A good weekend

Certainly a busy one…dancing on Friday and then in the pub with Rob, Alex home on Saturday - out again on Saturday night – a lovely meal at Sakara's – I really like their food – sandwiched between cocktails and a nightcap at Gilly’s!

A run on Sunday – hard after two late nights but all the better for that – flopped out Sunday afternoon and watched Jimmy’s birthday present the DVD – Ray – which was a film I had wanted to see since Bob recommended it to me. I also read my two Birthday books – Panoramas of the NW from Ann which was lovely – views of so many places I know and a book on British wildlife from Alex – very appropriate for the RSPB bird watch weekend - followed by a game of Bridge with the boys and Sunday tea. A happy weekend – which was good.

I also talked through the counselling for Jim and think I probably am being a bit hard on myself – I felt very bad on Friday that I hadn’t pushed for it before – but maybe we had enough to do before now – and that the time is right now. It is difficult to know what is the right thing to do – but that’s what being a parent is all about!

Anyway a new working week - Renata’s here on Thursday and I’m looking forward to that!

Friday night

This one was like no other Friday.

The day at work was problematic – problems we could solve – but hard in terms of people.

A call from the Learning Mentor at the school who has put Jim forward for counselling from Barnado’s – on reflection - and this has been hard – the acceptance that Jim has grief – but also trauma – finding his Dad in the garden that day was a seriously traumatic thing to have done – and one which he does need to talk through - I feel bad that I didn’t differentiate between his grief of loss and trauma – anyway I am waiting for a call next week from someone who will hopefully enable Jim to have space to talk the two things through.

Four months on a lot of this blogg is about how I am coping and I do feel bad that I haven’t been able to think it through enough from Jim’s point of view. Having typed that I am aware that superficially Jim is doing OK – as am I. It’s a hard business trying to do everything!

Anyway I went dancing tonight – weird and wonderful dancing that involved me crying and dancing – still not certain what kind of dancing it was – but I really enjoyed it – thanks Jan .

After dancing I went to the pub with Rob and a couple of his friends and had a great impassioned discussions about women in history - borderline meaning of life stuff – which was really good.

Makes me think that Friday nights used to be quite mundane!

It's Thursday already!

This has been a much better week – I suspect because it is the week after my birthday!

Felt I could concentrate for longer and got on with things at work. Also at home Jim and I have got a good jog along teatime weekday evenings sorted and the week has flown by – which is a bit of a first!

As I feel more positive I again think that this blogg is a bit self indulgent but that’s also probably a good thing. Still enjoy putting my thoughts down and as I enjoy it – I think I should continue it.

Alex’s coming home this weekend which is nice and going out for a meal on Saturday night with the girls. Don’t know what I’m doing Sunday yet – but don’t feel too worried.

The week after my birthday!

The birthday weekend is now over – thank goodness - it was a bit of a roller coaster –I was surprised because I hadn’t expected it to be – I’m not a big birthday person and thought I could just get on with it.

Friday night was hard - thanks Deirdre and Margaret – I’m glad I was doing something different but I know I wasn’t a bundle of laughs. Saturday a different meal around at my neighbours James and Fiona’s which was lovely - I enjoyed it but again I don’t think I was the life and soul of the party.

Yesterday 18 of us for dinner in the Red Fort – I was more relaxed by Sunday – so it felt more normal – though it was something that I had never done before on my birthday.

I have also become increasingly aware of how my friends have been looking after me these last couple of weeks – the thought that went into my presents –the attention to detail – the ‘little things’ - Chris would have been proud of you all!

Anyway back at work today – interviewing all day – so knackered tonight - hoping that now the birthday week is over I can just be a bit more normal – in the post Chris world that is my normality now. Not a bad place to be but still feeling a bit alien!

My Birthday

In five minutes it will no longer be my birthday – and I am very glad. It has been a really hard day and that doesn’t take anything away from my friends and colleagues who have all been so aware of hard I was going to find today – I think they were more aware than I was – I thought I would just make it another day. But it wasn’t. Kipper did his best to empathise with me by having a reoccurrence of his bowel disorder – thanks Kip – just what I needed!

