Feeling very tired at the moment - and yes I have had a good weekend - never did the walk with Gilly - a combination of rain and stuff - but the rest happened - a lovely birthday tea yesterday - half way between Jamal's and Aziz's birthday - on request tomato soup and home made bread rolls - Chris would have been proud of them - not baking as regularly as he did - but have started to make bread occasionally - and should do it more often as home made bread is pretty special!
Went for lunch with Mum, Dad, Jim and Becki today - Rob was working and the boys went home as it is the fifth anniversary of Heff's death today - made me remember sitting on Peri's sofa that awful morning telling the boys that their Dad had died - they were only 5 and 8 at the time - a good contrast with last night when Rob and I played very competitive cards with the boys - a lovely normal family evening.
Lunch today was also lovely - Becki was gorgeous and Mum and Dad were both in good form - Dad's hearing aids seem to be working better and he was more involved in the conversation - he is so sharp - my Dad is pretty magic - he doesn't really converse very much these days - and if he does start talking my Mum often just talks over him - but when he talks it is special - he started crying today when he talked about friends who died at Dunkirk. he is now 90 and my Mum is 88 - though she doesn't look it and still swims 20 plus lengths most days. She has just been eased off the Abbeyfield Committee - they seem to have done it well and it must have been difficult for them - she has been secretary for the last 30+ years and key to their current building etc etc - but she is probably several if not many years older than most of their residents - she is pretty amazing too!
Anyway I feel pretty tired tonight and don't really feel ready for next week which will be a hard one - but the good thing is that I'm off next Friday to Provence with Gilly for a few days as her 50th birthday holiday. Funny can't believe Gilly is 50 - she was about 14 when I first met her! Gilly has given up smoking after 30+ years and has found it as difficult as it is - she has done really well though - but really giving up smoking means changing your life and lifestyle - not easy things to do by any means.
Have just read my emails and really feel for this guy I know - as he had managed to send this very personal email to one person to an email list which I'm on. It was a long and very personally reflective email that he had intended for one person which by mistake he sent to all of us followed by an other email when he had realised what he had done. Thought about my blogg but thought that although I don't know who is reading this (with a few exceptions) I am aware that people are reading it and write with that knowledge.
Still I love my blogg! it gives me space to write/talk about myself and for those of you that are interested enough to read it - thank you!!!!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tired and not convinced..
Been an irritating and tiring week - came back from Edinburgh this evening - it's a long journey, especially as I only went up yesterday afternoon.
Last night went for dinner with colleagues and especially Fiona from Glasgow. We had a really good conversation 'til quite late on - our careers have had a lot of similarities and over the years we have got quite close - so that was good. I talked about dancing and also reflected on being in Edinburgh - not a huge first - but I had lived there for three years with Chris and sometimes a place or a thing will get you thinking and talking!
Feel a bit dissatisfied at the moment, work mainly - not the people or the place but the frustration that sometimes comes in any job. It's making me question what I want to do in the future - already a bit of a question in my mind and I suppose when something is on your mind - everything just reinforces it!
Anyway - a nice weekend to stop thinking about work - a walk with Gilly tomorrow, the boys and a birthday tea for Jamal tomorrow night with them staying over and then on Sunday, lunch with my parents, Jimmy and Becki , Rob's working, for Mum's 88th birthday which we missed because of the wedding last weekend. So hopefully a full and leisurely weekend when I can stop my brain whirling and hopefully get some sleep.
Last night went for dinner with colleagues and especially Fiona from Glasgow. We had a really good conversation 'til quite late on - our careers have had a lot of similarities and over the years we have got quite close - so that was good. I talked about dancing and also reflected on being in Edinburgh - not a huge first - but I had lived there for three years with Chris and sometimes a place or a thing will get you thinking and talking!
Feel a bit dissatisfied at the moment, work mainly - not the people or the place but the frustration that sometimes comes in any job. It's making me question what I want to do in the future - already a bit of a question in my mind and I suppose when something is on your mind - everything just reinforces it!
Anyway - a nice weekend to stop thinking about work - a walk with Gilly tomorrow, the boys and a birthday tea for Jamal tomorrow night with them staying over and then on Sunday, lunch with my parents, Jimmy and Becki , Rob's working, for Mum's 88th birthday which we missed because of the wedding last weekend. So hopefully a full and leisurely weekend when I can stop my brain whirling and hopefully get some sleep.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Very special wedding
Quaco and Sophie’s wedding was so lovely. I went with Margaret and we felt very honoured as our role in their meeting was acknowledged in the speeches and the actual ceremony. The links with Sophie and Quaco are special – deepened as a consequence of Sophie being with me when I got that awful phone call from Jimmy - sometimes people just become special in your life and they are – they are also just two of the loveliest people I know. So an extra-ordinarily happy wedding as the beaming smiles in this picture show!
Another working week tomorrow – hope the pleasure of the weekend stays with me – but I think I will better this week – hope so – the thoughts of my lovely friends also give me a warm feeling –and yes spring is in the air!
