It’s late on Thursday night and I have just come back from the DaDafest Dinner. When I went back to work last Wednesday I found an invite from the Government Office and I thought it would be a good way to meet a lot of people I know in an informal setting – and it was. The meeting people I expected and that was good – not easy but OK – people are still shocked to see me – but I am coping better with the surge of emotion that other peoples emotions evokes. It is hard but also lovely – deep breath – and I can cope – usually.
My host Richard has been where I am and it was good to talk. We discussed the comparative merits of a terminal illness over several months compared to a sudden death like Chris’s – only the kind of conversation you can have when you are a member of the club!
What I hadn’t expected was such a strong feeling of moving on - tonight I also saw many people from my past and recognised some of my own legacy. That sounds pretentious but this week - with going back to work I am asking myself the question where will I be in five years? – what do I want to do? – how can I contribute? And tonight just re-enforced that – looking back over my life – all those bin bags of paper that I recycled last week – that’s what I’ve done - what am I going to do in the future? This is also in the context of going to Boston on Saturday – my professional world is full of opportunity – this is exciting and also scary - because I'll have to do it own my own now.
DaDafest is something else and Anne the bread maker won the new Media Award which was great – congrats Anne!
On a domestic front I managed to burn a pan of boiled potatoes for Jim’s tea – now that is unbelievable!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Working - well getting there
Well – I’m proud of myself – have just got back from London – there and back in a day – my usual routine. Glad Mary came with me – and it has been a very long day – had a weep in the car coming back from the station but that’s OK – met quite a few people I’ve known for a long time – most knew but two didn’t – even told a man from Microsoft about how great my blogg has been and why – so that’s not bad! Spoke at the conference – but anyone who knows me would have been concerned if I didn’t – not certain if it made a lot of sense but think I got my point over – but there again do you ever know what people think! Had some good work thoughts re the future - so that’s all positive and as I said at the beginning of this blogg – I am proud of myself!
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Well – Jim and I we had our tea together and it was good – Jim ate loads – yesterday he only picked at his food – so that and sitting together companionably talking/laughing about the problems of Alex’s plumbing was easy and relaxed - Jimmy was quite late getting back from the snooker – though he phoned to say they were stuck in a long game – he has now gone out again to Richard’s - this is all good stuff as Jimmy’s mates are good lads.
He has to do it at his pace and I have to do it at mine – this has been a hard weekend though.
The door bell rang and it was another delivery of home made bread from Anne - Jack’s Mum – I had resolved the bread problem by buying Tesco’s organic and getting them to slice it – Ok but not the real stuff – so a loaf of real bread will start our week off well!
He has to do it at his pace and I have to do it at mine – this has been a hard weekend though.
The door bell rang and it was another delivery of home made bread from Anne - Jack’s Mum – I had resolved the bread problem by buying Tesco’s organic and getting them to slice it – Ok but not the real stuff – so a loaf of real bread will start our week off well!
Jim’s not home yet – he is playing snooker with some mates – and I have just set the table for two of us – we have eaten at the table when there have been others in the house – but it’s now time for the two us to start eating together at the table – I have moved things around so they are different but it is funny how it is the little things that get to you!
Sunday
Saturday was grim – well bits of it were – Jimmy decided – and a good decision – that he wanted to do some work but as he’s missed so much school - either by not being there physically or just not being there - he was uncertain of where to start - and we nether coped well with the ensuing discussions - I wanting to help, Jimmy wanting not to upset me – both not knowing the best thing to do - Alex phoned in the middle and got both of us!
Anyway the day did get better and Aziz, Jamal and Rob came round and I managed to cook some reasonably nice chicken, and Jamal ate five pieces and we all ate cake, raspberries and cream/ice cream. Jimmy was quiet but we had an OK evening.
I was going to see Casino Royale with the boys this morning at FACT but Aziz woke up as sick as a dog and has vomited all day, so Rob took Jim and Jamal instead.
The choir that Peri conducts has got through to the finals of the 2006 BBC Radio 3 Choir of the Year which is fantastic news – she rehearses with them every Sunday. I am going to have the boys for the weekend of the final and we will either listen to it radio or it might be on TV. I saw a video of Peri and the Choir and she looked amazing!
Back to work tomorrow though I am going to the Probate Office in the morning to do what ever I have to do – I know it involves swearing and taking two forms of identity – I’m taking Jim the Exec with me – I’ll be glad when it’s all over with and I can draw a line under the money etc stuff.
Got a lovely email today which told me to take things slowly and I think this is good advice. I think it would be easy for me to pick up loads of stuff and then to struggle – and I do struggle – yesterday for example.
So back to work – TAKING IT SLOWLY – taking my time – and recognising that although I’m OK I am still ‘Work in progress!’
Time to make some supper for Jim and I – and with my cooking disasters - that too is work in progress!
