Making marmalade....

.... it has been a poignant and beautiful day......... making marmalade..

This has been a day long coming, discussions about making marmalade have been going for over a year and today Jimmy and I went and symbolically made marmalade.

My parents have always made marmalade and bramble jelly - can´t really remember any other jams being made, but throughout my childhood the rituals of making marmalade in January/February and bramble jelly in August/September were very closely observed leading to jars of both always being there for breakfast for the rest of the year. Even after we left home, we would be given jars when we visited or were visited.

So my parents now 90 and 93 have continued to make marmalade every year.... bramble jelly involves hedgerow brambling and this has not been on for them for a few years ... and marmalade has been getting harder and harder as their frailty made it very difficult. The prospect of super-hot pans were very worrying from a distance - Rob taking a watching brief the last couple of years.

However at Christmas it emerged that my Father felt, strongly, that although Rob had been around he hadn't really understood how to make marmalade properly! So it was agreed that I would help them make marmalade this year in order to learn how it should be done. I had helped as a child/teenager but on a 'do this/that' basis... though with fond memories - which were there today for me... how blessed am I....

However back to the story... my parents being my parents, didn't wait for me and have made 2 lots on their own already this year - amazing - anyway the first lot was hard and the second lot was a bit of a disaster, and obviously caused upset with half the oranges being unused. This was my opportunity to insist that I really wanted to learn how to make marmalade and that these should be saved until I could go over. The first time was today and I went, wonderfully accompanied by Jimmy.

... and we made marmalade - as instructed by my beautiful frail and increasingly sleeping father.. he is holding on because he still has things to do for my mother - like being there - staying alive - but he is so tired, he is sleeping increasingly.

My Mum is being so strong - recognising - though forgetting - she now knows and can talk about him staying alive for her - she's not ready to go - driving the car and swimming 35 lengths every morning... but she also knows and can talk - but with care and love - that her world is his world - their shared world of over 65 years... buff..... she recognises this dependence but she is so amazingly strong - despite fighting with her memory and her fear...... what an amazingly wonderful woman my Mother is...........

... and their shared world includes making marmalade!!

So Jimmy and I went over early, and made marmalade ... my Father was very insistent on the right way of doing things - he was passing on a legacy - my Mother recognising this - and went to the front room - leaving us alone with Dad - a rare and special concession.

The instructions were spoken with difficulty - and Jimmy and I muddled along - wrong type of oranges, too many, not enough/too much sugar, wrong sequence of things, uncertainty of what we were supposed to be doing, not helped by me cutting my thumb on one of my Father's razor sharp knifes quite early on!!

Anyway we made wonderful marmalade... beautiful generationally bonding, memory legacy, re-affirming joyous jam!!!! My Mum said to Jimmy .... when you're an old man making marmalade - you'll remember making it for the first time at your long dead grand-parents home.... buffffff!!!

The unspoken was..... that they will never make marmalade again....... bufff... grief needs to be recognised but not dwelt in.....

bit knackered...

....which is not surprising as I danced until after 5.30 in the morning and have been awake since 8.30 - dozed briefly on the train back from London - but actually I think I do have quite an impressive amount of stamina!

Went to London for a party on a barge and slept, briefly in a houseboat, along with a load of others - bit of an old hippy as my boys would have it - wore my new and delicious purple velvet corset - had to get tied into it - not something you can put on yourself - just loved the party it was truly magical - I danced with joy much of the night - only knew one person there - to start with - but we are a relatively new but very very strong connection - so didn't hesitate to go - and quite rightly - absolutely had a ball -though I did fall asleep and snore - gently I hope - before the party finished at 7.

So a slice of my life - just going for it - treasuring the richness of people in my life - so many powerful connections. Just following the connections................ This is not just in my personal life but also professionally... just following the connections...........

Got back and had Becki round for tea which was lovely, as I haven't spent time alone with her for a bit and there has been a huge amount going on in her life - so that was very special - then have been uploading Jimmy's birthday present - over 200 songs - his Father's son - diverse genres of music across a range of decades, countries etc. He put them together - selected and ordered - just for me - how special is that! Paul and Sue they are on your way!

Work quite full-on at the moment - off to Brussels this week - hopefully to finalise SiS Catalyst - though I have had to start the details of delivery - quite a complex game - but deeply enjoyable.

So my weekend was - did the quiz via Skype with my 3 sons on Saturday before going to an all night party in London - getting home to eat a lovely dinner with my beautiful niece followed by several hours of listening to new music - selected just for me by my youngest son - soon it will be time for some sleep - tomorrow being another day - and of course Monday - dancing! Wow wow wow - how blessed am I???

Birthdays, synergies and connections...

Came back from Ireland this afternoon - again! - but this time from Belfast - having been in the North and the South for several days.... lovely, lovely weekend topped off a very busy and extraordinary couple of days working in Dublin.

