Feeling strangely emotional

Don't know why but I am feeling very emotional. I really didn't want to leave Paris and my beautiful little granddaughter, it was so special to spend time with her, unexpectedly out of hospital. It was just very, very, very -  can't think of the right word, beautiful, special, magic.......  to be part of a family  with a newborn baby is just such a very special place to be.  I have only been that close when it was my sons,  my own babies, so to be there at this time was a real privilege.

So yesterday we got home and went round to dinner at my sisters, where my mum was staying - that was nice - it felt more Christmassy -  sitting round a table eating and drinking, laughing and talking - being family........

As we walked over the park I also felt Rob's grief  for his father, he still misses him so much......  in someways more than I do....  so that was poignant - and then being close to family and witnessing their sadnesses and emotions - is strangely affecting - we are strange things us human beings!

Today was another family day, lunch/afternoon with Pat and Nita.....  with  Rob and Vaughn this time. Six weeks to the day when Pat, Nita, Rob and I sat and waited for news of Alba's birth and prepared for Neil's funeral......  it feels like an awful lot has happened in these six weeks.....   and I suppose it has.

So now in the quiet time between Christmas and New Year - and a special New year with Jimmy and Rachel's wedding....... maybe I am feeling emotional because I have time to be so! That's a good thought and I shall enjoy being a bit weepy and feeling 'full' - and recognise that it's not only OK to feel like this - it is GOOD to feel these emotions - to be human and to feel sadness and joy - and they do seem to be so intrinsically linked - so to feel is to be human - and ALIVE..... how good is that!

In Paris.......

........it is 21 December 2014 and I am in Paris. Yesterday I went to see my little teeny tiny granddaughter Alba in hospital, she is doing very well and should be home within a couple of weeks or so. Not yet 2kilos - but close - she will be allowed out when 2.2 kilos!

Yesterday was also my son Rob's birthday and he joined us late on in the evening which was also special.

And on Friday I completed SiS Catalyst and said goodbye to the special team of young people who have been working with me on it for the last few years. I will go back to work in January, but part-time to complete the final reporting of the project. So a couple of months to do that, then two weeks of Jury Duty and then off to Australia and India........ followed by the rest of my new life!

But before that we have Jimmy and Rachel's wedding on the 1/2 January - the biggest family gathering for many years - so also very special!

I do feel very tired........  I feel like I have got to the end of the marathon and looking back over the last four years that's what it has been. The last few months have also been an emotional roller coaster which obviously  included the early arrival of Alba but also completing SiS Catalyst and saying farewell to the team etc...... a lot of stuff......... I also did travel an awful lot over the last few months.

Rob and I are staying here in Paris in an Apart-hotel  which is great because it has a little kitchen etc so we can be independent, not to mention a very nice swimming pool with sauna etc. It is also just round the corner from Alex and Lara's so it is very convenient.

This morning we went to a really lovely traditional French market and stocked up with all sorts of delicacies and Rob and I are looking forward to cooking for Alex and Lara..... as the baby is still in hospital they will spend most of the day up there and it will be nice for us to feel useful. We will also be washing the many tiny little clothes she is now wearing..... baby clothes are so magic and premature baby clothes just make me melt with goooyness!

So the first days of my new life will involve cooking and looking after family - but also relaxing and being me - with not a lot of responsibilities - which is an amazingly good way for it to start -  not in my own home though appropriately in a family home in another country with Lara's Mum Juaqui,  so speaking Spanish (Juaqui has just left to fly home to Asturias) and shopping in French, with Rob over from Croatia and feeling good that we can be useful to Alex and Lara and the teeny tiny Spanish/British/French baby Alba. I do live a multi country life!

Thinking about my Mum but knowing that I will speak to her regularly, that as I write Jenny is with her and that she will a lovely Christmas at Ann's with Max and Tanja and that she is also really looking forward to the wedding.

.............. so what a joy.....  feeling knackered but very, very, very happy.

My little granddaughter Alba

Today I met my beautiful little granddaughter Alba Myosotis San Emeterio Jenkins. Here in this picture in her Dad's arms. Very special time..........

Certainty and uncertainty (excitement!)

I'm back home from Colombia. Wow!!!!!! In the last three weeks, I have been in Japan, France, Italy, Colombia and twice in the USA in transit. Extraordinary!!!!

I go to Paris tomorrow to see Alex and Lara and teeny tiny Alba.

We are getting to the end of SiS Catalyst and there is a lot to do. At the moment, and for the next three weeks, I have a lovely team of young people who are helping me complete the documentation of our last four years. But from the 19 December they will be gone. It feels like I am coming to the end of a huge part of  my life. Which of course is true!

It was wonderful to be in Colombia, and I do resonate with the country and the people. I'm also frustrated by my bad Spanish and know that I really must put the time and effort into becoming fluent.

I don't remember when I have been quite so busy!

It's early morning and I seem to have some kind of reverse jet lag, because I should be feeling sleepy at this time of day and I'm not. Though I do feel a bit disorientated, which, when I think about the travelling and also the emotional roller coaster of the last few weeks, I am not really surprised.

I just renamed this blogg, certainty and uncertainty. Because that's exactly how I feel! A wonderful certainty but also a very strong feeling of uncertainty/unknown-ness, which is not scary....... I am trying to analyse exactly what I am feeling, I think it is excitement!

Last night I danced. It was a very special and deep dance. Our teacher Clare wanted us to dance as individuals, but also as part of the collective. And that is what we did. I did go extraordinarily deep, and it was an amazing  dance. 

It is also what I am writing about for SiS Catalyst -   the relationship between the individual and the collective, trying my best to get the words exactly right. But it is also something that I'm feeling very strongly at the moment. Feeling me, one person with their own individual thoughts and feelings, but also a part of the a growing awareness of global consciousness  and the huge changes that are unfurling around the world,  and probably beyond. 

So that is what I am feeling at the moment, a beautiful certainty combined with strong feeling of excitement!!

What an extraordinary world we live in.

I am now a grandmother!

My teeny tiny little granddaughter Alba was born last Sunday.

She weighed in just over 2 1/2 pounds - 1.225 kg, the smallest baby that I have ever seen.

She was born at 33 weeks and five days, Lara had a Caesarean because the baby was not growing properly.

So a rather fraught weekend. It ended up as a really intense but a really special weekend.

Rob was home for Neil's funeral, and it felt very good that he was home. We ended up spending the Sunday afternoon with Pat and Nita - waiting to hear from Alex, knowing that the baby was being born that afternoon, and being very close, planning the details of the funeral and reminiscing, telling stories - a very special afternoon. Then we heard that the baby had been born and that everyone was okay.

