Inspiring...............................

Glowing with happiness after the Spirithorse Women's Lodge.... happiness being a word which represent something much deeper and even more beautiful! Trying to find the right words here .... and have just accepted that this blogg will just be full of superlatives and will be completely just one long stream of joyousness!!!!!

OK - so where am I - recognising and loving the fact that I am a truly delicious, beautiful and sexy woman... wow ... accepting this fact has not been an easy process... but it is a reality and one that tonight that I accept... buffff.....

Behind this acceptance is a journey, my journey.........

Beyond this........my purpose, my reason for living.................

So a lightweight weekend then!

So joyous, blessed, heartfelt, blissful - so don't expect any sense from me for the next few days..... life is just so fantastic and I am just so grateful.... but also so happy..... buff way to be..................

waves have peaks and troughs

It is Saturday night and I'm feeling very vulnerable,not sure why, but think it is all about recognising that life has it's downs as well as ups! I am quite impatient with myself because I am such a lucky person with so much in her life, I don't think I have a right to feel a bit down. I had a lovely week, was as high as a kite in Barcelona, on a roll, wonderful, ideas swooping and soaring, connections being made, recognised and loved.

But now I feel quite lonely, but also understand and recognize that everybody feels like this at some time, and many people feel like this much much more than I do. So I do question my right to be down. Renata has just skyped me, which was lovely and just what I needed, her enthusiasm and joy was beautiful. I told her I was feeling lonely, and in particular that I am missing Rob very much, I am also aware that I will miss Hector when he goes to India next Friday, his Visa having finally arrived! She commented very rightly that I have lived my adult life surrounded by men and boys. As Chris's wife and a mother of three beautiful sons, I have been so lucky to live my life in the centre of men and boys.

This had resonances with other conversations I have had recently, I am missing men in my life! That doesn't take absolutely anything away from my wonderful female friends but it is a fact as I have been so lucky to live my life with a wonderful man, and little boys who grew into wonderful men. It was also Chris's birthday this week and that was also quite poignant. I sometimes think that I haven't really moved on as much as I thought I had. Though maybe the reality is always two steps forward and one step back.

So I suppose, and accept, that the joy of life, the dance of life, is just not a straight line! Like all dances you go forward and backwards, so I am a dancer of life, like all of us, and my life goes forward, but it also does little pirouettes, twist and turns, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always a joy.

This has been a good blogg, because by writing this down, although I am not writing it I am dictating it!! But by writing my blogg I have taken the time to recognize important things, it's okay to miss people, it's okay to recognize that two steps forward does involve one step back, the wave of living is reality. By accepting reality, I am able to find the happiness which is me and my lucky lucky life.

hooray for technology!!!

Well I have done it, finally got the technology of the voice operated software and the connections working at home, I also seem to have got rid of the little white Chinese ants which have been marching around my keyboard, and have a headset that works. like all these things, to actually get something working requires all the bits, even and especially those bits that you don't understand, to actually work together! However, I have done it so I can now do my first ever dictated Blog.

It's quite early on Sunday morning, and in a while I will go for a day's dancing, my heart sings at the prospect. Yesterday I passed all responsibility Roberts house to the agent, and tomorrow his tenant moves in. Jimmy is in Leeds, Alex and Lara are in the Netherlands discussing whether Alex should accept the job in Paris, and Rob is in Varazdin and tomorrow I go to Barcelona for a couple of days. What an international family we have become.

My new flat is very quiet, I can hear the sound of a couple of crows but beyond that nothing really, which is amazing when I consider that I live in the heart of a big city. Sitting here talking into my computer I can look up at the sky and see the amazing beauty of the clouds. I am really into clouds at a moment, when I went to London on Tuesday I was sat in the train looking at the clouds, like you do, and the light was pouring in across the countryside, looking like golden rain straight lines of light, pouring down onto the earth. It was so beautiful that I wanted to say to my fellow passengers, hey have you seen that amazing light, I didn't, though maybe I should have!!

The voice operated Blog, could well be quite different from previous ones, as it is a real joy just to talk and not to type, even with a fully functioning right hand I am still very slow typist.

So my life has changed again, I now have a new way of communicating, my family is spreading itself across Europe and my heart is singing with joy, and both the right and the left hand side of my body are excited at the thought of the day's dancing.

tonight i'm torn............

typing with one finger after a frustrating night trying to get both voice activated software and home computer connection working - have been very accepting - but!! - it's all about what I'm learning - but like life - reality is hard - learning is not easy - bufff glad I'm blogging - have struggled tonight and - bufff - going into acceptance .... it all makes sense..............

so much happening.. feel joy in my heart about this - but recognising - daily - that the pace of change is getting faster and faster.......

so i am in the strange world of one finger, left hand......... and it is slowing me .... but know that this is right... it is learning - conscious learning - wow - life is just amazingly fantastic - isn't it !!

it continues - but with left hand......

...my right hand/wrist has tendinitis - a story in itself - so I should not use my right hand - but I'm right handed!!!!!! so am now operating computer plus everything else - by my left hand - or left fore finger .... bonkers plus!!!!

Typing etc IS SO SLOW - with one finger left hand........... this makes work very difficult - but there is also - the reality that I am also loving the learning that this process involves - I only type what I must/have to/want to .............. because it is a real effort...

Anyway chose to blogg tonight - nothing to do with left hand - but because the emotion of last few days needed a home!

So Rob safely in Croatia - police certificate plus ongoing house legacy aside.... a result...

.......and Jimmy painting and taking responsibility for Rob's house refurbishment etc - what a star|

Alex & Lara back home in Cambridge - but facing - and addressing - lots of questions about their future....

Me here.... but totally accepting that I have to just be me ... one finger left hand - only responsibility being for myself... recognising what this means AND LOVING IT!!!

emotional evening............................

......... yes it was an emotional evening - Rob goes to Croatia tomorrow .... his house not yet finished.... but getting there.... work for us..... plus Alex submitted his PhD thesis yesterday - he seems pretty cool...but.......all here tonight ... me being in some kind of 'warp' ... bufff .. tonight the emotion between us all was palpable ..... and at times very painful but also really honest - love and loss............ the duality... not easy.

But in many ways a beautiful night ... I have had my personal couple of days of remarkable dysfunctionality - but tonight there was me and my boys and Lara plus Nita, Pat and Gilly ... family... doing what family does best which is to love each other - despite and because .........