Anyway the day did get better and Aziz, Jamal and Rob came round and I managed to cook some reasonably nice chicken, and Jamal ate five pieces and we all ate cake, raspberries and cream/ice cream. Jimmy was quiet but we had an OK evening.
I was going to see Casino Royale with the boys this morning at FACT but Aziz woke up as sick as a dog and has vomited all day, so Rob took Jim and Jamal instead.
The choir that Peri conducts has got through to the finals of the 2006 BBC Radio 3 Choir of the Year which is fantastic news – she rehearses with them every Sunday. I am going to have the boys for the weekend of the final and we will either listen to it radio or it might be on TV. I saw a video of Peri and the Choir and she looked amazing!
Back to work tomorrow though I am going to the Probate Office in the morning to do what ever I have to do – I know it involves swearing and taking two forms of identity – I’m taking Jim the Exec with me – I’ll be glad when it’s all over with and I can draw a line under the money etc stuff.
Got a lovely email today which told me to take things slowly and I think this is good advice. I think it would be easy for me to pick up loads of stuff and then to struggle – and I do struggle – yesterday for example.
So back to work – TAKING IT SLOWLY – taking my time – and recognising that although I’m OK I am still ‘Work in progress!’
Time to make some supper for Jim and I – and with my cooking disasters - that too is work in progress!
Friday, November 24, 2006
Gilly was unwell so Friday night out on Lark Lane was cancelled – so Rob and I went to Smithdown and had a very pleasant few pints – and talked deeply and it was very good.
Jim has now gone out for the night with his mates – and he told me they were planning to go down town. I’m glad he told me – but at the same time I am on my own worrying about him – though I recall my own adolescence and the difference is – I don’t think I ever told my Mother what I was doing at 16 – though like Jim I was the third child and parents do gain some immunity as their children do things which are worrying.
So a different Friday night again – if Chris was here he would have given me some reassurance but in the same way Jim has to do things on his own – so must I.
When Rob and I were in the pub we met someone from the University – whom I assume would have known about Chris ‘cos we work quite closely with his Department - but he didn’t know and asked questions - and then he told us about how he had lost his Dad very suddenly – watching a cricket match at 54 – when he had just started his PhD – it made me think about my boys and I talked with Rob about it – because 30+ years later he could still recall his devastation very clearly. I keep having these moments of insight into other people’s lives.
I am very tired tonight – three days at work – clearing out my office was just enough – I think I will have a herbal tea and hopefully that combined with beer will make me sleep!
Jim has now gone out for the night with his mates – and he told me they were planning to go down town. I’m glad he told me – but at the same time I am on my own worrying about him – though I recall my own adolescence and the difference is – I don’t think I ever told my Mother what I was doing at 16 – though like Jim I was the third child and parents do gain some immunity as their children do things which are worrying.
So a different Friday night again – if Chris was here he would have given me some reassurance but in the same way Jim has to do things on his own – so must I.
When Rob and I were in the pub we met someone from the University – whom I assume would have known about Chris ‘cos we work quite closely with his Department - but he didn’t know and asked questions - and then he told us about how he had lost his Dad very suddenly – watching a cricket match at 54 – when he had just started his PhD – it made me think about my boys and I talked with Rob about it – because 30+ years later he could still recall his devastation very clearly. I keep having these moments of insight into other people’s lives.
I am very tired tonight – three days at work – clearing out my office was just enough – I think I will have a herbal tea and hopefully that combined with beer will make me sleep!
IPWD – dark, cold and lonely – it’s funny but the more I have gone back into the real world the lonelier I seem to feel. That’s not to say I am not surrounded by the most wonderful, friends, family and colleagues all of whom are there for me all the time – popping in and checking up on me!
I suppose this is just another big step for me the recognition that I have lost Chris’s presence in my life – and that does feel very lonely.
On the other hand – and this blogg is part of me forcing myself to look at the ‘other hand’ I have a great family, fantastic friends, wonderful colleagues and a job I love. So I shall drink this tea – in the new big mug of flags, have a bowl of porridge – one the few things I seem able to cook at the moment! - and go to work to finish completely annihilating my office – and also have lunch with some of the Aimhigher Co-coordinators and discuss year 12s – and then go to Lark Lane with Gilly – so my life might be a bit lonely but it is full - and Renata has just started Skyping from Croatia – the whole of their education system is on strike from primary to HE!
I suppose this is just another big step for me the recognition that I have lost Chris’s presence in my life – and that does feel very lonely.
On the other hand – and this blogg is part of me forcing myself to look at the ‘other hand’ I have a great family, fantastic friends, wonderful colleagues and a job I love. So I shall drink this tea – in the new big mug of flags, have a bowl of porridge – one the few things I seem able to cook at the moment! - and go to work to finish completely annihilating my office – and also have lunch with some of the Aimhigher Co-coordinators and discuss year 12s – and then go to Lark Lane with Gilly – so my life might be a bit lonely but it is full - and Renata has just started Skyping from Croatia – the whole of their education system is on strike from primary to HE!
