uncertainty......

.................. with my future .... and with everything... buffff!!!!!

It's Sunday night - the weather today (and for several days)  has been extraordinarily beautiful - sunny - but more than sunny - amazingly/heart warmingly sunny!!!

I had a very lazy morning and then sorted out some storage boxes for Jim (for him to move into my tiny flat)  - he goes to Spain on Tuesday - we will overlap a bit - but from this summer he will leave Liverpool - still waiting confirmation where - but today I did feel a big feeling of transition.......... I love his going but recognise that I will really miss his presence - he has been so very close to me over the last few months/years.

After moving stuff - Jim and I went to the pub and talked over beer and a following meal - it was lovely. Unexpectedly I felt quite emotional - it was all un-planned - but that was good. We sorted out practical stuff - he will be here at mine - when I am not..... probably with Rachel most of the time - so keys etc are sorted.

So I am feeling lighter............ recognising another gossamer thread connection to my old life is  moving on....

But also wondering where my life will take me? But loving the fact it could be anywhere!!!!!!!!!

Wildness and wonderfulness!!

I have no idea why I called the blogg this - just opened the page and it's what I wrote - love it! Now I have to see what the wildness and wonderfulness means!

Have actually had a very quiet evening - I worked late - lots to do at the moment - but I am also so happy to be really beautifully clear - just getting on with it- which after the last few months - feels really focused and good.... Then I went to Liverpool1 to buy my Mum's birthday present for Jim - as we go over to see her on Saturday - and then he's away - and there is absolutely no way my Mum would have been able to buy an ' ipod world travel adaptor kit' on her own!

Then tonight I have been sorting out music on my phone - as it had got a bit muddled - and I like to play music in the car and at work via my phone (still sorting actually whilst blogging) - I love the music on my itunes - over 40 days - unbelievable but beautiful - and a real organic mixture of Chris, Jim, Rob - and my choices plus friends just lovely..... keep moving from this blogg - to save tracks - choosing ones that resonate with me.

Last weekend was lovely - Steph was over from Belfast and we had such a good time - and then on Sunday we cooked a birthday dinner for Jim - there was 8 of us - 4 young ones - 4 not quite so young - but together we ate special food, talked and laughed a lot, drank wine/beer and were just joyous - how blessed am I to have such wonderfulness in my life!!!

OK - so that was the wonderfulness - what was the wildness? Well I think that must be........

......I meet and connect with people - and I know that I am very open to these connections - and when they happen I just go with them - and I go where ever they take me.......

I feel very right and beautifully blessed to do this - but I also know that some my friends worry for me! But I also know that fear petrifies - so to live without fear - which is what I do - is the only way!

Last night I was with one of my 'daughters' and we just went.......... some ways challenging each other - many ways supporting each other - but just seeing each other - and then just going to where that took us. We went back in our histories and also  to and fro in our futures - but we did it all by just being in our present!!!!!

But we also had a ball!! And ate fine steaks - that I cooked - and did the washing! I just love these beautiful connections - day to day - seemingly ordinary - but spirituality extraordinary.

Way to go....... Life is so beautiful.


.

Deliciously tired....

... an tonight I do feel wonderfully weary.

Worked hard for the last few days for a deadline - another funding proposal which went off this afternoon - and I loved it. Don't know if the bid will be successful - but just loved the thinking and where the process of writing it took me/us.

The bid is called ' Dream Our World' and it is for funding for a global conference of young people - working with them in such a way as to enable them to identify what an ideal education environment should be - for them....

The most powerful thing about Bucharest for me was the meeting of minds of the young people - and the one thing that they totally agreed on - absolutely unanimously - from around the world - was that their education/their schooling is profoundly boring.......................

I was talking about this to Jim over the weekend - and it was so true of my childhood - and I think of his - children go to school to be taught - not to learn - but to be taught. And what we were taught was/is - How to be an adult - How to conform - How to obey the madness which are the self imposed rules of our society..... absolutely bonkers!!!!!!!!

So I love the thinking which enables me to go back into my childhood and to start to think through what I've been taught - and then to reflect on what I actually needed to know!!!