Have just been out for a meal with Deirdre and Margaret – which was lovely – though I know I was a bit subdued and probably not the best of company - anyway looking at my watch it is now after 12 and no longer my birthday – great!

I am going out for a meal tomorrow/today and again for Sunday lunch – so thanks family and friends – I know you are with me!

Birthdays are weird at the best of times!

Thursdays are better than Tuesdays

Today was a better day - I think Thursdays are better than Tuesdays - I have a serious downer on Tuesdays at the moment! Rob came round and we talked about the work he is having done on his house and Jim and I had Dial-a-Deli kebabs and decided we would get some more from him next time!

Final thought re the Good/Bad Day thing - I do feel very loved - and how lucky is that - I was loved by Chris for 35 years and I continue to feel very loved now - after he has gone - so again how lucky is that - to feel loved is to feel special and that means you can cope with the Bad Days.

Thinking through Good/Bad Days

Back home after a busy evening – went to see my brother-in-law Ali after his operation – he looked good and seems well on the way to recovery – it was lovely to see Ali as I hadn’t seen him since the 60th Wedding Anniversary Weekend. He has had a lot of stress this year as two of his brother-in-law died suddenly – his sister’s husband Aubrey died last February. He said I looked good and I did have a little weep - but as he said it was also another first – first time for me to be back in a hospital – all be it a different one. But the hospital memories were strong tonight.

Thought about the Good Day/Bad Day thing on the drive back and then re-read some of my blogg.

… and what I have got out of this thinking is Good Day/Bad Days are relative.

Today was a Bad Day – I was wobbly at work – struggled to concentrate – but controlled it - still did my job – actually did some good stuff. The Bad Day was relative – I couldn’t have focussed for 20 seconds in the early days and wasn’t really working coherently before Christmas.

… and I also thought that had Chris been around I would still have had a Bad Day at work and struggled to concentrate – I also think that I am much more aware of my state of mind at the moment.

What I do miss is having my safety valve at home – Chris – and I suppose this Bad Day has been building up all week and I haven’t been able to say ‘You know what Chris I’m having a bad week at work this week!’ To which he would have replied ‘Get your priorities right – Newcastle is currently being beaten 3:1 by Birmingham’ – current score as I type!

So where does this get me – I’m doing OK – looking back to where I’ve been - Chris would have been proud of me!

Everyone has Bad Days – particularly in the third week in January and particularly just before their Birthday – so don’t take it personally.

Accept the Bad Days – they will pass – and as Trish said to me today at work. I need to accept that I have a way to go – and as the days get better – the days that are bad shouldn’t be blown out of proportion.

So let’s hope tomorrow is a better day!

Good Days and Bad Days

Many people have said to me that I will have Good Days and Bad Days and it’s true. On the outside I think I’m doing OK but on the inside I am finding this week so hard. Don’t know why – just getting on with my life, my job, my family and my friends. But this week is just hard.

Apparently this is the most depressing week in the year – so that might have something to do with it – or it could be because it’s my birthday on Friday or it could be just be a Bad Day in a Bad Week – and like all the people say – that’s what it’s like!

Anyway – I am writing this blogg at work – which is a first – just struggling to focus on the job in hand. Think I’ll have a cup of tea and maybe play with my new phone for a bit – and maybe after these displacement activities - I’ll feel more like concentrating.

Hope so!

Sorting out Sundays!

Have had a weekend of sorting out holidays and meeting with sisters, cousins and the sister’s sisterhood!

And today was a good Sunday – started with a run IPWD – had a weep as I ran – which was good – people think I’m just running into the wind! - at the end I met neighbour Mike and had a good chat with him – told him about the running weep – and it made me think that I am probably a bit too focused on myself at the moment – which was a good set of thoughts.

Then went for another walk at Hale – walked some of the Mersey Way with Aziz, Jamal and Gilly – we talked about how their Dad Heff had been part of the team which made that walk – which was special.

