Got strong under-current of change going on my life at the moment. This is exacerbated by the upheaval going on in the house. Lots of decorating and consequential mess. But one room completely finished - I now have a new spare bedroom - this week I should have a new study upstairs and possibly a new - don't know what room downstairs. This process is making me so aware that this house is really just too big for one person. Jimmy's planning to leave in September and has already paid the deposit on a house with his friends - so it will just be me and the incontinent dog!
But the process has been a good one as through it I have got rid of so many 'things' that were part of my old life - but things that were not there with a purpose - just things - and their presence was a weight - and getting rid of them - does make life lighter for me.
Still find things which throw me - looking for something yesterday I found Chris's wallet - with his driving licence in and a few other things I obviously couldn't face throwing away before - I still wasn't able to this time - and I just shoved it back to the back of the sideboard draw - for it to appear again at a future time in my life. Maybe one day I will get rid of it - but there again maybe not - and the thing is it doesn't really matter if I do or I don't!
Talked to Rob this week about how much he missed his Dad. I feel very selfish as I haven't thought about how much the boys miss having their Dad around. I suppose I haven't wanted to go there as it does make me sad to think of them missing him. I was talking about this to Les last night - after a lovely meal out with the 'girls'. Les gave me a lift home and I showed her the work in progress going on in the house and then we sat and talked for quite a while which was lovely. And I talked about my boys missing their Dad.
The good thing was that they were all really close to him. Chris always had a regret that his father died when they were not that close - Chris was about Jim's age when his father died. My boys were all very close to their Dad - and I suppose that's what they are now missing - that closeness - and they always will. But Chris's love and the fact that he was their Dad - will always live with them - and has made them the wonderful young men that they are today - they are such a huge component of Chris's legacy - three amazing young men.
Feeling a bit weepy after writing this - but that's good too - as 'The soul would have no rainbow - if the eyes had no tears.'
It's a beautiful morning to take the dog to the park and to practise my Spanish by talking to the trees!!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Thinking about things
It's Saturday/Sunday night and nearly 2 in the morning but I'm wide awake - thinking about things - large mug of chamomile tea to assist in the winding down process - considering I have been awake at 5.30 every morning this week - I should be sleepy - I think I'm extremely tired but not sleepy!
Went to a 50th Birthday party tonight - to someone that - because I met him him - when he was 19 and a student - and I was 25 and a mother etc - I have always thought of as a much younger than me - but tonight he was 50 - that felt weird.
There were lots of people there that I've known for years (decades)- some I talked deeply with - if only briefly - some I don't think I will ever be able to talk anything other than superficially with - and that feels a strange place to be - as I felt like I would have liked to have been able to talk to them.
Still feeling full of last weekend - and probably compounded by lack of sleep - I probably wasn't very diplomatic - but life's short and I really enjoyed seeing and talking to people who wanted to talk - but did feel a bit irritated by some of the others. From their point of view - I was probably too 'in their face' but also have probably always been!
Definitely time to go to sleep!
Went to a 50th Birthday party tonight - to someone that - because I met him him - when he was 19 and a student - and I was 25 and a mother etc - I have always thought of as a much younger than me - but tonight he was 50 - that felt weird.
There were lots of people there that I've known for years (decades)- some I talked deeply with - if only briefly - some I don't think I will ever be able to talk anything other than superficially with - and that feels a strange place to be - as I felt like I would have liked to have been able to talk to them.
Still feeling full of last weekend - and probably compounded by lack of sleep - I probably wasn't very diplomatic - but life's short and I really enjoyed seeing and talking to people who wanted to talk - but did feel a bit irritated by some of the others. From their point of view - I was probably too 'in their face' but also have probably always been!
Definitely time to go to sleep!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Back home but different
It's wonderful to be home and to recognise and cherish all the blessings that I have in my life. Whilst away I reflected not on myself but on 'an other' and it has left me with quite a different sense of things. Last time I was left with a sense of euphoria and joy, this time I can see those things, but I am also feeling strong mood swings.
