Gijon......

....and it is amazing .... to be here .... to be part of this family - I'm with Alex, Lara and Rob.... we no longer have a family home ... and only two of us live in Liverpool - when we are there - so it seems very right and natural to be as a family in Spain - though what is also amazing is that I have been here - in family - four other times in last two weeks in Croatia, Slovenia, Liverpool and at my parents in Cheshire.

The feeling of connectivity is so strong and so special ... and growing .... we are part of the family of the future.....

Christmas 2010

Am sat in my parents front room whilst my three boys do a crossword with my Mother and my Father dozes. A wonderful family Christmas with my Mother glowing with happiness as her big grandsons joke and tease around her. My Father absolutely on top of everything including the cricket scores, whilst my Mother remembers and forgets in equal measure..... My Father's frailty more obvious, but his attention to detail wonderful, making us grapefruit at 4.30 in the morning as he didn't do it earlier!

There are a flock of long tailed tits in the garden and my Mother has come and sat next to me to watch them. Time to go........

Wonderful evening....

... and it was - just that - a truly wonderful evening - magic.

I had arranged to meet Gilly tonight with Jim and Alex, as we go to my parents tomorrow and I only came back on Monday...... anyway it ended up - unexpectedly - as Gilly, Vanessa, Jimmy, Alex, Aziz, Jamal and Perri and I having a really great night out - we went to Chili Banana - and the boys were just so funny, all of them just playing off against each other, laughing, joyful, teasing, beautifully witty at each other's expense ... just being themselves, knowing each other so well, being open and honest and just so funny....wonderful young people... and when we weren't laughing we were all talking........ honest and heartfelt.

A real sense of family, touching base with Chris and Heff, recognising and appreciating shared history ... being us.. and enjoying every second of it.. way to live... wonderful!!!!

Varazdin, Velenje and now home....

.... and wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am still so utterly amazed at the connectivity of it all - I saw, and watched a webcam in 1999.... http://cip.foi.hr/index.php/foi-web-cam before we went on our first holiday to Croatia .... and now I am officially part of the FOI, I have been given only their second Charter as Friend of FOI - when I spoke on receiving this - I said - 11 years ago I saw a web cam and now you honour me like this ... and my life is so intrinsically wrapped up in Varazdin with work etc ..... but also my son now lives here!!!! Wow wow wow.. extraordinary!

Then I go onto to Velenje - to my Slovenian sister - we discussed this - how did this happen?? But our lives, our children's lives - Jimmy came with me, Jan was there... they already know each other so well etc etc .... we just know and connect so much with each other - so Varazdin and Velenje are about an hour and half drive away from each other, in two countries (though with a shared history - not always easy) yet I know both of these from different routes - how absolutely amazing is this... no it was just meant to be....

... bufffff - so didn't get back in time for the dancing party ... but I had such a beautiul dance in Varazdin..... just glowing with love and life.... I know ... but I just have to write it - how blessed am I?..........................

So much seems to be happening...............

............on so many levels but particularly in my spiritual journey. It has been a roller coaster of a week and I have had huge highs and lows. It feels like I am veering between poles, oscillating between extremes of .... emotion... not quite emotion - I wrote in an email to a friend last week - 'I veer between a beautiful certainty and a huge void of not knowing anything' and I have been thinking about this, at the back of my mind all week, and I suppose it is exactly where I am.

The 'huge certainty' is growing, it is becoming clearer and much more defined, it is becoming real. The huge void of 'not knowing anything' is the trough between the waves, and as the waves build up increasing in momentum....... the crests are becoming higher, wilder, fiercer and even more bedecked with white horses, whilst the troughs continue in between...... plateaus of stillness, of taking breath.... they are also actually really beautiful ... and maybe need to be just that - points of stillness before the next wave, rather than voids of not knowing.

... and so I think this is where I am - after a very reflective peaceful day, I have meditated a lot today and given myself the time to be and to read etc as a consequence I sit here now in a state of huge and wonderfully beautiful certainty! Maybe I should just spend my life meditating - it just fills me with joy..... but I live in the real world... and I suppose I'm back to waves again.... only this time the trough is the 'beautiful certainty' and the real world the 'white horse bedecked wave' - wow - could be right!!!

post script..

.. and of course Chris as a consequence had no fear of death.. what a wonderful teacher!

Catching up with myself................

.... a quiet weekend, a combination of not going to the EI, having nothing planned and the weather. But it is amazing, I was talking to Margaret this morning - for 2 hours - I do have beautiful long phone calls with so many people - that I have hardly gone out of the house all weekend - yet since Friday afternoon I have communicated with so many people, email, phone, Facebook, What app, Skype.... in over 20 countries!!!! How staggering is that.. the technology is truly amazing.... One click away from... some quite passive - an email - some deep - long telephone conversations - I love my phone package - some short and funny touch base technology like texts - just a few words - wow it is really extraordinary - and now such a way of life... our children are growing up with this......Wow wow wow.....

So weather cold, just love my new flat - one switch away from warmth - small and cozy. Well I only keep one room warm - but it's just lovely, sitting at my window after a beautiful sunny day - it's now foggy and cold - weather to be indoors!

Have been invited to Croatia the week after next, which I am going to go to with Jimmy - and we will see Rob in his new land - and several dear friends.... so an unexpected journey - and lovely as they are giving me some form of recognition - how extraordinary is that - it just makes me laugh so much with joy.

I know that I have more connections than many people, but I also know that the connections are coming - young people increasingly connect globally. I have been thinking about this today, it is only 4 years but the connections are so much stronger than when Chris was here. I also thought about how Chris loved two countries especially - Spain - particularly Northern Spain and Croatia..... and my life is now so intertwined with both of them - Alex and Lara and Asturias and Rob living in Varazadin! Planning to visit both of them in the next month - to meet people who are so in my life - extraordinary.

In one email I wrote this weekend I said I was fearless and I am - I have no idea about where my future will take me, or that of my children, or my team at work - but even as I feel this uncertainty, I have no fear..... that's amazing. Fear is such a huge negative nonsense, it does nothing but 'petrify' ..... builds up bogies.. I learnt that from my lovely man ... Chris lived without fear - he had been run over by a train and lost both of his legs above the knees, lived in pain, yet lived a wonderful, happy and fulfilled life - WITHOUT FEAR - way to go!!!!!!

uncertainty............

am debating what to do.... which is interesting - I am increasingly living with such a strong feeling of certainty it is quite unusual to feel quite so uncertain! Wow - re-reading that - !!!! I know I live with certainty but seeing it in black and white is something else. Yes I do live with a very strong sense of certainty - it is very beautiful - I usually make decisions very quickly and feel very 'right' about them - that doesn't mean I always do the right/best thing - it means that I go with what feels 'right' at the time and then accept the consequences of my decisions - as 'what was meant to be!'

So I am living with a decision - probably quite a small one - but no decision is small as they all have consequence - my decision is whether to go to Spirithorse this weekend for an EI - and I now realise that I am trying to find reasons why not to go - which is weird because I was really looking forward to going - and part of me still does want to go - but there is also a part of me which really doesn't want to go - for some reason - as yet to defined.

Well blogg - I think I have made a decision - not certain why - but if I can write it so clearly that I don't want to go - then that is a feeling of certainty..... yet I hesitate - wow - there is a lot of uncertainty here!

OK - I think I am still tired from travelling - or more likely not sleeping whilst travelling - so maybe I should just accept this - sleep on my decision- I'm even hesitating to publish this blogg - I seem to have become a completely indecisive person - so if I am honest - which I try to be with my blogg - I should accept that I am going through a period of indecision - Ok and that's linked to feeling vulnerable and a bit lonely - but that's Ok too.

Proud and in Barcelona!

Today my son Alex had his viva for his PhD - and passed! Am so proud of him - am in Barcelona - which seems very apt - and poignant as I was here with Chris for New Year in 2005 when I got my MBE - both weird things really - meaningful yet also meaningless!

Buff - does question why we do what we do - day in - day out - the energy we put into our life works - wonderful, creative energy - and what we focus it on - I talked to Alex the weekend before last and he talked with passion about his love of the detail of solving 'bits' the day to day of physics experimenting - tiny bits of knowledge bulding on other tiny bits of knowledge - but he also has a BIG question that he contextualises his bits of knowledge within - his luck is to have a framework - physics ***** to focus in on.

Am at an amazing conference which is blowing my mind - and the tiny picture in the context of the big picture - and beyond - is where I am right now. Had such a powerful clarity of thinking this afternoon - will take quite a while to come down from! However the thinking is only a part of it - the 'feeling' of it is actually more powerful - buff this is also a roller-coaster - highs and lows - I always feel pain when in America - but the grief I grieved yesterday morning in Washington was immense - it was nearly over-whelming.

OK - so am in Barcelona - at a very stimulating conference, am also a proud mother of a Doctor and am living my life wonderfully - if rawly - maybe you have to feel grief to really appreciate joy.

