Thinking about things

It's Saturday/Sunday night and nearly 2 in the morning but I'm wide awake - thinking about things - large mug of chamomile tea to assist in the winding down process - considering I have been awake at 5.30 every morning this week - I should be sleepy - I think I'm extremely tired but not sleepy!

Went to a 50th Birthday party tonight - to someone that - because I met him him - when he was 19 and a student - and I was 25 and a mother etc - I have always thought of as a much younger than me - but tonight he was 50 - that felt weird.

There were lots of people there that I've known for years (decades)- some I talked deeply with - if only briefly - some I don't think I will ever be able to talk anything other than superficially with - and that feels a strange place to be - as I felt like I would have liked to have been able to talk to them.

Still feeling full of last weekend - and probably compounded by lack of sleep - I probably wasn't very diplomatic - but life's short and I really enjoyed seeing and talking to people who wanted to talk - but did feel a bit irritated by some of the others. From their point of view - I was probably too 'in their face' but also have probably always been!


Definitely time to go to sleep!

Back home but different

It's wonderful to be home and to recognise and cherish all the blessings that I have in my life. Whilst away I reflected not on myself but on 'an other' and it has left me with quite a different sense of things. Last time I was left with a sense of euphoria and joy, this time I can see those things, but I am also feeling strong mood swings.

I suppose I am just more aware of others. I went dancing last night and was very struck by how much my fellow dancers were getting from their dance. It was quite a different way of being at the dance and it is wonderful to be doing the same things that I always do but to see them differently.

Back into work today - feeling that it could be quite hard. Things are so fast moving and so full of pressures at the moment, and as much of this pressure is on others, I think I need to consciously try to keep my own perspective clear and focused.

Big things are also happening to others in my life, Perri has an operation today and Lara has her PhD viva tomorrow. This affects them but also the others close to them - it can be so difficult to be close to someone you love who is in hard place.

I thought a lot over the weekend of Chris's pain and how I had been a witness to his pain - which had been constant and sometimes un-bearable. Chris's strength was based on his lifetime fight with pain, a fight he rarely despaired of, though he lived with pain which would have destroyed most people. He did despair, not often but sometimes when the pain had been particularly ferocious, lasting over several days, constant remorseless pain with no sleep, just his lonely personal battle with pain. On these occasions he did despair, in the dark of the night, when he just had had enough, he would surrender briefly to despair, but the next morning he would get up, put on his cumbersome, heavy and painful legs and just get on with his life - he truly was an amazingly extra-ordinary man.

I can see the experience of the weekend will have affected me deeply but I know it will take time to assimilate it all. But now I'm me - back to being me - at home - with an incontinent dog that needs walking - a beautiful son that needs awakening and a job that needs doing! How lucky am I!

Feeling Exhausted but knowing there is more

Stuff at work beginning to feel a bit over-whelming but I'm definitely not on my own with this one!! Running to catch up with myself all the time - with a worryingly feeling of madness - currently underpinning many aspects of my professional life!

Am relishing - though knowing it wont be easy - the fact that I will going on another EI weekend tomorrow.

A strange feeling - and a joyous feeling - 4 days away from everything - except from those things that I think/and know are important - well no pressure there then!

Sunday morning and wide awake!

It's 2 am on Sunday morning and I'm wide awake - so I thought I'd have large cup of chamomile tea and do my blogg. I have just come from another wonderful party - my social life is extra-ordinarily good at the moment - a dancers party - in a beautiful house with a great open plan downstairs, wooden floors and doors that led into a huge garden - perfect for dancing!

I love going out with the dancers, it is so easy and so much fun. We don't drink very much, talk a bit - but even though I know them really well, I don't know what they do in terms of jobs - or really anything very much about them - but I know some of their beliefs and I know they care for me, and I know I really enjoy being with them - and of course I know how they dance! So we go to parties and dance and it's wonderfully easy and fun.

I am happy on my own and it's a good feeling. I think I'm in a new phase of my life - I have been a widow for two and a half years and I think I might be moving on from the grieving stage. Not sure yet because like all these things it will become clearer with hindsight. But I do feel a growing lightness and a love of life even though I can see and know that I have lost the love of my life. I think of the young girl Tricia at 18 meeting Chris and the woman Tricia losing him at 53 and it was a lifetime. I suppose what I'm feeling now is the recognition that I have a new life to live and I must treasure every second of it.

So time to try and sleep - though my mind is whirling and my feet are comfortably aching, but how lucky am I.

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m reflecting in the stillness of Sunday morning on an extra-ordinary weekend.
Friday night was Paco Peña, singers, Sense of Sound, a children’s choir and a Flamenco dancer – I don’t know what to write to capture the event – they played, sang, danced - A Requiem for the World - and it was magical and moving and its power is still with me. The dancer was extra-ordinary – the way his whole body moved – whirling, stamping, emotive – wonderful - I was transfixed. I went with Aziz and Jamal and the ‘girls’ and Hector had the spare ticket which was very appropriate as it was all in Spanish. So a magic start to the weekend.

Saturday night was the Spirit Horse Masked Ball and a truly magnificent event on many levels. The fun and enjoyment of dressing up, going over the top – we all looked amazing! Going with quite a gang of Liverpool 5 Rhythm dancers - and the pleasure of their easy friendship – and dancing - the opportunity to meet again with some of the EI people and make more sense of my own place in this other larger tribe - a truly wonderful occasion.

An amazing and beautiful night – this blog is just completely full of superlatives! But now the opportunity to reflect as always – how lucky I am - and to take the time to be genuinely thankful for this – which I hope I am. Off now for lunch with my parents and Becki, four generations of us will be nurtured by fish pie!

Coming up for air.....

Well that what it feels like this weekend. Have done very little for two days - except some Spanish - which is fun. Kept on going all week - rarely been so busy - day and evening - with visitors - early mornings trying to keep up on things - just remembered I started the week in London!

One morning - in the park with the dog - I felt a really big missing Chris wave - might have been 'cos I was pushing myself - but might have just been because it was! I suddenly remembered the moment I came back from work and found him in the garden with Jim and knew that he was going to die. I was reflecting on how I knew from that second that he was going to die - and I also reflected on how I felt at peace with this - even whilst it was happening. I have always felt at peace with Chris's death but I still miss him daily.

Anyway - new life goes on - dancing party of Friday night - I didn't think I was going to make it - because I was so exhausted but I did - and danced without stopping for 4 glorious hours - I couldn't stop - or I would have fallen asleep - where I stood!

Should be a bit quieter this week - hope so.

Feeling happy....

Well there's heating now and one room well on the way to be decorated but looking back at last week it really was a bit of a blur - so busy at work - then I was in Germany for a couple of days at an excellent conference - writing my presentation at 6 in the morning on the Friday - and last night arrived at Manchester and going straight to Paul's party - getting home this afternoon - I have just enjoyed myself so much - which is fantastic!

I also feel really full of energy - which is quite extra-ordinary as I have had very little sleep for several days - I was absolutely buzzing at the party last night- but the party had a wonderful atmosphere - and I suppose I just fed into it and from it! Off for a Spanish lesson now - and can see myself improving which is great - though the more I know the more I recognise I don't know - but that's just so true of everything!

Busy, busy, busy

Just mad busy at the moment - don't seem to able to catch my breath - feeling particularly knackered today but that's because I went out with Gilly to a concert at the Arena - her birthday present to me and then we went on - so didn't get to bed 'til really late - but not complaining because it was a lot of fun!

Work starts on the new boiler tomorrow and then the back room will be decorated - and then hopefully work down through the rest of the house. Jimmy has put a deposit on a house for September with his friends and then I'll be on my own, rattling around this great big house! I'm not worried about being on my own - there was a time the thought of it would have terrified me but I am very aware of how big the house is. Talked about it with Gilly last night and Rob this morning and I think it would not be a good time to sell the house and I don't know if a lodger is the right idea - as now I'm on my own it's OK. Anyway I know I'm right to get the house in order and to continue with getting rid of stuff and then I'll make decisions at the right time.

Another busy week coming up and no heating for a couple of days -uggh!

Lovely weekend - lots of boys

Alex came home Friday night - I had been away with the team for a couple of days - I do work with a great bunch of people - and after my Spanish lesson I went to the pub with Rob then talked with Alex - he had come home to help Jimmy with his maths and physics. Perri was busy Saturday so the boys came round early and Rob, Aziz, Jamal and I sorted out old books, which was a job that needed to be done. Then last night I went out with the 'girls' leaving five boys in front of a coal fire - doing what boys do. Then today I went for a walk with Aziz and Jamal in the park leaving Jimmy wrestling with maths with his big brother!

So a really special weekend - I just love feeding boys and they do eat a lot! My three are now watching the football in the pub and Kipper and I are slobbing in front of the fire - life's good.

Dancing Saturday

I had known there was a dancing Saturday coming up in Manchester but hadn’t realised it would be possible for me to make it - but I realised sometime during the week - that there was absolutely nothing to stop me – it was my choice - so I went and it was truly, truly wonderful.

