New Years Eve – just been for a run in the park with Kipper – visited the beech tree and thought about last year – which we spent with Alan and Moira in Mallorca – it was such a special evening – our best and last New Years Eve together. This is the four of us last year.


Have the boys staying over as Peri’s Choir is singing at John Barnes’s wedding today – we were going to go for a good long walk with Alex and Jim but yesterday they discovered that Jimmy goes back to school on Wednesday - and not a week on Monday - so they are going to do some serious Maths and Physics today and I will give Aziz and Jamal the choice of the Gormley statues or the red squirrels!

Scattering the Ashes

Yesterday we scattered Chris’s ashes around the beech tree behind the bench where he used to sit when he was IPWD.

There was eight of us and the dog. Paul, Rob, and Alex went over to Lark Lane and picked up Chris’s ashes and met Nita for a drink in Keiths. Sue, Gilly and I had a glass of champagne at home and then walked over with Jimmy and Kipper - and we all met up in the park.

We didn’t make a big ceremony out of it – Rob, Paul and the Officer played their roles and then we simply encircled the beech tree with Chris’s ashes and together remembered the lovely man. Gilly placed a bunch of flowers and we all came home to share a meal.

I had made some fine soup into which I had put tiny dried chillies and it tasted wonderful and then kicked you! Hadn’t meant it to be that hot but it was good. Rob played some of Chris’s CDs which was important as none of us had been able to listen to Chris’s music particularly Rob. We then just talked and reminisced for the rest of the evening - which is exactly what Chris would have wanted us to do.

After I said good bye to Paul and Sue this morning I walked the dog over to the beech tree – which I glad to say that Paul – the Woodman - had pronounced as ‘sound tree’ yesterday. The ashes were still visible - I sat on the bench and listened to the bird song and the wind in the trees - and felt at peace.

Went IPWD and Jamal this morning and we had a lovely long discussion – starting off from ‘Can dogs be left/right pawed?” and ending up with Jamal reflecting on what happens to your soul after you die. I don’t know how much he listened last night – I know Aziz was part of some of the discussions - it’s a bit difficult to describe exactly what happened – but I think a satellite going over house last night would have seen it glowing with emotion!

Alex and Jim are on their third hour of physics for today – Alex is letting him off an hour early as he is going to Joe’s birthday party! Paul and Sue are coming over tomorrow and I look forward to seeing them.

Tonight was something else – but I feel privileged to be part of it. Don’t know how Chris would have coped with it - but probably wonderfully by just being there – so he wasn’t – so the dynamics were a bit off kilter – probably more emotional than normal but we did it – and I am glad I did – though am feeling a bit drained now.

Back home

I am, pleased to say Christmas is over. Though I think it went well – it was lovely to spend time with my parents and sons – I felt like an honorary boy – and this was compounded by sleeping in my childhood bed. I think the last time I would have slept there was before I got married – over 32 years ago – the room hadn’t changed at all – different wallpaper but I sure the lampshade and the furniture are the same – including the holiday souvenirs from Klagenfurt which I brought back when I was 13. Mum and Dad’s house is basically the same as was when I lived there. Thought a lot about that whilst away – thinking about the 16 year old Tricia.

Had a bit of a strop on Boxing Day as I felt we hadn’t talked about Chris enough – so full of too much beer I had a bit of a weepy but I felt better afterwards. I know my parents are in their late 80s and didn’t really want to talk about Chris dying but as Ian said – he was becoming a huge elephant in the corner of the room! Fiona, Ian and Becki came over yesterday which was lovely – thinking back I recall Ian and I have got a bit pissed together on other Boxing Days!

Anyway home now - Aziz and Jamal due soon with Pat, Nita and Neil coming for tea. The house is really cold and I have lit the fire but Kipper’s happy on his new bed.

Peaceful thoughts

Just been IPWD reflecting on the wonderfully deep conversation I had with Clare last night – it has left me with a really powerful feeling of peace which is so good. She confirmed - what I knew in my heart - that Chris is at peace.