The funeral was on the Monday, it sound strange to say - but it was an excellent -  really special -  I went to Paris on the Wednesday and have been there since, but tonight I am in Milan, on my way tomorrow to Medellin.

This blog is a bit  - all over the place - I tried to think  of another way of saying it: basically I think it is reflecting an amazing, emotional and special week.

Feeling very tired - and coming to the realisation that I am a grandmother1

Being on my own in Japan.....

...... has been a very strange and interesting place to be!

Lots of levels to this, there is Japan - which has been really extraordinarily, I didn't know what to expect, and have been very surprised and very impressed, and also connected ( like you do - but it is different - but the the same!).

Differences and similarities - I suppose maybe because I have travelled so much - or maybe this combined with being me - means that I can see differences and similarities -  bufffffff - I think I need to recognise that I can see stuff - and accept and be grateful - and then just get on with it!!!!!!

There is also the work, which has also been surprising, again that's about levels, I thought I would find a different level of thinking because it's at a global level, and I did but then I didn't.  I need to hold onto this thinking - to hold close to me for the times I lose confidence  - and feel nervous and presumptoius - when I should just recognise that actually I do know what I know - and that I can see!!!!

As I write - I can see that Japan is being very empowering for me - back to the accepting and being grateful and then just getting on with it! But I do need to recognise that it has also been lonely - being here on my own.

..... so finally being on my own in Japan - has made me very conscious of the reality of being on my own. Which of course I am - not in a relationship, soon not to be living in my own home, not having family around me, not often socialising with people who live close to me  - basically being ON MY OWN - which of course I am - Wow - how many times do I need to write the same stuff - and then to just recognise and accept this.

On my own yet not - whilst I have been here I have connected and linked with many via technology - even my Mum a couple of times - so I suppose it is the physical connection that is missing - the connections are here........

OK - so Japan has been big for me......... and a time to step up - and of course the first step is to just 'be' - but currently I have just to 'be' in Japan!!!!

So my learning here - is about being me - and to just BE - and get on with the wonder of where that will take me.... hahahaha - could be anywhere!!!! So for the next couple of days it will be Japan - wonderfully bonkers - the way to live life!
xxxx

Death.... and how we live our lives - hindsight!

....  tonight I am very aware of a death,  though as I write I do not know if Neil has yet gone, though I do know it  will happen very shortly. 

Conversations tonight,  over the phone,  have been deep and profound. They have also ranged over more than 40 years, and included other deaths -  and other reflections on our collective lifetimes. Lives woven together - sometimes a light weave and sometimes an intense complex weave. Lives, expectations, reality, choices, courage and fear - coping/not coping - guilt/acceptance - the stuff of life - the blessing of life,  the harshness of life... the meaning of life.................

It is a beautiful gift to have this kind of conversation, ranging through so much and made so poignant by the imminent death of Neil. His life  has been triumphantly poignant. Aspects of it so hard, yet aspects of it so amazingly full of love ... as to take your breath away.

I want to write something profound, but don't think I am able to - but I do want to acknowledge how grateful I am for the amazing people in my life...... bufffffffff

The mystery continues........

I have just read my blogg  from Friday and was surprised how upbeat I felt! This week has just felt so hard.  The sense of transition is just getting so strong.

And I suppose there are two sides to a transition, the leaving and the beginning. At the moment I am deeply immersed in the process of leaving and I haven't yet fully started the beginning. Though I am making plans for 2015, Australia and India, dancing in Spain in September……

But after that I'm not sure what I will be doing, where I will be going…… or why - questioning my purpose I suppose.

I am excited about the new beginning, though there seems an awful lot of things to do before I get there.

I think I need to recognise that these are big things that are happening to me. I will be leaving the city where I have lived for 40 years and I will choose to make myself homeless. I think this is at the heart of my uncertainty, I will leave my flat and take up temporary residence somewhere else around the world.… and I will have no fixed address, no home. This is going to be a really big step for me…… and I will be doing it on my own.......

But how exciting, half of me is just so excited, this time next year I will be packing up all my belongings and putting a few in storage somewhere, quite where I haven't work out yet, then with a suitcase I will be off!!!

How lucky am I to be in this position? Extra ordinarily lucky!! I love writing my blogg, I woke up this morning feeling a bit miserable and now I feel excited and happy……

I am so ready for this, but like every new adventure sometimes taking the first steps are always the most difficult.

Friday night in Brussels

It's been a long day!

I am feeling really proud of myself, because, and it seemed quite a stupid little thing now, but as a claustrophobic -  I never thought I would be able to travel on the Eurostar. It almost does feel like a ridiculous fear, now I am the other side of it, but  - it was a really big thing for me - and yes I am so proud of myself that I did it!

It's funny, probably because I was worried, but lots of little things happened today - my taxi was late, my first train was cancelled, unexpected crowds in London - none of them stop me travelling - but all of them added to my journey I suppose, my learning -  all good stuff!!

So it is Friday night and I am in Brussels -  really enjoyed the keynote speaker at the conference tonight and the conversations  afterwards.

I am in a very strange place in my life at the moment,  a real point of transition -  moving on, moving on, moving on.......

I am also very happy to be at this point,  but I am also very aware  that I do not know where I am moving on to  - my heart  just loves it, and it's really singing.......  but my head is not totally convinced!!! This sound so familiar.

 So in Brussels,  happy to be here,  especially connecting with SiS  folk, strong feelings about the excitement growing, but also knowing that-  it's all a mystery!!!!

Sunny Sunday morning

I'm in Liverpool, but not for long as I am going over to my Mum's for a while and then on  to Oxford for a conference.

Last week felt very "full on". It's not just about being busy, it's also about the future. I have been very conscious that this time next year I will be in the final stages of planning to leave Liverpool. I get a lump in my throat when I think about this. I have lived here, with the exception of three years in Edinburgh, all my life since I was 18.

It's been eight years since Chris died and I have been on my own. My three sons are now grown men and live in three different countries and it does feel very right  that I leave Liverpool. Although as I write this I am aware of what a big step it will be.

There's also other things involved, particularly my mother. She is still very fit and healthy for a  94 year-old and I see her very regularly, but from next year there will be  long periods when I won't see her. Talking over the phone is okay but it's not the same as being with somebody.

I danced on Monday with a very strong sense of sadness and I think that was around the two things, leaving Liverpool and my mother's eventual death. I think it's all right to have feelings of sadness, it's a kind of preparation things which will come.

I also had a very exciting week, lots of work but also lots of dreaming/imagining the future and what it could look like, also some of the things that I will do! 

 I do feel that I'm doing this on my own and then I realise that I'm doing it with wonderful people all around me, but then of course I realise that I'm  actually doing  it on my own! But that's what it's all about - living our own individual lives, and at the same time connecting to others.