I suppose I am just more aware of others. I went dancing last night and was very struck by how much my fellow dancers were getting from their dance. It was quite a different way of being at the dance and it is wonderful to be doing the same things that I always do but to see them differently.
Back into work today - feeling that it could be quite hard. Things are so fast moving and so full of pressures at the moment, and as much of this pressure is on others, I think I need to consciously try to keep my own perspective clear and focused.
Big things are also happening to others in my life, Perri has an operation today and Lara has her PhD viva tomorrow. This affects them but also the others close to them - it can be so difficult to be close to someone you love who is in hard place.
I thought a lot over the weekend of Chris's pain and how I had been a witness to his pain - which had been constant and sometimes un-bearable. Chris's strength was based on his lifetime fight with pain, a fight he rarely despaired of, though he lived with pain which would have destroyed most people. He did despair, not often but sometimes when the pain had been particularly ferocious, lasting over several days, constant remorseless pain with no sleep, just his lonely personal battle with pain. On these occasions he did despair, in the dark of the night, when he just had had enough, he would surrender briefly to despair, but the next morning he would get up, put on his cumbersome, heavy and painful legs and just get on with his life - he truly was an amazingly extra-ordinary man.
I can see the experience of the weekend will have affected me deeply but I know it will take time to assimilate it all. But now I'm me - back to being me - at home - with an incontinent dog that needs walking - a beautiful son that needs awakening and a job that needs doing! How lucky am I!
I suppose I am just more aware of others. I went dancing last night and was very struck by how much my fellow dancers were getting from their dance. It was quite a different way of being at the dance and it is wonderful to be doing the same things that I always do but to see them differently.
Back into work today - feeling that it could be quite hard. Things are so fast moving and so full of pressures at the moment, and as much of this pressure is on others, I think I need to consciously try to keep my own perspective clear and focused.
Big things are also happening to others in my life, Perri has an operation today and Lara has her PhD viva tomorrow. This affects them but also the others close to them - it can be so difficult to be close to someone you love who is in hard place.
I thought a lot over the weekend of Chris's pain and how I had been a witness to his pain - which had been constant and sometimes un-bearable. Chris's strength was based on his lifetime fight with pain, a fight he rarely despaired of, though he lived with pain which would have destroyed most people. He did despair, not often but sometimes when the pain had been particularly ferocious, lasting over several days, constant remorseless pain with no sleep, just his lonely personal battle with pain. On these occasions he did despair, in the dark of the night, when he just had had enough, he would surrender briefly to despair, but the next morning he would get up, put on his cumbersome, heavy and painful legs and just get on with his life - he truly was an amazingly extra-ordinary man.
I can see the experience of the weekend will have affected me deeply but I know it will take time to assimilate it all. But now I'm me - back to being me - at home - with an incontinent dog that needs walking - a beautiful son that needs awakening and a job that needs doing! How lucky am I!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Feeling Exhausted but knowing there is more
Stuff at work beginning to feel a bit over-whelming but I'm definitely not on my own with this one!! Running to catch up with myself all the time - with a worryingly feeling of madness - currently underpinning many aspects of my professional life!
Am relishing - though knowing it wont be easy - the fact that I will going on another EI weekend tomorrow.
A strange feeling - and a joyous feeling - 4 days away from everything - except from those things that I think/and know are important - well no pressure there then!
Am relishing - though knowing it wont be easy - the fact that I will going on another EI weekend tomorrow.
A strange feeling - and a joyous feeling - 4 days away from everything - except from those things that I think/and know are important - well no pressure there then!
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Sunday morning and wide awake!
It's 2 am on Sunday morning and I'm wide awake - so I thought I'd have large cup of chamomile tea and do my blogg. I have just come from another wonderful party - my social life is extra-ordinarily good at the moment - a dancers party - in a beautiful house with a great open plan downstairs, wooden floors and doors that led into a huge garden - perfect for dancing!
I love going out with the dancers, it is so easy and so much fun. We don't drink very much, talk a bit - but even though I know them really well, I don't know what they do in terms of jobs - or really anything very much about them - but I know some of their beliefs and I know they care for me, and I know I really enjoy being with them - and of course I know how they dance! So we go to parties and dance and it's wonderfully easy and fun.