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
When I first heard that it had been arranged for us to go out for dinner to discuss Boston on my first day back at work - I must admit that I thought that I would struggle – but this evening has been lovely – the opportunity to talk through going to Boston as well as a variety of other opportunities has really brought it back to me the excitement of this work. I am very tired but also really looking forward to being back at work properly – though I don’t know if I’ll feel quite so enthusiastic tomorrow morning when it’s IPWD at dawn!
Back at work
First day over – flowers in my office, fancy coffee and lots of smiles – thank you.
Spent most of the day working out the new email and diary system though did get as far as starting a ‘Task list’ by the afternoon – which I think was pretty good. Think I’ll have a clear out tomorrow – I’ve got quite good at re-cycling paper recently! Off out tonight for the ‘Boston Tea Party’ aka ‘An informal feedback session’ Emy and Margaret briefing the four of us who are going to Boston the first week in December. I had some lovely emails from American friends today and then when I came home more from other friends thinking about me on my first day back.
Lindsey said I should have had my picture taken in the front garden – like those ‘First day at Big School’ photos I have got x3 beautiful boys – it was like that – my first day of being the new me!
I am a lucky person.
Spent most of the day working out the new email and diary system though did get as far as starting a ‘Task list’ by the afternoon – which I think was pretty good. Think I’ll have a clear out tomorrow – I’ve got quite good at re-cycling paper recently! Off out tonight for the ‘Boston Tea Party’ aka ‘An informal feedback session’ Emy and Margaret briefing the four of us who are going to Boston the first week in December. I had some lovely emails from American friends today and then when I came home more from other friends thinking about me on my first day back.
Lindsey said I should have had my picture taken in the front garden – like those ‘First day at Big School’ photos I have got x3 beautiful boys – it was like that – my first day of being the new me!
I am a lucky person.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Last day of house sorting – am now on first names terms with the woman in the Oxfam shop and the man at the tip! Today I did kitchen stuff – bowls and baking trays mainly - cleaned out the cupboards and then bought a new set of four plates and bowls for us - dark blue and a good size for Jimmy’s nocturnal diet of crunchy nut cornflakes!
Tomorrow Jimmy and I will both start working – he has effectively missed a whole module of his ASs – I think he is only now beginning to properly wake up – he was in a very deep shock. He has now got to come to terms with studying at VIth Form and he’s the only one who can to make the decision to apply himself - but he’s a bright boy and well supported – so I’m sure he will – he is worried though.
Hope the weather is better tomorrow – going IPWD is bad enough at the crack of dawn without it hailing - the dog has taken to coughing pathetically when it rains!
Tomorrow Jimmy and I will both start working – he has effectively missed a whole module of his ASs – I think he is only now beginning to properly wake up – he was in a very deep shock. He has now got to come to terms with studying at VIth Form and he’s the only one who can to make the decision to apply himself - but he’s a bright boy and well supported – so I’m sure he will – he is worried though.
Hope the weather is better tomorrow – going IPWD is bad enough at the crack of dawn without it hailing - the dog has taken to coughing pathetically when it rains!
Monday, November 20, 2006
My second to last day before going back to work has been OK – still sorting – today re-cycled all Chris’s files – some shredded - the rest paper waste. Also decided to find new homes for Chris’s instruments - Jim will talk to a couple of guitar playing friends tomorrow but we will take professional advice re the alto sax – French and over 50 years old – I want it to go to someone who appreciates the subtleties of these things.
The back room is looking lighter – still messy but it’s almost echoey in here now.
I have just looked back at my list of things to do before going back to work and they were:
Reading several books cover to cover,
Being able to watch/listen to the news,
Buying a newspaper and reading more than the sudoku,
Sleeping better,
Going to the supermarket and doing a proper weekly shop
I have now read 4 books – slow but getting there.
Watch/listened to the news though still switch off more than I used to.
I buy newspapers and have read more than the sudoku – though still do the sudoku.
Sleeping better but not brilliantly – wake up and usually go back to sleep though sometimes it takes a while – I can see the time so clearly with the giant digital display of new CD/radio!
Result Jim and I went to Tescos tonight and did a good shop - also cooked a great stir fry c.f. last night’s culinary disaster!
My new life involves shopping and cooking – the weird thing is that I used to do all the shopping and cooking but over the years Chris took over both. He was brought up in the strong Geordie tradition that men didn’t go into the kitchen but over the years we evolved roles – when the boys were young I would cook and Chris would tell the boys brilliant bedtime stories and afterwards together we would wash up.
Over the last few years my favourite has been the pizza – Chris would make the dough – roll it out onto the various trays, shop for all the special bits and prepare them and I would come home from work and do Chris a favour by putting them all together – easy peasy!