It is difficult to explain to non dancers what we do but yesterday I spent 6 hours, 5 ½ hours as we did have a break in the middle, dancing. The theme of the day was the Body. Although we dance in a group and sometimes with a partner, we actually dance for ourselves. The teacher Andrew was amazing, the dancers were a mixture of groups and levels and I danced deeply and profoundly, probably the deepest I’ve ever danced. So a beautiful way to end my birthday week.

It did now however stop there, as I was invited to a birthday party last night, so soon after getting home I went out. It was a lovely party and I really enjoyed it but I struggled to keep my eyes open after midnight – all that dancing! – so I just came home. Time now for some serious Spanish, take the elderly dog for his constitutional and then I must go shopping – we are about four days into absolutely nothing to eat in the house – obviously except yogurt and honey!

Birthday weekend

My third without Chris. My first two years ago - was memorably awful! Looking back I was still very raw and though I thought I was getting there – the reality was pretty superficial - sorry D & M it was a truly dreadful evening!

I was talking about this to Gilly on Friday night, I had moved on enough to appear to be functioning - but I was in the duck on water stage – looking OK on the surface but pedalling away like mad underneath!

Last year I just removed myself from here and was in Croatia with Margaret, a good move - as Varaždin and dinner at Violetta’s, with Dragich and Renata was always going to be special and it was.

So this year, confidently saying I’m fine and genuinely believing it.

Looking back – I had a huge loss, my life partner of 35 years dropped dead - the first stage was just a lost fog – but say from my birthday two years ago - the last couple of years - I have felt two big and almost counter-acting forces. The first has been a growing recognition that I need to fill this monstrously huge gap in my life and a second countering force which involves fear of change. I suppose there has also been a third - very strong component which is that I am Chris’s legacy and there is a lot of responsibility that goes along with that. I think I can only now really start to understand what I have lost as I see how much I am filling the space with!

So it’s Sunday the 18th of January, I’m in bed with glass teapot of tea posy tea, sweetened by honey from Scottish bees, listening to a 45 minute CD of music I have made for the warm-up at Dancing tomorrow night, music which I can say is my choice and reflects my own tastes in music, though under-pinned by Chris’s (and increasingly Jimmy’s) musical preferences.

I will soon eat a home made yoghurt, sweetened this time by Slovenia honey and do some Spanish. Mi Español está mejorando, verdad! My year is starting to take shape, not certain where work will take me, but another EI weekend in March, a week’s dancing in Spain in May and a couple of weeks in Mali Losinj, how lucky am I. Today 14 or so people for a roast dinner here, tomorrow dancing and later in the Everyman. Chris left a big hole in my life and I can see that by how many people are needed to fill it!

Soon be time to take my old and idiosyncratically incontinent dog for a walk, not too far today as he’s a bit stiff after a special walk along the shore with Ioanna and Pete yesterday. Kipper has had a new lease of life with his medication from the Vets, which is lovely.

So - feliz cumpleaños a mi y muchos gracias por la lectura de este.

A new year ........................

Back at work this week - I have always found the first week back difficult. The dark early mornings come as a shock to the system. Picking up all the bits of work and looking ahead to another very busy year ahead, though an uncertain year, no routine forming in my working life - which is good but a bit scary too. Finding it hard to find my own focus when I look around in the context of the world and see all the mess that we humans have made, but knowing I can only do the best I can. Can see why people find January depressing.

But how lucky am I, having a lovely weekend, Alex and Lara home from Spain, Chilli Banana with the boys, Lara, Gilly and Nita on Friday. Fireworks to mark end of Capital of Culture with Perri, Lara and boys, then big tea and silly games in front of coal fire last night. Now Sunday morning time to take the dog and do my Spanish homework and appreciate my life and the new year underway.

New Years Day

It's now very late on New Years Day - and we have just had a lovely lovely day after a great New Years Eve Party. Last night - I'm not certain how - my whole house was full of great people - and we danced, talked, drank some wine, ate some food and just had a wonderful time. Mainly dancers - it was a very unpressurised night of uncomplicated enjoyment - now that's rare!

Today Sues, Paul and I tidied up - we all had a big breakfast, then Franja and I went for a walk, visited the Beech Tree, watched 8 episodes of Pride and Prejudice whilst drinking 'teaposy' tea, eating European chocolates in front of a big coal fire, played cards with Jimmy and Jan and again just really enjoyed ourselves. I should be tired as I didn't go to bed until 5.30 but still feel wide awake.

How lucky am I - feel this so strongly - I'm moving on - my life is changing so much - so many new people, so much to be thankful for - WOW!

New Years Eve

Woke early - though really wanted to have a lie in - but have lots of thoughts running around my head - primarily about my party. Usual stuff - what if no-one comes - that and what if I feel really tired and want to go to bed - am so full of cold - started a few days ago but am determined not to let it get on top of me.

Think some 5 Rhythm dancers will come and some friends and neighbours - and the Hayhursts - worth having a party for that alone! Franja and Jan seem to be enjoying themselves - yesterday we did the Gormley statues - Jan was not impressed by 100 naked men on a freezing cold wind swept beach - but the home made pizzas with Rob and Jimmy went down well! He has not travelled to the UK before so it's all a bit of a culture shock - Franja and I just talk all the time which is wonderful.

So tonight I will have a party and tomorrow will be a New Year - my third without Chris - a long time but a blink of a time - but that is life - and I must cherish every second of my life - it's so short. Feel very peaceful about the New Year in the sense that I don't feel anxious about the challenges of 2009. I can see some, my parents, my job, some individuals, behind these I can see some context of the world and our problems - many and painful, but feel strong in myself - which is good. Think I will do another EI weekend - hopefully in March - as the last one has changed me, perhaps not changed me - but given me a focus and clarity to my life.

But now I must walk my old dog - this might be his last New Year, wake up my lovely youngest son to continue his revision - he is getting very tired of school - few more months and then hopefully university. Then shopping for the party with Franja and Jan - I think Jan is definitely more excited about going to the big Tescos than the party!

Sending love to my two other beautiful sons, Rob at work, Alex in Spain with Lara's lovely family, and all my family and friends and especially to you my blogg readers- here's to being strong in 2009. xxxx

Christmas was lovely....

A Christmas of elderly parents, lovely boys, family and an old dog. We arrived home yesterday after quite an intense few days. My Mum is getting increasingly repetitious and starting to show other signs of mental dis-engagement. My Father is mentally very alert with complete recall and knowing what's going on but because he can't hear and is increasingly getting frailer, he worries about Mum terribly. But they are a marvelous couple and my Father's love for my Mother is a testament to their long lives together. My Mother loves my Dad dearly but is more self focused and just assumes he will be there to sort out everything.

And then my beautiful boys - giants against their grandparents, wonderful, laughing, considerate, unselfish - 4 days with your Mother and Grandparents is quite a big ask - I never hesitated - just assumed - makes me feel very proud. Robbie is going to go over weekly to Mum and Dad's - which was welcomed by Dad in particular.

Saw all my sisters and all my nieces and one nephew and generally had a very warm and precious Christmas. Don't know how many more we will have in Grove Park - so I did treasure this one.

Franja and Jan arrived late last night and I can hear them stirring so will blogg more later in week.

Home from Finland

It was really good - I learnt a lot - though it wasn't easy - but I'm glad I went - though Finland in December is a strange place to be - the weather was warm for Finland but pretty cold - the biggest thing was the lack of daylight - it got light so late and dark so early - but because it was so overcast - it was just a heavy greyness. It was lovely to take the dog for a walk today and see the sun and blue sky.

Got home yesterday evening for Rob's birthday - it was a really special evening - as we couldn't be sure we'd be home in time to go out to a restaurant - so Rob cooked - he's a brilliant cook - he had some of his mates and Gilly and Nita - and it was a lovely evening. Quite a long day as Finland is two hours ahead so I was awake from 5.00 am - but a really special evening - my lovely Rob is a wonderful young man.

Feeling full of energy and happy to be home - life's good.

Still living through last weekend

Been a very busy week - and have felt a bit detached/not really connected with everyday things this week. Just came back from London tonight and have worried a bit that my judgements have been a bit overt - saying what I really think rather than possibly moderating them. Just doing what I want do.

Have just gone with my feelings - very aware of last weekend and still just starting thinking things through. It's now quite late Friday night and my mind is still racing. Not unhappy - in fact very happy - but also very tired. Am now building up for Finland - been a bit worried all week about what is expected of me - but I will just have to get on and do it

I'm also only back for a couple of days then going with the boys to my parents then back on the day Franja and Jan arrive and then it's New Year and my party. That's worrying me a bit too - don't know if I've really invited all the people I want to invite. Haven't started doing any Christmas stuff either.

Well big breath - how lucky am I - time for my mantra - it is just so true!

Back home and feeling very peaceful

Wonderful feeling of peace and purpose. Finished off the whole process by dancing tonight. It was a Peer Group, full of energy and absolutely wonderful.

