Beautiful poignancy

I am at home after a week away with my three boys, my Mum, my sister Ann and her two children and a friend of theirs..... and the words that come to my mind are 'beautifully poignant'. Not certain why I chose this title for the blogg.....

There were 9 of us - my own and my sister's children - grown up but as yet to have children of their own - so we had hired a big cottage in Yorkshire and we were there together as family - the focus of which was my Mum. She was amazing - fantastically amazing, loving the presence of so many young people, all doting on her - her every wish a command. Much good humour, laughter, excellent food, fellowship and joy - but it was all very, very beautifully poignant....... on occasions painfully poignant.... My Mother's fortitude, playfulness and happiness was genuine and special - her constant recognition and understanding of how blessed she has been all her life, always very close to the surface.... but my Father's absence was very present and many times painfully so.....

I cry as I write this - and I didn't cry when I was away, but I think it is important to do so tonight - to recognise my own grief, my own loss of my beautiful Dad - a man I have spent practically every Christmas with for my whole life - I can think of 4 that weren't with my Mum and Dad - but that's all.... so a lifetime of Christmas's together - my parents having had 65 Christmas's together until this one..... wow!!!

I'm glad I've done this blogg as I couldn't understand why such a happy time should have also been so 'beautifully poignant' but now I have seen what I have written I understand why I feel like this....

So I am cherishing the specialness of our time away together, and recognising that my grief for my Dad is still quite raw - and that my Mother is truly inspirational - and what a wonderful family I am so lucky to be a part of.........

... and stopping off in Stacksteads and spending time with such dear friends on the way home - was icing on a special Christmas cake!!!

Maybe.......

....... the 'golden child' within myself just recognises the 'golden child' within my mother.......

Snuggled in on the sofa.....

..... gentle music playing - my little flat cosy and warm, a beautiful day - making a lovely lunch for my Mum, Jimmy, sister Jenny and Ali, (fish pie) followed by a short walk in the park - showing Ali Chris's beech tree, clear blue skies above the world, my Mum walking with Jenny - lovely, lovely lovely......... they've now gone home and I'm snuggled up on the sofa - feeling very loved and at peace with the world... I am just so blessed and so grateful for my wonderful life.

I talked about my Mum's amazing resilience to Ali earlier in the park, that was nice spending time talking to him - there is usually such a crowd that we don't really get to talk one to one, anyway we talked about Mum - and how she is such a 'golden child' -  she has gone through her life - doing good things - but also being very 'selfish' - all four of her daughters have had tragedies and sorrows and she was there for all of us, but she herself has had a truly 'lucky' life - and in many ways she was also protected from our hurt - she loved us all but I don't think she actually understood our pain - and why should she? It was our grief - she recognised it but I am not certain how far she was able to empathise with it.  That sounds harsh but I don't mean it to be - my Mum is an amazing woman, she has lived a good life - and she is now coping with the loss of her husband of 66 years  and her home - fantastically well - but reflecting about my Mum through my childhood and womanhood - is making me think.......

..... I suppose that's what it's all about - learning - and walking through the park with Ali this afternoon has made me think about one of the fundamental relationship of my life - that of mother and daughter - my mother and me as her daughter. It is also made me think about Chris's Mum.

Chris's Mum was a wonderful woman and there were times in my life when I was consciously closer to her than I was to my own Mum - I can remember that very clearly and also feeling sad/wrong to feel that.....  I am now very close to my Mum - and have been for many years, and the shared experience of Dad's death and the last few month has brought us even closer.  But I think that this relationship is (and has been for many years) based on my recognising her as a 'golden child' and loving her for being that a perfect 'golden child'. Wow - didn't expect to write that lot!!!!!

So I think I need to unpick this a bit....... I suppose I am thinking about what is love - OK quite a big question then!!!

But what is love? How much of it is what we think we ought to be? Do we 'love' people because of what or who they are in our lives? Or what we think they are? Or what we we think/and are taught to believe we ought to?

Not unpicking here - just knitting myself in deeper!

I suppose at the heart of this is - just that!!!  How much is what we love is actually from the heart - and how much is what we love  - is what our mind tells us to?

Bufffff - this started off as a nice afternoon blogg and is now asking the most fundamental question of our life - what is love? I need to reflect more on this - and I think it's been a question hovering around me for a while - what is it that we love? Is it the present, the past and/or the future? I loved Chris and my Dad very much, and I love my boys, my Mum, my family, my friends - but what does this mean? I love my life, I love my feeling of purpose in life, I love physically, I love the beauty that is everywhere, I love the music surrounding me (getting louder and louder) I love laughing, I love dancing.... I just love.......

Mmmmmmmmmm.... love is a one way process - unconditional love - means loving one way - and only one way - just loving - not wanting or needing thanks, recognition ... or anything in return... wow - I love it!!!!!!

Bratislava musings...

It has been a busy week - I am now in Slovakia, having been in Salzburg and tomorrow I go to Vienna.... Last night we partied and had a great time, the meeting and connecting does not even require a common language - though liberal amounts of good Slovakian wine helped!!

I am here with Raul from Brazil and it is just so amazing how when you look - you see the same things - just a different locality - and a different castle in the background! We, the human beings on this planet are just so similar - so connected - so one..... though so many of us are clinging on to our separateness, trying to find and emphasise our differences - the problem for them is we are not different - we are not separate - we are all individual sparks with the collective of humanity..... and I just love us!!!!

Global - local - Us - me - they are just two levels of the same thing. The more I travel, the more I connect with individuals just makes this clearer and clearer to me.... and the connections can be brief - a smile with a recognition through the eyes that we are connected - Bing - we are connected!!!! Or they can be built on a lifetime's friendship - but they are both just the same - the connection of us recognising ourselves in the soul of the other. I think the most important thing is to be open to the connection - because many of us walk through this world in fear of opening up to others and build walls around our hearts... I know I am increasingly open - I seek out the eyes and welcome the connections - and that's what other people see in me - and then I love them and they love me - and it just makes us both so happy - which of course is the meaning of life!!!!

So a day sightseeing in Bratislava - then have been promised dancing tonight - lucky lucky me!!

Taking care of myself?

I am at home (for a change!) and in bed - it is early in the morning - but still 2 hours behind Turkey where I have been for a while, so wide awake - though my body is telling me to stay in bed - to give it time to come to terms with a streaming cold. I am coughing like a hyena whilst holding close to me the amazing week I have just had..............

I think this will be a long blogg as I plan to do very little else today - well apart from 2 important emails - a walk in the park as an opportunity to see Jimmy and I have just remembered I have some work to do as well - and to  meet up with Gilly later.....

But what I really want to do today is to understand the expression '....take care of yourself'....'....cuídate' as these words have been said to me several times recently - and in my dreams - and I have promised myself to reflect on why and what they mean.

My friend Javier wrote on Fb yesterday:

'Vivir la vida intensamente, cada minuto, cada segundo, como si la vida se nos terminara pronto. Para que dejar que nuestra vida se pierda en medio de la mediocridad, la envidia, la ira y la sin razón? Dejar que los sentimientos fluyan por nuestras venas y cargarnos de positivismo siempre, nos garantiza una vida plena. VIVIR AHORA!'

Which I translated as:

'Live life intensely, every minute, every second, as if it could finish at any time. Why let our lives be lost in the midst of mediocrity, envy, rage and without reason? Letting our feelings flow through our veins and always being positive, will guarantee us a full life. LIVE NOW!'

And that's what I want/am trying to do - and being positive I should say 'This is how I AM living my life'

So what does that mean?

1. Living life intensely - cherishing every second, minute, day, every experience, person, things that I do and things that occur - I know I am doing this more and more - and this is also what my Mother is increasingly doing - cherishing every second of life with gratitude

2. Being grateful for every second, minute, day, every experience, person, thing that I do and things that occur - learning from my Mother.......

3. Moving to the next stage and making every second, minute, day, things that occurs a celebration of life - recognising and appreciating happiness......

4. I can see the next stage which is to live my life in ceremonial celebration....... know I'm not there yet but also I now know people who are doing this -  which means I can learn from them!

Cherishing, Being Grateful, Celebrating and then Ceremonially Celebrating - which of course all just means Being Happy!!!!

.............Same day still in bed - but I have been out and eaten a late breakfast with Jim, communicated with several friends via Fb etc, didn't walk in the park, didn't write the 2 important emails, but I have slept so I have taken care of myself.

Yesterday I talked about taking care on the way home from Munich with Raul - and this led to a discussion  about fear - I want to live my life 'taking care of myself' but I don't want to live my life 'in fear'. I have been thinking and I suppose I don't really understand what my fears are - yesterday Raul talked about healthy fear - linked to self preservation - yes being fearful of traffic is a good idea when crossing the road but if you take care and know the rules of the road  you can cross safely - but now my head is going round in circles - what actually is fear? Well I've just looked it up on Wikapedia:

Fear is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible.

Suddenly it all makes sense  - Fear is negativity - and my fear is being negative in my life, being negative in the four stages I wrote about earlier: Cherishing, Being Grateful, Celebrating and Ceremonially Celebrating - but also I now know what I need to do - I need to find those areas of my heart and my mind where I carry negative feelings and thoughts and to recognise them and to love them and to get rid of them - Hurray - I finally know what I'm doing!!!!