Washington

Am staying at Brenda and Dan's in Washington and it is lovely, I have known them for probably about 12 years and there is something special about catching up with old friends. I haven't seen Brenda since her move to DC and we have both had loads to catch up on, so it has been a lovely couple of days, talking families and children etc etc. Brenda has gone to get her hair cut and Dan is preparing yet another feast and I'm checking in online for tomorrow's flights. So thought I'd have a quick blogg!

I also really enjoyed Arizona, both work and the place, and had a very good few days there. It was a very small seminar about 25 or so people, and a real opportunity to reflect and to think deeply. I loved it. We also got the opportunity to go out to the desert and I loved that too, big big skies.... and lots of cactuses.... the weather was also perfect, very dry but really sunny.. beautiful.

Things to do tomorrow then fly to Barcelona for another conference... strange where life takes you... and how blessed am I.

Strangely restless...........

I suppose it's because I'm travelling tomorrow - Tuscon, Arizona, then Washington DC and then Barcelona.... all good stuff and I will see some lovely old friends and I am sure to meet many wonderful new people - how lucky am I - and it's my job!!!

But tonight I feel unsettled and twitchy.... I love to travel, and to be in other places, I suppose I'm not certain at the moment where I want to be... but that's good too!!! I love my little flat - yesterday I had my Mum and Dad and two of my beautiful sons for Sunday dinner, and we were joined later by my sisters Ann and Fiona and little Aidan, so a perfect day....

Today work was busy, but that's good and tonight I went dancing which is always good... so not certain where the restlessness is coming from. Probably just getting ready to travel... it will be a long day tomorrow - it will be a long night tonight if I don't watch it as I haven't packed and got myself sorted, or eaten properly, or had a bath and it's nearly 11! Oh well I shall sleep on various planes tomorrow!

I have had a few amazing weeks, correction a few amazing months, no we are getting on to years - well an amazing lifetime... might not know what I'm doing but I do know I am extraordinarily blessed..... but that makes me feel restless, to be so fortunate is amazing...bufff I can't seem to write a blogg without going bufff - I am just so blessed.. suppose I shouldn't fight it... just accept how lucky I am .. and do my best to live my life accordingly.... so tonight I do seem to be in a pretty strange place... but not for long - that's me!!!

Away and back again...................

................and this time it's almost impossible to say where I've been.......

Ok physically to Bristol, Stroud, Devon and Dorset with lots of wonderful times, like swinging on the most perfect rope swing in the world hanging from the branch of a huge beech tree - over a very steep slope in the heart of a wooded valley. Being a child again, in the company of children, dangling upside down - being pushed in huge circles, rolling in golden, orange and red leaves, laughing with perfect joy.

Then a weekend of Ceremony, beautiful red rocked bay, enormity of what we did - jumping up and living again.

Then getting very drunk at the house of dear friends - abusing their hospitality.

So lots of extremes here.

Bufff - my life is one hell of a wonderful roller coaster!

Feeling very alive which is wonderful. Have also a very strong sense of not knowing - not knowing what next.... I could have never have seen myself being where I am now, and where I have been over the last few days, even a few months ago, but it feels very natural and evolutionary - it feels like just being... and amazing.. apart from last night which was actually also amazing because I don't usually behave like that.

So back home, feel my lovely little flat is really home, whilst I was away I bought a beautiful wall hanging which I'm just deciding where to put - women dancing - the bond is strong! Dancing through my life, with wonderful people, feeling at home with life as well as my flat!!

Inspiring...............................

Glowing with happiness after the Spirithorse Women's Lodge.... happiness being a word which represent something much deeper and even more beautiful! Trying to find the right words here .... and have just accepted that this blogg will just be full of superlatives and will be completely just one long stream of joyousness!!!!!

OK - so where am I - recognising and loving the fact that I am a truly delicious, beautiful and sexy woman... wow ... accepting this fact has not been an easy process... but it is a reality and one that tonight that I accept... buffff.....

Behind this acceptance is a journey, my journey.........

Beyond this........my purpose, my reason for living.................

So a lightweight weekend then!

So joyous, blessed, heartfelt, blissful - so don't expect any sense from me for the next few days..... life is just so fantastic and I am just so grateful.... but also so happy..... buff way to be..................

waves have peaks and troughs

It is Saturday night and I'm feeling very vulnerable,not sure why, but think it is all about recognising that life has it's downs as well as ups! I am quite impatient with myself because I am such a lucky person with so much in her life, I don't think I have a right to feel a bit down. I had a lovely week, was as high as a kite in Barcelona, on a roll, wonderful, ideas swooping and soaring, connections being made, recognised and loved.

But now I feel quite lonely, but also understand and recognize that everybody feels like this at some time, and many people feel like this much much more than I do. So I do question my right to be down. Renata has just skyped me, which was lovely and just what I needed, her enthusiasm and joy was beautiful. I told her I was feeling lonely, and in particular that I am missing Rob very much, I am also aware that I will miss Hector when he goes to India next Friday, his Visa having finally arrived! She commented very rightly that I have lived my adult life surrounded by men and boys. As Chris's wife and a mother of three beautiful sons, I have been so lucky to live my life in the centre of men and boys.

This had resonances with other conversations I have had recently, I am missing men in my life! That doesn't take absolutely anything away from my wonderful female friends but it is a fact as I have been so lucky to live my life with a wonderful man, and little boys who grew into wonderful men. It was also Chris's birthday this week and that was also quite poignant. I sometimes think that I haven't really moved on as much as I thought I had. Though maybe the reality is always two steps forward and one step back.

So I suppose, and accept, that the joy of life, the dance of life, is just not a straight line! Like all dances you go forward and backwards, so I am a dancer of life, like all of us, and my life goes forward, but it also does little pirouettes, twist and turns, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always a joy.

This has been a good blogg, because by writing this down, although I am not writing it I am dictating it!! But by writing my blogg I have taken the time to recognize important things, it's okay to miss people, it's okay to recognize that two steps forward does involve one step back, the wave of living is reality. By accepting reality, I am able to find the happiness which is me and my lucky lucky life.

hooray for technology!!!

Well I have done it, finally got the technology of the voice operated software and the connections working at home, I also seem to have got rid of the little white Chinese ants which have been marching around my keyboard, and have a headset that works. like all these things, to actually get something working requires all the bits, even and especially those bits that you don't understand, to actually work together! However, I have done it so I can now do my first ever dictated Blog.

It's quite early on Sunday morning, and in a while I will go for a day's dancing, my heart sings at the prospect. Yesterday I passed all responsibility Roberts house to the agent, and tomorrow his tenant moves in. Jimmy is in Leeds, Alex and Lara are in the Netherlands discussing whether Alex should accept the job in Paris, and Rob is in Varazdin and tomorrow I go to Barcelona for a couple of days. What an international family we have become.

My new flat is very quiet, I can hear the sound of a couple of crows but beyond that nothing really, which is amazing when I consider that I live in the heart of a big city. Sitting here talking into my computer I can look up at the sky and see the amazing beauty of the clouds. I am really into clouds at a moment, when I went to London on Tuesday I was sat in the train looking at the clouds, like you do, and the light was pouring in across the countryside, looking like golden rain straight lines of light, pouring down onto the earth. It was so beautiful that I wanted to say to my fellow passengers, hey have you seen that amazing light, I didn't, though maybe I should have!!

The voice operated Blog, could well be quite different from previous ones, as it is a real joy just to talk and not to type, even with a fully functioning right hand I am still very slow typist.

So my life has changed again, I now have a new way of communicating, my family is spreading itself across Europe and my heart is singing with joy, and both the right and the left hand side of my body are excited at the thought of the day's dancing.

tonight i'm torn............

typing with one finger after a frustrating night trying to get both voice activated software and home computer connection working - have been very accepting - but!! - it's all about what I'm learning - but like life - reality is hard - learning is not easy - bufff glad I'm blogging - have struggled tonight and - bufff - going into acceptance .... it all makes sense..............

so much happening.. feel joy in my heart about this - but recognising - daily - that the pace of change is getting faster and faster.......

so i am in the strange world of one finger, left hand......... and it is slowing me .... but know that this is right... it is learning - conscious learning - wow - life is just amazingly fantastic - isn't it !!

it continues - but with left hand......

...my right hand/wrist has tendinitis - a story in itself - so I should not use my right hand - but I'm right handed!!!!!! so am now operating computer plus everything else - by my left hand - or left fore finger .... bonkers plus!!!!

Typing etc IS SO SLOW - with one finger left hand........... this makes work very difficult - but there is also - the reality that I am also loving the learning that this process involves - I only type what I must/have to/want to .............. because it is a real effort...

Anyway chose to blogg tonight - nothing to do with left hand - but because the emotion of last few days needed a home!

So Rob safely in Croatia - police certificate plus ongoing house legacy aside.... a result...

.......and Jimmy painting and taking responsibility for Rob's house refurbishment etc - what a star|

Alex & Lara back home in Cambridge - but facing - and addressing - lots of questions about their future....

