Secret afternoon.....

Today I should have been dancing in Spain but after several hours hanging around Liverpool airport - my flight was cancelled due to the thick fog, which ironically broke into beautiful sunshine as I got the bus home!!

Standing in a huge long queue - I had the sense to phone Rob - who booked a flight for me tomorrow - so I got the bus home and have ended up having a lovely afternoon with Alex!

We lit a huge coal fire and watched the Dr Who Hamlet - though after a very early start this morning - I did doze through the middle bit.

Sitting on the sofa, basking in the coal fire, I also wrote a long letter to one of my teachers, which ended up reflecting on the last year - I really enjoyed writing it - can't remember when I last wrote a hand written letter.

It was just so good to take a few hours to reflect on my year - it has been such a roller-coaster of a year - looking back I am amazed at what I have done and become over the last year.

I wrote that I don't think I have changed - I think that I have just become more me! But I also recognise that this me - is a very different me to the one of three years ago - and having my parents here - and talking deep - different from the young me.

But basically they are all me - just different phases of my life - and I suppose that's what they are - phases in my life. What has happened over the last three years has accelerated this rate of change - I think I have gone through several phases of my life/development in just a few years.

Anyway Alex and I topped off the afternoon with a yummy macaroni cheese - Alex's favourite - in the front room - and off to Spain tomorrow but feeling that I have had a secret and special afternoon in my own house!

Christmas Eve.....

... and my house is full of family, food and warmth.... it feels a very long time since this has been the case.

This is the first Christmas I have had at home since Chris's death, we have been going to my parents, special and lovely times, though under-pinned by a sense of loss.

I still feel that sense of loss, but it has evolved and grown into a bigger recognition .... I see it more as the huge sadness that we all live with... death the other side of life.. but somehow I feel I can embrace it more now.. if that makes sense.

When I danced Heartbeat the other week, I felt very strongly the two sides of sorrow/joy and how the recognition of the one enables the feeling of the other... and that's how I'm living my life at the moment, cherishing the joy and embracing the sadness..

My beautiful, wonderful and amazing parents are here staying in my house... I can hear my father humm,humming down the landing. 92 he has made my Mum (89) a cup of tea and brought it up for her.. as he always gives her a cup of tea in bed at 8.00.

They have been married for 63 years and my father's greatest pleasure is to give my Mum a cup of tea in bed at 8.00. A symbol that they have awoken to another day..... together. I remember my Dad saying years and years ago that the most amazing thing in his life was to be married to my Mum, waking up in different places around the world with my Mum's passion for travelling - a passion that he didn't really share!

My Mum still yearns to travel but my Dad is now saying that he finds it too hard to do... the trip to the Arctic Circle this Easter being just too much for him.... and my Mum sits there last night saying.. Oh Jimmy I don't know why you don't like travelling any more.. and my Dad saying I really can't do it any more .. I would if I could... and Alex and I just sitting in awe at the two of them.

So I am determined to cherish the joy of them whilst also recognising the preciousness of their time with us. My sons are just wonderful, they have just sorted and organised everything - well Rob has - and Alex and Jim did what they were told!!

I went to work until yesterday, arriving home just before Rob brought my parents... and it snowed, and I cooked and we ate, and we laughed and played bridge and had a carry on sorting out things and did what a lucky family does.. being together.. joyfully.. and with a deep love.. in the presence of my parents 6 decades of love.......

So enough of this sloppy business, time to make porridge and deal with the details of house guests... and get sorted for neighbours and friends at 6, big Christmas dinner tomorrow with family and friends, Boxing Day at the Foulkes.

Yes I am so lucky.......................

Pretty rough week........

It's Thursday night/Friday morning on what has been a pretty rough - yet in retrospect a very necessary week - who said learning is easy!!!

Anyway tonight has been wonderful – our night out - what an amazing bunch of people work in my team – I feel so very proud of them all! They are all so special and individual.

Looking back - the traumas of the beginning of the week were to do with me not recognising how central our work is in their individual lives. I see it as my passion – but have not been fully recognising how it is also their passion and in fact their lives.

So it is our lives – some more with conscious awareness than others – but the reality is that we don’t do this for the money – we do it because we believe in it!

Lessons aren’t easily learnt – and I feel that I have learnt such a lot this week – and then we danced together tonight – lovely – and they are good dancers of course!

So time now to go to sleep – and tomorrow to appreciate even more – the wonderful people that I live my life with.....

Sunday morning at home....

It's Sunday morning and I'm in bed, listening to music and having my breakfast - porridge with yogurt, Lebanese honey and almonds, freshly squeezed orange juice, fruit tea with Swiss honey - reflecting on how sweet my life is - there was a time when I was quite anxious about living on my own - but is just so good!

Went out with Gilly and Rob on Friday night to Estaban's - drinking wine and talking, arguing and laughing - like we do - cooked Jimmy an enormous fried breakfast yesterday and then we just slobbed around all afternoon - I watched the Strictly semi final - my first TV for a couple of weeks - then a Spanish DVD.

Today I'm going to walk down town and get the train to New Brighton for my Belly Dancing lesson - I'm so into walking at the moment - it gives me space to think.

I'm also meditating quite a lot - though I sometimes find it quite hard when I'm away - but being at home is lovely - I can just go - but I also need time to think - and walking gives me that - and of course I need time to dance!

But now I'm wrapped up in my beautifully warm bed, just appreciating and relishing all the wonderful things in my life, counting my blessings, lucky, lucky me.......

Part of a wonderful family...

It is amazing where I go in my life - and I was feeling down on Saturday when I left Liverpool - but now I just feel so blessed. I have spend three days with a wonderful group of people - I spoke at the final session at the conference yesterday and described them as my EUCU.net family - which is what they have become. A very special and self selecting group of people - who share my passion - we talk - with passion - and a strong feeling of shared values, mission and driving purpose to our lives.

We work hard and continue late into the night over beer or gluewein - talking deeply, sharing our hearts and exposing our souls - like brothers and sisters we argue and play games, laughing and crying together - and people think I'm at a conference!

Although English is the language of the conference I have spoken quite a lot of Spanish with my new sister Ana from Columbia, and also understood quite a lot of German – though I can’t speak it – it is so amazing to be with like minded people from across the globe – how lucky, lucky am I. That’s good I’m glad I can see and feel how blessed I am – I have an obligation to cherish very beautiful second of my life – boy do I veer between extremes!

Feeling a bit down....

Shouldn't be.. but I suppose sometimes you should accept it - as that's the way it is. I think I just feel a bit over-whelmed at work at the moment - I'm going to Bratislava today - which will be fun but also very hard work. I also don't feel as certain as I usually do - and just a bit down....

Well I suppose that's the other thing - I have no-one in my life that I can just say - I'm feeling a bit down today - that's not true - I have lots of people in my life I could say that to - but I suppose I don't want to tell anyone!

Anyway blogg I've told you - so now I must get up - pack my bag and go to Slovakia - I have absolutely no reason to feel down and every reason to count my blessings and recognise how lucky I am!

Full and lovely weekend..........

... started with a Spanish lesson straight from work on Friday - and then I met up with Vanessa later and we went back to Hector's for a party - we drank far too much wine and got home exceptionally late - but it was such good fun - I love going out with Vanessa - we just enjoy ourselves - even though the day after with - missing phones, recollections about fancy dress hats - and was there really a band playing in the front room - left us both more than a bit hazy!

Saturday belly dancing lesson - enjoying these tremendously - I have so many teachers in my life at the moment - 10 at last count - I look back and I really only had one for decades - and that was Chris - and probably not acknowledged by me as a teacher at the time - but now I consciously need a lot of teachers - with a very new consciousness and appreciation - though I was always a challenging student! Hector did get his revenge at some unearthly hour of Saturday morning - by getting me to talk Spanish as he was proud of me as his student - don't think after that amount of wine I did him proud - but I was actually very pleased!

Saturday night went to my beautiful sister Jenny's and Ali's 40th wedding anniversary - what a truly wonderful party - so much love - given and received - a very special night - Ali's tender and heartfelt speech, my lovely Mum and sister Ann doing what we do - and I was glad that I remembered Michael - felt him very strongly - and had a wonderful conversation with Ben this morning - which was so special.