Off to my Mum and Dad’s now

Today Rob and I went and gave blood – thinking it would be really quiet – but apparently it was the busiest day in their year – not sure why – but it is always a satisfying thing to do.

Then some food shopping for Mums followed by making mega mushroom soup as Gilly and her sister Clare the veggie are around for tea tonight - which will be nice. Clare and I share a birthday and I have always felt close to her.

I’ve decided what I am doing for New Year – having Aziz and Jamal and being at home with a neurotic dog – fireworks always get him going! We will then play it by ear but I am hoping sons and friends drop in during the evening – I’ll make some soup.

Am feeling lonely at the moment despite the best efforts of sons and friends but although sad am not unhappy – I used to meet Stella after Martin’s death and she would say – ‘We are sad but not unhappy’ didn’t quite know what she meant – but I do now.

Thinking a lot about Chris at the moment – I suppose it is because I am off work and have more time to think but I suppose the time of year is also a big factor. Still feeling generally OK, not really worried about Christmas - though have recognised the fact that this will be first Christmas for over 30 years that I haven’t spent with Chris. Am glad I am going home to Mum and Dad’s – because in all my life I have either spent Christmas with Chris and/or my parents. So how lucky is that!

Rob’s birthday went surprising well – I bought him a lovely coat after we had looked at half the shops in Liverpool – but it was worth the trouble. Rob, like the other two boys, doesn’t ever go clothes shopping, so the day had novelty value for us both!

In the evening we went for an Indian meal which was really nice and then we all met up with some of Rob’s friends and some of mine. It was another first – the first time I had been drinking in Lark Lane with all three of my sons!

Been Christmas shopping today as feel I should – but my heart’s not really in it. Anyway done what I have to do and tomorrow will go out with Rob to buy some stuff to take to my Mums.

Alex is working Jimmy very hard – it’s physics today – mind you he showed me his end of year test paper – you can only get better than 0%!

Had a somewhat tetchy email correspondent with Chris’ employer who attached two letters he maintained he sent me – I replied suggesting they reviewed their organisational processes because it’s all very well writing letters but if the recipient doesn’t get them – they’re not a lot of use! Chris would have had a laugh at this as he always sceptical of their ability to organises things!

Feeling quite comfortable today.

Learning Journeys

The Christmas party was good – though I had a couple of deep breath moments at the beginning with so many University people there – but as the afternoon went on I relaxed more – I was surrounded by my Team whom I think are just the most amazing, caring and classy bunch - they have been so incredibly supportive and are just so good at their jobs!

I met several people that I talked to at length - and when I woke up this morning - and thought through things - I made a big connection between my work and my life. At work we use the expression ‘Learning Journey’ to describe what we do – getting young people, their families and adult returners to see that they are on a Learning Journey and that they have choices.

What I realised this morning was that our lives are Learning Journeys – thinking back over the last three months I recognised how much I have learned from Chris’s death – about myself, about life and death - about what is important to me – and about what a steep learning curve it has been! I also see how lucky I have been with having Chris as a life partner and his legacy is what I have learnt over our time together, what his boys have learnt with having him as their father and what others who knew him, learnt from that opportunity. This blogg has been my record of this particular three month learning journey.

Someone said to me yesterday that I am very strong but in someways I don't think I am - I have been lucky with my teachers - my parents, Chris - and I am lucky that I have been open to learning - and I always knew that Chris had more to teach me than I could ever give him.

Rob's birthday today and I will now run Jim into school - where I don't think he is doing a lot of learning - but am less worried about this as he has been set a strong course for his learning journey by his father and he too is a good learner!

The 12 week loop

Well it’s 6.30 on Tuesday morning and I'm in the 12 week loop.

I was lying in bed – thinking about this and my thoughts come out it terms of what I will write on the blogg – and that's the thing I really love about the blogg - it's a focus for my thoughts – I compare to when I was away and phoning home – it’s a distillation of my day/thoughts - the things that I would tell Chris.