Another working week tomorrow – hope the pleasure of the weekend stays with me – but I think I will better this week – hope so – the thoughts of my lovely friends also give me a warm feeling –and yes spring is in the air!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
visiting dark places
I’ve had a shit day and though I recognise that these things happen from time to time – I’m still struggling a bit with everything at the moment -like everyone does.
Tonight – I can’t find any real justification for anything apart from I’m trying to do the best with my life. The fact is that I’m just feeling a bit lost at the moment.
My lovely Rob came round tonight – unexpectedly – it was if he knew I was feeling so low – and he told me that he’s come off his medication and he wanted to talk – I feel a pretty shit mother – cos I was obsessed with myself and my own shit day – but Rob is so lovely - he thinks so much – and who should say he shouldn’t - but I‘m just feeling so low I don’t know anything very much at the moment.Perhaps it's good for Rob to see me not coping - Jim's out tonight which I'm glad about.
Days like today happen – sometimes you feel shit – and I suppose that – know – that I should just recognise this – feeling very vulnerable though – but that’s life – you go up and down – hoping tomorrow that I will find a justification for doing what I do/exist for – not certain what the alternatives are but hope I can find them tomorrow.
Tonight – I can’t find any real justification for anything apart from I’m trying to do the best with my life. The fact is that I’m just feeling a bit lost at the moment.
My lovely Rob came round tonight – unexpectedly – it was if he knew I was feeling so low – and he told me that he’s come off his medication and he wanted to talk – I feel a pretty shit mother – cos I was obsessed with myself and my own shit day – but Rob is so lovely - he thinks so much – and who should say he shouldn’t - but I‘m just feeling so low I don’t know anything very much at the moment.Perhaps it's good for Rob to see me not coping - Jim's out tonight which I'm glad about.
Days like today happen – sometimes you feel shit – and I suppose that – know – that I should just recognise this – feeling very vulnerable though – but that’s life – you go up and down – hoping tomorrow that I will find a justification for doing what I do/exist for – not certain what the alternatives are but hope I can find them tomorrow.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Wide awake
Saturday night
Gilly has been round for tea –drinking wine, watching TV, talking, being mates – being home – good stuff – my brain is still buzzing from being away – body also – wide awake at 12.30 – when I should be knackered – not certain if I will get up at 9 tomorrow for a run!
Jim wasn’t very well last night – had a temperature and a bad cough – he seemed better today – out at Richard’s tonight – but that’s just a few doors down – felt glad I was home when he felt unwell – though I was out on Lark Lane with Gilly last night early on – being selfish in many ways.
My Mum said that it was good for Jimmy, as the baby of the family, to have to take responsibility – with me being away etc – and like all these things I think yes and no. He didn’t need/deserve what happened to him – but maybe it has given him real strength and it certainly has changed him for the rest of his life.
Also makes me aware that I’m also a third child (and child of two third children) – never had the responsibility of my older sisters – took me so long to understand many things which maybe Jimmy now understands – Chris certainly understood so many more things more than I did/do – his childhood experiences - gave him grief but also knowledge.
I have felt a real Chris loss the last couple of days – my head’s buzzing and I miss the ‘talking through stuff’ I would have had with Chris – hence two long bloggs!
My current obsession – compounded by the books that I have been reading - have made me think a lot about the things that you have absolutely no control over – like your mother’s state of mind, life style etc while she was carrying you – I think I had though through some of the stuff about the family environment for a baby/child – but the more I think it through - the more I see the legacy being a so incredibly fundamental part of who you are. Again my mantra – how lucky am I.
But it also makes me also think about my children – I can but hope I/we did our best – we did what we thought was good for our children and ourselves - but whether that was the right thing - I don't know. It also makes me think about definitions of ‘success’ – this is something that is so huge that my brain really does hurt tonight!
It’s now 1 in the morning and I think I should sleep. Thinking is good though……..
Gilly has been round for tea –drinking wine, watching TV, talking, being mates – being home – good stuff – my brain is still buzzing from being away – body also – wide awake at 12.30 – when I should be knackered – not certain if I will get up at 9 tomorrow for a run!
Jim wasn’t very well last night – had a temperature and a bad cough – he seemed better today – out at Richard’s tonight – but that’s just a few doors down – felt glad I was home when he felt unwell – though I was out on Lark Lane with Gilly last night early on – being selfish in many ways.
My Mum said that it was good for Jimmy, as the baby of the family, to have to take responsibility – with me being away etc – and like all these things I think yes and no. He didn’t need/deserve what happened to him – but maybe it has given him real strength and it certainly has changed him for the rest of his life.
Also makes me aware that I’m also a third child (and child of two third children) – never had the responsibility of my older sisters – took me so long to understand many things which maybe Jimmy now understands – Chris certainly understood so many more things more than I did/do – his childhood experiences - gave him grief but also knowledge.
I have felt a real Chris loss the last couple of days – my head’s buzzing and I miss the ‘talking through stuff’ I would have had with Chris – hence two long bloggs!
