clouds.........

Love it - thought I'd blogg about the fairly busy stuff happening at the moment in my life - hospital visiting etc and so much momentum at work with things to do etc..... and I write 'Clouds' as the title to this blogg!

OK - I am at the moment quite obsessed by the beauty of clouds - their colours, shapes, constant movement - they epitomise change - completely un-holdable - you cannot ever touch a cloud - they are just mist - but they are also just so solid in the sky. Their movement, beautiful shapes and colours - the light reflecting within, behind and around them - the way that light beams from and through them - just amazing!!!! OK I just love clouds!

Back to reality - Pat in hospital after a stroke last night - visiting her tonight - witnessing her fear - also knowing she should make a good recovery - 47 is young to be where she is....

Talking to my Mum on the phone - home but not happy - well emotional - and coming to terms with her next steps - wow - she's alive.... she fought so hard to be home - But she just doesn't want to be a 91 year old recovering from major surgery - home with her lovely old man - she is just so young at heart and she just wants to be YOUNG!! She is just not good at being old - and her youthfulness is inspirational - and she has all the impatience of the young - absolutely wonderful.

I don't feel young tonght - I actually feel quite old and tired - physically and also deep inside myself - but that's OK and it doesn't feel heavy - it feels right - so that's where I am.... it's still light so I will just watch some more of those amazing clouds and listen to my latest Jim music present - and it's not only OK it's wonderful.........

feeling many things.....

..... it's Monday evening and I've been dancing - for the first time for 3 weeks - I have so missed it - tonight in the warm up I was just so full of energy I couldn't do anything but dance! Then loved the flowing wave and went deep - and let go - which was what I needed - it has been a pretty tough few weeks - great weeks but tough.

Tonight my sister Jenny texted me to say Mum should be going home on Wednesday - which is pretty impressive - they talked about 2/3 weeks convalescence - but all being well it will be less than 1 week.

Witnessing my parents life over the last few weeks has been truly inspirational. I'm feeling very emotional tonight - the dance and thinking about my Mum and Dad - visiting them both on Saturday - and the love they have for each other - they met and married 66/65 years ago.... and the last three weeks has been so hard for them both - but it has also brought them more alive and conscious of their love for each other ...... in a way that is truly inspirational - can't think of another word......

Yes so tonight - after dancing - I have eventually stopped moving - I also received a little video from Rob for his Nan from Croatia, just perfect - Alex made one of Grenoble yesterday - his hostel, views of the city and an ice cream - this came about because I made videos of my parents house and my Dad for my Mum on Saturday - and then made a little video of my Mum for my boys - everyone a tearjerker!

So am home - my lovely Mum in hospital but fighting it beautifully - so strong - with such a will to live - my lovely Dad - coming back from his indifference to live - my sisters doing so much more than me - but also accepting that. So back to my mantra - how extraordinarily lucky am I!!!!!!!

wonderfully, deliciously and amazingly exhausted but totally energised!!!!!!

which is pretty mad..... but also where I am - after a week away - and just the most fantastic time...... the very best bit was the meeting of minds... and we did just that - and it was mind blowing!!!!

It was also exhausting - I suppose I could have gone to bed earlier and got up later, and I suppose I could have not put quite so much energy and enthusiasm into everything I did - but hey it was important and good work and I was with such amazing people.... I reflected on them in the airport tonight, on my way home, and felt such a huge wave of gratitude for the truly amazing and inspirational people that are in my life.

The SiS Catalyst Family and Friends are just so.............. open..... the connections went deep and strong..... and we have really begun to believe in what we are doing.... it was visible and tangible and just so so strong.....

It will be hard to explain what actually did happen but I like the concept of 'mind blowing' because that was what we did..... blow our own and each others minds! It was then followed by another conference which was rich with ideas but it did not have the pace and passion of SiS Catalyst - it was deliciously full of dear friends of many years and wonderful new people, connecting, connecting.... connecting...... I just so love this.

Home now, travel easy, catching up on my Mum's progress and my lovely Dad.. survivors.....

Work tomorrow so must go to bed... it's lovely to be home... and although I'm shattered I am also feeling very full of energy, sorting of glowing with it... can feel it coursing around my body... which is a bit strange but also pretty wonderful - buff I do think I am more than a bit bonkers!!!!!

Should be in bed but mind reeling.........

It's late and I'm off to Amsterdam tomorrow, haven't packed and will have a very busy few days...... but am trying to get myself to move to bed and an early start to pack...... but it doesn't seem to be happening!