What is doesn’t give me is his side of the picture – what he would have done or thought about that day and I suppose that’s what loneliness is – and acceptance – and as I write this with tears pouring down my face – I know I’m passing another milestone – this one’s called 12 weeks – and there are so many of them - everyday has it’s own milestone or kilometrestone – I remember last summer having a discussion with Chris whether there was such a thing as a kilometrestone!

Cup of tea in the flag mug later.

So what’s happened in these 12 weeks. The first four were spent like zombies – and looking back at those firsts - they were enormous - each one a mountain. The next four weeks were me preparing to go back into the real world – IPWD - going away with Gilly – buying clothes – and the last four weeks have been me back at work – clearing out my office - going to Boston – feeling like the little boat in a mine field – yet growing in confidence.

My house has changed – it’s now emptier - quieter – though for some of these 12 weeks it’s been full of people, flowers, laughing and crying. It does now have a fully functioning down stairs toilet which is good. The kitchen has lost all it’s coffee beans – and the Juicer rules. There are different things in the fridge and the ironing board has gone into a cupboard.

Jimmy and I ate our rare breed pork chops on the table last night and discussed anything but his school work and I spent the evening on the phone talking to old friends around the country.

So as my new life continues to grow I feel the need to sign off the outstanding details of Chris’s life – which is why I wrote to his employer last night and asked for a formal letter – I asked at work and it is standard to write to the widow of an employee – even if they were part-time.

Today the University Christmas dinner – well that doesn’t sound like too much hard work and tomorrow is Rob’s birthday and I‘m off then until January the 8th.

I am hiding in the back room so I thought I’d do my blogg. Alex is working with Jimmy on his Maths and Physics in the other room, which is fantastic. I knew that school wasn’t really working for Jimmy but I also didn’t feel I could go there. My first attempt a few weeks ago was a bit of a disaster. Anyway Alex has talked to school and is now getting Jimmy down to some hard work – he is a very patient teacher – particularly as he has a very bad hangover this morning having been out for Jake’s birthday yesterday evening and got in a round with Mattie Savage! Rob is going to talk history with Jim and I will support the process by doing my favourite thing of feeding boys and making lots of cups of tea.

Went for a run this morning and got absolutely soaked but I enjoyed it. I have decided that I am not going to send Christmas cards this year and we don’t think we will get a Christmas tree or decorate the house – though I think I will put the outside lights up later this week as the Avenue always looks good and this is the first house.

I don’t want to send cards for several reasons – I am still in October in my head - and I just don't feel remotely Christmassy – also Chris used to do our cards and I can’t face doing them – so I wont and I am sure my friends and family will understand.

We are going to Mum and Dads for Christmas which will be fine – they usually come here – so going there will be different - and I am looking at it more like a holiday away - Rob and I have just talked to my Mum about the shopping etc.

Time to make the working boys another cup of tea!

Getting used to being on my own

I have just spent my longest time alone in the house ever. The boys are all away at the snooker in York and are back later today. Being on my own has been good for me and if I look back over the last three months – I think this was the thing I have been dreading most – being completely on my own. I could have phoned people last night – I could have done my blogg but I didn’t - I read the paper, watched some telly, drank some wine and was OK.

IPWD this morning I was thinking about being on my own and how I will get used to it and I at some point enjoy it – I was just thinking this when a rainbow appeared and reinforced my opinion!

Did some money things and had a run in with a ‘jobs worth’ in the Abbey building society who was just telling me that ‘their policy requires a death certificate as well as the probate’. I walked and will do it by post. I have a strong feeling that I want to get these bits and pieces of loose ends tied up.

Work was good yesterday and I didn’t run into too many mines – though I was very tired by the end of the week.

Just cooked large veggie pies – cooking for boys always makes me happy and I will now go and pick them up.

'Post Chris' world of work

Feel that my blogg is a bit dysfunctional at the moment and think it is because I am!