I love the way that the Universe aligns things. Things happening in unexpected sequences, which on reflection were perfectly ordered. This last week has  full of that kind of serendipity/coincidence - the Universe opening doors for me -  thing I have to do now is just to go through them!!!

Off to see my Mum and Jenny, then off to meet completely new group of people and see what comes out of that………

And it is such a beautiful day……… 

Thank you Universe……

the HUGE things are actually not so big - it's the little things we can change that make the difference

........am back in Brussels again - and have just had an extraordinary night of learning - buff - it does feel like something extra-ordinary happened tonight - so will be difficult to describe and put into words- but I'll have a go!

OK  - it's about 'knowledge' - what it is - and who has it - and where!

OK I am in Brussels - why I am in Brussels is irrelevant - but probably not so -  I am here for a Roma conference  - hosted by the European Commission and the Council of Europe - and on one level good people doing good stuff - but tonight it feels bigger than that!

This will be the difficult bit to explain - tonight I saw very clearly that the next step for humanity is about where the 'knowledge' is 'held' globally......

......which of course is actually individually.....

......tonight I saw the 'knowledge' being held by those who are perceived by most of us (the others) as the ones who are the 'problem'.

I saw this knowledge not only true and powerful but also the future......

I also saw that how most of us look at all of this upside down - we see problems/issues etc but actually we miss the solutions that those who are living these lives can give us.......

They - those from these communities (and of course children ) - also don't see their own amazing knowledge because they live in our shared society - with all that goes along with that - so are 'educated' and live real lives as the ones who are marginalised, abused, discriminated against... and some as fighters  against all of that - But living hard lives - but actually living lives which give them the 'knowledge' that the  'others' need. How many consciously live with this knowledge I don't know - I live an amazing life and have connected with many - but think this is a unrepresentative sample! - but the awareness/awakedness is there in still quite a small percent - but then all conversation starts at a different level!

So back to the bigger picture - we are all actually 'us' and the 'other' and  we need to look inside ourselves for the answers to everything....

So nothing new - all so obvious then! But tonight I do see so very clearly that the transformation required for 'us' is to look to those that we see as the 'problem' and to recognise that they  actually have the knowledge for our shared solution.

Not certain I explained it as clearly as I saw it - but this stuff is all about the paradigm shift - the change we need/ are making in our  thinking - I know I need to be able to explain more clearly something so fundamental - but  maybe I am being presumptions....

But hey hey - this is my blogg and my learning - and wow - it feels enormous!!!!!!!!!!

Blogging from Paris

.... and feeling grounded - and it's good to be back to earth!

I never caught the afternoon flight as it was cancelled and I ended up having a really great time courtesy of Air France! After being picked up by a taxi I was taken to a 5 star hotel - fed the most wonderful food and spent the afternoon in a beautiful spa, sitting in a jacuzzi in the sunshine, having a deep massage, sauna and  turkish bath...... my body had a wonderful water caressed afternoon - and it was exactly what it needed!

I woke up the next day with so much clarity it was wonderful.......

Then yesterday a really good seminar which reflected back to me where my thinking is and reaffirmed what I know - but even when you 'know' it is sometimes difficult to 'know' you 'know'!

And I  DO KNOW!!!!!!!!

Love the clarity.

So waking up in Paris - off to Brussels later - feeling really positive and happy. Know I have a lot of work to do but know that I can see where I am going!

Yesterday at the seminar a guy talked about 'knowing' in the French language - it was part of a deep discussion. There are three versions of the verb to know:

Savoir - to know
Savoir-faire - to know how to
Savoir-être - to know oneself

This has really helped my thinking as we need all three kinds of knowing..... and we can't use the first two without the third.

So I do know and I know how- but most importantly I know these through knowing myself!

Happiness is!

In two days time it will be the 8th anniversary of Chris's death and the third anniversary of my Father's death and it is good to be alive. To recognise what these two beautiful mean gave me, to love their memories and to be consciously happy on my own journey which is the legacy of theirs.

I feel a huge wave of gratitude.................

Off again!

......and I don't yet feel fully grounded after Vienna and Prague!

This afternoon I fly to Paris then on to Brussels on Wednesday and back on Friday.

Vienna was huge... and it felt not only the end of something big but also the beginning of something enormous! It felt overwhelming at times when I was there  - and also in the last week since I have been back home. I can see the big picture and that is so exciting but I am not yet able to see clearly the details of the path.... I know I need to just let it happen but of course this is not an easy thing to do!!!

But as I have been doing this all my life - I really do know how to do this - I suppose the difference is the level of consciousness - I am very aware - at different levels that I am manifesting my own future - and because everything is connected this goes beyond me - and because I am doing this consciously I have to take on the responsibility that goes along with that - BUT and this is the really hard bit - not to let fear come anywhere into the picture.

So going with the flow of conscious creation - BUFFFF! That's a biggie for 7 o'clock in the morning....but it feels like butterflies in my tummy - but of anticipation not fear! Wow!!!!!!!!!

whirlwind.....

.... have been very aware that I have not blogged for a couple of weeks.... but it has been an AMAZING couple of weeks......

back in Liverpool but still not grounded after Vienna...

I look forward to blogging and reflecting on the massive changes going on in my life....

.... not certain when that will happen though!

All good - actually all beyond good - but that sounds bonkers - but hey that's how it feel much of the time!!!

Short blogg!

Am home twice since I blogged - probably!

A week today I arrived home from Cairo, then went immediately to London very early the next day and then to the Spirithorse valley the next day........ and then I got back yesterday and I then went to work today and............ now I think need to stop and work out where and what I am!

Ok - what am I? - I am very happy...... I have been to amazing places..... and I have met and connected with wonderful people - but sometimes it does feel like my life is just one big beautiful roller coaster! I am also feeling a bit spaced out..... which might be because of where I've been and what I've been doing..... or might be because I've had a Egyptian tummy bug now for over a week!

So this will be a short blogg - early to bed, catch up on sleep and maybe come down to land tomorrow! Or maybe not - it's all very interesting!!!!!!

The valley was amazing though - such a powerful sense of belonging - my heart sings with gratitude and I can't stop smiling!

Reading my blogg can make me cry...........

..... it's Saturday morning and I'm still in bed - I have been happily slobbing after a busy week, a transatlantic flight and a lovely night out with Gilly last night. I wanted to look back at a previous trip to Canada and to see what I had written at the time - which I did and it was good to recognise myself then - but also myself now...... I have come a long way.

Well then I started to read other earlier entries and I caught a glimpse of the sadness I felt in those years after Chris died.......... it made me cry....... I have come a long way!

I am enjoying the tears running down my face - beautiful tears of love but also of life....... I read about the 16 year old Jimmy that I was so worried about at the time -  now a married man and living in Prague - WOW!

