letters to my Mum June 28th 2016 to ......

It turned out that the computer at the residential home had not been working and that my Mum had not received all my letters - which she had interpreted that I wan't talking to her. She sounds even more confused and getting mentally frailer. My sister Ann sent a video of my Mum taken at Shakerley Mere yesterday - when I went online this morning I was sent a Facebook Memory which was of me and my Mum walking around Shakerley Mere a year ago today! There are no such things as coincidences.

Another happy and hopefully reassuring letter!

This letter was written in response to messages that I was getting that Mum somehow thought I was unhappy - not quite sure why - but probably linked to me travelling and her maybe seeing something on the news. Though it is a truthful letter - as I am happy in Croatia!

Processing.........

I am at home in Croatia and there is a massive thunderstorm going on - dark clouds and lots of rain, rumbling thunder and flashes of lightning. The air is heavy and oppressive  and it seems to fit my mood - which is uncertain and restless. There were many aspects of the last week which were difficult, taking three days to get to Israel was not what I had planned! Equally I had expected the energy to be polarised and it was. Yesterday I was very emotional and  I reached out to friend who relayed some wise words that she had been told when travelling in Israel. These were - to relate to what I observed and felt, whilst at the same time practicing "being a witness" without letting the energy confuse my system.

I found real comfort in two aspects of this, firstly that I was able to reach out to somebody who understood completely where I was, what a blessing - and secondly to practice being a witness, to be able to have compassion without losing the ability to function - this really resonated and helped me a lot with what I was processing.

I love my life and I particularly love how the right people are always there for me -  they just appear. It is quite extraordinary how I can apparently be on my own, alone - but almost instantly - when needed the perfect person, teacher, friend, soul just appears.

Last night I saw this picture  of a lonely angel in the extraordinary  old town of Sassi, Matera  in Italy, on a friend's Facebook page, and I just loved her serene sadness. It made me think that we are all lonely angels living this life time on our own. However at the same time we are connected to so many others -  as and when we need them. It epitomised the juxtaposition between the lonely angel and my feeling of being able to reach out to find the perfect person there just waiting for me!

Other things happened last night which I also know will lead to many other things. The period of my life with the mantra of taking my time has now almost gone. I am doing things differently, and yes probably more slowly -  however the ideas and realisations are very rapid and I have to catch them and quickly make choices in order to manifest them.

So with lightening flashing and the thunder rumbling I will continue to do whatever it is I do and feel huge gratitude for just being alive........

Letters to my Mum June 11 2016 to June 25th

Having a Chris moment....

.... after nearly ten years I can still miss Chris with a huge ache in the centre of my heart - with a deep tear filled yearning....

But my life is so different now that maybe I am just missing my old life - looking back I had a lovely life - not certain I appreciated it at the time, though I was happy but maybe not consciously happy.....

I have though about Chris so much over the last few days....... maybe because Gilly is staying here in Croatia and she was so very close to me in the early months and years after Chris's death.

I also thought about him when I was in Portugal as I can see a strong resemblance to him in the features of my little grand-daughter Alba.... I also found that very emotional.

Not certain why I am having these Chris moments at this time..... maybe it's because it is going to be 10 years this year and that seems a long time and a sort of milestone.

But maybe it is because I was just so lucky to have an amazing man in my life for 35 years and he was my best friend, my lover, the father of my children and my partner through thick and thin........

..... and yes I still miss Chris and I can still feel his absence in my life.

But I would want him to be proud of the new me, she has been on her own now for ten years and that is a long time..... and she has done brilliantly!!!! Even if today she is just a bit sad - that's OK too!

Thank you Blogg I feel better for this xxxxxx

And I love the fact that Chris sat in this square in 2001 and that Gilly sat in it yesterday.....

Letters to my Mum 4 June 2016 until 9 June 2016

Not knowing and just going......

Yesterday I said good-bye to my Mum and I don't know when I will see her again, or even if I ever will see her again.......

She was as good as she could be, being positive in her world of forgetfulness. Remembering now in holistic chunks rather than in details... being able to have a conversation that one minute later she has no recollection of......

She is deliciously grateful which is special, she appreciated our presence, the sunshine and the moment but is fast losing the context.

I am a bit sad but not too sad, I want her to keep her dignity and her knowledge of her own uniqueness as she slips into the cocoon of her last physical moments. She described herself as a child surrounded by mothers, which was beautifully poignant as that is where she is......

I asked her what mothers most want for their children and she replied "For them to be happy of course." 

I feel very privileged to be living my life - I am just so blessed and I am so aware that I have a responsibility to my Mum .......... to be happy!