losing fear....

... fear is something I've been thinking about a lot recently and how it is such a huge negative emotion that stops so much from happening.

I'm in my bed on a glorious sunny Saturday morning - the sun streaming through my wide open window - OK I do have the coldest bedroom - it's official! Having breakfast in bed with all my favourite things, freshly juiced fruit with home made yogurt - my own Indian Lassy! Some beautiful bread that Rob had bought for me - not certain about the pickled eggs though Rob! and an avocado pear - the joy of being on your own that you can eat what you like, when you like and how you like!!!

Listening to my ipod music - which has just started to play Percy Sledge's 'When a man love a woman' - wow always one of my all time favourites - unconditional love - wow - love it!!

Enjoying my own company and thinking about fear - and unconditional love - strong link there.

Last night I returned from London after a few days. I spoke at two conferences and both times I reflected on fear - I hadn't realised this until I was sent a press release yesterday evening - which focused on that part of my presentation. I then realised that I had also reflected a lot on fear during the questions of my second presentation. That was a very international audience and was a wonderful session - I learnt so much from doing it. We talked of fear of ourselves, fear of others and the fear of the unknown.

Fear cripples, destroys and stops us living life to the full but fear is something that we learn.

I sat on the bus in London yesterday laughing with a baby girl in a buggy, her lack of fear and joy of life - made me laugh with her then and the memory makes my heart warm now... the joy of a child's laugh.

We teach our children fear.....

Whilst I was in London I also spent time with two lovely people. Part of my new world of friends - Spirithorse friends. With both of them I reflected on unconditional love - and how you can only give it when you can receive it.

I have been so blessed in my life to have been so loved - and to be so loved - but perhaps this is because I have been able to give love - bit a catch 22 here. It is also so closely linked to fear - if you're fearful you can't give love or receive it.

So the title of this blogg should be ....losing fear..... and finding love!!

Well Percy Sledge has been on continuous loop for the duration of this blogg - time now to change the tune and eat my breakfast. Wow life is such a joy - great stuff this unconditional love!!!!

Emotional roller coasters.....

...are extreme.

I'm in London today for two conferences staying at Ildi's - we went deep last night as we reflected on India and where we are now.

Not certain if emotional roller coaster is the right way of describing it - because it's not actually my emotions that are in turmoil. It feels like all of me - physical, mental, spiritual and emotional - the whole lot is twisting and turning, trying its best to make sense!

Maybe that's the problem - 'trying to make sense' of it all!

I'm not unhappy - quite the reverse - I am very happy, always happy. It's - I'm not certain what - I do have a strong sense of urgency - but again am not certain quite what I have this urgency to do!


If only life was as simple as sitting in bliss with an elephant.... but hey may be it is!!!!!!!!!

Being open to grief

.. is so painful - and looking at yesterday's blogg - is good because the duality of pain/bliss is a hard line to walk.

Upset myself and my sons last night - they don't like me being emotional and upset - but I talked at length to Rob which was great and then my Mum phoned and we talked and that was important - and then I talked to a dear friend for a long time - so out of the upset came really good things......it was still painful though.

Witnessing Eileen's grief brought my pain to the surface. It's almost impossible to live with that pain... and that's where she is at - one day at a time - one minute at a time......

So we find a way to live with the pain... but it still there - a massive tsunami of grief that we all keep locked in our hearts.

But the duality of pain is bliss....... the joy of being alive....the joy of every breath we take......

Buff!!! I feel very raw and lonely today - struggling to see the bliss - but I will find it - in the song of a bird, in the beautiful colours and shapes of clouds and in the smile of a child - because that's where to look!!!

Reflecting on grief...

Woke up in the early hours of the morning - nothing unusal there then! - reflecting on grief.

Yesterday I spent time with a woman who was at the darkest point of her entire life - witnessing the rawness and depth of her pain - and talking about what it felt like to be there. Being open to my own pain through doing that.

Made me understand how my journey has been so enriched by that pain. It is only because I have felt that pain and been open to it - that I can also feel the bliss.

This duality of pain/bliss is at the very core to everything that I am.

The Buff!!! factor continues.....

The roller coaster of my life continues apace - lots of Buffs!!! this week as things have hit me - lots of moments when I felt magnificent and lots when I felt quite lonely.

The death of a man of my childhood Ewart Dawson, has made me think a lot about the past - funnily enough building on long conversations that Gilly and I had last Sunday - doing what we like doing best - eating Gilly tailored food and drinking wine!

We were talking about how the past is seen from the present - and she said that how an event in the past is seen so differently by people who were both there at the same thing!

I've thought about this a lot this week and how people's experiences of the same time are so very different - depending on who they are at that time - where they are in their lives - how they feel - what has happened to them in the recent past - so many, many small factors as well as big things - which make up who we are at any moment experiencing that specific day - and so although two people may have been at the same 'event' their experience of it is totally differently - this is then compounded by how they remember it in the future and the 'story' that they and others build around it.