I am also operating in two worlds – me and this world – all the things that go along with my ‘Post-Chris’ world – my home, my boys, my friends/family – my ‘out of work’ life - so I’m getting to grips this ‘me’ world - cooked quite well this week - managed to shop etc etc – but I’m also going back into the other world - my 'world of work' – and as I become more at home there – it is becoming strangely alien to me!

Having re-read this sentence – I see why I’m a bit dysfunctional at the moment!

I compare my life at the moment to that of a small ship – sailing in a mine field. The mine sweeper has passed over my friends, family and close work colleagues – I can meet them comfortably – but in the world of at work I feel like I’m in a mine field – people are re-acting so strangely to me – probably because they know a ‘work mode’ of me – and also people put their own interpretations onto my situation – it is very hard - people trying to be helpful can be so very difficult.

I have found this week hard but I have also had some great support and that’s what it’s all about.

Had a long conversation with Bryony in the middle of posting this blogg and have decided that other people's dysfunctionality is not my problem!

The day started badly – I felt terrible this morning – blamed Gilly and her excellent bottle of wine – but when I got into work Trish, Mary and Janine said they had also had real problems getting up this morning – I was very relieved –I thought I had depression but I think I just had jet lag (compounded by a slight hangover!)

Anyway continued to get back into the world of work – started looking at the WP team finances!

Met my oldest friend Tricia after work – we were neighbours as children - she was in Liverpool for a course – and we had a nice cup of coffee together – which was good – I only ever knew one Tricia for years – but now I have two Tricias in my team and another one in the Department.

Have just emailed good friends in the US and am delighted that Renata is coming to Liverpool early February.

Also date set with the Officer re the ‘Ashes’ – the time is now right.

But of a jumble this blogg – but that’s probably because that’s how I feel!

A better day

Today was much better – mind I didn’t go out of my comfort zone at work – but that’s OK.

Another reason I was so upset yesterday was actually a lovely one – when I came home from work there was a Christmas card – which had been sent by Chris’s friends and colleagues at Clarence Street – it was an Oxfam card which ‘Teaches a teacher’ somewhere in the world. I’m looking at it now and am very very moved by the kind thought – it makes me cry but that’s not a bad thing!

Dial-a-Deli came yesterday and I bought all these new things – things for two - like two rare breed pork chops and two free-range chicken kebabs. Seemed a good idea for Jim and me on a week night. I have decided to cook more vegetarian stuff over Christmas and to actually consult recipe books – I have never really done this – I always just cooked what I knew - but Chris always liked to try new recipes.

Gilly is coming round for tea tonight - she and her sister Clare from Australia - called round briefly on Sunday – but it will be nice to see Gilly – apparently the boots fitted perfectly!

Well today was horrible.

Yesterday was too good – back home and happy to be so – bad night of sleeping – then into work with a vengeance! My first real meeting – I made the assumption that people would know – and was faced with ‘Why haven’t you done this?’ To which I had to reply – because I haven’t been in work for a couple of months – to be met with ‘Why?’ in a public place – it was so hard – I had to give reasons – with half the people cringing knowing why and others looking for an explanation – it was horrible – but I suppose it was an important first – I struggled – and will probably continue to do so – anyway on top of a bad nights sleep and jet lag – it was grim.

But I did it and though I feel like shit tonight – work wise I hit the wall of nearly walking out – but I didn’t and I talked the talk and did my stuff – so that’s good.

It was then compounded by going to the bank to pay in some cheques in Chris’s name with a friendly bank teller – saying – ‘Hi haven’t seen you for ages’ – despite the fact I handed him the Probate form – so in front of loads of students etc – he‘s saying ‘How are you?' I just wanted to run – but again I didn’t – so that’s another good thing – though I so understand people who do – anyway he said ‘ You look well – all things considering.’ My mind is boggled – I don’t know which side I’m on – his being up front - being positive to my face – or other people running away from me!

Anyway having talked to my three sons – all differently – about how difficult I found today – and that’s how lucky I am. Trying my best to think positively tonight – yes I am lucky – yes I’m not doing this on my own – but yes – it is very hard.

