Wow - things happen quickly!!

Been at a lovely award ceremony tonight - and got back really late - but can't sleep as am absolutely buzzing - as today I signed a contract on a flat - wow - so quick!!!!

So in 6 weeks time - I will be living in a small two bedroom flat the other side of the park - WOW!! It has happened so quickly - but I like that 'cos I made decisions and then things just happened - I am happy with the decision - and now it's all change!!

Still pretty emotional and recognising that there will be things that I will miss - like hanging my washing out in the garden - and a gas cooker - and my beautiful carpets - but hey there will be things that I won't miss - like rattling around a huge family house on my own - don't know yet what I wont miss - as sitting here in bed - I can't yet see myself not living here.... but I'm now set on a course to move out.. and smiling as I write - yes am very comfortable with decision to move - yes really like flat - but no - actually no idea what I will think and feel when I'm actually blogging from Travellers Court - the name of new flat!

So life is an ongoing adventure - and I'm embracing and dancing my way through it - and am happy that it's the only way to live your life - going for it!!!

Words become actions....

Now that I have said I'm moving and told people - i.e. put it into words - it has now become a reality. That's the thing about words - they have a life of their own - they take shape as ideas and then they you bring them into existence - either by being spoken or written - and then they just go off on their own - taking your thoughts and making them happen!!

Went dancing last night - which was really good - and told the dancers - and then we went to the Everyman and just laughed and laughed - which was wonderful. So with laughter in my heart I am embracing change and will dance my way through this big milestone in my life - and now it is becoming a reality I am getting very excited about it!!!

Big decisions - which feel right!!

OK - have now made big decisions - and yes after much thought/emotion - am now getting used to the idea of leaving 1 Cheltenham Avenue - and this is a very big thing for many reasons not least cos I've lived here for 30 plus years - that's lifetime status!! But the house is just too big for one person - I have rattled around it on my own for nearly a year now - and I don't want to continue to do so. This is the house of my family - the Tricia that used to live here - Chris's wife - the mother of small children - she doesn't exist any more - and this Tricia - the new Tricia - she doesn't need a great big house.

So two levels to this - 'emotional' and 'rational' and boy that's where I am at the moment - really rational - making sensible decisions but also being seriously hit by emotional - have not felt so vulnerable for a long time.

So sensible decision - rent out Cheltenham Avenue - then rent an apartment just for me - behind this decision have been many options - which I have had to consider - but one joy in making this has been the love I have been shown whilst struggling to make the right decisions.

Yesterday Rob and Jim blitzed the garden - and I went to the tip four times - after Gilly came round and we had a barbie in the amazing clear and seemingly much larger garden - it looks great. The Gilly and I drank wine and talked about things - like we do - and that was also great.

Woke up this morning feeling a bit calmer though I have just revisited coming home from work after the phone call and finding Chris dying in the garden - I also thought about Jimmy finding his father and not being able to wake him - that's what he said when he phoned me - I can't wake Dad up. That must have been just so so awful for him.

Looking and my beautiful Jimmy yesterday - what an amazing young man - really happy at university and doing really really well - his father would have been so proud of him. Gilly was saying yesterday how lucky I was and in particular how lucky I am to have such three amazing sons - and yes I am. Lucky and proud of my wonderful sons.

Gilly also said that many people will also miss my house - sitting round the table - eating and drinking, sitting in the garden - eating and drinking - all those parties over all those years - lots of wonderful times - eating and drinking!!! The house was always full of people, children, dogs, laughter.... it has been such a wonderfully happy house - but I am now ready to leave it - not to sell it though - but to move onto another chapter of my life.

So big decision made - and now official cos I've blogged it!! Feeling happy about the decision and comfortable that it's the right one - but also feeling vulnerable and know that I need to look after myself - but also know that I'm loved - how lucky am I!!!

lot going on............

It's 5.30 in the morning and I just can't sleep so thought I'd write my blogg as I haven't for days. Last weekend was my Mum's 90th birthday and we all went away for the weekend. It was absolutely perfect. It's not often that you can say something was perfect - but it was - the whole weekend was perfect!!!

To be 90 is also an amazing thing - and my Mum is still enjoying her life so much - she feels that she has been so lucky in her life - which is true. She has had a rich life full of love. She has been able to give a lot of love and she has also been very loved. Still married to the love of her life - for over 63 years - that's also amazing!!!!!

