Feeling strangely emotional

Don't know why but I am feeling very emotional. I really didn't want to leave Paris and my beautiful little granddaughter, it was so special to spend time with her, unexpectedly out of hospital. It was just very, very, very -  can't think of the right word, beautiful, special, magic.......  to be part of a family  with a newborn baby is just such a very special place to be.  I have only been that close when it was my sons,  my own babies, so to be there at this time was a real privilege.

So yesterday we got home and went round to dinner at my sisters, where my mum was staying - that was nice - it felt more Christmassy -  sitting round a table eating and drinking, laughing and talking - being family........

As we walked over the park I also felt Rob's grief  for his father, he still misses him so much......  in someways more than I do....  so that was poignant - and then being close to family and witnessing their sadnesses and emotions - is strangely affecting - we are strange things us human beings!

Today was another family day, lunch/afternoon with Pat and Nita.....  with  Rob and Vaughn this time. Six weeks to the day when Pat, Nita, Rob and I sat and waited for news of Alba's birth and prepared for Neil's funeral......  it feels like an awful lot has happened in these six weeks.....   and I suppose it has.

So now in the quiet time between Christmas and New Year - and a special New year with Jimmy and Rachel's wedding....... maybe I am feeling emotional because I have time to be so! That's a good thought and I shall enjoy being a bit weepy and feeling 'full' - and recognise that it's not only OK to feel like this - it is GOOD to feel these emotions - to be human and to feel sadness and joy - and they do seem to be so intrinsically linked - so to feel is to be human - and ALIVE..... how good is that!

In Paris.......

........it is 21 December 2014 and I am in Paris. Yesterday I went to see my little teeny tiny granddaughter Alba in hospital, she is doing very well and should be home within a couple of weeks or so. Not yet 2kilos - but close - she will be allowed out when 2.2 kilos!

Yesterday was also my son Rob's birthday and he joined us late on in the evening which was also special.

And on Friday I completed SiS Catalyst and said goodbye to the special team of young people who have been working with me on it for the last few years. I will go back to work in January, but part-time to complete the final reporting of the project. So a couple of months to do that, then two weeks of Jury Duty and then off to Australia and India........ followed by the rest of my new life!

But before that we have Jimmy and Rachel's wedding on the 1/2 January - the biggest family gathering for many years - so also very special!

I do feel very tired........  I feel like I have got to the end of the marathon and looking back over the last four years that's what it has been. The last few months have also been an emotional roller coaster which obviously  included the early arrival of Alba but also completing SiS Catalyst and saying farewell to the team etc...... a lot of stuff......... I also did travel an awful lot over the last few months.

Rob and I are staying here in Paris in an Apart-hotel  which is great because it has a little kitchen etc so we can be independent, not to mention a very nice swimming pool with sauna etc. It is also just round the corner from Alex and Lara's so it is very convenient.

This morning we went to a really lovely traditional French market and stocked up with all sorts of delicacies and Rob and I are looking forward to cooking for Alex and Lara..... as the baby is still in hospital they will spend most of the day up there and it will be nice for us to feel useful. We will also be washing the many tiny little clothes she is now wearing..... baby clothes are so magic and premature baby clothes just make me melt with goooyness!

So the first days of my new life will involve cooking and looking after family - but also relaxing and being me - with not a lot of responsibilities - which is an amazingly good way for it to start -  not in my own home though appropriately in a family home in another country with Lara's Mum Juaqui,  so speaking Spanish (Juaqui has just left to fly home to Asturias) and shopping in French, with Rob over from Croatia and feeling good that we can be useful to Alex and Lara and the teeny tiny Spanish/British/French baby Alba. I do live a multi country life!

Thinking about my Mum but knowing that I will speak to her regularly, that as I write Jenny is with her and that she will a lovely Christmas at Ann's with Max and Tanja and that she is also really looking forward to the wedding.

.............. so what a joy.....  feeling knackered but very, very, very happy.

My little granddaughter Alba

Today I met my beautiful little granddaughter Alba Myosotis San Emeterio Jenkins. Here in this picture in her Dad's arms. Very special time..........

Certainty and uncertainty (excitement!)

I'm back home from Colombia. Wow!!!!!! In the last three weeks, I have been in Japan, France, Italy, Colombia and twice in the USA in transit. Extraordinary!!!!

I go to Paris tomorrow to see Alex and Lara and teeny tiny Alba.

We are getting to the end of SiS Catalyst and there is a lot to do. At the moment, and for the next three weeks, I have a lovely team of young people who are helping me complete the documentation of our last four years. But from the 19 December they will be gone. It feels like I am coming to the end of a huge part of  my life. Which of course is true!

It was wonderful to be in Colombia, and I do resonate with the country and the people. I'm also frustrated by my bad Spanish and know that I really must put the time and effort into becoming fluent.

I don't remember when I have been quite so busy!

It's early morning and I seem to have some kind of reverse jet lag, because I should be feeling sleepy at this time of day and I'm not. Though I do feel a bit disorientated, which, when I think about the travelling and also the emotional roller coaster of the last few weeks, I am not really surprised.

I just renamed this blogg, certainty and uncertainty. Because that's exactly how I feel! A wonderful certainty but also a very strong feeling of uncertainty/unknown-ness, which is not scary....... I am trying to analyse exactly what I am feeling, I think it is excitement!

Last night I danced. It was a very special and deep dance. Our teacher Clare wanted us to dance as individuals, but also as part of the collective. And that is what we did. I did go extraordinarily deep, and it was an amazing  dance. 

It is also what I am writing about for SiS Catalyst -   the relationship between the individual and the collective, trying my best to get the words exactly right. But it is also something that I'm feeling very strongly at the moment. Feeling me, one person with their own individual thoughts and feelings, but also a part of the a growing awareness of global consciousness  and the huge changes that are unfurling around the world,  and probably beyond. 

So that is what I am feeling at the moment, a beautiful certainty combined with strong feeling of excitement!!

What an extraordinary world we live in.