Getting better slowly

... I feel like I have been ill for ages - but of course it has only been a few days.. but I think it was more flu than a cold... and I suppose I am just not used to being ill - lucky me! Chris always said I was an awful patient and I have only had myself to be with!

I have done a few work things between going back to bed, knitting and sleeping - but what has been very special has been my Mum. I phone her a lot - but she rarely if ever phones me - but she has really been with me over the last few days - she gets into 'loops' - ideas which appear and re-appear often -  and me being unwell has got into her head - she has been so lovely and solicitous - phoning me, worry about me, I have felt very close to her - and we have talked - and cried together - which has been special. She has been very concerned that I have been ill on my own - which actually has been OK - I'm just doing the right thing to get better - resting, drinking lots of honey herb teas and eating as much as I can.

I will miss my phone calls with my Mum - one day.

That makes me feel sad - and I suppose being ill is making me feel a bit sad - but that's OK too. I don't want to be self indulgent though - and I am grateful and thankful - just a bit sad too!

I suppose that's why I have been thinking about my future partner - thinking about my future.... but who knows what tomorrow will bring....... I hope it includes me feeling better - back to being normal me and full of beans again!

Full of cold.......

..... am full of cold and clearly not well - it started a couple of days ago - and I would have been off work today but people had come from London and the Lake District for meetings - so I went in - I really hope I haven't passed my bug on to them! I came back and just fell sound asleep. It's funny being ill - and I'm not used to it! I am trying to avoid taking any chemicals but will watch and listen to my body.

So I am all wrapped up in my warm little flat - drinking copious amounts of herbal tea with extra lemon, ginger and honey - just wanting to feel well soon.

This enforced rest has made me think about my future.... and in particular my future partner. I know he's out there but I don't know any more than that. It's an exciting prospect and one which will change  my life completely.... he could appear any day but equally he might not be in life for a long time - que sera, sera....... I joined an on line dating site last night - things to do when full of cold! I haven't paid any money and have only joined the first level.... but it was an interesting process - identifying what I am looking for in a future partner.

The site I joined is for people who identify as spiritual - and I had an interesting time - browsing! Most of the men were in the USA or Australia - which felt safe for me as I am just looking - but it looks like there are some really lovely men out there - which is nice to know!

But it has made me think that I  do need to be clear to myself that I am now looking for a long-term relationship - and thinking about my cousin Andy's advice - I should actually not look for a partner but find ways of making friends with a larger set of people first - but it will be useful and fun to have a look on line - seeing the things that the men say they are looking for was interesting!

But for now I am coughing and sneezing, with a very red nose, streaming eyes and headache - I don't think I will do the video for in the dating site tonight!!!!!

Life is an adventure though!

On holiday - at home.......

...... today I am on holiday.

I have told several people this over the last few days and the have just laughed at me - as if the concept of me being on holiday is funny - quite right too - my life is a holiday!

However...... today I am not at work, have nothing planned and am still in bed.... on holiday. so I will blogg - catch up with myself - maybe think about things in a different way - a way without obligations or effort.... I shall just be a Swan and glide effortlessly through the day.

Am having a 'thing' about the Swan at the moment - not certain what it means - but when you get several unexpected and repeating references to something I think it is time to take notice...... and explore what it might mean.

I have just looked in my Tarot cards and was surprised to read that the Swan signifies: Breaking old bonds and finding new rivers in which to swim. I didn't expect that...... but I do feel very strongly that I am moving into a new phase of my life.

I have been dancing for four days - Journey into Trance - with an amazing teacher Jonathan Horan...... I plunged deeply into the dance..... not holding back..... and not holding onto anything just letting my body and my soul immerse themselves in the liberation of following the wave...... It was especially liberating as I had a second teacher - a badly sprained foot which I acquired the night before the dance - through standing up too quickly from a chair!  It was a joy - very painful to stand on.... I had to 'dance around' my foot... it was truly wonderful - I danced on the floor, I danced on a chair, I danced on the altar, I danced without moving my right foot.... I danced ecstatically, joyfully, beautifully..... it was like my body radiated energy - and I had amazing dances with others - sharing our energies and releasing, releasing...... releasing......... buffffffffffff - I had such a FANTASTIC DANCE!

Yesterday I started to come back to Earth and had a lovely day, lunching and karaoking with Pat and Nita.... being family.... feeling loved and loving.... delicious.

So today I have no plans...... isn't that just such a gift - the weather is wet - with blue skies - seeing a lot of this unusual weather at the moment... and frost on the roofs of the houses... so I shall stay in bed..... happiness is! Then maybe  shall go and buy some little tupperwares as I seem to have given mine away and I like to freeze portions of meals... can't stand to waste food.

This is  a rambling blogg - reflecting my rambling holiday feeling...... I am glad I am on holiday - and know that the sprained foot was also telling me to slow down and stay grounded for a while - I have been dashing around the world for quite a while now!  I need to reflect on the new rivers the Swan is signifying.

Well I think that's what I will do today....... meditate........

I AM JUST SO BLESSED!

letting go......

... it's funny - but probably not - but I am having a few days off work - starting today - and suddenly my body and mind seems to have melted into exhausted goo!!!

I have been thinking today about my year so far.......  and I have been constantly on the go for months now, travelling, working, meeting people, being with family and friends, being very focused.... and very happy.... but absolutely non-stop.

Well today I stopped and it was like a ton of bricks landed on me!

I still have a few work things to do tomorrow and they are worrying me a bit - as today I just couldn't  get my brain to work at all... but I had told it to go on holiday - and it was just doing what it was told!

Anyway I am home - which is unusual! I was thinking about going away for a while but apart from being  down to stay with Lizzie in Devon this weekend - recovering well and it was a joy to be there - I am glad to be home - I will dance for the weekend - a special teacher and three days so that will help with my energy level! Go and spend time with my Mum - and maybe just not do anything - funny feeling it wont work out like that - but I will try and slow down for a few days..... feel less knackered just by writing this blogg!!!!!!

Saturday morning

.. and I'm in bed - Alex is sleeping next door - Sam and Jess are around at Jimmy's - a house they knew from their childhood - I think Rob and a friend are on the train on their way from London - communication with my eldest son can be a hit and miss! But his new phoned arrived here on Thursday - so hopefully will be easier after he gets that. Phones must be cheaper here than in Croatia.

The reason for them all being here is Pat's 50th Birthday - Jan's little sister - I have known her since she was a child - in a wheelchair for the last three years after a stroke - she is a wise woman - who has had a hard life - earlier I was wondering why some people have such hard lives and others like me - have such easy lives - or lucky lives as my Mum calls them.

I know our lives are about learning - our soul's journey of learning..... but our life's journey starts from the  moment of conception - the circumstances of our birth, our parents, position in family - let alone where we are born - all those things come into play - before actually anything that we do with our lives, the choices we make...... maybe this is just the mystery of our life - why did our soul choose to be born into this set of circumstances - what was the lesson it wanted to learn?

So why did my soul choose to be born into this lucky life? What did it want to learn? Good question this and am not certain I know the answer yet - maybe it was to learn to appreciate and to be happy.... if that was the case then I think I have learnt well!!!!! I do appreciate my lucky life, my wonderful family which goes so far beyond my biological family, my amazing job and all the blessings that that gives me, my wonderful husband of 35 years - and on and on - how blessed am I...... and yes how happy I am - lessons like this are just so beautiful......

...... and now I will get up and make a HUGE breakfast for all these wonderful young people who are in my life - and treasure every second of this special day within my lucky life......

I am just so grateful to be alive........

Not quite back to earth......

.... well am at home - arrived back from Poland yesterday afternoon - which I know was Sunday but all the days have been so intense and full - I can't say it looked or felt like an ordinary Sunday! Which of course it wasn't.