Me here.... but totally accepting that I have to just be me ... one finger left hand - only responsibility being for myself... recognising what this means AND LOVING IT!!!

emotional evening............................

......... yes it was an emotional evening - Rob goes to Croatia tomorrow .... his house not yet finished.... but getting there.... work for us..... plus Alex submitted his PhD thesis yesterday - he seems pretty cool...but.......all here tonight ... me being in some kind of 'warp' ... bufff .. tonight the emotion between us all was palpable ..... and at times very painful but also really honest - love and loss............ the duality... not easy.

But in many ways a beautiful night ... I have had my personal couple of days of remarkable dysfunctionality - but tonight there was me and my boys and Lara plus Nita, Pat and Gilly ... family... doing what family does best which is to love each other - despite and because .........

... deliciously bonkers...............

Well the wonderful combination of the weekend followed by dancing tonight - has left me feeling just that - deliciously bonkers!!

I danced crazily tonight - it felt like I was arguing with my whole body - but also joyfully accepting the argument - danced the whole night relishing being lopsided - see what I mean about completely bonkers!!

In the circle at the end - I said I had had this argument/struggle and someone said he thought I had danced 'very honestly' which was a wonderful thing to hear - because that's where I was - open and honest - though it must have looked and certainly felt pretty bonkers!!!

The other side of this is that - ' deliciously bonkers' is also a very good place to be - to be living my life - to be consciously alive - to breath - to exist in human form - to be what we are - a unique being and to be all that we have in this lifetime.... is wonderful - but also deliciously bonkers - the only way to live!

A weekend going deeper.........................

......... and I did! Absolutely amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few years ago - can't remember when - but after Chris died - I asked for 'teachers' - did my own version of a ceremony to bring them into my life - as at that time I felt so bereft and lost - I wanted 'teachers' to tell me the solutions, the way forward, the way out.....

..... I have blogged before about the 'teachers' in my life - including recognising Chris as such a huge teacher in my life...... I still want to recognise their importance but this weekend has fundamentally changed my thinking about what they actually do ....

Firstly I do, from the bottom of my heart, recognise how important they are... but it's exactly what they do - that I now know... from beautiful first hand experience.

Teachers are 'Guides to Learning' - they don't 'teach' - by giving you answers - they 'enable your learning.' .... by giving you the space for you to learn.... or 'holding the space' for learning...

... because that's what's also changed this weekend - my understanding of learning.... I have now moved on from 'learning' to 'consciously learning' ... wow ... that's like the difference between ' being happy' and being 'consciously happy'.... wow wow wow!!!

I have just returned from a Tantra weekend where along with 8 others I was enabled to explore my 'Energy Body' ( by a brilliant teacher) and where and how it links with my 'Physical Body'. Truly beautiful and wonderfully amazing...... but the biggest thing I got from it was about 'learning'....

... my learning.... and wow ... how much I am learning .... so so so much ... my world is deep with learning ... truly beautiful conscious learning... and being so aware of what I'm learning. The bufff bit is how that everything that I have learnt - about myself and who and what I am (EI questions!) cannot be taught but must be learnt ... or more precisely remembered - because the answer to these questions is not learnt, cannot be taught and must be remembered. Which of course I knew!!!!!

So I have been deep within myself, enabled by a fantastic teacher, and remembered so much... bufff am truly blissful tonight.....

back home....

.. head still full of Mum and Dad... it was a truly special week.... got back yesterday afternoon - found my Mum's walking stick in my car when I got to Liverpool! - today has been quite a hard working day ... called round with a bacon butty for Rob - as he has no kitchen - and ended up working with him to tile the kitchen floor! We worked well together - the pressure is building up - he goes to Croatia a week on Saturday - and the house is still serious 'work in progress' - though after today he does have a tiled kitchen floor!!

But it was lovely to be helpful.. cos I've not really done anything on his house - and he has done so much... on his own.. he has never really done much DIY - so to completely gut and refurbish a house in 2 months is pretty impressive - and a lot of hard work - I think he has really missed his dad - as Chris was a great person - 'to be there' - when you needed him - to talk through stuff etc and I haven't been there for Rob - too busy flitting around the world - doing my own thing - also in some ways - Rob had to do this on his own....

Yes .. am so proud of Rob... also know that we have (as does he) unresolved stuff - but also love the fact that we are just getting on and living life with this knowledge - recognising that we can 'cat and dog' very easily - though neither of us knowing quite why... and hey maybe we will never know ...... and that sounds like a way forward!

So - here I am daughter - and mother - doing both the best I can - but also recognising that I have to be me first - can only do the other two when I am happy being me.........

Healing.............

....tonight - my beautiful Father - a man of few words these days - because he is so deaf - just couldn't stop talking .... for wonderful hours - he just talked and talked and talked....... about his childhood, his parents, his brother and sisters, his friends, his uncle and other members of his family, his early married life, his daughters, his life, his regrets.... it was a truly wonderful night...... feel very overwhelmed by it .... but also feel it was a night of healing for him and for my Mum ... who listened ... she didn't always want to ... and that was part of my role to over-rule her ..... so my lovely Dad talked and talked and talked.... and me and my Mum listened to him.... buffffffffff.

Loving this.....

.... life feels very fragile - and am very conscious of this.... have had wonderful deep conversations with both my parents - and my lovely cousin Lizzie - the fragility is the time - so short - our human lives - and the sense of opportunity - to be here - and to be able to have these conversations...... wonderful.

Last night I talked with my Mother in a way I have never done before .. totally honestly and totally open - both of us - really really beautiful. I had been dancing in Totnes with Lizzie - her first time and a pretty intense session to start with! My parents had waited up for me and my Mum just really wanted to talk - so we did !!!!!! The dance had left me very open and I think my Mum saw this and wanted to come with me - there are lots of ways of describing our conversation - and they are just that - descriptions - what I want to say is what it 'felt' like - which was such a precious feeling of how both of us were totally connected - it was truly wonderful (full of wonder.)

Today was lovely - one lost walking stick and a bit of a slow start - but the strong sense of rightness and treasuring of the joy of today - conversations, closeness, details which if not right are wrong! - eating together and a lot of laughter - buffff - holidays with nonagenarians are something else!!!!

Poignant day ....

Finding this very emotional - and I'm just doing this for a week - recognised today - that I have friends who have put their whole lives on hold whilst they cared for their elderly parents - made me feel very humble - and in genuine awe at the sacrifices they made.

I suppose I am also feeling very close to my parents mortality - everytime they climb the stepladder stairs to the 'Crows Nest' - for a start!! - also trying to treasure every moment of preciousness - like going to the pub with my Dad - and yes he did the stairs after 2 pints - amazing!!!! The joy of cooking for them - loving their appetite - wasn't really too worried when my Mum got lost this morning - it's been a long day!!!

But wonderful 1st, 2nd and 3rd cousins being here and being family - that's special - being close - by being open - buffff!

bufff emotions....................

Am in Devon with my amazing and very elderly parents - lots and lots of emotions involved with this - on so many levels - which also includes lots of hard to face stuff.

Where I am and where they are - their current total dependence on me - as they are in such a completely strange environment - but also so up for it - and embracing and coping with this - I do love them so much for this - my Mother's wonderful lack of recognition of the reality of their physical capabilities - my Father's humour - harsh - and poignant - the knowledge that I will never have another holiday like this in my life.........................

Details - a completely inappropriate house - on three levels with galley like stairs - wonderful views - but down a cobbled pathway - with no parking........ an amazing house of seafarers with flags and barometers and model ships - but for two frail elderly people - bufff bonkers!!!! - so glad I am here - this would have just been impossible without me - and my Mother's recognition of this - was not easy for her - my Father's acceptance is inspirational.

So I am here - can't remember ever in my life feeling so needed - and what else can I say - think I will have to blogg more this week..............

Getting back to normal..................

........................but hey - what is normal? OK am in Liverpool - that's not always normal for me - and actually feel physically well - and that combination just hasn't been here for several weeks - so it is Sunday morning and I have new music - Jim brought a memory stick of music for me yesterday - which I am loving.

Yesterday was a lovely day - Jim and Rob came round for breakfast - early afternoon - and I cooked a huge fried breakfast and we did the quiz - with Alex and Lara in Cambridge via Skype - it was great - we just had the computer on the table and it was just like Alex was sat there - though he was on his lunch by then!

Then we decided what we will do at Christmas and New Year - as of course we no longer have a big family house to do things in - so we are all going to my parents for Christmas and then Rob, Alex and I will go to Lara's family in Gigon - so I spend ages booking flights - complicated as Rob will be coming from and going back to Croatia.

All change - he is going to work in Varazdin leaving on the 2nd of October - race is now on for him to finish his house before he goes - as that will be rented out - it's currently a shell - though it has now got central heating, water and electricity - which is an improvement on last week! Alex has to submit his PhD by the 30th of September - so the end of September is going to be another point of change for the Jenkins family. Except maybe for Jimmy who is starting his second year - and is just so laid back and happy - and looking so big and gorgeous - shortish hair and a beard!

