..... and today started in Kolkata around 5.30 this morning - taxi past people living on the side of the road - flying to Dubai in a plane of young men - wearing labels and off to work in the gulf - Dubai airport yughh - and back to Liverpool via Manchester.
Rob was waiting for me, the house is full of 'work in progress' and Jimmy seems to have coped well - haven't seen him as my flight was delayed and he had a band to see!
The presentation went well, I met and talked to a lot of people and I now have to think about the next steps.
Feel very happy to be home - I think Fiona had a great time - she needed to do something special - and now I must go to bed.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
6 months to the day
Yesterday and today are 6 months exactly from when Chris died. I obviously have had it in my mind and did feel it last night. But and I have to say this all the time as it is true – how lucky am I – to be the guest at a British Council dinner in Kolkata which was so different and so extraordinary - let alone being in a different time zone.
There were also a few people there last night that I know and they all knew about Chris – and those firsts were always going to be hard – but good.
India is amazing another action packed day yesterday – and really good conversations last night – I am so glad we had the couple of days before the conference – as it is such new territory.
Today I do my presentation.
There were also a few people there last night that I know and they all knew about Chris – and those firsts were always going to be hard – but good.
India is amazing another action packed day yesterday – and really good conversations last night – I am so glad we had the couple of days before the conference – as it is such new territory.
Today I do my presentation.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Kolkata day 3?
Or is day 23 – not quite sure. I am thoroughly enjoying culture shock and although Fiona is having a great time I think she is finding it quite hard.
Yesterday we did temples, monkeys, handicraft emporium and an evening out on our own – we got lost and ended up walking through dark streets, with people sleeping, life on the street and dogs. In retrospect we should have got a crazy yellow taxi but we didn’t and ended up stumbling into a restaurant that a friend of Mike had recommended and after waiting a while to get in – we had the best curry we have ever had in our lives.
Today we had an amazing time with two young men Khan and Anwar – we went to the Victorian Pavilion and then across the river and then on an auto rickshaw to the botanical gardens where we saw a Banyan tree which is over 250 years old.
What more can I say – India is amazing…………………………. See below
And then on the way back there was a herd of goats on the main dual carriageway!
Yesterday we did temples, monkeys, handicraft emporium and an evening out on our own – we got lost and ended up walking through dark streets, with people sleeping, life on the street and dogs. In retrospect we should have got a crazy yellow taxi but we didn’t and ended up stumbling into a restaurant that a friend of Mike had recommended and after waiting a while to get in – we had the best curry we have ever had in our lives.Today we had an amazing time with two young men Khan and Anwar – we went to the Victorian Pavilion and then across the river and then on an auto rickshaw to the botanical gardens where we saw a Banyan tree which is over 250 years old.
What more can I say – India is amazing…………………………. See below
And then on the way back there was a herd of goats on the main dual carriageway!
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Kolkata
Well – this morning I woke up in Kolkata!
It’s 8 o’clock here which means by body thinks it’s 2.30 in the morning and it feels like it!
We have both got up early as we want to go a temple and yesterday we were out mid day and the song Mad dogs and English men came to mind.
Yesterday was probably the craziest day I have ever had – and I feel I could easily fall in love with India. What this means I’m not sure……………..
We are going with a taxi driver to a temple today but what else who knows!
It’s 8 o’clock here which means by body thinks it’s 2.30 in the morning and it feels like it!
We have both got up early as we want to go a temple and yesterday we were out mid day and the song Mad dogs and English men came to mind.
Yesterday was probably the craziest day I have ever had – and I feel I could easily fall in love with India. What this means I’m not sure……………..
We are going with a taxi driver to a temple today but what else who knows!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Feeling a bit nervous
Tomorrow I go to India and the work starts on the bathroom. Feeling very nervous, so am having a glass of wine and trying to calm down.
Apart from having a window fitted and taking the transnational bid to the next stage, picking up a new mirror as the one I ordered wont be available until June, getting a delivery of the wrong tiles and trying to stay calm – been a quiet sort of day!
