back again - but from where?

....landing gently from ... not certain what... 10 days away from my life here... my lovely little flat, my work, all those emails.... from just being the organised working woman, daughter, mother etc.... though with the technology I kept in touch - with my lovely Dad being in hospital after the party, Rob getting home to Croatia, Jimmy being in Barcelona....... but I also had space and time to be away from all of it.... to just be me and to dance.... gloriously.

It wasn't easy dancing. If you dance deeply it is not all fun, you push yourself to go to the edge... and as I dance more and more deeply - and give myself the time to do so.... I do go to the edge... see it/feel it/dance it... and that's not an easy place to be... it is however a wonderful place to be...to go to the next layer of the onion skin..... to go to that point of duality. It can be many things - joy/grief .... sunshine/darkness .... acceptance/denial... faith/fear... the edge.... but to be there and to feel/see that you are there ... is amazing and that's where I've been..... dancing..... consciously breathing.... consciously alive - how lucky am I?

The week dancing was also wrapped up in a week of friendship, Fernando picking me up in Girona and taking me to Arlequi , then picking me up a week later for a weekend of football and barbecues with his friends, followed by a night in Barcelona with Ana and her family... wonderful... special and joyful... though after a week's dancing I was probably pretty glowing...

I also spoke a lot of Spanish, which was good as I have got very rusty without Hector....getting home today after a delayed flight for a reception event which is bringing me back into the world of work... though not there yet! I did do a first trawl of emails yesterday and tomorrow I will go back and be sensible... and be me... the sensible one with her feet on the ground... though I will be clearer in my intentions... that's what dancing does for you... makes thing clearer... if you let yourself go with it.... which I did!

So feeling wonderfully awake and a bit spaced at the same time...... looking at the colour of the sky - it's an amazingly beautiful turquoisey blue - heart singing, very happy... ready to be the other me again..... though she is pretty bonkers too!!!!

Beautiful birthday party...

... and my little Jim is now 21. We had a wonderful and very uncomplicated birthday BBQ at my Mum and Dad's house. Family, 4 generations of special people, 20 of us all together .... for completeness there should have been 21 of us - and writing that has made me think - something that I have been feeling all day - that there was someone missing..... and of course there was.... Chris... but also Heff and Michael..... missing but also present.

A lot of joy and happiness, little Aidan the most gorgeous centre of attention, easy laughter and joking, but also a consciousness of the preciousness of life - my lovely Dad getting frailer and frailer.... the missing ones................ but maybe that's how you should feel... joy and happiness in the present with a profound appreciation of the specialness of every moment of life......

So it's Saturday evening Alex's still here - out with his little brother partying, Rob now gone to London. I'm all packed up and ready to go to Spain very early tomorrow morning for a weeks dancing and breathing................ wow every second is precious.

Completely unexpected night...............

... though not certain why - because I should have known.. but I hadn't really thought about it - which on reflection is amazing..................

OK - tonight my 3 sons are in Liverpool - blogg readers know this is not going to just happen - as only one lives in Liverpool (though not with me) one lives in Croatia and one lives in Cambridge - though not for long as he is moving to France shortly - but the magic is - It just hadn't occurred to me that they could/would all be here tonight...................

The have now gone to the pub - and I am just so blessed to have these three beautiful young men in my life.

Wide awake and unable to sleep.......

It's Saturday night - well no Sunday morning now - and I just can't get to sleep .... and after trying for a couple of hours - I have given up and decided to write my blogg. I know why I can't sleep as I came back from a lovely, if somewhat boozy, afternoon at Nita's - the first of Jimmy's 21st Birthday celebrations - so well fed and very happy, I fell asleep in my rather comfortable reclining chair - so entirely my own fault.... but it's horrible when you can't sleep and things start whirling and worming their way into your brain.

So a mug of cocoa, music, lavender oil and my blogg.... will probably crash out mid sentence!

This time last year we had a barbecue in the garden of Cheltenham Avenue for Jim's birthday, with Rob living round the corner and Alex coming from Leeds. This year we will have a party at my Mum and Dad's - Rob's coming over from Croatia and Alex is coming up from Cambridge - his last visit before he moves to Grenoble with Lara...

Just looked back at my blogg of a year ago... right in the thick of moving.. so I have nearly lived here in this lovely little flat for a year.. I suppose it feels like a year... but it also has flashed by... like life I suppose... time seems so accelerated.....

My little baby Jimmy is also going to be 21 next Saturday.... he is an amazingly wonderful young man, now standing so very tall, wonderfully laid back and easy going... and happy... what more can a Mother ask for.... a joy.

Wasn't certain what I was going to write about - as I started this blogg because I couldn't sleep but writing that has made me think about where I've been today.... Nita's .... we started by going bowling with Neil's son and grandson, Pat, Jim, Nita and I..... and it was fun ...... we laughed a lot and then went back for a roast dinner, joined by Neil and his carer later in the afternoon. We talked families/friends/family and the importance of the connections... the beautiful little things which are done with love... sometimes not even noticed but truly the most important things in life.

