Beautiful poignancy

I am at home after a week away with my three boys, my Mum, my sister Ann and her two children and a friend of theirs..... and the words that come to my mind are 'beautifully poignant'. Not certain why I chose this title for the blogg.....

There were 9 of us - my own and my sister's children - grown up but as yet to have children of their own - so we had hired a big cottage in Yorkshire and we were there together as family - the focus of which was my Mum. She was amazing - fantastically amazing, loving the presence of so many young people, all doting on her - her every wish a command. Much good humour, laughter, excellent food, fellowship and joy - but it was all very, very beautifully poignant....... on occasions painfully poignant.... My Mother's fortitude, playfulness and happiness was genuine and special - her constant recognition and understanding of how blessed she has been all her life, always very close to the surface.... but my Father's absence was very present and many times painfully so.....

I cry as I write this - and I didn't cry when I was away, but I think it is important to do so tonight - to recognise my own grief, my own loss of my beautiful Dad - a man I have spent practically every Christmas with for my whole life - I can think of 4 that weren't with my Mum and Dad - but that's all.... so a lifetime of Christmas's together - my parents having had 65 Christmas's together until this one..... wow!!!

I'm glad I've done this blogg as I couldn't understand why such a happy time should have also been so 'beautifully poignant' but now I have seen what I have written I understand why I feel like this....

So I am cherishing the specialness of our time away together, and recognising that my grief for my Dad is still quite raw - and that my Mother is truly inspirational - and what a wonderful family I am so lucky to be a part of.........

... and stopping off in Stacksteads and spending time with such dear friends on the way home - was icing on a special Christmas cake!!!

Maybe.......

....... the 'golden child' within myself just recognises the 'golden child' within my mother.......

Snuggled in on the sofa.....

..... gentle music playing - my little flat cosy and warm, a beautiful day - making a lovely lunch for my Mum, Jimmy, sister Jenny and Ali, (fish pie) followed by a short walk in the park - showing Ali Chris's beech tree, clear blue skies above the world, my Mum walking with Jenny - lovely, lovely lovely......... they've now gone home and I'm snuggled up on the sofa - feeling very loved and at peace with the world... I am just so blessed and so grateful for my wonderful life.

I talked about my Mum's amazing resilience to Ali earlier in the park, that was nice spending time talking to him - there is usually such a crowd that we don't really get to talk one to one, anyway we talked about Mum - and how she is such a 'golden child' -  she has gone through her life - doing good things - but also being very 'selfish' - all four of her daughters have had tragedies and sorrows and she was there for all of us, but she herself has had a truly 'lucky' life - and in many ways she was also protected from our hurt - she loved us all but I don't think she actually understood our pain - and why should she? It was our grief - she recognised it but I am not certain how far she was able to empathise with it.  That sounds harsh but I don't mean it to be - my Mum is an amazing woman, she has lived a good life - and she is now coping with the loss of her husband of 66 years  and her home - fantastically well - but reflecting about my Mum through my childhood and womanhood - is making me think.......

..... I suppose that's what it's all about - learning - and walking through the park with Ali this afternoon has made me think about one of the fundamental relationship of my life - that of mother and daughter - my mother and me as her daughter. It is also made me think about Chris's Mum.

Chris's Mum was a wonderful woman and there were times in my life when I was consciously closer to her than I was to my own Mum - I can remember that very clearly and also feeling sad/wrong to feel that.....  I am now very close to my Mum - and have been for many years, and the shared experience of Dad's death and the last few month has brought us even closer.  But I think that this relationship is (and has been for many years) based on my recognising her as a 'golden child' and loving her for being that a perfect 'golden child'. Wow - didn't expect to write that lot!!!!!

So I think I need to unpick this a bit....... I suppose I am thinking about what is love - OK quite a big question then!!!

But what is love? How much of it is what we think we ought to be? Do we 'love' people because of what or who they are in our lives? Or what we think they are? Or what we we think/and are taught to believe we ought to?

Not unpicking here - just knitting myself in deeper!

I suppose at the heart of this is - just that!!!  How much is what we love is actually from the heart - and how much is what we love  - is what our mind tells us to?

Bufffff - this started off as a nice afternoon blogg and is now asking the most fundamental question of our life - what is love? I need to reflect more on this - and I think it's been a question hovering around me for a while - what is it that we love? Is it the present, the past and/or the future? I loved Chris and my Dad very much, and I love my boys, my Mum, my family, my friends - but what does this mean? I love my life, I love my feeling of purpose in life, I love physically, I love the beauty that is everywhere, I love the music surrounding me (getting louder and louder) I love laughing, I love dancing.... I just love.......

Mmmmmmmmmm.... love is a one way process - unconditional love - means loving one way - and only one way - just loving - not wanting or needing thanks, recognition ... or anything in return... wow - I love it!!!!!!

Bratislava musings...

It has been a busy week - I am now in Slovakia, having been in Salzburg and tomorrow I go to Vienna.... Last night we partied and had a great time, the meeting and connecting does not even require a common language - though liberal amounts of good Slovakian wine helped!!