Then back home and Gilly and I sorted out a roast dinner and watch half the Johnny Cash DVD before and half after. So all in all a good Sunday.

Feeling a bit stiff tonight – as is Kipper – which is not surprising as we have had quite an energetic day!

Friday night - the end of a working week!

Well – a full week at work – and a good week – and a long week - felt much more that I was back to being me. Went out for a drink tonight with Rob and Gilly - Friday night wind down session – discussed what to do with my weekends – Sunday looming – this weekend is boxed off – need to do this systematically until it becomes second nature!

But by and large OK.

Back at work 2

Felt good to be back at work today - like it was me again! - but the best bit of the day was coming home and finding Jim with his books out!

Back at work

Back at work properly today, though I was in on Friday - but today felt good – I’m glad I went back to work before Christmas as it gave me that month to do most of the clearing out, mine sweeping and feeling lost (hopefully) and it did feel like business as normal today!

Have decided I need to do something about Sundays – as I think they are the most difficult day for me now - I still have the run with the dog routine but after that the day drags – Chris and I used to have people round for a meal most Sundays - but recognising a problem is always the most difficult part of solving it – so Sundays will have to change!

Today I took the dog for a walk to the Beech tree and thought about Chris’s Mother. I met her when I was 19 and she was 68. Over the years I grew to love her dearly and I know that she loved me too. She died this time of the year at the end of 1998, at the age of 96. Chris’s Mum was a very extraordinary woman and she contributed much to Chris being the man he was – and he in turn has made me the woman I am – and I hadn’t really thought of this before!

This is a photograph of Granny on her 90th birthday.



I then went for lunch with my Mum, three sisters, Sophie, Becki and Linda. I gave Ann and Jenny matching brooches I had bought at the Lady Lever Gallery jewellery exhibition last week. Then I had my hair cut – Paula’s Mother and brother both died in December so we had good conversation about the meaning of life and matching jewellery!

Think I’ll go and light a fire – and watch the Liverpool match with Alex.

The start of a New Year

Went to the solicitor this morning with Alex, to arrange a deed of variation and a new will for me - had a lovely walk with Jan this afternoon – with two dogs - walked to the Beech Tree – Chris’s ashes are even more obvious after the rain – which was strange but I suppose natural – talked to my sister Ann which was good as we haven’t talked too much since Chris died – planned going out with Gilly on Friday – as I write - Clare is in the air somewhere between here and Australia.

This is how the old year finished – with Aziz, Jamal and Kipper on the beach – blowing a gale but having fun - am feeling very positive at the moment – at the start of a new year and am pleased to feel like this. Back to work on Friday - Alex goes to Cambridge at the weekend – it’s been lovely having him home – not just for me but also for Jimmy and the physics and maths!

Starting to plan ahead – my summer holidays – I always liked to plan them at this time of year – a week in Scotland with Aziz, Jamal and Alex and then we will go visiting – Kipper and me!

Finally got around to reading the Scottish Highlanders book and have been amazed – the book is currently focused on where the writer’s ancestors came from – and have realised that it is the bit that Gilly and I stayed when we were away – right down to the one obscure road we went on – which passed the house we he and his various forefathers/mothers lived - that seems coincidental!

Welcoming in the New Year.

Aziz, Jamal and I welcomed in the New Year together by having a lego fest and watching at least two Lord of the Ring Films – I will see if we have the stamina for the third! Have come into the back room to write a blogg as it is a big battle and they are not my favourite bit of any film.

We toasted Aziz being 13 in 2007, them moving to a new house and our planned holiday in Scotland – 3 good toasts.

Kipper was well doped though still had a shaking fit at midnight with the fireworks but is struggling not to sleep with the coal fire, herbal sleeping pills and a long walk on Formby beach combo!

I now start a new year without Chris – something I could not have foreseen last year. Feel a bit weepy now but will wait till the fighting finishes and then with a big breath return to the lovely company of the two young men in the front room and appreciate how lucky I am.