Will have to take time to think through all that I have experienced over the last few days. It all feels very good and right, it has also consolidated so much of my thoughts and feelings over the last few years.

I obviously thought and talked about Chris and that was also a wonderful thing to do. At one point I can recall talking about Chris moving from the 'dark' to the 'light' as apposed to how death is usually perceived as a movement from the 'light' to the 'dark' and that sums up the whole thing to me. I also talked about actually intuitively understanding this at the time - though this was the kind of insight that the actual process gave me - making sense of lots of things.

So a truly enlightening few days - and that was what it said on the tin!

Preparing myself for next weekend

Next weekend I’m going on a retreat, a 4 days Enlightenment Intensive programme. I heard about it a couple of months ago and felt a very strong desire to go to it. Now it’s got closer I’m beginning to get – I wouldn’t say worried – but certainly a bit nervous.

Have been feeling anxious for a few weeks now – not quite certain why – work – family - strong feeling of moving on. I’m also sorting and get rid of stuff – last weekend I had a moment when I realised that I could - and probably will live in another house! This is a big thought for me as I have lived in this one for over 30 years – it is the house of my life, the house of my life with Chris and my family. The realisation that I could live somewhere else was really powerful. At the moment I don’t want to, and can see no reason to move, but the fact that I can was quite exhilarating! Does add to this sense of uncertainty that I’m feeling at the moment. But it’s not a bad feeling. So next Thursday I go the Enlightenment Intensive in a beautiful place in Wales. I am anxious but also excited.

Last week I was in Barcelona, the conference was badly organised and not particularly useful, however I got a huge amount out of being there, and in particular spending a lot of time talking to Harinder. We have known each other, professionally, and as friends for many, many years and sometimes you can only understand things by talking to someone who understands where you are coming from. So we talked and talked and it was great! Barcelona was fun and I did speak and understand more Spanish, though it also made me aware of what a long way I’ve got to go. So time now for my Spanish homework. I think writing my blog is my homework for next weekend!

Sunny wintery showers....

...are not a bad thing - if you wrap up for the cold - and stay indoors when it's raining - and if you are outdoors when the sun shines through - it's magic!

I feel my life is a bit like sunny wintery showers at the moment, with lots of things happening. Some I've prepared for, like an anticipated busy time at work last week and some unexpected like my Dad going to hospital on Tuesday, hopefully to come out next week.

Between these ‘cold and rain’ times were real moments of sunshine, like being at the hospital with my parents yesterday and us sharing a joke - and really feeling the powerful love between us. But as these are winter showers I also know, I must treasure that love, as physically we may not share too many more moments like that.

Special moments this week, like being close to Rob when he was down and knowing that he would not stay there long – and he didn’t, thinking about that makes my heart sing.

I had a lot of visitors at work this week, and another sunshine point was a second hand complement, through which I was amazed to hear how someone felt I had impacted really positively on her work.

So winter showers are OK really and I suppose the secret is as far as possible to prepare for them and to really savour those moments of sunshine.

Busy week and the last ever parents evening ever................

This week flew by – work plus - dancing, two Spanish sessions with Hector, Jimmy Meet the Teach Night, a night in with a bottle wine with Deidre and a night out with Gilly and tapas. Busy, busy, busy which is good.

Fiona’s family is coping with a lot at the moment with Ian having an operation to remove a giant abscess on Monday and Becki having a baby next June. My Mum is very excited at the prospect of becoming a Great Grand-Mother again and my little sister will be a Granny!

This week I went to my last ever school parent’s evening - I have always deeply hated parent's evening - Chris used to go – and this one lived up to the others – and I found it a deeply unsettling occasion.

Jimmy is a student of extremes and he too was visibly upset by the process - what is about teachers! I felt extremes - a range of emotions from deep pride to frustration with Jimmy and extreme empathy and anger with the teachers we met. The end is in sight in that he is applying to university in Liverpool but obviously has to pass his exams this year. He is working, but passively – I think Jimmy is actually very shy. He can be the life and soul of the party with his friends but completely unable to ask a question of a teacher or a stranger – just like his Mother!!

I have consulted both Deirdre and Gilly and have decided to have a party on New Year’s Eve. For years Chris and I always had big parties and then there was a period of dinner party type New Years, some more memorable than others! Then for the last few years as the boys did their own thing, Chris and I went away for New Year. His last one we spent with Alan and Moira in Mallorca and was truly special.

My first New Year on my own I just had the boys round and we played cards. Last year I went to the Kimberley Club with Paul, Sue and Kipper and that was lovely. But this year I am going to invite anyone who wants to come to my house to celebrate the New Year.

Plenty of things to do first though. Boys coming round tonight so think I will make their favourite tea, tomato soup with croutons and I definitely need to get that back room cleared!

weeks flying by...................

Seem to be very busy at the moment and having that slightly panicky feeling that you get when you don't feel quite on top of things. Another busy weekend - Alex was home which was lovely and Rob and I went to Birmingham last night for Zahid's Walima. Going back to Birmingham for a meeting tomorrow and hoping I will get back in time for dancing. Feel I need to dance at the moment, gives me space to think by stopping thinking for a while!

In my Liverpool home

It’s good to be away and it’s good to be home. Out last night with ‘the girls’ all of us over 50 now! - and it was special to be with them, news and worries, laughter, talking, good food and wine, THE combination. There were 6 of us out last night, all of us living and facing different lives and futures, but we talked honestly, openly and supportively as old friends do. I also met a couple of my new friends and invited them to dinner at mine some time soon. Old and new friends filling my life with love.

Old dog getting older, quite wobbly on his feet now, so I will take him for quite a short walk in the frosty park, followed by boys for breakfast after I’ve been shopping and then as I feel full of energy I think I will start to clear out the back room. It is so full of stuff. Feeling very strongly that I need to get rid of the clutter. My problem is that much of the stuff is old, for example some of the books and embroidery in the back room are well over a 100 years old, so I mustn’t throw them away but pass them onto someone who would appreciate them, my problem is I’m not quite sure how – but once the decision has been made – I will find the solution!

Happy in Slovenia

Staying at Franja’s in Velenje in Northern Slovenia for a couple of days and then tomorrow I go to Varazdin. I’m not sure how I have got such a wonderful set of friends around the world, but I feel so much at home here it’s strange and wonderful. Last night we booked flights for Franja and Jan – he is so excited - to come to Liverpool for New Year - and we have talked and talked non stop since I arrived.

I was at a conference last week, and went out to dinner on Thursday night in Rotterdam, with someone that I knew, but hadn’t really talked to for over 6 years, and we had one of those magic nights. It started in the restaurant when the waitress asked us if we would like the Chef’s surprise meal and when we replied yes – this amazing dinner started to arrive – each element of which had been created with such care – and was accompanied by a glass of wonderful wine – it went on for course after mini course – and we talked and talked – magic.

I obviously talked about Chris and tried to explain how special he was, as she had never met him. Talking, also made me see how the sudden loss of Chris created such a huge void in my heart and soul – a chasm of emptiness – that sudden loss of the one person that I could talk about anything and everything to. I am only now really beginning to fill the void with friends, some old, some new.

Talking that night made me see more clearly and understood my bereftness - particularly in that first year – I can see that my heart was rattling around alone in a huge empty space! I think these reflections are also as a consequence of seeing the wonderful closeness of Ioanna and Pete as they live through their worst nightmare – their shared love is so visible and so special.

But here I am in Slovenia with Franja, and looking forward to being Renata tomorrow, and hopefully seeing some of my other Varazdin friends. My heart is filling up with love again and it’s wonderful.

Big and small things

This week has been a real roller coaster, starting on Monday morning with the news of Gareth's death, being with Dierdre, Richard, Pauline and Margaret and then being back at work. Going dancing on Monday evening and seriously stomping.

Working and getting stuff done. Not doing well at Spanish on Tuesday. Hector said I was so slow that people wouldn't wait for me to finish what I was saying! Then two evenings of old friends and the recognition of how short our lives are, and how lucky we are to be alive.

Last night, late on, I looked back at my blogg of Chris's funeral as I thought of Ioanna and Pete, and today I am going to their son's funeral.

The loveliest bit of my week was the arrival of a Hayhurst card.

As big things are happening, it is the small things that count.

Old friends and life and death

It’s very late and I’m wide awake – I was out tonight with old friends – sitting round a table talking with people - some I’ve known over 35 years – none I’ve known less than 25 years. Some of whom I see very often – some I haven’t seen for about 18 years. I think all of us found it a bit weird – we talked of everyday things but also of past shared experiences, memories, families – we also talked of people who weren’t there – and young people that some of us have never met.

I was also very mindful tonight, as many of us have been all week, of the death of Ioanna’s son – I told Erica tonight – at the end of the evening - as she had not heard and I wished I hadn’t but knew I had too.

So wide awake – and thinking – not a good combination for one in the morning with work tomorrow. Earlier tonight I wrote Ioanna an email as she had replied to my letter – writing that email also made me think – obviously about Ioanna and Pete and where they are now – but also about Jenny and Alan – where they were 10 years ago - and since.