Things are happening so quickly and also so amazingly - I don't know why I am amazed because I just know...... that I create my life.

I had a conversation on Thursday night with someone who is changing my life - by just being in my life - he has made me think differently.... I am conscious of this and consciously following my intuition as things unfold. When I talked about my future he said: Now is the time to take responsibility. Which came as a complete surprise but once he said it - I knew instinctively that he is right...... Now is the time to take responsibility - and this is what I will do - wherever it takes me..... I am amazed at my life and yes I have come a long way!!!!!!!!!

Talking, talking, talking.......

........ tonight am home - arrived back from Canada this morning - after a week of 'non-stop' talking.....
in Toronto, Hamilton, Detroit and Toronto.... talking, listening, reflecting, remembering...... it was amazing!

I know my work is about learning - and from how I see it - from a soul's perspective - being incarnated/being human - is all about learning....... so being what I am - and doing what I do - is just so fulfilling - because it is all about learning!

Being born  a human being is to learn - or should I say being given the opportunity to learn - and what I want to say is - YES let's take it!!!!!!!

Well that blogg surprised me!

It is getting late - I should be and am tired but my body is now beginning to wake up!

I have just spent the evening talking on the phone - catching up, being in my family's/friends lives - great stuff - tomorrow a big work day - so maybe I should encourage my tired body to forget it's time differences and just go to bed......

...... but there again I just feel so excited about the things that are happening in this my life!!!!!!

Such a happy week.......

The first time I can remember being 'consciously' happy was around the time Jimmy was a baby - I recall really trying to hold onto every precious moment, treasuring the very special time of his early babyhood, being a family with Chris and my two big boys - 12 and 6 at that time .... consciously recognising my happiness and enjoying it for what it was - a beautiful time in my life.

For a while now I have understood/felt consciously happy a lot of the time - but this last week has been an especially happy time..... and my heart sings with the memories of such a wonderful week. It was a week of family.... witnessing my youngest son getting married, with such authority and calmness - being the man that he truly is now.

What a week for him - leaving Liverpool on Tuesday to meet Rachel in Prague after being apart for six months, moving into a new apartment, in a new city with all the hassle and financial stuff that this involves, having Rachel's parents and brother Ben staying with them during this time, organising the details of a wedding, having his Mother, two brothers and Lara pitch up - and being beautifully peaceful and calm and just getting everything done....... it was awesome to watch.

The wedding was really special, I am getting tearful and emotional recalling it. I was very weepy most of the time - happy tears but it was all just so beautiful.... running out of superlative words..... I had lots of Chris moments.... Prague was a special place for us..... and it was the happiest week I can recall probably since that time when Jimmy was a baby.

So I was consciously happy in Prague, being with my family..... and being ....... happy!

Came back on Thursday - work on Friday - a couple of lovely insightful moments - walked with Giants in Liverpool yesterday alongside hundreds of thousands of people - that was also special - the energy in the city was ENORMOUS - happy positive energy - it felt huge and healing. Then today I took my Mum over to my sister Jenny's and had a lovely family lunch - connecting with my great niece Livy and loving being 61 to her 6 - great days.

I am just so happy!!!!!!!

Packed for Prague!

What a busy week! And tomorrow I meet my boys in Prague and now our family includes Rachel and Lara - Rachel's parents and one of her brothers are also there - so we will be a big family group and such an international family!

I feel deliciously excited tonight and so proud of my beautiful boys - Chris would have also have been proud of them - of us all - his family..... I don't wish he was here - because I won't wish he is still with us.... but I do feel quite emotional as I write this blogg - Chris never met Lara and Rachel and will never meet his first grandchild to be born in France early next year... but yes he would be really proud of us - his growing family!

So I sit in my flat with my bag packed and tears in my eyes - just 'being' with the happiness and also recognising the duality of grief that lives alongside it. It feels very precious......

Feels like a BIG day!

..... so many things going on in my life - but today has felt special. The biggest thing - but also so natural and ordinary - was driving Jimmy to Manchester airport this afternoon to catch a flight to Prague - a normal part of our lives..... but today felt it felt like a big step - because from today Jimmy will be with Rachel for ever - until death do them part..... for the next couple of years in the Czech Republic then who knows where - but from today together......

They are a very beautiful young couple - apart more than together for the three years since they met in Washington DC in July 2011 - and they are also just so together.... next week they will get married in Prague and in January they will have a big wedding in Liverpool - but all the time surrounded by so much love - individually and now together - special.

So that has felt pretty big today and then the world of my work is also feeling huge at the moment.....

So lots of stuff going on - off to Prague on Friday - all the Jenkins family - bufffffff - it just makes me smile!!!!!

Singing in the Wild - being in a place of Ceremony......

I got back home last night - and have spent the day returning to this world...... after nearly a week away.

I wrote to Jenny earlier today....

Am home - had an amazing time - a lot of Ceremony - everything can be Ceremony - and we had the space and time to go there - I think you would love Singing in the Wild - it is just so enormous - like all these things when you surrender to it all...... we were a small group a total of 10 in the wildness of the Pennant Valley..... resonating through song and dance with the valley and ourselves. We did deep and powerful work together. Today I am feeling completely blessed and just BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!

It was truly wonderful - we all used the word vulnerable a lot because that was we did - made ourselves vulnerable and open - collectively going to an amazing place of being as one but being our uniqueness...... difficult to describe this.....

But that was what we did!

Today I have been gentle with myself - taking things slowly - I will return to work tomorrow - but today I have been relishing the resonance of the totality - letting it gently come to rest within my body....... bufffffffff what an amazingly beautiful world we are blessed to live in!!!



  

Special afternoon with my Mum......

My Mum talks a lot about death to me - I don't think she has these conversations with anyone else... well she told me today that she didn't...  but we have them a lot - usually when there is just the two of us together or on the phone.

She has concerns about dying, not fear....... but concerns...... and we talk about these..... today we went deep and during the conversation I looked at my Mum and she was 'glowing' ..... she looked so beautiful it was a truly amazing moment... a bit later I took her photo... the tears still there in her eyes..... but her smile speaks for itself.

It is special to be so close to my Mum.

x

I am making plans for my life after leaving Liverpool and my Mum is my main concern. It's still a year or so in the future........  but today I told Mum that I plan to leave the UK..... but I don't think she will remember though, but I feel I need to start getting the idea in her head.

I suppose it is the combination of treasuring the time with my Mum - as it is so finite - and the depth of the conversation...... made today a very special afternoon.

I have had a very lazy weekend, spend much of yesterday in bed - a lot of it sleeping.... the last couple of weeks and the light nights of Copenhagen catching up on me..... combined with a very late Friday night with Gilly.... Bit more energetic today - ran in the park and visited Chris's tree, then went to see my Mum.