Well am home - Rene came back from Lodz with me - I was away for nearly two weeks - a Mentoring Associate  visit by David and Nalani from Hawaii to Jerzy and his team in Poland followed by a week of conference - all good - all more than good actually - but tonight I can feel it went really well - but am not sure if I could articulate it!

Think I am still living a bit on adrenaline - and the high of being...... not sure though what I am being.... probably exhausted - 10 countries in 10 weeks, in three continents, two/three day turn arounds...... But I am also high/elated/joyful/grateful....... the joy and insights of being me - and going where I go - to meet who I meet - is actually a bit overwhelmed - I do lead a truly amazing life!

in bed.....

and in my own bed which makes  change........ and I am thinking of spending most of the day here!

My body is tired, overcome to late nights, very early jet lagged mornings and a rough flight home when dehydration//low blood  pressure got to me and I ended up on oxygen. On reflection it was self induced, not deliberately, but as a consequence of me not listening to my body - being wrapped up in an amazing opportunity to meet and reflect - globally ....... and just not drinking enough precious water.

What  I loved most about the conference was the global thinking - not by all obviously but by many - I could see real global consciousness growing and that was fantastic. My own learning growing through the joy of reflection and the opportunity to feel the passion and wisdom of the other participants. It was a Congress - a meeting of minds -  and like everything you get back what you give. I know I contributed passion and...... I hesitate to write the word wisdom - but I think I should overcome my hesitation and recognise that I do contribute wisdom....... Wow that was a big thing for me to write! Sometimes I just feel like I have so little wisdom ..... in the sense of factual knowledge and research based information etc ...... whilst at other times my heart just sings with pure knowing and joy which seems greater even than wisdom......

Interesting.......

I love it when my blogg writing clarifies my thinking!

I was recently talking to Rene about Elders..... and I have not felt that I was ready yet to be an Elder..... but suddenly today I do! Not certain what this means yet..... but for me, maybe becoming an Elder means that I am becoming closer to the beautiful wise child within myself...... yes I like that..... her knowedge is not based on the content of my brain - her knowedge is based on the wisdom of my heart.......

.... back to this world.... so now I am home - arrived yesterday afternoon and apart from phoning my Mum I have done nothing but drink herbal teas and rested - and intend to spend today in a very similar manner - though I know I also need to go and walk in the park and be with the trees and the plants to complete my body balancing.

........ body tired, brain drained but heart singing!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!

.....off to Canada tomorrow

.... holding close to my heart the news that things are going well in Devon - a week ago I was in Torquay hospital with Lizzie.... she was so very dangerously ill ..... and a week later she is home but her world completely changed.... but the news is as positive as possible - so that's great.

Will call in at my Mum's  tomorrow on my way to airport - she wants to send flowers - and Lizzie loves flowers so that will be a nice thing to do. I am all packed and plan to have an early night and as long a lie in tomorrow as I can manage........ Gilly coming round shortly and we will drink wine and talk which is what we do so well together.

Feeling tired but also strangely strong as I see things happen - unrolling in front of me....... the pace is furious though. Feel I just have to give into the speed - accept that life is changing so very quickly.... have spent a lot of today planning and talking about 2014 and 2015 - turn around and it will be 2016 - I wonder where I will be  then - could be anywhere - now that is exciting!!!!!!!

Days are a blurr......

...... and know I am not alone in this....

... back home from London - very, very good work but all a blurr.... tonight I am feeling physically very tired - which I am not really used to.... but I am holding close to me that Lizzie is doing a day at a time..... and my Mum is very happy after her weekend - it is strange but probably not - she got so much out of last weekend. 

Reflecting on the intensity of last weekend  - know I need to give myself sometime to just be me..... also London was good work but also intense in its own way!  Itis lovely to be in my flat - I have music playing and it just so very peaceful..... would go to bed but it is only 9 o'clock!

Thinking a lot about Lizzie, Andy, Claire and Nigel tonight and over last couple of days..... and their journey.... hard but filled with so much love...  and a huge privilege to witness - and to be included within.....

So the days are a blurr - but that's OK - need to stay present and appreciate the moment - every precious second we are alive - life is for living - but tonight it is for sleeping!

the unexpected curve ball!

.... am home it's Monday evening...... and it's hard to know where to start this blogg.

Friday morning I left early to take my Mum and Sophie for a little holiday to stay with with my cousins in Devon..... at the time I was just thinking about my Mum and travelling that distance and would she be alright, looking forward to spending time with Lizzie, Andy and their family etc etc -  when circumstances changed everything........

It is strange that we turn up for the weekend - much looked  forward to by all - hosts and visitors..... ..... when Lizzie my lovely cousin - becomes seriously and life threateningly ill.

So what has happened is that Lizzie has had major surgery - which she survived - and is now at a threshold of recovery (or not) - to be blunt.

But during this weekend we have  been......

....family

....... and tonight I am just treasuring the gift of family - to be able to love, to receive and to witness love....... is to be human - and to be consciously human is such a joy....... joy out of such an emotional and potentially sad weekend could be thought of as a bit weird - but it actually feels so right.  But the shadow of joy is grief.......

.... family means all of us.......

Seven years....

A long time - a short time - no time - all of time........

Seven years ago today my lovely man died - and two years ago tomorrow my lovely Dad died.....

........ and today I have been so happy..........

.... and I'm really proud of me!!!!!

There was a point today when I was walking into work in the sunshine and I just felt pure joy and happiness - there was also points today when I talked to two of my sons and felt their sadness...

......but overall I have been as high as a kite!

The main reason for this has been a beautiful falling together of so many work things and in particular their harmony and resonance with the spiritual dimension of my life.

I live in two worlds much of the time: Alegra's world and Tricia's world... there are people who know both but most people know one - but get glimpses of the other. One very much a spiritual being - the other a woman of this world.....

... and this is my 7 year journey - when Chris died - I was Tricia.... now I am both Tricia and Alegra - and this is the huge growth and awakening of the spiritual aspect of my being - or as my son's would call it - the old hippy part of me!

Tomorrow I take my 93 year old Mum to Devon. Three years after taking my Mum and Dad on their last holiday together to Devon and two years since she lost my Dad, her home, her mobility - as she broke her hip at that time.

We are going with my niece Sophie and  staying at my cousin Lizzie's - I just love family!!!!!! Talked to both and my Mum today - and all of us are just so excited about being together, being family...... treasuring the time we can spend together.... how is that defined? I see it as happiness as felt in the heart.... but also with gratitude that we are able to do this..... talked to Lizzie tonight and know that this also includes a recognition of grief..... which is OK too!

Looking back at this blogg post - I recognise that I have used the seven years well......... thank you Chris my lovely man for being in my life and being such a teacher to me.... and thank you my lovely Dad for cherishing me... I am grateful and blessed... and doing my best to be ME....... which of course is just a part of US!

Back home from Paris - how did that happen?

I live such an extraordinary life - I get a good idea and it sort of happens - which is weird but also wonderful!

So a few months ago I  thought it would be a good idea to go to Paris - work - linked to a workpackage - linked to my needing to know stuff.....  then I thought it would be a good idea to ask a group to go with me - a mixture of members of my current and also my previous team, including young ones.... So I make that happen  - then go off to Africa etc .... doing other stuff..... then suddenly it's Paris.....

Not explaining this well - as I am not certain how I actually make things happen - but I do! I could have gone to Paris for a meeting with maybe one or two other people and it would have been interesting - but I go with 7 very different people - I end up having a few days which were amazingly rich in learning.....

I know I make things happen but am still not certain exactly how I do this! 