My life is truly extraordinary..... as I didn't arrange anything yet found myself in the right place, really connecting with the right people with the flow of ideas and creativity visibly streaming and whirling around us!

I am finding this happening increasingly.... not 'making' anything happen, just 'being' and then going with the flow..... it is strange and very beautiful, with the synergy and linkages between things and people... just being there..... effortlessly. They are also so very inter-connected, leading on seamlessly one from another.

For example people say 'How come your son lives in Croatia?'....and the answer is a story... which weaves in and out of coincidences and 'opportunism' - 'going through doors' as they appear in our lives. I say 'our' lives as I'm not the only one doing this, the people I connect with are also doing the same thing.... 'going through doors' as they open up in front of us.

So this was the first birthday weekend, my birthday falls on Wednesday, shared by another birthday girl (Tuesday) a joyous weekend of laughter, wonderful food, picnics in the rain, the Giant Causeway at dusk/in the dark, long conversations and a house just made for cloud watching.

So a birthday week... will be busy, as I have a lot to do at the moment, but feel refreshed though quite tired tonight... and then the second birthday weekend in London.... a party on a narrow boat, but who's or where - I have no idea - looking forward to that! An example of my life at the moment, going through a door without knowing where it will lead to, who or what is on the other side..... but hey isn't life just so exciting!!!!

shedding fear and having faith!

..........well have been shedding fear for a while now, increasingly recognising it´s negativity, being 'fearless' being a recurring theme in this blogg...

Now having faith is different - but an absolutely logical next step!

Just had a wonderful and anticipated conversation - love it - being the amazingly blessed person that I am - I talk to so many people - increasingly about my spiritual journey - all of these conversations are so important - because learning only happens when you communicate.

However there is one person that I talk to - who let's me talk/listens to me in such a way as to let me listen to myself - then to answer my own questions. He listens with an understanding and reassurance that lets me know that I knew it anyway!!!

So a wonderful conversation, building on three others this evening and an amazing weekend in Ireland. Going deep into ceremony, play, talking, listening and learning - and amazing food, good company and laughter - beautiful - but also the opportunity for growth - through - difficult to know how to describe it ... through consciously living... way to go!

Anyway the consequence of this richness is a powerful and heady cocktail..... of pure joy, lack of fear and a growing understanding of compassion.

This is the word of the week- COMPASSION - not an easy one by any means - but fundamental!

Through my conversations and learning of last few day have a growing understanding of the truth and importance of compassion - it is this that I have faith in - the most important thing in life! That was a conversation of several months ago which tonight made so much sense... buff learning - fantastic!!!

So the over-riding thought that is coming through all of these ....... is the need to have compassion for everyone - and that includes myself/yourself...

Back home.........

................ though not for long.

Beautifully refreshed after a week of Spanish food, company and family..... back at work but as someone commented on my Facebook last week - 'You are always on holiday!!!!' ... and he's right my life is so happy, it's like always being on holiday.

Not sure how I got here though - at what point did my life become a permanent holiday..... it is very strange to make the link with Chris's death - as this was the very worst thing that could and did happen in my life - but my current attitude to life - which is that every second is wonderful and must be treasured and enjoyed - as if you are on holiday - this way of thinking can be traced back to Chris's death.... and I suppose recorded in this blogg. When I was in Spain I went back over the last 4 years New Year bloggs and wow I have come a long way....

....started this yesterday but then got talking to people and never finished it...... another day and still smiling... but and it's a big but... I am also aware of grief... felt it strongly earlier on tonight... recognised it ... went there.... but then moved on... talked about it just now... the recognition of grief is really important, but recognising it does not mean dwelling on it, or nurturing it in any way... it means just saying ... "Yes grief I see you... I recognise you but that's it." Well that's that now back to the holiday!!!

Ano nuevo!

The new year was well celebrated amidst much grape eating and laughter - it is a real joy to be here for so many reasons. I have had a heavy cold which made me slightly feverish and very sleepy.... and I have maximised the siestas wonderfully, waking up to yet more beautiful food and company.... I have felt very indulgent, relishing and immersing myself totally in the luxury of it all.

I have also talked deeply with my sons which has felt very special as well - Rob and I reflected on our lives since Chris died and he talked to me - for the first time - of his fight with depression - I am still charged with emotion after that - the enormity of his journey shared.......

We also talked of our futures, his now in Croatia for the next year and then ..... anywhere - fantastic - also through the wonder of technology - communicating with others around the world - being in Spain and very aware of Hector being in India - magic..Talking - and understanding much Spanish - his gift to me!!!!

So another couple of days then home - briefly! My wonderful life,,,,, I am so very blessed and so happy - to be here - to be alive to be starting the year 2011 in peace - my open heart sends a blessing to you - thank you for reading this - with love xxxx.