Feel I haven’t done enough research into India and am quite nervous about my presentation, so many unknowns.
So big breath and sip of wine and think on - how lucky am I to be going to India and the tiles aren’t the ones I ordered but they are very nice!
Apart from having a window fitted and taking the transnational bid to the next stage, picking up a new mirror as the one I ordered wont be available until June, getting a delivery of the wrong tiles and trying to stay calm – been a quiet sort of day!
Feel I haven’t done enough research into India and am quite nervous about my presentation, so many unknowns.
So big breath and sip of wine and think on - how lucky am I to be going to India and the tiles aren’t the ones I ordered but they are very nice!
Saturday, March 17, 2007
A busy Saturday
In the middle of getting myself prepared to go to India, I got a phone call last week from Bernard the builder to say he’s ready to start on my new bathroom – so as well as sorting out things for me going and me not being here – I have also been sorting out the fitting of a new window for Wednesday and then today running around buying tiles and bathroom accessories! There seems to be a lot of things to sort!
I feel bad that Jim’s going to have to be here on his own but Rob will be around – and Alex for a couple of days – Rob and I went out last night and then over to my Mum and Dad’s today and talked - he is great and will be here for Jimmy. So another first - going to India and leaving Jim in a house undergoing building work.
Jim seems OK about it and told me not to postpone it – he is really looking forward to the Power Shower at the end of it all! I suppose that this is all part of Jimmy growing up – and looking back at my last blogg – in someways perhaps it’s a good thing – it does add to my nervousness of going away though.
Alan L and Neil are both now out of hospital which is good – and I have thought about Moira and Nita a lot. It sound selfish but one of the thoughts I have had - has been - how glad I am that Chris didn’t have any time in hospital – he would have hated it so much.
Lovely emails and phone calls from friends this week – and although I do seem to be finding things quite hard at the moment – I do feel loved and supported.
Went for lunch with Richard on Thursday – who lost his wife with cancer and then brought up the children on his own – he said something which I found really helpful – he talked about how young people see time – a whole day is a long time and next month, next year is too far away to contemplate. I see that in Jim - he is very of the moment – if he’s down or upset it’s now – and later on in the day I can still be worrying about him etc and he has moved on and is feeling OK - now. I found it very comforting as it has made me understand that Jim and I are living in different time zones!
Saturday night and I’m on my own – Jim’s out with his mates – and after nearly 6 months – I am getting more used to this. The other thing about India I realised today is that it will be 6 months from when Chris died whilst I’m away and in someways this is adding to my nervousness.
Now to be positive – for me to be going away to India 6 months after Chris died is amazing – I haven’t written my presentation yet and that’s adding to my worries – but that’s work and I increasingly feel – I can do that. Yes – work wise I do feel OK – the bit that worries me – is my boys.
Rob talked last night about how lucky we are to live when we do – and he is right – and I am thrilled to hear him talk this way – he also talked about the reality of depression – and also how much he missed his Dad. Good conversations.
I am so lucky and know I'm so lucky - which is good.
I feel bad that Jim’s going to have to be here on his own but Rob will be around – and Alex for a couple of days – Rob and I went out last night and then over to my Mum and Dad’s today and talked - he is great and will be here for Jimmy. So another first - going to India and leaving Jim in a house undergoing building work.
Jim seems OK about it and told me not to postpone it – he is really looking forward to the Power Shower at the end of it all! I suppose that this is all part of Jimmy growing up – and looking back at my last blogg – in someways perhaps it’s a good thing – it does add to my nervousness of going away though.
Alan L and Neil are both now out of hospital which is good – and I have thought about Moira and Nita a lot. It sound selfish but one of the thoughts I have had - has been - how glad I am that Chris didn’t have any time in hospital – he would have hated it so much.
Lovely emails and phone calls from friends this week – and although I do seem to be finding things quite hard at the moment – I do feel loved and supported.