Food for thought - crack this one and I am consciously manifesting!!!!

shouldn't start blogging at this time of night - should be sleeping!

Jet lag is funny - I just get wide awake when I should be sleepy - tomorrow morning I know I will struggle! But not  complaining -  I am so amazingly blessed to be having this opportunity to travel - and I knew this time would be pretty full - I go to Paris on Saturday - my 4th country in 4 weekends - then Ireland the following weekend for a wedding - really looking forward to that - as there will be many Spirithorse people there and I have so missed them!

Last weekend was quite poignant in Chicago for several reasons - not least as I can't see me going to another COE conference -  I have been to 13 of the last 15 years annual conferences and ran summer schools and study tours for COE students and staff for 12 years - and Mitch was such an amazing mentor for me for so many years - so extraordinarily important to my professional thinking, decisions and repute. It felt very important that I attended this conference as Mitch was retiring - and I am really glad that I did......  

.... but the USA after Africa was hard.  I knew would find it so because I always find the USA hard - and to go straight from Ethiopia and Kenya was always going to be difficult. It was also full of  'last moments' - these weren't bad or painful - but they were poignant.

There was also quite a lot of Chris grief - which came as a really big surprise...... his death 7 years ago was days after the COE conference in New York - Jimmy and I with many friends attended the 2007 conference - which was also in the same hotel in Chicago... I stumbled on my blogg posting of Chris's memorial service just as I was leaving for Chicago.... this sounds morbid - but it wasn't it was just about the recognition of grief.

Grief is good! That was unexpected learning....

Grief is about recognising truth - love of what is lost - plus all the sadness, regret, guilt for what didn't happen  but it is also about joy and  recognition of what is no longer - about what was beautiful - what should be recognised, celebrated, loved and treasured.

So that was how I felt and what I was thinking - and it has been a pretty hard ride - but I have also felt so loved during this time.... it also feels like a big step somehow - a moving on.......

.... and so we continue - to be alive is a gift.

Now it is very late and sleepy or not I must go to bed!!!

Back home and off again!

.... it's Thursday evening - I got back from Kenya last Saturday - went to see my Mum on Tuesday with Jim - couldn't go on Sunday as was waiting in for my luggage! We had talked quite a few times whilst I was in Ethiopia and Kenya - me being there - had brought back many memories of my Dad's time there - in the year she was waiting to marry him - special and wonderful conversations....

Now I am off to Chicago tomorrow - which feels pretty wierd.... September is a month of travelling.....

... early start tomorrow.....

Today I went to the biggest slum in Africa....

.... and it was....... lost for words - tonight I am feeling very full emotionally....

.... to see poverty beyond my comprehension - but at the same time to see such joy and hope - is also beyond my comprehension - OK so my mind is still struggling to get to grips with this - but my heart is singing!

Africa......

....tonight am in Nairobi after a week in Addis Ababa...... and the first chance to blogg.... so much has happened......

......... feeling quite lost for words..........

I suppose nothing really has happened except I have been given the opportunity to be me and to see and to learn...... I have been on a real learning journey.....

..... tonight I am back in the comfortable world of a nice hotel in Nairobi with good internet, hot water etc with insightful colleagues/friends from Brazil - and tomorrow I go on another African journey.

Spoke to my Mum tonight - she is amazing and she listened with love to my stories of where I have been....

.... learning, learning, learning....... LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

....off again.....

... and not feeling nervous - but really, really excited!!!!!!

It's Saturday teatime and tomorrow morning at 4 I have to leave for the airport - I'm all packed - just thinking through what I might have forgotten - and tomorrow I go to Ethiopia - wow, wow ,wow!!!!!!! For a week and then to Kenya for a week - lots more wows!!!!

I have been over to my Mum's today with my sister Fiona and for the second week reading some of my Father's letters to my Mum. They met in Germany in 1945 at the end of the second world war - and after very few weeks (3-6 my Mum moves the figure)  became engaged - and then my Dad was posted to Abyssinia  (Ethiopia) for a year.

So last week I started to look at my Dad's letters - to see if I could see where he had been posted etc. I discovered that he had spent quite a lot of the time in Nairobi - but beyond that very little abut the places he was stationed - or what he saw etc.

But what I did read was extraordinary; the outpourings of love from a young man to a young woman - separated by half a world. They wrote daily (with occasional misses - explained with love and details of 'no light' or 'a party at the Mess') and it was just beautifully from the heart.... real love letters...... letters of love from a young (remarkably innocent and naive) young man to the love of his life. Bufffffffff

I read some out to my Mum...... we cried last week - so this week I selected more.... she hasn't been able to face these letter before - but I think she will now start to read them again on her own. The love of 66 years - in the words of a young man. So amazingly beautiful. I nearly wrote poignant - but I don't think it is poignant - I think it is JUST BEAUTIFUL - that my Mum can read the words of love, written from the heart - from the love of her life. The fact that he wrote them 68 years ago is irrelevant, the fact that he is dead is irrelevant. He loved her then and he loved for all the rest of the 66 years they were together - she misses him so much - but to have been loved like that is truly special.....

My Mum says often - I'm so lucky - and today witnessing this - she is.... I have become strangely short of words - bit overwhelmed by it really.

Then tomorrow I go to Ethiopia!

Lots more stuff in my heart... but the restlessness of the night before travel has come over me - and I need a really early night.......

WOW!!!!! - the only word to describe how I feel tonight, blessed, deeply appreciative and so EXCITED!!!

Sunday evening... how did that happen?

... it only seems seconds ago it was - yesterday, last Sunday, a year ago.........

This week has been a real - up and down sort of week - but on reflection maybe this is not a bad thing.

Trying to find answers.......

We live in a world were we see things as linear - but maybe not everything is linear? Maybe we live in a spiral universe - so going up and down is in the context of going round and round. So maybe all this means is that when we feel we are going up and down - we are actually going forward - all be it in a strange sort of jumpy fashion!

Back to earth....  there have been great bits to my week, Steph being here for several days, Jimmy back in Liverpool, settling into the house, work prickly but eventually being able to see really clearly what needs to be done and having an amazing day on Wednesday working with young people - wonderfully, mind-blowingly good!

But there has been down bits - not certain what - a sort of heavy feeling about 'stuff' - now that is not a very clear description! OK - I have struggled with something this week - which is very deep within me - I will use this blogg to explore it.......

......I love blogging - because now I have to write down what exactly has been 'bugging' me all week!

Well..... it's been about 'manifesting' - for quite a while I have known - consciously - that there is a really strong relationship between - 'what I expect - and what I get'. I see it happening - I look back over my life and I can see when and how it happened. Small things and big things.

I have been reflecting on these and my thinking has ended up understanding that these things happened in order for me to learn....................-

As I got clearer about why things things happened because I learnt this or because I learnt that .... then I can comfortably move to - it all happened actually  'for a purpose' - I then moved on to 'Wow - I made these things happen.... because this is what I learnt from that.'

Pretty bonkers stuff - but all making prefect sense to me!!!

The next stage is to then say - OK - 'If I  can do this - if I can make things happen - then what should I consciously manifest?'

At this point,  I got into a very difficult loop of thinking - do I manifest something because I want it - or do I manifest something because I will learn from it - two completely different things.........

Anyway - I have been wrapping myself up in this thought loop for a while now - since the point that I clearly saw the relationship between me manifesting things which happened in my life - somethings because I wanted them - but most because on reflection - I learnt so much from them.

I believe that I have been manifesting my life -this beautiful rich life I lead - I am responsible for it.....Quite a big leap in thinking this - but I have to say it is where I am - and where I have been for a while now.

So Dear Blogg readers - thanks-you for staying with me - and yes this is a pretty convoluted thought chain!