Thinking about old friends - but in my email to Ioanna I also talked of new friends - and how some people become closer - and some more distant.

So I’m writing my blogg cos my brains spinning and sometimes you just need to tell someone - and I tell my blogg.

A blur of a week....

I had the office virus this week – it was not bad enough to keep me off work completely – though I did stay at home on Tuesday – and missed dancing Monday evening - but it did made the week a bit of a blur. It’s Sunday morning and still feeling a bit rough – but don’t think I can blame the virus for this one, more the excellent wine I drank at Fiona’s and James last night whilst eating a lovely dinner and putting the world to rights!

Have been trying to practise my Spanish - as Juaquina is staying next weekend, I’ve been working through my Spanish powerpoints of verbs - I've got them changing every 5 seconds now and they have helped me – according to Hector - he said that I have improved a lot this week - when made me seriously chuffed! – but I know I still have a long way to go. I think the Michel Thomas approach has also really helped me as it focuses on looking for patterns in the language rather than rote learning of verbs. It has made me think about ‘learning styles’ and how important it is to recognise your own. I just can’t learn lists – I need to use the words to find a purpose in memorising them – so I go around the house and park etc muttering away to myself – well next weekend I can talk to Juaqui!

Boys coming round later – don’t know what we’ll do – will see what they fancy – I can feel a mantra coming on – how lucky am I!

Sunday dinner in my house

A week last Friday when I made the Prayer Flags – I also went round the house – asking in every room for the spirit of Chris to ‘leave the house’ – that sounds heavy but it wasn’t – I hadn’t planned it – it just seemed the right thing to do that day. It was part of the process of moving on – a sort of cleansing – acknowledging that the time has come for him to go.

Anyway today I had a roast lamb dinner – Grant, Erica, Jack, Laurie, Perri, Aziz, Jamal, Nita, Gilly, Jim, Rob and me. A lovely dinner – I did the roast lamb with lots of vegetables and Yorkshire puds etc and the Luscombes did three gorgeous puddings. It was in many ways like so many Sunday dinners in this house – but it was also different – in that it was ‘Chris free’ – it wasn’t that we didn’t talk about him, because we did, it wasn’t that we didn’t love him because we all do – it was just that it felt ‘Chris free’.

Two years on is a different place - and did I so enjoyed today’s dinner – it was happy and just lovely – it also really made me recognise that Chris has now gone and after two years we must understand that he has completely gone.

I am the legacy of Chris – he made the woman I am – and I will always love him for that but I must also really understand that I now live my life without him. Profound thoughts after a special Sunday dinner.

Yoghurt and honey

It’s ridiculously early on Saturday morning – so early that I have just met Jim going to bed! He was in the front room with Richard and Jack – and I could hear their voices – deep and continuous – and I thought how wonderful it is that Jim has such a great set of mates and even though quite a few have gone away to uni – he has many still here – studying from home. I loved the continuousness of their voices, talking and talking.

Jim’s back at school and finding that a bit lonely – as there is only a handful of them from his original year left. The good thing is he goes to the library and works because he is on his own!

Rob passed his driving test this week – which means I’ll be getting the bus more often – it also makes things a bit easier all round! One of the reasons I’m awake so early is that I went for a pint after work - as I was on the bus – and then went to bed really early as I just couldn’t stay awake – it had been a pretty mad week at work as well!

So I’m in bed with a cup of tea – in the mug with flags of the world – and have just had my morning fix of yoghurt and honey. This is a legacy of my summer – home-made honey from Slovenia and Croatia – gifts from Renata, Ana and Franja and yoghurt from my yoghurt maker – purchased after staying with Tano and Juaquina in Gigon. I’m addicted to yoghurt and honey – it is just so gorgeous as they say in Asturias! They are also very symbolic of my new life and friendships – and if there were two things that Chris, who was not a fussy man, really disliked - they were yoghurt and honey!

I have also got a Spanish tutor Hector and I have made a rolling powerpoint of Spanish verbs which I will now spend time practising before my lovely old dog demands to go to the park – well at least it’s getting light now!

Thinking of Sue

Sue's Dad died on Monday and am so glad I sent them the prayer flags - thinking tonight about them - and other friends - making me recognise how important friends are to me - and have been - all my life - but the last two years in particular.

The weekend in stages...

This morning Sue phoned to say she had received their string of Prayer Flags - it was a special moment as I have thought over the last couple of days - am I on my own with this stuff - but Paul and Sue's reaction - and Gilly last night has been wonderful. The boys - Chris's sons! have now signed their own Prayer Flags which I have added to mine on the string in the garden and on their suggestion we have reserved two for Aziz and Jamal!

Tired tonight after a day dancing - lovely to come home to my three beautiful boys - we have just had tea - rather strange mixture of veggie things - but feel so happy tonight - and happy is good.

Prayer flags

Today I cut up some of the cloth that Rene took to the Sweat Lodge and made it into Prayer Flags, I then wrote my name on each flag and hung them in my garden for the wind to blow.

I took this picture from the spot where Chris last looked at the world.



Then as I had the sewing machine out I made the dog a new bed!

Now I'm going for a pub lunch with two of my beautiful boys and we have made a Chile sin Carne for the third one.

Second Anniversary

Two years on and I’m home alone – it’s Thursday night and Jim has just gone out after we had a fishcake tea together – this is one of our favourite teas – very quick – frozen haddock pieces from Dial a Deli plus mashed potatoes and ‘fish spice’ from my holiday in Provence with Gilly, all fried together served with peas!

Busy day at work – didn’t get home till late - have been aware all week, and particularly today, that it’s my second anniversary. Drove home deliberately via a different route – coming home from work, I often get a flashback to ‘that’ drive home – 'The' phone call from Jim - 'The' drive home – knowing in my heart of hearts that it was the end for Chris - coming home and finding him in the back garden – gone – and then the whole thing happening, the hospital – me and our wonderful boys - the long night - and then my lovely Chris was gone.

Looked back at last year’s blog I am amazed to see how much stronger I am this year – tonight I intend to have a couple of glasses of wine and - do things like look at photos and let myself wallow a while - because I think these are good things to do now and then - and it is the second anniversary of the death of my husband.

Am taking tomorrow off work – got lots of things to do and in some ways the feeling that I could have gone in – and even should have gone in tomorrow – makes me see how much further I am on this year. So tomorrow I am going to get a new back yard gate fitted and as Jim’s at home – Baker Day – and Rob’s coming round - we will go out for lunch somewhere and then Alex is coming home tomorrow evening. Then Saturday I’m going dancing.

I don’t think I would have done this anyway as nearly as well - if I hadn’t found dancing – even went dancing in Washington last Saturday – how amazing is that! I do love dancing it is just so important to me – difficult to explain why – but I find real release and peace when I dance.

So two years on – I’m me – the widow of Chris Jenkins, the international educator, the mother of three lovely boys, daughter of two elderly parents, sister, aunt and friend and colleague of many – how lucky is she that Tricia – very lucky and she knows it.

Washington DC...

This is my 11th COE Annual Conference and 5th one in Washington. I talked to Mitch last night about the two versions of me - the one of 1998 and the one of 2008. Mitch and I met in Tallin, Estonia - he reminded me of the actual conversation and location. The Tricia that came to Washington that year was 'fully formed' but it was coming here and in particular a lunch with Mitch, where, I began to understand what I knew.

This year has also contained a turning point - and my conversation with Rene last night, clarified it. We went off on our own last night and had an amazing dinner. When I was in Antwerp I got a Fortune Cookie which said 'Keep waiting for the right moment' and it's my mantra at the moment - it's important to wait for the right moment and the knowledge is recognising it.

The conference has a final morning session - big breakfast in the Crystal Ballroom - the Tricia of 1998 was completely over-whelmed by these - 2,000 people events - the Tricia of 2008 is much more blase!

Think about Susan everyday as it would have been wonderful to see this through her eyes - and I send her my love. xxxxxxx

back home - but not for long.........

Slobbing on the sofa after an early start to leave Antwerp. Then off again on Monday. I think the day I stop enjoying doing all this I will stop - but at the moment feel quite excited about the way things are happening. I'm also increasingly feeling a sense of 'urgency' about my professional life - I will be 56 in January and lots of people retire at 60 - though I don't feel ready yet! Does add to a real feeling of uncertainty about my future.

Funny thing is - as I've lost weight and probably taken more care about the way of look - I think I look younger than I did a few years ago - and feel overall very positive about my life - as well as being very fortunate and lucky!

Jimmy copes well with me being away and he too is getting older - if Chris hadn't died when he did, Jim would have probably been off to University at this time. So I do feel better about leaving him on his own quite a lot - he's also getting quite a confident cook - saying that every time I go away he cooks more ambitiously. I put three pizzas in the freezer a while ago and there's still two left and that wouldn't have happened a few months ago!

But as I am home I shall now go and cook something for our tea.