I will look up the pizza dough recipes – we have all the trays including the soapstone from Finland – and dial a pizza is a ridiculous price!
Today I also enjoyed Sophie’s blogg from Germany – Sophie you and Adam must come to Liverpool and have a pizza – get Jenko to sort out a date!
The back room is looking lighter – still messy but it’s almost echoey in here now.
I have just looked back at my list of things to do before going back to work and they were:
Reading several books cover to cover,
Being able to watch/listen to the news,
Buying a newspaper and reading more than the sudoku,
Sleeping better,
Going to the supermarket and doing a proper weekly shop
I have now read 4 books – slow but getting there.
Watch/listened to the news though still switch off more than I used to.
I buy newspapers and have read more than the sudoku – though still do the sudoku.
Sleeping better but not brilliantly – wake up and usually go back to sleep though sometimes it takes a while – I can see the time so clearly with the giant digital display of new CD/radio!
Result Jim and I went to Tescos tonight and did a good shop - also cooked a great stir fry c.f. last night’s culinary disaster!
My new life involves shopping and cooking – the weird thing is that I used to do all the shopping and cooking but over the years Chris took over both. He was brought up in the strong Geordie tradition that men didn’t go into the kitchen but over the years we evolved roles – when the boys were young I would cook and Chris would tell the boys brilliant bedtime stories and afterwards together we would wash up.
Over the last few years my favourite has been the pizza – Chris would make the dough – roll it out onto the various trays, shop for all the special bits and prepare them and I would come home from work and do Chris a favour by putting them all together – easy peasy!
I will look up the pizza dough recipes – we have all the trays including the soapstone from Finland – and dial a pizza is a ridiculous price!
Today I also enjoyed Sophie’s blogg from Germany – Sophie you and Adam must come to Liverpool and have a pizza – get Jenko to sort out a date!
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Positive thoughts!
Looked at the blogg for Friday night and feel much more cheerful – now – Sunday afternoon.
Had a good run in the park this morning the weather was beautiful – the dog was in danger of being left behind! Last night went out with the 'girls' to a new restaurant – the Sakara – the food was great - tapas type – my favourite. The owner turned out to be the daughter of an old friend of Gilly’s whom I also knew. She asked me the question “How’s your lovely fella?” and I have to give her the painful answer. I am getting better at this - even told the sales assistant in M&S, as I said I was buying some clothes to go back to work, and she asked if I’d been off long and why – pretty dumb questions really! I have now practiced some phrases – like ‘My late husband’ and ‘My husband died a few months ago.' Though it’s actually eight weeks tomorrow.
I have been thinking through going back to work on Wednesday and I have decided to make reasons to visit different parts of the University. As I have worked there for exactly 22 years I am quite well known. I am aware that some people find me quite difficult to react to - and worry about not knowing what to say – what I want people to do is to smile at me and say ‘Good to see you back at work’. Because that’s what I am going to do on Wednesday - go back to work. To a job that I love. I had a very good work idea yesterday and look forward to discussing it with Mary!
So next week I will find reasons to visit various corners of the University and I am hoping once people know I’m back and have smiled at me at least once I can become the working me again. Jimmy and I will sort out our new routine at home and a new phase of our lives will have started.
Now that’s really positive!
Had a good run in the park this morning the weather was beautiful – the dog was in danger of being left behind! Last night went out with the 'girls' to a new restaurant – the Sakara – the food was great - tapas type – my favourite. The owner turned out to be the daughter of an old friend of Gilly’s whom I also knew. She asked me the question “How’s your lovely fella?” and I have to give her the painful answer. I am getting better at this - even told the sales assistant in M&S, as I said I was buying some clothes to go back to work, and she asked if I’d been off long and why – pretty dumb questions really! I have now practiced some phrases – like ‘My late husband’ and ‘My husband died a few months ago.' Though it’s actually eight weeks tomorrow.
I have been thinking through going back to work on Wednesday and I have decided to make reasons to visit different parts of the University. As I have worked there for exactly 22 years I am quite well known. I am aware that some people find me quite difficult to react to - and worry about not knowing what to say – what I want people to do is to smile at me and say ‘Good to see you back at work’. Because that’s what I am going to do on Wednesday - go back to work. To a job that I love. I had a very good work idea yesterday and look forward to discussing it with Mary!
So next week I will find reasons to visit various corners of the University and I am hoping once people know I’m back and have smiled at me at least once I can become the working me again. Jimmy and I will sort out our new routine at home and a new phase of our lives will have started.
Now that’s really positive!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Friday night – on my own – Jim at his mates – hard but OK. Watched some telly - talked at length to my sister Ann – good conversation - and sent some emails to cousins etc – I am increasingly recognising that I am in transition – not certain what is on the other side but know I’m on my way there – Deirdre might have some insight for future Friday nights!
