Staying at Franja’s in Velenje in Northern Slovenia for a couple of days and then tomorrow I go to Varazdin.I’m not sure how I have got such a wonderful set of friends around the world, but I feel so much at home here it’s strange and wonderful. Last night we booked flights for Franja and Jan – he is so excited -to come to Liverpool for New Year - and we have talked and talked non stop since I arrived.
I was at a conference last week, and went out to dinner on Thursday night in Rotterdam, with someone that I knew, but hadn’t really talked to for over 6 years, and we had one of those magic nights. It started in the restaurant when the waitress asked us if we would like the Chef’s surprise meal and when we replied yes – this amazing dinner started to arrive – each element of which had been created with such care – and was accompanied by a glass of wonderful wine – it went on for course after mini course – and we talked and talked – magic.
I obviously talked about Chris and tried to explain how special he was, as she had never met him. Talking, also made me see how the sudden loss of Chris created such a huge void in my heart and soul – a chasm of emptiness – that sudden loss of the one person that I could talk about anything and everything to. I am only now really beginning to fill the void with friends, some old, some new.
Talking that night made me see more clearly and understood my bereftness - particularly in that first year – I can see that my heart was rattling around alone in a huge empty space! I think these reflections are also as a consequence of seeing the wonderful closeness of Ioanna and Pete as they live through their worst nightmare – their shared love is so visible and so special.
But here I am in Slovenia with Franja, and looking forward to being Renata tomorrow, and hopefully seeing some of my other Varazdin friends. My heart is filling up with love again and it’s wonderful.
This week has been a real roller coaster, starting on Monday morning with the news of Gareth's death, being with Dierdre, Richard, Pauline and Margaret and then being back at work. Going dancing on Monday evening and seriously stomping.
Working and getting stuff done. Not doing well at Spanish on Tuesday. Hector said I was so slow that people wouldn't wait for me to finish what I was saying! Then two evenings of old friends and the recognition of how short our lives are, and how lucky we are to be alive.
Last night, late on, I looked back at my blogg of Chris's funeral as I thought of Ioanna and Pete, and today I am going to their son's funeral.
The loveliest bit of my week was the arrival of a Hayhurst card.
As big things are happening, it is the small things that count.
It’s very late and I’m wide awake – I was out tonight with old friends – sitting round a table talking with people - some I’ve known over 35 years – none I’ve known less than 25 years. Some of whom I see very often – some I haven’t seen for about 18 years. I think all of us found it a bit weird – we talked of everyday things but also of past shared experiences, memories, families – we also talked of people who weren’t there – and young people that some of us have never met.
I was also very mindful tonight, as many of us have been all week, of the death of Ioanna’s son – I told Erica tonight – at the end of the evening - as she had not heard and I wished I hadn’t but knew I had too.
So wide awake – and thinking – not a good combination for one in the morning with work tomorrow. Earlier tonight I wrote Ioanna an email as she had replied to my letter – writing that email also made me think – obviously about Ioanna and Pete and where they are now – but also about Jenny and Alan – where they were 10 years ago - and since.
Thinking about old friends - but in my email to Ioanna I also talked of new friends - and how some people become closer - and some more distant.
So I’m writing my blogg cos my brains spinning and sometimes you just need to tell someone - and I tell my blogg.
I had the office virus this week – it was not bad enough to keep me off work completely – though I did stay at home on Tuesday – and missed dancing Monday evening - but it did made the week a bit of a blur. It’s Sunday morning and still feeling a bit rough – but don’t think I can blame the virus for this one, more the excellent wine I drank at Fiona’s and James last night whilst eating a lovely dinner and putting the world to rights!
Have been trying to practise my Spanish - as Juaquina is staying next weekend, I’ve been working through my Spanish powerpoints of verbs - I've got them changing every 5 seconds now and they have helped me – according to Hector - he said that I have improved a lot this week - when made me seriously chuffed! – but I know I still have a long way to go. I think the Michel Thomas approach has also really helped me as it focuses on looking for patterns in the language rather than rote learning of verbs. It has made me think about ‘learning styles’ and how important it is to recognise your own. I just can’t learn lists – I need to use the words to find a purpose in memorising them – so I go around the house and park etc muttering away to myself – well next weekend I can talk to Juaqui!
Boys coming round later – don’t know what we’ll do – will see what they fancy – I can feel a mantra coming on – how lucky am I!
A week last Friday when I made the Prayer Flags – I also went round the house – asking in every room for the spirit of Chris to ‘leave the house’ – that sounds heavy but it wasn’t – I hadn’t planned it – it just seemed the right thing to do that day. It was part of the process of moving on – a sort of cleansing – acknowledging that the time has come for him to go.
Anyway today I had a roast lamb dinner – Grant, Erica, Jack, Laurie, Perri, Aziz, Jamal, Nita, Gilly, Jim, Rob and me. A lovely dinner – I did the roast lamb with lots of vegetables and Yorkshire puds etc and the Luscombes did three gorgeous puddings. It was in many ways like so many Sunday dinners in this house – but it was also different – in that it was ‘Chris free’ – it wasn’t that we didn’t talk about him, because we did, it wasn’t that we didn’t love him because we all do – it was just that it felt ‘Chris free’.
Two years on is a different place - and did I so enjoyed today’s dinner – it was happy and just lovely – it also really made me recognise that Chris has now gone and after two years we must understand that he has completely gone.
I am the legacy of Chris – he made the woman I am – and I will always love him for that but I must also really understand that I now live my life without him. Profound thoughts after a special Sunday dinner.
It’s ridiculously early on Saturday morning – so early that I have just met Jim going to bed! He was in the front room with Richard and Jack – and I could hear their voices – deep and continuous – and I thought how wonderful it is that Jim has such a great set of mates and even though quite a few have gone away to uni – he has many still here – studying from home. I loved the continuousness of their voices, talking and talking.
Jim’s back at school and finding that a bit lonely – as there is only a handful of them from his original year left. The good thing is he goes to the library and works because he is on his own!
Rob passed his driving test this week – which means I’ll be getting the bus more often – it also makes things a bit easier all round! One of the reasons I’m awake so early is that I went for a pint after work - as I was on the bus – and then went to bed really early as I just couldn’t stay awake – it had been a pretty mad week at work as well!
So I’m in bed with a cup of tea – in the mug with flags of the world – and have just had my morning fix of yoghurt and honey. This is a legacy of my summer – home-made honey from Slovenia and Croatia – gifts from Renata, Ana and Franja and yoghurt from my yoghurt maker – purchased after staying with Tano and Juaquina in Gigon. I’m addicted to yoghurt and honey – it is just so gorgeous as they say in Asturias! They are also very symbolic of my new life and friendships – and if there were two things that Chris, who was not a fussy man, really disliked - they were yoghurt and honey!
I have also got a Spanish tutor Hector and I have made a rolling powerpoint of Spanish verbs which I will now spend time practising before my lovely old dog demands to go to the park – well at least it’s getting light now!
Sue's Dad died on Monday and am so glad I sent them the prayer flags - thinking tonight about them - and other friends - making me recognise how important friends are to me - and have been - all my life - but the last two years in particular.