Well this has been a very long and rambling blogg which has been on the go all day - but I finally feel clearer - it's all about positive and negative energies - in Turkey I discussed with many people my positive energy - I was full of it in Ankara - when I'm working I become very focused and simply glow with energy - positive energy. I was telling one person that I do not watch the television, read the news or listen to the radio - and he said quite suddenly and out of the blue - 'So that's why you are so full of positive energy.'  The news media is very negative it sucks away at our energy.

I have also been aware for quite a while about people who drain energy from me and others by their negativity - their presence and ideas blocking the positivism of others

Love it - it is finally all making so much sense to me - I need to take care of myself by becoming more conscious of negative energy - from what ever source - and then finding ways of not letting it drain me in anyway. I also now know what to look for in myself - negative thoughts and feelings - Wonderful!!!!!

Well it's now time to get dressed and go and meet Gilly - to eat tapas and drink wine - that's also taking care of myself!!!!

Floating down to earth.....

...... not certain where I've been but today I do feel more grounded than I have been for a few weeks - probably wont last - I am only here for 3 days and then off again! Part of it is the physical travelling which I do so much of, but also the last couple of months have been so turbulent - the death of a parent is a huge thing....

So very pleased that I went away to make my knife - have been sharpening it tonight - after I used it to prepare Sunday dinner for Jim - which I have to say was particularly good! But the time I took to make my knife was just so amazingly special - hadn't thought of it linked to my Dad until I was there - because when I arranged it was well before his death - but the timing was wonderful.

Still not certain of what has happened to me over the last few weeks - but am beginning to understand that it has involved profound changes deep within me..... tonight I feel much freer and lighter than I think I have ever felt - I called this blogg floating down to earth - maybe I should have called it - floating up - cos that's what it feels like.... well 3 days in the office then off again... love it - how blessed am I?

amazed by how much I have learnt!

........back home - keep fondling and looking at my knife - it is so very, very beautiful! Last week it didn't exist  - and now it does  - and what lessons it has given me  - the blade, the handle and the sheath - a real trilogy.

Making my knife - a story to be told - but also the sweat lodge - buff! huge stuff - living in a yurt in a real community - doing it's best to be totally sustainable - then on Monday going to the Welsh Gypsy and Travellers young people's conference - huge resonance - and then the cars - mine blowing up plus....  overwhelmed by it all tonight!

But most of all - I am just in awe of how much learning this huge rich mixture has given me.....

Journeying.....

Wide awake in the night - but in a yurt in a field on the edge of a wood - a full moon lighting the world and the sounds of the night birds. I am here to work with Tom to make my knife - as agreed at Spirithorse. I knew it was to be a journey and that is what it is....... I didn't know until I started how much of this journey involves my Father. I have looked back to this year and also seen how my week dancing in Spain was also about my Father... I danced to a deep and hard place enabled by the knowledge of his love for me.... that was special....

But now I am making a knife....... intuitively I brought 2 knives of my Father's with me - small kitchen knives that he had sharpened over the decades - and these were my starting point with Tom...... but as the journey has unfolded in this beautiful Welsh community - I have been taken back into my childhood - back to my Father - and to the many places where he lives in my heart.

I have made the blade - I chose to make it from a small file - heating it on the forge and hammering it flat on an anvil - then I grinded the top edge - and this morning I will work on the bevilled edge. This afternoon there will be a sweat lodge ceremony.

I feel I am walking this journey with my eyes open but with no idea where it will take me.... I feel that it is important to spend these few days honouring my Father, to work with a lovely man teaching me - in a way that I have been blesssed all my life - being able learn from my Father from my birth and then from my Chris - a lifetime of learning and - at the same time knowing I was loved by two beautiful men - what a blessing......

And now I have not got their presence in my life - but I will always have their love - tears stream down my face as I write this - and maybe it was for a deeper understanding of this knowledge that my journey took me to this yurt in a field in Wales.........

Bulgaria.....

It's very late at night and I've been out dancing with wonderful young people - love it - ESU students still working when I get back to hotel - have so much time for them.....

Have felt engulfed with their energy for the last couple of days - really, really special - tonight was also a night of connecting - letting myself go - with the beautiful energy of the individuals I was with - sounds bonkers but it wasn't that crazy - I just went where my heart took me - and they came with me! Also - though and this does sound a bit crazy - we have actually also done a huge amount of work....

Though  my work is pretty bonkers anyway - but doing it feels just the most sensible thing in the world!

Happy - plus dancing - perfect.......

Purity of energy..

My Mother is living in the present. She forgets the recent past very quickly and she does not focus her thoughts on the future beyond the immediate..... she is living in the present.

I think her beauty comes from the purity of her energy as she focuses on the present. She is also doing this with such an intensity - she is truly living in the present - and that was what I witnessed on Sunday - and it was beautiful.

I'm wide awake in the middle of the night - for a change! Thinking about the importance of living in the present moment......

... and the joy that comes with that.... and the energy that is involved with doing that. That's why I see my Mother's energy as so pure.

I still feel full of a whirling energy - doesn't feel totally peaceful though, still feels quite chaotic. Maybe I should focus more on living in the present - accepting that I have no past or future - only this one moment to be alive - and to be happy of course!!

Proud of my Mum..

Yesterday we went over to see my Mum in her new home, and I have been thinking about her all day - because she was just so magnificent!!

She is just starting to find a normality in her life after what has been a few weeks of the most turbulent change possible - the death of a husband of 66 years, a move from her house of 55 years, the loss of her mobility, because of the broken hip, which means she is still struggling to get around.

And yesterday when we left, she stood in the hallway, a little old lady standing on the threshold of a completely new life. Missing my father desperately but having such strength and determination that I felt like she glowed from inside, her blue eyes resonating such an amazing beauty.

..... and all she could say was 'I am just so lucky!' What a wonderful woman she is......

Waiting for Alex and Lara....

....I was just going to pick them up at the airport when I looked to see that their flight is delayed from Geneve - so I thought I'd do my blogg while I was waiting. It's Saturday evening and I have had a day catching up with myself - so I've shopped, cooked and cleaned - and am really looking forward to having Alex and Lara here for a week.

I also had Vanessa for lunch and a walk in the park - and made a Christmas pudding - my Mother always made several for all the family - so I offered to do it this year - you stir in all the ingredients together and leave them for 24 hours - before steaming the puddings - it does look a bit volcanic at the moment though - I also think it's too runny - but hey ho it's only a pudding!! We're going over to see my Mum tomorrow I'll ask if I need to thicken it a bit.

It's been good to be domestic today as I was feeling pretty bonkers last night - at the end of an exceptionally busy week - hosting a 2 day video conference with lots of people here as well as in Cairo, and then still lots to catch up with at work as I have got a bit behind, with being off around my Dad's death.  Strangely - even though it was really busy - the whole week left me full of energy - it was sort of crackling out of me last night - and I can still feel it now - my hands and feet tingling with energy... doesn't feel bad but does make me feel a bit light headed.

I was also awake quite a lot last night and I think that was linked to the energy in me - I just couldn't sleep - felt so very wide awake - nearly did my blogg but got firm with myself and made myself stay in bed - I should be really tired - not buzzing with energy!

Flights delayed another 15 minutes. Done my blogg - think I'll make a casserole before I pick them up - put some of this energy to use - crazy woman!!!!

Decisions....

... the awful night Chris died - I can so clearly remember being in the hospital with my sons - being asked to make huge life/death decisions - and saying 'What ever decision we make tonight must be one that we can look back on in 10 years time and know that we made the right decision'.

Tonight I understood that it not just the big life/death decisions that we need to be able to do this for - but we actually need to live with all our decisions - however small - and we need to be able to go back and look ourselves in the eye and to know - that at the time - we believed we made the right decision - for the right reasons....

.......who said any of this was easy!!!

Feeling restless.....

.... it's been such a busy few weeks - I feel like I'm coming down to earth in my own life again... linked to a restlessness which I'm not certain of the meaning of...

Work has been good - picking up the threads - aware that I have missed things over the last few weeks - loving some aspects... but not everything... restlessness present there as well...

It's Saturday morning and I am dossing in my bed - what a lovely feeling - eating cornflakes, drinking tea and writing my blogg..... but aware that behind this peacefulness is this sense of restlessness... funny how the blogg crystallises ideas in me - as when I started writing I didn't know that I am so restless - but now it has become a very strong feeling - and I'm really trying to think through what it means!

I suppose in one way I have time  - after the last couple of hectic months - I am on my own again - Rob's gone back to Croatia - and although I'm going to see my Mum tomorrow - the frenetic pattern of hospital visits and funeral arrangements etc have finished - so I have time to feel restless.

Should make the most of it - as a complicated Study Visit starts tomorrow and I will be rushing around for several days with that - but I love that sort of thing and thrive on it!

Had a lovely night last night - Deirdre and I - honouring and remembering, with love, our Dads -  we'd got dressed up to go out but in the end we didn't make it - we talked a lot about the way things conspire to happen at a certain time - like my Dad's death - extraordinary sense of things coming together in perfect synchrony.

