uncertainty............

am debating what to do.... which is interesting - I am increasingly living with such a strong feeling of certainty it is quite unusual to feel quite so uncertain! Wow - re-reading that - !!!! I know I live with certainty but seeing it in black and white is something else. Yes I do live with a very strong sense of certainty - it is very beautiful - I usually make decisions very quickly and feel very 'right' about them - that doesn't mean I always do the right/best thing - it means that I go with what feels 'right' at the time and then accept the consequences of my decisions - as 'what was meant to be!'

So I am living with a decision - probably quite a small one - but no decision is small as they all have consequence - my decision is whether to go to Spirithorse this weekend for an EI - and I now realise that I am trying to find reasons why not to go - which is weird because I was really looking forward to going - and part of me still does want to go - but there is also a part of me which really doesn't want to go - for some reason - as yet to defined.

Well blogg - I think I have made a decision - not certain why - but if I can write it so clearly that I don't want to go - then that is a feeling of certainty..... yet I hesitate - wow - there is a lot of uncertainty here!

OK - I think I am still tired from travelling - or more likely not sleeping whilst travelling - so maybe I should just accept this - sleep on my decision- I'm even hesitating to publish this blogg - I seem to have become a completely indecisive person - so if I am honest - which I try to be with my blogg - I should accept that I am going through a period of indecision - Ok and that's linked to feeling vulnerable and a bit lonely - but that's Ok too.

Proud and in Barcelona!

Today my son Alex had his viva for his PhD - and passed! Am so proud of him - am in Barcelona - which seems very apt - and poignant as I was here with Chris for New Year in 2005 when I got my MBE - both weird things really - meaningful yet also meaningless!

Buff - does question why we do what we do - day in - day out - the energy we put into our life works - wonderful, creative energy - and what we focus it on - I talked to Alex the weekend before last and he talked with passion about his love of the detail of solving 'bits' the day to day of physics experimenting - tiny bits of knowledge bulding on other tiny bits of knowledge - but he also has a BIG question that he contextualises his bits of knowledge within - his luck is to have a framework - physics ***** to focus in on.

Am at an amazing conference which is blowing my mind - and the tiny picture in the context of the big picture - and beyond - is where I am right now. Had such a powerful clarity of thinking this afternoon - will take quite a while to come down from! However the thinking is only a part of it - the 'feeling' of it is actually more powerful - buff this is also a roller-coaster - highs and lows - I always feel pain when in America - but the grief I grieved yesterday morning in Washington was immense - it was nearly over-whelming.

OK - so am in Barcelona - at a very stimulating conference, am also a proud mother of a Doctor and am living my life wonderfully - if rawly - maybe you have to feel grief to really appreciate joy.

Washington

Am staying at Brenda and Dan's in Washington and it is lovely, I have known them for probably about 12 years and there is something special about catching up with old friends. I haven't seen Brenda since her move to DC and we have both had loads to catch up on, so it has been a lovely couple of days, talking families and children etc etc. Brenda has gone to get her hair cut and Dan is preparing yet another feast and I'm checking in online for tomorrow's flights. So thought I'd have a quick blogg!

I also really enjoyed Arizona, both work and the place, and had a very good few days there. It was a very small seminar about 25 or so people, and a real opportunity to reflect and to think deeply. I loved it. We also got the opportunity to go out to the desert and I loved that too, big big skies.... and lots of cactuses.... the weather was also perfect, very dry but really sunny.. beautiful.

Things to do tomorrow then fly to Barcelona for another conference... strange where life takes you... and how blessed am I.

Strangely restless...........

I suppose it's because I'm travelling tomorrow - Tuscon, Arizona, then Washington DC and then Barcelona.... all good stuff and I will see some lovely old friends and I am sure to meet many wonderful new people - how lucky am I - and it's my job!!!

But tonight I feel unsettled and twitchy.... I love to travel, and to be in other places, I suppose I'm not certain at the moment where I want to be... but that's good too!!! I love my little flat - yesterday I had my Mum and Dad and two of my beautiful sons for Sunday dinner, and we were joined later by my sisters Ann and Fiona and little Aidan, so a perfect day....

Today work was busy, but that's good and tonight I went dancing which is always good... so not certain where the restlessness is coming from. Probably just getting ready to travel... it will be a long day tomorrow - it will be a long night tonight if I don't watch it as I haven't packed and got myself sorted, or eaten properly, or had a bath and it's nearly 11! Oh well I shall sleep on various planes tomorrow!

I have had a few amazing weeks, correction a few amazing months, no we are getting on to years - well an amazing lifetime... might not know what I'm doing but I do know I am extraordinarily blessed..... but that makes me feel restless, to be so fortunate is amazing...bufff I can't seem to write a blogg without going bufff - I am just so blessed.. suppose I shouldn't fight it... just accept how lucky I am .. and do my best to live my life accordingly.... so tonight I do seem to be in a pretty strange place... but not for long - that's me!!!

Away and back again...................

................and this time it's almost impossible to say where I've been.......

Ok physically to Bristol, Stroud, Devon and Dorset with lots of wonderful times, like swinging on the most perfect rope swing in the world hanging from the branch of a huge beech tree - over a very steep slope in the heart of a wooded valley. Being a child again, in the company of children, dangling upside down - being pushed in huge circles, rolling in golden, orange and red leaves, laughing with perfect joy.

Then a weekend of Ceremony, beautiful red rocked bay, enormity of what we did - jumping up and living again.

Then getting very drunk at the house of dear friends - abusing their hospitality.

So lots of extremes here.

Bufff - my life is one hell of a wonderful roller coaster!

Feeling very alive which is wonderful. Have also a very strong sense of not knowing - not knowing what next.... I could have never have seen myself being where I am now, and where I have been over the last few days, even a few months ago, but it feels very natural and evolutionary - it feels like just being... and amazing.. apart from last night which was actually also amazing because I don't usually behave like that.

So back home, feel my lovely little flat is really home, whilst I was away I bought a beautiful wall hanging which I'm just deciding where to put - women dancing - the bond is strong! Dancing through my life, with wonderful people, feeling at home with life as well as my flat!!