyed having sons. Chris would often read to them Captain Pugwash and Roahld Dahl being two favourites, which he delivered, complete with voices.

His lads also fondly remember listening to him playing on bass, violin or sax with Strad and Hef, the Rabid Cats in the front room every Wednesday evening.

Chris and his family also travelled a lot Chris would be dropped off in a bar the kids on the beach then they’d meet up again and it was usually Chris who had had the more interesting time with the locals. One of the most memorable holidays was when they drove down to Spain in their new Nissan Prairie. The Spanish children had never seen anything like it and called it El Coche Futeristico – futuristic car. They stayed in a house above a pig sty – as you do. The boys were 1,6 and 13. Whilst Jimmy toddled, Alex ran through the fields and Robert was chased by the girls. Chris would often be in the bar just around the corner. One night Trish went looking for Chris only to discover him comparing scars with the bull gored locals – Chris’s were obviously the most impressive.

Chris was also a devoted son to his mother. She too had moved to Liverpool and he would visit her every week until her death at the age of 96. Chris’s death was more sudden last week through a brain haemorrhage.

But let us not dwell on his death but rather remember the vibrant Chris; The man who had an eclectic taste and passion for music. He would often make compilations for friends first on tape and more recently on CD. It could be anything from Mongolian throat music to elephant orchestras from rockabilly to Kitsch Eurovision.

Remember Chris the cook. His kitchen table was the heart of the house he would cook for friends and colleagues of Trish. His Ciabatta bread the other Saturday was magnificent I’ve been told, that and the discussion on Pre-Cambrian fossils. As you all know Chris had an immense general knowledge. Once a fact went into his brain it stayed there. He was a Quizmeister and the Guardian Saturday Quiz became a Jenkins family tradition. Chris would infuriate the rest by preceding the question with “I know the answer”

Remember Chris the compassionate man who when his friend Hef died he took a keen interest in Hef’s sons, Aziz and Jamal. Chris the man with a dry sense of humour. The man who would shout at the radio at hypocrites on the news. He had a strong dislike of the pompous and abusers of power.

Remember Chris a man liked by women because they felt safe in his company, he listened and was supportive. He loved his coffee beans but always had the instant in, as that’s what Cath the cleaner preferred. Trish will now share some memories of Chris with us.

I know this is going to be a very hard thing for me to do… and I know I will cry and I expect you all to do the same… because as Chris would have said; “If we are going to do this … let’s do it properly.”

Thirty five years ago this week I started at university and as I registered for my courses in the Science Lecture Block of the University of Liverpool, I met Chris. I was 18 and he was 20. I was wearing a skirt made out of my mother’s front room curtains and had long hair down my back. He had wild hair and a beard and was wearing loons.

Within a year we were going out together, within two years we were living together and within three we were married.

Since then we have been together – Chris and Trish. Some of you knew just the Chris part and some of you knew just the Trish part - but actually you all knew ‘Chris and Trish’ because I wouldn’t be the Trish I am, without Chris and Chris would not have been the man he was, without me.

We grew up together.

Chris lived on borrowed time and more importantly, he knew he lived on borrowed time. To have been so close to death at the age of 13 gave him a love and appreciation of life.

There is an American Indian story about a young man who asks his Grandfather how he can live with the history of their people. The old man replied that within each of us are two wolves. One wolf is fierce and full of hatred, the other wolf is very gentle and full of love. Within each of us these two wolves fight constantly. The young man asked; “But which wolf wins?” and the old man replied; “Which ever one you feed.”

Chris could have been a bitter man, he could have resented the fact that he couldn’t walk without pain. He could have hated the reality that there were so many things that he wasn’t able to do. But he didn’t. He didn’t feed the wolf of hatred, he fed the wolf of love.

Though I must say he did throw a few titbits to the wolf of hate and these were mainly directed at politicians, various managers of Newcastle United and most recently the Committee of the Sefton Park Cricket Club about their winter opening hours.

His personal journey wasn’t easy and as a young man he did have anger. Chris only learnt to feed the wolf of love through self discipline and self control, and the older he got the easier this became. I was so fortunate to have been his partner through this learning journey and as he learnt, so did I.

Chris could appreciate little things,. He would spend a lot of time thinking about how he could show his love to us as a family. For example if I had been away and was returning home tired and travel weary - he would cook for me - ‘comfort food’ like Naverin of Lamb. He could spend hours scratching the dogs head, because he knew Kipper loved it. Chris lived his life with the knowledge that little things are so important.

Chris had particular contempt for those who abused power. He hated hypocrisy. He was a remarkably honest man and he was honest with himself as well as with us. He couldn’t lie and if you asked him a question you got a straight answer. He was also very funny, though he could never tell a joke.

I have discovered over the last two weeks just how important Chris was to so many people, and they remember him for the small things; the obscure fact, the witty email, the loaf of bread, the track of music. Little things that can easily be overlooked. But it is the little things we should cherish as these are the things we will remember and miss.

One of the things I will miss most is asking Chris questions. I would say; “Remind me what was going on in 13th Century in this bit of the world” and I would get a whole history of the time and place. He was remarkable.

Chris and I had a family together, our three beautiful sons Rob, Alex and Jimmy. They will now have to learn to live without him and I know this will not be easy for them.

