Back home and it's Friday

It's Friday night and I'm pretty shattered after a long day at work but not complaining after having a lovely week away and now being very happy to be at home. Jimmy seems to have coped well in my absence and cooked well for himself - Rob was around - full of cold/flu but reassuringly present. My and Jim's new life has evolved as Jim grows older and we both get used to living without Chris/Dad.

This one paragraph blogg has taken me ages to write as my tiredness has really kicked in - it's Friday night and it has been a very very long week. Tomorrow I will hopefully sleep in and then do very little for the rest of the weekend - sounds good to me!



Reminding myself where I've been - back to the mantra - how lucky am I!

My birthday in Varazdin

Has been amazing!

In 1999 I found the FOI webcam when planning our first holiday in Croatia, and now 9 years on - I'm in my dear friend Renata's flat having had a wonderful day visiting a castle followed by lunch at Blazenka's after yeterday being treated to a birthday dinner at Violetta's - and Margaret and I are here to work - which between all the eating and talking about families, friends and the meaning of life we are doing!

I have no idea how my life and Varazdin have become so embroiled - but the reality is - it has and I am just so amazed and appreciative of this.

What more can I say....................

A how lucky am I blogg

It's very late and I have had just had a lovely lovely evening. Unexpected and arranged by Gilly - birthday meal at the Red Fort - 16 of us - and then drinks afterwards - and then I'm off to Amsterdam and Croatia tomorrow - just felt quite over whelmed by the love and affection of tonight.

It was in some ways the fact it was so unexpected that the amazingnuss of being with friends and being the focus of such a happy night was genuinely amazing

I know that I gain so much from my friends/family - but also being the centre of it tonight made me feel so loved - which is about as fortunate that any one person can feel.

How lucky am I?

Getting excited about the year to come!

I did so much the right thing by having this last week off and getting myself ready for the year to come. Did mundane stuff - like painting toilets - both of which are now repainted - though probably look very similar to what they did - which is OK - it's like my life - I know it's very different thought on the surface might look the same - but it's actually very different - but I also know the work this involves!

Anyway the time off and being on my own - painting etc was very good for me as it enabled me to think through my priorities for the next year. Made a few important decisions - though only about things that I can make decisions about - I also know that I must be prepared for the unexpected - but the chance to have some quiet time on my own has been very very good.

Had a lovely conversation with Sue tonight after inviting her to join my world for a week next September - a good decision which has added to both of our lives.

Then phone coversation with Nita - planning a weekend away - which she so much needs.

Boys are around - Peri's choir is part of the opening the new Liverpool Arena tonight - but I am very happy to be at home with the boys - Aziz watching 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon' - intently - Jamal is playing hand held computer game and pretending to watch - Jim's out at another 18th birthday.

We have had a good day - boys dropped off early because of Arena gig - so they came with me for dog walk in the park - followed by a Rob led Guardian quiz - I did breakfast - my favourite thing to do - and we did well in the quiz - which was nice - and then unusually for me - I felt at a bit of a loose end so I took the boys to the cinema.

My birthday on Saturday - and when out last night it was decided by Gilly - that we would all go out next Thursday night for a curry at the Red Fort - then off to Amsterdam/Croatia/Slovenia on Friday - work stuff but involving some of my favourite people - how lucky am I?

Bitter sweet thoughts

You only know what you have to lose when you have lost it – I have been so fortunate all my life – I haven’t had to face loss – parents still alive – married at 21 – 3 lovely boys and the love of a good man – all my problems have been really small – because I have just been too busy getting on with life.

I now feel that all aspects of my life are so precious – my health, my family, my friends, my lovely job – these are so much day to day acceptances of mine and yet so very very priceless.

As I look back at my past and as I start to see a future - I have such an over whelming sense of the need to cherish everything. Time is so short.

These thoughts also help me understand Chris more. His childhood and adolescence – the only very late child of elderly parents – who then so nearly died at 13 and then lived with constant and intense pain – gave him an huge understanding and love for life which I feel that I am only now starting to understand.