So the dilemma is - now I 'know' what I am doing - what do I manifest - what I want (nice stuff)? or stuff for me to learn (which might not be so nice stuff)?

I am surprised (but also not surprised) that I have ended up understanding that what I have to go with is ....... faith. Now this is a really difficult word/concept for me - because I equate this word with religion - and total knowing, total clarity - and also total dogma, blindness, lack of thinking......

So... now you see my dilemma - loving the manifestation concept, seeing/living its reality - knowing that I can do it consciously - and then finding that what I manifest has to be based on faith .

So I have to have faith - in other words I have to 'know' in my head - that I don't actually 'know' - but to 'know' in my heart - that I actually do 'know'. Because I am living it!

Well this has been a long - and not easy blogg to write, Thank you staying with me - am aware that I am not clear yet - but loving the process of getting there - and Sooooooo excited about what I am manifesting!!!!

Life's amazing - and probably spiral - have faith! xxxxxx

Deliciously beautifully bonkers.....

......on a lots of levels!

 

Love it -  it has been an amazing week - with three really big things happening! 

I am now at home in my little flat - but holding close to myself the joy that Jimmy and 4 of his friends are now the Tenants ( as defined by law!) of Cheltenham Avenue. Lots of stuff here - and from my point of view - a lot of resolution. This was my lifetime home for over 30 years - my family home - Chris and my home - where I brought my new born babies to, where I brought my family up, where I was happy, where I confronted the most beautiful and the hardest lessons I could ever face etc,etc...... I left it three years ago - not easy - but now the house is taking a new life, the home of Jimmy (and Rachel) in Liverpool plus four of his friends - love it! Though the complete lack of furniture, fittings and everything else was a bit unexpected - but after the shock have loved  the lack of  memories.... 

Second big thing was coming back to earth after Singing in the Wild! Won't even try to start explaining this - need to blogg sometime with honesty and openness and try to explain where I go - and who I am in the valley -  but I am ME - beautiful, spiritual, true and authentic- oh yes - and divine - so not easily put on a blogg!!!

Third thing was work - an amazing falling together of 'stuff''..... too tired tonight to detail but it was  amazing when the day to day stuff - the every day norms - fall in line with the bonkers reality of my other life! It is also hard to make sense -sorry!

It's Friday night  and I have been drinking wine with Gilly.

xxxxxxxx.. and something is making me sneeze - atishu!!!!!

In Brazil

Extraodinarily - I am currently in Rio de Janerio - and tonight I fly to Washington DC...... how did that happen!

I am staying in a beautiful apartment in Ipanema a block away from the amazing beach - courtesy of a beautiful woman that I met in Lima at Easter. Her journey is not easy and it has been a privilege to have spend time with her in this wonderful city.

I have been amazed by Rio - it is just a wonderous city - the amazing combination of the beaches, urbanity, extraordinary mountains and people. I love it! I am frustrated by the language as my Spanish is not good enough for me to transfer to Portuguese - but one day it will be!

I have reflected a lot about my future whilst I have been in Brazil - deep and personal conversations in Sao Paulo and then here in Rio - aware that I am in South America - and feeling so much at home.... but  I do feel so much an Earthling  - at home in the world, rather than just one bit of it.

I have also felt how positive I am - and that this is what I also receive back. What you give is what you get. This process of being positive - expecting and accepting - is a circular one - but it is not a passive one. I believe that when I see an open door - I go through it - but not by just drifting through it - but by walking through it - consciously taking responsibility for my own actions.

I suppose this is the relationship between the conscious mind and the intuition of the soul.

Well I know I feel blessed - and I know I am consciously happy - and I know I have a last day in Rio to  explore this amazing city.............. and I am here - where ever that is - living my life in the present, with so much gratitude and love - lucky, lucky, lucky me!

Off to Brazil

It's been a very busy week at work - and the week has just seemed to have flown by. But this seems like the norm for everyone.

Life does seem very strange  the moment - and I feel a growing alignment between everything I do - though I also feel a strong sense of 'not understanding' what's going on... but a growing sense of 'feeling' that great changes are going on!!!

I love it when I have random conversations - like yesterday when I was getting my hair cut - a conversation which led to a real sense of shared understanding. I love that feeling of connection, when you don't really need to say very much - but just understand each other.

Well off around to the other side of the world - feeling very happy and sort of comfortable - that sounds a bit weird - still not certain why I do what I do - but know that I am doing the right thing - if that makes sense?

Afternoon with my Mum, Jenny, Fiona and little Aiden - then off to Sao Paulo - counting my many blessing!

Dancing and my Mum

It's Sunday evening and I have been dancing all weekend - 'Space' with Andrew Holmes - two days of deep dancing - absolutely wonderful. Earlier today I danced 'outside my body' - it is a bit difficult to explain - but when you dance deep - sometimes your body sort of disappears and you feel like you have no edges to your body. This didn't used to happen very often - but I have increasingly been going to this place - well today I went there - and then to the next place...................

...... this really is difficult to describe - but today when I  was dancing - I consciously took myself outside of my physical body into my Aura - well I guess it was my Aura - somewhere that I have never been before!

So that was pretty cool!

It's funny cos I am doing this amazing stuff, and living this amazing life - but I don't actually know the words for where I am - a lot of this is about me wanting to work everything out for myself - I don't want to be told these things by someone else. This means  - however a wonderful a teacher is - I feel it is crucial for me to recognise that the 'lesson' is coming through the teacher's perspective - and as we are all different - we have to learn things from our own perspective. So a really good teacher - takes you to a place where you work it out for yourself. This is true for dancing - for me - but I think it is probably true for everything - we learn when we are enabled to be in a position to learn - and when we are ready to - I think this is why I love Andrew as a teacher - because he is brilliant at what he does - but so subtle -  very in tune with his class and with a wonderful humility about what he is - which is an amazing teacher!

So I came back home and have an evening of conversations with Alex (in Grenoble) and my Mum....... conversations which were both lovely but also poignant. My Mum had been taken unwell at Chapel this morning  - probably her heart - which operates on three valves. Not seriously unwell but a 'turn' she was unhappy - as she felt stupid - when she gets down - she sort of loses all her confidence and says things like I'm just a silly old woman. We talked a long time on the phone which was good......

Never finished this blogg last night - sleep just crept up on me - I had danced for two whole days - so it was understandable! Well - it's now Monday and I have been to London and back - had a great day of meetings - so buzzing - as well as the legacy of days dancing with a wonderful teacher. Early night tonight!

Expectations!

I have for a while now becoming clearer about the reality of What you expect - is - What you get.

Not totally certain of the parameters for this - but I do feel it is very true when going into a specific situation - if I go into something - with the expectation that it will not be good - well hey - guess what - it isn't! But if I expect it to be positive - not always easy - but positive - then - it will be.

I think the biggest thing in my life - was Chris dying - and looking back I can see that I made the decision - then and there - to go into the future positively - and I see my current fulfilled and richly blessed life - a consequence of that mindset. But it was definitely not easy.......

But it is also true of the smallest things - if I expect this day to be joyful - it will be - if I can recognise and enjoy all the elements of it. This doesn't mean everything will work out as I want them to happen - but if my mindset is one which says - I expect joy from this day - whatever actually happens is irrelevant - if my mindset is to feel the joy of being alive and having the gift of  living another day!

Well today has started well - it's just after 9 in the morning and I'm blogging from my bed - I slept well - but woke early - and decided that I needed to run in the park - I have been away for three weeks and not done much exercise during this time - and eaten many beautiful meals! My body is feeling a bit heavy - I expected it to be a good run - though I knew it wasn't going to be easy!