Anyway I will now email my friend Rene and Renata is on Skype – I’m not going to let a bad day get me down.

Happy to be home

It is so nice to be home.

Just made the boys banana pancakes with sausage and organic maple syrup – and it is definitely one of my favourite thing feeding boys pancakes!

Had a good run in the park – the mp3 player chose Leonard Cohen and Ray Charles – both nice and slow – and finished off with Pulp – ‘Common People’ live at Glastonbury - for many reasons one of my Desert Island choices.

Expecting a couple of visitors later on and just feel so pleased to be back home!

Back home

It’s lovely to be back home though I found the process of coming home really hard.

We had been working away, filling the rest of time with companionable shopping and fine Boston dining when suddenly it was the last day, bitingly cold winds so we pottered, buying hats, souvenirs and make-up until it was time to go to the airport.

At some point during the day the recognition that I was going home to a ‘Chris-less’ house hit me and I struggled.

Trish, Mary and Janine were lovely and the made it easier for me. Anyway the flight was OK, we slept and then I was home.

I have now picked the dog up, slept for a bit and admired Jim in his new jeans and feel so happy to be home, drinking one of Rob’s cup of teas – he makes the best cup of tea in the world!

So back home feeling safe – just going food shopping with Rob - Aziz and Jamal around at 4 ‘til Monday – Peri is taking her choir to the final of the BBC Choir competition.

I am so lucky.

I woke very early yesterday and felt very homesick but when I met the others for breakfast – they were all feeling the same. Finally worked out how to use to phone card from the hotel room so I talked to both Rob and Alex and felt better.

In the morning we looked around the downtown area, visiting the African Meeting Hall and school. Later we had a long meeting with another Foundation which we all felt went very well. Then Charlie took us to dinner with Joan.

Am very ready to go home today and feel that it has been a successful trip. Not just for the team but for me personally. It has been a long week and I do struggle whenever I come to America with the wasteful approach to the environment epitomised in the monstrously large cars and portions of food etc. However the people I meet are also just lovely and the best bit of this trip has been meeting some old friends and I have enjoyed and appreciated their love.

The weather forecast for today is snow.

This is a picture of Trish and Janine at the Old State House in downtown Boston - this is where the whole Boston Tea Party kicked off!

Well Brenda’s hug was bone crushing!

We went round Dorcas Place which was mind blowing and then the others went off to a Family Literacy Center and came back just full of ideas – which was good – I told Brenda the story of my last two months which weepy but also good.

After lunch I drove us back from Providence and we called into a Mall and I did some shopping – taking advice re my new image. Got back at 7 to a message from Charlie re an event which started at 7 – so I just went – it was an amazing ‘event’ celebrating the 200th anniversary of the building of the African Meeting House of Boston – very though provoking – but in my current frame of mind – there is little that isn’t thought provoking – especially being here in America.

I am feeling very tired now and more than a bit emotionally drained after today – but also very positive about the exciting potential of the work stuff.

Today was probably the hardest day of this trip – probably because I am close to Brenda and she is feeling for me.

Joan and I went out last night and ate blue fish and talked work which was good. Today we are going to Rhode island to see Brenda’s adult center. Brenda always greets people with a bone crushing hug and Joan and I were laughing that I ought to wear some of protection because we both knew that the hug I get later today will be a serious bone-crusher and I look forward to it!

I find America a hard place to be comfortable in because of the extremes for example the homeless sleeping rough in the affluence that is downtown Boston. I know that these extremes are visible in Europe but the contrast is so much greater here and I know we will see that today in Brenda’s center.

Spoke to Gilly last night , she and Jim seemed to be fine and she was thrilled to hear about her boots!

A very early start this morning – didn’t sleep well at all.

Yesterday was really good – started with a snow storm – but the day got beautifully sunny as it went along.


We did our stuff at one of the Foundations and I think we made an impression – I was very proud of my team. We then went to UMass and I met my dear friend Joan whilst the others met staff and students. Dinner with Joan and Charlie – was lovely and then back to the hotel – I was so tired that I went to sleep too early. The others were waiting for Serena to arrive from UConn.

