10th Anniversary..........

I'm wide awake in the early hours of the morning and I am very aware that it is 10 years to the day and the time that Chris died.

I was asked yesterday if I was going to do anything special to recognise the day and I replied probably not.... but then I realised that I have been so very aware that the day was coming that I have been recognising it for a long time.... maybe for ten years........

And for ten years I have lived my life with the knowledge of Chris's death and with some kind of understanding of his death, though at the moment I feel I can understand his death better than I can understand his life - or my own........

The purpose of life is a mystery.

I can sometimes see with great clarity that my soul has incarnated into this body, this lifetime.... to learn..... I can feel this, see this, witness the learning and feel great joy and certainty....... but there are other times that I struggle.......

Ten years is a long time........ and my life has totally changed during this time...... and I have changed during this time.

Five years ago today my Father was at the point of death and today my Mother is getting close to the end of her life.

But the ten years have been rich years, full of learning, happiness and of course some heartbreak....

And during these the years have grown, I have flown, I have loved, I have danced, I have laughed, I have cried, I have learnt........ and I have been ALIVE!!!!!!

Sometimes wonderfully alive, sometimes happily alive, sometimes day to day alive but most times consciously alive....... grateful, appreciative, recognising the blessing of life and being thankful.

But do I feel that I understand what it means to be alive?...... then I have to say no.

I am conscious that every breath is precious, that my body is an amazing gift, that to be alive is to be treasured and that I have a responsibility to recognise this and to cherish my life and to............ and this is the question to do what?

Beyond being grateful and appreciative..... beyond being caring and loving, and seeking to find the truth in the day to day.... what does being alive mean?

Of course the answer is to learn............

My learning over the last ten years has been beautiful, hard, challenging and sometimes crystalline in its clarity. I have learnt about myself, others and the world and I have also been able to see that my individual learning is a drop in the learning of the Universe.

I can feel this knowledge, I can write this and I can speak this knowledge.

So maybe my purpose is just to continue to learn, without needing to know the purpose of the knowledge - maybe I need to understand nothing more than my drop of knowledge is important to the Universe.

So my Lovely Chris - for ten years I have missed you,  felt your absence in my life,  learnt to live without you...... and as I recognise that this is the moment that you died ten years ago, I cry.... tears of love.... and through my tears I smile and say thank-you. I did love you very much, we had amazing children together and thirty five years of LIFE together. And I continue to live.............

letters to my Mum June 28th 2016 to ......

It turned out that the computer at the residential home had not been working and that my Mum had not received all my letters - which she had interpreted that I wan't talking to her. She sounds even more confused and getting mentally frailer. My sister Ann sent a video of my Mum taken at Shakerley Mere yesterday - when I went online this morning I was sent a Facebook Memory which was of me and my Mum walking around Shakerley Mere a year ago today! There are no such things as coincidences.

Another happy and hopefully reassuring letter!

This letter was written in response to messages that I was getting that Mum somehow thought I was unhappy - not quite sure why - but probably linked to me travelling and her maybe seeing something on the news. Though it is a truthful letter - as I am happy in Croatia!

Processing.........

I am at home in Croatia and there is a massive thunderstorm going on - dark clouds and lots of rain, rumbling thunder and flashes of lightning. The air is heavy and oppressive  and it seems to fit my mood - which is uncertain and restless. There were many aspects of the last week which were difficult, taking three days to get to Israel was not what I had planned! Equally I had expected the energy to be polarised and it was. Yesterday I was very emotional and  I reached out to friend who relayed some wise words that she had been told when travelling in Israel. These were - to relate to what I observed and felt, whilst at the same time practicing "being a witness" without letting the energy confuse my system.

I found real comfort in two aspects of this, firstly that I was able to reach out to somebody who understood completely where I was, what a blessing - and secondly to practice being a witness, to be able to have compassion without losing the ability to function - this really resonated and helped me a lot with what I was processing.

I love my life and I particularly love how the right people are always there for me -  they just appear. It is quite extraordinary how I can apparently be on my own, alone - but almost instantly - when needed the perfect person, teacher, friend, soul just appears.

Last night I saw this picture  of a lonely angel in the extraordinary  old town of Sassi, Matera  in Italy, on a friend's Facebook page, and I just loved her serene sadness. It made me think that we are all lonely angels living this life time on our own. However at the same time we are connected to so many others -  as and when we need them. It epitomised the juxtaposition between the lonely angel and my feeling of being able to reach out to find the perfect person there just waiting for me!

Other things happened last night which I also know will lead to many other things. The period of my life with the mantra of taking my time has now almost gone. I am doing things differently, and yes probably more slowly -  however the ideas and realisations are very rapid and I have to catch them and quickly make choices in order to manifest them.

So with lightening flashing and the thunder rumbling I will continue to do whatever it is I do and feel huge gratitude for just being alive........

Letters to my Mum June 11 2016 to June 25th

Having a Chris moment....

.... after nearly ten years I can still miss Chris with a huge ache in the centre of my heart - with a deep tear filled yearning....

But my life is so different now that maybe I am just missing my old life - looking back I had a lovely life - not certain I appreciated it at the time, though I was happy but maybe not consciously happy.....

I have though about Chris so much over the last few days....... maybe because Gilly is staying here in Croatia and she was so very close to me in the early months and years after Chris's death.

