Full and lovely weekend..........

... started with a Spanish lesson straight from work on Friday - and then I met up with Vanessa later and we went back to Hector's for a party - we drank far too much wine and got home exceptionally late - but it was such good fun - I love going out with Vanessa - we just enjoy ourselves - even though the day after with - missing phones, recollections about fancy dress hats - and was there really a band playing in the front room - left us both more than a bit hazy!

Saturday belly dancing lesson - enjoying these tremendously - I have so many teachers in my life at the moment - 10 at last count - I look back and I really only had one for decades - and that was Chris - and probably not acknowledged by me as a teacher at the time - but now I consciously need a lot of teachers - with a very new consciousness and appreciation - though I was always a challenging student! Hector did get his revenge at some unearthly hour of Saturday morning - by getting me to talk Spanish as he was proud of me as his student - don't think after that amount of wine I did him proud - but I was actually very pleased!

Saturday night went to my beautiful sister Jenny's and Ali's 40th wedding anniversary - what a truly wonderful party - so much love - given and received - a very special night - Ali's tender and heartfelt speech, my lovely Mum and sister Ann doing what we do - and I was glad that I remembered Michael - felt him very strongly - and had a wonderful conversation with Ben this morning - which was so special.

Driving over yesterday - and then talking with Susie last night - the rawness of those few days - getting the phone call from Ben - going to Bryony's with Rob and meeting Ben - talking to police then - phoning my sister Jenny to tell her that her 19 year old son Michael was dead - them all getting home - the nightmare of every second - I think I could reconstruct practically every hour of those few days.

Wow - just re-read this blogg so far - bit extreme - but I suppose that's were I am in my life at the moment - recognising the extremes of my life - and appreciating every precious second of it!

Kahlil Gibran

I was sent this poem last night from a fellow dancer and it has so much resonance for me.

Gibran was part of my childhood, as the Prophet was one of my Father's books - but I don’t remember it being discussed - but he was there – but I had not read his work until last week.

And then a week last Saturday, I actually went to the little town of Bsharri in the Lebanon, where Gibran was born - his family bought an old monastery and had made it into his tomb and a museum with his photos and writings etc and it was very special. I bought a couple of his books there and just loved his writings - last Saturday I read from Gibran over breakfast before we went dancing - they were that kind of house guests - they indulged me!

But this poem sums up perfectly how I felt when I danced Heartbeat this weekend.

On Joy and Sorrow Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Dancing Heartbeat.............

Started this blogg last night but got as far as the title - when the combination of a wonderfully long hot bath, a lovely dinner on my own with candles and dancing Heartbeat for the whole weekend - all caught up on me and I have slept – a beautiful long and deep sleep, which I know my body needed.

Listening to your body is so much a part of Heartbeat and then dancing your body through, with and into deep emotional places – just an amazing gift to have been given. We started Friday with fear and anger and ended up yesterday with joy and compassion, having travelled with sadness through some of Saturday and Sunday. We danced in the huge space of the Blackie to Joe’s powerful drums and percussion music.

The dancing was extra-ordinary good but then I had two house guests, who just made the whole weekend even more special and magical. Very different women, on very different journeys, but the three of us just gave and got so much from each other – we talked, ate, listened and walked to and from the Blackie to dance. On Saturday night I cooked a meal, we lit a fire in the front room and they gave me a full body massage which I can still feel the warmth of. I just got so much from their company and our conversations - and I know they did to.

At this moment in my life – or perhaps it has always been throughout my life – I don’t know – but at this time - when I need to talk something through - or to be shown how I could think differently about something I don’t understand – then people appear in my life – it’s quite extra-ordinary. Wonderful people with knowledge for me – it’s like their lives have been filled with experiences which gave them just the perfect piece of knowledge that I was looking for at that particular moment in my life.

Sometimes you just can’t see what others can see – and different people use their own knowledge to see things in you and they can see clearly what you cannot – and that is what happened this weekend. I knew things about myself, but couldn't’t see them and in particular I have been thinking a lot recently about my relationship with men, including sexual relationships. I was with my beautiful Chris for all my adult life, we grew up together, worked things out together, blossomed together, and to move on I really need to think through what I want, but also, and this was the big eye opener of my weekend – what I have to offer.

So whilst I was dancing through fear, anger, sorrow, joy and compassion, I was also given the opportunity to talk through where my journey is taking me and like so many times recently, the result shook me as a real surprise but then when I thought about it - I realised that of course this isn't a surprise - it's what I'd known for a long time – and something my life has been preparing me for and something which my heart knew all along!

Mantra time – how lucky am I........................

feeling on top of it .. but also a bit out of my depth!

Next stage stuff - in London at a weird sort of do with Belgiums - making my mark - but not certain why or even how - but knowing I am!

Crazy atmosphere tonight - as what seems to be the entire Algerian ex pat community is partying in Trafalgar Square 20 yards for my hotel – plus fireworks! Rang Robbie to get details of football achiement.

Learning so much from talking to people whose lives have involved living in several countries and recognising how much they have going for them - but also - after wonderful conversations tonight – how this leads to their own set of vulnerabilities!