I also know that their lives so far have been shaped by their father’s values. Chris’s integrity, honesty, knowledge and love has made them the young men that they are. He was immensely proud of them - as am I.

You are all here today to say: “Goodbye to Chris” and to support us as we say farewell. Chris was very matter a fact about death. He would not want us to indulge in grief. He would not have wanted to grow old and I am comforted by the fact that he died ‘As old as you could possibly be to die a young man.’

We all live on borrowed time - Chris knew he did and as a consequence he made the most of the time he had with us. He loved life.

Chris was my husband, the father of Rob, Alex and Jimmy, a good friend and colleague and a lovely man.

Good-bye my lovely Chris.


Chris Jenkins, a proud and loving father, a fantastic supportive husband a loving son. Chris a man genuinely interested in people a good man.

I shall pause now to give you time to reflect and remember your Chris. First we will listen to another piece of music then this will be followed by a short period of silence to remember Chris in your own way. Those with a religious belief can use this time for silent prayer if you so wish.

Music - The Lark Ascending by Vaughan Williams

We will now formally say goodbye to Chris’s body. Please stand if you feel able.

Today we have been remembering Chris Jenkins’ life, the love you all had for him and he had for you. He is now beyond harm, fear and pain.

Chris, we rejoice that you lived
We are glad that we saw your face
We took delight in your friendship
We treasure that we walked life with you
We cherish the memory of your words
Your achievements, your character, your qualities.
With love we leave you in peace
With respect we bid you farewell

Here in this last act, in sorrow but without fear, in love and appreciation, we commit the body of Chris Jenkins to its end. Please be seated

Chris was a realist he wouldn’t have wanted you to speak of him in whispers. He would want you to live life as fully as he did. And now just remember you never lose anything that is good. You can never lose the happiness or the memories you all have, because they are true. And that means the qualities that you loved in Chris will stay with you. Hold Chris in your thoughts. Talk about him often and enjoy those memories of him.

We have now come almost to the end of today’s ceremony here for Chris. His family wish to thank everyone for rallying around them at this time. Many of you will have had a pint with Chris at the Cricket Club it is most appropriate then that you are all welcome there to further reminisce about this special man

We will finish here with another piece of music please listen to as much of it as you wish.

MUSIC – Harry Lime Theme (The Third Man) by Anton Karas

The beauty of the trees,
the softness of the air,
the fragrance of the grass,
speaks to me.

The summit of the mountain,
the thunder of the sky,
the rhythm of the sea
speaks to me.

The faintness of the stars,
the freshness of the morning,
the dew drop on the flower,
speaks to me.

The strength of fire,
the taste of salmon,
the trail of the sun,
And the life that never goes away,
They speak to me.

And my heart soars.


Little things
are important,
because they are little
we see them
but not understand them.

Chief Dan George

Forget-me-nots from Slovenia

I have never had a blogg before or really looked at anyone else’s. But I am getting a lot of comfort in knowing that people who care about me can keep in touch with us this way. Tricia

Chris Jenkins International Bursaries

If people would like to donate to the Chris Jenkins International Bursaries please make the cheque payable to The University of Liverpool (Chris Jenkins) and thank you.

Preparing for tomorrow

I am glad we arranged for the funeral for Friday as it has given us time. For although each day has taken for ever to pass, the week has flown by.

We have worked together well, as this new family of four, supporting each other, recognising that a task that is very difficult for one of us can be done by another. We are now nearly ready for tomorrow.

I will be posting the words that will be spoken at Chris’s memorial service on this blogg a couple of hours before.

Today I have started scanning photographs and for a man who didn’t like having his photo taken I have a remarkable number of them!

The photo I have chosen for this blogg and the funeral is of Chris holding Robert outside our house in Wardie Square, Edinburgh. He is wearing a jumper knitted by his Mum.

Dress code:

Chris always hated wearing suits - he would have wanted anyone coming to his funeral to wear what they were comfortable in – so jeans and favourite T shirts are the order of the day!

We are doing OK – cocooned by the love and support of so many people – from around the world - thank you all so much. We have appreciated all the emails, letters, cards, flowers and cakes!

Chris knew the importance of little things and at this time we are very aware that it is the little things that can make us start to cry or equally make us laugh.

Chris's funeral will be held on Friday the 6th of October at 4.00pm at Springwood Crematorium Springwood Avenue Liverpool L25 7UN.

Afterwards everyone is welcome to join us at Sefton Park Cricket Club, Croxteth Drive, Sefton Park. http://www.seftonparkcc.co.uk/

No flowers please. A trust fund for international scholarships is being set up in Chris’s name. These will assist students who have overcome significant barriers in their lives, to travel aboard for the first time. More details will be posted on this page.

In UK please contact Debbie Trayer-Gregory
d.a.trayer-gregory@liverpool.ac.uk

IN USA please contact Brenda Dann-Messier
B.Dann-Messier@dorcasplace.org

Chris collapsed with a brain haemorrhage on Monday afternoon the 25th of September. He was sitting in the garden, on a beautiful sunny afternoon, reading the Guardian. He stopped breathing in hospital the next morning. We were all with him - myself and our three beautiful sons; Rob, Alex and Jimmy.