So maybe this restless feeling is just a part of my preparation for the next things that are going to happen in my life - but the one thing I do know is - I have no idea what they will be .... and isn't that just so exciting!!!!!

Living in amazing times.................

... and we are - surrounded by this huge global maelstrom of changes.....

Yesterday I was given the analogy of us being poised on the edge of the biggest waterfall imaginable - where we can be frightened, prevaricating and procrastinating - waiting in indecision until we are dragged under with the tow of the water to be smashed by the rocks and the debris - or where we can just get on with it - getting on the nearest raft, without fear, accepting where we are  - and then to just love every second of this amazing ride..................... know which one I'm going for!!!!

Fearless - just love it - doing my best to live my life totally without fear and enjoying every second of the roller coaster!

OK where am I? At home Robbie still here - out with friends tonight - a joy to see my son happy - my Mum moved into her new home today - still landing - not quite settled but moving on - and finding pleasure - wonderful - Jim and Rob going to see her tomorrow.

Me - well I'm happy - recognising the huge changes - climbing on the raft - and doing my best to enjoy every second of the ride!

You know what.......

.....it's been a pretty tough week!

Back home after a conference in Brussels - very pleased I went - confirmed to me what I know which is good - message on my phone from Jenny saying she moving Mum on Tuesday to Abbeyfield with 6 week care package - so that's great - will go and see Mum tomorrow.

Feel a bit overwhelmed tonight - it's been a hard week! - I also had such a strong feeling of change/tranisition as I came back in taxi from Liverpool airport just now - I can see I'm moving on - just like my lovely Mum!

Way to go - accepting and embracing change - only way to do this..........

Rumi - says it all....................

After I had written my blogg - I meditated and next to my altar was a beautiful calender of Rumi poems that a dear friend had given me, and because I have been rushing around so much - it was still on August. So I turned it and this was the poem for September 2011..............

 

Your grief for
what you’ve lost
lifts a mirror up
to where you’re
bravely working.

Expecting the worst,
you look, and instead,
here’s the joyful face
you’ve been wanting
to see.

Your hand opens
and closes and
opens and closes.
If it were always a fist
or always stretched
open, you would be
paralyzed.

Your deepest
presence is in every
small contracting
and expanding,
the two as
beautifully balanced
and coordinated
as birdwings

Rumi

Thank you, with love and so much gratitude.

Joy and death.........

.........yesterday was my father's funeral - and it WAS FANTASTIC! It was a truly perfect day... and I wasn't the only one - saying/thinking this.... lots of people.... kept saying... what a perfect funeral, what an amazing life.... what an amazing man.... how lucky was he... how lucky were we to know him, be part of this family, to have your childhood.............. all perfect and wonderful things to say at a funeral....

And it was perfect..... and we did it so well as a family - my 91 year old mother coming from hospital, using a wheelchair and a zimmer frame but coping so well... dignified, strong and really, really focusing on every word in the two services ... and she was just so beautiful.... trying so hard to do it right - and doing it so, so well.... Mum I was just so proud of you - and everyone felt the same - truly inspirational.......

All my sisters speaking at the Chapel -  not finding it easy - but standing up and saying just the right things - things which needed to be said.... and Evey and Becki - I was honoured to stand up with them - and so proud - of all us - my Mum, sisters, grandchildren, cousins, family friends - we just did it so well!!

OK - may be it's a bit weird to be quite so euphoric over a funeral - but it was just amazing - I also know that it was a very healing experience for so many of us... griefs which go back lifetimes, my father's death being a trigger - an opportunity for us to recognise our own grief - and to accept - to be grateful for so much - to feel the joy of being alive.....

Don't think I'm expressing this very well - because my overwhelming feeling is - and has been throughout this special time of my Father's death... an overwhelming feeling of deep joy......

We live in a world where the words 'joy and death' don't usually go hand and hand - however - my Dad's age and life has made this possible....  maybe that's why it has been such a healing experience for so many of us... because he was so old - and had had such a great life - we were enabled not to be wrapped up in 'sadness' about a loved one physically leaving us - and as a consequence we could really focus on our own 'grief' - which is such a personal thing - the legacy of lifetimes of hurts.......

Wow to recognise the 'griefs' within ourselves -  now that is truly healing - to recognise, to accept them and then to let them go............ letting go - nothing to do with saying good-bye to my Dad for one last time - but all to do with letting go those stored angers/pains/wounds which we keep from our childhood and before...... griefs which we inherit - handed down through generations.....

Special days indeed..........

It's now Tuesday evening and I will go back to work tomorrow - Alex going back to France, Robbie being around - here and London for a few more days - me - going to Brussels for a conference - Thursday/Friday - visiting Congeleton Memorial hospital - hopefully for the last time on Saturday - Mum set to move to Abbeyfield next week - lots of people for dinner on Sunday...

......so living my life - being so very grateful for being alive - recognising the joy of life, and the joy that my Father's death has given me and especially the beautiful healing that I have been privileged to witness........... but also recognising that people I love are in pain - feeling that grief and giving them love.........

Whirlwind.............

..........feel like I'm living in a whirlwind - but also strangely happy to be doing so!

It's become very autumnal and after last week's unusual sunshine - wild winds whirl leaves around in the air - way above ground level - swirling, whirling leaves... all separate yet all just tiny parts of the huge whirling movement of leaves.

Last Sunday  - I danced with leaves - 'Dancing Deep' in Manchester - Alex the teacher enabled us to dance with leaves - in our own unique way - and it was wonderful..... one of the clear 'thoughts' that I have kept all week is about the individual leaf - in the swirling whirling dance of all the leaves...

Through the dance I 'looked at/saw' some of the leaves really clearly - spending time - focusing my attention on those few leaves - as they were there within my consciousness/field of vision/hand.... and I was so very aware that these few individual leaves were just so very, very beautiful - each one having so many colours - hues from green to deep red, and being patterned and veined with perfection, each leaf beautiful, special, unique.............. and each of these individual leaves could also be seen as just part of a pile of leaves - something brown in heap on the floor - it was only when you looked at each one, with focus and real attention -  that you saw how beautiful each one uniquely was.....

I think that's what I feel like at the moment - part of the swirling, whirling mass of stuff - humanity - but if you look at me closely - like everyone of us - I am a beautiful individual - with my own colours, shades and hues, my own patterning and veining.... very special and very unique - like everyone else - truly amazingly beautiful - but together we can just look like a pile of nothing special.

The chaos and change we are living can also be seen as the whirling and swirling going on around us - I have had the wonderful opportunity over the last few days to stop and to look around me - and to see the beauty of those awesome treasures that are close by!!!

So what does that all mean - I am at home - 3 sons in the same country - though here and there - really enjoying their presence in my life... being together, talking, eating, sharing stuff - just wonderful to have them close by - I am so in love with my sons - they all three so different and just so wonderful!!!!

Tomorrow - over to my parents house - probably for the last time I will ever stay there - bufff!!!! - the  house of my childhood - then the funeral on Monday - wanting to get it right - know what I want to say - hope I can do it well - details - details - all the important things! My Mum close to my heart, the grief of my sisters..... but also taking time to acknowledge my own vulnerability and humanity.....

So many leaves swirling around me - but joyful, happy and doing my best to consciously recognise their - and my own - individual uniqueness and beauty.......................

massive changes....

.... am surprised at the depth of change that I feel happening in my life.... my Father was very old, it was not unexpected that he died – all be it that he was doing OK until only a bit over a month ago.... I have known for several years that he was getting very tired (of living)... I do not feel sad that he is no longer struggling to live... I am still in awe at the beauty of his death... but I am feeling something enormous happening.....

I have talked to many people over the last few days and a lovely dancer said to me on Sunday - that so many people she knew were going through big changes in their lives.... and that feels right.... we are all going through a massive change – in one way or another...

‘Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty’ I have this in Spanish on the wall of my office – and I noticed it yesterday and it resonated with every cell in my body.... I think it’s 5 Rhythms... but it is just so right....

So it is the middle of the night – I’m not sleeping – drinking cocoa in attempt to get some sleep – wide awake but not unhappy – feeling the world and life changing around me – big swirling changes – but understanding that I must ‘go with the flow’ – give myself up to it totally and just recognise the beauty in the chaos!

Special days......

The days between a death and a funeral are always special.... busy ... always lots of really important things to decide... all of which are really small things - but of course these are the most important things in this life....... but also times when you are together doing nothing - talking with your heart open and receptive - able to get close - to reflect and to just be......  the technology enabling this happen across the world.... wonderful......

I have just loved the messages I have received - I lay on my bed yesterday and just thought - 'Just accept this love that is being sent to you..... just receive it!'... and I did - I lay there and just said ' I receive this love - thank you - it makes my heart so happy.' Because I know that I find it very difficult to receive love - to actually accept that people love me - because to do so means that I totally accept and love myself - and as everyone knows that is the hardest thing in the world! So how special is it that at this time I am making big steps in that direction - receiving love - shouldn't be that hard - but boy it is!!!!