Anyway the run was amazing! Much better than I expected - firstly the park is just so deliciously green, lush and verdant after all this rain... the sun is shining and the freshness of the morning made it a wonderful place to be. It was hard though - my body felt heavy - but I warmed up and then ran to a special place - close to where I used to live - it is a spot where I used to go and meditate when I was just starting my spiritual awakening. I meditated there for a while in the sunshine then continued my run - I saw Kipper the dog's doppelganger - a dog called Shadow - who has very similar markings - he's old now and it was lovely to see such a close simile to my lovely Kipper.

Then I ran to the tree where we scattered Chris's and Kipper's ashes - a beautiful Beech tree - its trunk strong and its new leaves shimmering - I stood with my back to the tree and remembering both of them with love - I was just standing there when I looked up to see a little robin on a branch, very close, and right in front of me. He sang to me as I stood with tears running down my cheeks. It was very special. So I expected a good run - but I didn't know I would be serenaded by a robin!!

It's Sunday and I'm off again tomorrow to Brussels - I have quite a lot of work to do before I go - this afternoon I will go and see my Mum - have spoken to her lots over the last three weeks but it will be good to be with her. I might just spend a bit longer in my bed though as it very comfortable....

A beautiful start to the day - and now I will expect to find joy in the rest of the day!!!

In Croatia with Rob

A very special week with Rob - tonight in Zadar - after nearly two weeks together - this last week  has been a holiday - Sarajevo and Hvar -  but much more important a time for us to to talk - I can't see such a time together in our future - we have not always agreed - but over the last week we have really talked - deeply, spiritually and openly.... wonderful....

Tomorrow back into world of work - but how blessed have I been to have had this opportunity to travel and to talk deeply with my oldest son..... feeling very happy........

Finding My Feet!

It's Sunday night and I have to leave the house at 5.15 tomorrow morning to catch a flight to Croatia, so on the move again!! I will be away for three weeks, back 2 nights, then away again for a few more days. This trip has also got several distinct element to it, two conferences and several meetings in several countries. However, I will also spend a few days with Rob, we are going to Sarajevo, the Bosnian pyramid,  Mostar and then down to the coast which will be lovely.

I have got that edgy feeling that I get just before I go away. Packing today, seemed complicated, not helped by the fact that I bought Rob a pair of shoes, size 15 (50 European size/16 USA) - they fill my carry on bag! I am also taking him a present of a hammock I found and repaired, this seemed a good idea but it hasn't left a lot of space for anything else. I also really like to travel light so I am only taking a very small suitcase and carry on bag. So today I had to pack with care - but given my lifestyle I should be very good at packing!

Went over to see my mother yesterday. She is sad, she is really doing her best not to be sad, however sadness is quite close to her at the moment. I won't see her for the next three weeks, but I do phone her a lot. I think she is lonely. She actually has a lot of visitors and lives in a lovely place with other people, but I think her loneliness - is her missing Dad. She is going on a cruise in July with Jenny, Evey and Ellen. They are going around Ireland and calling in one of the Channel Islands, she's really looking forward to that. I have said I will take her away to stay with my cousin Lizzy's in September. As one trip comes close, she likes to see her next trip taking shape - I must be my mother's daughter!

I have had a lovely and busy weekend, went drinking with Hector and Gilly on Friday, went to see my Mum and got my hair cut on Saturday, when round for tea and watched the Eurovision Song contest at Gilly's last night and then today, packed, and this afternoon took a group of people on a Shamanic Sound Journey. I was actually very nervous. We held the event in my friend Jude's apartment and it was a mixture of people that I knew through dancing and complete strangers. They all seem to get a lot from the journey which was wonderful but afterwards a couple of things happened which amazed me.

I have just written an e-mail to a friend describing where I am in my life. and I said I am amazingly blessed to be living the life that I am; with the growing conviction and understanding, that  I am absolutely in the perfect place at the perfect time, to be doing what I should be doing!

And it feels very true.

Wow!!!!!!!!!

But maybe I am just finding my feet.....................

Things moving quickly......

Life does seem so very accelerated  at the moment - the weeks just flashing by..... but also lots happening in my life.

Last weekend was significant in my journey. As a consequence of the Shamanic Workshop with Patricia White Buffalo I made the decision to be more public about my Sound Healing practice. As a consequence I have started to advertise what I do  - and have just spend the last couple of hours writing stuff for the web - and I will also turn these into a small leaflet - and I know a couple of places I will advertise - WoW!!!!

I had my first 'cold' client last Tuesday and will take a group on a Sound Journey next Sunday. I have also realised that I am a 'Shamanic' Sound Healer - wasn't clear about this until last weekend - but yesterday I did a Sound Healing treatment which included taking the client on a Shamanic Journey and then working with Sound - what actually happened was absolutely amazing!!!

I just love this work as it all comes beautifully naturally  to me - which sounds bonkers - and sometimes feels bonkers - but it also  just feels wonderfully true to me. I am a Shamanic Sound Healer - now who would have expected that!

This is what I wrote on my other blogg:

What is Shamanic Sound Healing? 

I use sound and vibration to work with the energy body. This includes drumming, Tibetan bowls, tuning forks and my voice;  each session is always unique to the individual or group.

Sound Healing involves the cleansing and releasing of energies, as well as receiving feelings of harmony, balance and physical relaxation.

The sounds and vibration of the instruments, and the voice, resonate with the physical, emotional, metal and spiritual energy fields, bringing healing and a sense of well being.

Shamanism refers to a range of traditional beliefs and practices and is based on the understanding that we are all connected. This includes the recognition that everything, including our Mother Earth, has a spirit and is alive. With this knowledge also comes responsibility. 

I am a Shamanic practitioner because I  also work within the Spirit world and this allows me to include these connections within my Sound Healing practice.  

I offer:

Individual Shamanic Sound Healing

Group Shamanic Sound Journeys

Now how about that!!!!! 

I have also had a lovely rich and full weekend, Steph was over from Belfast and we went to my Mum's on Saturday spending time with my Mum and Jenny -  and then last night as it was Gilly's birthday, Fiona also came round and I cooked a Gilly-centric Birthday feast and we ate, drank wine, talked, laughed and celebrated life which is always a good thing to do!

This week will be busy - have got behind a bit with work and tomorrow Gilly and I go to Les's Mum's funeral - 3 months after her Dad's. But this in itself feels to have a rightness to it - and I am glad to be going, though I will have to get a lot done in the rest of the week as I go to Croatia a week tomorrow - with lots of things to do like prepare a key note presentation!

But I will see Rob which will be lovely.

So another week flashed by - glad I found the time to blogg - as it always good to take the time to just be me - and to recognise where I am - and what I'm up to - even if sometimes I just have to laugh out loud at what I get to up - I wonder what Chris would think about this me of May 2013 - he would probably call her an 'old hippy' - like his three sons do - but you know what I think he would love her energy, craziness and her love of life - and for my part - I loved that lovely man - and always will - how lucky was I!!!!! How lucky am I!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...... and a Shamanic Sound Healer - get out of here!!!!!!

Looking after myself!!!!

It's around 9 on Saturday evening - and I'm in bed!!!! After a lovely supper, a very deep, hot and relaxing bath - my bed is warm and comforting, I have beautiful music playing, the room is perfumed by scented oil, I have a mug of chamomile tea and I have time to write my blogg - perfect! I am looking after myself.......

I have been very busy! Estonia was amazing - but exhausting  - I never got to work Monday afternoon - went to bed for four hours instead... it all caught up with me - went dancing Monday evening - Andrew Holmes an amazing teacher - beautiful dance - so very needed. Tuesday I was phoned up by the friend of my childhood to say her sister had died suddenly (age 55) the day before. Sudden deaths are always shocking...... I went over to my Mum's as I wanted to tell her myself - she was surprised to see me on a Tuesday afternoon and as I sat down next to her - she hung her head - knowing I was going to tell her bad news.... I keep recalling her posture in the chair at that moment - as she held herself in anticipation of something she didn't want to hear.