Driving over yesterday - and then talking with Susie last night - the rawness of those few days - getting the phone call from Ben - going to Bryony's with Rob and meeting Ben - talking to police then - phoning my sister Jenny to tell her that her 19 year old son Michael was dead - them all getting home - the nightmare of every second - I think I could reconstruct practically every hour of those few days.

Wow - just re-read this blogg so far - bit extreme - but I suppose that's were I am in my life at the moment - recognising the extremes of my life - and appreciating every precious second of it!

Kahlil Gibran

I was sent this poem last night from a fellow dancer and it has so much resonance for me.

Gibran was part of my childhood, as the Prophet was one of my Father's books - but I don’t remember it being discussed - but he was there – but I had not read his work until last week.

And then a week last Saturday, I actually went to the little town of Bsharri in the Lebanon, where Gibran was born - his family bought an old monastery and had made it into his tomb and a museum with his photos and writings etc and it was very special. I bought a couple of his books there and just loved his writings - last Saturday I read from Gibran over breakfast before we went dancing - they were that kind of house guests - they indulged me!

But this poem sums up perfectly how I felt when I danced Heartbeat this weekend.

On Joy and Sorrow Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Dancing Heartbeat.............

Started this blogg last night but got as far as the title - when the combination of a wonderfully long hot bath, a lovely dinner on my own with candles and dancing Heartbeat for the whole weekend - all caught up on me and I have slept – a beautiful long and deep sleep, which I know my body needed.

Listening to your body is so much a part of Heartbeat and then dancing your body through, with and into deep emotional places – just an amazing gift to have been given. We started Friday with fear and anger and ended up yesterday with joy and compassion, having travelled with sadness through some of Saturday and Sunday. We danced in the huge space of the Blackie to Joe’s powerful drums and percussion music.

The dancing was extra-ordinary good but then I had two house guests, who just made the whole weekend even more special and magical. Very different women, on very different journeys, but the three of us just gave and got so much from each other – we talked, ate, listened and walked to and from the Blackie to dance. On Saturday night I cooked a meal, we lit a fire in the front room and they gave me a full body massage which I can still feel the warmth of. I just got so much from their company and our conversations - and I know they did to.

At this moment in my life – or perhaps it has always been throughout my life – I don’t know – but at this time - when I need to talk something through - or to be shown how I could think differently about something I don’t understand – then people appear in my life – it’s quite extra-ordinary. Wonderful people with knowledge for me – it’s like their lives have been filled with experiences which gave them just the perfect piece of knowledge that I was looking for at that particular moment in my life.

Sometimes you just can’t see what others can see – and different people use their own knowledge to see things in you and they can see clearly what you cannot – and that is what happened this weekend. I knew things about myself, but couldn't’t see them and in particular I have been thinking a lot recently about my relationship with men, including sexual relationships. I was with my beautiful Chris for all my adult life, we grew up together, worked things out together, blossomed together, and to move on I really need to think through what I want, but also, and this was the big eye opener of my weekend – what I have to offer.

So whilst I was dancing through fear, anger, sorrow, joy and compassion, I was also given the opportunity to talk through where my journey is taking me and like so many times recently, the result shook me as a real surprise but then when I thought about it - I realised that of course this isn't a surprise - it's what I'd known for a long time – and something my life has been preparing me for and something which my heart knew all along!

Mantra time – how lucky am I........................

feeling on top of it .. but also a bit out of my depth!

Next stage stuff - in London at a weird sort of do with Belgiums - making my mark - but not certain why or even how - but knowing I am!

Crazy atmosphere tonight - as what seems to be the entire Algerian ex pat community is partying in Trafalgar Square 20 yards for my hotel – plus fireworks! Rang Robbie to get details of football achiement.

Learning so much from talking to people whose lives have involved living in several countries and recognising how much they have going for them - but also - after wonderful conversations tonight – how this leads to their own set of vulnerabilities!

Know that I want to live in a Spanish speaking country for a minimum of three months - it's the only way I'll get fluent. Wow that's a big decision I've concreted tonight! Feeling a little bit out of my depth - then had long phone call with Lesley – wonderful – and the Algerian party continues outside my window!!!

Sunday - belly dancing - easy - then Nita and Pat - mind blowing!!!

Nita and Pat have been round for tea today with Rob - so special. There are some people in your life that you are just so privileged to know and Nita and Pat are two of them - truly inspirational women.

They could be seen - and were for a long time - as the two little sisters of my amazing friend Jeanette - for those who don't know - my best friend of my younger days - Jan died aged 39 - amazing/beautifully in your face/free spirit - woman and mother of two young children Sam and Jess - a death too early - and a death that left a lot of unfinished ripples.

Anyway - today on Jess's 18th birthday we - the Liverpool we - ate, talked and drank wine and went back into our lives - we did go forward with Rob for a bit - but most of the time we went backwards and relished and cherished and remembered - it was so good that Rob was there - because a lot of that time - hard/dark days - he was there - as a young man - growing up - but part of it - I look back and see how much weight was put on him - not easy - I need to recognise this more.

Nita also talked about the day she was told by her beautiful husband to be - Neil - that he had early onset Alzheimer's - she was still in her 20's - how hard was that - to be a young woman in love - to be told in your late 20's that your gorgeous man has Alzheimer's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It turned out to be Huntington's Chorea - but basically, 17 years later, Neil can no longer speak or move - though still regains consciousness - and Nita - to listen to the detail of the day to day - wow Nita is truly the most inspirational woman I know.

This blogg has been really good for me - como siempre - because through writing about it - I understand what I know - or don't know!

winding down - being at home

It is good to be at home - though have spent much of the day - doing what needed to be done i.e. washing and ironing etc - but it is still lovely to be home.

It's Saturday night and Gilly and have I have drunk wine and eaten Gilly centric food and enjoyed ourselves- and also talked honestly.

What's happening to me - is also part of my friends lives - and Gilly especially - I need friends who can help me keep my feet on the ground.

Not certain as to what is exactly happening in my life - but feel/see that I need some special people to be close to me.......................

Wide awake when I should be sleeping.............

It’s late – Beirut body clock is now at 3ish in the morning but I’m just really wide awake – probably because I slept on the plane – both planes – I’m really tired but not sleepy!

Have been looking back at the last few weeks in my blogg – I have been to some amazing places! Also think I probably over-use the word amazing – but it does seem to be the appropriate one.

Earlier today I was in Beirut – that in itself is pretty amazing (there’s that word again) on my own –got pretty good at that over the last three years – making the most of the opportunity of being in the Lebanon – but also so very aware of my own ignorance.

I miss my lovely Chris – he could have told me the dates and details of the Ottoman Empire – the various nightmare waves of fighting/anarchy over 19 years in Beirut - and the centuries of religious conflict in Lebanon and the Middle East – and beyond. I suppose that the big thing in my mind at this moment is how we are so interconnected – people having been moving around the world – from when? From the beginning I suppose.

The scale is accelerated by airplanes – the big thing that struck me about the Lebanon though was the centuries of movement of people. The city of Byblos – where I walked around the castle etc this morning – had pre-historic archaeology then millennium of levels going back 8000 years!!!!!!!

The movement of people.......

Well suddenly feel I need to sleep......

Wow, wow, wow ...... wow!!

Don't know where to start!

Beirut has been amazing on several levels.

Work wise very good - really helped my thinking and met lots of good people and listened and talked solidly for last three days!

Beirut wise - well amazing - difficult to explain - but I have just loved my time here, the people I have met and the places they have taken me to - on the physical, emotional and spiritual planes - lot of going places in that sentence! But just amazing!

One more short day and then home - knowing it will take me a while to process all this - both professionally and personally!

Can't get away from the matra - how lucky am I...........................................

Glowing..............

The combination of Canada and the Women's Lodge at Spirithorse has left me in a beautiful place - that sounds really naf - but I am just so happy at the moment - and enjoying every precious second of this.

It's funny how difficult it can be just to accept happiness - it's like there is an alternative motive to happiness - that makes it so difficult to dive into and to just enjoy.

Guilt has a lot to answer for! It's such a destructive and poisonous emotion. We have one life - and we have a duty to enjoy it! But maybe we need the other days - the days of sadness in order to be able to be happy.

