Post counselling weekend

Well – a bit of a roller-coaster – but several good things have come from it.

Jim and I have talked and decided that we do not want counselling – I feel good that I went along that route - so now Jim and I both know he had a choice and making that decision made on knowledge is good. I also am reassured that when asked by the counsellors he does not have flash backs or bad dreams

We also talked about school - he is not revising well – he has mock ASs next week – and it is now out in the open that although he has put the time in – he is spending a lot of this just staring at blank pieces of paper and feeling lost. To have talked about that is good – we also discussed the options – if he doesn’t do well this year he can just resit the year – and Jim also told me that he is worried about me when he does leave to go to University – so good talking.

I feel OK tonight and am reassured that when you need someone to talk to they are there – so meeting Anne in Tescos was also really good – how many times have I been to Tescos and how many times I have I met Anne – can’t recall ever having done so – but yesterday I did!

Also Fiona came round today and we talked which was also good. I told her about where I am in my head – and I haven’t done that for a long time. She also talked about some of her reality.

IPWD – when I have my best thinking – I thought through my current thinking about bereavement – and this is what the counsellors didn’t seem to understand is – that Jim and I (and Alex and Rob) are living through our loss with the extra-ordinary knowledge that Chris gave us.

Chris has gone – increasingly my day to day life is lived with this knowledge – so when I feel down I have asked myself ‘What does this mean?’ I am very clear about what it does not mean - it does not mean me feeling sorry for myself – I have no right to be sorry for myself as I am such a lucky and privileged person. It does mean that I can ‘protect’ myself by making certain choices about how I live my life and operate at work etc – but the bottom line is I have no right to feel sorry for myself.

Anne said I am hard on myself – and I probably am – but I lived for over 30 years with a man who was hard on himself – though not on me – and I feel very strongly that I now have to do what I have to do.

So Monday tomorrow – busy week – Doug and Susan next weekend – I’m looking forward to that – and how lucky am I – a house full of boys this weekend with Aziz and Jamal – had a lovely walk in Calderstones park – bird spotting – Aziz and I spotted quite a few and then when we arrived back home – a sparrow hawk circling my house! Chris told me he saw one once from the back garden.

Counselling

Jim and I went to the counsellors this afternoon – don’t know what I expected and don’t really know what happened. Well we talked to two very nice women for an hour – though I talked and Jim said very little and we both had a weep. They are going to send us some form of proposal re possible future support.

My only problem was that they gave me the impression – or at least I ‘heard’ that there seems to be a grieving process that needs to be gone through – I think I know that - but the message I got was that there are no short-cuts – you have to go through the whole thing.

Whereas I feel we are doing really well – all be it two steps forward and one back – as can be seen in this blogg – we are taking great steps forward – and I want to go forward – to live my new life – my post Chris life - and I really feel that I want to get on with that now - I have always been an impatient person!

I want to get on with my life – I felt from today that they thought I should be grieving more – I get this at work too – I have met a couple of people over the last 2/3 weeks who seem to want to see me cry – to be visibly showing my bereavement!

I feel Chris’s death - all the time – all day - every day – but I want to be Tricia – I don’t want – and don’t think Chris would want me to be – a miserable backward looking person. When I tried to explain that today – and talked about how Chris had lived his life – they talked about him grieving for the loss of his legs – perhaps if you are a bereavement counsellor you put everything in those terms.

My reading of it is - and I lived with Chris for over 30 years - is that he didn’t live his life grieving the loss of his legs – he just got on with his life – my most powerful memory of Chris - and one which I cherished through our life together and loved after his death – is the fact that he never lived his life with ‘I wish’ … he never said once ‘I wish I could … play football with the boys… swim, climb that mountain… walk to the pub.... he just got on with his life. And he had a much fuller life that most able bodied people.

Anyway after this - Jim and I had a very good tea of halibut – I have not cooked fish much as that was Chris’s speciality. We talked a bit and we laughed about how much better we are coping with the day to day – the early days were so hard and full of bereavement cooking disasters!

So we are now 5 months on - and yes that is early days – but we are doing good – we are both finding our way through this – but I don’t want to counselling to take us back – but perhaps that's what they are supposed to do – anyway I will do my best to let Jim make choices about if he takes it further.

Having read this – I think I’m being a bit defensive about counselling – does this mean I/we need it – or perhaps that I/we don’t!

feeling better

Woke up feeling better in myself – about time! - then had good day – with my family. Went to Jenny’s and had a walk - then lunch – walk being a typical Stevenson walk – i.e.. 5 miles around Alsager!

Really enjoyed and appreciated two conversations – one with my nephew Dan – very special young man – and one whom I feel very close to – being there for him when Michael died - and knowing how he feels for me – makes our conversations deep and important.

Then another conversation with my sister Jenny – walking a route that she walked a lot when Michael had just died – to loose a son - as she did when he was only 19 – makes me feel that my loss – though massive is less – Jenny didn’t agree which made me love her more.

But to talk about life and death is so important – we also discussed about how people we love don’t face the reality of living – i.e. life is lived with knowledge of death – Chris lived his life with the knowledge of death from the age of 13 – he was borderline death for a month and then lived with pain – I just feel so fortunate to have lived so close to his knowledge.

I have so much time for the Reads – their world was so totally devastated by Michael’s death and yet they are so lovely and so there – when we need them – thank you Reads – the Jenkins know this!