We had a big family party with over 40 people there at some point over the weekend - second, third and fourth generations from both sides of the family and a few very special friends, including two women who were her friends for over 60 years. Telling stories and reminiscing about their lives. It was such a joy to be there, it was just that - a joy to be part of.

Back home to all change and ongoing turmoil, living a strange life at the moment. Making big decisions with a clarity which I can see and feel - then having to just accept the upset and emotional consequences of these!!

Glad I'm writing this blogg as always it gives me a space to reflect on what I'm doing and thinking.

So - how lucky am I - to still have my wonderful parents in my life - first thing! Second thing - you can't make a cake without breaking eggs - and that's what I'm currently doing!!!

Wonderful dream..

I woke up this morning aware of a wonderful and very apt dream:

I am an eagle, standing on the top of a cliff ready to to fly - to soar effortlessly off into the wind. I can feel the breezes playing with my feathers - tempting me to let go and to surrender into them. I am on this cliff edge and could go off in several directions - I am just waiting for the right wind to give me the message - surrender to me beautiful one and I will carry you to where you should be - your future- I am bathed in sunshine, below me is beautiful, green and a long way down but I have no fear - for I am an eagle ready to fly!

Wow - that's where I am at the moment - standing on the cliff edge waiting for the right wind messenger!!!

Back from Spain

House not too cold - so obviously warming up here as well - chamomile tea in bed combo - reflecting on the last few days - my life does seem to be surreal at the moment - and my time in Spain has just been another brief episode of..... not chaos.. but not sure what.... accelerated change I think.

The conference in Segovia was seriously surreal - and I spent a lot of time talking to someone I met there - who took my thinking way way out- which was amazing. Read a lot - in both Spanish and English - books which had been recommended or just appeared in my life - so much resonance with my own thinking - amazing to read books which are saying what I'm thinking!

Then today I was on the beach in the sun - in my new bikini! swimming - very briefly! in the Mediterranean - eating ice creams on Blanes promenade - talking in horrible Spanish - I just need to get better - I suppose the better I get the worse I know I am! Understanding conversation is my weakest bit - not getting one word or phrase can just throw me completely - I suppose it's just practice - the reading helps as I'm sure that's building up my vocabulary.

Been thinking a lot over the last few days and am not certain what will happen this week - feel very much at a point of change - but hey what's new there - seem to have been changing all the time recently!! But and it's an important But - I'm not afraid of change and that's the important thing.

turmoil ... but coping!!!

Am in a very weird place at the moment - turmoil is a good word - it comes near to describing the pace of change, the quantity of changes, the whirlwinds of changes that are occurring within me - both internally and externally!!

Tonight I feel back in the vortex of last year... but know I'm not - last year when I was dancing in Spain, I felt very blind and vulnerable with the pace of change - the snake goes blind when he castes his skin and that's how I felt - a little bit of life caught up and whirling out of control in a tornado spiral....

So don't feel like that - suppose I feel more in control - though control is not the right word - it's difficult to explain - I feel like I am living in turmoil/chaos - but the difference from last year is that I recognise the changes that are occurring and am just giving in to them - going with the flow - so still in that tornado but not fighting it or giving it any resistance - just surrendering to the whirlwind!!

So it's Tuesday night I go to Spain for a conference tomorrow - Buff! might be in turmoil - but still wonderfully blessed and happy!!!

So.... not in an easy place ... but not a bad place, exciting, alive... out of my control - but life is never in our control - it just is!!!

All change...

I had just got used to the idea of one future - playing with ideas and planning - when woooooosh all change!!

Great stuff this - living without fear - you can just do what your heart wants!! Am really excited about my future now as it has become really really unknown. Wow!!!

Am at the end of a beautiful Easter weekend, really peaceful and reflective. Ildi has been here and her presence in my life is very special - we have just talked and talked and talked!!!!! Oh and walked a lot.... eaten lovely food.... slept well and talked and talked!!

Had a lovely houseful last night for a big roast dinner - my favourite thing - 11 of us round the table, the heart of my home, eating, laughing and enjoying ourselves - all the boys clearing and washing up!

Rob had been up to the NE and brought with him the presence of dear friends - who said they read my blogg - which made me so happy.

Glowing in happiness here - in my bed, ipod playing Jimmy's music, cup of wonderful dutch flower tea, sweeten with Indian honey - writing my blogg and thinking with so much love and affection for the wonderful people in my life - some of whom I know read my blogg - so accept my love as it's directed at you!!!

Wow - just feeling so good about my life... isn't life amazing!!!