crazinesssssssssssssssss!!!

.......................and it does feel pretty crazy to be me at the moment. I veer between two people, one of whom is being herself and doing OK, being sensible and surviving in this world - the other one is really quite wild.. goodness knows where she is ........... truly bonkers!!!!

It's not what I'm doing.... though that is pretty unpredictable.. but more about who I am ... I suppose this is at the core of this .........the who am I? The EI Question - tell me who you are?

So what does this mean to live with every day... well a bit of a double life... but I know I am not alone with this feeling of being in two worlds... talking, Fbin, seeing ... life is not straightforward... and you know what ..... if we knew the meaning of life... it would all be so simple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fast time..........

It's unexpectedly Friday - two strike days, a lot of pressurised work in between buying a fancy new car..... then driving it around a bit!!! My week has just flown by. It seems really weird to be Friday - cos it only feels like Tuesday!!

Am at home and have been reading some bloggs and watching YouTube etc from/about Japan - feeling very inspired by their courage, dignity and humanity... extraordinary....

Reflecting on the wonderfulness of humanity.... we take it for granted because it is us.... we are humanity... yet we are so very quick to judge, criticise and not recognise our wonderfulness, strength and sheer ability TO BE .... to love... to create.... to cherish... to make music... to love despite.... to be truthful... and to be HAPPY!

We have such a strong tendency to see only the negative aspects of ourselves - both as individuals and as a society.. and to overlook the day to day specialness of the wonderful small things we do for each other... from a smile to a lifetime's sacrifice.... we really do give... we really do love... but you know what - we don't recognise it... we just judge ourselves ... and we should really just love ourselves... just a little bit more xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

truly wonderfully bonkers!!!

........and enjoying every moment of it!!

Today I was on strike - because it was the right thing to do - I didn't go on the picket line... but I didn't work either - however I did do something pretty crazy instead - test drove five of the poshest, fanciest cars that I have ever seen!!! Now where did that come from?

I have never been into cars - enjoyed their functionality and crucially their empowering mobility for Chris, but cars in my life have been a way of transporting boys, dogs, stuff - getting from A-B - they were also a lifeline for my lovely man - so we had several cars but all bought with a view to his mobility - for Chris really... and the boys ... and the practicalities of our life.

So I know I have never been 'into cars' - not able to tell one from another - not understanding their status....... only really aware of their practicality rather than anything else - ask Gilly!! I have just never really thought about cars - but today after my various test drives - I bought a white BMW convertible - Sports version - a swanky posh car - wonderfully bonkers - and decidedly out of character - 2 of my sons think it is hysterical - 3rd one has yet to comment - and wow - what I am doing here - being wonderfully bonkers!!!!

So on Thursday - another strike day - I collect my fancy convertible car - and have no idea where the next bonkers idea will take me............. what a ride!!!

Full moon and feelings of change..............

It's Sunday evening after a very lovely weekend.... Friday - Gilly and I drank too much wine in Esteban's and celebrated her booking her flights to Australia, a powerful emotional night where we talked deeply and wonderfully... so a good start to the weekend.

Saturday I cooked lunch for my parents - and Jimmy and I went over and treasured our time with them - and did some gardening... my Mum is in good spirits and my Dad is just so special, life is getting harder and harder but he just puts so much effort into living.... wow he is truly inspirational. We also planned Jimmy's 21st Birthday party - afternoon - Saturday 21st May at my Mum's and Dad's - let me know if you'd like to come.

Then last night I went round to Fionnula's to sit in her garden in the light of the hugest fullest moon I'll ever see.... and today - even though it wasn't visible, it was even bigger.... and I have certainly felt that there is change or lunar/lunacy in the air this weekend!

Today I went shopping with Becki - what a joy to see her flourishing... talked to Rob who was looking at a flat in Varazdin and then looked at cars... which against all my natural instincts was good fun!

So it's Sunday evening... I'm tired ... don't know why but I have been sleeping badly for a couple of weeks now ... waking up at 2/3/4 and then struggling to get back to sleep. I am feeling tired in my physical body.. but also feeling I'm living on such a roller-coaster, big peaks and troughs, huge changes swirling and whirling around me and everyone, everything, global changes... wonderful and exciting changes!!!!

So tonight reflecting on being at this point of change.... very conscious that I'm increasingly open to changes, so maybe am seeing/feeling more than previously.. but also do feel that the world is in a real process of change... so happy and a bit tired but also aware of how blessed I am....... to be here, alive and part of the changes!!

big stuff going on......

Back home - after potentially a 4 country meal day: France - breakfast, Belgium - lunch, Netherlands - dinner, UK - supper. Didn't quite work out because there wasn't a lunch at my meeting in Brussels, and I ended up not being hungry in Amsterdam - but I don't think I've ever had a 4 country meal day potential!!!