Having my Mother in my life is also really important to me as I think through this stuff - reflecting with her and through her - what she has learnt over and through her rich and long life - the two ends of the spectrum - I suppose - what is it that young people want/need to learn? - and what is it that elders understand through their own life's experience of learning  (and actually how much of that was taught?)

Closer to home have spend a lot of tonight talking on the phone - lovely deep conversations - learning - and lots of openness and love - wonderful - so a mind full - a heart glowing and a body weary...... time for bed......

Living in the present - but how do I do that?

It's Friday evening - after what seems like some of the most concentrated days that I have had for a long time - (which is saying something!) - absolutely no complaints - all wonderful and rich - but also so amazingly full on - in so many ways!

Tonight I went to see my Mum after she had been in hospital for a night - she fell yesterday and banged her head - Fiona and Ann sorted everything - but I was there this evening - took with me the mobile phone that Jimmy and I had bought her yesterday - by her forgotten request - a bit ambitious - but see how we go!

My Mum is amazing - she was finding it so hard tonight - she hates losing her memory of recent events - and the fall has knocked her confidence - she was feeling 'stupid'  - and tired after a night in hospital etc - but she was also very funny and loving - doing her best to pick herself up - and loving the concept of the mobile phone -  foreseeing all sorts of potential uses when she's on holiday etc. I just agreed as she was not really going to the day to day - like me trying to contact her when she's not in her room - or her being able to phone without getting out of bed etc..

But I think we were both holding our breath - as the things she really wants to do - in her very precious life of the moment - are just so dependent on her living semi-independently in  Abbeyfield and her ability to stay strong and active etc -  She knows she can't fall again etc - with all that would lead from that......... So she really is living every second of her life today (consciously) - with a huge understanding that the life she wants to live tomorrow - is totally dependent on her ability to hack it through today!

Wow ----- when I wrote Living in the present - but how do I do that? as the title of this blogg - I was actually thinking about conversations I had had today and recently-  about living in the present - but hey I don't need to think any more - I just need to really try and understand where my Mum is with every second of her life - wow........

OK feel crammed full of emotion,  and very tired - but beautifully happy - doing my best to live in the present and to really understand/feel/live what this means -  it' might be Friday night - but I'm for an early night - to sleep in the present - tomorrow is another day to be - what ever that means!!!!

Crazy pace of change..............

Know I'm not the only one ... in fact think it is all of us... but the pace of change is truly quite extraordinary at the moment!!!!!

Am OK - but do feel like that there is so much happening around, with and to me - that it is sometimes difficult to feel any kind of certainty... but also recognise, relish and love the fact that there is no certainty - wow - change is just happening - so let's enjoy it!!!

I can clearly see that if you stop - for what ever reason - then you move from being part of the 'flow' to a 'blockage ' - from being in a raft going down the rapidly flowing river - to being a rock in the river!

Doing my best to 'go with the flow' but also recognising I am so blessed to be me - to be this woman who is living her life - and enjoying every second of it - way to go!

That doesn't mean that it is easy - because it hasn't been recently - but I do feel beautifully happy - if sometimes hanging on by my finger tips to the edge of the raft!

But way to go - who wants to be a rock - with everything swirling and moving past us? Not me!!!

Roller Coaster.........

.....what a week - a roller coaster and a half! Am at home tonight - last Friday I was in Bucharest - little sleep and travelling after an amazing week! Last weekend was a beautiful blurr of travel, family and friends (and little sleep!) This week has been truly hard - moved office, left my team, walked on and away - a huge mixture of emotions - I focused on the positive - and am proud of myself as I did well - worked hard and stayed focused - though have to say I also took time to grieve and to recognise the sadness - but I actually had very little time as I was just so busy and also Rob was here, overlapping with Jimmy and Rachel then Alex and Lara plus two young Croatian girls - out every night a flat full - 6 here last night - in a flat for one person - so pretty bonkers all round!!! Tomorrow we go camping - a Gilly first and linked to Alex and Lara going to a wedding in the lake district - really looking forward to it - though it will be very cold - but jus feel happy to be going close to the earth and it will be a full moon - perfect and so what I need....... So have felt bruised this week - like I've been in a washing machine - pretty mad - but tonight I feel good - clean and moving on - yes a little bit vulnerable - tired - but also very, very blessed and buffff - big time - CHANGE IS GREAT - but not easy - way to go!