Home weekend

A weekend at home - a bit rare this summer- but who's complaining! .....and a busy and social weekend - Cuba night last night and Nita today - talking about my summer and catching up with others.

Feeling good at the moment but aware that I'm coming up to the second anniversary of Chris's death. Know the pain is still there - but it's deeper - but am also increasingly aware that all of us live with pain. Funny as I always knew that Chris 'lived with pain' which he did and I always thought of this as the pain associated with his legs. However the magic of Chris was that he 'lived with pain' in a wider sense and I think I'm beginning to understand more what this means. The importance of small things being just one crucial element of this.

But life is good and should be enjoyed and I do appreciate how lucky I am.

back home....

Well Spain was lovely - we got back on Friday - and although it's great to be home - it was something special being in Gijon. It was a bit weird really - just reading my euphoric blogg of last week - it was a very emotional week - I just had a really strong sense of belonging but also a very powerful sense of 'Chris loss'. It was a 'First' that I hadn't expected - well I knew it was going to be a First - but I just hadn't anticipated how much of a 'Chris First'.

So a lovely summer - Croatia and Asturias, family, old friends and new - what a lucky woman I am. Off to my Dad's 91st Birthday lunch today.

Staying in Spain

Along with Aziz and Jamal, I´m staying with Lara´s parents in Gijon, Northern Spain. It is quite amazing - we have been made so welcomed by all of Lara´s family but particularly her Mum and Dad - and Lara´s never actually met Aziz and Jamal herself yet!

I have found being here very powerful in terms of ´missing Chris´. I can´t think of a time since he died when I really thought - Chris would have loved this so much´ - I felt it a bit of it in Croatia but I suppose I have been concentrating on things that I wanted to do and avoided things that I knew Chris would have loved. So it came a bit out the blue when I got here - more worried about speaking Spanish and being guest of people that I don´t really know - I was never worried about the boys - though I understand my hosts were - in case they got bored but no chance of that!!!

Anyway the Chris thing - I hadn´t thought about - but from the moment I arrived in Galicia - I have just thought time and time again - Chris would have loved this so much. He loved Galicia and Asturias - the one regret he died with was that he never got back to Galicia. We had been planning that trip the day before he died and it wasn't going to work out that year - and he saíd I would really have loved to go back to Galicia again - and I said of course you will but just not this year - and as it turned out - never.

Anyway that feeling was strong and then everything about Gijon and Lara´s parents has been so evocative of Chris. Tano loves his shopping lists, they drink cider, the view is of small boats and proper boats - non of your fancy millionaires boats. The food, the mountains, the campo, even the mutt of a dog - just everything about this place was just Chris´s cup of tea - and even that´s PG tips!

Anyway I have talked a bit to Alex who understood because he had felt it when he visited at Christmas and I have just talked a little bit to Aziz and Jamal, who came round and gave me a cuddle and said everyone has to feel it sometime!! We then talked about Heff and Jeanette but are now going for a swim. Happy happy place too!

My lovely son Alex certainly knows how to pick a wonderful girlfriend, with a gorgeous family. Alex described Lara to her Mum as ´Gorgeous´ and she thought it was something to do with Gorgons! But this family is gorgeous!!!

Different sort of summer

.... with elements that are the same. This is my second Chris-less summer and it has been a nice mixture so far. Two years seems such a long time - yet in some ways no time at all and still a tiny fraction of the time I was with Chris.

We always did holidays - usually for three weeks in the summer and always independent travelling - I've not yet risked going away for three weeks - but maybe next year.

But going away with different people is fun and I particularly enjoyed Franja's company - it was a difficult summer for her - first holiday on her own with her son Jan, since her divorce - and I felt our company helped - we also talked loads and got to know each other really well - which was lovely. I also do love the Croatian islands so much - I had chosen one we'd never been to before - but I still had a few 'Chris moments' - because he too loved the islands - and we did have such happy times there. Particularly Chris's last holiday with Paul and Sue, overlapping with Jimmy and three of his mates.

Rob joining us was also great - and we had the opportunity to talk which - we haven't always been able to do - so that was also a real bonus. It's funny how things work out though - as I was determined to hire a boat - and to do it on my own - but eventually it didn't happen - despite having been booked in advance - and in many ways it felt right that I will do that 'first' another year.

I have also made an important decision this summer. I have decided that I do not want to spend the rest of my life on my own. I'm definitely not going to rush into a new relationship - don't think I could yet anyway - but an important first step is to recognise the fact that I do - at some time in the next few years - want to find a new partner.

Big breath - big decision - makes me feel a bit panicky - but I have started testing out the idea with friends and family - but most importantly with my own head!

So I have decided that over the next year that 'I would be willing to be invited out to dinner' - so I've now told my blogg - still a very scary concept though!

back home - and very late .... and later!

A quick blogg - because it's 3.15am and I'm at work in a few hours - but I needed to blogg to say how wonderful it is to be at home - and how lucky am I to have been away.

Jimmy got BCC in his AS's - which was wonderful - I have just had a great holiday in Croatia....

At this point I fell asleep!

............It's now morning and I have to go work shortly - and as it's Monday dancing later - Jim's off to Leeds festival on Wednesday - we have overlapped for a couple of days all summer!

Jimmy's home...

... and it's so lovely to see him - sounds like he had a great time - and from a Mum's point of view it's just so lovely to have him home safe well and happy - he seems to have grown as well!

Quiet night in..

... back in my own house - with my lovely Kipper - who seems to have reacted well to having been living round at Rob's at night and here during the day. I also think he had a lot of exercise with Rob taking him for three walks a day as well as walking him round and back to his house - Kipper's still sleeping it all off!

Jim still away - apparently they are getting a bit short of money - but that's natural and educational! Alex is also in Germany - not sure where.

Everyone at work is very tired.. delivery only finished last Friday and it's been a long and hard year so far - still seems a remarkable amount going on though - we all went out with the departing GAs and the US Interns on Monday - they go home on Friday - lovely bunch this year.

Being away has made me appreciate how lucky I am to be surrounded by such a great group of people.

Still in Germany

At the end of a very long day – and after a week of being a student which has left me either over confident or just not concentrating – because twice today I have got the tram in the wrong direction - the last time left me at 11.45 at night – in Uber somewhere – which in the pitch dark looked and felt like Uber Nowhere – and I finally worked out that I had got off the last tram of the night! Bit scary but finally found my way - very dark - very quiet - to a bus stop - where a bus magically appeared and after a strange conversation in German - I was back en route to the hotel - passing a sign which said 8km Kassel! - the bus took me - the only passenger on it - round the backstreets of Kassel hinterland – sleeping with all its lights off - before finally getting back to the station - my drop off point for the hotel - I was very relieved to get back here - two hours after I left the restaurant!

Had a weird day – course going well – we – the students are being quite critical of the teaching styles – it’s being run by academics who know their stuff but present it in a somewhat uninspiring manner – I’m not certain that this isn’t just the German method of teaching – but the Dutch and Danish are very critical – I’m just enjoying being a student – and asking difficult questions!

In another completely different way – today’s Lecturer was a bit disconcerting. I have had not had a lot of ‘Seeing Chris’ moments –since he died – a couple – but today as I sat listening to this guy from the Netherlands talking – I became increasingly struck how he had similarities with Chris physically – he was a man about the same age – but he had similarities of build and hair and skin, eyebrows – he didn’t ‘look’ like him – but I don’t know if I have ever seen anyone who ‘resembled’ Chris so much – it was weird. I had to make a conscious decision not to be upset about it - and I wasn’t but I knew I wanted to tell someone – so I have blogged it!

Anyway it’s getting late and I have to be up early to pack and checkout before another couple of sessions before getting the train to another obscure bit of Germany to get home - obviously thinking a lot about Jimmy – also travelling – as he managed to lose his mobile at Benicassim I am relying on Jan, Barney’s Mum for updates on their travels!

Mantra strong - how lucky am I!

Alone in Germany

But OK - not quite certain where abouts in Germnay I am - somewhere called Siegen - it's quite small and pretty and very German - picture postcard houses! The conference in Utrecht was very good - but quite hard work - a few people I knew but I found the whole programme very stimulating and thought provoking!

Off to the opera tonight - it's currently pouring with rain and it's and outdoor production of Aida - have already bought an umbrella - might invest in a more waterproof kagool - could be a long wet night! Talked to Rob and Alex - no news from the festival boy Jim beyond had arrived safely and the coach had been a 'masterstroke'! Rob seems to be coping with the dog - or the dog seems to coping with being at Rob's. so now time for me to go an explore Siegen!

Home alone

... before going off tomorrow - to new, unknown and at the moment bit scary places. Dog completely neurotic - lots of boys with rucksacks this morning was just too much for him - he really gets upset by luggage - and I suppose the atmosphere of excitement - however 'cool' they are!

Feeling that I'm burdening Rob with the dog - but have exchanged kennel fees for (hopefully) last few driving lessons.