Went for lunch with Richard on Thursday – who lost his wife with cancer and then brought up the children on his own – he said something which I found really helpful – he talked about how young people see time – a whole day is a long time and next month, next year is too far away to contemplate. I see that in Jim - he is very of the moment – if he’s down or upset it’s now – and later on in the day I can still be worrying about him etc and he has moved on and is feeling OK - now. I found it very comforting as it has made me understand that Jim and I are living in different time zones!
Saturday night and I’m on my own – Jim’s out with his mates – and after nearly 6 months – I am getting more used to this. The other thing about India I realised today is that it will be 6 months from when Chris died whilst I’m away and in someways this is adding to my nervousness.
Now to be positive – for me to be going away to India 6 months after Chris died is amazing – I haven’t written my presentation yet and that’s adding to my worries – but that’s work and I increasingly feel – I can do that. Yes – work wise I do feel OK – the bit that worries me – is my boys.
Rob talked last night about how lucky we are to live when we do – and he is right – and I am thrilled to hear him talk this way – he also talked about the reality of depression – and also how much he missed his Dad. Good conversations.
I am so lucky and know I'm so lucky - which is good.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Feeling a bit lost
Struggling a bit today as I don’t know how to support Jim. Now the decision has been made for him not to do his exams – he doesn’t know what to do. Going to school is becoming increasingly meaningless as the classes are already focusing on revision and it has already been suggested by one of his teachers that he doesn’t really need to be there – we have talked but he is so lost – his only answer is he doesn’t know what to do. He is quite reconciled about restarting Year 12 next September but there is a lot of time between now and then – and it sounds like he is just wondering around school feeling redundant.
I have tried to make some suggestions – like coming as an Intern to work with me for a month – or having a work placement somewhere else – and he is just lost and can only say he doesn’t know what he wants to do. I don’t know what to say or do – and I think we are both feeling a bit lost.
He is so lovely and he always was very indecisive – I like to have a plan and get on with things and Jimmy doesn’t think like that.
In many ways is harder being Jim’s Mum than is it being me – I can say to myself get a focus – and I am doing that – but how I best support Jim is just really really hard at the moment. I feel that he just wants life to be like it used to be – to be a boy and for decisions to be made for him.
Anyway – I suppose can only do my best – that’s what a parent is all about. Jim is very special and I suppose that he has to learn about making decisions for himself. Do feel that I’m doing it on my own and I suppose that’s what all of us in my situation and similar have to do. So big breath, have tea with Jim and don’t push him to make a decision – and he will have to do it himself – but it’s hard because he is hurting. So are we all.
Today I have also agreed to have the new bathroom fitted whilst I’m in India – which is also going to be hard on Jim – but Bernard the builder is great – a recommendation from Stella and Ruth – I said to him today – that he specialises in work for widows!
There is no magic wand I can shake at Jim -I will do my best to be there for him but he is having to grow up earlier than he would have. I appreciate my blogg as writing this has helped me think.
I have tried to make some suggestions – like coming as an Intern to work with me for a month – or having a work placement somewhere else – and he is just lost and can only say he doesn’t know what he wants to do. I don’t know what to say or do – and I think we are both feeling a bit lost.
He is so lovely and he always was very indecisive – I like to have a plan and get on with things and Jimmy doesn’t think like that.
In many ways is harder being Jim’s Mum than is it being me – I can say to myself get a focus – and I am doing that – but how I best support Jim is just really really hard at the moment. I feel that he just wants life to be like it used to be – to be a boy and for decisions to be made for him.
Anyway – I suppose can only do my best – that’s what a parent is all about. Jim is very special and I suppose that he has to learn about making decisions for himself. Do feel that I’m doing it on my own and I suppose that’s what all of us in my situation and similar have to do. So big breath, have tea with Jim and don’t push him to make a decision – and he will have to do it himself – but it’s hard because he is hurting. So are we all.
Today I have also agreed to have the new bathroom fitted whilst I’m in India – which is also going to be hard on Jim – but Bernard the builder is great – a recommendation from Stella and Ruth – I said to him today – that he specialises in work for widows!