So Friday night - I made dinner for Hector - we are now friends not teacher and student - we talked about the last nearly two years - as I spoke more to Hector during this time than anyone else - usually twice a week. We laughed at quite how bonkers I have been during this time - truly wonderfully bonkers!! He also said that I had been a good student and how much I had learnt which made me feel good - though I know I can talk in Spanish so much better - but still struggle to understand the spoken word - reading I'm getting a lot better at - well in terms of understanding the generality - booking flights on a Spanish website tested my skills yesterday - will you be taking a pet with you? - is not a standard Easyjet/Ryanair question!!!

Hector should have been leaving for India this weekend but is still in visa no man's land - but hopefully he will be going in a couple of weeks - that's another amazing thing - because when Dr Viswanathan said conversationally he was looking for a native Spanish speaker to head up Spanish in the VIT - I texted Hector and by 11 the next morning he had been offered the job!!! So we will always be good friends as our lives have now become really intertwined.

Saturday night out with Gilly - lovely as we hadn't talked for ages - and of course we did - drink wine and talk - wonderful - I am just so lucky to have such wonderful friends. Today it's family - a lunch for my Dad's 93rd birthday - can't help saying it - how lucky, lucky lucky am I.

So feeling very happy - recognise the responsibility that goes along with that - feel like I glow with happiness - I think that I do pass this to others - would like to think I do - have been thinking about this - consciously passing happiness back - the meaning of life!!!

Exhausted...

.... which is not surprising - also full of cold - came on yesterday - back home and it feels like the sleeping sickness of two weeks ago is back! Went to work but got Robbie to pick me up at lunch time and then I have just slept - he's staying here cos there is no electricity or water in his house - and he has made me chicken noodle soup and been very attentive - which I have been very appreciative of - when awake!!!

Well - last week in the Valley of Dreams - with Spirithorse has been absolutely amazing - and the reason I'm so exhausted is I didn't want to miss a precious second of it - so haven't slept more than a couple of hours a night for a few days. So know I must sleep this off and get back to work properly as I have a lot to do - with deadlines looming.

Spirithorse is going through a period of transition and there was much discussion and recognition of changes occurring. Although I have not been involved for so long - less than two years - I am very much part of the community/family - and that is truly extra-ordinary. Also the times when I meet Spirithorse folk are also extra-ordinary - EIs, Cauldron of Plenty, India - so no half measure or chit chat - straight to the heart and truthful speaking - fierce searching and pure truth. - a heady combination. Also so much fun!!!

Hours of wild dancing for several nights followed by early morning breakfast crewing - and working on the bucket chain to bring slate up to floor the Women's Lodge - has left me in a different place - a beautiful place - but a pretty knackered place!!

Good few days..

Though I have been in a strange place, sleeping hours everyday, waking up and being quite lucid, working for a couple of hours and then drifting off again. Love my new bed - we have really bonded!

In one of the books I read whilst away, the author discussed the three states of existence: Acceptance, Enjoyment and Enthusiasm - and when you are Present you are in one of these. So from the minute I realised I wasn't well - I actively tried to Accept it - and then that did lead, at times, to a state of Enjoyment - can't say I enjoyed the stomach cramps - but as I was trying to listen closely to my body - in a strange way I did! So won't say I am in a state of Enthusiasm for gastroenteritis but I have certainly Accepted being unwell and Enjoyed aspects of it - like my new bed - like being still - like accepting that the work will get done.....

So have decided to stay at home again today - am feeling a lot better but still quite fragile - have started to eat but only small amounts - but can hear my body saying - let's just take it gently Trish!!!

China was really the final leg of a whirlwind few months - very physically demanding as well as a roller-coaster of emotion, change and activity. Looking back I Accepted what was happening pretty well, Enjoyed most of it and was definitely Enthusiastic about parts of it! But roller-coasters have dips as well as peaks and they are important too - as these were the points where I went down and the only way out was to recognise and to feel from my core - gratitude for this life that I have been blessed with.

Teachers have helped and I love the Teachers in my life - and there are so many of them - I am increasingly seeing this - and yesterday when talking to someone - in Hong Kong - like you do! - I said 'Parents learn more from their children than they teach them.' And it was a beautiful moment - as both of us stopped - and from my perspective as a parent and his as a son - the world changed.

But apart from learning from my beautiful sons I am also learning so much from so many people and things around me - including this gastroenteritis bug!! I suppose I am consciously looking for teachers and am open to learning - and using time - like writing this blogg to recognise what I have learnt.

Wow wow wow - I just live in such an amazing world - we all do - learning is about being open - and being open is about being happy - and happiness comes through Accepting what we have, Enjoying what we have and being Enthusiastic for what we have - which cannot occur without total gratitude for what we have! Lucky lucky us!!!

..... and today four young men move into Cheltenham Avenue - my once family home......

Not well!!!!

I obviously picked up something - somewhere on my travels and after a period of time in denial - I have accepted that my body has to be given the time and rest to fight it!

Never have done 'not well' with any grace - Chris used to say I was an awful patient - and I can see why now - I fight my body rather than accepting that it just needs time to get better.

Went into work but left early afternoon as I finally accepted how rough I felt and I could also feel myself falling asleep. Back home I have been drifting in and out of sleep in a strange world. I had been popping Imodium for several days but last night found my homeopathic kit - I'd got for India- and took something - read the instructions carefully which said only take a second one if your body does not feel it is improving. so even though I felt rough all day I felt I was improving - but this evening I took a second one!!

Time to drift away again....................

Back from China.... and what time is it???????

... nearly 6.30 in the morning - so clearly time to cook and eat a huge breakfast from the strange things in my fridge and freezer and then blogg - well I have been awake for over three hours - and finally given up on sleep!!!

Jet lack combined with a buzzing brain is just not conducive for sleep - I was also ridiculously hungry!!

Rob picked me up and I got home 9.30ish last night - luggage to follow - my flight had spent 2 hours on the runway of Pudong airport, before an 11 hour flight and a mad dash across Schiphol - but hurray I'm home - somewhat spaced out - but joyful at being back in my beautiful little flat.

Well - what can I say about China......... well absolutely amazing will do for a start....... and absolutely amazing for a second and a third and wooooooow - it was amazing, I had a fantastic time, learnt so much, completely shifted my whole perspective on... well everything really.... yes - so a pretty huge learning journey!

OK - I did work - am now officially the Director of an International Centre for Excellence which was launched in the World Expo, Shanghai - that's pretty damn cool!! It was also a bit nerve-wracking - organising an event - so far away with a completely unknown audience etc etc - was actually brilliant - I had great support and my fellow speakers were fantastic and it all went very well, including being on Chinese telly. Like all these things - it is what they are perceived as - is actually more important than what they were - so the Centre has now been officially launched and this fact has now gone into the annals of history.

The rest of the time I took part in other University events and just had a huge opportunity to think and to talk and to reflect on my work from the other side of the world. In one of the books I read - I was going to look for quote but still in an airport somewhere in my bag! - the author talked about travel and being out of 'normality' having an accelerating effect on embracing change and all that goes along with that. I've known this for a long time - I think - and I always say to the TRiO students you learn more about yourself and where you've come from whilst you're in Liverpool than actually about Liverpool. But being in China I was very conscious of the process - that might also just be where I am - increasingly conscious of the process of change as I embrace it.

I also spent some great times with friends and colleagues, old and new - the all you can drink cocktail happy hour (2 hours) on the 40th floor of the Marriott - with the most stunning view of Peoples Park and central Shanghai was well used!!!! I also went dancing twice in nightclubs - one on the night of the launch - when I was as high as a kite and dressed in one of my Indian outfits, which later on I realised people thought was Chinese National Dress!!! So the newly launched Directora had an amazing few hours dancing on a third tier podium, with anyone who would dance with me, or just on my own, in Chinese National Dress, in a huge techno club, no-one batted an eye and I had a ball!!!!!!!!

So back to Liverpool - wonderful - grateful and happy - looking forward to seeing and talking to friends and family - and yes maybe some sleep sometime would be nice - I'm tempted to go for a run round the park - but think on top of such a big breakfast I'd be pushing it - so maybe back to bed!!

In Hong Kong!!!

Wow - feeling quite amazed by the whole place!

Mind only arrive this afternoon - but I've walked miles - through markets, streets and to the waterfront - I've been measured for a top and skirt and go for a fitting tomorrow for delivery on Monday, bought a camera from a funny little back street shop, taken some pretty awful picture, been absolutely bowled over by the view from the waterfront of Hong Kong island - at night - wow - amazing - had prawn dumplings and am now drinking Belgium beer - given to me by my two companions of last night - who made a long flight a lot of fun - I also managed to get put in the best seat in the plane - and we talked, drank wine, laughed and slept and had a great flight! Staying in a completely bizarre hotel and having a ball - ought to feel sleepy as it's nearly midnight here but my body clock is several hours behind!