So busy couple of days at work then I go Singing in the Wild again..... great stuff!!!!!!!

Eating Jelly Beans in Copenhagen.....

.... it's well after 10 at night and it's like daytime... I flew in from Zagreb this afternoon - a bit delayed due to the most torrential rain in Croatia, had a coffee with Florian at the airport - on his way home to Liverpool (briefly) and then went to the Tivoli Gardens after checking into the hotel - I have been trying to remember going to the Tivoli when I was 13 - an unbelievable 48 years ago!!!!! I will ask my Mum when I see her next weekend but doubt she will remember.... neither do I actually... just a faint sort of a wisp of a memory....

I have been phoning my Mum whilst away - quite complicated as she is not in her own room because of the flood... and she has been upset by not having a working telephone in her temporary room.... the change has been difficult for her - makes me think of what a thin line she is actually living - it doesn't take much to really undermine her.

Didn't get to speak to her tonight, though I tried, but had a long chat yesterday.... the trouble is she just doesn't remember - and it is getting noticeably worse.

So tonight I am on my own... decided to have an early night as I have to be at the conference venue by 8 - and am not totally certain where it is etc - but I don't feel sleepy and found a bag of jelly beans - which I can't stop eating - so have added a sugar hit to the lightness - but I have set my alarm - so will go to sleep sometime and hopefully wake up in time!

Kerry gave me the jelly beans and I brought them intending to give them to Rob - but didn't - they are the ones that have all the different flavours - I know I will just eat them until I have finished the bag.... they are very addictive....

... so wide awake in Copenhagen..........

Blogging from Croatia...

....... sitting in Rob's beautiful garden as he drives Kerry to Zagreb, waiting for the washing machine to finish and then I'll take Tommy the dog for a walk by the river Drava. It is very sunny and peaceful with birds cheeping and the wind blowing in the trees. There is an occasional car passing on the road and the whirrrr of the washing machine..... this is where one of my three sons lives... how strange it might feel but how ordinarily lovely it does feel.....

Varazdin is a magic place to me - and yesterday as Kerry and I walked through the old town before Renata's wedding it felt 'magic' ..... I wrote on Facebook the other day - I don't believe in coincidences I live them.... and Varazdin is proof of that... I watched a webcam in 1999 and now my life is intrinsically entwined with this part of Croatia, personally and professionally!

Having been very peaceful - the bells are loudly ringing at the Church next door, the washing machine has gone into overdrive and the dog has started barking madly at another dog on the street.... life can change so very quickly!!!!

Yesterday was Renata and Edo's long awaited wedding day - two young people now living in America, also entwined in my life.....

....... and today Kerry left - the Australian connection so very strong after two weeks of being together...... again both personally and professionally..... wonderful weeks of learning and thinking and joy. We both cried as she left and it felt poignantly sad.... surprising both of us with our depth of feeling...

But now I think the washing machine has finished and I will take the dog for a walk - like you do when you are home - this time in Croatia.......

Off again in the morning....

... for nearly two weeks.....

....... been dancing tonight which was lovely - haven't been for three weeks - I love dancing!

Off again tomorrow - lots of meeting in five countries but in the middle we will stay at Rob's and go to Renata's wedding in Varazdin..... lovely!

..... feeling tired but very happy - today was a red letter day!

quiet night in.....

....... which is lovely - listening to Nicolas Nicolby on audiobook - just had my tea, enjoying the lightness of a lovely June evening in my flat.

I am missing talking to my Mum - she is back in Abbeyfield after the flood but in a different room and without her phone. I know she's doing well as I have talked to Jenny but I really do miss talking to her - as I usually do most evenings....

.....I am going to see her with Jimmy on Sunday so that will be good.

Naples was really good - being a tourist and then the work - amazing young people from a very tough environment - it felt very special to connect and talk deeply with them.... which was quite extraordinary as I don't speak Italian - but Michela translated superbly - and I suppose because I am so often talking to non English speakers that I am quite good in expressing myself in translatable English... sometimes I also seem to be able to understand conversations... which is wonderful.

Got rather bitten by bedbugs in the hotel - been trying not to scratch - but they are going down which is good..... rather a lot to do at work before off again next Tuesday..... feeling good - if a bit itchy!

Being a tourist!

This weekend I have been a tourist. This is the second time in Naples this year and I have always wanted to see Pompeii - so I came a day early - going to Pompeii and Herculaneum as well. They were fantastic - different from what I had thought - I had imagined images from a schoolgirls text book - but the reality was amazing - 2000 year old physical history. I love houses type history - and the thought of this was where real people lived until one day their entire city was destroyed was so thought provoking. 2000 years ago people lived in these streets, bought and sold from these shops - watched theatre, including gladiators fighting to the death,  listened to music, bathed in public baths and lived very human lives........

Now I am living a very human life in the 21st century, taking photos with an iphone, posting pictures for friends around the world to see... talking briefly to my sons in three different countries as they met  each other on a Skype call - planning a family week in Prague...... what an amazing life! Shortly Michela will arrive and we meet up with some people to finalise tomorrows children's event.... another amazing aspect of my current life!

I have been feeling very excited over the last few days.... Edinburgh really focused my thinking and I returned from the conference quite high on what I could begin to see about the future..... and today was a cherry on the top of the cake day!

.... A strange week....

It's Sunday morning - early - and I am in bed - my Mum is sleeping in the next door room - a little figure curled up in my spare bed....... Abbeyfield where she lives - her home - had a flood on Thursday. - the cold water tank burst and went through the house. I'm not certain of the details but it sounds like her room, and the one above, were badly damaged and she has had to move out for several days. She has been at my sister Ann's, now mine and tonight Jenny's after lunch at Fiona's - our mutually busy lives just about overlapping enough!

My Mum was good yesterday, beginning to enjoy the unexpected holiday, but she is also very upset about  the uncertainty and her memory constantly trying to recall facts and details, which seem to disappear so quickly from her mind.

Jim came round for tea - I will really miss him in Liverpool from July..... when he moves to Prague.... He has a wonderful calm energy and presence...... and having him living just around the corner has been a joy.

I have just spend a few rich days in the Netherlands, work plus testing out ideas for my future plans..... It is all feeling right and exciting but also I know it won't just come to me..... I now have to do the work!

So breakfast with my Mum and then pack and off to Edinburgh for the week..... Will be spending time with dear friends as well as working..... Lucky, lucky me!

A wave just hit me and knocked me over...................

I was walking to work just now and I was trying to recall something - actually it was the exact times of my sons births.... when I suddenly had this really clear thought 'I'll ask Chris - he will remember' 

................  and it was like a wave of huge grief just hit me.

Haven't felt this for quite a while....