There is no magic wand I can shake at Jim -I will do my best to be there for him but he is having to grow up earlier than he would have. I appreciate my blogg as writing this has helped me think.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Sunday
So a busy week – work is becoming more normal in the post Chris world – it is different and I’m happy about that – I am also busy which is good – being quite fussy about what I go to/get involved with – which is also good.
Went to Brussels with Margaret this week – and had very interesting conversations with people at the Commission about a bid I’m involved in – I now know all about a specific streams of research funding and WBCs (West Balkan Countries) – which really was a first! The word 'Anorack' comes to mind!
Found Speke and Amsterdam Airports really hard – Chris and I started/finished so many holidays there – also Chris had his ‘surprise’ 50th birthday in Amsterdam - really glad Margaret was there as I did have a couple of wobbles – although I get less of these on a daily basis they still knock me when I get them. But felt another set of firsts under my belt.
Jim has had his exam results and the school are not putting him in for his ASs this year. We have talked and I think he is relieved – he has been trying to work but he has just found it too hard to focus and catch up – I also think he was relieved to think that he’s not going to be leaving for university in 18 months time – I think this has been worrying him – for himself but also for me.
This weekend he does seem a lot lighter now that the decision has been made – he is going to stay at school and attend all the classes and then next year restart Physics and Maths and at that point decide what else he does.
I am happy about this – it just takes the pressure off (both of us). He can have a year out of exams – yet still have the structure of going to school – giving him time to just relax, grow up, have a social life and work out how he lives his life post Dad. Rob reminded me that Chris also resit a year after his Dad died which I had forgotten.
Yesterday Alex was home on his way to walking in Grenoble, the boys came for the night and Gilly and I watched some telly and drank some wine. Today went running – Debs at work is getting everyone to do the 5k Run For Life – which I am happy to do – I have also decided that I wont do the 10k.
After the boys went I have been trying to sort out the garden - Rob has done lots of chopping and power jetting – and I had a go this afternoon – still looks like work in progress at the moment.
The garden has always been a special place for us – 28 years of kids playing there – barbeques with friends – just sitting out and enjoying the sunshine – and now Chris dying there.
I am not a gardener – I have always just tried to make it a place to be happy in – and over the years we have been very happy out there. It’s only small – more of a yard than a garden – but we have use it well and it has been a very happy place.
So am now quite knackered what with running and gardening so after this blogg – I will have a long bath with lots of bubbles and then Jim and I will have tea. Looking back over the five months – meals and Sundays have been pretty hard and sometimes very painful. But today I am writing my blogg after a busy day – Jim is watching the rugby after having been out at a party last night and is pretty chilled. I will cook tea – fish and we will be good. That’s a result!
Yesterday Alex was home and I had all three of my lovely boys for breakfast – and we did the quiz – we got 11/15 – from my recollection this is the best score we have ever got – the Jenkins are doing well! I didn’t know that a Amsterdam Sloth was a Koala – but I guessed it – inspiration!
And the week after next I am going to India – wow!
Went to Brussels with Margaret this week – and had very interesting conversations with people at the Commission about a bid I’m involved in – I now know all about a specific streams of research funding and WBCs (West Balkan Countries) – which really was a first! The word 'Anorack' comes to mind!
Found Speke and Amsterdam Airports really hard – Chris and I started/finished so many holidays there – also Chris had his ‘surprise’ 50th birthday in Amsterdam - really glad Margaret was there as I did have a couple of wobbles – although I get less of these on a daily basis they still knock me when I get them. But felt another set of firsts under my belt.
Jim has had his exam results and the school are not putting him in for his ASs this year. We have talked and I think he is relieved – he has been trying to work but he has just found it too hard to focus and catch up – I also think he was relieved to think that he’s not going to be leaving for university in 18 months time – I think this has been worrying him – for himself but also for me.