So nothing new then - bufff - I am such an amazingly blessed person - to be here - to be making connections all the time - Friday morning before I left was also full of very strong Australian connections - and now when I see them - I do just go straight into connect mode and go pretty deep, very quickly - only way to be!

So hope the Belgium beer makes sleepy - but actually feeling very buzzy and happy - wow wow wow!!!!!!!!!!!

new bed and table

Three lovely firsts!!

First first! - am writing this sitting at my beautiful new table - made for me out of 150 year old oak - recycled beams! It is just stunningly beautiful - circular but with the two sides dropping down - really wonderful!

Second first - just been camping at Amanda and Gareth's - in my new bell tent - which is just amazing - I can stand up in it - and it even has a candelabra of different coloured glasses for tea lights - it also really easy to erect and get down and is slightly pink in colour - and I have fallen in love with it.

.... and third first - tonight I sleep in my new amazing bed - which also arrived on Friday - it is made from recycled wood - but only 100 year old oak! They were made in Yorkshire by a guy called Stuart and it is very special to have new furniture - that has been made exactly to my specifications and just for me - so very very pleased with this.

The weekend has been lovely - not sure quite how to describe it - but a weekend of friendship, feasting and joy - sort of sums it up!! All new friends in the sense that they are part of my new life - but feel very close to many of them and really value their presence in my life - they are just wonderful people - open, non judgemental and great fun - with a passion for dressing up!!! I wore some of my Indian clothes - have decided to take them to wear in China.

Wow - I'm going to Hong Kong on Friday - and then will be in China for a couple of weeks - buffff - another first - so many beautiful firsts and another euphoric blogg!!

hard evening.........

........sometimes life is hard ... even when you are a wonderfully blessed, happy and open person - aka transformed Tricia (Alegra) .... sometimes it is still very hard.

Had a really hard night ... not sure why.. probably the move and being the other side of so much change - finally hitting home - also reflected tonight on the night Chris died - triggered by something - and recalling and remembering that night ....and then talking that through with a lovely person - thank you...

Bufff - lots of stuff there!!

Okay - recognition of the fact that I am a wonderfully blessed, happy and open person - is just amazing - cos I haven't always been that person - bufff!!

Also am proud of the way we - as a family - me and the boys - how we were there for Chris's death - I'm proud of the way we did that - we were there - wonderfully there - for that last awful night, as he breathed his last - before dying......... bufff I am so proud of us - we did that so well!!

Then where am I now? - last night an unknown dancer asked me if something had happened to me yesterday - because I had danced so full of happiness - but I had just danced!! .........and intrigued by his question I asked other dancers - and apparently I dance with 'childlike happiness' - another big bufff here - cos I know I am myself when I dance - and I know I am very free and open when I dance - and I think they may be right- but I just dance!!!!!

OK so I recognise that I can be so happy - for example when I'm dancing - but also can go where I've been tonight which was pretty hard ...but I suppose that's what life is all about and the wonderful resistance of us - human beings - aren't we just amazing!!!!!!!!!!

back home...

... and it's feeling like home..... arrived lateish last evening after a lovely day in Vienna with Chris, Karoline and Deonne and then uncomplicated travel - though my suitcase has yet to arrive - but hopefully later today - which of course has within in a very large jar of honey - which I bought off a woman in the street in the middle of Friday night - it was one of those nights!!! It was one of those few days - magic!!!!!!

Talking to Karoline yesterday - about how we will be working/being together for at least the next 4 and a half years - friendship of course - but in many ways beyond that - my Viennese family - and it goes well beyond me - seeing Deonne in Vienna - watching her join - and I connected very strongly with Sonia and re-connected with others. We share a passion - I think that what connects us - and those who don't - who stand and watch us - can see our shared passion - as it whirls and twirls around us - the energy and joy of being together - whoooooo!

It was also amazing to be part of KinderUni 2010 - I learnt so much from doing that - I would have done my powerpoint completely differently - but that's good cos I now know what to do. What I can see clearly is that I really really want to do that again - with bigger groups of children. I have agreed to do it in Poland and again to a bigger group in Vienna - need to think through language - but I think with lots of pictures and key aspects translated and with someone to translate questions - it can be done with children who only have 2/3 years of English - wow aren't children just absolutely amazing.

The opportunity to spend time - like that with children - was just so good for me - and the whole big project - which of course is called 'Children as Change Agents' - this has yet to find a good German translation - but a child somewhere will come up with a good one soon!

Wonderful trip has filled me with energy - and this week my bed and table will arrive - made especially for me by Stuart - in an old mill in Yorkshire - the table has been made out of 140 year old wood - I'm so excited to see it - but hey I'm just so excited about life!!!!!!!!!!!

Being in Vienna

Just arrived after a long day of delayed and missed flights - but actually it worked well as I sorted out my presentation - which I have had translated into German and then, helped by Deonne, really thought through one of the last big questions I needed to answer re the EU project. I think so much better when I'm talking - well I can think on my own - but I really get so much out of having someone to bounce ideas off.

I was thinking about this on the second flight - about having a 'shared task' - it links back to connections.

A connection is just that a connection - BUT when a connection is joined by a 'shared task'/working together - it becomes an amazing opportuntity for creativity - (if it is allowed to) - BUT creativity itself doesn't go anywhere - but when ideas/creativity get put into action/motion they then become innovation - and that does change the world!!!!

I was also reading Paulo Coelho on the plane and in particular one thing that struck me: Seize every opportunity that life offers you because, when opportunities go, they take a long time to come back. Struck home to me that I have been living by this for quite a few years - probably consciously from 2000 - and that it is really important - not just for me the individual - but for the bigger plan of things - and that I have been seizing every opportunity that I am given - even tough ones like losing Chris - but seizing all opportunities with two hands, love and an open heart - and the more that I do this - the more opportunities I get offered!!!

Am excited about being in Vienna - because have had some of my best thinking with the Viennese recently - I just love it when I'm buzzing with ideas - and I am so privaleged to be me - surrounded by wonderful people - making connections both with work and friends - and seeing those connections bear fruit as creative ideas which then make things happen - like Hector going to India!!

It's quite late here - but not so late in UK and I'm wide awake - but how lucky am I am to be here - or to put it in another way to have been creative and made the most of the chance connections that I've made!!! Way to live!!

First full weekend in new flat.....

Could not have been better - 2 parties and a day of dancing!!

Feels like a bit of an oasis from work - which is very full on at the moment - the combination of launching the new Centre in Shanghai and negotiating a massive European project - crazy - but wonderfully crazy - but I can only do my best - so that's I am doing that - my best!

So first full weekend in new flat - was lovely - I am beginning to love this flat - went back to the house yesterday - which I was actually not looking forward to - but once there it was good - the house is a bit lonely cos it's not got tenants - but they will come.

But lovely weekend full of people - special people, some in my life - all their lifetimes like Sam and Jess - wonderful to see them - and also some new people - Hector's party and dancers.

Dancing all day - has left me wonderfully joyful. Andrew Holmes is an amazing teacher - and to dance deep, with like minded people - is just a room alive with dancers - energy and connections!!!!

Thinking a lot about connections at the moment - because they are very strong for me - have decided that all the connections - I have both old and new - have two important aspects - complete lack of expectations and absolutely no obligation.

Love this - I am increasingly connecting with more and more people - and I just do that - but I have no expectation that they will 'do'/'bring' anything into my life - they have to just be cherished for what they are - a connection.

The second aspect is a complete lack of obligation - people are not in my life because of what I will do for them - or what they will do for me - they are in my life because they are........ a connection.

....... and I just love them all - the ones that have been in my life for years and the new ones!!!!

Happy day today...... also used the name Alegra first time in public!!

buzzing!!!

It's late but I'm no where near sleeping - even though I have to be up early tomorrow - because I am just buzzing with energy!!

Just been out with this year's TRiO students - I was full of what my boys would call 'old hippy stuff' but got a real buzz from it! Tonight I also had a lovely long conversation - thanks to my free 300 minutes a month anywhere around the world phone deal! - with Bobbye in Houston - she was one of the very first group of Black Roots students - in 1998 and we have become good friends over the years.

Making and treasuring connections - which of course is what it is all about! Some individuals are wonderfully open and I got so much from talking with them - others more hesitant and though they seek - are locked in their own cage of thoughts unable to really engage with me - especially when I'm happily serene and more than a bit bonkers - but I also got so much from those conversations too! Had a bit of a dance and some excellent spicy chicken - so a really lovely night out - lots and lots of work tomorrow - starting with a very early call to Shanghai - ok - time for bed!

Wonderful sons!

Rob came round for tea tonight - and we talked about his future plans - which was great - and after he left I thought about how the changes I have been going through must have had an impact on my boys - and how brilliant they have been!!