I also thought about him when I was in Portugal as I can see a strong resemblance to him in the features of my little grand-daughter Alba.... I also found that very emotional.

Not certain why I am having these Chris moments at this time..... maybe it's because it is going to be 10 years this year and that seems a long time and a sort of milestone.

But maybe it is because I was just so lucky to have an amazing man in my life for 35 years and he was my best friend, my lover, the father of my children and my partner through thick and thin........

..... and yes I still miss Chris and I can still feel his absence in my life.

But I would want him to be proud of the new me, she has been on her own now for ten years and that is a long time..... and she has done brilliantly!!!! Even if today she is just a bit sad - that's OK too!

Thank you Blogg I feel better for this xxxxxx

And I love the fact that Chris sat in this square in 2001 and that Gilly sat in it yesterday.....

Letters to my Mum 4 June 2016 until 9 June 2016

Not knowing and just going......

Yesterday I said good-bye to my Mum and I don't know when I will see her again, or even if I ever will see her again.......

She was as good as she could be, being positive in her world of forgetfulness. Remembering now in holistic chunks rather than in details... being able to have a conversation that one minute later she has no recollection of......

She is deliciously grateful which is special, she appreciated our presence, the sunshine and the moment but is fast losing the context.

I am a bit sad but not too sad, I want her to keep her dignity and her knowledge of her own uniqueness as she slips into the cocoon of her last physical moments. She described herself as a child surrounded by mothers, which was beautifully poignant as that is where she is......

I asked her what mothers most want for their children and she replied "For them to be happy of course." 

I feel very privileged to be living my life - I am just so blessed and I am so aware that I have a responsibility to my Mum .......... to be happy!

Finding my way.....

Dear Blogg

I am feeling so amazingly happy today - I have woken up in Dublin and there are three things that are making me smile:

1. My Mum is happy again

2. I am here in Dublin with some of my favourite people in the world

3. I am becoming clearer as to where my journey is taking me.

.... and the sun is shining and I am alive and I can feel the world changing around me....... and how magic is that!

I am staying at the home of a delightful young Italian couple - which is also making me smile - suddenly Italy is making itself present in my life - I just love the messages from the Universe - some are so obvious - though maybe not always at the time - and some are just so subtle that you can almost miss them - little wisps of messages that make you smile... and then laugh with the joy of 'knowing'.

The 'knowing' is that feeling when your heart laughs and your whole body resonates with joy and your smile is so big that you feel you are overflowing with happiness.........

I am so blessed that I am living a life with this 'knowing' ..........

Part of this 'knowing' is also the joy of not knowing - going with the flow of stepping into the darkness with the confidence that you are on the right path....

Something happened to me in Italy last weekend and I saw with clarity my future journey........

......well what I saw was a 'knowing' that I am on the right path - I could feel it stretching out in front of me into the darkness - I couldn't see it but I knew it was there.

What I did have in my hand though -  was a torch and I can use that to see the steps just in front of me and the space just around me. BUT THE JOY OF IT WAS - that is all that I needed to walk in the darkness!!!

So I now know I am on the right path - I can feel it stretching out before me - although it is a dark I know it is there - and the torch has given me the confidence to go forward without hesitation........

My friend Javier always talked about El Misterioso - the mysterious - and I thought I understood what he meant - and in a way I think I did - but I now feel that I can understand it at the next level.

I had understood it as the mystery of the unknown but the next level is  the mysteriousness of the unknown...... Woww!!! Well it makes sense to me!!!

The wonderful thing is that we are all on our own individual learning journey through life  - but this only really makes sense when we see it as part of the collective learning of the Universe - the Mystery is our own individual learning - our immediate steps in the dark -  El Misterioso is the bigger learning of the Universe.

Buff!!!


This is a poem I wrote last weekend - which is an attempt to say what my heart knows......

Our Divinity is cracking open 

As drops of innocence that together

make this sea of learning,

Divine Child of Mother Earth

individually we are the whole.

Journeying together with our Mother

and nurtured by her milk,

we have been held within her arms,

and know no other world.

We are the Divine Child,

my sister, my brother, my daughter, my son

together we are everything,

although we live as one.

We possess our separate laughter,

our suffering and our shame,

only learning of the wholeness

through the emptiness within.

Divine Child, my Love, my Being 

together we are the one,

our Mother is ready to wean us,

it’s OUR time that now has come.

The Earth, the Sky, the Universe,

the sunshine and the night

they are calling on us together

to step into the light.

Softly, slowly, gently  - we breathe in the change.

Lovingly and consciously - we breathe out our fear.

Let’s take these steps my fellow Earth Angels,

our Divine Child is waiting to ascend.

Like the chrysalis holding the transforming caterpillar

our furled and folded wings are still hidden from view.

We do not yet know what we are becoming

the potential power of that beauty within.

But listen………… our divinity is cracking open 

and from inside we know what we have to do. 

Understand it is the small things

that make the difference,

it is the seemingly insignificant

that will announce the change. 

So look no further than the mirror,

listen to the voice of the inner child,

breathe in the shared universe that connects us

and together we shall unite.

Joyously we will unfurl our wings of colour

trying them out for size 

and with the blessing of our Mother,

we collectively fly into the light. 

Alegra

Letters from 24 May 2016 until 3rd June 2016

Letters to my Mum around the move to Acorn Hollow May 2016

Letters to my Mum from 8 March - 6 May 2016