I then went see my friend and her Mother - both cloaked in shock at the completely unexpected death of an only sister and a beloved child. The human spirit is strong. Sudden death also bring to the surface the memory of other deaths - and I have spent a lot of time this week - remembering, listening and talking about other deaths - I think it is so important to do this - grieving is not a one-off process - it is important to talk - and to listen.

Wednesday I went to the Ballet - Matthew Bourne's Sleeping Beauty - it was magical and I thoroughly enjoyed it - and last night I went to a Shamanic Sound Healing Event, which was a pre-cursor to a two day Soul Retrieval Workshop which I am participating in this weekend... that's why I'm bed looking after myself - because I need to do this.

I know I haven't processed Tartu yet - as it was rich and deep in learning - and I am also not really on top of all the work coming out of it - plus the rest - but that will get done. That's the work side of my life - the sound healing side of my life is so completely different - Alegra and Tricia - the two sides of me.

It was really interesting today in the lunch break talking to two of my companions - as I could just begin to see the connections and links  between what I do professionally and what I do personally - can't quite see me standing up to speak at a conference and getting my drum out - but hey who knows!!!! I love my drum - I have made a carry case for it - out of jacket I bought in a charity shop - took the sleeves off and made a circular lining from an old camping mat and some furry fabric - I've then decorated it - must say I am very happy with it - it had it's first outing today at the workshop and was much admired - both the drum and the case!

What do I think is the same about the two sides of my life is the effort I put into both - I think I work hard and put commitment into what I do - I also think that  I follow my intuition - and have done so for much of my life - more consciously now - but looking back I have ended where I am by following what 'felt the right thing to do' - and yes of course being very lucky!!!

So it's Saturday night - home alone in bed - and happy! Tomorrow another day of Soul Retrieval - so no idea where that will take me! Gilly coming round for tea tomorrow evening - Monday is a public holiday - so I will take my Mum to meet my friend and her Mum for a pub lunch and we will talk of connected lifetimes and death, so that's important.  Then lots of work and things to do..... feeling happy tonight and glad I'm looking after myself - and very glad that I've blogged - thanks for reading xxxxxx

Estonia tomorrow....

It's the night before I go to Estonia for a week - and also before a really big conference for me..... so many things coming together - it all feels a bit overwhelming tonight. Really busy day, lots of sorting and logistics - including  a Lufthansa strike on Monday......

a week later ..... just got back from Estonia - never published this because I fell asleep - was going to write my blgg tonght - but after a week in Estonia - amazing,  fantastic, great week -  am exhausted - so will put my feet up tonight!

Back - and feeling loved.....

I am often surprised by what I write as a title for a blogg - tonight  I know I'm feeling happy - but I didn't know that I was feeling loved - but hey that's a great feeling!

So am home - struggling to wake up in the mornings as the time difference makes itself felt, but feeling good - busy at work -  but also feeling very appreciative for the wonderful people I work with - some here in Liverpool - many across the world - I just love their commitment and energy. We want to change the world - that's a good starting point - even if the path is not always clear!

Decisions I made in Colombia - have now been put in action - have talked to all my 3 boys - and some colleagues and friends - and I'm now being public with the decision I made in Bogota.  I will retire from the University in 2015 and leave Liverpool - starting with a year in Medellin, Colombia - followed by who knows what!

Have loved the reactions that my decision has created - everyone thinks this is a wonderful idea!!!! Now that has come as a real surprise - but why I'm not sure. My life has been changing so much over the last few years - my comfort blankets have all gone - my lovely Chris - no longer here, my beautiful boys grown up and living their own lives - my life full of my work - my passion - plus a growing desire to do more sound healing work. So when SiS Catalyst finishes - I need to move on - my personal learning journey will continue - but in a different place - Colombia - am so excited!!!!

I love it when I feel so clear about a decision. I am going to leave Liverpool, leave this flat, send my last few family possessions to Rob in Croatia, have another round of giving stuff away - and then down to a suitcase - I will be off. I will have some kind of link with a university and my old work, I will write a book, become fluent in Spanish, explore South America, host visits by friends and family - and move into the next stage of my life - with whatever that brings!!!!!!

It is two years off - but I will tell my Mum that I plan to go to Colombia when I retire. I wont tell her that it will be for at least a year, but suggest a few months. This decision will mean I wouldn't see her - if she is still here - as she is 93 next Friday - but I will find a phone deal which means I can talk to her as often as I do now - it will mean that I wont be physically in her life - and that does have a sadness to it.....

We live in an extraordinary world of connectivity - but how much we connect is a choice we make.... I am also aware that I choose to keep in touch with some people - and treasure close to my heart those that make the effort to stay close to me......

So tonight I feel loved - because I am - how wonderful is that - I also feel alone - because I am - but that's OK too.... and grateful for the joy of being alive.......
 

My life is changing

I am still in Colombia - now in Medellin - and it feels extra-ordinarily normal. Which in itself is weird!!!

I am staying at Ana's - and her wonderful family - close friends now for several years, have spent the day working - sometimes with AB and Ana on our presentation for Tartu,  sometimes with colleagues in several countries via Skype and email..... my life. How did this happen? I am constantly amazed at where I am - what I am doing and the normality of it all.......

My time in Bogota was special - I was on my own for those few days and it gave me a time to think, reflect and unexpectedly make decisions about my future.... my life is changing and it was good for me to recognise this and to be clear in my thinking - love it  - as the clarity is giving me more uncertainty - but also really taking me into another world. But of course the connectivity of this world is the basis of this new world.

On Tuesday there was a workshop by an amazing group of people - all of whom are survivors of the violence of recent years Colombia, some of their stories were harrowing in the extreme..... I didn't understand all the details as it was entirely in Spanish but I understood enough, and felt enough, to be deeply moved  by their stories. They now dedicate their lives to telling their stories, particularly to children and young people at risk. It was truly extraordinary. They were truly extraordinary..... their humanity awesome....  beautiful and breathtaking. I am at a bit of a loss for words as it was so special - to witness their stories and to connect with them..... they have changed my life......

As we all do - changing each others lives by being present in each others lives.

So it is still early here - but we had a late night last night and will have a very early morning tomorrow - the big day of our visit! So sleep calls me.

My life is changing -  and I am conscious of that - pretty amazing stuff this living business!!!!!

Blogging from Bogota!

Well that's a cool title for a Blogg!

Arrived in Bogota this afternoon after a week in Peru - and a very late last night drinking pisco sours and  cuba libres with AB, Javier and strangely Jack and Sammy long time friends of Jimmy. It was a wonderful night - and a beautiful end to a very special week.

I have been asking myself all week - why am I here? It has felt very important for me to understand why my life's journey brought me to to South America. Yesterday AB and I spend the day - going over videos and interviews - and really reflecting on where we had been all week......... and that felt really solid and clear... the purpose for me being in Peru - being the learning..... and yesterday felt very positive and purposeful - I am living this blessed life to learn what I need to learn - and to do what I need to do.....

But today has felt quite different. Might be something to do with being more than a little hung over but it also feels like one of those next steps in thinking - just when you think you are getting somewhere - it goes to another level and it starts all over again! What AM I doing here in South America?

But here I am - on my own in the most beautiful little hotel - somewhere in the old town on Bogota. It's Good Friday and I walked through the City tonight watching religious parades in streets full of people, hawkers selling incense in Inca Kola cans, churros and all sorts of strange things that I didn't recognise.... then I talked to young woman about the reality of the education of her son.... that was good consolidated much of yesterday's thinking....