Sometimes these little things build up over years to become huge sacrifices - like giving so much unselfishly and unstintingly.... I feel humbled by our human capacity to love unconditionally... I seem to see clearly tonight that if love is given with strings attached it isn't really given... so it can't be returned... but the sheer wonder of being able to love and to accept it in return is magical. Also makes me think how harsh it is for those who can't accept/give love.... that hurts, the closure, the closed heart that doesn't give love... so can never receive it....

So on that cheerful note - I'll try and go to sleep!!!

Clouds and ideas

Have just got back from Brussels after what seems like a very long few days...... meetings and a conference and all new people... well a handful that I've met briefly before but non that I know... so very on my own - which was OK ... and I did get to know some of them ... there was over 400 people there.... but some people I expect to meet again...... strange world this... meeting people, complete strangers, who have some point of contact/shared interest because we are at the same conference/meeting - some never to meet again - some to work with possibly closely, some to become friends.......

It was quite a hard few days actually, felt pretty much on my own... which of course I'm not... but having to make a complaint at a senior level about the pace of things... and presenting SiS Catalyst to a really diverse audience - officials from the EC who knew the project well - or knew of it - and the whole movement of thinking/funding/strategy behind it and a lots of science teachers from around Europe, all of whom are passionate about their subject and teaching - but know nothing about my agenda - all in 10 minutes with questions - pitching that was seriously not easy!!!

But the other thing that was going on was ideas, talking, thinking...... and some really, really good stuff........I love that ... just absolutely love it ... and when I hear myself thinking aloud - I am amazed by some off the things I say... and it's extraordinary as I can see myself having thoughts and verbalizing them - and know that this the start of the process which makes ideas real... So I can feel my mind whirling tonight.. with lots and lots of ideas - some of which are now beginning to take a firm shape.

I thought about this when I was flying home - and watching clouds - and I thought that clouds are just like ideas........................

Ok what I was thinking was - if you look at a cloud from the earth it looks really solid, dense, white/grey - obscuring the sun, taking shape and REAL.....but when you are in a cloud - it actually doesn't exist at all - it is just a white mist....

So I was thinking about how ideas are like clouds but in reverse! When you have an idea it is like a white mist - it's not clear - it doesn't have a shape - it's nebulous (cloudy or cloud like) but when you get at a distance from an idea you see that it is actually solid and real - and off they go!!!

Not certain how far the cloud/idea analogy goes but it gave me great pleasure coming home ... and stayed with me now I am back in my lovely flat.. bit knackered but ready to sleep on these whirling mists of ideas and see what comes out tomorrow - and then make them happen!!!!! That's what it's all about - making ideas reality - but it makes me mindful that we have to be careful as to exactly what ideas we create!

Walking...............

..... is amazing - but also just something that most of us just take so much for granted.

One of the joys of blogging is never knowing what you are going to write...... so where did that come from? Well............ I have just come back from a delicious weekend of walking in the Peak District with a group of 7 other women, one sister, one cousin and 5 friends - and it was just perfect.... the weather was unbelievably amazing - completely clear skies for 4 days in the UK!!!!!! Sunshine, strong winds and although a bit chilly (under-statement) on occasion - just amazingly sunny - wonderful walking weather. So we didn't climb serious mountains - but we did walk respectable distances - up and down - and this was more or less challenging for us individually ...and it was also wonderful.

......and it has left me reflecting on something very very basic - our ability to walk!!

OK - so walking...... most of us just take it so much for granted - we just put one foot in front of another - for what ever is normal in our lives - and for some of us, this may be miles each day - but for many of us it is from a house - to a car - to a work place - to a car - to the shops/home etc.... so not a lot of walking really.

But walking is a joy.... an absolute and amazing joy.......... but something that we just do without thinking about - I probably should have understood this earlier - as I lived with a man for so many years that couldn't walk any distance at all... but I don't think that I have really appreciated the enormity of how amazing the ability to walk is!!

... thinking about it - it obviously goes beyond our feet - to appreciating the wonder of our bodies... our ability to walk only being a tiny, tiny part of what else we can do! But I don't think we recognise this enough - we don't stop and say 'Thank-you' enough to this wonderful vehicle for our life ... our body. It is an absolutely amazing thing.. its ability to do things - like walking - day in and day out, one foot in front of another ..... without us even thinking about it - wow wow wow - amazing...... AND WE JUST TAKE IT ALL FOR GRANTED!!!

... I think this explains my current passion to give people foot massages!!! Now that desire did seem truly bonkers - when it first occurred to me - I started a year ago in India - but I really enjoy it and am now loving the fact that I am getting more confident about doing them, I just love the connection and the opportunity to give recognition to the wonderfulness of feet - OK I am bonkers!

Am also recognising that in order to cope with the turmoil of the world I have to recognise and embrace life in manageable chunks - the small steps which are the necessary precursor of anything else..... Living in appreciation of the small things make everything and anything possible..

So have enjoyed a wonderful weekend of walking with sisters etc ... in near perfect conditions - and massaged 5 sets of feet - so bufffff - life's very amazing, completely unpredictable ... but joyful ... and the only way to do this is by loving every wonderful, precious small step.......