Today - Jim and I took 200+ psychology books round to the Oxfam shop – this is a lot of books - filled the car and they had cleared some shelves for them – apparently psychology books always sell well!
The books were hard – the hardest bits was the bookmarks – Chris had marked almost all books with scrubby bits of bookmarks – they varied from photographs to wage slips to letters from distant cousins to score cards for crib – guess the initials! So in order to pass the books on I had to look at them all – Chris really was remarkable – if his book marks were anything to go by!
Today - Jim and I took 200+ psychology books round to the Oxfam shop – this is a lot of books - filled the car and they had cleared some shelves for them – apparently psychology books always sell well!
The books were hard – the hardest bits was the bookmarks – Chris had marked almost all books with scrubby bits of bookmarks – they varied from photographs to wage slips to letters from distant cousins to score cards for crib – guess the initials! So in order to pass the books on I had to look at them all – Chris really was remarkable – if his book marks were anything to go by!
The little things are important they are also the hardest – today I have asked for a refund for two flights to Sardinia for New Year – that upset me. I have also arranged to take the 200 plus Psychology books to the Oxfam shop who assure me they can sell them.
Going into the office later today to see people and also pick up the deeds for the house and my will from the bank – will have to make a new will myself now. Have been really strong but today is a weepy day.
Going into the office later today to see people and also pick up the deeds for the house and my will from the bank – will have to make a new will myself now. Have been really strong but today is a weepy day.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
I was thinking that life is starting to move more quickly - the days pass with less effort – I have a feeling they will be rushing by soon – so I must cherish and relish each one.
I’m looking forward to going back to work – I am rehearsing next week and getting things sorted. Glad I’m not going back on Monday though, as I have a plumber coming round to sort out the toilet and an engineer to fix the washing machine which decided to stop working today!
Rob and I went IPWD today and decided to postpone the ashes scattering until later in December – we went to the chosen tree and had a sad moment – then came back and Jimmy was sorting out his files for school – which is very good!
I’m looking forward to going back to work – I am rehearsing next week and getting things sorted. Glad I’m not going back on Monday though, as I have a plumber coming round to sort out the toilet and an engineer to fix the washing machine which decided to stop working today!
Rob and I went IPWD today and decided to postpone the ashes scattering until later in December – we went to the chosen tree and had a sad moment – then came back and Jimmy was sorting out his files for school – which is very good!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Went shopping with Les today – she is still waiting for a diagnosis and has a liver scan next week. We had a nice shop – I bought some new work clothes and some bits for the house – quite a conscious effort to make little things different.
Had a good chat to Jim this morning about next week when we are both back at work. I think I will work to 4.30 and then come home and put in another hour at home – whilst Jim does his homework. Am feeling almost ready to go back – the trip away was good for me.
On the way home from Scotland Gilly and I went to see Hadrian’s Wall travelling on the Military Road the B6318 from Greenhead to Chollerford. This is a very special road for me and was Chris’s favourite road. It runs parallel with Hadrian’s Wall and is like a roller coaster up and down – with ‘Severe Dip’ signs every blind summit!
It was along this road that for years we would go to visit Chris’s Mum and it was along this road that Chris would talk about his childhood, Kirk Shields, his parents. I hadn’t thought about visiting this area but I am so glad I did. Touching base with special memories and getting a big first out of my system.
Gilly and I stopped at Housesteads Fort but didn’t linger as it was blowing a gale – photo of me with the Housesteads behind me – looks more impressive in real life! I am wearing a pink tea cosy of a hat that I bought in Fort William.
This is a photo of Chris on the B6318 before we were married.
Had a good chat to Jim this morning about next week when we are both back at work. I think I will work to 4.30 and then come home and put in another hour at home – whilst Jim does his homework. Am feeling almost ready to go back – the trip away was good for me.
On the way home from Scotland Gilly and I went to see Hadrian’s Wall travelling on the Military Road the B6318 from Greenhead to Chollerford. This is a very special road for me and was Chris’s favourite road. It runs parallel with Hadrian’s Wall and is like a roller coaster up and down – with ‘Severe Dip’ signs every blind summit!
It was along this road that for years we would go to visit Chris’s Mum and it was along this road that Chris would talk about his childhood, Kirk Shields, his parents. I hadn’t thought about visiting this area but I am so glad I did. Touching base with special memories and getting a big first out of my system.
Gilly and I stopped at Housesteads Fort but didn’t linger as it was blowing a gale – photo of me with the Housesteads behind me – looks more impressive in real life! I am wearing a pink tea cosy of a hat that I bought in Fort William.
This is a photo of Chris on the B6318 before we were married.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
We also went on a remarkably unforgettable walk. Gilly’s Brother-in-law Stevie, had lend us a book of walks - so confidently ignoring the danger sign – this walk was a proper walk – it was in Stevie’s book so would be fine! We sprackled, clambered and scared ourselves getting covered in mud - whilst beneath us seals cavorted and there no sight or sound of anyone - Amazing!Last night I met a woman in a pub who has had such a hard life and we talked. Then I awoke in the night and thought about ‘Capacity’ – I talk about this a lot at work and feel now that what this trip has done has enabled me to understand that I have a lot of ‘Capacity’ – probably more than average - I think this is due to my being lucky with my family, husband and circumstances.