I do remember being happy when Chris was alive - I can recall the feeling of wanting to savour and cherish every second - when Jimmy was a new born baby - but apart from that time in my life - I was happy but not as conscious of being happy - if that makes sense.

I do so love this blogg - because it really helps me think - I have just realised that I am consciously happy at the moment - I have been happy, quite happy and sort of happy for much of my lucky life - but where I am now is consciously happy.

But maybe you have to have been sad in order to be consciously happy!

The end result is that I am glowing with happiness - I don't feel guilty about this and I am treasuring and loving every second of my life..... so how good is that!!!

Still in Canada.....

........and having an absolutely mind blowing time!

Yesterday I was a key note speaker - and I had a long time - over an hour - speaking over lunch - to the whole conference - and later I spoke at the end of the Charrette process............ and it was truly amazing!

This is a very special conference and I love them - and they love me!!!!!

It's funny how things work out - I was interested in coming to this conference - the first of it's kind - but I had not expected the connection to be so strong - or so powerful.

Here for another two days - the conference continues today and tomorrow I have a series of meetings before flying home tomorrow night - then the Women's Lodge at Spirithorse for the weekend.

Heard that Mama died whilst I've been here - I am going to think about that whilst I'm in Wales - too much going on for me here to go there - so I will give myself time then...................

somewhere - out there!

It's Saturday night - 10ish and I'm in Toronto - having worked all day in an amazing Charrette process - as an expert - and been with special friends from US earlier - then dinner with amazing members of my team - feel pretty blown out!!!

Obviously in some kind of superlative mode - which is good - lots of layers to this - how come I've become what I have become! International expert - where did that come from!!!!

But this is what I have become.....

Happy to be home briefly...

........but also happy to be away again soon. Living in a whirl of travelling with all that goes with that - short bursts of intensity with long times in between. If I didn't enjoy the long times I would have to stop doing this - but at the moment I just love it.

Thinking a lot during those times - sometimes work - sometimes reading spanish books - sometimes just enjoying the moment of being there. You have to have patience to enjoy travelling.

Chris loved travelling - even though physically he should have found the process un-believably difficult - but he did have an extra-ordinary amount of patience - and particularly in the last few years - just lived for and loved the moment.

I was so lucky to have such a wonderful teacher for all those years!

So it's Sunday - a walk with all 5 boys today - some of the Sandstone Trail - followed by tea with all of us and Perri - veggie lasagna and red wine!

Tomorrow dancing, Wednesday, London, Thursday Canada.............

New friends and old friends

Having a lovely weekend - should really go running but went dancing in heeled boots last night and don't think my feet feel up to it - or me come to that! OK it was a very late night but such good fun - Vanessa and I went to a Tango night at El Rincon followed by dancing on the altar of the Alma de Cuba - two single women - out on the town!

Earlier I had been to Lesley's house and we walked and talked in her local park - a botanical garden with beautiful beech trees - again two single women - going deep in conversation and enjoying each others company.

Then today I have a big group of old friends - and two sons round for a roast dinner - though it will include one new friend - Mikko from Finland who's spending 3 months in my team - and is an amazing man. Rob and I bumped into him on Friday night and had one of those great end of the week nights talking and talking over lots of beer.

I'm thinking a lot about friendships at the moment - and how each friendship is so unique and precious. How you will talk about things differently with each friend, sharing different parts of yourself, building on these over time - making a shared history - which in time becomes part of the friendship.

Thinking about this - it goes much deeper than friends and extends to all the people that you share your life with. Some are there for only short period, some for all your/their life - but all having their own purpose within your life.

It does make me also recognise and appreciate how much of a friend Chris was to me. We were together as man and wife for all those years but he was also my best friend for all those years. I hadn't really thought of that before - and I do miss - so much - that wonderful and unique friendship.

But my life is so rich - I am so blessed with so many wonderful friends old and new. Time to get up and start preparing a roast lamb dinner - to be shared around my big extended table - with some of my oldest and dearest friends - how lucky am I.

Working and dancing...

Been very busy - big group of visitors for 4 days followed by a short trip to Brussels - but managed to dance three times this week - which was great - Monday at the Dojo - first time in a month - really needed and loved that - dancing at home! Then on the Wednesday - was pretty wild with European visitors in El Rincon - which was really good fun - if some what disconcerting for several members of my team! Then today I went with Vanessa to an Andrew Holmes Day of dancing in Shrewsbury - it was just so good!

There is just something special about dancing 5 Rhythms - and today was such a really good dance - we all went deep - blowing the socks of several new dancers - who were brilliant - Andrew is a truly inspirational teacher.

The Day was called 'Take a Partner' and explored relationships - so we danced what Vanessa and I discussed - all the way there and all the way back!! A subject of great interest to me at the moment. Until three years ago - I had spent all my adult life with one gorgeous man and that formed the basis of my relationship with all men - now I am on my own and thinking about - and making new relationships with men - and it's a whole new world - but fun!!

So it's Sunday night - and I am pretty tired - have not been sleeping well and then working, travelling loads - so it's good I have been also been dancing a lot because that really does give me energy - and today was really fabulous - I danced for 5 hours intensely - and was wild and wonderful - and I will dance tomorrow night - great stuff!!!!

How lucky am I to be able to dance!

Reality not always as easy..........

Having been really proud of myself with coping so well with the third anniversary - have actually found the day really hard and long! Gilly is in bed with a cold/flu so I'm on my own tonight - which is fine - though I felt the need to talk so rang several people - but that's good too!

Bought a new stereo today for my bedroom - with an ipod dock - and it's wonderful as it fills my whole bedroom with music - have had to shift furniture etc to get it right - but I now have sound surround music in my bedroom - linked to the Ipod - which is amazing!

So a long hard day - but that's OK - it was never going to be easy - I think I have come such a long way through these three years and sometimes it is good just to accept being sad...................

Third anniversary

Today is the third anniversary of Chris's death. I have been aware that it has been coming all week/month but it has been a much lighter shadow this year. I have just looked back to the two previous anniversaries and can really see that. One of the reasons I love my blogg so much is that I can re-visit my life over the last three years and see where my head was!

So worked yesterday as normal, had a Spanish lesson with Hector - and a year on I can actually have conversations in Spanish - how amazing is that, cooked myself a meal for one - bacon and mushroom salad with new potatoes - I like the hot/cold combo - watched part of a Spanish film - and talked to Paul and Sue for a lovely long time.

I was very tired last night - which when I think of how much I've travelled over the last three weeks was not surprising! My week started in Blanes and included a trip to Bristol which is two long trains from Liverpool.

Today two of my sons will come for breakfast/lunch, I will get my hair cut - it's pretty shaggy at the moment and then Gilly and I will drink wine and talk. Tomorrow I have a big group of Europeans coming for a few days and I go to Brussels on Thursday. But I will go dancing on Monday - so looking forward to that - in one of my new skirts I bought in Bristol made from re-cycled saris!

So I recognise what a lucky, lucky lady I am and I recognise that this is the third anniversary of my lovely husband's death with contentment and joy in my heart......

Blogging from Blanes

It's Monday and I have to finish of my development plan for the new centre this morning and then Fernando will run me to Girona airport this afternoon. I do feel so at home in Spain - which is great and my spanish is getting better but it's still pretty horrible. Fernando's house is a building site - so that makes me feel at home - though I know I'll be going back to a finished house - and Ed is painting the outside whilst I'm away.

I found america hard - I always do - and Madrid was actually hard work - but exciting. So it has been lovely just to have a couple of days doing nothing - we swam in the sea on an empty beach, walked, ate paella and fish and watched a film in french - and I breathed fresh air!!! There are two terraces with views from mountains to the sea and I have spent a long time on the upper terrace just breathing and collecting my thoughts.

So back to work properly tomorrow - the second launch of the pack and then straight to Bristol.... feel I have got my energy back -so how lucky am I..............

Having a first in Indianapolis!

Chris died just days after the 2006 COE conference and in 2007 I surrounded myself with Jimmy and Harri. Last year I went with Margaret and this year I've travelled on my own - and quite right too.

