New Years Eve

Woke early - though really wanted to have a lie in - but have lots of thoughts running around my head - primarily about my party. Usual stuff - what if no-one comes - that and what if I feel really tired and want to go to bed - am so full of cold - started a few days ago but am determined not to let it get on top of me.

Think some 5 Rhythm dancers will come and some friends and neighbours - and the Hayhursts - worth having a party for that alone! Franja and Jan seem to be enjoying themselves - yesterday we did the Gormley statues - Jan was not impressed by 100 naked men on a freezing cold wind swept beach - but the home made pizzas with Rob and Jimmy went down well! He has not travelled to the UK before so it's all a bit of a culture shock - Franja and I just talk all the time which is wonderful.

So tonight I will have a party and tomorrow will be a New Year - my third without Chris - a long time but a blink of a time - but that is life - and I must cherish every second of my life - it's so short. Feel very peaceful about the New Year in the sense that I don't feel anxious about the challenges of 2009. I can see some, my parents, my job, some individuals, behind these I can see some context of the world and our problems - many and painful, but feel strong in myself - which is good. Think I will do another EI weekend - hopefully in March - as the last one has changed me, perhaps not changed me - but given me a focus and clarity to my life.

But now I must walk my old dog - this might be his last New Year, wake up my lovely youngest son to continue his revision - he is getting very tired of school - few more months and then hopefully university. Then shopping for the party with Franja and Jan - I think Jan is definitely more excited about going to the big Tescos than the party!

Sending love to my two other beautiful sons, Rob at work, Alex in Spain with Lara's lovely family, and all my family and friends and especially to you my blogg readers- here's to being strong in 2009. xxxx

Christmas was lovely....

A Christmas of elderly parents, lovely boys, family and an old dog. We arrived home yesterday after quite an intense few days. My Mum is getting increasingly repetitious and starting to show other signs of mental dis-engagement. My Father is mentally very alert with complete recall and knowing what's going on but because he can't hear and is increasingly getting frailer, he worries about Mum terribly. But they are a marvelous couple and my Father's love for my Mother is a testament to their long lives together. My Mother loves my Dad dearly but is more self focused and just assumes he will be there to sort out everything.

And then my beautiful boys - giants against their grandparents, wonderful, laughing, considerate, unselfish - 4 days with your Mother and Grandparents is quite a big ask - I never hesitated - just assumed - makes me feel very proud. Robbie is going to go over weekly to Mum and Dad's - which was welcomed by Dad in particular.

Saw all my sisters and all my nieces and one nephew and generally had a very warm and precious Christmas. Don't know how many more we will have in Grove Park - so I did treasure this one.

Franja and Jan arrived late last night and I can hear them stirring so will blogg more later in week.

Home from Finland

It was really good - I learnt a lot - though it wasn't easy - but I'm glad I went - though Finland in December is a strange place to be - the weather was warm for Finland but pretty cold - the biggest thing was the lack of daylight - it got light so late and dark so early - but because it was so overcast - it was just a heavy greyness. It was lovely to take the dog for a walk today and see the sun and blue sky.

Got home yesterday evening for Rob's birthday - it was a really special evening - as we couldn't be sure we'd be home in time to go out to a restaurant - so Rob cooked - he's a brilliant cook - he had some of his mates and Gilly and Nita - and it was a lovely evening. Quite a long day as Finland is two hours ahead so I was awake from 5.00 am - but a really special evening - my lovely Rob is a wonderful young man.

Feeling full of energy and happy to be home - life's good.

Still living through last weekend

Been a very busy week - and have felt a bit detached/not really connected with everyday things this week. Just came back from London tonight and have worried a bit that my judgements have been a bit overt - saying what I really think rather than possibly moderating them. Just doing what I want do.

Have just gone with my feelings - very aware of last weekend and still just starting thinking things through. It's now quite late Friday night and my mind is still racing. Not unhappy - in fact very happy - but also very tired. Am now building up for Finland - been a bit worried all week about what is expected of me - but I will just have to get on and do it

I'm also only back for a couple of days then going with the boys to my parents then back on the day Franja and Jan arrive and then it's New Year and my party. That's worrying me a bit too - don't know if I've really invited all the people I want to invite. Haven't started doing any Christmas stuff either.

Well big breath - how lucky am I - time for my mantra - it is just so true!

Back home and feeling very peaceful

Wonderful feeling of peace and purpose. Finished off the whole process by dancing tonight. It was a Peer Group, full of energy and absolutely wonderful.

Will have to take time to think through all that I have experienced over the last few days. It all feels very good and right, it has also consolidated so much of my thoughts and feelings over the last few years.

I obviously thought and talked about Chris and that was also a wonderful thing to do. At one point I can recall talking about Chris moving from the 'dark' to the 'light' as apposed to how death is usually perceived as a movement from the 'light' to the 'dark' and that sums up the whole thing to me. I also talked about actually intuitively understanding this at the time - though this was the kind of insight that the actual process gave me - making sense of lots of things.

So a truly enlightening few days - and that was what it said on the tin!