Am at home - early evening after a day of planning my Dad's funeral..... sisters meeting  - then with my lovely Mum - sitting in this glorious sunshine we are having - trying to come to terms what is happening in her life.... and she is - wonderful woman -  choosing flowers........ being overwhelmed by much of it..... loving her daughters and one grand-daughter for being there for her today in the sunshine........ repeatedly saying - 'I am just so lucky'... her gratitude for her and my lovely Dad's life being such an important part of her - and our healing...................   how blessed are we to be close to this?

Wanting to be 'home' though this will not be her home of 55 years, but she is looking forward to being home (somewhere) to going on day trips, seeing primroses in Devon, going to the Lakes... she can see much of it... details to be sorted... but she is creating her new life.... and watching her do this is wonderful, inspirational and just so special.................

I will speak at my Father's funeral - at the Crematorium Service before the Service of Thanksgiving in the Unitarian Chapel - where his 4 daughters were married - wow he was so blessed my Dad... I talked today about what I will say... but I will spend time with my Mum over this weekend understanding what I need to say - for her and for us....

What we need to say to my Dad - is easy - 'We love you - thank you for being in our lives'

What needs to be said for my sisters and our family is not yet clear but it will become clearer over the next few days and nights (dreaming it)......

So I am tired... bone weary actually - but also really good.... beginning to take steps to really love myself.... bufffff that's not easy.... also know that you my lovely Blogg readers also care about me - otherwise you wouldn't bother to read all this stuff - so thank-you  - to know you are there - and I do know you are there cos there is something called 'Stats' (number of pages viewed - no idea by whom) - and it is wonderful to know you are there - I sound like my Mother - I am just so lucky, thank you for being in my life xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Today my lovely Dad died.....

.... and it was a truly beautiful experience - writing that - seems a weird way of putting it - but it was beautiful, it just felt right, well done, peaceful, joyous and sad........ and several hours on - I cannot think of it as anything other than a truly beautiful and wondrous thing - to witness - and to be a part of.

It has been getting closer for several days and the pace seemed to accelerate very rapidly near the end.... but like all these things - it seems a very long few days - it is always difficult to put time into boxes.... the days and nights seem to have stretched but also to have contracted.

My Dad did seem to have been released in someway by my Mum's visit on the Sunday - like she was giving him permission to die. He has always been there for her.... I think he has been staying alive for her for a few years now - staying in his tired and worn out body through the power of his love for her.

He also waited for his two older daughters to get home - leaving us less than 24 hours after their return. My sister Ann stayed with him last night, then I went up to the nursing home early this morning. They advised me to get my sisters there... and we got my Mum there as well.... so we were all there..... and looking back I think it was just about an hour after my Mum arrived - from her own hospital bed - that he died.

It was an amazingly beautifully sunny day and we moved between his room and this little garden  - at the moment of his death -  two of my sisters and I were with my Dad - and my other sister, her husband and my Jimmy were in the garden with my Mum. As we watched the signs of life fade from my Father's frail and tired body, I could hear my Mother's voice 'tinkling' in the background through the open window. The sound of his life.... my Mother's voice..... It was like a big beautiful wave of love filled the room and followed the sound out of the window....... pure peace.............

She was amazing.... accepting that it was his time to go - I am so grateful that we got them together on the Sunday - as I think she would have found it so difficult to understand had she not gone through that day.... and my wonderful son Jimmy was her companion as she sat for the last time with her lovely man of 66 years.... her youngest grandson being there for her.... she was so surrounded in love... she just kept saying - I am just so lucky..... and she was and is.....

She is not ready to go, she is full of life.... though having a broken hip and a faulty heart valve are cramping her style a bit at the moment... but her zest and enthusiasm for life are inspirational. I think she just needs to keep this momentum going over the next few days and weeks of getting her 'home' somewhere - which will probably not be her home of the last 55 years... but one step at a time, the next one is Rehab - and the funeral......

So my lovely Dad is no more in this world - it has been an extraordinary few weeks, very hard but also such a blessing - I am falling asleep as I type - so time for me to go to bed..........................

... relief......

... well that what it feels like - a real relief ....... maybe that should be a real release.... don't know - it's been a long hard day - and I feel very exhausted... but also very relieved.....  feels like something has been released!

... we did well - in fact we did it brilliantly - and we did it as a family - how wonderful is that?  We got Mum to the nursing home - that wasn't easy - but we did it - then we enabled her to talk to Dad - he didn't talk back but he did respond - and we were there - coming and going - laughing, reminiscing, being family, sharing tears, hugs and love - we were magnificent!!!

My Mum was magic - she got there and she couldn't understand my Dad - she didn't want him to be old and dying - and she told him  you're only 94!  Effectively - that's no excuse for dying - she wanted him to get out of bed and get on with his life - their life - she just didn't want him to die.......

We left them together.... we were together as a big/small group/s.... we came and went... all good stuff... all things that needed to happen.... and by the end of the afternoon it was like my Mum gave my Dad permission to die.....  she accepted the fact that he was going to die..... and being my Mum - she then wanted it to happen there and then as she had made the decision!

I don't know when it will happen - I asked him to wait for my sisters to get back and he said OK - I don't think it will be long myself.........

Then I came home and cooked a big chicken dinner for Jimmy, - it makes me so happy to feed one of my  sons and I also needed to eat something sensible - and then all the time we talked for hours on Skype and GPlus with his brothers - which was wonderful - we didn't dwell on the fact that we watched Chris die 5 years ago to the day - but we recognised it - we talked about the day with Nan and Pop and we just talked, laughed and enjoyed each others company - how magic is that - in three countries - via technology!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So tonight my heart is going out to my sisters - impatient to be home, my Dad hopefully hanging on in for them, my Mum alone in her hospital bed, sad but so resilient - inspirational.... my sons and family feeling bruised and hugely enriched by the day... and me ...well I am happy.... we did well, we loved, we showed our love - we gave it and we received it - and what more important thing is there in the world.......

My Mother

This is the photo of my Mother - that I held in front of my Dad yesterday...... today hopefully he will see her - this is hard.................

Conduit of love................

My Father is now very sick, he has an infection and although they are giving him antibiotics, he is very frail and tired, so I do not think he will be with us for much longer. Tomorrow we are going en masse to take my Mum out of the hospital to visit him, 2 daughters and 5 grandchildren.... I don't know if it will be last time they see each other - but it will be one of the last times they are together in this lifetime......

And what a lifetime - they met 66 years ago and married 65 years ago...... together longer than many lifetimes......they have both been very blessed and had happy, long lives, together in love - enriched by good health, children and grandchildren and now 2 great grandchildren..... they have so much to be grateful for - and I believe they are... and they both also love each with a depth that only such a union can give.....

I have been going from one to the other over the last couple of days - and looking in their eyes and giving them the love of the other....... how special is that - to be a conscious conduit of such a wealth of love.... but I suppose that is what I am..... a conduit of love... oh am I also so blessed!!!!!

This is also the fifth anniversary of Chris's death - which is obviously adding another layer of poignancy to this time... but it is also making even more beautiful and special.

My 2 older sisters are on their way home, Jenny hurt her ankle and was advised by a Doctor to stop walking, but I think that this was meant to be - because even in the time they have been travelling home, Dad's condition has deteriorated so much.

My Mum is healing physically, the little girl in her enjoying the attention of the visits by family and friends - but then she is very bored and fed up - again in a childlike way - when no-one is there. She does not have dementia though - she is very lucid and on the ball about most things - it is her approach to life that is childlike - living in the moment - I have no-one here - I'm bored - I have visitors - I'm loving the company.  She is also so very beautiful - I'm smiling all over my face at my Mother's love of life - she is just SO BEAUTIFUL.....

My Father has now lost his appetite for life - and everything else - and he is also very beautiful - curled up in bed - this frail shell - his body stopping working - though his heart is strong.... my lovely Dad... I cry as I type... he is ready to go - he has stayed so long for my Mum - his adoration and love for her - is truly inspirational.

So tomorrow we go early to take my lovely Mum to be with my lovely Dad for maybe the last time - or maybe one of the last times  - for them to meet in this life...... and I will now make some tuna sandwiches and a little pot of fruit salad - because as everyone (should) know - it is the little things in life that are the most important....

Wow isn't life precious...................

back home and happy to be so......

The work was good - in fact it was excellent...... hard and focussed - I think that is what I am good at - focussing - so we were not the whole of the SiS Catalyst family - but there was close on 30 of us - and we focussed - for 2 days - good stuff!

At the back of my mind the whole time - and wrapped up in my heart - were my Mum and Dad...... I was very conscious of my sister Fiona and Jimmy doing the hard visiting - trekking between the hospital and nursing home - feeling the day to day differences - the subtleties and nuances of their fraility and vulnerability - pretty grim stuff - so I was very aware that my being in Italy for a few days was not really helpful... but maybe - or of course - it was where I was supposed to be.

So I got home this evening and have put a hot water bottle in my bed - it feels very cold in Liverpool - but it's good to blogg xxxxx

long day....

This morning I went to work - then at 12 I left to go and see my Father in the nursing home to discuss what he wanted if he had a heart attack - resuscitation or not. We - my Dad, the Matron and I had a long and hard conversation - my Father didn't know whether he wanted resuscitation or not - but through the conversation I learn - he didn't want to be a nuisance – he couldn’t be bothered with living – and he didn’t want to leave us yet.........

