I got back tonight late after not getting the job. Feel pretty jaded but strangely not because I didn’t get it - I sat in the middle of the interview thinking - I don’t really want to do the sorts of things they were asking me about - and dinner later on confirmed my gut feeling - but what the whole process has left me with is a strong sense of - Well – what do you want to do then!
I had seen the post as an opportunity for me to do more of the things I am committed to doing but in a bigger setting – but the actual job wouldn’t have been that. I’ve had a lot of time to think today – as I had to stay over to Friday as the successful candidate attended a board meeting today – so I had booked on a late flight the day after the interview. I finally heard at 10 this morning, that I hadn’t got the job so I went to Amsterdam - tried to buy a new outfit for Sophie’s wedding but ended up walking/tramming miles and thinking about things.
I also must have passed almost every hotel/restaurant/memorable Chris location in Amsterdam – it was that sort of day - we went quite a few times just Chris and I, but also with the boys and friends including 17 of us for Chris’s 50th Birthday.
So a long - and in many ways - a boring day – but a day when I didn’t get a job but also one which has made me quite glad that I didn’t get it – but a day that also gave me a lot of time to think about what do I want to do now. I also had a wonderful book that I had bought in the aiport on the way out - about India - it gave me the best bits of my day.
Back home – in my own bed – with a glass of wine, a large camomile tea AND a hot water bottle – I am so very happy to be home – I’m glad I applied for the post – I think that as a widow of 18 months – to have made a realistic application is a pretty good mind set – I’m genuinely glad I didn’t get it because I don’t think it would have been right for me – BUT it has raised the big question – one which all of us face - but circumstances make us comfortable and so we don’t address it – what am I going to do with the rest of my life?
Anyway got home – Jim’s round at Joe’s – pile of letters including a string of Nepalese prayer flags from my sister Jenny – I will put them on a pole in the garden - that's a good thing to do.
Feeling happy - a combination of blogging my thoughts and being comfortably at home – the epicentre of my life/world - doesn't answer the question of what I'm going to do with the rest of my life - but makes me appreciate what I have got!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Easter Saturday
Easter is always a funny holiday with a bank holiday on the Friday – but this year it seems very weird – as it's just so early. I had intended to take the boys away for a few days – but just never got round to organising it – and then Easter arrived!
Glad of a few days off though. Things at work still a real mess, in terms of the move, with the furniture order and delivery being completely shambolic. The actual work is good and busy, though the building being such a mess is starting to get at me - and the rest of the team I think – they have had to deliver big sets of activities – like summer schools – working out of it. They are a great team though – I had a visitor the other day and we were talking about who was in the team, and how they’d got there etc – and it made me really recognise the fact, that they are a pretty unique set of people. I suppose that’s one of the major reasons that I love my job – because of them. Another how lucky moment!
Got my interview on Thursday and I am feeling quite nervous – not about the interview itself - but about what happens if I do get it - as it will be my first big change since Chris died. It wouldn’t involve leaving my current job as it would be part-time but it would be a new big thing for me.
I am trying to be very rational about whether I get it or not. I know that there are two of us being interviewed and that I’m not the no 1 candidate – and I know to get the post I will have to convince them that the organisation needs to change – so if I do get it then they want change – i.e. me and I’ll be pleased and excited – and if I don’t get it - it means they don’t want change and therefore it wont be me and I will pleased not have got the job!
So I shall now try not to think about it until Wednesday!
Alex’s is home so Jim will have another few days of Physics and I’m knitting Lara a hat – am making loads of hats at the moment – Gilly round for tea tonight and then a load tomorrow for Sophie’s 21st dinner and then walking on Monday with the boys and the Heyhursts – hope the weather’s a bit better for Monday – and I want to get back in time to dance. I have just booked a weeks dancing in Spain in June – and am really excited about the prospect. Dancing is a really big thing in my life at the moment – it’s my focus and also the time when I stop thinking – it’s that kind of dancing!
I’m increasingly feeling happy which is a good feeling. I was talking about it to Stella last night over a curry – how my brain/heart had a lot of connections to Chris which were suddenly and overnight cut. I haven’t lost any of these connections to things in the past - as those only now exist in the past but I did lose all the current connections. Over time I’ve made new connections to different things and people – and as my brain/heart builds up connections – it is increasingly making me feel happy. Makes sense to me!
Glad of a few days off though. Things at work still a real mess, in terms of the move, with the furniture order and delivery being completely shambolic. The actual work is good and busy, though the building being such a mess is starting to get at me - and the rest of the team I think – they have had to deliver big sets of activities – like summer schools – working out of it. They are a great team though – I had a visitor the other day and we were talking about who was in the team, and how they’d got there etc – and it made me really recognise the fact, that they are a pretty unique set of people. I suppose that’s one of the major reasons that I love my job – because of them. Another how lucky moment!
Got my interview on Thursday and I am feeling quite nervous – not about the interview itself - but about what happens if I do get it - as it will be my first big change since Chris died. It wouldn’t involve leaving my current job as it would be part-time but it would be a new big thing for me.
I am trying to be very rational about whether I get it or not. I know that there are two of us being interviewed and that I’m not the no 1 candidate – and I know to get the post I will have to convince them that the organisation needs to change – so if I do get it then they want change – i.e. me and I’ll be pleased and excited – and if I don’t get it - it means they don’t want change and therefore it wont be me and I will pleased not have got the job!
So I shall now try not to think about it until Wednesday!
Alex’s is home so Jim will have another few days of Physics and I’m knitting Lara a hat – am making loads of hats at the moment – Gilly round for tea tonight and then a load tomorrow for Sophie’s 21st dinner and then walking on Monday with the boys and the Heyhursts – hope the weather’s a bit better for Monday – and I want to get back in time to dance. I have just booked a weeks dancing in Spain in June – and am really excited about the prospect. Dancing is a really big thing in my life at the moment – it’s my focus and also the time when I stop thinking – it’s that kind of dancing!