I then went back to sleep and woke to discover that I had slept between six and seven on a Tuesday morning – so the trip was a success! Back to work a week tomorrow!
The travellers return
Well – we’ve been away and come back again – Jim stayed at his brother Alex’s in Leeds and Gilly and I went to the western isles of Scotland for a spectacularly wet few days.
We didn’t get to Mull as the ferry was cancelled due to the weather but we went to some beautiful places and saw seals, castles, rainbows, 2,000 year old standing stones and the non stop amazing views which greet you at every corner in that most beautiful part of the world.
It was fun going away with Gilly - we stayed at pubs and ate good food and were very companionable with each other – laughing at our differences I would point out Oyster Catchers and Gilly would point our Porsches!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
late night weepy thoughts
I was just going to bed after Jim came back from watching football at Milo’s – and I was thinking about Jim – he is only 16 – which is really very young – and he has coped superbly – but I was suddenly aware of the pressure this must be putting on him – there is Jim and me in the house – we are having to do every thing as just us two - cooking, washing, getting sorted for next week type stuff. I am finding it all very emotional and he must just want to get on with it – to move on to tomorrow – cope at school – do what 16 year olds do. This is a very weepy blogg – probably because it’s about Jim – and in some ways this is good - as it is me thinking more about his perspective than my own.
Anyway I am glad we are all going away tomorrow – Jim to Alex’s – me and Gilly somewhere – even though I can see my life beyond this time – it is also very hard.
Anyway I am glad we are all going away tomorrow – Jim to Alex’s – me and Gilly somewhere – even though I can see my life beyond this time – it is also very hard.
Hadn’t got anything planned today but it’s been OK. Trish, Debs and Paul came round from work and we talked. Can feel it getting closer and once I get the initial first meetings with everyone out of the way I am sure I will be fine.
Margaret and Ioanna also came round and we talked about the impact of specific initiatives on young people in schools which re-enforced my ability to talk about these things!
Jimmy had a meeting at school with his head of VIth form and although he’s been attending school he hasn’t really been participating. We had a good chat about it and have decided not to make any decisions for a bit and see if he can start to concentrate. I said I thought he was doing brilliantly as I haven’t even been able to get into work yet let alone do any work!
Jim, Gilly and I are going away tomorrow. Jim is going to stay at Alex’s and Gilly and I will just go and see where we get too. On the way we are calling into Huddersfield University and Jimmy’s going to meet someone from their music technology course - I’m hoping that this will help him see a bit farther forward which will hopefully help him concentrate. I know it will also be good for him to talk with Alex. Rob has been in London for a few days but is back today.
The dog’s going back into kennels tomorrow, so made a new portable bed for him from an old sleeping bag, appropriately Chris’s old one and cooked a pan of boiled rice for his tea – from his tummy rumbling he’s still got problems!
I was pleased with the news from the US election knowing that a lot of good friends of mine have worked very hard over the last few months/years for such a result.
Margaret and Ioanna also came round and we talked about the impact of specific initiatives on young people in schools which re-enforced my ability to talk about these things!
Jimmy had a meeting at school with his head of VIth form and although he’s been attending school he hasn’t really been participating. We had a good chat about it and have decided not to make any decisions for a bit and see if he can start to concentrate. I said I thought he was doing brilliantly as I haven’t even been able to get into work yet let alone do any work!
Jim, Gilly and I are going away tomorrow. Jim is going to stay at Alex’s and Gilly and I will just go and see where we get too. On the way we are calling into Huddersfield University and Jimmy’s going to meet someone from their music technology course - I’m hoping that this will help him see a bit farther forward which will hopefully help him concentrate. I know it will also be good for him to talk with Alex. Rob has been in London for a few days but is back today.
The dog’s going back into kennels tomorrow, so made a new portable bed for him from an old sleeping bag, appropriately Chris’s old one and cooked a pan of boiled rice for his tea – from his tummy rumbling he’s still got problems!
I was pleased with the news from the US election knowing that a lot of good friends of mine have worked very hard over the last few months/years for such a result.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Another Tuesday morning
I thought I might just crack it this Tuesday morning but no – awoke at exactly 6.00. No getting away from the exact time with my new Alarm/CD player.
So I spent my hour thinking backwards and forwards – thinking back about how far I’ve moved on from the other Tuesday mornings – thinking forward to next Tuesday – in a B&B with Gilly somewhere – the next one – my last day before I go back to work – the next one an early start for the train to London – so from that awful Tuesday morning to an normal Tuesday morning. Let’s hope so.
