Glowing....

.. laughing because I am glowing - a 5 day road trip in an open topped convertible has left me with a wonderful glowing feeling - and OK a face that is a bit red too!!

It has been wonderful - I visited Brighton and Devon - staying with family/friends - and it's so lovely because increasingly my friends are my family and my family are my friends............

I also stayed with small boys and chickens - and thoroughly enjoyed both..... encouraged boys to play Dukes of Hazards over the back seat of the convertible - doesn't everyone want to do that! and collected eggs - then turned geese and duck eggs and 'candled' them - and gained a wonderful insight into the love and care of animals - special.

I also went to a Hen Party (haha) in a teenybopper club in Torquay, swam (briefly and with a lot of screaming) in the freezing cold sea and had lots and lots and lots of wonderful conversations................

So back home with lots of photographs of boys and chickens and glowing with happiness.

Today I had a long drive - but it was so good - the sun was shining and I chose to go through the Welsh/English border on smaller roads rather than the motorway.... and the trees and countryside was just so green, wild flowers everywhere, the beauty of our Earth is just so amazing - OK an open topped car does bring you closer to it!! - but it was truly, truly beautiful........

reflecting more on pain...........

... so I finished my blogg and switched off my computer and was just settling in to go to bed.. when for some reason I decided to read it on my phone - technology!!!! When I did - I felt I needed to continue with the blogg!

What I reflected on was pain - individual and also collective pain - the pain of all of us - I also thought about how we as human beings can feel this pain...... and to do so is our humanity.

So to feel pain is to be human.. (recognising that animals also feel pain)... but that we can take it to an art form! To be human is to have the potential to be creative ... and that includes being so horribly creative with our pain... and the shit we throw at ourselves! OK profound thoughts over - now it's time to go to bed!

A lovely evening of laughing............

............I do laugh a lot, which is a very wonderful thing to be able to say... but I do! There is a thing that 'you get back - what you give' - I don't know about whole lifetimes but on a day to day basis this seems to be true to me. If you go through life grumpy and miserable, nothing makes you happy - but if you laugh - people around you laugh and smile - you get laughter and smiles back.

I think a lot about Chris... all the time really... and how he lived with pain, excruciating pain, there were several levels of this and I know I have written about it my blogg before... but he lived with pain.. putting on two big heavy artificial legs everyday - like wearing an enormous pair of shoes that rub your feet raw, but that he needed to walk with - so every step was painful.... and then neuralgia, constant nerve pain, sometime acute... and acute for days, weeks and even months.... fierce, sharp, knife twisting pain,... that racked his legs night after night..................looking back my eyes fill up with tears of compassion... my beautiful man LIVED WITH PAIN......................... but you know what he NEVER EVER COMPLAINED!!!

Didn't make him a saint but it did make him the most extraordinary teacher.

That's interesting I've just had a beautiful evening - improvised theatre - which I joined in - followed by a quick wizz in the BMW - with the roof down - of course - to take a lovely dancer home - and a lot of laughter - mainly when standing upside down!! So joyful and fun - loved and loving - then I write about Chris's pain... I suppose that's what's life's about - laughing, loving, giving and receiving and having compassion for those of us in pain......... which of course at sometime is all of us - but not complaining!!

Boy I'm blessed!!!!

Not knowing ... but knowing.....

Know I'm not the only one who's living with this huge sense of knowing ... yet not knowing! I think we all probably are - and we just have to accept that we know and that we also don't know... bottom line 'what will be - will be' - sounds like a song title!!

I am loving being me at the moment.... I am truly joyful and I am especially liking, and enjoying, the small and beautiful shared recognition of happiness which occur when you catch eye contact and share a wonderful smiling beam of shared joy.... with a total stranger... who of course is not!

It's Thursday evening and I have just been shopping with Becki, so proud of her... we of course went in the BMW with the roof down..........I am just enjoying the car so much - it just makes me laugh and driving with the roof down - laughing - I just get welcomed into other people's worlds, they let me in at junctions, smile, wave, motorcyclists shimmy their leather clad bottoms and I am greeted - and it is just so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talked about it last night with an old friend... I think because I am happy, joyful in my beautiful car, happy and enjoying life... people recognise this and respond.... wonderfully... I think this is also true of the shared beaming smiles... I'm living happiness and so that's what I get back.... I do notice that when it happens - it is given with great pleasure, the eyes say .... I recognise you and we connect..... wow!!!!

