The last day of April

It’s Monday evening and I have been dancing – I do so love it – I still cry when dancing but that’s OK – it’s that kind of dancing!

Rob and I had a big row this afternoon – deep stuff – we both hurt. We’re the other side of it now and have agreed to talk but not now - sometime soon. Rob is such a wonderful young man and has been so amazingly here for me the last few months - he is the last one I want to argue with but probably he will always be the first – anyway in some ways I am glad - as we now have to talk about things soon – I hope so.

Doug and Sue came up last weekend and that was lovely – it was also a bit hard as they are a couple from way way back and now it’s two to one – but we had a lovely time – drank too much and walked the Gormley Statues and laughed and enjoyed ourselves. Gilly, Fiona, Rob and Jim’s mate Joe came to a barbeque on Saturday afternoon/evening and the Chimnea had a real baptism of fire (literally) as we sat in the dusk and darkness!

Still struggling at work – finding it hard to focus – I am too easily distracted – one email sends me off in another direction – I am so lucky with my team and boss as they all seem to understand and give me a bit of leeway at the moment.

But by and large OK – good bits and hard bits - and a recognition that’s OK – though struggling a bit with that. I am still amazed at how hard I am finding all this – I am a woman with a lot of capacity – child of wonderful (still very alive) parents, I had the love of a wonderful man for 35 years, three beautiful sons and a great job – what right have I to find life hard?

Hard but not unhappy – doing my best and what more can anyone say – and I know I’m so lucky! Tomorrow is May and that's amazing - doesn't time go by so quickly.

Bedrooms and changes

Spend today moving Jimmy into his new bedroom – something that both of us had got quite nervous about – but it was fine – we have had a really good today – putting together his new big double bed and sorting stuff – and Jimmy himself commented that his old bedroom was really pretty disgusting and how his new one was so much better – so I am pleased that I pushed him into it.

It was more than a bedroom change as it involved him going through his past and moving on – we ended up at the Tip with about 7 bin bags of rubbish and all his GCSE papers are how in the re-cycling bag. We both had a good time going through his mementos of his childhood as that was what we actually doing – and all of them had involved his Dad in someway – but we had a happy day doing it – though both pretty knackered by this evening!

I had a wobble this morning when I started the process with Jimmy still in bed – as I found a bag of Chris’s clothes – I don’t know how they had got put away in a cupboard – but probably because they were ones I couldn’t bear to get rid of six months ago. I just filled up and sobbed when I found them. They are now in the bin. It was a shock to open this bin bag and to see the clothes and also to smell them.

The new shower is absolutely wonderful – I have had four in two days – so far – and I might even have another before I go to bed! Jimmy also loves it – the bathroom isn’t quite finished as it needs a new door and a bit more painting but it’s great.

Gilly came round last night and we had a barbie with Jim and then we sat outside with the new Chimnea and she told me all about Australia and I told her all about India – and it was a great evening. I’ve missed talking to Gilly and I am so pleased she had a trip of a life-time and such a wonderful time.

Yesterday I also went to Martin Mere with my parents and three sisters and saw a lot of ducks! It was lovely to see everyone but I wasn’t in very good form as I had found last week hard. I think I need to take things a bit easier for a bit – probably less so at home than at work – I was very exhausted by Friday evening and really quite wobbly.

So Sunday evening think I’ll try and take things easier at work – I don’t want to push myself into making mistakes and that’s what I’m worried about at the moment.

Steps forward and steps back

Today was a hard day - like many - the expression two steps forward and one step back was my motto today – I have spent the day trying to focus on the point that the net result is one step forward!

Today I also told my boss Anne that I am struggling - I think I am increasingly hiding it well - but at the moment I find everything so hard - she was great and after that conversation and a later one with a colleague Sue – I think I need to take care - people see me on the surface doing really well – and they don't know/understand that I am actually struggling so much underneath - and I veer between wanting them to know and wanting them not too!

I talked to Anne about how at the moment I have to question my judgement and decisions – I feel I have lost confidence in my ability to make decisions – and I think the new (as yet incomplete) bathroom may be a point in case!

I feel quite lost at the moment – on one level swan like – doing myself - seeming in total control – whilst underneath paddling frantically away.

I am also having a problem focusing – and following through things – I sit at work with the constant flow of emails and decisions etc etc and make some but because of indecision end up losing some.

That all looks muddled – and that’s probably because that’s how I feel.

Anyway – today was a Weepy Day – a step back rather than two forward.

Good things – I talked about this at work – I felt a lot of relief with actually telling people - and I also talked to all three of my sons – told them that I’m struggling - and that’s also probably not a bad thing – they maybe think I’m doing this bereavement stuff really well – which I am – but it is probably good for them to know- that I can so easily be blown off course.

Bottom line is their Dad, Chris would have wanted us to get on with it – and I am proud to say - we are.

Sunday evening

Lots of good first this weekend – though they all carried the bit weepy liability of being firsts!

Friday evening – I ended up going to Tesco’s because the electrician was here – then later after Jim went out I was on my own but happy to be so – being on my own has been a difficult thing for me – I was a young woman of 18 when I met Chris and our lives with three children at 6 year intervals has meant that I have not been much at home on my own – as I increasingly find this to be the case - I suppose I am not only getting used to it – but also starting to enjoy it – Friday night was a bit of a first for that – which was good.