This also resonated with conversations I had when in India about how your understanding of where you are now - changes how you see and reflect on the past. So your childhood is not seen through the eyes of the child as that child no longer exist. We see our past from the present through layers of past experiences and stories and - and it's a big AND - and we can choose to change how we see the past.

So with these two streams running through me - I thought about the presence of a man in my childhood - and I enjoyed these reflections - and today I will go and talk to his widow which is making me very happy - which seems very right.

Laughing in Vienna

I live an amazing life!

I'm home after a wonderfully leisurely day in Vienna - a long walk through a large park, full of trees just starting to bud - brunch with Karoline, Chris, Cyril and his two delightful little daughters - followed by a mooch around places I would never have found as a visitor to the city. Then a quick bus to Bratislava, straight on a plane and back home - to a warm house! - managed to leave the heating on constant - it was the first time I've come home to a warm house for ages! - and flowers from my lovely Rob.

I love working with the EUCU.net family - we just go places in our thinking - we toss and twirl ideas around - they called me an 'idea vacuum cleaner' at some point today - and it is sort of true - together we are very creative in our thinking - direct questioning, deep reflection - circling around ideas until we get close - when one of us will pounce on it and drag it up - give it a twirl around and the others will give it a good hard look - enjoying it's strengths or relishing its non-sense!!

Last night I was eating wonderful fish in an apartment in Vienna, four of us - great food and wine - talking deep - laughing loads - being very alive. Last Saturday I was at the Moulin Rouge Ball, dancing, twirling, whirling - relishing dressing up, being with beautiful people who love, recognise and cherish the joy of life - and just having so much fun!!!!!!!!!!! In between I was at work with that group of extra-ordinary people - they were also buzzing - I just love the electricity of watching ideas bounce between us - snowballing and taking shape - wow!!! I also talked in depth with friends and Rob cooked me and Jim one of his amazing dinners on Wednesday - so a jam packed week - and in many ways - just my life!!

So this is my amazing life!!!! I am just so so grateful - how blessed am I!!!!!!!!

Search the Darkness

Sit with your friends, don't go back to sleep.
Don't sink like a fish to the bottom of the sea.

Surge like an ocean,
don't scatter yourself like a storm.

Life's waters flow from darkness.
Search the darkness, don't run from it.

Night travellers are full of light, and
you are too: don't leave this companionship.

Be a wakeful candle in a golden dish, don't slip into the dirt like quicksilver.
The moon appears for night travellers, be watchful when the moon is full.

Rumi

Dancing in the new me...

Last night I went dancing - my third time since India - and worked out what was so different - I realised that I couldn't dance Staccato!

The 5 Rhythms form a wave and you start with Flowing - dancing with your feet, continuous movements, grounding yourself - with Staccato - the beat becomes stronger and the movements become much more angular - bish, bash bosh - taking you to the release of Chaos, extended then through Lyrical and finding itself with your breath in Stillness.

I talked about it at the end - saying 'That's weird I couldn't dance Staccato' - Alex the teacher - said, 'Trish, what's surprising about that - you've just been Flowing in India and you've had so much Staccato in your life - maybe the time is right for it just not to be there!'

And she is so right - I have been in Staccato all my adult life - doing, organising, sorting - bish, bash boshing - all my life!!!

There I was in India - for the first time in my adult life - NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was just so wonderful!!- I could and did play with the children at the back of the bus, abandoning myself to the pleasure of just playing, doing what I wanted to, I didn't even have any money for a bit as the bank stopped my card - I just went with the flow and it was wonderfully wonderful!!!!!!!!

Last June - I talked about being una mujer sin obligacion - and was beginning to see what this meant and how it would be - but now I am much closer to really recognising what this means - I am a different woman seamlessly moving between flowing and chaos - sounds about right!!

Staccato will come back - but it will be a different Staccato.

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... post India....

Been back two weeks - which actually is not really a long time - still getting mood swings - lows and highs - keep looking at photos - and think and talk about India a lot......

Am beginning to recognise changes in myself - but not certain if these are India - or just changes which were on their way anyhow! I look back over the last three and half years and see how much I have changed - when I was India I talked about changing my name - and would like to do so actually - in order to identify with this new person I'm becoming..... but it's not so easy to change your name - but I know my new name and think it suits me!!

I'm really tired tonight as it was the Spirithorse Ball last night - Moulin Rouge theme - we had a BALL!!!!!! I love the Spirithorse joy and love of dressing up - the pleasure in recognising the beauty of ourselves - they - we - just love to give ourselves to the enjoyment of the present - the attention to detail - the love and pleasure given and taken - and we just had a fantastic time!!!

So tonight - back in my big cold house - on my own after time immersed with others - recognising and enjoying both... and putting it on my blogg!!

I think I will tell my blogg my new name - as I have started to tell people - I will keep my old name for work and for most people - but I will also be known as Alegra - wow now there's a big step - been quite a weekend!!!!