I am here with Raul from Brazil and it is just so amazing how when you look - you see the same things - just a different locality - and a different castle in the background! We, the human beings on this planet are just so similar - so connected - so one..... though so many of us are clinging on to our separateness, trying to find and emphasise our differences - the problem for them is we are not different - we are not separate - we are all individual sparks with the collective of humanity..... and I just love us!!!!

Global - local - Us - me - they are just two levels of the same thing. The more I travel, the more I connect with individuals just makes this clearer and clearer to me.... and the connections can be brief - a smile with a recognition through the eyes that we are connected - Bing - we are connected!!!! Or they can be built on a lifetime's friendship - but they are both just the same - the connection of us recognising ourselves in the soul of the other. I think the most important thing is to be open to the connection - because many of us walk through this world in fear of opening up to others and build walls around our hearts... I know I am increasingly open - I seek out the eyes and welcome the connections - and that's what other people see in me - and then I love them and they love me - and it just makes us both so happy - which of course is the meaning of life!!!!

So a day sightseeing in Bratislava - then have been promised dancing tonight - lucky lucky me!!

Taking care of myself?

I am at home (for a change!) and in bed - it is early in the morning - but still 2 hours behind Turkey where I have been for a while, so wide awake - though my body is telling me to stay in bed - to give it time to come to terms with a streaming cold. I am coughing like a hyena whilst holding close to me the amazing week I have just had..............

I think this will be a long blogg as I plan to do very little else today - well apart from 2 important emails - a walk in the park as an opportunity to see Jimmy and I have just remembered I have some work to do as well - and to  meet up with Gilly later.....

But what I really want to do today is to understand the expression '....take care of yourself'....'....cuídate' as these words have been said to me several times recently - and in my dreams - and I have promised myself to reflect on why and what they mean.

My friend Javier wrote on Fb yesterday:

'Vivir la vida intensamente, cada minuto, cada segundo, como si la vida se nos terminara pronto. Para que dejar que nuestra vida se pierda en medio de la mediocridad, la envidia, la ira y la sin razón? Dejar que los sentimientos fluyan por nuestras venas y cargarnos de positivismo siempre, nos garantiza una vida plena. VIVIR AHORA!'

Which I translated as:

'Live life intensely, every minute, every second, as if it could finish at any time. Why let our lives be lost in the midst of mediocrity, envy, rage and without reason? Letting our feelings flow through our veins and always being positive, will guarantee us a full life. LIVE NOW!'

And that's what I want/am trying to do - and being positive I should say 'This is how I AM living my life'

So what does that mean?

1. Living life intensely - cherishing every second, minute, day, every experience, person, things that I do and things that occur - I know I am doing this more and more - and this is also what my Mother is increasingly doing - cherishing every second of life with gratitude

2. Being grateful for every second, minute, day, every experience, person, thing that I do and things that occur - learning from my Mother.......

3. Moving to the next stage and making every second, minute, day, things that occurs a celebration of life - recognising and appreciating happiness......

4. I can see the next stage which is to live my life in ceremonial celebration....... know I'm not there yet but also I now know people who are doing this -  which means I can learn from them!

Cherishing, Being Grateful, Celebrating and then Ceremonially Celebrating - which of course all just means Being Happy!!!!

.............Same day still in bed - but I have been out and eaten a late breakfast with Jim, communicated with several friends via Fb etc, didn't walk in the park, didn't write the 2 important emails, but I have slept so I have taken care of myself.

Yesterday I talked about taking care on the way home from Munich with Raul - and this led to a discussion  about fear - I want to live my life 'taking care of myself' but I don't want to live my life 'in fear'. I have been thinking and I suppose I don't really understand what my fears are - yesterday Raul talked about healthy fear - linked to self preservation - yes being fearful of traffic is a good idea when crossing the road but if you take care and know the rules of the road  you can cross safely - but now my head is going round in circles - what actually is fear? Well I've just looked it up on Wikapedia:

Fear is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible.

Suddenly it all makes sense  - Fear is negativity - and my fear is being negative in my life, being negative in the four stages I wrote about earlier: Cherishing, Being Grateful, Celebrating and Ceremonially Celebrating - but also I now know what I need to do - I need to find those areas of my heart and my mind where I carry negative feelings and thoughts and to recognise them and to love them and to get rid of them - Hurray - I finally know what I'm doing!!!!

Well this has been a very long and rambling blogg which has been on the go all day - but I finally feel clearer - it's all about positive and negative energies - in Turkey I discussed with many people my positive energy - I was full of it in Ankara - when I'm working I become very focused and simply glow with energy - positive energy. I was telling one person that I do not watch the television, read the news or listen to the radio - and he said quite suddenly and out of the blue - 'So that's why you are so full of positive energy.'  The news media is very negative it sucks away at our energy.

I have also been aware for quite a while about people who drain energy from me and others by their negativity - their presence and ideas blocking the positivism of others

Love it - it is finally all making so much sense to me - I need to take care of myself by becoming more conscious of negative energy - from what ever source - and then finding ways of not letting it drain me in anyway. I also now know what to look for in myself - negative thoughts and feelings - Wonderful!!!!!

Well it's now time to get dressed and go and meet Gilly - to eat tapas and drink wine - that's also taking care of myself!!!!