Then I went to see my Mum who was remarkably cheerful considering she was still post-op on drips etc - a little girl in full flow, funny and doing really well – if not maybe well anchored in the real world..... then I went back to see my Father to tell him Mum was OK and to show him a photo of her on the Ipad – and then I drove home and sobbed as I drove – big shuddering waves of grief – so I stopped and had a lovely cup of coffee in a service station – and then I drove home to meet Jimmy off the bus back from Leeds and we went for dinner and talked.....

Tomorrow I go to Italy for a few days meetings – my wonderful sister Fiona will take on all the visiting – on top of everything else she is carrying - supported by nephews......she is the most amazing woman...

So I am feeling grateful and OK really - nauseous – but I think that is my body’s reaction to all this. Buffffff!!!!!

...........which of course means!!!!

......went to sleep on my blogg and woke really clear what is happening here - this is HEALING - wonderful healing - and very accelerated - and it's for all of us who are willing to step forward....... so that's my learning from last night!!

Learning - big time!!!

Trying to find time to stop in these busy, emotionally charged days to think about what I am learning - the interesting thing is that with so much going on - I can see other people's learning happening in front of me - and it's really, really wonderful to be able to do that - not sure if everyone else can do this - I must ask.....

Last night my Mum fell and broke her hip - and is now back in hospital (the same one - different ward!) She had surgery this afternoon and I have just been to see her - not a happy bunny - but a real fighter - planning when she's leaving - yes a bit tearful and sorry for herself - but with a childlike approach to 'getting better'. She will get better - go home - and..... she didn't go there - because of course my Dad is not there - he's in the Nursing Home - she had only 3 days of that one before she fell - this is a real whirlwind!!!!

But I can see my Mum's learning - she does repeat herself a lot - which probably makes it more visible - but she will say one thought - in various forms - but quite often - and then that will change and she will then repeat the new thought - so you can see the learning process quite clearly - and it is beautiful.

I believe that you live your life to learn - and that's what life is for - to learn - and of course at the heart of this is to learn to be happy..... Tonight I watched both of my parents tackling that full on - and for both of them from really hard places - and they both found much to be thankful for - and they both recognised their blessings and they both found moments of happiness which they shared with me - which makes my heart swell with love and pride for my two wonderful parents..... and my sisters.... and our families - and that just makes me very, very happy.......

Feeling the changes....

... there is clearly a lot of change going on my life at the moment... most visibly around my parents - Dad now in a nursing home - Mum coping but struggling on her own - Fiona and I doing well - but feeling the pressure.

But apart from that I am dreaming - livid and amazing dreams - not always remembering them - but living with some in my heart - as I can see/and feel them - big transformative dreams.....

Am awake now - 4.30 but think this time it's heart burn - fish and chips late last night with Jimmy - after going over to my parents! But also knowing that I have been dreaming again tonight..... So drinking mint tea - quick blogg - and hopefully some more sleep.....

Not unhappy with all of this - still feeling peaceful - though also have been weepy and emotional over last few days - and so tired!!!

Feeling loved.... don't feel alone.... am also feeling conscious of my sister's journeys running in parallel to my own - and now I think about that - my parents journeys as well -maybe that's who I'm meeting in these dreams! Hard work this transformation stuff!!!

Making decisions with my Dad

... tonight my Mum and I went to the hospital and my Dad made the decision to go into a nursing home.... it was his decision - though the alternative of a convalescent hospital a long way from my parents house was the only alternative.. however it was a decision that he made tonight.... it's now 2.30 in the morning and I can't sleep - I came home from the hospital quite late and felt quite sick and very exhausted... so went straight to bed... now I'm awake and still feeling rough - not certain if this is a reaction to today or just that I have picked up something - I hope I didn't take anything into a ward of frail and vulnerable old people.

Frail and vulnerable - is how I describe my wonderful Dad - a man who has been a straight upright man, all my life - I'm so lucky as I have a solid and special relationship with him - but now he is frail and vulnerable - but I am happy that he made the decision tonight - my sisters did all the work in identifying and arranging with the nursing home - but it was my job to be really sure that he was making the decision - it was good actually - he was very tired and talking was hard - but we had a laugh during the process - it was good to see his eyes smile - we were laughing at the inappropriateness of a sports convertible as a vehicle of choice for a 94 year old to get to a nursing home!!

I love my lovely Dad..........

Not sure where I am at the moment....

.... but it feels OK - in fact it feels pretty amazing - in a slightly weird and a bit spaced out sort of way! It feels like something has stayed from Spirithorse - a kind of beautiful peacefulness - which is slightly in contrast to my life at the moment - which could be a bit stressful!

My sisters Jenny and Ann are walking the Camino de Santiago and left on Saturday - they will be away 6/7 weeks - which is something that they have both wanted to do for a very long time, so that is special and important - and it means that Fiona and I need to support our parents - my Dad is back in hospital - and very frail - and my Mum is on her own and feeling lonely and depressed.

.............. and I just feel amazingly happy! I don't know quite why - my Father is getting closer to dying and my Mum is having to look at her own mortality - something that she has got to the age of 91 without doing before - so that is a bit of a shock to her system - she is actually just not going there - old age and death are for other people!! She is looking really beautiful, and has a child-likeness which is also beautiful..... she has also got an insight which I don't  think that she realises. For example when I talked to her on the phone last night - she said 'Your Dad's not really in this world anymore.' And she is right - he is not really in this world anymore - he is just so tired and frail - but very wonderful and caring - always thinking about my Mum - worrying about her.

I am filling up with tears as I think of how my Mother put her hand on my Dad's  - trying to connect in the impersonal awkward reality of a hospital bed and visitors chair.... and my Dad asking if my Mum had eaten soup - he talked a lot about soup - comfort food - worrying - then drifting away..... he is very old and very tired........... but my Mum just continues, talking, wanting to go swimming, wanting to go out and do things, forgetting a lot of day to day details but still so full of energy....

Energy - I have just been dancing and feel so very alive, awash with energy, buzzing and electrified with energy - though it feels a very peaceful energy - a calm and gentle energy - just a lot of it!!!!!

Perhaps I have to feel this good to do what I have to do over the next few weeks - or maybe people like me just feel happy and joyful - because it is where we are... I don't know - I do know I can see the pain, the grief, the fear and the longing - I can see it in myself as well as in others - I recognise it - but it is the edge - the point where joy/grief exist together that we live on - we just have to accept that and then decide which one to live with!

It all feels a bit bonkers!!!

..... and it does! 

Being back in the real/unreal world has been pretty hard - have talked to others - so know I'm not alone - which is always such a good thing to know..... 

I do think a lot at the moment - about what I know/don't know .... and know - that I actually know - very, very little - but also know that this in itself is so very exciting!!! 

But also know - that the unknown that we live in - is becoming more and more 'unknown' - yet more and more OK.

So what does this mean - well I'm coming to terms with being me - this working woman, mother, daughter, the woman of this world, with all that this involves... which does at the moment feel pretty unreal - but also recognising that this is also OK!

Think I am finally coming back down to earth after weeks in Peru followed by Spirithorse... whatever that means!!!!!!

Bufff!!!!!!!!!!! But remarkably peaceful!

Have just got back from the Cauldron of Plenty - Spirithorse - and not certain where to start....... My last two Cauldrons have been swirling mixes of chaos and huge events - feeling the real edge of madness and sanity - plunging into the maelstrom - and it all taking my journey forward in huge giant sized leaps.

This year was totally different - really, really peaceful, a beautiful harmony of belonging and clarity.... great, great joy.... but above all the happiness of family (the village)... of belonging - of loving and being loved - joyful but also really purposeful........ and I wasn't alone in my feeling - it was different for all of us - the last few turbulent years.... from well before I went to the valley - had produced a beautiful bud of clear intention...... and we were glorious!

This blogg probably makes even less sense that the others! It is very difficult to put into words - where we have been - to a place which is so deep and profound - way, way beyond emotion - a clarity of understanding which comes from a meeting of open hearts, in a special place. My overwhelming feeling is one of sense of purpose and clarity - which is a really good way to start a new working year... and it does feel like a new year, a clear start.

So physically very tired, with good reason - living life to the full!!!  Now back home - my little spare room full of a drying bell tent and damp groundsheet etc -  thankfully not too damp as it did stop raining most of today - unlike the previous three days and nights!

Clarity, gratitude and bursting with joy - though knowing deep in my soul the duality of this - how blessed am I - Always Happy...........

Home and happy

... and it's very late and I should go to bed - but am wide awake and buzzing after a lovely evening of talking on the phone to special people.... friends and family..... and hanging embroidered Peruvian things on my walls..... and coming back to this life.... and smiling a lot!!!

Got back early evening yesterday and after driving to the shops, and looking around the streets where the disturbances were whilst I was away, I went out to catch up with Fernando who has been here for a couple of weeks whilst I was in Peru.... which was funny.... and working today which was a bit surreal...  and then on Thursday I go to Spirithorse... that feels very good.