Went dancing tonight - a particularly good peer group dance - I did the music for Flow which I was bit nervous about because only I did it at the last minute because of computer problems - but strangely - or perhaps because of time pressures - it went down very well - then after the quickest shower and change ever - went for a drink with Gilly as we haven't seen each other for ages and I'm off tomorrow.

So now I'm home - and home alone - still find this a difficult place to be - probaby because I'm just so unused to it. But I do feel more OK and comfortable than last time - which is good.

Had a text from Jimmy - he's now camping with 30,000 others in Benicassim and the 'Jimmy Jenkins coach' which he arranged apparently was a 'masterstroke' which just feels good.

So home alone - but OK - very aware of how lucky am I to be me!

A weekend of computers and boys

We have had a system32 virus at home - and we've been watching - like last weeks episode of Dr Who - as programme after programme switched themselves off!

You get used to a computer that works - Rob has been absolutely fantastic and re-formatted and re-driven and done all the extra little bits that we wanted - swore quite a lot during the process but got us back on line - followed by everything else - it's all running well now - technology is great when it's working but nothing more irritating when it isn't!

Having boys for the weekend as Peri is in London with the choir - as part of the Last Choir Standing competition - lots and lots of pressure on her as Musical Director. Boys had important weekend with Jamal's Prom on Friday and Aziz had his first proper party last night - beer, girls and being 14!

Tomorrow Jimmy is off to Benicassim for a 10 day music festival with loads of his mates, followed by back packing with a few of them. He has ended up as the chief organiser and he has done so well.

Went for a run this morning and passed the Beech Tree where we scattered Chris's ashes - thought about Chris and how proud he would have been of all his beautiful sons - it's thoughts like that which can still make me cry - but I suppose they always will!

Anyway - time to wake boys up and Peri's coming for dinner when she gets back from London later - I'm off to a conference on Tuesday in Utrecht and then doing a weeks course at a German university - and inspired by Jimmy's festival have arranged to go and see Aida performed outside in a castle next Saturday night. I feel quite excited about going off on my own - I'm moving on.

Feeling tired yet very happy

Went to Deonne's wedding tonight - and it was lovely. Had a few doubts earlier on - not sure who I'd talk to etc and that it is my wedding anniversary today - but it was a lovely wedding party - last year I ducked out of weddings but I suppose I also avoided a lot of other things as well.

Did feel a 'single' woman - but also feel so much more confident with that - also really enjoyed meeting the partners of my staff - which I don't usually do, so all in all an excellent evening/night - it's now 2 and I'm off to meet my family and cousins tomorrow so need to get to bed... but am happy it's my 34th wedding anniversary - and also reconciled to the fact that it's my second without Chris.

Life goes on - and it's now time for bed.......

Still dancing...

Last night with TRiO students at their end of Study Tour Party - great fun!

The week has absolutely flown by - very busy at work - lots of things happening. Off to Berlin tomorrow - spend most of last week trying to write a paper - which I did just in time to photocopy the powerpoint to take with me by 5 on Friday!

Jimmy went to his prom last night - looking gorgeous in his suit - he is so much 'lighter' the last few weeks - I think his exams were putting him under a lot of stress - I also think it has taken him this length of time for him to come out of the shock of his Dad dying, him finding him in the garden and the whole process of us getting back on an even keel.

When I was in Spain - one of my fellow dancers was a young woman of about 32 who was dancing through splitting up with her long term boyfriend - he had found his father dying at the age of 16 and because he hadn't dealt with it - was still - 16 or so years later on - unable to move on and have a relationship. Made me think about my Jimmy - but positive thoughts as I don't think he will be worse off for what happened to him and in many ways the reverse - it has made him take on responsibility for himself (and me) which has made him a more mature young man - and gorgeous in his suit - and that's not just because I'm his Mum!

Saturday morning and the dog's letting me know he wants a walk - then Rob for breakfast and clothes shopping with Jim - which wont take long!

Home from Spain

….. and very content - which is a lovely state of mind. Got back yesterday and almost immediately went to Laurie’s 18th Birthday party – which was a really good do and an opportunity to meet many of my dear friends – I was pretty high after my week in Spain –and felt a very strong desire to keep on dancing – much to Jimmy’s relief I managed to contain myself!!

My dancing week was amazing – lots of new firsts and a real sense of doing things for myself by myself.

Will have to take several weeks – if not longer - to really think through everything but feel very, very lucky that I had the opportunity to do it.

It’s Sunday night and I have a very early start tomorrow – am also pretty knackered – but it’s a lovely feeling to be home – still feeling the warmth and challenge of last week – mummmm it’s a great feeling.

I put my photos of the week on an album:

http://picasaweb.google.com/triciajenkinsno1/CanLlapartJune2008

Now it's time for sleep……………….

Dancing in Spain

Well dancing in Spain is as good as I thought it would be - or had hoped it would be. Today is Wednesday so we only dance once today at 4 which gives us time to visit Bagnoles and the market. We usually dance twice a day for 5 - 6 hours.

There are 20 of us. 3 teachers.16 of us and a beautiful baby. It's one of those experiences that are very intense and will require a lot of thinking through in the future. My life in Liverpool seems a long way away at the moment but that's good and I feel remarkably happy!

Today I go dancing....

… and last night I had butterflies in my stomach – that’s good ‘cos it feels really exciting. Not certain where I’m going or who will be there or what we’ll do – apart from dance!!

Feels like there are lots of new things happening in my life at the moment – and that does make me feel a bit nervous but I do feel more excited than anxious - and also lucky.

Jim, Rob and I met Lara’s parents on Thursday – which went really well – I was invited to go and visit them in Spain before long which I intend to do – so now must really concentrate on getting conversational in Spanish!

I did miss Chris very badly, I just felt he would have got on so well with Lara’s Dad – Chris didn’t really speak Spanish and Lara’s Dad has no English – but many a time we had left Chris in a Spanish bar with a newspaper and come back to find he had managed to communicate in some way with most of the people there. Most famously the time when he was asked out to compare scars with the cousin of the butcher who had been mauled by a bull!

But Chris ’s not here and wasn’t with us when we met Lara's parents but we did fine and tonight I will be dancing in Spain!

Blessing counting time

Sunday morning - am feeling very tired at the moment –– not a bad tiredness but a worn thin – ready for a holiday tiredness. Busy week ahead and then off dancing in Spain for a week – am so excited about this.

This is something that only the ‘new Trish’ could have done. I’m sure Chris wouldn’t have minded me going off for a week dancing in Spain – but I wouldn’t have wanted to do that then. Also on reflection I can see that I did actually feel - that the time that I had with Chris was precious - particularly that last year.

Anyway I now feel that all my time is precious – and a strong desire to make the most of everything. Strangely this can be coupled with times when I don’t want to do anything - not my natural state! But all this reinforces - my mantra - I’m just so lucky to be alive.

Shopping, barbies and Spanish

It’s Sunday morning and I will be going for a run shortly but am feeling a bit hung-over as Gilly and Nita came round for a barbeque and I couldn’t get it to light – it’s got all cracked – so we ended up drinking loads of wine waiting for it to get going. Have decided to go and buy a new one today – this one I bought with Rob when I was going through my bereaved shopping phase.

Having a shopping weekend as I bought a new breadmaker yesterday – as I had started making bread when Chris’s breadmaker – and I do so think of it as his – blew up last week in a puff of acrid smoke – fusing all the electrics – seemed ironic – so I went and bought a Tricia breadmaker and made delicious rolls for the barbie in it!

Working on my Spanish as we’re going to meet Lara’s parents in a couple of weeks. Margaret has given me the Michel Thomas CDs and I really like his approach. Google Translate is also really useful.

Am so looking forward to dancing in Spain - I found this on the internet which is a description of 5 Rhythm Dancing - and I can understand it!

La energía se mueve en olas. Las olas se mueven con patrones. Los patrones se mueven con ritmo. El ser humano es sólo eso: energía, olas, patrones, ritmos. Nada más, nada menos.

So a good weekend after a knackering week. Things to do and things to look forward to.

Bank Holiday Monday

On the spur of the moment - decided last night to go to Old Trafford for the 4th day of the England/New Zealand test - now there's a first! Went with Jim and Rob - and we watched England win - which was a great day out - did think I would put this on facebook - but not yet got the hang of that - so here is a picture of an England cricketer making his 100 - am never going to get the details right on these!

England scored sufficiently early for me to get back for dancing - so that was also a result. Feel better cos at least did something this weekend! Work tomorrow and HrH on Wednesday and then a bid to write by Friday 12 noon. But feel happier so that's good!

Bank Holiday and feeling weary

It’s very early and I have been up several times as the dog started and then the fuse box tripped – and set the alarm off twice - no idea why! Feeling pretty exhausted at the moment anyway – not sure if I’m down or just tired or maybe a bit of both. I should have been walking with my sisters this week but I had to cancel because of the opening of the building – it would be really nice to be walking and talking for a week – so perhaps that’s why I feel a bit low.