However I suddenly found myself today on my own in Indianapolis - I couldn't even point to it on a map - got the time zone wrong earlier today - and although I travel all the time on my own - it did suddenly feel that I was very much on my own. Might be something to do with having been with so many of my friends for the last few days.

I have been coming to the COE conference for the last 11 years - and have a group of very dear friends and I also know so many people - many have been to Liverpool on the staff tours, or their staff or students have been etc etc - so the COE conference is always a giant thing - but the bottom line is it's work - and I'm tired tonight.

...........continued the next morning. Felt quite lonely last night when writing this - when Lesley popped up on Facebook and we ended up talking for hours - she has some phone deal with free calls to the US! It was wonderful.

I'm such a lucky person, I feel lonely - so a friend with a great phone deal just appears!!

Staying in Houston

Has been wonderful – which I didn’t expect as I so struggle with America – I find the level of hatred and fear palpable – as I witnessed yesterday in the anger around President’s Obama’s speech to the school children. Bobbye put this radio station on and it was like the car just filled up with venom. A country of extremes which is also home to some of the loveliest people I know.

The joy of being in Houston has been Bobbye, Jackie and Mama. I’ve known Bobbye for 11 years, since she did the very first Black Roots summer school and have met Jackie a couple of times since they married 6 years ago – but had not spent time with the lovely man until now.... and Mama – she is so special – now in her 90s and very very frail with dementia – she is just such an amazing person.

As I type I’m sitting next to her as she sleeps. She doesn’t always remember me – but when she does – she gives me the most wonderful smile of recognition and then she forgets – so every time she remembers me I get this amazing welcome.

Mama is very old now – well into her 90s – and has had a lifetime which has gone from growing up in New York, the daughter of a housekeeper of a German artist, to now living with her only daughter in Houston. Her only brother died tragically as a young man, a now recognised Black artist with a painting in the Smithsonian. So no immediate next generation but a huge extended family across the USA.

I am so pleased that I made it here to spend time with Mama before she goes, I have helped Bobbye tend to her and made chicken soup yesterday. I’m crying as I type this and look at this wonderful frail old lady sleeping gently next to me. I do know why I feel so strongly about Mama – we just ‘clicked’ when we met and my love for her was met by hers for me.

Mama’s Great Grandmother was born a slave. As I write this sentence and look at the wonderful old lady sleeping beside me – the enormity of this statement resonates around me. Mama used to spend her summers in Georgia with her Grand Mother and Great Grand Mother. I am one cuddle away from a woman who was born enslaved.

I’m going to put two pictures with this blog – one of Mama as a young woman in the 1930s and one of Mama and me.

My heart hurts but also radiates with love.

Spirithorse

The Valley of Dreams was just so much fun, we danced and we sang, we ate great food and we laughed, we talked and we enjoyed the rain and the gale force winds! It was a tent village of lovely remarkable people, who didn't care about convention or status. I felt so privileged to be a part of it, to be so beautifully embraced in the loveliness and often time craziness of it all!

It was also a profoundly moving experience and there were times when I did feel a bit over-whelmed by it all.

I had taken a small oak tree with me, which Lara had given me last year and had been in my back garden - and I knew it couldn't stay there. I had also taken some of the cloth from Rene's Sweat Lodge - and the tree and the cloth were incorporated into a whole village ceremony - which was an amazingly powerful and wonderful experience.

The valley is so beautiful and special and it felt very right to recognise Chris there, whilst at the same time dancing outrageously and being wild!

I went dancing last night in Hoylake, which I really needed. It was a lovely session and it has helped to ground me a bit after the weekend - get my feet back on the ground - for a few days -before I go to Texas.

Wow - I am just so remarkably blessed!

The Valley

Living on my own.............

Tonight - for the first time in my entire life - I am living on my own!!!!

Jimmy moved into his house today, all ready to start university, and I am now a completely independent woman!

Not that long ago I would have thought this to be my worst nightmare - but tonight I am just really ready for the next stage of my life. I am also very conscious of how many people live on their own, sometimes from a very early age - I am also aware that I am not the only person I know of comparable age that have actually never lived on their own.

So from today I will be on my own - rattling around this great big house - but comfortable with this - which is good - this feels very much as a part of a process -the Spirithorse weekend was absolutely amazing - also part of the process.

So I am now on my own......................... and it feels good!!!

An exhausting and emotional week

Hit me by surprise - quite how emotional and upsetting the week has been - the week of Jimmy's A level results - the upshot of which is he's going to John Moores to do History - a good result but not his first choice.

But the thing is - and I'm continuing to get upset as I write this - is that it's been such a hard three years for Jimmy - and for me too - as his Mum - I had the responsibility of helping him get to the next stage - which as Chris died just as he started his A levels - was to pass his A levels and go to university. It was an unspoken thing that this is what he had to do - because it would have been what his Dad would have wanted. Looking back over the last three years - he/we didn't make good choices - how did he end up doing Maths and Physics for three years!!!!!!!!!!! .. and in the end he was only two points off the grade required!

So I think so much of the emotion this week has been one of relief - though this has come out as anger in Jimmy and over-emotional tearfulness by me.

It's now Friday night - Jimmy is reconciled to his course - I actually think it's a better option for him - and we are friends again. We are both away next weekend and he will move out the week after that - and I suppose this has also been part of the emotion of the week.

I am proud of Jimmy for what he has done over the last three years and myself for supporting him - as much as I could - alongside his two lovely big brothers. So family Jenkins a joint effort - but an exhausting week non the less!!

Family holiday............

.......came as a bit of a surprise - though I don't know why as I did go with two of my sons, Lara and met up with Franja and her son Jan - but it was just that - a real family holiday - and just lovely - Nerezine is a perfect place - we did very little apart from swim, eat, read, played cards, drink beer, talked and laughed a lot - though I did run every morning, usually with Franja - which has got me back running - comfortably did the park this morning - so feel fit and relaxed. Don't really feel like going back to work tomorrow.

With so much going on in my life - a family holiday was just perfect - though I can't see me having another one - but who knows - Rob was also away having a ball in Bosnia and Serbia with a couple of mates - he's full of great stories - definitely didn't sound like a family holiday though!!!

So back to work - do feel a bit steadier than a few weeks ago - which is good - and how lucky am I to have had another wonderful family holiday.........................

Feeling good................

It's Saturday morning and feeling good - despite too much wine in Estabans last night with Gilly - where we met Jim and Les, and Les's parents and had a lovely time. Last weekend was also lovely in Blanes with Fernando - now that was a first! BMW convertibles are definitely my favourite cars!! It was easy, fun and lovely - lovely is obviously my word of the moment - I spoke a lot of Spanish, swam in the warm sea, ate prawns and felt special - and it was lovely!

Jim got home from Benicassim - really happy and relaxed - and has slept most of the week. We're going to my Mum and Dad's today for lunch and I'm invited out to lunch tomorrow - another week at work - then off to Croatia with boys and friends!

So I'm feeling good and very grateful for my lovely life - relishing being an independent woman!

Lara's graduation...........

...was lovely - I felt very honoured to be there and the pride of Tano y Juaquina was so wonderful and richly deserved. This is my favourite photo of my lucky son with his wonderful novia - and his mug!



Feel very excited as am off to Girona for the weekend!

IPWD y la cena española

Yesterday was special - Rob came round early and we had fun shopping for the Spanish dinner party, Alex had arrived Friday evening, so all my boys were here, which is always lovely.

Together we walked to The Beech tree in Sefton Park and I scattered the ashes of my lovely old dog around it's base. Uniting forever Chris and Kip.

IPWD - In Park With Dog was the message that Chris would text me when I was away and he was sitting on the bench in front of the Beech tree - and I would be in a hotel or somewhere - and I would know my Chris was sending me a virtual kiss. So now Chris and Kip will be for eternity IPWD - which feels right and good but also more than a bit final - a big step taken in my life without him. I was so pleased I put the big photo of Chris in the kitchen as it has felt so right to have him there visually at a time that I have said a deeper farewell to him.

We returned to the house for breakfast, Kippers for me and Rob! and did the quiz together - laughing and full of life - my beautiful three sons and me. Later Rob and I prepared for the Spanish dinner party - which was a great success. Lara and her parents arrived early evening and I had invited Hector and a friend, Lady one of our Interns and Vanessa a beautiful dancer. It was a wonderful dinner - I ploughed on in Spanish most of the evening and the food went down very well.