My current obsession – compounded by the books that I have been reading - have made me think a lot about the things that you have absolutely no control over – like your mother’s state of mind, life style etc while she was carrying you – I think I had though through some of the stuff about the family environment for a baby/child – but the more I think it through - the more I see the legacy being a so incredibly fundamental part of who you are. Again my mantra – how lucky am I.
But it also makes me also think about my children – I can but hope I/we did our best – we did what we thought was good for our children and ourselves - but whether that was the right thing - I don't know. It also makes me think about definitions of ‘success’ – this is something that is so huge that my brain really does hurt tonight!
It’s now 1 in the morning and I think I should sleep. Thinking is good though……..
Thursday, April 10, 2008
happy to be home...............
Back home in my favourite bed combo – camomile tea, hot water bottle, MY music and blogging.
Today started somewhere and at sometime in the middle of the Atlantic – got home 11ish and after a quick sleep – went into work briefly with Jimmy as he had a maths session with his tutor Helena and I wanted to show myself at work – building work seems ongoing but Debs seems to have got on top of the crazy furniture situation and all seemed purposeful and good.
Rob, Jim and I went to Tesco’s – managed the shopping bit - put 35p worth of petrol in tank and flooded the forecourt with petrol before giving up – one task to much for a tired brain!
It was so lovely to be home tonight – back on my sofa – knitting and watching the last episode of the Big Experiment.
Brain full of the last week – it was a good one – in particular the Medicine Wheel – spent time at the conference talking and being inspired by First Nation Canadians and their wonderful approach to holistic education. Much food for thought.
Being away – makes me so appreciative of my life – the ‘So how lucky am I mantra’ – fills my being tonight. It’s nearly midnight and I have a full day tomorrow but the jetlag starts kicking in at this time and I don’t feel ready for sleep – after a week of wanting to go bed by 9 most nights and then being wide awake at 4.30!
Read 2 books on the way home – one a story of a hundred plus year of a Metis family – which was one of those happen chance things as I have just spent 3 days talking to people from Manitoba – and the other on the Medicine Wheel – again – as I had just chosen the books at ‘random’ – it’s resonance was remarkable – I bought a third book but I’m too tired tonight to start reading it – but I know it will provide further food for thought.
Very full of thoughts tonight – so happy to be home – boys, Mum and Dad fine – though my Mum was cross with herself for falling again today – her body is getting tired but her spirit is still very strong – thankfully she didn’t break any bones.
Camomile tea, fragrant oils and music doing their trick - sleep is a warm prospect………………
Today started somewhere and at sometime in the middle of the Atlantic – got home 11ish and after a quick sleep – went into work briefly with Jimmy as he had a maths session with his tutor Helena and I wanted to show myself at work – building work seems ongoing but Debs seems to have got on top of the crazy furniture situation and all seemed purposeful and good.
Rob, Jim and I went to Tesco’s – managed the shopping bit - put 35p worth of petrol in tank and flooded the forecourt with petrol before giving up – one task to much for a tired brain!
It was so lovely to be home tonight – back on my sofa – knitting and watching the last episode of the Big Experiment.
Brain full of the last week – it was a good one – in particular the Medicine Wheel – spent time at the conference talking and being inspired by First Nation Canadians and their wonderful approach to holistic education. Much food for thought.
Being away – makes me so appreciative of my life – the ‘So how lucky am I mantra’ – fills my being tonight. It’s nearly midnight and I have a full day tomorrow but the jetlag starts kicking in at this time and I don’t feel ready for sleep – after a week of wanting to go bed by 9 most nights and then being wide awake at 4.30!
Read 2 books on the way home – one a story of a hundred plus year of a Metis family – which was one of those happen chance things as I have just spent 3 days talking to people from Manitoba – and the other on the Medicine Wheel – again – as I had just chosen the books at ‘random’ – it’s resonance was remarkable – I bought a third book but I’m too tired tonight to start reading it – but I know it will provide further food for thought.
Very full of thoughts tonight – so happy to be home – boys, Mum and Dad fine – though my Mum was cross with herself for falling again today – her body is getting tired but her spirit is still very strong – thankfully she didn’t break any bones.
Camomile tea, fragrant oils and music doing their trick - sleep is a warm prospect………………
Friday, April 04, 2008
America
I find America such an incredibly difficult place – the profligacy and wanton waste of resources, including people, very quickly gets to me. The recession and the election seem to have added another layer of barely hidden hysteria to the country this time. Went out for dinner with Brenda last night and I think Trish was shocked by hearing her analysis of the reality of the American way of life for her students.
Anyway we are off to Boston today and Canada tomorrow – I’ve never been to Canada so I’m looking forward to that. It’s still very early here but I’ve been awake for what seems like ages – too much time think!
Anyway we are off to Boston today and Canada tomorrow – I’ve never been to Canada so I’m looking forward to that. It’s still very early here but I’ve been awake for what seems like ages – too much time think!
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