I think I have a lot to 'process' after Peru - at the moment everything feels a bit like I'm living out of a suitcase - with a bit here and a bit there, but it also feels happy - which of course is crucially important!

So I am happy, feeling excited about a weekend in the beautiful Pennant valley with wonderful people... that's special.... can't help but say it - as it's over-whelming - how lucky am I?

Tengo suerte - and it is just so true - lucky - but also grateful for all the amazing blessings that this life has given me. Wow - three camels, a llama, an alpaca and a vicuna now decorate my hundred year old Turkish carpet - bonkers but beautiful - way to go!!!!

Being recognised - is so wonderful

A short blogg as on phone - wifi - in a hotel in Aquas Calientes - the town closest to Machu Picchu..... the technology of both then and now - is just - AWESOME.

I am in awe and wonderment after an extraordinary few days - I called this blogg 'being recognised' and I have been - and am - and the joy is that I - ME - is also beginning to recognise - what others do... I love these - it's all so obvious moments - when your whole body tingles with energy and it's all so clear - wonderfully joyous!!

Another day here - and a night in Cusco - then we're of to Lima - I am excited.........

working in Peru?

.... how extraordinary! Tomorrow, hopefully Rene will arrive here in Cusco - her journey delayed by a day - she will be knackered when she finally gets here. Jim and I had another extra-ordinary day - a train journey from Puno to here - a full day of richness - that seems to be the word to describe Peru - rich.......

The other day we saw many condors - 10 at one time - sweeping lazily above and below us - just beautiful and special - then a day of boats and islands on Lake Titicaca - and now I'm in one hotel and Jim somewhere else and tomorrow the conference starts..... and of course I met a man on the train who is also going to the conference - with children links to Croatia and France - he's Canadian - so I will know 2 people - but suspect that I will link with several more. Am very excited about this conference as I know it is important to me - but don't yet know why - but of course that will become clear in time.

So tomorrow I must work - whatever that means - and do it in Peru - buffffffff!!!!!!

Being blessed......

......and knowing it. Jim and I are now well into our travels in Peru - everyday a rich mixture of sights and people - an amazing country - its history visible in its people and its landscapes - both extra-ordinary..... just love it... even more special to be travelling with my beautiful youngest son......

Got an email from a Peruvian friend yesterday which said - te lo mereces - which I translated as - you deserve it - refering to my happiness - I feel overwhelmed with emotion - how can I deserve to be be so happy and so blessed?

I am blessed and I am extraordinarily happy - how rich is my life? I must appreciate and be grateful for every precious second........

Today a drive through herds of llamas and alpacas to colca canjon, hot volcanic springs and hopefully tomorrow condors...... wow wow wow - soy bendecida y llena de gratitud xxxxx

Peru.......

Had just had 2 most beautiful days in Lima - life is amazing - you just never know what is going to happen - in this journey called LIFE!

Jim due to join me tonight - then we will travel around this extraordinary country - but the learning is about myself of course - am so happy!!!!!!!!

Strangely restless...

It's Sunday evening and I have had a busy weekend - but also moments like now - when I don't have anything to do - so thought I'd write my blogg!

Am getting ready to go to Peru - very early Tuesday morning and as I'm dancing tomorrow night I am all packed - a day in advance - unheard of!!! I should really clean my flat but it's half seven at night and I just can't be bothered - it's OK - I have done it superficially! Don't need to cook as had huge lunch with my parents - they doing well - it was really lovely being with them - they were both content.... good feeling - happy for me and with me....

Went to the dancers beach party last night - didn't stay all night - but it was great to dance outdoors - haven't done that for a while - since Turkey - and it was just fabulous to dance on the sand and witness the tide coming right up - and seeing the sky darken and the clouds glow... and just being outside - I do live so much indoors. Don't have a garden any more - but I do see the sky all the time from my convertible car!!!!! Unless it's absolutely pouring with rain - I have the top off! But I did enjoy being outside so much last night - should probably do it more often -and am sure I will in the future.

It's really interesting not knowing what my future will be, where I will go, how my life will pan out.... I am certain that there is another man waiting for me in the future, another lovely man - but when I will meet him, or where is from - could be anytime and anywhere! How exciting!!!!! I love my blogg - I write things without thinking - and am now smiling at what I've written - I think my future, my new lovely man and the outdoors are all linked - but we will see what we will see - I have an open heart and am just very excited about my future.......

My immediate future is a very, very busy day at work....... I worked so hard last week - not going to finish everything I wanted to - but had a good go - my office is also a horrible mess - but hey it's a productive happy mess!! Then off to Peru - wow - wow - wow - how amazing is that - I'm going to Lima and will meet some university people and then I'm due to meet Jimmy on Friday - he's in Austen, Texas at the moment - then we will travel - islands, Nazca lines, lakes and condors..... then ending up in Cusco where we will meet Rene - as we are going to a conference together - we've just been talking - my Montana sister - then the three of us will go to Machu Picchu together.. ... so holiday and a bit of work - but what a huge privilege my life is - utterly amazing......... I have no idea how I have ended up so blessed???

Thinking about that is what I do a lot - I suppose it's chicken and egg - I am lucky and I am blessed - and I can love and I do love - and I was wonderfully loved by one special man for over 30 years - so ..... and I continue to be loved and to love ... and am happy - very happy - a sort of glowing happiness from the inside - as I said - how blessed am I?????

Still a bit restless - excited in a holding myself sort of way - hehehehe!!!!!!!!!

Porto.......

Waking up in Portugal....... It’s a beautiful sunny morning and I am in Porto – after a pretty whirlwind week – last Sunday I woke in Cairo in a ridiculously posh 5 star hotel in a country of contrast and revolution.... still with me strongly that experience.... so much to learn from the desire/will to change – palpable and forceful like an energy in the air.

Then a busy week of Liverpool and Leeds, Alex’s graduation – emotional and charged with lots of Chris moments and reflections.... wonderful to see Alex and Lara together starting their new lives together in France... a ‘couple with furniture’ was how my Mother described them........ busy, busy at work with moments of sadness and witness of how hard it is for so many people to be happy in this lifetime.

It has also been a week of trying to eat/not eat anything which my Egyptian tummy bug agrees/disagrees with - it hasn’t agreed with much – apple juice, bananas and dry toast – it seems to tolerate – and it has been a week of eating out and dinners!!

My time in Portugal has been lovely, my hosts have been wonderful and I have learnt a lot. I love to visit other university models and for the first time in my life I do feel I actually have knowledge about something. I can see with some clarity an overview of how children’s university type activities are not only delivered, operate and are funded etc and also am able to reflect on how these fit into the university and educational systems and the role of key players etc – to see behind these to the level of acceptance of ‘change’ and the movement of energy around change....... ..... suppose that’s what I do now – to see and reflect and then to ‘know’ ...... it is amazing to have some knowledge – as I don’t think I have ever really felt I ‘knew’ anything..... I can’t remember details of names, events or facts but I suppose I can listen and ask questions and get a strong feeling about things.... bufff and then I don’t think - I just ‘feel’ – go with my intuition..... love it – bonkers but wonderful!!!

So it’s Sunday morning and I have shall have a leisurely breakfast of apple juice, banana and toast, might be brave and have some scrambled eggs as well! Then I shall explore the city of Porto... I have visited several Faculties and seen quite a few bits of the city and surrounding area but I shall just wander and see what I shall see ..... how lucky am I?

where I am now....

...is Leeds, staying in a B&B with Alex and Lara as today he graduates as Dr Jenkins! His Dad would have been so proud of him. Chris would be very happy and proud of all three of his beautiful sons, they are truly wonderful young men.

I suppose it is on days like today that I reflect on Chris not being here...... but the amazing thing about Chris was he often didn't do things, because he couldn't walk that far, but he was always so beautifully accepting of that - he never had to actually see, to be at things...... to appreciate them. For example he didn't go to Alex's last graduation, he was here with us in Leeds but my Mum and Dad went to the actually ceremony - which was a unique and very special occasion for them. So like everything because he accepted and enjoyed what he was able to do..... others had an opportunity which they wouldn't have had.......

My learning with Chris was huge... because I wanted to do everything, to experience things first hand, where as he could gain huge pleasure by witnessing..... Special, special man - how lucky was I to have been his mate for so many,many years? I don't feel him with me very often these days, but I do feel his peace constantly. I also know that my ability now - to accept and to enjoy the small things in life - is something that he taught me...... my heart glows with love.

It's very early in the morning and my body is still a bit wobbly dealing with something I ate in Egypt..... these things take time - it's teaching me patience! I had an extraordinarily wonderful time in Egypt - working in alignement with people who are embracing change.......... and they embraced me as an agent of change....... Remarkable!!!!! And I went to the Pyramids and rode a camel and was very, very happy......

Today the graduation ceremony then to Portugal on Thursday.......wow, wow, wow....I live in a whirlwind - but loving every second of this blessing called LIFE..........

trains home..

..... am on train home from London after dinner with very special group of people - after day conference on Aimhigher legacy - surprised how emotional I feel tonight - but glad I am here and feeling this..... it has been in many ways the last 12 years of my life!!! I was so glad that I was there today - it was such a combination of legacy and future.... real people now living on the edge ..... loved the fearlessness!!