This weekend he does seem a lot lighter now that the decision has been made – he is going to stay at school and attend all the classes and then next year restart Physics and Maths and at that point decide what else he does.
I am happy about this – it just takes the pressure off (both of us). He can have a year out of exams – yet still have the structure of going to school – giving him time to just relax, grow up, have a social life and work out how he lives his life post Dad. Rob reminded me that Chris also resit a year after his Dad died which I had forgotten.
Yesterday Alex was home on his way to walking in Grenoble, the boys came for the night and Gilly and I watched some telly and drank some wine. Today went running – Debs at work is getting everyone to do the 5k Run For Life – which I am happy to do – I have also decided that I wont do the 10k.
After the boys went I have been trying to sort out the garden - Rob has done lots of chopping and power jetting – and I had a go this afternoon – still looks like work in progress at the moment.
The garden has always been a special place for us – 28 years of kids playing there – barbeques with friends – just sitting out and enjoying the sunshine – and now Chris dying there.
I am not a gardener – I have always just tried to make it a place to be happy in – and over the years we have been very happy out there. It’s only small – more of a yard than a garden – but we have use it well and it has been a very happy place.
So am now quite knackered what with running and gardening so after this blogg – I will have a long bath with lots of bubbles and then Jim and I will have tea. Looking back over the five months – meals and Sundays have been pretty hard and sometimes very painful. But today I am writing my blogg after a busy day – Jim is watching the rugby after having been out at a party last night and is pretty chilled. I will cook tea – fish and we will be good. That’s a result!
Yesterday Alex was home and I had all three of my lovely boys for breakfast – and we did the quiz – we got 11/15 – from my recollection this is the best score we have ever got – the Jenkins are doing well! I didn’t know that a Amsterdam Sloth was a Koala – but I guessed it – inspiration!
And the week after next I am going to India – wow!
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Feeling proud of Jims
So it’s Friday night – and I have just come back from Marantos – big gang of us – post Jim Porter’s play – now that’s a first! Really enjoyed talking to Jim ( the exec) tonight about being in a play – a leading role. Everyone felt very proud of him – now that he’s not working to perform in a play – takes a lot of courage – also to see the knock on effect on his family and the drinkers on Lark Lane – who went on mass tonight – really good stuff!
I saw the play earlier in the week – and went Dancing tonight again – just love it – so all in all a good Friday night.
Concerns about Neil in hospital and also heard that Alan L. is also in hospital tonight – don’t know the details but will ring Moira tomorrow.
My Jim is staying at a friends tonight – so there is just me in the house – feeling OK about this – though it still feels very weird.
Jimmy sat his mock ASs this week – better than 0% in December but don’t think by much. What I have learnt from last weekend is – that we must be more positive about Jim’s achievements – yes ok he is struggling with his studies but I feel so proud of him – he has got up – gone to school – tried to revise – gone in on time for exams that he knows he is going to fail – and he has done it – so I am determined that we don’t dwell on the results of his exams and recognise how well he has done to actually get into school etc – and still be the lovely 16 year old that is supporting his Mum and just growing into a gorgeous 17 year old.
So tonight I feel proud of both Jims!
I saw the play earlier in the week – and went Dancing tonight again – just love it – so all in all a good Friday night.
Concerns about Neil in hospital and also heard that Alan L. is also in hospital tonight – don’t know the details but will ring Moira tomorrow.
My Jim is staying at a friends tonight – so there is just me in the house – feeling OK about this – though it still feels very weird.
Jimmy sat his mock ASs this week – better than 0% in December but don’t think by much. What I have learnt from last weekend is – that we must be more positive about Jim’s achievements – yes ok he is struggling with his studies but I feel so proud of him – he has got up – gone to school – tried to revise – gone in on time for exams that he knows he is going to fail – and he has done it – so I am determined that we don’t dwell on the results of his exams and recognise how well he has done to actually get into school etc – and still be the lovely 16 year old that is supporting his Mum and just growing into a gorgeous 17 year old.
So tonight I feel proud of both Jims!
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