I do go to grief - often when I dance - but the unexpected wave has shaken me. So am in my office trying to prepare for a days work and just feel like curling up and crying.....

BUT now I have expressed it - thank you blogg - I already feel better.

Strange though how something can come so out of the blue......

Busy, busy......

Home and happy! Came back from Brussels late last Wednesday and the days seem to have just flown by.....

Cologne and Brussels were really good, packed full of lovely people and lots to reflect on..... this is a very special time for SiS Catalyst...... three and a half years on - fast approaching our final few months....now is the time to pull together all the strands of learning......

........ and it all seems to be coming together - in beautiful waves of insight. Not yet all clearly articulated but it is a great feeling to be able to begin to see where it is all going..... and increasingly I can see beyond the end of the year and this also includes into the next stage of my own life!

I am also feeling quite tired - working hard during the days and then just wanting to do very little in the evenings..... but that's OK. But feeling very happy and my feeling of happiness has been reflected in the beautiful weather we have been having.... It does seem to be an exceptionally beautiful spring/summer.... full of contrasts in the weather - yet the richness of the colours and abundance of the trees and plants has been especially strong - all framed in the blueness of the sky and contrasting rich clouds...... just lovely!

So busy, tired and happy..... Life's good!

It's Saturday night and I'm in Cologne.....

..... and it's quite late but I am not sleepy....

..... I love the unexpected..... and that's what I have had..... an unexpectedly great couple of days.

I will be travelling to  Brussels tomorrow and have planned that for ages and then I realised that I should  be in Cologne for this conference - I love my life as I am not even certain at which point I  realised I should be here..... but I did ...... and then I am here!

But I feel very strongly that it is so right that I should have been here and feel I have learnt so much from being  here....

Today I think so many things have just  'fallen into place'.......which just feels wonderful as I was going through a real period of not being quite sure where I was going..... I know I have made decisions about next year - going part-time from January - finishing of my work at Liverpool and moving on..... but quite what I was going to be doing was not clear to me...... but now it is!!  Love it.......

The details aren't clear but they are not important - I know what I am...... and now know what I should be doing.......  and this is the most important thing......

The knowing what I am has come as a bit of a surprise.... but again not really - it feels like I have just looked in the mirror and seen myself..... I knew who I was.....  but when you are inside yourself you don't really know how you look like to other people..... and now I have looked in the mirror - and thought:  "Of course!!!! That's me.... that's what I look like, that's who I am!"

I was beginning to see this after I came back from Peru.... but these last couple of days have really given me a clear insight into what I am.... and as a consequence what I need to do.

OK - sounds a bit vague but now I know what I want/need to do I just have to let the Universe do the  rest!

So tomorrow I meet Jolanta after breakfast and we will talk and maybe visit the Cathedral of Cologne and later I will get the train to Brussels for a few days of meetings... doing what I do now..... but also following my intuition as to what I will be doing in a year or two!!!!!

Isn't life just so INTERESTING!!!!!!!!! As my Mum said to me the other day.

xxxx

Not sure what's happening.....

... has been a strange few days - I had a virus/food poisoning - not sure what - but 3/4 days of sickness - it has been a joy to feel physically good today - been dancing tonight followed by a meal of  fish and rice - being hungry makes food really appreciated..... having written that..... makes me think that I don't appreciate food as much as I should, ordinarily.


Things at work have had elements of sadness recently that I have yet to really understand and life has felt strangely uncertain and 'rocky'..... I thought for a while what word I wanted to use there ..... I was thinking about journeys - walking on a path, or in a boat on a river.... 'rocky' being the terrain....  ...rocky could just be a little lumpy bit on the path/river - or could be huge obstacles... I think I mean manageable rockiness.. something that made the journey a bit harder work - but not really massively difficult/or impossible. I suppose that when life is a bit 'rocky' - you just have to go with the flow a bit more - accepting you can only do what you can do - and just doing your best.....

Yes... the journey has been a bit harder last week, not certain why..... the previous weekend had been so wonderfully joyous.... but maybe that's the way things have to go?

My Mum is good... I have so loved her memories of her birthday weekend.... all the details completely blurry.... she remembers who was there - she is very clear on that - recalling them individually with her memories around them..... she also remembers the sunshine and a beautiful feeling of the Spring - the beautiful budding greenness of the trees and fields etc that we drove through, walked and picnicked in.... but the details are lost. She is aware of this - she told me yesterday - "I had such a wonderful weekend but I just can't remember any of the details of the days, what we did etc"... even with photos to remind her.... the detailed memories are gone.

I think it is really important that she remembers the totality - the fact that it was a really wonderfully, happy weekend - the details of what and when are not important to the memory of happiness.... Buff - the small things are crucial in what we do on a day to day basis but irrelevant for our memories?

Maybe that is true - doing/living with the importance of the details is hugely important - remembering the details is not important - I will have to reflect on that.............

Feeling full!!!!

It has been a very special few days, memorable...... and tonight I have felt quite emotional as I sorted out photos.....

It was my Mum's 94th Birthday and with Jimmy and Sophie we went to a cottage in Wales for a long weekend, with my cousin Lizzie and Andrew joined by Evie and Michael.... and it was extraordinary and special.

My Mum was just so happy!!

To be 94 and to be so full of energy and happiness is truly beautiful. She is usually pretty cheerful, unless she has her back pain... but her joy throughout the weekend was just precious......

I went dancing last night when I got home and danced through a huge wave of emotion.... I was surprised as it was unexpected after such a lovely weekend..... but on reflection it seemed very right.

My Mum is very old - 94 - she has had a rich and fulfilled life and is now living her life with gratitude and appreciation - which is lovely - she hasn't always been like this - but particularly since my Dad died - she has changed.

Last night when I danced I was very aware that I was dancing on the edge of duality where joy meets pain.... being so close to my Mum and feeling her happiness.... knowing it is so very precious because it is so consciously finite.

Life is....................

          ........... for living!

Lovely evening in Krakow!

... today I woke in Liverpool - this morning worked from home - emails, phone, Skype .... went 10 minutes down the road to Liverpool airport - easy on time flight - dozed - was picked up at Krakow airport - hotel - Jolanta arrives - beautiful deep dinner conversations - now back at hotel blogging.

We discussed the Universe - and how things just happen - but maybe only easily if you are open to them. Loved the learning that Jolanta shared with me - her version of the SiS Catalyst journey - special and magical.

Don't know how we record - capture - identify (world of work words) this learning - but am feeling increasingly close to finding a way........ I am Buzzing!!!!!!!!

Whirlwind world...........

It does seem to be a whirlwind that I (we) are living in - time is a very strange dimension - and sometimes I think whole days/weeks have flown by and sometimes the present moment seems perfectly endless.