So am on train on way home - listening to loud music on headphones - Mogwai - revelling in the technology - how cool is it to be on a train, writing a blogg on an ipad - just love the technology - I also just love the passion of today - some people have it - but there are also some people in this world who just don't have passion - who at the bottom level actually don't care enough about others, or themselves to be able to give anything - wow that is the hardest thing have ever said or written - about others - but felt I had to say it - buffff!

buzzing in Brussels - but gently!

Am in Brussels and feeling really good - it's Sunday evening and I have just had dinner with two wonderful young people and tomorrow we will spend a day working on Work Package 7 - that sounds boring - but the reality is just huge - and tonight we had a great conversation, sweeping and soaring and seeing opportunities - just love it - and it's my job!!!

Full on weekend really - I was up for 22 hours yesterday - very early start to run Jim to the airport - he's in Quebec now - then cooking for my Mum and Dad in the morning - loved that - afternoon with Paul and Sue - love them - visiting Pat - hard place but she's a fighter - then get changed and went to the Everyman Last Night Party - it was great - special for so many people - lots of wonderful connections and lots and lots and lots of dancing - just going for it dancing - great music - fantastic atmosphere - loads of sweaty bodies - dancing - fantastic - enjoyed it so much - thank you Vanessa I was thinking I was too tired but you got me there and I had such an amazing night.

So did nothing today but come back to earth and then flew to Brussels...... like you do....

The connections are accelerating - talking tonight about writing the bid - less than 2 years ago - but the ability to connect has already changed - we just have to see the doors that are open and walk through them - and that includes the doors that the technology opens for us - having no fear just walking through the door that is open in front of us - hey that's what it's all about!!!!!

clouds.........

Love it - thought I'd blogg about the fairly busy stuff happening at the moment in my life - hospital visiting etc and so much momentum at work with things to do etc..... and I write 'Clouds' as the title to this blogg!

OK - I am at the moment quite obsessed by the beauty of clouds - their colours, shapes, constant movement - they epitomise change - completely un-holdable - you cannot ever touch a cloud - they are just mist - but they are also just so solid in the sky. Their movement, beautiful shapes and colours - the light reflecting within, behind and around them - the way that light beams from and through them - just amazing!!!! OK I just love clouds!

Back to reality - Pat in hospital after a stroke last night - visiting her tonight - witnessing her fear - also knowing she should make a good recovery - 47 is young to be where she is....

Talking to my Mum on the phone - home but not happy - well emotional - and coming to terms with her next steps - wow - she's alive.... she fought so hard to be home - But she just doesn't want to be a 91 year old recovering from major surgery - home with her lovely old man - she is just so young at heart and she just wants to be YOUNG!! She is just not good at being old - and her youthfulness is inspirational - and she has all the impatience of the young - absolutely wonderful.

I don't feel young tonght - I actually feel quite old and tired - physically and also deep inside myself - but that's OK and it doesn't feel heavy - it feels right - so that's where I am.... it's still light so I will just watch some more of those amazing clouds and listen to my latest Jim music present - and it's not only OK it's wonderful.........

feeling many things.....

..... it's Monday evening and I've been dancing - for the first time for 3 weeks - I have so missed it - tonight in the warm up I was just so full of energy I couldn't do anything but dance! Then loved the flowing wave and went deep - and let go - which was what I needed - it has been a pretty tough few weeks - great weeks but tough.

Tonight my sister Jenny texted me to say Mum should be going home on Wednesday - which is pretty impressive - they talked about 2/3 weeks convalescence - but all being well it will be less than 1 week.

Witnessing my parents life over the last few weeks has been truly inspirational. I'm feeling very emotional tonight - the dance and thinking about my Mum and Dad - visiting them both on Saturday - and the love they have for each other - they met and married 66/65 years ago.... and the last three weeks has been so hard for them both - but it has also brought them more alive and conscious of their love for each other ...... in a way that is truly inspirational - can't think of another word......

Yes so tonight - after dancing - I have eventually stopped moving - I also received a little video from Rob for his Nan from Croatia, just perfect - Alex made one of Grenoble yesterday - his hostel, views of the city and an ice cream - this came about because I made videos of my parents house and my Dad for my Mum on Saturday - and then made a little video of my Mum for my boys - everyone a tearjerker!

So am home - my lovely Mum in hospital but fighting it beautifully - so strong - with such a will to live - my lovely Dad - coming back from his indifference to live - my sisters doing so much more than me - but also accepting that. So back to my mantra - how extraordinarily lucky am I!!!!!!!

wonderfully, deliciously and amazingly exhausted but totally energised!!!!!!

which is pretty mad..... but also where I am - after a week away - and just the most fantastic time...... the very best bit was the meeting of minds... and we did just that - and it was mind blowing!!!!

It was also exhausting - I suppose I could have gone to bed earlier and got up later, and I suppose I could have not put quite so much energy and enthusiasm into everything I did - but hey it was important and good work and I was with such amazing people.... I reflected on them in the airport tonight, on my way home, and felt such a huge wave of gratitude for the truly amazing and inspirational people that are in my life.

The SiS Catalyst Family and Friends are just so.............. open..... the connections went deep and strong..... and we have really begun to believe in what we are doing.... it was visible and tangible and just so so strong.....

It will be hard to explain what actually did happen but I like the concept of 'mind blowing' because that was what we did..... blow our own and each others minds! It was then followed by another conference which was rich with ideas but it did not have the pace and passion of SiS Catalyst - it was deliciously full of dear friends of many years and wonderful new people, connecting, connecting.... connecting...... I just so love this.

Home now, travel easy, catching up on my Mum's progress and my lovely Dad.. survivors.....

Work tomorrow so must go to bed... it's lovely to be home... and although I'm shattered I am also feeling very full of energy, sorting of glowing with it... can feel it coursing around my body... which is a bit strange but also pretty wonderful - buff I do think I am more than a bit bonkers!!!!!

Should be in bed but mind reeling.........

It's late and I'm off to Amsterdam tomorrow, haven't packed and will have a very busy few days...... but am trying to get myself to move to bed and an early start to pack...... but it doesn't seem to be happening!

Tonight I visited my lovely Dad, at home alone, though good, more awake than he's been for several months....and then my lovely Mum in the intensive care ward after her operation of last night. She had major surgery yesterday evening, and survived...... she is currently healing well ..... but it's early days.

Buffff!!!!!! Big stuff this life and death drama of existence..... felt so powerfully the point of being alive tonight... to feel the joy of loving the presence of my wonderful parents in my life... to have them, and their love for each other, as well as their love for me and all their family.......... but also so keenly conscious of the 'edge' between joy/grief... and reflecting on that - this is what life is all about!

So.... it is very late - I have a very, very busy few days ahead of me..... and am counting my many, many blessings xxxxxx

What I also learnt in Turkey.....

...... is that our eyes contain the energy of our Mother Earth.....

Well I've been to Turkey..................

................ and it was?????????

Well the words that make most sense are...heart warming...... and tonight at home - my heart is very warm/sensitive/open... and on reflection I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the intensity of the week.......

It was truly amazing though. I have never been to Turkey before and just loved how I connected to people - in an extra-ordinary way, and in many ways........... and not just once or twice, but again and again..... it was ... just that ... heart-warming - the more I do this - the more I connect with people, strangers, as well as colleagues and friends.. the more I love the connections I make, the joy of making things happen, recognising our creativity and our potential.... just connecting!

The conference in Ankara was just lovely - we were made so welcomed and the days and nights blend into a joyous memory of inspiration, happiness and amazing energy ... and dancing... truly magical... and it was good work.

Istanbul was different but also very special, a weekend on my own - in an amazing city, I am finding it hard to find words to describe how much I enjoyed it... it was a truly fantastical weekend - pretty bonkers but also pretty amazing. I feel I have learnt so much about myself this weekend... which sounds a bit weird - well not learnt - but consolidated thinking... like lots of things falling together like a jigsaw.. a lot of this is about me - and my intentions for the future.. which have been getting clearer for a while - it was like they all sort of settled inside me... recognising who I am.... going deeper and being totally honest with myself... and then just really being/living this person.. who by the way is pretty mind-blowing!

This intensity of love of life being magnified by my Mum going to hospital on Friday - and me being so far away but being kept informed... I called in on the way back from the airport and saw my Dad and will go with Jim to see my Mum tomorrow night - she was going to have to have an operation but it looks increasingly likely they can treat her without surgery. Which is good. My Dad today was amazing, he seems energised - his love for my Mother being his whole life.... and his pain that he wasn't able to use the phone on Friday because he is too deaf, when she needed to go to hospital.... and his comfort that my Mum had no pain when he visited her today, all giving him an increased reason/ability to live.... every second is precious when you are 94.............

Buff - this is life ... and sometimes it is so hard.. but also so beautifully preciously wonderful - my lovely Dad is so amazing.. he is home alone tonight.. my Mum in hospital... hard for both of them - on their own after a lifetime of sleeping together... he was so strong this afternoon.. inspirational.. all these thoughts adding to the Turkey wave of emotion!

So no conclusions here tonight... turmoil... but deep inside I am getting stronger...

Buffff that's what it's all about.