If Chris hadn't of died - I would probably have been very similar to what I was 4 years ago - sensible married woman, wife and mother - not the very different woman that is their mother today.

This thinner, blonder, wilder woman, lives the life of a single woman, a dancer with different friends, more spiritually aware and much more open to everything - including seizing every wonderful new opportunity that passes her way - etc - wow way to live and loving it!!!

But from my sons point of view this really cannot have been easy for them - mothers are just not supposed to have so much fun!!! But they have just been so wonderful coping with me - really supporting me - for example when I decided to move out of the house - they never once said 'Are you sure about this Mum?' They just said 'If it's what you want - we'll help you do it.' And they have - every step of the way.

Just had an email from Jim - he's in Ljubljana - one of my favourite cities with some mates - going onto Varazdin - which will be great - amazing how that city is part of my life - Alex is in Cambridge - moved in with Lara - his plan to move back to Liverpool being thwarted by the fact that there was no house to move back too! And Rob leaving his job in 11 days time and then a whole new life to lead - my three boys are also going through big changes.

But I think we all are - our world is changing so fast - and we must all embrace changes or be suffocated by them - I increasingly think that most important thing we can teach our children is how to embrace and love change - they will be the survivors.....

in my new home....

... is still a bit strange - I suppose because I've moved but not actually lived here for the majority of time I've moved out of Cheltenham Avenue - and then there is just so much happening in my life!!!

I also don't feel that I've actually left Cheltenham Avenue - I suppose that will grow on me as I come back here - from work - nights out - being away - the shops - just normal stuff - living - so I guess when it hits me that I actually live here - I will realise that I no longer live there!!! Well it makes sense to me.....

Still so much stuff to do - the 21st century slug trail of addresses and links which need to be moved and tidied - how many things have my address on them - passport, driving licence etc etc.....

My old email address was also closed today - just stuff - but stuff that needs to be sorted!!

Got my Internet working - achievement - hence blogg - which is good - not yet sorted out the washing machine - though a trip to Tescos has meant that I have food in the house - and great new phone package means I can talk to people around the world - 300 free minutes a month - just talked to Rene - so have started!!!!

People in my life

I have been here in Vilnius at a really good conference - I haven't seen the old town yet - but today I am having a day on my own - so I will walk and walk - which will be good - as for the last three days I have been sitting at the conference - though I did dance last night at an amazing event in a medieval castle on an island. Our Lithuanian hosts have been absolutely fantastic and it has been a wonderful conference in terms of hospitality - also in terms of content - and also having the F7 bid meant I was having different conversations with people - and they were also very productive and exciting!

Wow, wow, wow I am just so blessed!!!

This is an international conference and we had come from 62 countries – but I have heard things and met people – with whom I have connected to in an extra-ordinary way. I think this is because I am increasingly open to people and am also concentrating and focusing on what people are saying – and behind what they are saying. I am beginning to also ‘push’ the connections – when I meet someone I connect with – I just jump straight in!!!

I suppose this is what I have been doing all my life – but propelled by a real sense of urgency and an increased sense of consciousness – I am living my life quite differently. One of the major things is a lack of expectation – when I connect with people it is not for anything – it just is!

As Jackie Coleman said to me last year in Houston – everyone is in your life ‘for a reason and a season.’ The important thing of this is that the others are in MY life. I am obviously in a lot of other people’s lives – dear blogg readers including yours - but that’s not my priority.

I am becoming clearer that I have to ensure that I maximise the ‘reason and the season’ that every single person is in my life i.e. for me to really appreciate and treasure the time that I have with all the many people in my life. I don’t think I can see the reasons why they are in my life – but I do feel I have a really duty to cherish the fact that they are in my life – I am just so so blessed and to recognise this, and to appreciate this, is very very important.

So a day off in Vilnius – the sun is shining and it looks a perfect day - then tomorrow meetings in the morning then off to Brussels and lots and lots of work - wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moved!!!

It was a wonderful ceremony and a great party - and I have MOVED!!!!

I feel like a little girl playing 'house' in my new flat - it is just so lovely!! I feel so grateful for all my wonderful friends and family who have helped me so much over the last few weeks - crazy, crazy weeks.

Looking back - how did I manage to do all that sorting and moving, all that work stuff and have a date with a nice Italian man, in such short period of time!!!

One more night in this house......

Woke up this morning reflecting on the years I have slept in this bed - in this room, in this house. Thought about sleeping with my beautiful Chris for all those years and about three little baby boys cuddling in with us. Writing this has made me fill up with emotion.

Wonderful years, happy years, full of love, babies, little boys, dogs, so many friends, so much laughter, joy and happiness...... my lucky life in this lovely house.

I am so pleased that Kirsty is going to ceremonially enable me to say a proper farewell and thanks to this house. I want to thank it for being the place where I and my family have lived for these decades. It has been a wonderful home and we have loved it and it has been filled with warmth and our laughter, ooh and the odd tear and tantrum!! For years Chris and I used to have an argument every Saturday morning!! So the house has been full of life - breathing, beautiful life - and for the last three years it has felt our deep sadness and been my shelter whilst I have been getting ready to leave this stage of my life.

So here I am - ready to leave - and feeling ready - a busy day at work - I am beginning to understand the amount of work involved in coordinating this massive project - so excited about that too.

Ceremony at 8 - party at 9 - dancing till dawn then move!!!

Something profound is happening here...

This morning I meditated and went somewhere new...... and it was extraordinarily beautiful.

I try to meditate most morning, giving myself the time and space to go inside myself and to find peace and joy. But this morning, with Rene on the bed behind me, I went to somewhere new, deeper and even more glorious.

I felt that I wanted to record this so am putting it on my blogg.

Rene and Margaret have gone to the conference and I will shortly join my Austrian family to continue working on the F7 proposal – yesterday they gave me a fridge magnet which says:

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Albert Camus

Which as the Coordinator of the whole project I think is good advice!

So am in Stockholm walking with my friends....... wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being in Stockholm

Is just lovely - arrived last night with Margaret after a long week at work - finally got the letter of confirmation re the F7 bid at Friday lunchtime - that's such an amazing thing - it just changes so much - I think I put on my blogg a few months ago - if funded - my life changes - and if not my life changes - but I'm now the other side of the euphoria of the news and looking at what this will actually mean - and it means a lot of change!!!

To start with it changes my relationship with a lot of people and I am really starting to think through what this means. But and it is an amazing but - most of the partners in the bid are already part of my life and this just enables these relationship to extend and deepen.

As I write Rene sleeps - she arrived this morning from Washington and we had a wonderful lunch and tonight Harri arrives and tomorrow the Croatians and the Austrians, dear, dear friends as well as wonderful colleagues. And then a lot of other people from Monday... wow I am just so amazingly blessed. There are so many amazing people in my life – but all people are amazing – I think the thing is being open – being open to the amazingness of people and them being open to themselves!!!

So my life has changed again – another doorway has opened and I’m standing at the threshold and feel ready to go through. I recognise that going through will change me and I cannot see past the threshold, but that’s fine, my future is unknown – and in the unknown anything is possible!

And yesterday I went back to a complete stranger, very nice Italian man I had been chatting too, and gave him my email address and asked him for his!!! Wow – never done anything like that before – but who knows what any small action will lead to!!

So I will focus and appreciate the small things and look for happiness in all I do and surrounded by love, walk through the into my unknown future – wow wow wow – way to live!!!!!!!!!!!!!

camping!!

It did seem to be quite a strange thing to be doing so close to moving - but it was just amazingly perfect to go camping for the weekend!! And it was a perfect weekend.... I kept hearing the Lou Reed song 'Perfect Day' going through my head - and I can't believe it was actually a weekend because it felt so much longer!!!

It was just so good to be outdoors, uncomplicated and fun - never been there before - but I loved Shell Island - and I just loved the whole outdoors bit - lovely company including a dog Minnie - and oh yes the uncomplicated and fun bits were also excellent!!

Coming home to a pretty nearly 'sorted' house was also good - still got several evenings of 'sorting' to go but I have just done so much - to think that at Easter I hadn't even thought about moving at all - and all going to plan - I will have moved in two weeks time - that's pretty cool!! I will also be going to Stockholm this week - getting home for one night - then leaving party then move!!!!

Wow wow wow - just love this change - recognising that it's pretty accelerated but just enjoying the ride..............

My life in photos

Some of you will recognise the photos taken from the montages around the house - especially the kitchen! - and some of you will recognise yourselves as being part of my lucky life. Now gone from my life - I'm glad I got AB to record them for me.

Having a wonderful time......

I am just so happy.... life is such a joy. Woke up early and have had a quick sort - two kitchen cupboards!! I am a sortaholic at the moment - just sorting sorting sorting!!! Hector says that there isn't a Spanish word for 'sorting' - in the way that we use it - but I couldn't think of any other English word which describes what I'm doing with my house at the moment apart from just SORTING!!!