I am here because I am here - and that was the lesson of Peru - we are here to live our individual lives and we have the responsibility to do exactly that - to recognise and treasure every precious second of our existence..... easy for me to say? Yes - but am I here in Bogota in order to learn this lesson - or because I am living my life on this basis - the chicken and the egg question!

I do feel a profound gratitude and so I should!

Off again..................

It's Sunday night and I'm off again tomorrow for three weeks - tomorrow Amsterdam - Friday Lima, for a week - the a weekend in Bogota - then Medellin and then back to Amsterdam for an afternoon with Jimmy - to hear about his time in Qatar - he's there now.

Last weekend was wonderful - 18 family members in the Lake District - and it just reinforced my understanding of how amazingly blessed I am - as it was..... wonderful - can't think of any other words to describe it - every moment was precious. We stayed in two big wooden Lodges, warm and welcoming, walked three of my favourite walks, ate together, laughed together, swam and talked.... and were family together.... and it was just perfect. My Mum was so happy - been over to see her this afternoon with a big montage of photographs and she is still holding very close to herself - the memory of just how much she enjoyed it... and so am I!

My boys gave me a ceremonial drum which they had had made for me for my birthday - which I love - it has an eagle flying on it - and I have been playing it - I will use for ceremony, sound journeys and meditation - and as I have never had or been able to play an instrument before - it is very special to me - though I can't take it away with me this time.

Am feeling restless tonight - which is normal the night before I go away... thinking about what I need  to take with me ..... I like to pack light - but Amsterdam in March is cold and Peru is hot - and it is a mixture of work and holiday... very little space - which is good - but I need to focus on what I will need...

Went to Gilly's for dinner on Friday night and and had a liquid lunch with Pat and Nita yesterdayand have spent the rest of the weekend sorting stuff - I like to change and wash my my sheets and leave the flat tidy etc before I go away - I have also ended up tonight doing complicated music/audio book  related stuff between ipods/pads/phones etc - which always seem to take me longer than I expect! I have just seen that I have 15,395 songs in my itunes - so I can see why it has taken a while tonight to sort! And of course I have to work out my knitting for the plane journeys - currently takes up half of my carry on bag - but will leave the final decision on that until the morning!

So all of this is just displacement activity prior to going away - writing this whilst trying to work out what I have done to my music  - and seem to have lost my audio books - and it's getting late - and I'm tired ...... and am not certain if Icloud music will work on the plane - because there is no wifi... Ok time to go to bed!

Life is something else!

... but not quite certain what?

It's Thursday evening - I have just been out for dinner with my three beautiful sons and Lara - Rob arrived last Saturday and Jimmy, Alex and Lara today - tomorrow we all meet up with my Mum, sisters and family in the Lake District - 18 of us - 4 generations - supposedly celebrating my birthday - but basically just being family.... how blessed is that... to be us - I feel so humbled by this thought - how precious is this.......

We are going to Brockwood Hall, staying in two lodges, a place so close to Broughton and Eccleriggs where my Mum and Dad had their caravan for 18 years - so much part of my life - and my children's lives - a place where they ran wild, made dens in the woods, climbed mountains, learnt to swim, played card and just enjoyed themselves - a wonderful part of their childhood - my children have been so lucky too........

To be with them tonight was just 'precious' I can't think of any other word for it........

I am in my flat, Lara has gone to bed and the boys have gone down town - off to meet Jimmy's friends Jack and Sammy before they go off around the world for 6 months - wonderful young people - growing up and spreading their wings... people are amazing - we are amazing!!!

I was listening to my boys talk about their Nan tonight - they recognised her happiness, her love for life ... her wonderfulness - that's pretty cool - when  I told Lara that she and Alex were in in the other  house with Nan, she was so pleased - genuinely delighted to be staying close to Nan..... bufffff - that's getting me emotional - I can see this weekend will be just full of emotion.. but in a good way - just a joyous appreciation of the wonderful people in my life - bufffffffffffffffffff - feeling it again!!

OK - so I shall just do my utmost to enjoy every 'precious' (that word again) second of this weekend - to be thankful and appreciative  - and to count my blessings without judgement, conditions or expectation of anything other than the recognition of how lucky I am to be me...... 

To be alive is extraordinary - though sometimes it can feel pretty bonkers, crazy and scary - but hey we're here - we're alive - so let's enjoy every precious second of the journey!!!

time is going so quickly

It is extra-ordinary - but time is just flashing by at the moment!

It is Friday afternoon and in half an hour I will be off to the airport to fly to Belfast - I am staying with Steph for the weekend and then a busy week ending up in Edinburgh - all being well home next Friday - in time for Rob arriving on Saturday - my birthday celebrations continuing!

I was in London on Tuesday/Wednesday.... and something happened which was out of the ordinary. I had been at a Workshop on the Wednesday and it was good fun to be a participant not an organiser -  and I met a fellow Sound Healer - from Norway -  though the course was nothing to do with healing - however, the connection was strong - and we went deep quickly.

After the workshop we went for a short walk together and talked - deeply - but what happened next was very unexpected - I left and caught the tube to Euston station when  I had this overwhelming - not certain how to describe it - sort of wave of energy hit - it was very strong - I ended up wondering around Euston station in a wierd sort of state - all good - but very bonkers - and now I am still not able to really understand what happened.....

................ it's now Saturday at Stephs - I ran out of time yesterday - it's quite late and Steph and Kerry have gone to bed but I am feeling very wide awake so thought I'd finish my blogg!

Today has been lovely - we got up late and breakfasted well - then gently toured the beautiful Antrim coast - lots of laughter, love and the Giant's Causeway - special day - then we returned to Steph's and I did two Healing sessions. Both of which were wonderful.

Am very aware of the gap between where I am and where I might be seen  to be  - and possibly/probably am are quite a distance apart - and that this gap is getting bigger - I do feel I am living in two different worlds - though I am also aware that these two lives overlap.

I am also increasingly sure that I have to be open about this......... the fact that I am living in two sorts of worlds.

OK - so am living a truly blessed life - very happy, very busy doing what I believe to be the right things to do - and  at the same time  I am living this other  sort of alternative, bonkers and beautiful life!!!!!

Saturday night......

Have felt aware that I have not blogged for a while - tonight is Saturday night/ now actually Sunday morning/ quite late - after an evening with Gilly - eating tapas, drinking wine and talking deep - like we do!

Uncertainty/certainty is where I am at the moment - at every level - really feeling that I know 'stuff' but also feeling that I am at the being at the point of 'knowing nothing'.

...... but also knowing in my heart that I do know - way to go...... not coherent - but good!

How fast time is moving................

...... maybe it's just me - but I don't think so...... but time seems to be hurtling by at an extraordinary rate - and life does seem a bit of a bluuuuurrrrrrrr!!!!

Well - it's Saturday evening - after a big week for me - suddenly my future seems clearer - but also more unknown - so that's really good - and I am embracing that - holding close to me the preciousness of the 'unknown'. But hey - who knows anything, anyway?

Had a lovely day today -  spent time with my Mum - finally giving her the Christmas shawl I had knitted for her - which I had left in the suitcase in Croatia, The shawl is knitted from the most extraordinary gossamer soft, beautifully coloured wool - I knitted it over a few months - including the weekends I was on the sound healers course - it was really difficult to knit as the wool was so thin - and the pattern was bit weird - not going to use free download Internet patterns again!

However, the resultant shawl is actually very lovely. I had knitted it for her to put round her shoulders when she feels 'sad'. She's amazing and so positive but there are times when she just 'feels sad' - and I often talk to her about this - because it's OK to sometimes 'feel sad' - but she just misses my Dad so much.