So it's Sunday morning, Jimmy's gone to Spain for the Benicassim music festival, we're off to see the baby this morning, then lunch with Perri, Gilly and the boys, then off to Leeds tomorrow for Lara's graduation, hoping to get back in time to dance. With so much going on in my life, I really need the dancing oasis's - to catch my breath.

So Chris and Kip are in the park together forever and I am so aware and thankful for my wonderful life.

Weekend away...

It's Tuesday morning and I came back late last night from Antwerp and Amsterdam with the TRiO students. Their summer school contains a travel element, as by selection, they have not travelled before. I haven't been involved with a trip for several years and it was good to remind myself of the reality.

They all got such a huge amount from travelling around Europe for the first time and it was just wonderful to witness the group seeing the bigger world and embracing it - I also just had so much fun! Gravitated towards the dancers in the group - and danced both nights in Antwerp but really danced amazingly in Amsterdam with three others who shared my passion.

Came back to a beautifully clean, empty, carpeted house - which was a joy - Jim's off in a barn somewhere - spoke lots of Spanish with Mexicanos and strangely met Hector in the airport waiting for his parents - where Lupe, Mario and Hector discussed my accent - which was really nice - to think that I have an accent in Spanish is a bit of a mental leap!

Came home and was too buzzy to sleep so looked at my emails and found love from Stacksteads - as always special and comforting - and also lots more photos of the Beach Party - a couple of which I think I'll put on my blogg - cos although they are a few weeks ago - it's how I look at the moment. Though I am expecting to see lots of photos from this weekend - as very very many were taken!!

It's such a joy to be happy - how lucky am I.......

Wonderful new baby...

Tonight I went to see Becki's beautiful new baby - and he really is a very beautiful baby - only been breathing a few hours but already so loved. My little sister is now a Nanny - and the epicentre and heart of an amazing family!

Amazing week...............

Started with Rene arriving from Montana and ended up with Brenda's amazing nomination by Obama and the bits in between were a very fast moving mixture of York and Liverpool, dear friends from Croatia and Finland - with lots of late nights, early mornings and a surprising amount of work done.

Highlights included sharing a crazy Bed and Breakfast attic room with Rene in York, Rob's curry and the invitation to Montana, tapas with Jimmy and Harri followed by too much dark rum and reassurances - so it's Friday evening and I'm genuinely exhausted but also as high as a kite!!

So a bit of a Wow week - understatement! - and I came home to a house with carpets - which still takes a bit of getting used too - but is also wonderful - no dog to greet me - but strangely I'm getting used to that. Know I will take a bit of time to absorb all this - though a week like this can only reinforce my 'how lucky am I' mantra.

So I don't have to get up ridiculously early tomorrow which is definitely different but I am also on my own which is a first in well over a week but wow what an amazing week!!!

Saturday night...

.. and for a change I'm not at a dancing party! But I am just enjoying being at home - as the house moves on!

I made the decision a few days ago that I will put nothing back into these newly decorated (and carpeted) rooms that I don't want. This is actually very hard as I'm either re-cycling or throwing away very deeply personal things that can easily have 30 years or more's worth of connections. But I'm doing it ruthlessly - watching - and physically - taking these things either to the tip - or getting Rob to take to a charity shop.

This morning I also went through all my photographs since Chris died and took a selected CD to Asda to print - I also bought a large frame - and am doing a montage of 2 years plus post Chris. I haven't made it yet but have got all the photos I want together - and have just laid them out approximately on a large frame. It doesn't have much from the first year but from year 2 - it's got lots of family, old and new friends in different continents - lots of photos of me - which is very different from the other montages around this house - and lots of happiness - which is really good to see and to recognise.

I also got a large photo of Chris printed at Asda this morning - and bought a frame. After quite a bit of thinking I have put it up in the kitchen - in the corner where Chris used to sit. It's actually quite in your face - when you turn round and see him there - and I have been thinking all night is this the right time to bring a big photo of Chris into this newly transformed and different house!

But what I have decided is that this is exactly the right time to have an overt picture of Chris more visible in my house. At the moment I'm making so many changes in my life - but that lovely man was the making of me - he has gone - but I don't want to forget him - what ever else happens in my life.

The house wave gently finishes with carpets...

.. and with flowers courtesy of Sefton Borough Council!

My house - the shell that I have lived in for over 30 years - has had a face lift - been a bit of a trauma but needed to happen - today the final carpets were fitted - though like all these things - Ed will have to come round next week - to plane two doors so that they will close! - but apart from that - and the horrible mess that's in the other rooms and needs sorting out prior to going back in - it's practically finished!!!!!!!! I am just so happy about this - and it's lovely and green and pink - and different from how it was - a bit like me!

waves of turmoil..............

Not certain why but feeling quite anxious at the moment – not really worried anxious more like an excited anxiousness! Blogging quite a lot – I suppose because I need to think it through and although I’m talking to lots of people I’ve not really got one person to talk to – so thank you blogg – you are my person to talk to!

I suppose it’s this overwhelming feeling of change going on my life. Although on the surface very little has changed – still doing my old job, though that’s changing, still living in my old house, though that is definitely changing and still have my old friends though I now have quite a lot of new ones as well, which is lovely, don’t have a dog any more and that is a change.

I suppose the real change is me. Looking inside of me - I think I have changed or am in the process of changing. I suppose the anxiety is linked to what’s going to come out of all this change! Though writing this is good because as I write I realise that I want this change and am happy and excited about the changes going on.

Not certain why I wrote waves of turmoil as my heading for this entry – but I think in some ways it does sum up quite well what I’m feeling at the moment - which being part of a big wave, strong feeling of being swept along, not feeling in control of where I’m going, enjoying the ride but also feeling a bit anxious about the whole wave crashing and being swept into the maelstrom. But I suppose all waves crash, some more spectacularly than others, but all finally end up at their farthest gentle point before being drawn back into the whole again.

So it’s Saturday morning and the decorating of the house has finally finished, the carpets arrive on Wednesday and a wonderful Limpiadora has come into my life and is cleaning up the debris left behind. The houses’s wave of change has crashed and I can see the beauty of the wave gently hitting the shore before being pulled back into the ocean!

Estoy disfrutando la ola de mi vida como un flujo de cambio, caos y belleza!

All change............

Have been thinking of changing my blog photograph for a little while - and when I was sent this one today I knew that this was the photo I wanted to show the new me. the email referred to Trish's renaissance which I also really liked as well - as I do feel like a new woman - Renaissance Tricia - aka Dancing Tricia.


I danced for the best part of 10 hours on Saturday night and into Sunday morning at an amazing beach party and was wild and happy. Danced with lovely memories of my beautiful old dog - who had run on that beach many times. Didn't feel guilty about being happy - watched the night turn into day, danced with the stars and the sea and anyone else who was dancing and felt wonderful - even managed after an hours sleep to have a Spanish lesson with Hector!


Work today was very good - know I'm a bit over the top at the moment - but am surrounded by wonderful people - who seem to be coping with me - as it's Monday - I also went dancing - my feet just can't stop at the moment!!!!


Haven't lost sight of Chris and part of my joy is the certainty that he would be happy that I am happy again - he will never know Renaissance Tricia - and he could never know her as she's his legacy. But my joy also recognises that he always had a wicked sense of humour!!

Well Kipper's gone

The Vet came round this afternoon and Jimmy, Rob and I sat with Kip whilst he was gently put to sleep. It all seems to have happened very quickly.

I remember thinking not long after Chris died that I just couldn't face Kipper going and although I am very upset at the moment I am also OK about it. It is strange how it has happened just when I am very clearly moving into the next stage of my life - me moving on and Jimmy leaving home - and it just seems right that Kipper should go at this time and join Chris.

We will get the ashes in a couple of weeks and then scatter them around the beech tree - then Chris will be for ever IPWD - In Park With Dog.

He was a good dog - and as Alex commented at the time of Chris's death - we had been a three dog family - Stan, Beryl and then Kip. I loved them all but Kipper was really a very special dog - my lovely Kipper and he loved me too - devotedly - and I will miss that - his lovely presence - comforting and also such a strong reminder of Chris and our life together.

