Back in Boston

This time with Jimmy. We arrived yesterday and went out on a boat round the islands - a good way to compat falling asleep!

This trip is a mixture of work and holiday - and I had a very good meeting today - seems a strangely natural thing to do! I have thought quite a lot about the Tricia that was here in December - it is good as I can see how far I've come on in a few months. I am so pleased to have Jimmy with me - he's fast asleep as I type - the combination of 5 days at the Leeds festival and jet lag having caught up with him.

The small hours

I am currently very obsessed with the fact that soon it will be a year ago that Chris died. Lots of stuff involved with this, firstly my lovely Chris has not been with us for nearly a year – that makes me cry as I type – unbelievable – yet reality. Secondly I am so proud of myself and my boys – moving on – looking positive – doing what we have had to do – and all of us doing it really well. Thirdly – meaning of life stuff – I have had so much time to think over the last year – my brain hurts!

So it is Friday night – I am in bed ridiculously early but Jim is away camping at the Leeds festival – and I have had a pretty emotionally topsy turvy week. Lots of thinking about the future…. It’s now ridiculously early Saturday morning and having fallen asleep – I now can’t sleep – too much whirling around in my head.

The small hours of the morning are when small worries become big and the world seems a pretty hopeless mess. Chris knew this time very well – he never slept well and sometimes – for months at a go - he would get pain during the night – he was amazing as he would be awake for hours during the night but then get up and live his normal day.

When he died Chris was tired. I had in my heart known that he would not live to be an old man. I think I had known this for a long time. That didn’t mean I expected him to die – but from the minute I got the phone call from Jimmy – I knew he was going to die.

I think this knowledge has helped me a lot over the last year – as I don’t think 'I wish Chris was here' – what I do think is – 'I miss you so much but I’m not unhappy that you have died'. Writing that sentence was difficult as to say I am not unhappy that Chris died sounds terrible – but what I mean is – Chris was tired and as Alex said at the time – 'He died as old as you can be to die a young man.'

Does that mean Chris was ready to die – not ready as in wanting to die but ready as in prepared to die – yes I think so - he had had so many small hours of the morning to think – too many – he wasn’t afraid of death – he had been so close in the past. I suppose this insight made him the lovely special man that he was. The lovely man that is now gone and that we must live without.

In someways this blogg has helped me understand that all this thinking that I am going through is also preparing me for my own death and part of the process that we all have to do in recognising our own mortality. Who said small hour thinking is cheerful!

So big breath, little weep – recognise my good luck and fortune and it is time to go back to sleep. The birds are starting to sing.

Half way through the summer of 2007

I do find it weird to be me at the moment – I feel I’m neither one thing or the other at the moment – coming up to a year widowed but still feeling like I’m the person I was before Chris died - but obviously am not – knowing that I am going through a period of transition to become the person I will become when I truly understand being widowed – i.e. accepting that Chris has gone but before I become the post Chris person I have to think through who I am - but the bottom line is I never really thought through who was previous me – let alone a new me!

Anyway – post Chris Trish has just spent a happy few days in Rome with Gilly – good fun but it felt like a weekend away so when I came home it felt even stranger - Alex being home with his girlfriend Lara was another first - missed Chris badly - I think we all did. Then back to work the last couple of days – that also feels a bit weird as I’m always away at this time of year and it is strangely quiet – not feeling totally motivated – not certain why – suppose just have to get on with it – accept things – I think that must be the phase I’m going through at the moment - acceptance – think that’s right – as accepting Chris is no longer here is my current obsession.

But – and I always have to find a ‘but’ – acceptance also involves recognising what I’ve got –how much luck and fortune I’ve had – and also the strangely growing feeling that I can see a future for me – two things being very clear - being the best Mum I can be – and continuing working in an area that I have passion for – but there is strangely growing recognition that there is a world that I have yet to enter – I suppose this is the post Chris world.



So here is me - post Chris Tricia at the Trevi Fountain,Rome 2007. Life is strange!

Painting the kitchen

Jim and I have spent the last week painting the kitchen - it's now blue!


Painting was the easy bit – sorting out before was not easy. The kitchen is the heart of our house and somewhere very much of Chris. The parties, the cooking, the conversations…. where Chris was Chris at his best. So painting it was a brave decision – I’m not certain why I chose now – it wasn’t really pre-planned – it just seemed the right thing to do last week.

Anyway Jim and I did it together – we had to make hard choices - like a colour that wasn't yellow - and then it did seem to involve a lot of work - having a tall boy around made painting ceiling easy though! I struggled a bit with the cookery books – then had the brainwave of taking a pile into work where they were snapped up like hot cakes which made me feel they had all gone to good homes.

When I first met Chris he had never even boiled an egg but over the years he had come to love cooking and he loved his cookery books. The sorting process wasn't straight forward as it involved me in getting rid of all his bookmarks and annotated recipes - they are hard things because they are so personal.

So tonight Jim and I feel very pleased with ourselves – job well done. Earlier today I did worry that we had possibly made too radical a change – and the empty feeling last night of a big empty, echoing room was a bit grim but tonight when we put things back – it felt great – I thought it was going to be very new when it suddenly felt normal again – but different. Which is the story of my life at the moment.

Anyway of to Rome tomorrow with Gilly for a few days - normal but different!