This is the photo that I took of my Dad when my Mum was recovering from surgery in June 2011 - she was intensive care and Jimmy and I had called in to my parents house prior to going the hospital - I had asked my Dad to 'send Mum your love' and I took this photo into my Mum - and held it close to her. The Christmas before last I got it put on canvas (Gilly's suggestion) and she has the photo so close to her all the time - especially when she feels a bit sad. Today I told her the detailed story again - as she forgets - but she also loves to hear the story - about how my Dad is sending her his love though the camera. Looking at the photo - he is!!!!

Anyway the shawl is also linked to this - because I want to be with my Mum when she feels the loneliness and sadness - but am not, so had knitted the shawl for her to put round her shoulders when she felt sad. So it was a special time together today - as we talked - and we were together - and we both know these times are finite - so we were both treasuring the time together. Bufffff! the beautifulness of consciously treasuring our time together - if we could all do this with all our relationships - to treat and love everyone in our lives with the knowledge that our time together is finite, special and to be treasured - way to go Mum - what a lesson!

She was also particularly happy after Ann had organised a great visit to London last weekend. Travelling first class on the train, staying at Max's, revisiting the street where she had been born, lunch at Bryony's - she was just full of gratitude and happiness - and at 92 what more is there - but hey - at any age what more is there????

OK time is moving fast - but every precious moment is to be treasured - how blessed are we to be alive, here and now!!!!!!!!!

being me - part 2!!

Strangely I've started to blogg a couple of times over the last week - but not actually been able to pull together a blogg to publish - which is weird - and the first time I have ever done this - in terms of starting by writing a few sentences - and then just giving up and not saving/publishing the blogg.

OK - so feel I need to complete something tonight. It is Sunday - my birthday was last Saturday - and it feels like so much 'stuff' has shifted/moved on. I hadn't really anticipated my 60th birthday being such a huge point of change - but - it really, really has been - and this has also taken me by surprise. Probably one of the reasons why the blogg never got written - it just felt like so much was changing - day by day.

I have been thinking about what this change has been - and I now know it is one of certainty - I now just feel very clear about what and who I am! Wow never thought I'd be able to write that!!!!!! But yes - I do feel clearer about who I am - and loving the multi-dimensional aspects of this person - me! On one level being clear about me - who I am - but this recognition also meaning - that I am deliciously unclear - about what this will look like in reality. That sounds like a contradiction - but it's not.

New year - was amazing - a purification - a real getting rid of so much! Followed by the beautifulness of becoming 60 - and with that - such a joy and gratitude for being me - this amazing 60 year old - wise woman! Yes she is pretty crazy, bonkers and unpredictable - but you know what - who cares -it's great being me!!!!

It's been a surprisingly big thing reaching this next decade - and unexpected - this week has also been one of making decisions - about myself, my work, my future. I have no idea where I will be in 3 years time - in terms of what I will be doing, where I will be living, who I will be with -  3 pretty fundamental aspects of my life!! And decisions I made this week are all part of this process of change and moving on - AND JUST SO EXCITING!

But the clarity has been about embracing being ME - and the freedom of being open to - and up for change. I think when I was turning 30, 40 and 50 - this was unimaginable.  That's not to say I wasn't happy - because in many ways I was - and secure - as Chris's wife, the boys Mum - job was less secure - but I was happy being an educational entrepreneur - with all that involved. But now - I have a greater sense of personal freedom and with this the joy of embracing the unknown - and living each precious day as just that - a 'precious moment'.

I think much of this sense of clarity is about my personal sense of  knowing - and that is very much based on my spiritual journey - which has been such an accelerated roller coaster  - over the last decade - especially in the 6 years since Chris died. It has been funny reflecting on the last ten years - and going 'Yes - they've been amazing' and then thinking - 'Oh and by the way my beautiful man of 35 years died in the middle of that decade!' But of course Chris's death was also such a huge trigger for personal change and growth - and looking back - I am proud of myself - as I did end up growing so much as a consequence of what was such a potentially devastating life change - the sudden death of my partner of 35 years.

So I am now 60 -  and this has been celebrated in several lovely ways - I am so very blessed! Planning a future of unknowns - and embracing the fact that anything could happen tomorrow - way to go!!!!!

 

Being me.....

 .... and being 60!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am amazed at how old I am - not quite 60 yet - that happens on Saturday - and I have decided already that I will love being 60 - and NOT apologise for it!

It's funny 'cos I say to people - it's my birthday and I'm 60 - and they say 'I'm so sorry - you don't look it!'  - and I understand this - over the last few years I haven't  broadcast my age - mid 50's - late 50's - keep it quiet and maybe no-one will notice! But I have decided  I am proud to be 60 - recognising how lucky I am to be 60 - joyously enjoying being ME - who by the way happens to be 60! How amazing it is to be 60 - recognising that Michael never made 20, Jan never made 40, Chris never made 60 - my Dad never made 100!

Life is for living - every precious - to be treasured - moment of it.

So I will be 60 on Saturday - deliciously enjoying my life - of course I find some things hard - finding some moments require a big breath to walk into -  but overall having a ball!

Had a great conversation with Gilly on Saturday evening - after a perfect day - First Birthday Celebration - a muddy, laughter filled walk with Perri, Gilly, Rachel and boys.... mud, laughter, lunch, more laughter and eventually Gilly and I doing what we do so well - drinking wine and talking. It was a great day and a beautifully deep conversation.....

When I was in Spain I reflected a lot about our own 'unique life journey' - and how they can be seen as being like an individual drop of water in an ocean. I do see the journey of our souls as being on their very own personal journey - but all of us together being on a collective journey. Anyway on Saturday evening Gilly and I talked deeply  - reflecting on how our lives are so very different - though also very connected through our own shared histories - and as we talked it became clear to both of us how our own personal challenges are just so very different - but we also saw the 'ocean' which is our combined journey - it was a great conversation.

OK so now it's Tuesday - though it feels like Thursday - I have been remarkably busy this week! My Mum is good - talked to her just now - she has paid half of Jim's flight to visit Rachel in Qatar - and she is enjoying that - remembering her own time apart from her Jimmy - (70 years ago) and loving that she has enabled her youngest grandchild to be with his love - as she described it, in the 'ups and downs stage' of their relationship - by which she means living in the uncertainty of their shared future - but living their lives on the basis that will be together - inter-generational connectivity. That looks like a lot of words - but it is actually very simple - my Mum recognises the love of Jimmy and Rachel - and she relates it to her own love for her Jimmy - my Dad. Buffff - beautiful - love it....

So 60 on Saturday - my whole life ahead of me - and enjoying the 'knowing nothing' about what will be - but loving the reality that it could be anything!!!!!

2013.....

........ started on top of a Spanish hillside - as I 'danced' in the new year by taking a Shamanic journey with Grandmother Bear and Owl.

Now I definitely would never have written such a statement if Chris was still alive!

But that's what I did - I danced deep and I danced alone - and I danced the edge of being in a group but also on my own. I danced in the year I will be 60 - and I danced with purpose.

OK so what does that all mean?

The process was one of purification - and I feel very much that I have been on a timeless journey. Nurtured and cherished by Oya and Michael and the group of other dancers, challenged by my own journey - it was a special time.

I got back last Thursday to a flat full of Rachel and Jimmy - counting the days until they are apart for several months as Rachel goes to Qatar to stay with her parents soon. I went to work on Friday and the weekend has been full of visits, my Mum, a Gilly dinner and a Smiley afternoon - then tomorrow morning I go to Innsbruck.

The new year has started!!!!!!!