Had the boys last night – and I made bread and mini pizzas and we watched the Eurovision Song Contest – I fell asleep on the sofa before all the votes were all finally in!

Started to clean out the backroom yesterday and inevitably found Chris stuff – don’t know if I should do any more of that this weekend. Yes – I have decided I am a bit down at the moment – that’s good now I recognise it – I can start to pull myself out of it. Maybe the Bank Holiday has just given me an extra day and therefore the time to be down though I'm cross with myself for 'wasting it' - it's catch 22 because I feel weary and therefore can't be bothered to do anything.

I think the tiredness is a big issues for me at the moment. So maybe I should do nothing this weekend - but I've never been very good at that!

Jimmy is 18

.. and gorgeous - he is such a lovely lad. We are watching the European Cup - he can't do anything tonight as he has 3 physic exams tomorrow - and I'm so proud of him - as he has taken these exams very seriously - a few weeks ago I really didn't think he was on track but the penny seems to have dropped over the last few days - and at the moment - half way through - he seems to have done OK - I'm holding my breath and just hoping... it's so hard being a parent cos you can't do it for them - not that I could have ever done physics AS! He does seem positive at the moment - which is great.

Stuff at work rumbles on - the opening of the building next week is pretty hysterical - it's an unbelievable mess at the moment - but hopefully it's like spring cleaning and everything falls into place very quickly at the last moment!

Feel much more positive myself this week - a good long conversation with Margaret last night helped - and the dog seems to have calmed down with his early morning barking - but maybe I'm sleeping better and not quite so sensitive to it.

So my baby is 18 - have felt a bit of a Chris absence tonight - but that's right and normal - it's a significant day.

Bloggs and Facebook and an insomniac dog!

Well have now joined Facebook and have 4 friends! Have been thinking about the differences between blogging and face-booking - not sure yet - but will work it out - the big thing must be the reciprocity - I feel the blogg is very one way - well from my point of view - anyway - I think I will probably be more 'honest' on the blogg and I look foreward to seeing what other people are up to.

Tried to switch off over the weekend - as was very pressurised last week - and in danger of losing the plot at times. Have realised one big problem - I'm not sleeping - well I'm waking when it gets light - and today have worked out why - Kipper is waking at dawn and barking and barking! Sounds stupid that I hadn't realised but 4.15 is no-ones best time. I've been aware I'm awake ridiculously early - and then not going back to sleep -but I hadn't linked it to the dog barking. Though I should - as it's a bit obvious! The clocks went foreword and then I was in France etc and I just thought I wasn't sleeping and not being get back to sleep - that probably isn't just the dog - that's the stress of the last couple of weeks.

Anyway - Jim and I have discussed it and we are going to try various options - one a night - very scientific - tonight we will leave the radio on - to see if that helps. It's just after 9 and I've been awake for 17 hours and it really is too early to go to bed - though I'm very tempted.

Ups and downs and changes

Having particularly upsetting time at work at the moment – lots of stuff which I’m taking personally – and ending up struggling to see the woods for the trees – hopefully will be the other side of things in a couple of weeks.

Anyway today I have made a couple of decisions – I'm applying for a course in July – which if I get on it will be good – feeling very strongly that I need to move onto other things. Today when I felt really low I had a call from my colleague/friend from Glasgow which was really good – but reinforced this feeling that I do need to move on.

The other thing I have decided today is to join Facebook – I will keep my blogg – as this is me – reflecting on where I’m up to and in many ways replacing ‘Chris conversations’ – the Facebook is not that at all - but me day to day - though am not really sure yet - so far I have one friend – but welcome any blogg readers to become my second one!

Jimmy did 2 of his maths exams today and was positive tonight - which is really good. I'm so holding my breath on this one.......

Lovely weekend

Peri’s choir was in London so had the boys from Friday evening – made pizza’s for the first time since Chris died – as I’ve started making bread again – occasionally – the pizzas were really good - we then played cards – and Alex appeared later on, Jimmy was out at another 18th Birthday party.

Walked with my sisters and the boys on Saturday , whilst Alex did Maths and Physics with Jimmy. Later booked flights for Fiona, Rob, Becki and I to meet on Mali Losinj for a week, hopefully overlapping with Franja and her son and then Renata. Croatian islands and Pizza - a Chris weekend but without Chris - I talked to Jenny on Saturday and then Ruth and Peri on Sunday about how other people fill the gaps in your life. And yesterday we went to Gilly’s 50th Birthday dinner, which was really lovely, I made a speech. Back to work now…

France

Was good - lots of old villages, churches, aqueducts, history and medieval/roman ruins etc interspersed by markets, wild horses and mountains. I did less walking than I would have liked and Gilly did more than she would have like - but as good friends we compromised.

Thought a lot about Chris, for several reasons, we had travelled that area together and with the boys, he would have liked the format of the holiday and I just missed his knowledge and company.

Back home to find Rob – just happening to be here – which was lovely – it’s nice to come back and talk about where you’ve been. Jim has been fine but is getting a bit freaked about his exams which start in a week’s time, Alex on the phone – connecting with my three lovely boys.

Work tomorrow – can’t say I feel ready or up for it – probably because I’ve switched off – which is good. Walk with my sisters on Saturday and then Gilly’s birthday dinner on Sunday.

Feel tired but not sleepy but happy to be home.

The weekend was not long enough

Feeling very tired at the moment - and yes I have had a good weekend - never did the walk with Gilly - a combination of rain and stuff - but the rest happened - a lovely birthday tea yesterday - half way between Jamal's and Aziz's birthday - on request tomato soup and home made bread rolls - Chris would have been proud of them - not baking as regularly as he did - but have started to make bread occasionally - and should do it more often as home made bread is pretty special!

Went for lunch with Mum, Dad, Jim and Becki today - Rob was working and the boys went home as it is the fifth anniversary of Heff's death today - made me remember sitting on Peri's sofa that awful morning telling the boys that their Dad had died - they were only 5 and 8 at the time - a good contrast with last night when Rob and I played very competitive cards with the boys - a lovely normal family evening.

Lunch today was also lovely - Becki was gorgeous and Mum and Dad were both in good form - Dad's hearing aids seem to be working better and he was more involved in the conversation - he is so sharp - my Dad is pretty magic - he doesn't really converse very much these days - and if he does start talking my Mum often just talks over him - but when he talks it is special - he started crying today when he talked about friends who died at Dunkirk. he is now 90 and my Mum is 88 - though she doesn't look it and still swims 20 plus lengths most days. She has just been eased off the Abbeyfield Committee - they seem to have done it well and it must have been difficult for them - she has been secretary for the last 30+ years and key to their current building etc etc - but she is probably several if not many years older than most of their residents - she is pretty amazing too!

Anyway I feel pretty tired tonight and don't really feel ready for next week which will be a hard one - but the good thing is that I'm off next Friday to Provence with Gilly for a few days as her 50th birthday holiday. Funny can't believe Gilly is 50 - she was about 14 when I first met her! Gilly has given up smoking after 30+ years and has found it as difficult as it is - she has done really well though - but really giving up smoking means changing your life and lifestyle - not easy things to do by any means.

Have just read my emails and really feel for this guy I know - as he had managed to send this very personal email to one person to an email list which I'm on. It was a long and very personally reflective email that he had intended for one person which by mistake he sent to all of us followed by an other email when he had realised what he had done. Thought about my blogg but thought that although I don't know who is reading this (with a few exceptions) I am aware that people are reading it and write with that knowledge.

Still I love my blogg! it gives me space to write/talk about myself and for those of you that are interested enough to read it - thank you!!!!

Tired and not convinced..

Been an irritating and tiring week - came back from Edinburgh this evening - it's a long journey, especially as I only went up yesterday afternoon.

Last night went for dinner with colleagues and especially Fiona from Glasgow. We had a really good conversation 'til quite late on - our careers have had a lot of similarities and over the years we have got quite close - so that was good. I talked about dancing and also reflected on being in Edinburgh - not a huge first - but I had lived there for three years with Chris and sometimes a place or a thing will get you thinking and talking!

Feel a bit dissatisfied at the moment, work mainly - not the people or the place but the frustration that sometimes comes in any job. It's making me question what I want to do in the future - already a bit of a question in my mind and I suppose when something is on your mind - everything just reinforces it!

Anyway - a nice weekend to stop thinking about work - a walk with Gilly tomorrow, the boys and a birthday tea for Jamal tomorrow night with them staying over and then on Sunday, lunch with my parents, Jimmy and Becki , Rob's working, for Mum's 88th birthday which we missed because of the wedding last weekend. So hopefully a full and leisurely weekend when I can stop my brain whirling and hopefully get some sleep.

Very special wedding

Quaco and Sophie’s wedding was so lovely. I went with Margaret and we felt very honoured as our role in their meeting was acknowledged in the speeches and the actual ceremony. The links with Sophie and Quaco are special – deepened as a consequence of Sophie being with me when I got that awful phone call from Jimmy - sometimes people just become special in your life and they are – they are also just two of the loveliest people I know. So an extra-ordinarily happy wedding as the beaming smiles in this picture show!