Bitter sweet thoughts and yes I do feel some regret – I wish I understood more whilst Chris was still alive – but also understand that I only know what I do now because he has died – but also because he had lived.

I thought about writing these things tonight and was aware that some readers are much younger than me – I thought - should I say what I think and feel and understand? - and then I remembered that you only understand things when you are ready. Chris’s knowledge is there for us all to understand but we probably only will when we are ready……

Terms of reference

Jimmy is watching something horrible on the telly – and having watched Sense and Sensibility with me earlier – it’s his choice - so I have opted for bed - to read my book/write blogg.

It is Sunday nights and I have been a whirling painting dervish all day/weekend – have now stripped, prepared, papered and bought paint and bits etc for both toilets – emulsion day tomorrow and both will be complete.

I recall doing something similar in my other life – but with Chris as ground crew and back up. Had a classic ‘out of my depth’ moment with tiles today – 4 tiny ones on a window sill in the upstairs toilet – needing replacement because they had broken – sorted in the end with slightly too large tiles from the shed – because they didn’t need cutting – a task just beyond Jim and I - though we did have a go – Jim was up for it but starting with old tiles was just too difficult – and I wasn’t prepared to buy new tiles – because I didn’t know how to cut them – and I knew we had some already. Anyway final result is idiosyncratic but OK - but as Jim said – it’s only a toilet!

It is only a toilet but it will also probably not get re-painted for several/many years and they needed doing. So I have nearly done them and am so far pleased with my efforts – the easy bit - the laminated post cards look great (they were the easy bit) though I have still not decided how to put them back on the walls. I’m toying with the glue gun - it’s these kind of small decisions – which tool – glue gun choice - that I really miss Chris. I have also been searching through the tools in the cupboard today as part of this process - and feel I should get rid of all of those that I don’t now what their purpose is. Chris was a man for first principal DIY – I was the labourer – together we made a great team! But I have done it with a somewhat bemused labourer Jim – so that’s good.

The process – which seemed to involve a lot of painting pipes – inaccessibly located behind toilets has given me time to think – and in many ways I wish I had started this blogg two or more years before Chris died because then I could make more realistic comparisons of my life pre and post Chris. I have painted the same inaccessible pipes before - but what was I thinking then?

So pleased that the toilets will be painted and hopefully look OK – they are only toilets after all – but also recognise that I take sole responsibility for them. Do feel a bit on my own through the whole process and that’s because I am.

Anyway my reflections whilst doing it was – what was I thinking before in similar times and I don’t think I know the answer to that! I do feel that I am a different person now – more thoughtful – though after all painting toilet is just that - painting a toilet – but sometimes it does involve more reflection!

2008

A new year starts today, my second without Chris.

I had a lovely New Year’s eve with Paul and Sue, two of my dearest dearest friends. We all went to the Kimberley Club, taking Kipper with us. He behaved beautifully despite the fireworks. I obviously thought about Chris a lot particularly in the Kimberley Club which he would have enjoyed so much, especially the pies (assorted) with proper mushy peas! But Chris is now a memory – he will always be an intrinsic part of me, because I am who I am because of Chris – but he has gone and we all have to move on.

So 2008 is underway and I think I am ready for it. I’m glad I’m taking more leave next week as I want to get the house sorted. I went through a necessary sorting and clearing out stage in the couple of months after Chris died and then a bathroom and kitchen stage last year but I feel the time has come for me to go to the next level – particularly in the backroom which is a real mess. I thought I would also paint the downstairs toilet – preserving the postcards in laminate. The dining room also needs doing and the hall and landing carpet – though maybe not all of that next week.!

I watched the birds in Paul and Sue’s garden this morning as I did at my Mum’s house and thought I’d put a picture of my all time favourite bird on my blogg – the long tailed tit. I didn’t take this photo but I wish I had – it is such a beautiful little bird.