back home....

Well Spain was lovely - we got back on Friday - and although it's great to be home - it was something special being in Gijon. It was a bit weird really - just reading my euphoric blogg of last week - it was a very emotional week - I just had a really strong sense of belonging but also a very powerful sense of 'Chris loss'. It was a 'First' that I hadn't expected - well I knew it was going to be a First - but I just hadn't anticipated how much of a 'Chris First'.

So a lovely summer - Croatia and Asturias, family, old friends and new - what a lucky woman I am. Off to my Dad's 91st Birthday lunch today.

Staying in Spain

Along with Aziz and Jamal, I´m staying with Lara´s parents in Gijon, Northern Spain. It is quite amazing - we have been made so welcomed by all of Lara´s family but particularly her Mum and Dad - and Lara´s never actually met Aziz and Jamal herself yet!

I have found being here very powerful in terms of ´missing Chris´. I can´t think of a time since he died when I really thought - Chris would have loved this so much´ - I felt it a bit of it in Croatia but I suppose I have been concentrating on things that I wanted to do and avoided things that I knew Chris would have loved. So it came a bit out the blue when I got here - more worried about speaking Spanish and being guest of people that I don´t really know - I was never worried about the boys - though I understand my hosts were - in case they got bored but no chance of that!!!

Anyway the Chris thing - I hadn´t thought about - but from the moment I arrived in Galicia - I have just thought time and time again - Chris would have loved this so much. He loved Galicia and Asturias - the one regret he died with was that he never got back to Galicia. We had been planning that trip the day before he died and it wasn't going to work out that year - and he saíd I would really have loved to go back to Galicia again - and I said of course you will but just not this year - and as it turned out - never.

Anyway that feeling was strong and then everything about Gijon and Lara´s parents has been so evocative of Chris. Tano loves his shopping lists, they drink cider, the view is of small boats and proper boats - non of your fancy millionaires boats. The food, the mountains, the campo, even the mutt of a dog - just everything about this place was just Chris´s cup of tea - and even that´s PG tips!

Anyway I have talked a bit to Alex who understood because he had felt it when he visited at Christmas and I have just talked a little bit to Aziz and Jamal, who came round and gave me a cuddle and said everyone has to feel it sometime!! We then talked about Heff and Jeanette but are now going for a swim. Happy happy place too!

My lovely son Alex certainly knows how to pick a wonderful girlfriend, with a gorgeous family. Alex described Lara to her Mum as ´Gorgeous´ and she thought it was something to do with Gorgons! But this family is gorgeous!!!

Different sort of summer

.... with elements that are the same. This is my second Chris-less summer and it has been a nice mixture so far. Two years seems such a long time - yet in some ways no time at all and still a tiny fraction of the time I was with Chris.

We always did holidays - usually for three weeks in the summer and always independent travelling - I've not yet risked going away for three weeks - but maybe next year.

But going away with different people is fun and I particularly enjoyed Franja's company - it was a difficult summer for her - first holiday on her own with her son Jan, since her divorce - and I felt our company helped - we also talked loads and got to know each other really well - which was lovely. I also do love the Croatian islands so much - I had chosen one we'd never been to before - but I still had a few 'Chris moments' - because he too loved the islands - and we did have such happy times there. Particularly Chris's last holiday with Paul and Sue, overlapping with Jimmy and three of his mates.

Rob joining us was also great - and we had the opportunity to talk which - we haven't always been able to do - so that was also a real bonus. It's funny how things work out though - as I was determined to hire a boat - and to do it on my own - but eventually it didn't happen - despite having been booked in advance - and in many ways it felt right that I will do that 'first' another year.

I have also made an important decision this summer. I have decided that I do not want to spend the rest of my life on my own. I'm definitely not going to rush into a new relationship - don't think I could yet anyway - but an important first step is to recognise the fact that I do - at some time in the next few years - want to find a new partner.

Big breath - big decision - makes me feel a bit panicky - but I have started testing out the idea with friends and family - but most importantly with my own head!

So I have decided that over the next year that 'I would be willing to be invited out to dinner' - so I've now told my blogg - still a very scary concept though!

back home - and very late .... and later!

A quick blogg - because it's 3.15am and I'm at work in a few hours - but I needed to blogg to say how wonderful it is to be at home - and how lucky am I to have been away.

Jimmy got BCC in his AS's - which was wonderful - I have just had a great holiday in Croatia....

At this point I fell asleep!

............It's now morning and I have to go work shortly - and as it's Monday dancing later - Jim's off to Leeds festival on Wednesday - we have overlapped for a couple of days all summer!

Jimmy's home...

... and it's so lovely to see him - sounds like he had a great time - and from a Mum's point of view it's just so lovely to have him home safe well and happy - he seems to have grown as well!