So no more walks in the park every morning - I'll miss them - did all my best thinking in the park - enjoying the beauty, the trees, the sky and the birds. Very important to me - those mornings - my time - my peace.

However the strong feeling of change in my life, touched with chaos but also beauty gives me a clear and definite knowledge that this was Kip's time to go.

So I shall grieve tonight and then tomorrow go dancing at an all night party on the beach at Thurstaton - which will be a really good place to dance farewell to Kipper, remembering him running along that beach, his long legs and elegant silhouette enjoying every second of his life.

So good bye my lovely Kipper - it's right for you to go now as I unfurl my new wings and dance my way through my lucky life - thank you for sharing your life so willingly with us. xxx

Lovely old dog's last days...............

Took Kip to the Vets tonight and am now coming to terms with the fact that we are on Kipper's last days. The Vet was a lovely young woman and over the next week or so - I will arrange for her to come round to the house one afternoon and to put our lovely old Kipper to sleep.

Have talked to all my wonderful sons tonight and am moving towards a date - probably next week.

Lots of emotion involved with this - know we can't keep him - and am very unwilling to let him keep going beyond the point he lives in pain or as the vet described it - he collapses somewhere like the park and it all gets horrible and traumatic. So the best thing is - we get the Vet around one afternoon, probably next week, and she enables him to die in the safety and security of his home. Know it's the right thing to do but still feel very emotional about it.

Kipper has been a lovely dog and the fact that he was there with Chris in his last conscious minutes adds a depth of emotion to this. But I want him to go with dignity and without fear.

But I will miss my lovely old Kipper................................

There and back again............

How lovely it is to have been away and amazing..............

It was absolutely amazing...............

Not being very coherent here .....but it was just an amazing week!

It's Sunday morning and I'm home in my house - which is now nearly finished and green! Jimmy's birthday sounds a triumph orchestrated by Rob - and the dog is still his lovely old self - and I am me - different - and I suppose the same - but I do feel very different.

Last year I danced through the loss of Chris - and this year I danced in the new Tricia. I danced deeply and profoundly, made choices and accepted the chaos that I'm living through and also spoke quite a lot of Spanish!

I was also taken out for lunch twice by a very cute young man in style and felt fluttery and girly - and enjoyed the feeling!

So I'm back home - as it's Monday I will go dancing tonight - there were several of us from Liverpool dancing this year and their presence added to the richness of the week. It was just a lovely group of dancers, doing what we do - which is dance!!!!!

Going dancing for a week....

My heart is singing in expectation as tomorrow I am going to Spain to dance for a week.....

Feel a bit bad about leaving Jimmy with the decorators - both of them! - with his revision - and it is his birthday on Thursday - but Alex is home tonight for the weekend and Rob is going to cook him flaming steaks on his birthday - and he is 19 - and I really want to go dancing for a week.

Also work is very busy - for a change! - and it seems strange to be going on leave as I have been away so much - but most of that was work or a day linked to a weekend.

Anyway justifications and excuses over - I am just so happy to be going dancing for a week!!! Suitcase packed and heart singing!!

Catching my breath...

Finally feel able to catch my breath after the roller coaster of the last few weeks. Last weekend helped and I was only away one night last week in Belfast - but I do feel so much calmer this weekend. Might also be because I went dancing yesterday - a Saturday dancing - it felt like it was my birthday - a special treat - 6 hours of dancing with a an excellent teacher in the company of many of the Liverpool group plus others...... feel very good this morning - even if my feet are a bit tender - but they did have such a good dance!

Still quite early Sunday morning - I wake up so early these beautiful mornings - Alex is home - so I will take the incontinent dog for a walk in the park then make two of my wonderful sons breakfast before they grapple with Jimmy's Maths and Physics revision. Then I will go and buy Jimmy's birthday presents - he's moving out in September and wants cooking things - so I shall enjoy that. Then Rob is coming round for tea - a lovely day to look forward to. Big breath and my mantra - how lucky am I.....................

Lovely weekend

Been away with the walking sisters and it was wonderful. Stayed in a beautiful place and we just walked, ate, talked and laughed ..... how fabulous is that!

This was our picnic...


.. and this was the view whilst we ate!



... and this is how I felt yesterday at the top of the hill - with the whole of the lakes and Lancashire in front of us - afer a great walk!


I was so mad busy last week - coming home to a house in total disarray - rushing around like a mad thing clearing up before I left early Saturday - but it was so good.

House whirl continues as the second decorator is now working on the hall stairs and landing - Jimmy and I have just been to choose carpets and paint. I can see the end in sight!!!!!!!!

Dancing tonight - missed it last week as I was in Strasbourg - my life is so full - and I'm finding everyday and everything a joy - bluebells and trees with fresh leaves - beauty, chaos and change.......

My house is a mess........

.........of unbelievable proportions. Mind I haven't been here much - which is just as well as it's doing my head in now I am! The back room is now nearly finished - the 'nearly' bit seems to be a common occurrence in this process!

We have not had the computer at home until tonight (and it's still not working properly) - hence no blogg - however the back door is now fitted - eventually - but not quite finished of course - just surrounded by mess!

I was away in Wales last weekend - which was wonderful - discovering on my return - for four hours on Sunday afternoon - before going to Strasbourg - that there had been no back door for two days - just a space! Jimmy copes remarkably well with all this and because he felt he couldn't go out - he just invited all his friends around - so they had a good weekend! I just can't wait for it all to be finished - the mess is just so horrible.

Today has been full of news of death and illness and tomorrow is our big day in London - so feeling very wobbly at the moment.

All of these things are the chaos and change of life - I know I must enjoy them with beauty - that's made me smile and I feel better for writing my blogg!

Baby Showers and being home

Arrived home on Wednesday evening, back to work on Thursday and Friday, which I found quite hard to engage with - still lots going on - with a strong element of change and a personal under-current of chaos!

Yesterday Jimmy and I got up early and blitzed the house for Becki's Baby Shower - which given decorators and me being away - needed it! The party was absolutely lovely - it was Gilly's idea and I don't think any of us knew quite what to expect - but I made an afternoon tea and Gilly found banners, balloons and a couple of games off the internet and everyone brought a present for the baby - and the soon to be Mum and the two great Grand-mothers, the shortly to become Nana and Aunty plus the Great Aunties and friends had a wonderful afternoon! Jimmy stayed in to say hello to his Nan - which he did - but then hid upstairs - not a party for an 18 year old boy!

Busy again at work this week, Jimmy has his mock A levels and the decorator starts on the downstairs and a new back door should be fitted. Not going to do too much today though - apart from sort out the back room ready for the decorator! Life's good.

Being in Gigon....

...........is so extraordinarily special. I asked Hector if I could practice talking about Chris in the past tense and complicated things like "he would have liked" and it was a really good thing to do. As I knew I would want to talk about Chris to Juaquina and Tano and I have been able to do so which is great.

I felt the Chris wave really strongly when I was here last year and have discussed it since with Alex, and even though I expected it this time, it has still hit me very powerfully. Chris would have just loved Gigon, Tano, Juaquina and Lara. Over breakfast I have just had a discussion with Tano about the need for shopping lists, just one tiny example of how Chris and Tano would have agreed. I have also talked at length, and in Spanish, to Juaqui about family values and the importance of little things. I even quoted, over dinner last night, my current favourite saying: " Disfruta la vida como un flujo de cambio, caos y belleza." "Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty." Which I think shows how far my Spanish has come and just how lovely these two are to let me talk so freely.

I was very tired when I arrived but the joy of being so well looked after, fed wonderful food a minimum of four times a day and a siesta is really working and I already feel that I have more energy to take home with me.

The boys have gone camping with Greg and his daughter and the incontinent dog, Rob accidentaly phoned me last night and I had a lengthy voice message which was them trying to put the tent up, with the banter between them, it was very funny.

So how lucky am I to have found new friends in Spain and how lucky is my middle son to have found someone as gorgeous as Lara. I am enjoying my life as a flow of change chaos and beauty.

Things going on in my head!

