Bank Holiday Monday

On the spur of the moment - decided last night to go to Old Trafford for the 4th day of the England/New Zealand test - now there's a first! Went with Jim and Rob - and we watched England win - which was a great day out - did think I would put this on facebook - but not yet got the hang of that - so here is a picture of an England cricketer making his 100 - am never going to get the details right on these!

England scored sufficiently early for me to get back for dancing - so that was also a result. Feel better cos at least did something this weekend! Work tomorrow and HrH on Wednesday and then a bid to write by Friday 12 noon. But feel happier so that's good!

Bank Holiday and feeling weary

It’s very early and I have been up several times as the dog started and then the fuse box tripped – and set the alarm off twice - no idea why! Feeling pretty exhausted at the moment anyway – not sure if I’m down or just tired or maybe a bit of both. I should have been walking with my sisters this week but I had to cancel because of the opening of the building – it would be really nice to be walking and talking for a week – so perhaps that’s why I feel a bit low.

Had the boys last night – and I made bread and mini pizzas and we watched the Eurovision Song Contest – I fell asleep on the sofa before all the votes were all finally in!

Started to clean out the backroom yesterday and inevitably found Chris stuff – don’t know if I should do any more of that this weekend. Yes – I have decided I am a bit down at the moment – that’s good now I recognise it – I can start to pull myself out of it. Maybe the Bank Holiday has just given me an extra day and therefore the time to be down though I'm cross with myself for 'wasting it' - it's catch 22 because I feel weary and therefore can't be bothered to do anything.

I think the tiredness is a big issues for me at the moment. So maybe I should do nothing this weekend - but I've never been very good at that!

Jimmy is 18

.. and gorgeous - he is such a lovely lad. We are watching the European Cup - he can't do anything tonight as he has 3 physic exams tomorrow - and I'm so proud of him - as he has taken these exams very seriously - a few weeks ago I really didn't think he was on track but the penny seems to have dropped over the last few days - and at the moment - half way through - he seems to have done OK - I'm holding my breath and just hoping... it's so hard being a parent cos you can't do it for them - not that I could have ever done physics AS! He does seem positive at the moment - which is great.

Stuff at work rumbles on - the opening of the building next week is pretty hysterical - it's an unbelievable mess at the moment - but hopefully it's like spring cleaning and everything falls into place very quickly at the last moment!

Feel much more positive myself this week - a good long conversation with Margaret last night helped - and the dog seems to have calmed down with his early morning barking - but maybe I'm sleeping better and not quite so sensitive to it.

So my baby is 18 - have felt a bit of a Chris absence tonight - but that's right and normal - it's a significant day.

Bloggs and Facebook and an insomniac dog!

Well have now joined Facebook and have 4 friends! Have been thinking about the differences between blogging and face-booking - not sure yet - but will work it out - the big thing must be the reciprocity - I feel the blogg is very one way - well from my point of view - anyway - I think I will probably be more 'honest' on the blogg and I look foreward to seeing what other people are up to.

Tried to switch off over the weekend - as was very pressurised last week - and in danger of losing the plot at times. Have realised one big problem - I'm not sleeping - well I'm waking when it gets light - and today have worked out why - Kipper is waking at dawn and barking and barking! Sounds stupid that I hadn't realised but 4.15 is no-ones best time. I've been aware I'm awake ridiculously early - and then not going back to sleep -but I hadn't linked it to the dog barking. Though I should - as it's a bit obvious! The clocks went foreword and then I was in France etc and I just thought I wasn't sleeping and not being get back to sleep - that probably isn't just the dog - that's the stress of the last couple of weeks.

Anyway - Jim and I have discussed it and we are going to try various options - one a night - very scientific - tonight we will leave the radio on - to see if that helps. It's just after 9 and I've been awake for 17 hours and it really is too early to go to bed - though I'm very tempted.

Ups and downs and changes

Having particularly upsetting time at work at the moment – lots of stuff which I’m taking personally – and ending up struggling to see the woods for the trees – hopefully will be the other side of things in a couple of weeks.

Anyway today I have made a couple of decisions – I'm applying for a course in July – which if I get on it will be good – feeling very strongly that I need to move onto other things. Today when I felt really low I had a call from my colleague/friend from Glasgow which was really good – but reinforced this feeling that I do need to move on.

The other thing I have decided today is to join Facebook – I will keep my blogg – as this is me – reflecting on where I’m up to and in many ways replacing ‘Chris conversations’ – the Facebook is not that at all - but me day to day - though am not really sure yet - so far I have one friend – but welcome any blogg readers to become my second one!

Jimmy did 2 of his maths exams today and was positive tonight - which is really good. I'm so holding my breath on this one.......

Lovely weekend

Peri’s choir was in London so had the boys from Friday evening – made pizza’s for the first time since Chris died – as I’ve started making bread again – occasionally – the pizzas were really good - we then played cards – and Alex appeared later on, Jimmy was out at another 18th Birthday party.

Walked with my sisters and the boys on Saturday , whilst Alex did Maths and Physics with Jimmy. Later booked flights for Fiona, Rob, Becki and I to meet on Mali Losinj for a week, hopefully overlapping with Franja and her son and then Renata. Croatian islands and Pizza - a Chris weekend but without Chris - I talked to Jenny on Saturday and then Ruth and Peri on Sunday about how other people fill the gaps in your life. And yesterday we went to Gilly’s 50th Birthday dinner, which was really lovely, I made a speech. Back to work now…

France

Was good - lots of old villages, churches, aqueducts, history and medieval/roman ruins etc interspersed by markets, wild horses and mountains. I did less walking than I would have liked and Gilly did more than she would have like - but as good friends we compromised.

Thought a lot about Chris, for several reasons, we had travelled that area together and with the boys, he would have liked the format of the holiday and I just missed his knowledge and company.

Back home to find Rob – just happening to be here – which was lovely – it’s nice to come back and talk about where you’ve been. Jim has been fine but is getting a bit freaked about his exams which start in a week’s time, Alex on the phone – connecting with my three lovely boys.

Work tomorrow – can’t say I feel ready or up for it – probably because I’ve switched off – which is good. Walk with my sisters on Saturday and then Gilly’s birthday dinner on Sunday.

Feel tired but not sleepy but happy to be home.