Back home, feels good... though weary.......... but also more than that... conscious of the fear that is coming out from around the world ... sitting in Schiphol airport watching unfolding news about Japan... talked and reflected on this now back home.... reality, life and death makes all the nonsense hassle of the day to day so remarkably unimportant... however the small things, details of life are fundamentally important...... we do what we must do....... yes .. not easy .. but we do what we must do..............

Blogging from Paris

It's Monday morning and I have been here in Paris since Thursday evening. We had a really good but hard meeting on Friday of the Core Team of SiS Calalyst. The amount of work is potentially overwhelming, I'm seeing this very strongly in my team in Liverpool, and to a lesser degree with my partners. I don't currently feel overwhelmed by it all, but I am beginning to recognize what a huge task I have set myself and others around me.

Then having got to that stage on Friday, I spent Saturday with a slightly different set of people, pulling together, as Coordinator, another big bid for submission by the end of the month. I wrote in an e-mail recently, I must be mad to being doing this, and there were some points when this felt very true. However, after a day of nearly switching off, mooching round flea markets in Paris with Stephanie, it all feels just about manageable!

Sometimes it is very strange to be me. How I see myself, and how others see me, or more precisely, how I see - others see me, seems to be completely different. More generally, I suppose this is true for everybody - that the person who we are to ourselves, within ourselves, is just not what other people see. Yes, we live in a world of mirrors but the reflections are interpretations, made by ourselves, not a true representation of what we are.

So today I have a morning, to write/dictate up the last three days, then this afternoon I'm off for lunch, to meet some people here in Paris and see their project - which is very exciting. Tomorrow I go to Brussels for a meeting of people like me - Coordinator of big EU projects, I am fascinated to see what they look like, I have a feeling they won't look like me. Then from Brussels to go to Amsterdam then home.

The me, the inside of me - does 2 things when I look at what I’ve just written – one part of me looks at this woman travelling around the world and sees an experienced older woman, doing what she thinks is good work - the other me looks at this woman through the eyes of a child and sees a little girl laughing and dancing with the colours of the rainbow that she sees reflected on the world that she is lucky enough to live in.

Wow – but goodness knows what anyone else sees!!!!!

back again...................

So another layer of the onion skin removed, going deeper again... back home and still reeling - mind I've only been home half an hour.... the joy of this house is I'm home and sorted in less than 30 minutes - washing on, bottle in bed and tea brewed - and that's from the airport!

So 4 days dancing, wonderfully deep, heart wrenching exquisite dancing, soul exposing, truthful and beautiful dancing, open and vulnerable dancing and how more truthful can we be type of dancing................

So not the easiest kind of dancing...... not jumping for joy and having a laugh dancing, but all the more special for being what it was... hard... but that's good too.

OK just thought about this - I have the busiest hardest week of my working life and for a break I go dancing to 'The Edge and Beyond' which was what we did............ I could have had a rest!!! But you know what I'm glad I didn't.. I'm glad I continued to push myself.. both physically and spiritually and it was amazing... danger of superlative overload here... but it was just that amazing.....

I am now home, after a wonderful chance meeting with someone I used to know on the plane - a flight of wonderful conversation, followed by a meeting of minds with my taxi driver... so a long day which started on an Andalusian mountain top , waking up early and meditating with the beauty of the place.. we then ate - simply abundant food - ceremonially - and danced between Medicine Circles to complete the work of the previous days and to conclude the work of our time together.

What does this mean? Well I'm blessed - but anyone who's read the tiniest bit of this blogg know that!! I'm physically very tired.... but still feel really full of energy tonight... I also am feeling vulnerable... felt very lost in Malaga airport tonight - big place.. lots of people... very alien - but I know that's where the dance took me - to vulnerability - also know that's it's very brave to be public about this - strong people aren't supposed to be vulnerable - but of course we are - and the more we recognise this the stronger we become.

So proud of myself, knackered and a bit wobbly!!! Says it all xxxxxx

going dancing.......................

........... leaving tomorrow morning early for Malaga then up to the mountains for 4 days of dancing - to the Edge and Beyond..... just what I need. It's been a hard few months and I'm ready to dance - the teacher is 5 Rhythms/Shamanic so I know it wont be easy but it will be ...... going to the Edge and Beyond....... getting excited!!!!

Can't stop blogging..........

The turmoil in my life is growing..... know so clearly that I am not on my own - all of us are going through this turmoil.. some more conscious of it than others.. the difference feels a spectrum between fearing/not accepting and embracing change... ..transformational change .

Struggling to find the words as this is such a strong feeling/longing.. reality being the day to day.... but the joy of this is that I now work/exist amongst those who understand.. am aware that this also means that I 'operate' with those who must think I am completely bonkers!!!