Got out of bed to go IPWD but his time away, eating his bed and too many herbal sleeping pills have severely disagreed with him so I went IKWM (In Kitchen With Mop) yuuggh!
Today the Americans go to the polls. I find the timing of the sentencing of Sadaam so manipulative but Hey what did I expect!
Off to the Park and then I am going to sort Chris’s work papers out – feels the right day for that.
For sort out Chris's work papers read throw out Chris's work papers. I will recycle the paper but the work is done.
So I spent my hour thinking backwards and forwards – thinking back about how far I’ve moved on from the other Tuesday mornings – thinking forward to next Tuesday – in a B&B with Gilly somewhere – the next one – my last day before I go back to work – the next one an early start for the train to London – so from that awful Tuesday morning to an normal Tuesday morning. Let’s hope so.
Got out of bed to go IPWD but his time away, eating his bed and too many herbal sleeping pills have severely disagreed with him so I went IKWM (In Kitchen With Mop) yuuggh!
Today the Americans go to the polls. I find the timing of the sentencing of Sadaam so manipulative but Hey what did I expect!
Off to the Park and then I am going to sort Chris’s work papers out – feels the right day for that.
For sort out Chris's work papers read throw out Chris's work papers. I will recycle the paper but the work is done.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Picked up Kipper who survived bonfire night – they said it had been very quiet – even so he still managed to eat his bed! We were all so pleased he wasn’t here last night as the fireworks were tremendously loud and even closer – they also seem to go on all night.
So IPWD but to Calderstones Park a change – it was beautiful in the sunshine. I thought about the weekend and realised that I hadn’t mentioned that Mum and Dad got a personal card from the Queen (aka Lizzie to my Mother!). The card was very fine with a golden tassel, personally signed and much admired!
They are having another party in a fortnight for all their friends and neighbours. I have decided not to go to that one and told my Dad yesterday. He understood.
60 years of marriage is worth celebrating and a card from the Queen!
Talked to a lot of people about loss over the weekend. Consistent messages. It takes time. Do it in your own way. Accept you are grieving. Take your own time. So that’s what I’ll do.
So IPWD but to Calderstones Park a change – it was beautiful in the sunshine. I thought about the weekend and realised that I hadn’t mentioned that Mum and Dad got a personal card from the Queen (aka Lizzie to my Mother!). The card was very fine with a golden tassel, personally signed and much admired!
They are having another party in a fortnight for all their friends and neighbours. I have decided not to go to that one and told my Dad yesterday. He understood.
60 years of marriage is worth celebrating and a card from the Queen!
Talked to a lot of people about loss over the weekend. Consistent messages. It takes time. Do it in your own way. Accept you are grieving. Take your own time. So that’s what I’ll do.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
The 60th Wedding Anniversary weekend
Well I can’t say it wasn’t very emotional because it was.
It was also fantastic to be surrounded by so many members of my family, including the two honorary sisters. My parents are both the youngest and only surviving members of their siblings and both sides of the two families were well represented.
The arrangements all went well – apart from me arriving at the wrong hotel on the Friday evening - panicking myself and the hotel staff by saying ‘What do you mean you have got a group booking for this weekend!’ As I was the one who had found the hotel and done all the arrangements up to the point of Chris’s death it was pretty stupid of me to get the wrong hotel!
The weather was perfect, the hotel was lovely, the dinner was just right including all the speeches and slide shows. Ali made a lovely speech at the beginning about remembering loved ones who weren’t with us – very powerful coming from Michael’s father. Jimmy and me had a good sob but it got it over with. Everyone there was thinking about Chris but all of us had other people to remember .
Being so emotionally raw led to some amazing discussions particularly with the Devon cousins and Evie one of the honorary sisters. Sandy collapsing at the end of the evening and spending the night in hospital added a scary Klimt moment to the proceedings. Today he was fine which is good.
Families have lots of layers and a very special weekend like this one has enabled all of us to understand and appreciate the importance of making time and cherishing our loved ones. My Mum and Dad had a great time which was really, really good.
It was also fantastic to be surrounded by so many members of my family, including the two honorary sisters. My parents are both the youngest and only surviving members of their siblings and both sides of the two families were well represented.
The arrangements all went well – apart from me arriving at the wrong hotel on the Friday evening - panicking myself and the hotel staff by saying ‘What do you mean you have got a group booking for this weekend!’ As I was the one who had found the hotel and done all the arrangements up to the point of Chris’s death it was pretty stupid of me to get the wrong hotel!
The weather was perfect, the hotel was lovely, the dinner was just right including all the speeches and slide shows. Ali made a lovely speech at the beginning about remembering loved ones who weren’t with us – very powerful coming from Michael’s father. Jimmy and me had a good sob but it got it over with. Everyone there was thinking about Chris but all of us had other people to remember .