Tonight I visited my lovely Dad, at home alone, though good, more awake than he's been for several months....and then my lovely Mum in the intensive care ward after her operation of last night. She had major surgery yesterday evening, and survived...... she is currently healing well ..... but it's early days.

Buffff!!!!!! Big stuff this life and death drama of existence..... felt so powerfully the point of being alive tonight... to feel the joy of loving the presence of my wonderful parents in my life... to have them, and their love for each other, as well as their love for me and all their family.......... but also so keenly conscious of the 'edge' between joy/grief... and reflecting on that - this is what life is all about!

So.... it is very late - I have a very, very busy few days ahead of me..... and am counting my many, many blessings xxxxxx

What I also learnt in Turkey.....

...... is that our eyes contain the energy of our Mother Earth.....

Well I've been to Turkey..................

................ and it was?????????

Well the words that make most sense are...heart warming...... and tonight at home - my heart is very warm/sensitive/open... and on reflection I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the intensity of the week.......

It was truly amazing though. I have never been to Turkey before and just loved how I connected to people - in an extra-ordinary way, and in many ways........... and not just once or twice, but again and again..... it was ... just that ... heart-warming - the more I do this - the more I connect with people, strangers, as well as colleagues and friends.. the more I love the connections I make, the joy of making things happen, recognising our creativity and our potential.... just connecting!

The conference in Ankara was just lovely - we were made so welcomed and the days and nights blend into a joyous memory of inspiration, happiness and amazing energy ... and dancing... truly magical... and it was good work.

Istanbul was different but also very special, a weekend on my own - in an amazing city, I am finding it hard to find words to describe how much I enjoyed it... it was a truly fantastical weekend - pretty bonkers but also pretty amazing. I feel I have learnt so much about myself this weekend... which sounds a bit weird - well not learnt - but consolidated thinking... like lots of things falling together like a jigsaw.. a lot of this is about me - and my intentions for the future.. which have been getting clearer for a while - it was like they all sort of settled inside me... recognising who I am.... going deeper and being totally honest with myself... and then just really being/living this person.. who by the way is pretty mind-blowing!

This intensity of love of life being magnified by my Mum going to hospital on Friday - and me being so far away but being kept informed... I called in on the way back from the airport and saw my Dad and will go with Jim to see my Mum tomorrow night - she was going to have to have an operation but it looks increasingly likely they can treat her without surgery. Which is good. My Dad today was amazing, he seems energised - his love for my Mother being his whole life.... and his pain that he wasn't able to use the phone on Friday because he is too deaf, when she needed to go to hospital.... and his comfort that my Mum had no pain when he visited her today, all giving him an increased reason/ability to live.... every second is precious when you are 94.............

Buff - this is life ... and sometimes it is so hard.. but also so beautifully preciously wonderful - my lovely Dad is so amazing.. he is home alone tonight.. my Mum in hospital... hard for both of them - on their own after a lifetime of sleeping together... he was so strong this afternoon.. inspirational.. all these thoughts adding to the Turkey wave of emotion!

So no conclusions here tonight... turmoil... but deep inside I am getting stronger...

Buffff that's what it's all about.

Camping.....

Every second of this wonderful life is precious.

It's Sunday evening and I have just come back from a wonderfully sunny and laughter filled weekend camping in Wales. Vanessa and I left work a bit early on Friday evening and drove down through North Wales to Snowdonia and the coast, to meet other lovely friends in Shell Island for a perfect weekend of camping. Lots of really special moments, a day on the beach, sea and sand framed by mountains, Minnie the dog on one and the funniest game of charades ever - adults acting out the rudest things that 8/9 year old girls could come up with!!!

So much laughter... but also time to talk, with special moments of deep conversations. The amazing joy of being in the countryside - the birds welcoming us awake and then serenading us at dusk, clear skies full of stars - with shooting stars - and the colours of the mountains with their many depths of green.... wonderful!

This evening of coming home, a beautiful deep bath and gentle domesticity..... I have been thinking about childhood.... something I have reflecting on a lot recently - talking tonight to my Mum........ my lovely Dad is now no longer wanting to eat, gently giving in to his tiredness..... I have been thinking a lot about his love for me, and how I accepted love as a natural part of my childhood...... increasingly recognising that so many people did not feel loved as children and how that is such a huge burden to carry around a lifetime of being an adult........

Increasingly understanding that the one thing we cannot control, change, take responsibility for............. is our childhood. We are born, where we are born, of the parents we are born of, into the family circumstances that we are born into...... and this then shapes us into who we are and this makes us the adults we become - so much learning.... and so much unlearning and remembering........ buffff!

Every second of this wonderful life is precious!!!!