I am happy on my own and it's a good feeling. I think I'm in a new phase of my life - I have been a widow for two and a half years and I think I might be moving on from the grieving stage. Not sure yet because like all these things it will become clearer with hindsight. But I do feel a growing lightness and a love of life even though I can see and know that I have lost the love of my life. I think of the young girl Tricia at 18 meeting Chris and the woman Tricia losing him at 53 and it was a lifetime. I suppose what I'm feeling now is the recognition that I have a new life to live and I must treasure every second of it.
So time to try and sleep - though my mind is whirling and my feet are comfortably aching, but how lucky am I.
I love going out with the dancers, it is so easy and so much fun. We don't drink very much, talk a bit - but even though I know them really well, I don't know what they do in terms of jobs - or really anything very much about them - but I know some of their beliefs and I know they care for me, and I know I really enjoy being with them - and of course I know how they dance! So we go to parties and dance and it's wonderfully easy and fun.
I am happy on my own and it's a good feeling. I think I'm in a new phase of my life - I have been a widow for two and a half years and I think I might be moving on from the grieving stage. Not sure yet because like all these things it will become clearer with hindsight. But I do feel a growing lightness and a love of life even though I can see and know that I have lost the love of my life. I think of the young girl Tricia at 18 meeting Chris and the woman Tricia losing him at 53 and it was a lifetime. I suppose what I'm feeling now is the recognition that I have a new life to live and I must treasure every second of it.
So time to try and sleep - though my mind is whirling and my feet are comfortably aching, but how lucky am I.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m reflecting in the stillness of Sunday morning on an extra-ordinary weekend.
Friday night was Paco Peña, singers, Sense of Sound, a children’s choir and a Flamenco dancer – I don’t know what to write to capture the event – they played, sang, danced - A Requiem for the World - and it was magical and moving and its power is still with me. The dancer was extra-ordinary – the way his whole body moved – whirling, stamping, emotive – wonderful - I was transfixed. I went with Aziz and Jamal and the ‘girls’ and Hector had the spare ticket which was very appropriate as it was all in Spanish. So a magic start to the weekend.
Saturday night was the Spirit Horse Masked Ball and a truly magnificent event on many levels. The fun and enjoyment of dressing up, going over the top – we all looked amazing! Going with quite a gang of Liverpool 5 Rhythm dancers - and the pleasure of their easy friendship – and dancing - the opportunity to meet again with some of the EI people and make more sense of my own place in this other larger tribe - a truly wonderful occasion.
An amazing and beautiful night – this blog is just completely full of superlatives! But now the opportunity to reflect as always – how lucky I am - and to take the time to be genuinely thankful for this – which I hope I am. Off now for lunch with my parents and Becki, four generations of us will be nurtured by fish pie!
Friday night was Paco Peña, singers, Sense of Sound, a children’s choir and a Flamenco dancer – I don’t know what to write to capture the event – they played, sang, danced - A Requiem for the World - and it was magical and moving and its power is still with me. The dancer was extra-ordinary – the way his whole body moved – whirling, stamping, emotive – wonderful - I was transfixed. I went with Aziz and Jamal and the ‘girls’ and Hector had the spare ticket which was very appropriate as it was all in Spanish. So a magic start to the weekend.
Saturday night was the Spirit Horse Masked Ball and a truly magnificent event on many levels. The fun and enjoyment of dressing up, going over the top – we all looked amazing! Going with quite a gang of Liverpool 5 Rhythm dancers - and the pleasure of their easy friendship – and dancing - the opportunity to meet again with some of the EI people and make more sense of my own place in this other larger tribe - a truly wonderful occasion.
An amazing and beautiful night – this blog is just completely full of superlatives! But now the opportunity to reflect as always – how lucky I am - and to take the time to be genuinely thankful for this – which I hope I am. Off now for lunch with my parents and Becki, four generations of us will be nurtured by fish pie!
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