I have a growing feeling that this trip is important to me on several levels – and it is making me increasingly aware that I am now in a very different position to when I was in New York in mid September. With Chris no longer a physical part of my life – I am now facing a completely different set of choices for my future.

I know I must take my time and not make any hasty decisions. However I am aware that even without making decisions – I am starting to look at things quite differently – and I think in order to rebuild my life I do have to look at things differently.

Today we taking professor Fluffy into a school – Janine and Trish are nervous but I am looking forward to it.

Another early start – but I slept which was OK. Yesterday I had a wonderful afternoon with Ingvild – she is a remarkable young woman. We walked around the downtown area – it was very cold but bright and sunny. This is Ingvild next to the ice ring at Frog Pond.

I told her about Jimmy’s text – which had I recieved on landing in Boston – wishing me a good trip. When I thanked him on the phone – he told me he had put his alarm on for 7.30 on the day I left - so he could text me and it would only cost him 12p! I was very touched by this as it showed how much he had thought it through - me going away - him concerned about me – but also being cautious with his money - he is his Father’s son!

We talked a lot about Chris but we also talked about her experiences of living in New York. America is such a country of contrasts.

Trish, Mary and Janine shopped ‘til they dropped and got me Gilly’s boots which was good. We went for another amazing meal – and all managed to stay awake until 10!

Charlie is due to pick us up shortly and then we will have to start working!

It’s 7 o’clock Sunday morning Boston. We arrived early afternoon yesterday and had a nice wander around Boston getting increasingly tired/spaced out as the day went on and on and on…

I finally gave up at 9.30 and went to sleep in the wonderful bed – it has buttons to press to make it softer or harder – great fun! Woke up early and went for a swim in the hotel pool – that was really good as it’s Sunday and I usually have a run so I did some made up water aerobics for half an hour as I had the pool entirely to myself - but it was 6 o'clock!

I then spent another half an hour trying to remember my login for the blogg – I was so pleased when I got it right - as writing this blogg is important to me - at the moment it feels like me ringing up Chris and telling him about my day. Pause for little weep and cup of tea!

I brought several herb teabags with me which are nice when your body’s confused by time changes. Here is picture of Boston this morning.

Mary, Trish and Janine are going to a shopping outlet today – I am meeting Ingvild who is coming over from New York where she is working for a year. We will also meet up with Charlie so I am looking forward to my day with these two special people.

Someone wrote to me the other day about feeling like they were on a roller coaster and I replied that is exactly where I am in my life – an emotional roller coaster. Tonight was not hard – on a scale of things - I’m doing OK – but it was a hugely emotional evening – and I had one of those last night – and yes the night before!

But tonight - several factors – Nita and Neil’s 10th wedding anniversary held in the Sefton Cricket Club – I had been worried about other things so finding myself in the Cricket Club on a Friday night- I hadn’t really thought about that – I'd been there not so long ago at Chris’s funeral – so that added another layer of emotion – add-on good friends who haven’t seen me since the funeral – emotional!

Nita and Neil – well………………how do I start – going back to Jan – my life with Chris – the inter woven relationships etc etc - the strength of Nita – an extra-ordinary woman - Pat making a very moving speech – my Rob being amazing – Jim – and I hadn’t even thought of the Cricket Club thing!

Background – long and complex – Neil has Huntington's Chorea – a cruel disease which has robbed Nita’s lovely husband Neil of his ability to walk, talk and communicate.

Nita is amazing – she knows, lives with and triumphs over Neil’s viscous degenerative disease and the wonderful celebration of their 10th wedding anniversary – 20 years of being together (still ongoing at the Cricket Club) was fantastic.

On top of this I am going to Boston tomorrow.

But tonight I met again Nita’s friends and bingo partners – both wonderful widows in their 80’s – and as they topped up their orange juices with vodka from their handbags – they said to me “ You just have to get on with it girl!” and they are so right!