Being so emotionally raw led to some amazing discussions particularly with the Devon cousins and Evie one of the honorary sisters. Sandy collapsing at the end of the evening and spending the night in hospital added a scary Klimt moment to the proceedings. Today he was fine which is good.
Families have lots of layers and a very special weekend like this one has enabled all of us to understand and appreciate the importance of making time and cherishing our loved ones. My Mum and Dad had a great time which was really, really good.
Friday, November 03, 2006
The walk with Jimmy yesterday was quite hard, as I had chosen to walk next to the Leeds Liverpool canal, which was quite close to the kennels.
We had found canals over 10 years ago and travelling on a narrow boat was the perfect way for Chris to get into the countryside and the pub! Over the years we have had some of best times on canal holidays. Of course Chris being Chris he had his CEVNI - European Code for Inland Waterways, Code Europeen des Voies de la Navigation Interieure! I think my favourite Christmas was the one we spent on a narrow boat – just the five of us – breaking the ice on Boxing Day.
Anyway the walk by the side of the canal was quite emotional and I linked arms with Jimmy and had a good weep. Done a lot of that this week. We then had a pub lunch and took the dog to the kennels – it was strange not going IPWD this morning!
Off now to the 60th Wedding Anniversary weekend.
We had found canals over 10 years ago and travelling on a narrow boat was the perfect way for Chris to get into the countryside and the pub! Over the years we have had some of best times on canal holidays. Of course Chris being Chris he had his CEVNI - European Code for Inland Waterways, Code Europeen des Voies de la Navigation Interieure! I think my favourite Christmas was the one we spent on a narrow boat – just the five of us – breaking the ice on Boxing Day.
Anyway the walk by the side of the canal was quite emotional and I linked arms with Jimmy and had a good weep. Done a lot of that this week. We then had a pub lunch and took the dog to the kennels – it was strange not going IPWD this morning!
Off now to the 60th Wedding Anniversary weekend.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I had managed to wrongly set the time on the new CD/alarm clock and Jim and I overslept this morning. This was as a consequence of Rob and I switching off the electricity on Tuesday to fit a new reading lamp to the wall.
This reminded me of how Chris and I re-wired this house – twenty odd years ago. Chris had A level Physics, the Book of Regulations for England and Wales and I had the step ladder! Still the same wiring, checked out by an electrician when we had the kitchen extension done 10 or so years ago.
I’m doing my best not to be negative, grumpy and anti-social at the moment but not succeeding well. As people keep telling me it’s early days and I will have bad patches.
I’m looking forward to my parents 60th tomorrow but I also think it will be quite hard as the vast majority of our extended family will be there.
Jim has a half day on Thursday and we will take the dog for a walk before putting him in kennels for the weekend. As it’s bonfire night I will ask them to give him several herbal sleeping pills each evening as he goes frantic with the bangs. I have chosen a kennels in the middle on nowhere.
This reminded me of how Chris and I re-wired this house – twenty odd years ago. Chris had A level Physics, the Book of Regulations for England and Wales and I had the step ladder! Still the same wiring, checked out by an electrician when we had the kitchen extension done 10 or so years ago.
I’m doing my best not to be negative, grumpy and anti-social at the moment but not succeeding well. As people keep telling me it’s early days and I will have bad patches.
I’m looking forward to my parents 60th tomorrow but I also think it will be quite hard as the vast majority of our extended family will be there.
Jim has a half day on Thursday and we will take the dog for a walk before putting him in kennels for the weekend. As it’s bonfire night I will ask them to give him several herbal sleeping pills each evening as he goes frantic with the bangs. I have chosen a kennels in the middle on nowhere.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Not brilliant this morning but that’s OK as I was good yesterday.
One of the things I am struggling with is the news/newspaper. I know I have to come out of my cocoon but the world is a profoundly depressing place to re-engage with. My tiny world is sad but I have proved to myself that I can cope with that. However I am finding the real world of Iraq, Global Warming and mass human madness so hard. But I suppose I found a way of living with it before and must do so again.
This morning I finished another book ‘The Little Drummer Girl’ by John Le Carre. It is set in the heart of the Israeli/Palestine conflict and was written in 1983. The year Alex was born. The children born in Palestine, the same year as Alex, are now young people having known nothing but violence all their lives.
Cheerful blogg this one!
One of the things I am struggling with is the news/newspaper. I know I have to come out of my cocoon but the world is a profoundly depressing place to re-engage with. My tiny world is sad but I have proved to myself that I can cope with that. However I am finding the real world of Iraq, Global Warming and mass human madness so hard. But I suppose I found a way of living with it before and must do so again.
This morning I finished another book ‘The Little Drummer Girl’ by John Le Carre. It is set in the heart of the Israeli/Palestine conflict and was written in 1983. The year Alex was born. The children born in Palestine, the same year as Alex, are now young people having known nothing but violence all their lives.
Cheerful blogg this one!
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