And there are lots of them! Feeling quite confident but also quite worried at all the uncertainty and change going on. House progressing slowly - stopped last week but hopefully to continue next week. Lots and lots of changes at work - well more uncertainties than actual changes.

Am going to Lara's parents next week for a few days and I'm so looking forward to it - I will have to focus so hard on speaking Spanish that I just wont have time think about work or the house - so that's good.

Boys taking incontinent dog camping - not certain if they realise how slowly he walks these days - went over to the sorting office to pick up a parcel yesterday and he really struggled walking back - made me realise that I will never go running with him again. Lovely old Kipper, he is special.

My parents are due back today after nearly three weeks on a cruise in the Artic Circle - Mum will be 89 the following weekend - I have been thinking about them a lot - I do hope they both had a wonderful time _ I know my Dad was very anxious about it - but holidays at 91 are a rare treat! Back to my mantra how lucky am I to still have them in my life.

Changes

Got strong under-current of change going on my life at the moment. This is exacerbated by the upheaval going on in the house. Lots of decorating and consequential mess. But one room completely finished - I now have a new spare bedroom - this week I should have a new study upstairs and possibly a new - don't know what room downstairs. This process is making me so aware that this house is really just too big for one person. Jimmy's planning to leave in September and has already paid the deposit on a house with his friends - so it will just be me and the incontinent dog!

But the process has been a good one as through it I have got rid of so many 'things' that were part of my old life - but things that were not there with a purpose - just things - and their presence was a weight - and getting rid of them - does make life lighter for me.

Still find things which throw me - looking for something yesterday I found Chris's wallet - with his driving licence in and a few other things I obviously couldn't face throwing away before - I still wasn't able to this time - and I just shoved it back to the back of the sideboard draw - for it to appear again at a future time in my life. Maybe one day I will get rid of it - but there again maybe not - and the thing is it doesn't really matter if I do or I don't!

Talked to Rob this week about how much he missed his Dad. I feel very selfish as I haven't thought about how much the boys miss having their Dad around. I suppose I haven't wanted to go there as it does make me sad to think of them missing him. I was talking about this to Les last night - after a lovely meal out with the 'girls'. Les gave me a lift home and I showed her the work in progress going on in the house and then we sat and talked for quite a while which was lovely. And I talked about my boys missing their Dad.

The good thing was that they were all really close to him. Chris always had a regret that his father died when they were not that close - Chris was about Jim's age when his father died. My boys were all very close to their Dad - and I suppose that's what they are now missing - that closeness - and they always will. But Chris's love and the fact that he was their Dad - will always live with them - and has made them the wonderful young men that they are today - they are such a huge component of Chris's legacy - three amazing young men.

Feeling a bit weepy after writing this - but that's good too - as 'The soul would have no rainbow - if the eyes had no tears.'

It's a beautiful morning to take the dog to the park and to practise my Spanish by talking to the trees!!

Thinking about things

It's Saturday/Sunday night and nearly 2 in the morning but I'm wide awake - thinking about things - large mug of chamomile tea to assist in the winding down process - considering I have been awake at 5.30 every morning this week - I should be sleepy - I think I'm extremely tired but not sleepy!

Went to a 50th Birthday party tonight - to someone that - because I met him him - when he was 19 and a student - and I was 25 and a mother etc - I have always thought of as a much younger than me - but tonight he was 50 - that felt weird.

There were lots of people there that I've known for years (decades)- some I talked deeply with - if only briefly - some I don't think I will ever be able to talk anything other than superficially with - and that feels a strange place to be - as I felt like I would have liked to have been able to talk to them.

Still feeling full of last weekend - and probably compounded by lack of sleep - I probably wasn't very diplomatic - but life's short and I really enjoyed seeing and talking to people who wanted to talk - but did feel a bit irritated by some of the others. From their point of view - I was probably too 'in their face' but also have probably always been!


Definitely time to go to sleep!

Back home but different

It's wonderful to be home and to recognise and cherish all the blessings that I have in my life. Whilst away I reflected not on myself but on 'an other' and it has left me with quite a different sense of things. Last time I was left with a sense of euphoria and joy, this time I can see those things, but I am also feeling strong mood swings.

I suppose I am just more aware of others. I went dancing last night and was very struck by how much my fellow dancers were getting from their dance. It was quite a different way of being at the dance and it is wonderful to be doing the same things that I always do but to see them differently.

Back into work today - feeling that it could be quite hard. Things are so fast moving and so full of pressures at the moment, and as much of this pressure is on others, I think I need to consciously try to keep my own perspective clear and focused.

Big things are also happening to others in my life, Perri has an operation today and Lara has her PhD viva tomorrow. This affects them but also the others close to them - it can be so difficult to be close to someone you love who is in hard place.

I thought a lot over the weekend of Chris's pain and how I had been a witness to his pain - which had been constant and sometimes un-bearable. Chris's strength was based on his lifetime fight with pain, a fight he rarely despaired of, though he lived with pain which would have destroyed most people. He did despair, not often but sometimes when the pain had been particularly ferocious, lasting over several days, constant remorseless pain with no sleep, just his lonely personal battle with pain. On these occasions he did despair, in the dark of the night, when he just had had enough, he would surrender briefly to despair, but the next morning he would get up, put on his cumbersome, heavy and painful legs and just get on with his life - he truly was an amazingly extra-ordinary man.

I can see the experience of the weekend will have affected me deeply but I know it will take time to assimilate it all. But now I'm me - back to being me - at home - with an incontinent dog that needs walking - a beautiful son that needs awakening and a job that needs doing! How lucky am I!

Feeling Exhausted but knowing there is more

Stuff at work beginning to feel a bit over-whelming but I'm definitely not on my own with this one!! Running to catch up with myself all the time - with a worryingly feeling of madness - currently underpinning many aspects of my professional life!

Am relishing - though knowing it wont be easy - the fact that I will going on another EI weekend tomorrow.

A strange feeling - and a joyous feeling - 4 days away from everything - except from those things that I think/and know are important - well no pressure there then!

Sunday morning and wide awake!

It's 2 am on Sunday morning and I'm wide awake - so I thought I'd have large cup of chamomile tea and do my blogg. I have just come from another wonderful party - my social life is extra-ordinarily good at the moment - a dancers party - in a beautiful house with a great open plan downstairs, wooden floors and doors that led into a huge garden - perfect for dancing!

I love going out with the dancers, it is so easy and so much fun. We don't drink very much, talk a bit - but even though I know them really well, I don't know what they do in terms of jobs - or really anything very much about them - but I know some of their beliefs and I know they care for me, and I know I really enjoy being with them - and of course I know how they dance! So we go to parties and dance and it's wonderfully easy and fun.

I am happy on my own and it's a good feeling. I think I'm in a new phase of my life - I have been a widow for two and a half years and I think I might be moving on from the grieving stage. Not sure yet because like all these things it will become clearer with hindsight. But I do feel a growing lightness and a love of life even though I can see and know that I have lost the love of my life. I think of the young girl Tricia at 18 meeting Chris and the woman Tricia losing him at 53 and it was a lifetime. I suppose what I'm feeling now is the recognition that I have a new life to live and I must treasure every second of it.

So time to try and sleep - though my mind is whirling and my feet are comfortably aching, but how lucky am I.

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m reflecting in the stillness of Sunday morning on an extra-ordinary weekend.
Friday night was Paco Peña, singers, Sense of Sound, a children’s choir and a Flamenco dancer – I don’t know what to write to capture the event – they played, sang, danced - A Requiem for the World - and it was magical and moving and its power is still with me. The dancer was extra-ordinary – the way his whole body moved – whirling, stamping, emotive – wonderful - I was transfixed. I went with Aziz and Jamal and the ‘girls’ and Hector had the spare ticket which was very appropriate as it was all in Spanish. So a magic start to the weekend.

Saturday night was the Spirit Horse Masked Ball and a truly magnificent event on many levels. The fun and enjoyment of dressing up, going over the top – we all looked amazing! Going with quite a gang of Liverpool 5 Rhythm dancers - and the pleasure of their easy friendship – and dancing - the opportunity to meet again with some of the EI people and make more sense of my own place in this other larger tribe - a truly wonderful occasion.