Friday night

And I should have gone out tonight but the cold has caught up with me – so Kip and I are home together listening to Question Time on Radio 4 - feel I would have preferred to be out!

Am having trouble differentiating between being down with my cold or just being down – so I expect it’s a mixture of both things. I also think that my ‘downs’ will be greater at the moment - I’m usually a very positive person and just wish I could find my positiveness - I also think I need to count my blessings and appreciate what I have got – that usually works.

So being positive - it’s Friday night – I’m going walking with my sisters tomorrow with Rob and lunch at Jenny’s – not certain about Sunday – but there’s lots of things I could do. It’s not really working so I think I will put on my electric blanket and just have another early night and see if I can shake my cold off!

Miserable blogg

Well I feel truly miserable and sorry for myself tonight – but I know it’s because it’s my turn to have the sore throat, yucky virus that Jim and half of work had/have.

It’s also another first – the first time I’ve been feeling poorly without a Chris to have a moan at!

What really made me upset was this morning when I went into work and I met someone in the lift – I was feeling pretty shitty and they said – ‘Oh I can hear you‘ve got a bad throat’. It was true my voice was croaky but what made me upset was – that they were the first person I had talked to – big tears now – really milking this one blogg! - but with Jim was on half term and still in bed - I hadn’t met Mike IPWD - it just made me so aware that I had no Chris to have a morning conversation with.

So am feeling sorry for myself – but that’s very natural when you feel bad – but feel better for writing my blogg – this is the substitute for going on at Chris – who probably wouldn’t have appreciated me feeling rough – he always said I was a horrible invalid – ‘cos I fought being one! So an early night and I am sure like Jim I’ll be on much better form in a day or two.

Feel better already for having told someone – my blogg!

Sad songs that made me happy

A week has gone by since last blogg – shows how busy I’m getting - Jimmy was ill – he had a sore throat and temperature – still got a cough but he’s a lot better now and out playing cricket with his mates and Rob. Jimmy loves cricket.

Had the boys for the weekend – we cooked yesterday and Jamal made green sponge cakes with white chocolate and marshmallows on top – tasted delicious, if you didn’t look too closely and Aziz made chocolate brownies which were really good though he decided he didn’t like nuts in cakes after he had put nuts in! Gilly came round for tea last night and we had soup and cakes, we then drank wine and put the world to rights whilst the boys watched Pirates of the Caribbean.

IPWD running this morning - Peri gave me a pedometer for Christmas and I like being able to clock how far I’ve run – which I do in kilometres as you get more for your effort than miles!

My MP3 player is set on random and the music is always a surprise – today I had several sad songs including Madeleine Peyroux – ‘You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go’ – Jimmy gave me her CD for my birthday and I struggled with this song then – as it was one of Chris’s favourites – but as I ran it came on my MP3 player and it was OK – and the park was beautiful, with snowdrops and lots of birds so I was happy – which was good.

Then Rob took the boys to the museum and I went to the Walker – and now I’m doing my blogg and then going to cook some tea.

So a full weekend – some elements similar to before but sufficient differences - and it’s good to feel happy – I suppose that's what we all want to do .

Thinking about Chris

I don’t say it in the blogg – and I suppose it’s pretty obvious – but I think about Chris a lot.

I don’t think - I wish you were here – but I do think – You would have enjoyed this – You would have found this funny.

This morning Renata and I went IPWD and we went to the Beech tree and we talked. I like the Beech tree - it’s good to have a focus point to go to.

This is Renata and Kipper at the bench where Chris used to sit when he was IPWD and from where he would text me when I was in Varazdin or wherever - and again it's good to have a point of connection.



We then walked around the park which was beautiful and cold and talked about all sorts of things, returning to cook the Mexican lunch – which Chris would have hated – he just never liked Mexican food!

Then we played Newmarket which Renata won and the boys enjoyed – Jamal walking straight into Jim’s cons!



After everyone left - Jim and I have had a long evening - we don't usually do lunch!

I have been thinking about Chris and particularly the pain that he lived with. I decided I was glad that he no longer lives with that pain – and my conversations with Renata reinforced my belief that Chris went at the right time for him.

Which is why I don’t wish he was here. I do miss him all the time - but I also know I'm so lucky - and although I don't know what my future holds - I treasure and appreciate my life so far.

The weekend flies by.....

A busy week after a busy weekend – and another busy weekend - lots of exciting things happening at work which is good and Renata arriving on Thursday was lovely. She did get her EU Tempest study tour bid – only one of three who did – so will be coming back for three weeks in June.

I was in London yesterday but the Team kept her fully occupied for the day – my train was late – cables down beyond Crewe - so I had a frustrating journey via Chester and every stop between there and Liverpool – but finally got home and met her in the Everyman with Paul and his friend John the monk.

Renata said she would like to see Wales so we did some shopping and then went and climbed Moel Famau – it was the most amazing beautiful day – the sky was deep deep blue and we really enjoyed our walk – as did Kipper! It was very foggy in Liverpool all day and from the top of Moel Famau we could see the fog and on the top of it - a series of horrible streaky brown layers!

Off to Lark Lane tonight and Rob, Aziz and Jamal are coming round for lunch tomorrow – making guacamole as 12 avocado pears for a £1 – are taking a lot of eating up!