Am at home - go to Krakow tomorrow - but not for long - it's been a very busy time since I came back from Peru/Germany......  the wonderful thing has been the clarity of thinking which has stayed with me..... This last week I have felt really happy and fulfilled and sure of things - though actually things have been increasingly less certain!

Not sure what this means - but it does feel like a time of great change.

Change - embracing change - recognising that it is happening and not resisting it - is increasingly what I am sure about.... but with all this change going on - to be sure of anything is amazing!!!!!

Lovely evening tonight - a Wedding Skype with Rachel and her Mum - Jim and I in Liverpool - they in Qatar - sorting out the important little things.... then a funny conversation with Alex arranging a visit in May, and just how a long chat with Pat...... the importance of family is about those who you love and share your life with, worry about, care for, sometimes argue with.... don't necessarily see that often - but one of the joys of technology is to be able to keep in touch with...... if you choose to.......

It is almost impossible to write a blogg without recognising and feeling gratitude for all the multitude of things I have in my life. I am just so blessed.

Feeling on the edge of being overwhelmed,

... tonight I got back from Berlin after a two day conference in Halle, Germany... which I arrived at straight from Peru - well via Panama and Amsterdam.... and tonight I have been putting photos on Facebook.... they only tell a fraction of the story .... I looked at these photos and also talked to a dear friend on the phone and I am just so full of amazement at my life.....

Not just being where I have been... but the learning ...... I can see my learning - am almost standing outside myself  as I watch myself learn..... and the people that I have been so blessed to have met - wonderful, amazing people... of all ages.

This  is currently my Fb profile picture and I just love it..... I am feeling so alive...... and so grateful....... buzzing!!!!

time......

...... yesterday I gave my notice in at work! In 9 months I go part-time and sometime before the end of 2015 I will leave the University of Liverpool - I started working for the University in 1984 - so basically most of my working life!

I had one partner for over 30 years and one employer for over 30 years - not sure what that makes me..... maybe a creature of habit! Not how I would usually describe myself!

I do have a wonderful job though...... and on reflection I know I have made my own world of work - looking back I have made things happen... people often ask me how I ended up doing what I do.... and I have a very easy answer which may well sound simplistic.... I followed my intuition... I did not plan a career - I did what my heart told me was the right thing to do......  which many times was not always the easiest thing to do.......

Sometimes things didn't go as I expected or wanted ..... and there have been times when I was very frustrated by that.... but for many years now I have gone with my heart and it all just sort of happened!

Difficult to explain - but I suppose at the core of what I have done in my working life has been to try and make a difference.... and to try and make as big a difference as possible. Social justice - trying my best to do the right thing for the world.... Sounds pretentious!!! 

I also know that I was pretty fearless..... not going for the secure option - going to a risky place.... being an entrepreneur.... and being able to do that....  following my passion..... and getting money - looking back over the years a lot of money - around 70% of the costs for a team of up to 22 people - that was a lot of money!

And now I start to prepare for the next stage of my life.................... how exciting!!!!!!

home.....

..... am at home arrived from Paris this morning with Rene - we had stayed a couple of days with Alex and Lara - with Vaughn.... we had a lovely time..... we had come straight from Ghent - that was a very good conference ..... our penultimate SiS Catalyst conference - good, hard work - but that's what it's all about!

I have been thinking a lot about the future - my life will be so different in a year - no conferences to arrange - no more work travelling - having said that I am sure that I will be doing both - working and travelling - but what and where - who knows!!!!

I feel I need to think about what I would like to do - maybe put some irons into the fire - but then to wait and see what the Universe has in store for me - I do feel increasingly excited about the unknown..... I also know that when something comes along - I must follow my heart... and to ensure that I listen to my heart..... the heart's voice can be quite soft and gentle...... So the most important thing for me is to ensure that I stay tuned in to the voice of my heart in order to hear what I should do....... Well it has worked beautifully up to now!

But tonight I go a dear friends birthday party - then see my Mum - Jimmy, Rene and Gilly for dinner - then a week at work then off again to Peru.

My heart feels happy! xxxx

home but off again!

....... got back from India on Monday - so lots of stuff still circulating around me - amazingly busy working  week - Jimmy and Vaughn for dinner on Tuesday, Steph arrived on Thursday - and we all go to Ghent in Belgium tomorrow morning - pick up at 5.45!

So crazy travelling life continues - wonderfully full - but what a world - feels right to be me - but pretty full on!

Being in India

... tonight I am  in Delhi with Jenny - today we visited the Taj Mahal - a couple of days ago we were at Kathan and Swati's wedding, last week we visited tribal communities and schools and stood on the salt desert of Raam with an astronomer friend of Abhay's and watched the moon rise, the sun set and heard the Indian legends of the stars.....

I am full tonight... full of so much.... so many special things .... the joy of being with my sister Jenny, meditating every morning and going deep together, being together.... tonight laughing so much at the noises around us..... at the moment the best gurgling toilet we have ever heard!

....Kathan and Swati's wedding and the privilege of being part of that... the amazing hospitality of Abhay and Shraddha.... flying with Kathan's grandparents.... that was special... everything being special... trying to appreciate every wonderful moment of this time.

India is India........ I had a text from a European friend who said 'I am trying to imagine but I am not sure I can.... ' I agree......  India is such a different place..... and is very difficult to describe...... duality but different  .... I think India makes you face - full on - the definition of everything.....

Similarities and differences...... this is the heart of everything - recognising our similarities (our humanity) and cherishing our differences (our individual journeys and their cultural contexts).

How blessed am I!!!!!!!!

Words are inadequate........

Flowing between worlds.....

Sometimes I am not certain what world I am living in........

I had a great conversation earlier today with someone who talked about living life by flowing between two worlds..... it resonated a lot with me.

One  of my current blessings is that I spend quite a bit of time on my own... something that earlier on in my life was my greatest fear - but now is a great place to be - and somewhere I often just want to be - on  my own. Not only to on my own but consciously being on my own - I think that this is the cross over point between the two worlds - the conscious awareness of being alone - and loving this! OK sounds bonkers - but feels like where I am.

..... it's not always easy to be here though - and I think that's the thing about living in two worlds. Anyway not complaining - how could I - living the life I do - with all the blessing I have?

So tonight I put my out of office on for two weeks plus a few days..... tomorrow I meet Jenny at Mum's house and we go off to the airport for our Qatar/India adventure.... the bit that amazes me is that that we are being hosted for the entire trip by friends/family - how did that happen?

I feel tonight that is the flow - if you go with it you - it is no surprise to have friends/family across the world - go with the flow........crazy but truly wonderful!

Packing to go to India..