Know that I want to live in a Spanish speaking country for a minimum of three months - it's the only way I'll get fluent. Wow that's a big decision I've concreted tonight! Feeling a little bit out of my depth - then had long phone call with Lesley – wonderful – and the Algerian party continues outside my window!!!

Sunday - belly dancing - easy - then Nita and Pat - mind blowing!!!

Nita and Pat have been round for tea today with Rob - so special. There are some people in your life that you are just so privileged to know and Nita and Pat are two of them - truly inspirational women.

They could be seen - and were for a long time - as the two little sisters of my amazing friend Jeanette - for those who don't know - my best friend of my younger days - Jan died aged 39 - amazing/beautifully in your face/free spirit - woman and mother of two young children Sam and Jess - a death too early - and a death that left a lot of unfinished ripples.

Anyway - today on Jess's 18th birthday we - the Liverpool we - ate, talked and drank wine and went back into our lives - we did go forward with Rob for a bit - but most of the time we went backwards and relished and cherished and remembered - it was so good that Rob was there - because a lot of that time - hard/dark days - he was there - as a young man - growing up - but part of it - I look back and see how much weight was put on him - not easy - I need to recognise this more.

Nita also talked about the day she was told by her beautiful husband to be - Neil - that he had early onset Alzheimer's - she was still in her 20's - how hard was that - to be a young woman in love - to be told in your late 20's that your gorgeous man has Alzheimer's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It turned out to be Huntington's Chorea - but basically, 17 years later, Neil can no longer speak or move - though still regains consciousness - and Nita - to listen to the detail of the day to day - wow Nita is truly the most inspirational woman I know.

This blogg has been really good for me - como siempre - because through writing about it - I understand what I know - or don't know!

winding down - being at home

It is good to be at home - though have spent much of the day - doing what needed to be done i.e. washing and ironing etc - but it is still lovely to be home.

It's Saturday night and Gilly and have I have drunk wine and eaten Gilly centric food and enjoyed ourselves- and also talked honestly.

What's happening to me - is also part of my friends lives - and Gilly especially - I need friends who can help me keep my feet on the ground.

Not certain as to what is exactly happening in my life - but feel/see that I need some special people to be close to me.......................

Wide awake when I should be sleeping.............

It’s late – Beirut body clock is now at 3ish in the morning but I’m just really wide awake – probably because I slept on the plane – both planes – I’m really tired but not sleepy!

Have been looking back at the last few weeks in my blogg – I have been to some amazing places! Also think I probably over-use the word amazing – but it does seem to be the appropriate one.

Earlier today I was in Beirut – that in itself is pretty amazing (there’s that word again) on my own –got pretty good at that over the last three years – making the most of the opportunity of being in the Lebanon – but also so very aware of my own ignorance.

I miss my lovely Chris – he could have told me the dates and details of the Ottoman Empire – the various nightmare waves of fighting/anarchy over 19 years in Beirut - and the centuries of religious conflict in Lebanon and the Middle East – and beyond. I suppose that the big thing in my mind at this moment is how we are so interconnected – people having been moving around the world – from when? From the beginning I suppose.

The scale is accelerated by airplanes – the big thing that struck me about the Lebanon though was the centuries of movement of people. The city of Byblos – where I walked around the castle etc this morning – had pre-historic archaeology then millennium of levels going back 8000 years!!!!!!!

The movement of people.......

Well suddenly feel I need to sleep......

Wow, wow, wow ...... wow!!

Don't know where to start!

Beirut has been amazing on several levels.

Work wise very good - really helped my thinking and met lots of good people and listened and talked solidly for last three days!

Beirut wise - well amazing - difficult to explain - but I have just loved my time here, the people I have met and the places they have taken me to - on the physical, emotional and spiritual planes - lot of going places in that sentence! But just amazing!

One more short day and then home - knowing it will take me a while to process all this - both professionally and personally!

Can't get away from the matra - how lucky am I...........................................

Glowing..............

The combination of Canada and the Women's Lodge at Spirithorse has left me in a beautiful place - that sounds really naf - but I am just so happy at the moment - and enjoying every precious second of this.

It's funny how difficult it can be just to accept happiness - it's like there is an alternative motive to happiness - that makes it so difficult to dive into and to just enjoy.

Guilt has a lot to answer for! It's such a destructive and poisonous emotion. We have one life - and we have a duty to enjoy it! But maybe we need the other days - the days of sadness in order to be able to be happy.

I do remember being happy when Chris was alive - I can recall the feeling of wanting to savour and cherish every second - when Jimmy was a new born baby - but apart from that time in my life - I was happy but not as conscious of being happy - if that makes sense.

I do so love this blogg - because it really helps me think - I have just realised that I am consciously happy at the moment - I have been happy, quite happy and sort of happy for much of my lucky life - but where I am now is consciously happy.

But maybe you have to have been sad in order to be consciously happy!

The end result is that I am glowing with happiness - I don't feel guilty about this and I am treasuring and loving every second of my life..... so how good is that!!!