People have asked is it painful, emotional, upsetting to sort through all these things, my things, Chris's things, the boys things, Chris's Mother's and Aunt's things ... loads and loads of things... but it's not upsetting or painful, it's such a pleasure when I give them away or they are recycled and become 'wanted' by someone else - because they are not 'wanted' by me or my boys and wonderfully liberating - if they just get binned!! Have felt responsible when things are over 100 years old - but feel so happy with the thousands of choices I have made over the last few weeks.

That's the thing about 'sorting' it requires a choice to be made. It is physically quite draining but I intersperse sorting with meditating, not sitting in a corner, ommming type of meditating - more the kind of internal finding peace in myself type of meditating, which just leaves me smiling!!! Sometimes I listen to loud music but mainly I have done it in silence. I have not had the radio or television on all year and I really think this has helped me to focus on 'sorting' - allowing me to really appreciating all these things, looking at each one and recognising them as a part of this house, before I send them off and out of my life!!

Have decided to go camping this weekend - enough sorting - time to sleep under the stars!!! - then back for a couple of days, a week in Stockholm - then back for one night - then party farewell to the house and then move - wow - isn't life just amazing!!!!

The books have gone..............

The 17 crates of books have now gone ... out of my life and into others - Rob and I took the last lot of 9 boxes to the Cat Sanctuary shop today - it was a wonderful feeling to have finally got them out of my life!!!

Getting very decisive re my own things, letters, dairies memorabilia from my childhood - now all gone. I didn't really want them enough to keep them any longer. Alex read my angst ridden teenage diaries out loud to me last weekend - and we laughed - what am I keeping them now for - for my children to read after I'm dead - don't think so - so they've gone - and I'm very happy for that!!! Still keep finding photographs - I have squirreled them all over the house over the years - keeping them.

Got the keys for my flat yesterday - Ann was over so it was lovely to walk across the park, which was looking stupendously beautiful in the soft evening light, and to show her my new home. I was pleased that she seemed to really like it. Rob and I also called over today with some stuff. He says it's better every time he sees it - which is also good. We popped into Aigburth Peoples Hall - just over the road which has a lovely garden out the back - so I wont have a garden but I will have a lovely place to go - on a summer evening and have a glass of wine with Gilly - which was the best use of my garden here!

Had a group of young people looking at the house this evening, which I am pleased to say felt really good. The house will be happier when it is full of life and young people, it is not meant to be just for one person.

So have just had a long deep bath as my body is tired and a bit sore, lots of lifting and carrying. So a long bank holiday weekend to continue moving, sorting and finally detaching myself from all of this. Rob is camping in the lakes and Jim is in Barcelona - so I will avoid big lifting stuff - still got plenty to do - but the end is in sight - wow - feeling knackered but very happy!!!!

... and it continues

Wow felt the need to blogg twice today - as it has been a long and remarkably rewarding day... I have now got that feeling/knowledge that I am getting close to moving - though like the last bit of anything the reality is pretty chaotic - at least superficially - the whole house is a mess - and everything is upside down - but - I now think that I have really got to the bottom of what needs to be sorted - wonderful!!

So many special moments today - taking the table to Fiona's - that was a biggie for me - of course Rob sorted it - using Nita's van - and I did wobble momentarily - it was a big thing for me - that table - the heart of this house - the touchstone for everyone who has ever been here!!! So no pressure there - but with love - Rob and I took it round to Fiona's - to be greeted by the amazingly beautiful Aidan in the arms of his blessed grandparents - right decision!!

Then Alex and I spent all day going to the last places to go to - like the whole cupboard of children's books - and together we sorted everything into two piles - those which meant something to us and others - but the ones that meant something - were big somethings!!! Chris was the story teller in our family - I would cook tea and do stuff whilst he told little boys bedtime stories - every night - for all those years and with all those books - and with so much love!!!

But strangely choosing a small set to keep was really very easy - Alex and I just recognised the special ones - they were also the most dog eared and it ended up quite a small pile! - and I put them in a box and we have then put them in the loft (nb this is not an easy process!). This all sounds a bit obvious - but is has not been easy to recognise what is really important - in the context of the house and my whole life with Chris and our family - but I suppose I knew all along that it's the small things that are important - it's not the books that are important but the fact that Chris told the boys stories every night for all those years - with love - wow wonderful.

savouring the 'lasts'

After three plus years of 'firsts' - I'm now going through a series of 'lasts' - last time I'll do this sort of thing ........

...but it's OK!!! In fact it's great! Today I'm going to get Rob to take my beautiful table round to Fiona's - so I've had my last meal round that - and never even noticed - wonderful. I'll have the keys for the flat next Friday and can start taking stuff round next weekend - how exciting!!!

Still a lot of clearing and sorting going on - recycling via Freecycle is working well and today I am going to put some things in the loft - and then I will only have the lace to get rid of - not quite true as there are still boxes and boxes of books - Alex came home and completely re-organised Jim's arrangement of books - which was lovely as means all the boys have sat and reflected on the books and taken and sorted and re-arranged and given their blessing to what we leave and what we keep.. which is perfect.

Last night we had a big barbecue, friends of Jim, Alex and Jake and 3 out of 4 Interns, sadly the forth one Vaughn did not get a visa. I made a mountain of food and it all got eaten, I have just been downstairs and there was some stuff left when I went to bed but everything has now been eaten - I just love feeding young people- and we drank beer and laughed and played a murder game and argued and laughed and drank beer and it was just absolutely wonderful - a really really happy evening and if it was my 'last' barbecue it was a wonderful one.

So another day of sorting and then back to work, the sun is shining, my heart is singing and I am so happy to be alive - isn't life just wonderful!!!!

Photos ..... lifetimes of photos!!

Yesterday I sorted out the photos - I had boxes and boxes of them in the back room, and bags and bags of them, secreted all over the house - whenever I thought I had nearly finished yesterday - I thought of another place to look - this is a very big house to look in - and over the years I have taken very very many photographs!!

It's not just my life that is chronicled through these but Chris's, and because he was an only child I have also got the photos of his parents. I decided last week that I wanted them to come with me - the boys and their future partners and children may want to see them - but most importantly I'm not ready to do a major cull of them - I would want to scan many of them - so my plan is to take them all but stored in a new flat friendly and aesthetically pleasing manner!!

So that's what I did yesterday - I have an old chest which came from Chris's family house and Rob carried it out to the garden for me and I sanded it down and re-stained it and I am very pleased with the way it looks. By midnight I had finally fitted all the photos into it - 17 file boxes and two other bags. But they all fitted in - hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!

The photographs were amazing - memories - our brains are so amazing - I would see a photograph and I could remember the feel of that place, the taste of the food, the smell, the sand under my toes, hear the sound of the sea, bask in the heat of the sun, recalling specific conversations and memories. So I have spent all week going backwards through my life - feeling and being where my life has taken me - and as the week progressed and I caught more and more snapshots of my life - I have become almost overwhelmed with the sense of how unbelievably blessed I have been all my life.

When I was a younger woman the photographs did enable me to feel and recall some of the frustrations of youth - but looking back these are what gave me my drive and passion, which I put into my work. The Tricia in those photos was also very happy, she beamed at me - from parties, the garden, cities and beaches, with Chris, friends and boys. Holidays were where I took most photos and boy did we have a lot of holidays - my Mother's daughter!! Spain, the Costa Brava, Galicia and Mallorca, then later years Croatia and of course the caravan. 18 years of the beautiful lakes, walking, swimming, playing golf for the views not the game, and drinking beer with my Dad, doing the crossword. Special and magical times of my life.

So I have revisited my life and put it into a refurbished chest - ready to take with me to my new home!!!

I also varnished all the garden furniture for my tenants and made a huge pot roast with dumplings and a rhubarb crumble for Jimmy, Jack and Rob. I have now 2 book cases full of books in the front room which I will leave and 11 huge boxes of books for Rob to take to be recycled - and I was so pleased that Jim and Jack are taking a box back to their house - they went through every book with respect and that made me so happy. Hopefully the car will get out the garage next week as we need to shift stuff out of the house before I can show it to prospective tenants!

Still got a grandfather clock and several other bits of old furniture to dispose of and today I will do the tool cupboard, then an afternoon on Lark Lane with Pat and Nita - relishing and cherishing their company - eating and drinking wine - one of my favorite combinations!!!!

Moving on and so appreciative of my wonderful happy life.

and....

thank you Heyhursts - for being so spot on - yet again - como siempre!!

Embracing change and going for it.................

... but also recognising the quantity of change that is occurring!!

So need to blogg - that's good - being open with myself about what I'm doing here - these are big changes!!!

... and what I'm doing is leaving this house, this life, this Tricia and moving on - so quite a big thing then!!

I have talked to a lot of people - OK I do talk!! about moving etc - for example talked to someone yesterday - who said - I don't have anything in my house that I haven't used/worn for more than a year - if I don't use/wear it - it goes - wow!