Seems strange - definitely not  got my holiday head on yet...... know I have done most of the things I have to do workwise, before I go - but am unsettled yet about that.... knowing things that are not in my control, need now to occur - my one concern is that things will not happen because I will be away - decisions that come up and need to be made.... but on Wednesday I will write an email out of office and the next day fly to Qatar with Jenny..... so I have to do my best in the next three days to make sure all that I can do has been done......

The universe has arranged things very neatly in that I meet Rachel's parents for the first time in Qatar - when I saw that our flights to India stopped in Doha - it occurred to me that it would be an opportunity to see Rachel and to meet her parents - and now we will be discussing weddings!

Then off to India for Kathan and Swati's wedding, plus all sorts of other adventures arranged by Abhay, Kathan's father, meeting David and Nalani from Hawaii in Delhi and hopefully Hector in Ahmadabad if we are both there at the same time.....wow!!!!!! How extraordinary and how amazingly blessed am I?

OK will continue my packing now, clean the flat and continue this blogg later after I have been to visit my Mum and met Jose the Spanish Intern at the airport.

OK - so am now home - Mum was not good when I arrived - she has been unwell over the last few days, she looked pale and worn and was sad - but she was getting better and we had a lovely afternoon, we talked about life and death, I gave my Mum a sound healing session - it is fantastic to see how they relax her - anyway she was much happier when I left, which felt special.

Mum's ailment is linked to her digestion and what felt very reassuring to me, was that she could track it right back to her childhood - she had felt her age yesterday as she was unwell, and was thinking that at 93, that any illness means her time has come...... to recognise that she had this problem all her life made us both happy!

She is also grieving for Ellen - in her own way - referring many times as to how Ellen had been 20 years younger when she died recently...... grief is always very personal......

So back to packing for India... reflecting and wondering at the turns and twists of an individual life's journey..... I have been think about this much recently - especially when talking to my Mum today - she and I talked beautifully deeply and it felt special to me - and I think my Mum - that we could talk about our soul's purpose .... of learning from this our own unique journey.

Special, special, special...........

buzzing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...........and am feeling great - though also feeling pretty buzzed out tonight!

Italy last week, my birthday weekend followed by three days of intensive work - lots of visitors - all welcome and all special -  lots and lots and lots of thinking, talking, reflecting, recognising change ...... and all that goes along with this - and also along with that the recognition of what we must now do.......... the work!

Responsibility is my word of the moment - and what a word....... a word that is easy to say but so difficult (sometimes) to put into practice........ but actually what it's all about - it's what we have to do..... knowing is easy (haha!) but doing with knowledge is such a different thing.... putting our money where our mouth is..... living it - not just speaking it..... doing what we now have to do - taking personal responsibility  - but not taking responsibility personally -  doing it, living  it... being it - and maybe taking time to recognise that we are part of the change, maybe triggering the change.... embracing the change..... being the change!

I started by saying I was buzzing - and I think the last paragraph proved that!

So today started early after hosting a small but wonderful dinner last night - the final event of three days of... work - my work, crazy wonderful amazing work.......  and this morning the discussions moved into the next stage of planning - after times when I have felt that I just couldn't see a way forward  (that was Monday!)

Yesterday was hard and unexpectedly wonderful - I was hosting an event and was anticipating it with pleasure... but the details of the right people turning up, in the right room and it being what they wanted and needed ..... with the words and discussion being meaningful, inspirational and life changing as well as the  coffee and the lunch being there etc etc  (thanks Natalie!) ... and feeling responsible - but knowing that I could only be responsible for the ingredients - the cake is always made by the ingredients, the right mixing, the temperature of the oven etc etc.

...... and it happened... I felt it went really, really well..... but you can never actually know what other people felt, or thought, or gained (or lost) from it.... but felt strongly that it moved my thinking forward - my learning - wonderful!

Tonight I feel tired - had a lovely evening with Jimmy - Rachel went back to Qatar on Monday... discussed weddings and ate well, had a great conversation with my Mum and were happy..... now I think it is time for an early night!

Buzzing bloggggg!!!!!

time to be off again....

..... so tomorrow I'm off to Italy - followed in very quick succession to all sorts of places... feels very right in a strange sort of way. I have been unwell over the last few weeks and a bit lacking in energy, and though I have been very happy to be home - I have also felt strangely restless to be off again - itchy feet!

Meetings in Italy - who would have thought that I would have meetings to go to in Italy? Mind who would have thought that one of my sons would live in France, one in Croatia and one in Liverpool with an American girlfriend living in Qatar applying for jobs in countries other than the UK because of visas - Wow!

Looks like we have become a family of itchy feet - or maybe a family that has followed our feet.......

Change is coming - change is all around us.... and that is not an easy place for any of us to be.... but it is where we are - so as I get ready to be off again - I am going to focus on where I am.... now  ...... though knowing tomorrow it will be somewhere completely different.... the winds of change are here.

As a Chinese proverb says - as told to me today by a friend - when the winds of change blow - people either build walls or windmills - and my reaction was - I build windmills - and this is exactly what I have to do.......... so off tomorrow to build windmills in Italy - how blessed  am I?

2014 has started....

... and it feels good! Still full of cold and have now got a horrible cough but it feels OK - the cough is probably a legacy of the flu. Today I went to work - which was a bit of a shock to the system after a lovely couple of weeks with family and friends - doing very little but being with them and enjoying their company and eating lovely food - very seasonal. We went to Hereford in a huge rambling old house, with big wooden beams built in the 1600s. Special -  lots of family including my boys and my Mum - it was just perfect.

I welcomed in the New Year by having a lovely evening with a couple of friends - we welcomed in  2014 with a Sound Journey, Wishes, heartful conversations, food made with love and dancing - it was lovely gentle way into 2014.

Yesterday I woke to the phone ringing and it was my sister Jenny telling me that my cousin Ellen had had a brain hemorrhage - she was still alive but very poorly. Still waiting to hear if there has been any developments...... she is only early 70s - the oldest of my cousins - but was very fit, walked a lot, slim build, healthy diet - the last person I would have thought of.

It's one of those things that you can't do anything about but wait.... keeps re-appearing in the mind..... My Mum was told but she has forgotten - well I have talked to her twice and she hasn't mentioned it - I am glad - she doesn't want to know - so she just blocks it out. She was noticeably frailer this holiday  - she also has a sadness which is new - well it's been coming on for a few weeks now...... Having said that she had a great holiday - loved it - loved the family all around, eating everything, joining in as much as she could, she even had a couple of glasses of wine one night and got very argumentative  about Hitler - Jimmy and Rachel made a very good audience - but you can't argue with someone who says - I know I am right because I was there!

So 2014 has started - with all of the fraility of life and all of the joy - from  new babies to sadness......

What an amazing world we live in - every precious second of it.

Goodbye 2013 and welcome 2014..........