An amazing and beautiful night – this blog is just completely full of superlatives! But now the opportunity to reflect as always – how lucky I am - and to take the time to be genuinely thankful for this – which I hope I am. Off now for lunch with my parents and Becki, four generations of us will be nurtured by fish pie!

Coming up for air.....

Well that what it feels like this weekend. Have done very little for two days - except some Spanish - which is fun. Kept on going all week - rarely been so busy - day and evening - with visitors - early mornings trying to keep up on things - just remembered I started the week in London!

One morning - in the park with the dog - I felt a really big missing Chris wave - might have been 'cos I was pushing myself - but might have just been because it was! I suddenly remembered the moment I came back from work and found him in the garden with Jim and knew that he was going to die. I was reflecting on how I knew from that second that he was going to die - and I also reflected on how I felt at peace with this - even whilst it was happening. I have always felt at peace with Chris's death but I still miss him daily.

Anyway - new life goes on - dancing party of Friday night - I didn't think I was going to make it - because I was so exhausted but I did - and danced without stopping for 4 glorious hours - I couldn't stop - or I would have fallen asleep - where I stood!

Should be a bit quieter this week - hope so.

Feeling happy....

Well there's heating now and one room well on the way to be decorated but looking back at last week it really was a bit of a blur - so busy at work - then I was in Germany for a couple of days at an excellent conference - writing my presentation at 6 in the morning on the Friday - and last night arrived at Manchester and going straight to Paul's party - getting home this afternoon - I have just enjoyed myself so much - which is fantastic!

I also feel really full of energy - which is quite extra-ordinary as I have had very little sleep for several days - I was absolutely buzzing at the party last night- but the party had a wonderful atmosphere - and I suppose I just fed into it and from it! Off for a Spanish lesson now - and can see myself improving which is great - though the more I know the more I recognise I don't know - but that's just so true of everything!

Busy, busy, busy

Just mad busy at the moment - don't seem to able to catch my breath - feeling particularly knackered today but that's because I went out with Gilly to a concert at the Arena - her birthday present to me and then we went on - so didn't get to bed 'til really late - but not complaining because it was a lot of fun!

Work starts on the new boiler tomorrow and then the back room will be decorated - and then hopefully work down through the rest of the house. Jimmy has put a deposit on a house for September with his friends and then I'll be on my own, rattling around this great big house! I'm not worried about being on my own - there was a time the thought of it would have terrified me but I am very aware of how big the house is. Talked about it with Gilly last night and Rob this morning and I think it would not be a good time to sell the house and I don't know if a lodger is the right idea - as now I'm on my own it's OK. Anyway I know I'm right to get the house in order and to continue with getting rid of stuff and then I'll make decisions at the right time.

Another busy week coming up and no heating for a couple of days -uggh!

Lovely weekend - lots of boys

Alex came home Friday night - I had been away with the team for a couple of days - I do work with a great bunch of people - and after my Spanish lesson I went to the pub with Rob then talked with Alex - he had come home to help Jimmy with his maths and physics. Perri was busy Saturday so the boys came round early and Rob, Aziz, Jamal and I sorted out old books, which was a job that needed to be done. Then last night I went out with the 'girls' leaving five boys in front of a coal fire - doing what boys do. Then today I went for a walk with Aziz and Jamal in the park leaving Jimmy wrestling with maths with his big brother!

So a really special weekend - I just love feeding boys and they do eat a lot! My three are now watching the football in the pub and Kipper and I are slobbing in front of the fire - life's good.

Dancing Saturday

I had known there was a dancing Saturday coming up in Manchester but hadn’t realised it would be possible for me to make it - but I realised sometime during the week - that there was absolutely nothing to stop me – it was my choice - so I went and it was truly, truly wonderful.

It is difficult to explain to non dancers what we do but yesterday I spent 6 hours, 5 ½ hours as we did have a break in the middle, dancing. The theme of the day was the Body. Although we dance in a group and sometimes with a partner, we actually dance for ourselves. The teacher Andrew was amazing, the dancers were a mixture of groups and levels and I danced deeply and profoundly, probably the deepest I’ve ever danced. So a beautiful way to end my birthday week.

It did now however stop there, as I was invited to a birthday party last night, so soon after getting home I went out. It was a lovely party and I really enjoyed it but I struggled to keep my eyes open after midnight – all that dancing! – so I just came home. Time now for some serious Spanish, take the elderly dog for his constitutional and then I must go shopping – we are about four days into absolutely nothing to eat in the house – obviously except yogurt and honey!

Birthday weekend

My third without Chris. My first two years ago - was memorably awful! Looking back I was still very raw and though I thought I was getting there – the reality was pretty superficial - sorry D & M it was a truly dreadful evening!

I was talking about this to Gilly on Friday night, I had moved on enough to appear to be functioning - but I was in the duck on water stage – looking OK on the surface but pedalling away like mad underneath!

Last year I just removed myself from here and was in Croatia with Margaret, a good move - as Varaždin and dinner at Violetta’s, with Dragich and Renata was always going to be special and it was.

So this year, confidently saying I’m fine and genuinely believing it.

Looking back – I had a huge loss, my life partner of 35 years dropped dead - the first stage was just a lost fog – but say from my birthday two years ago - the last couple of years - I have felt two big and almost counter-acting forces. The first has been a growing recognition that I need to fill this monstrously huge gap in my life and a second countering force which involves fear of change. I suppose there has also been a third - very strong component which is that I am Chris’s legacy and there is a lot of responsibility that goes along with that. I think I can only now really start to understand what I have lost as I see how much I am filling the space with!

So it’s Sunday the 18th of January, I’m in bed with glass teapot of tea posy tea, sweetened by honey from Scottish bees, listening to a 45 minute CD of music I have made for the warm-up at Dancing tomorrow night, music which I can say is my choice and reflects my own tastes in music, though under-pinned by Chris’s (and increasingly Jimmy’s) musical preferences.

I will soon eat a home made yoghurt, sweetened this time by Slovenia honey and do some Spanish. Mi Español está mejorando, verdad! My year is starting to take shape, not certain where work will take me, but another EI weekend in March, a week’s dancing in Spain in May and a couple of weeks in Mali Losinj, how lucky am I. Today 14 or so people for a roast dinner here, tomorrow dancing and later in the Everyman. Chris left a big hole in my life and I can see that by how many people are needed to fill it!

Soon be time to take my old and idiosyncratically incontinent dog for a walk, not too far today as he’s a bit stiff after a special walk along the shore with Ioanna and Pete yesterday. Kipper has had a new lease of life with his medication from the Vets, which is lovely.

So - feliz cumpleaños a mi y muchos gracias por la lectura de este.

A new year ........................

Back at work this week - I have always found the first week back difficult. The dark early mornings come as a shock to the system. Picking up all the bits of work and looking ahead to another very busy year ahead, though an uncertain year, no routine forming in my working life - which is good but a bit scary too. Finding it hard to find my own focus when I look around in the context of the world and see all the mess that we humans have made, but knowing I can only do the best I can. Can see why people find January depressing.

But how lucky am I, having a lovely weekend, Alex and Lara home from Spain, Chilli Banana with the boys, Lara, Gilly and Nita on Friday. Fireworks to mark end of Capital of Culture with Perri, Lara and boys, then big tea and silly games in front of coal fire last night. Now Sunday morning time to take the dog and do my Spanish homework and appreciate my life and the new year underway.

New Years Day

It's now very late on New Years Day - and we have just had a lovely lovely day after a great New Years Eve Party. Last night - I'm not certain how - my whole house was full of great people - and we danced, talked, drank some wine, ate some food and just had a wonderful time. Mainly dancers - it was a very unpressurised night of uncomplicated enjoyment - now that's rare!

Today Sues, Paul and I tidied up - we all had a big breakfast, then Franja and I went for a walk, visited the Beech Tree, watched 8 episodes of Pride and Prejudice whilst drinking 'teaposy' tea, eating European chocolates in front of a big coal fire, played cards with Jimmy and Jan and again just really enjoyed ourselves. I should be tired as I didn't go to bed until 5.30 but still feel wide awake.

How lucky am I - feel this so strongly - I'm moving on - my life is changing so much - so many new people, so much to be thankful for - WOW!