At the moment I'm just leaving/giving away everything in this house - this has led to some amazingly special conversations about what people in my life would like to have - one thing from this house - to make part of their world.

The reason I'm blogging tonight - is to say let me know what bit of this house is special to you - I have been really surprised at what these conversation have led to - so ring me - because it wont be here this time next month - and if there is something that has a place in your life/home - let me know!!

De-personalisation...............

It's ridiculously early and the flask of chamomile tea has not done the trick this morning - the 'bing' was just too strong!!

Woke up thinking about this process that I'm going through - which is apparently called de-personalisation - in other words taking from my house anything that appertains to me and my family - wow this is a real big thing to do!!

I said there are no sacred cows and I am now making decisions which make that a reality. Yesterday took all the big photograph montages down from my walls - of which there were many - images of my life, family and friends over the decades - well they've gone - well they are still in bits in my front room but will be at the tip tonight.

Have put my first listing on Freecycle - and am beginning to think there will be very little to store in the attic - feeling OK about it all - know I'm not getting enough sleep - but don't feel stressed out - monitoring myself!

So another day starts and I get lighter and lighter as I get ready to leave!!!

Pretty grim day!!

After yesterday lovely party and this morning's positive blogg - have had pretty grim day - got to the last level of 'places that you don't go to' - where I found letters - mainly from people who are now dead - or cards/writing from or about my boys - special messages from them to me or Chris - all that I had kept for a reason - had quite a few big Chris moments - suppose it is also leaving the house - anyway gave up on the Aunty Elsie/Peggy lace heritage - and have recognised I need help on that one!!

But then Jenny had given me a couple of books yesterday and I started and finished reading one - When everything changes, change everything - and it was really good - so big breath - glad I've done what I've done today- recognise that it wasn't easy - but am proud of myself!!!

Sorting out things...........

.. and there is a lot to sort!! Being ruthless as am only going to take things with me that I really want to - although there is set of things which I want to keep for the house and the boys in the future - though this pile is getting smaller - and need to find somewhere to store them as well.

Still a few of Chris's things - just found his favourite jacket - which I obviously couldn't bring myself to get rid of before - it's now gone and today I am going to sort out the last of his instruments - being strong about all this but also recognising that it's not easy.

People have told me that moving house is up there as a very stressful thing to do - so I would be stupid if I didn't recognise this. Have ordered some furniture for my new flat as well - that was a lovely thing to do - and I've got a move date the 19th of June!!!

Was in Leeds yesterday at my cousin Ellen Birthday party - it was a wonderful party - lots of love for Ellen - who is a very special person - wise woman - and lots of my family - cousins I haven't seen for years - since my wedding in the case of my cousin Stuart!

I have been with my extended family - 3 out of the last 4 weekends - my Mum's birthday party, the walking weekend and yesterday at Ellen's. Special that - and really good timing - for me to feel a part of such a lovely family when I'm making this big move and leaving my own family house.

So today I will continue to sort stuff out - it's a beautiful sunny day and it's great to be alive!!!!

Not feeling chaotic...

Just been dancing - which was lovely - after a beautiful long weekend - away with my three sisters, a cousin and five female friends - how lucky is that - walking - and talking - I love that combination - walking and talking deeply with that person and then as the day progresses, walking and talking deeply with someone else - and that's what we did - walk and talk deeply - wonderful!!!

So feel very enriched by the weekend - we stayed in a pub and as we all shared rooms - the conversations continued over dinner, and on into the night and then started all over again in the mornings!!!! 10 women opening up to each other - just talking honestly to each other, sharing histories and stories and of course laughing - I think women together laugh differently - finding humour in things from a womans perspective - and we did laugh so much.

I called this blogg - Not feeling chaotic - because - even though there are so many changes occurring in my life - it actually does not feel chaotic - I discussed the changes in my life a lot this weekend - and the joy of talking is that you put your thoughts into words and then these words have a life of their own - so talking about moving etc was wonderful because as I talked the words became fatter and more solid - because they were listened to and reflected on - and then endorsed - passing the sisterhood test in the process!!

Wow - things happen quickly!!

Been at a lovely award ceremony tonight - and got back really late - but can't sleep as am absolutely buzzing - as today I signed a contract on a flat - wow - so quick!!!!

So in 6 weeks time - I will be living in a small two bedroom flat the other side of the park - WOW!! It has happened so quickly - but I like that 'cos I made decisions and then things just happened - I am happy with the decision - and now it's all change!!

Still pretty emotional and recognising that there will be things that I will miss - like hanging my washing out in the garden - and a gas cooker - and my beautiful carpets - but hey there will be things that I won't miss - like rattling around a huge family house on my own - don't know yet what I wont miss - as sitting here in bed - I can't yet see myself not living here.... but I'm now set on a course to move out.. and smiling as I write - yes am very comfortable with decision to move - yes really like flat - but no - actually no idea what I will think and feel when I'm actually blogging from Travellers Court - the name of new flat!

So life is an ongoing adventure - and I'm embracing and dancing my way through it - and am happy that it's the only way to live your life - going for it!!!

Words become actions....

Now that I have said I'm moving and told people - i.e. put it into words - it has now become a reality. That's the thing about words - they have a life of their own - they take shape as ideas and then they you bring them into existence - either by being spoken or written - and then they just go off on their own - taking your thoughts and making them happen!!

Went dancing last night - which was really good - and told the dancers - and then we went to the Everyman and just laughed and laughed - which was wonderful. So with laughter in my heart I am embracing change and will dance my way through this big milestone in my life - and now it is becoming a reality I am getting very excited about it!!!

Big decisions - which feel right!!

OK - have now made big decisions - and yes after much thought/emotion - am now getting used to the idea of leaving 1 Cheltenham Avenue - and this is a very big thing for many reasons not least cos I've lived here for 30 plus years - that's lifetime status!! But the house is just too big for one person - I have rattled around it on my own for nearly a year now - and I don't want to continue to do so. This is the house of my family - the Tricia that used to live here - Chris's wife - the mother of small children - she doesn't exist any more - and this Tricia - the new Tricia - she doesn't need a great big house.

So two levels to this - 'emotional' and 'rational' and boy that's where I am at the moment - really rational - making sensible decisions but also being seriously hit by emotional - have not felt so vulnerable for a long time.

So sensible decision - rent out Cheltenham Avenue - then rent an apartment just for me - behind this decision have been many options - which I have had to consider - but one joy in making this has been the love I have been shown whilst struggling to make the right decisions.

Yesterday Rob and Jim blitzed the garden - and I went to the tip four times - after Gilly came round and we had a barbie in the amazing clear and seemingly much larger garden - it looks great. The Gilly and I drank wine and talked about things - like we do - and that was also great.

Woke up this morning feeling a bit calmer though I have just revisited coming home from work after the phone call and finding Chris dying in the garden - I also thought about Jimmy finding his father and not being able to wake him - that's what he said when he phoned me - I can't wake Dad up. That must have been just so so awful for him.

Looking and my beautiful Jimmy yesterday - what an amazing young man - really happy at university and doing really really well - his father would have been so proud of him. Gilly was saying yesterday how lucky I was and in particular how lucky I am to have such three amazing sons - and yes I am. Lucky and proud of my wonderful sons.

Gilly also said that many people will also miss my house - sitting round the table - eating and drinking, sitting in the garden - eating and drinking - all those parties over all those years - lots of wonderful times - eating and drinking!!! The house was always full of people, children, dogs, laughter.... it has been such a wonderfully happy house - but I am now ready to leave it - not to sell it though - but to move onto another chapter of my life.

So big decision made - and now official cos I've blogged it!! Feeling happy about the decision and comfortable that it's the right one - but also feeling vulnerable and know that I need to look after myself - but also know that I'm loved - how lucky am I!!!

lot going on............

It's 5.30 in the morning and I just can't sleep so thought I'd write my blogg as I haven't for days. Last weekend was my Mum's 90th birthday and we all went away for the weekend. It was absolutely perfect. It's not often that you can say something was perfect - but it was - the whole weekend was perfect!!!

To be 90 is also an amazing thing - and my Mum is still enjoying her life so much - she feels that she has been so lucky in her life - which is true. She has had a rich life full of love. She has been able to give a lot of love and she has also been very loved. Still married to the love of her life - for over 63 years - that's also amazing!!!!!

We had a big family party with over 40 people there at some point over the weekend - second, third and fourth generations from both sides of the family and a few very special friends, including two women who were her friends for over 60 years. Telling stories and reminiscing about their lives. It was such a joy to be there, it was just that - a joy to be part of.

Back home to all change and ongoing turmoil, living a strange life at the moment. Making big decisions with a clarity which I can see and feel - then having to just accept the upset and emotional consequences of these!!

Glad I'm writing this blogg as always it gives me a space to reflect on what I'm doing and thinking.

So - how lucky am I - to still have my wonderful parents in my life - first thing! Second thing - you can't make a cake without breaking eggs - and that's what I'm currently doing!!!