Camping.....

Every second of this wonderful life is precious.

It's Sunday evening and I have just come back from a wonderfully sunny and laughter filled weekend camping in Wales. Vanessa and I left work a bit early on Friday evening and drove down through North Wales to Snowdonia and the coast, to meet other lovely friends in Shell Island for a perfect weekend of camping. Lots of really special moments, a day on the beach, sea and sand framed by mountains, Minnie the dog on one and the funniest game of charades ever - adults acting out the rudest things that 8/9 year old girls could come up with!!!

So much laughter... but also time to talk, with special moments of deep conversations. The amazing joy of being in the countryside - the birds welcoming us awake and then serenading us at dusk, clear skies full of stars - with shooting stars - and the colours of the mountains with their many depths of green.... wonderful!

This evening of coming home, a beautiful deep bath and gentle domesticity..... I have been thinking about childhood.... something I have reflecting on a lot recently - talking tonight to my Mum........ my lovely Dad is now no longer wanting to eat, gently giving in to his tiredness..... I have been thinking a lot about his love for me, and how I accepted love as a natural part of my childhood...... increasingly recognising that so many people did not feel loved as children and how that is such a huge burden to carry around a lifetime of being an adult........

Increasingly understanding that the one thing we cannot control, change, take responsibility for............. is our childhood. We are born, where we are born, of the parents we are born of, into the family circumstances that we are born into...... and this then shapes us into who we are and this makes us the adults we become - so much learning.... and so much unlearning and remembering........ buffff!

Every second of this wonderful life is precious!!!!

back again - but from where?

....landing gently from ... not certain what... 10 days away from my life here... my lovely little flat, my work, all those emails.... from just being the organised working woman, daughter, mother etc.... though with the technology I kept in touch - with my lovely Dad being in hospital after the party, Rob getting home to Croatia, Jimmy being in Barcelona....... but I also had space and time to be away from all of it.... to just be me and to dance.... gloriously.

It wasn't easy dancing. If you dance deeply it is not all fun, you push yourself to go to the edge... and as I dance more and more deeply - and give myself the time to do so.... I do go to the edge... see it/feel it/dance it... and that's not an easy place to be... it is however a wonderful place to be...to go to the next layer of the onion skin..... to go to that point of duality. It can be many things - joy/grief .... sunshine/darkness .... acceptance/denial... faith/fear... the edge.... but to be there and to feel/see that you are there ... is amazing and that's where I've been..... dancing..... consciously breathing.... consciously alive - how lucky am I?

The week dancing was also wrapped up in a week of friendship, Fernando picking me up in Girona and taking me to Arlequi , then picking me up a week later for a weekend of football and barbecues with his friends, followed by a night in Barcelona with Ana and her family... wonderful... special and joyful... though after a week's dancing I was probably pretty glowing...

I also spoke a lot of Spanish, which was good as I have got very rusty without Hector....getting home today after a delayed flight for a reception event which is bringing me back into the world of work... though not there yet! I did do a first trawl of emails yesterday and tomorrow I will go back and be sensible... and be me... the sensible one with her feet on the ground... though I will be clearer in my intentions... that's what dancing does for you... makes thing clearer... if you let yourself go with it.... which I did!

So feeling wonderfully awake and a bit spaced at the same time...... looking at the colour of the sky - it's an amazingly beautiful turquoisey blue - heart singing, very happy... ready to be the other me again..... though she is pretty bonkers too!!!!

Beautiful birthday party...

... and my little Jim is now 21. We had a wonderful and very uncomplicated birthday BBQ at my Mum and Dad's house. Family, 4 generations of special people, 20 of us all together .... for completeness there should have been 21 of us - and writing that has made me think - something that I have been feeling all day - that there was someone missing..... and of course there was.... Chris... but also Heff and Michael..... missing but also present.

A lot of joy and happiness, little Aidan the most gorgeous centre of attention, easy laughter and joking, but also a consciousness of the preciousness of life - my lovely Dad getting frailer and frailer.... the missing ones................ but maybe that's how you should feel... joy and happiness in the present with a profound appreciation of the specialness of every moment of life......

So it's Saturday evening Alex's still here - out with his little brother partying, Rob now gone to London. I'm all packed up and ready to go to Spain very early tomorrow morning for a weeks dancing and breathing................ wow every second is precious.

Completely unexpected night...............

... though not certain why - because I should have known.. but I hadn't really thought about it - which on reflection is amazing..................

OK - tonight my 3 sons are in Liverpool - blogg readers know this is not going to just happen - as only one lives in Liverpool (though not with me) one lives in Croatia and one lives in Cambridge - though not for long as he is moving to France shortly - but the magic is - It just hadn't occurred to me that they could/would all be here tonight...................

The have now gone to the pub - and I am just so blessed to have these three beautiful young men in my life.

Wide awake and unable to sleep.......

It's Saturday night - well no Sunday morning now - and I just can't get to sleep .... and after trying for a couple of hours - I have given up and decided to write my blogg. I know why I can't sleep as I came back from a lovely, if somewhat boozy, afternoon at Nita's - the first of Jimmy's 21st Birthday celebrations - so well fed and very happy, I fell asleep in my rather comfortable reclining chair - so entirely my own fault.... but it's horrible when you can't sleep and things start whirling and worming their way into your brain.

So a mug of cocoa, music, lavender oil and my blogg.... will probably crash out mid sentence!

This time last year we had a barbecue in the garden of Cheltenham Avenue for Jim's birthday, with Rob living round the corner and Alex coming from Leeds. This year we will have a party at my Mum and Dad's - Rob's coming over from Croatia and Alex is coming up from Cambridge - his last visit before he moves to Grenoble with Lara...

Just looked back at my blogg of a year ago... right in the thick of moving.. so I have nearly lived here in this lovely little flat for a year.. I suppose it feels like a year... but it also has flashed by... like life I suppose... time seems so accelerated.....

My little baby Jimmy is also going to be 21 next Saturday.... he is an amazingly wonderful young man, now standing so very tall, wonderfully laid back and easy going... and happy... what more can a Mother ask for.... a joy.

Wasn't certain what I was going to write about - as I started this blogg because I couldn't sleep but writing that has made me think about where I've been today.... Nita's .... we started by going bowling with Neil's son and grandson, Pat, Jim, Nita and I..... and it was fun ...... we laughed a lot and then went back for a roast dinner, joined by Neil and his carer later in the afternoon. We talked families/friends/family and the importance of the connections... the beautiful little things which are done with love... sometimes not even noticed but truly the most important things in life.

Sometimes these little things build up over years to become huge sacrifices - like giving so much unselfishly and unstintingly.... I feel humbled by our human capacity to love unconditionally... I seem to see clearly tonight that if love is given with strings attached it isn't really given... so it can't be returned... but the sheer wonder of being able to love and to accept it in return is magical. Also makes me think how harsh it is for those who can't accept/give love.... that hurts, the closure, the closed heart that doesn't give love... so can never receive it....

So on that cheerful note - I'll try and go to sleep!!!

Clouds and ideas

Have just got back from Brussels after what seems like a very long few days...... meetings and a conference and all new people... well a handful that I've met briefly before but non that I know... so very on my own - which was OK ... and I did get to know some of them ... there was over 400 people there.... but some people I expect to meet again...... strange world this... meeting people, complete strangers, who have some point of contact/shared interest because we are at the same conference/meeting - some never to meet again - some to work with possibly closely, some to become friends.......

It was quite a hard few days actually, felt pretty much on my own... which of course I'm not... but having to make a complaint at a senior level about the pace of things... and presenting SiS Catalyst to a really diverse audience - officials from the EC who knew the project well - or knew of it - and the whole movement of thinking/funding/strategy behind it and a lots of science teachers from around Europe, all of whom are passionate about their subject and teaching - but know nothing about my agenda - all in 10 minutes with questions - pitching that was seriously not easy!!!

But the other thing that was going on was ideas, talking, thinking...... and some really, really good stuff........I love that ... just absolutely love it ... and when I hear myself thinking aloud - I am amazed by some off the things I say... and it's extraordinary as I can see myself having thoughts and verbalizing them - and know that this the start of the process which makes ideas real... So I can feel my mind whirling tonight.. with lots and lots of ideas - some of which are now beginning to take a firm shape.

I thought about this when I was flying home - and watching clouds - and I thought that clouds are just like ideas........................

Ok what I was thinking was - if you look at a cloud from the earth it looks really solid, dense, white/grey - obscuring the sun, taking shape and REAL.....but when you are in a cloud - it actually doesn't exist at all - it is just a white mist....

So I was thinking about how ideas are like clouds but in reverse! When you have an idea it is like a white mist - it's not clear - it doesn't have a shape - it's nebulous (cloudy or cloud like) but when you get at a distance from an idea you see that it is actually solid and real - and off they go!!!

Not certain how far the cloud/idea analogy goes but it gave me great pleasure coming home ... and stayed with me now I am back in my lovely flat.. bit knackered but ready to sleep on these whirling mists of ideas and see what comes out tomorrow - and then make them happen!!!!! That's what it's all about - making ideas reality - but it makes me mindful that we have to be careful as to exactly what ideas we create!