I’m increasingly feeling happy which is a good feeling. I was talking about it to Stella last night over a curry – how my brain/heart had a lot of connections to Chris which were suddenly and overnight cut. I haven’t lost any of these connections to things in the past - as those only now exist in the past but I did lose all the current connections. Over time I’ve made new connections to different things and people – and as my brain/heart builds up connections – it is increasingly making me feel happy. Makes sense to me!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Another week flies by.............
It’s Saturday morning and I’m still in bed – don’t feel as stressed, just hung over, went round to Deirdre’s last night and then met Les, Sophie and Fiona in Estabans – so it was like two lots of wine drinking in one night! Decided last night that I had been really stressed last weekend – the lack of sleep through waking ridiculously early didn’t help - so even though I feel a bit rough this morning – do feel less stressed - talking helps. It was very good talking to Deirdre last night – her father has just died suddenly – so we went deep.
Going to pick the boys up this morning as they’re staying tonight as Peri is rehearsing – going for a walk tomorrow – but nothing else planned – feeling a bit lazy but I can hear the dog barking - time to get up!
Going to pick the boys up this morning as they’re staying tonight as Peri is rehearsing – going for a walk tomorrow – but nothing else planned – feeling a bit lazy but I can hear the dog barking - time to get up!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Stress!
As I ran through the park yesterday morning - I decided I am feeling stressed at the moment!
The move at work has been extremely shambolic - despite the best efforts of Debbie and the rest of the team - and much harder than I anticipated – three weeks which have given me tangible proof that Chris was right - attention to the little things in life is so important!
A busy ‘boy friendly’ weekend with Gilly round on Saturday night – writing my ‘Strategy’ for the interview in a fortnight - and continuing to put Chris’s music onto the computer and the fun bit - selecting two playlists of music for dancing tonight!
I have decided I’m stressed because I keep waking up ridiculously early – sometimes I start working and other times listen to music – but just not getting back to sleep. Have decided am not worried about being stressed but am glad I have recognised it.
The move at work has been extremely shambolic - despite the best efforts of Debbie and the rest of the team - and much harder than I anticipated – three weeks which have given me tangible proof that Chris was right - attention to the little things in life is so important!
A busy ‘boy friendly’ weekend with Gilly round on Saturday night – writing my ‘Strategy’ for the interview in a fortnight - and continuing to put Chris’s music onto the computer and the fun bit - selecting two playlists of music for dancing tonight!
I have decided I’m stressed because I keep waking up ridiculously early – sometimes I start working and other times listen to music – but just not getting back to sleep. Have decided am not worried about being stressed but am glad I have recognised it.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Visible confidence!
I just wanted to tell my blogg - and anyone else who might be remotely interested that Jim got an A in his History mock AS exam - he also just passed his Maths and Physics. Given that the school wanted him to leave in December and he hadn't got more than 10% in any exam since he did his GCSEs - he has done so well - and it's all about confidence.
Going back to school after his Dad died - and then struggling to concentrate - his lack of achievement being constantly reinforced by test failure - just knocked the stuffing out of him. Going back last September with a temporary and un-sustained positivity just led to a crumbling of his self-belief. It has been hard to know how to support him -and I have really struggled with it - but with the help of his brothers, and a post grad maths Student Tutor - he has turned it round - he confidence has been visibly lifted!
Given the job that I do - seeing at first hand how the lack of confidence can have such major impact - has made me think - but from a Mum's point of view it's lovely to see my gorgeous boy blossom!
Going back to school after his Dad died - and then struggling to concentrate - his lack of achievement being constantly reinforced by test failure - just knocked the stuffing out of him. Going back last September with a temporary and un-sustained positivity just led to a crumbling of his self-belief. It has been hard to know how to support him -and I have really struggled with it - but with the help of his brothers, and a post grad maths Student Tutor - he has turned it round - he confidence has been visibly lifted!
Given the job that I do - seeing at first hand how the lack of confidence can have such major impact - has made me think - but from a Mum's point of view it's lovely to see my gorgeous boy blossom!
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Still moving on but now with music!
Another busy week, our second in the new building but it's still a real mess. Too busy to have any profound thoughts - but maybe that's an indication that things are OK!
Have been downloading Chris's CDs of music onto the extra hard disc that Rob put on the computer. It's going to be a long process as they are all currently just Track 1,2,3 etc and I'm typing in the track and artist before downloading. But I think it's important - I would hate for the CDs to get lost or unusable for any reason and not to have a copy of them.
I'm also starting to remix my own CDs, at the moment only for dancing, but once I have them all on the computer - I'll be able to make my own playlists and CDs - I'm look forward to doing that. But they will be my compilations with some of Chris's, some of Jimmy's, Hannah's - so my music!
As the perceived non musical member of this family - I'm happy to be making my own choices and preferences. Couldn't have done it without Chris - but I suppose that's the story of my life!
Have been downloading Chris's CDs of music onto the extra hard disc that Rob put on the computer. It's going to be a long process as they are all currently just Track 1,2,3 etc and I'm typing in the track and artist before downloading. But I think it's important - I would hate for the CDs to get lost or unusable for any reason and not to have a copy of them.
I'm also starting to remix my own CDs, at the moment only for dancing, but once I have them all on the computer - I'll be able to make my own playlists and CDs - I'm look forward to doing that. But they will be my compilations with some of Chris's, some of Jimmy's, Hannah's - so my music!
As the perceived non musical member of this family - I'm happy to be making my own choices and preferences. Couldn't have done it without Chris - but I suppose that's the story of my life!
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