So another day at work and a weekend of birthdays, music, theatre and family........ wow wow wow - how blessed and happy am I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joyful - feeling lighter (but also still a bit bonkers!)

Just back from Amsterdam - it's funny how normal this feels...... I had very busy time but good - can see/feel things moving on - they have been a bit stuck for the last few weeks, but lots of wonderful shifts have occurred and the changes feel beautiful - and accelerating!!

Loving the technology of all these connections, the ability to communicate in so many, subtle ways - with people around the world: face to face, Skype, emails, texts and the short - touch base - 1:1, 1:subset of people - known and unknown - but all communications - ... including via this blogg... we now have the ability to make connections, at so many levels, so easily, globally!!!! Truly extra-ordinarily wonderful...................

Amsterdam is a special city for me ... went for the first time as a child 9/10ish (I think) can remember a museum full of 'Old Masters' big and dark, and my Dad driving - with a bit of difficulty/argument - from a back seat child's point of view... fleeting memories.

Then many a happy weekend/few days with Chris - including his 50th birthday and the starting point for our back- packing holidays so special, good times.... happy, happy memories.....

Then on top of this over 10 years of Trio students/staff study tours and summer schools....... huge learning experiences for both them and me! The legacy of all this is sound, not always easy but good learning... and all in a wonderful and I think truly bonkers city! Felt a new understanding of the city over the last few days... as I was there working with such an increased depth of knowledge - in so many way!!

Spring.... a time of awakening!

Earlier this evening Jimmy and I went for a walk after a Sunday dinner and admired the million of beautiful daffodils nodding in Sefton Park. They are wonderful - a Field of Hope - planted years ago as part of a Marie Curie Cancer research campaign - can't remember exactly when but within my children's lifetime - by the local community and schools etc and now a real springtime feature of Liverpool ... and I can see them from my window this year!

It has been a weekend of spring flowers. Yesterday I had discussions in Krakow about magnolias - their budding, flowering and petal fall - across Europe........... Portugal well fallen, Poland see photo and Romania not yet visibly budding.


Then Jim and I had a Skype chat with Rob - who was on his laptop in a bar in Varazdin, it ended up very communal with us talking to the guy who runs the bar with an audience!!!

So I get back from Poland this afternoon and whilst the dinner is cooking, Jim and I companionably chat to Rob in Croatia - and his friends!! The technology and pace of global communication is truly extraordinary...... and we talked about magnolias.. and their role as heralds of spring... it has never occurred to me before this weekend that they do this anywhere but in my world - Liverpool!

So this spring, with beautiful Polish magnolias, we officially constituted EUCU.net. A group of us, 20-30 people from 11 countries representing over 73,000 children - recognising our shared commitment and passion. Wonderful, inspiring ideas becoming reality..... doing what we have to do, recognising that we are also a growing family. So we did, what we did with love and much laughter..... beautiful companionable, joyful laughter... several people had brought partners and children and their presence was also lovely, family......

Then I come home to my Liverpool family... spending some time at Chris's Beech Tree - as I felt a strong need to do that. I remembered Chris a lot in Krakow - through talking about us going there in 2000 as part of the 'back-packing' holiday - but also by talking about him in 'going deeper' conversations with people who know me, but don't know my history... all part of new family building.

Back to magnolias - I said to Jim earlier that I had my first big feeling of loss about moving from Cheltenham Avenue when I realised that I would miss the magnolia in the front garden. We had planted it above where we buried Beryl the dog - a lovely tree which has been growing over many years - just realised probably over 16 years - I still think of it as a sapling! But this year I will not wake up with a special Magnolia outside my window - but this year I wake every morning with a million daffodils and a growing understanding of the magnolias around the world ......heralding our shared spring.... wow still blessed and still waking up!!!!