Saturday started early with the electrician again and ended up at Grant and Erica’s for a barbeque – the weather has been un-seasonably good – and I really enjoyed their beautiful garden, good food and easy conversation – walking to and back over the park on my own was a first - a good one. Life with Chris was different – he couldn’t walk and so my new life style involves a different kind of mobility – I am currently recognising and then trying my best to enjoy the increased ‘freedom’/’difference’ that is my new life.

After the pleasure on Saturday’s barbeque I asked everyone back to mine for a Sunday one – Alex was home seeing his mate Scott who is in the army in Afghanistan for Saturday night – and Jim went to see Bob Dylan in Sheffield – but all three boys were around Sunday afternoon.

So I have now had my first barbeque – literally new as I had put our old and well used/well loved barbeque in the skip - and Rob and I had bought a crazy Spanish Chimney one in what could still be called bereavement shopping in January!

All heavy thoughts aside – I did enjoy it – the new Barbie is funny but cooked well – the company was good – my boys were loud and funny – and I can now have a barbeque knowing that I have done a post Chris one before!

Also I have now had two baths in my new massive and strangely shaped bath – no shower yet – or door but I enjoyed both of them greatly. I have also started reading again – going back through my old favourites – knowing that Jane Austen is pure displacement but enjoying the safety of her novels – three this week!

So back to work tomorrow – not for Jim as school has effectively finished for him this year – though he is still in a place of indecision – and I still don’t whether to push or to condone – but I suppose we will work it out – he knows he is loved – he knows at some point he will have to face the real world - but why should I force him to do what he is reluctant to do – work in progress – and maybe the bathroom will be finished this week – though like all improvements – a prelude for more work now needed!

Bit more cheerful

It’s Easter Sunday and Jim and I have spent the afternoon sorting out the back garden – it looks and feels good.

Felt a lot better today – spent a bit of time this afternoon re-reading some of the blogg – seeing it in black and white made me appreciate how far we’ve come. I am also aware that I write the blogg quite often when I’m feeling down and that most of the time am not as miserable as I seem to be!

Anyway feel happier tonight – have been thinking about change – I am starting to want change but also feel the comfort of things being the same – all be it different – that doesn’t make much sense! But what I mean to say is - I increasingly know I need to change my life – but at the same time I am reluctant to do so.

All the advice I have listened to says – don’t make changes to quickly – though in many ways changes occur naturally – for example the new bathroom seemed a good idea but the knock on effect is more change and like Jim when facing these I’m not sure I like it – but today I think I should make changes - nothing radical for a bit but accept that changes are good – even though in some ways they distance me from my life with Chris.

I suppose the Counsellors would have a name for this stage – I don’t know what it is but I feel that these small changes are preludes to bigger ones – but isn’t that what life is about?

Long blogg time

Saturday night in a dust covered house with no bathroom or upstairs toilet - but it’s all clearly work in progress.

Last Saturday night I was in the Black Bull Wolsingham, County Durham and the Saturday before in Peter Cats Restaurant, Kolkata.

Feeling very low tonight – I think the last two weeks have been a bit over-whelming – and it’s time to come down.

When I booked a cottage for Easter – Aziz and I chose it – sometime over the New Year – I had thought of the boys and visiting Heff places – but I hadn’t really thought through the fact of how strong my memories of Chris would be there - in the North East - mind – as Alex pointed out – what did I expect!

I just hadn’t thought it through- and I did seek it out – visiting places where Chris and his parents lived and where thirty five years ago I went up to meet Chris’s Mum - and thirty years - Strad and Jeanette etc - my whole adult life in many ways.

Being there with all five boys was lovely – we did several good long walks and visited special places and also a couple of special people – Alan and Moria. But the last few days I have been very sad and a bit weepy - I suppose it is very natural and normal – I am a widow of just six months – and that’s not a long time.

The thing I miss most is talking to Chris – I really wanted to tell him about India – and about my concerns about the boys, the world, my job and everything else. I have lots of people I can talk to – good friends, family, boys but the bottom line is I just miss Chris.

Strangely - I also missed my blogg last week – I had lots of thoughts going round my head and the blogg is my way of getting a focus.

So – here I am six months on – much better than the early days – functioning – all of us – not just me – I can see the boys moving on – the house changing – I think Jim is struggling with this – he has been amazing about being left in charge with Bernard the builder – but I have now proposed that he moves bedrooms and more changes – and he doesn’t want change – and I cry as I write this – as we have had too many changes over the last six months.

I just want the best for my boys – as every parent does – and it’s so hard to know what the best thing to do is – and in someways should I be doing anything – it’s tempting not too - I do feel incredibly close to my boys – they are just so lovely – and it was special to be away with them this week. Though I feel we are in a strange place – a place we would not have been in – for good or bad – who knows!

The boys are very sensitive to my feelings– although their reaction may well be diversionary and lead quickly to fart jokes –I do show them my feelings at the moment – whether I want too or not – it’s not like I’m weeping all over the place but firsts are firsts and I have had a lot of them in the last two weeks – six months – and my boys are sensitive and me being both weepy and trying my best not to be – probably fart jokes are the best thing!

Well – I have enjoyed writing my blogg tonight and I will now find a couple of photos – Northumberland and County Durham was also so beautiful…….