Another working week tomorrow – hope the pleasure of the weekend stays with me – but I think I will better this week – hope so – the thoughts of my lovely friends also give me a warm feeling –and yes spring is in the air!

visiting dark places

I’ve had a shit day and though I recognise that these things happen from time to time – I’m still struggling a bit with everything at the moment -like everyone does.

Tonight – I can’t find any real justification for anything apart from I’m trying to do the best with my life. The fact is that I’m just feeling a bit lost at the moment.

My lovely Rob came round tonight – unexpectedly – it was if he knew I was feeling so low – and he told me that he’s come off his medication and he wanted to talk – I feel a pretty shit mother – cos I was obsessed with myself and my own shit day – but Rob is so lovely - he thinks so much – and who should say he shouldn’t - but I‘m just feeling so low I don’t know anything very much at the moment.Perhaps it's good for Rob to see me not coping - Jim's out tonight which I'm glad about.

Days like today happen – sometimes you feel shit – and I suppose that – know – that I should just recognise this – feeling very vulnerable though – but that’s life – you go up and down – hoping tomorrow that I will find a justification for doing what I do/exist for – not certain what the alternatives are but hope I can find them tomorrow.

Wide awake

Saturday night

Gilly has been round for tea –drinking wine, watching TV, talking, being mates – being home – good stuff – my brain is still buzzing from being away – body also – wide awake at 12.30 – when I should be knackered – not certain if I will get up at 9 tomorrow for a run!

Jim wasn’t very well last night – had a temperature and a bad cough – he seemed better today – out at Richard’s tonight – but that’s just a few doors down – felt glad I was home when he felt unwell – though I was out on Lark Lane with Gilly last night early on – being selfish in many ways.

My Mum said that it was good for Jimmy, as the baby of the family, to have to take responsibility – with me being away etc – and like all these things I think yes and no. He didn’t need/deserve what happened to him – but maybe it has given him real strength and it certainly has changed him for the rest of his life.

Also makes me aware that I’m also a third child (and child of two third children) – never had the responsibility of my older sisters – took me so long to understand many things which maybe Jimmy now understands – Chris certainly understood so many more things more than I did/do – his childhood experiences - gave him grief but also knowledge.

I have felt a real Chris loss the last couple of days – my head’s buzzing and I miss the ‘talking through stuff’ I would have had with Chris – hence two long bloggs!

My current obsession – compounded by the books that I have been reading - have made me think a lot about the things that you have absolutely no control over – like your mother’s state of mind, life style etc while she was carrying you – I think I had though through some of the stuff about the family environment for a baby/child – but the more I think it through - the more I see the legacy being a so incredibly fundamental part of who you are. Again my mantra – how lucky am I.

But it also makes me also think about my children – I can but hope I/we did our best – we did what we thought was good for our children and ourselves - but whether that was the right thing - I don't know. It also makes me think about definitions of ‘success’ – this is something that is so huge that my brain really does hurt tonight!

It’s now 1 in the morning and I think I should sleep. Thinking is good though……..

happy to be home...............

Back home in my favourite bed combo – camomile tea, hot water bottle, MY music and blogging.

Today started somewhere and at sometime in the middle of the Atlantic – got home 11ish and after a quick sleep – went into work briefly with Jimmy as he had a maths session with his tutor Helena and I wanted to show myself at work – building work seems ongoing but Debs seems to have got on top of the crazy furniture situation and all seemed purposeful and good.

Rob, Jim and I went to Tesco’s – managed the shopping bit - put 35p worth of petrol in tank and flooded the forecourt with petrol before giving up – one task to much for a tired brain!

It was so lovely to be home tonight – back on my sofa – knitting and watching the last episode of the Big Experiment.

Brain full of the last week – it was a good one – in particular the Medicine Wheel – spent time at the conference talking and being inspired by First Nation Canadians and their wonderful approach to holistic education. Much food for thought.

Being away – makes me so appreciative of my life – the ‘So how lucky am I mantra’ – fills my being tonight. It’s nearly midnight and I have a full day tomorrow but the jetlag starts kicking in at this time and I don’t feel ready for sleep – after a week of wanting to go bed by 9 most nights and then being wide awake at 4.30!

Read 2 books on the way home – one a story of a hundred plus year of a Metis family – which was one of those happen chance things as I have just spent 3 days talking to people from Manitoba – and the other on the Medicine Wheel – again – as I had just chosen the books at ‘random’ – it’s resonance was remarkable – I bought a third book but I’m too tired tonight to start reading it – but I know it will provide further food for thought.

Very full of thoughts tonight – so happy to be home – boys, Mum and Dad fine – though my Mum was cross with herself for falling again today – her body is getting tired but her spirit is still very strong – thankfully she didn’t break any bones.

Camomile tea, fragrant oils and music doing their trick - sleep is a warm prospect………………

America

I find America such an incredibly difficult place – the profligacy and wanton waste of resources, including people, very quickly gets to me. The recession and the election seem to have added another layer of barely hidden hysteria to the country this time. Went out for dinner with Brenda last night and I think Trish was shocked by hearing her analysis of the reality of the American way of life for her students.

Anyway we are off to Boston today and Canada tomorrow – I’ve never been to Canada so I’m looking forward to that. It’s still very early here but I’ve been awake for what seems like ages – too much time think!

A long day of thinking - and a good book

I got back tonight late after not getting the job. Feel pretty jaded but strangely not because I didn’t get it - I sat in the middle of the interview thinking - I don’t really want to do the sorts of things they were asking me about - and dinner later on confirmed my gut feeling - but what the whole process has left me with is a strong sense of - Well – what do you want to do then!

I had seen the post as an opportunity for me to do more of the things I am committed to doing but in a bigger setting – but the actual job wouldn’t have been that. I’ve had a lot of time to think today – as I had to stay over to Friday as the successful candidate attended a board meeting today – so I had booked on a late flight the day after the interview. I finally heard at 10 this morning, that I hadn’t got the job so I went to Amsterdam - tried to buy a new outfit for Sophie’s wedding but ended up walking/tramming miles and thinking about things.

I also must have passed almost every hotel/restaurant/memorable Chris location in Amsterdam – it was that sort of day - we went quite a few times just Chris and I, but also with the boys and friends including 17 of us for Chris’s 50th Birthday.

So a long - and in many ways - a boring day – but a day when I didn’t get a job but also one which has made me quite glad that I didn’t get it – but a day that also gave me a lot of time to think about what do I want to do now. I also had a wonderful book that I had bought in the aiport on the way out - about India - it gave me the best bits of my day.

Back home – in my own bed – with a glass of wine, a large camomile tea AND a hot water bottle – I am so very happy to be home – I’m glad I applied for the post – I think that as a widow of 18 months – to have made a realistic application is a pretty good mind set – I’m genuinely glad I didn’t get it because I don’t think it would have been right for me – BUT it has raised the big question – one which all of us face - but circumstances make us comfortable and so we don’t address it – what am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Anyway got home – Jim’s round at Joe’s – pile of letters including a string of Nepalese prayer flags from my sister Jenny – I will put them on a pole in the garden - that's a good thing to do.

Feeling happy - a combination of blogging my thoughts and being comfortably at home – the epicentre of my life/world - doesn't answer the question of what I'm going to do with the rest of my life - but makes me appreciate what I have got!

Easter Saturday

Easter is always a funny holiday with a bank holiday on the Friday – but this year it seems very weird – as it's just so early. I had intended to take the boys away for a few days – but just never got round to organising it – and then Easter arrived!

Glad of a few days off though. Things at work still a real mess, in terms of the move, with the furniture order and delivery being completely shambolic. The actual work is good and busy, though the building being such a mess is starting to get at me - and the rest of the team I think – they have had to deliver big sets of activities – like summer schools – working out of it. They are a great team though – I had a visitor the other day and we were talking about who was in the team, and how they’d got there etc – and it made me really recognise the fact, that they are a pretty unique set of people. I suppose that’s one of the major reasons that I love my job – because of them. Another how lucky moment!

Got my interview on Thursday and I am feeling quite nervous – not about the interview itself - but about what happens if I do get it - as it will be my first big change since Chris died. It wouldn’t involve leaving my current job as it would be part-time but it would be a new big thing for me.

I am trying to be very rational about whether I get it or not. I know that there are two of us being interviewed and that I’m not the no 1 candidate – and I know to get the post I will have to convince them that the organisation needs to change – so if I do get it then they want change – i.e. me and I’ll be pleased and excited – and if I don’t get it - it means they don’t want change and therefore it wont be me and I will pleased not have got the job!

So I shall now try not to think about it until Wednesday!

Alex’s is home so Jim will have another few days of Physics and I’m knitting Lara a hat – am making loads of hats at the moment – Gilly round for tea tonight and then a load tomorrow for Sophie’s 21st dinner and then walking on Monday with the boys and the Heyhursts – hope the weather’s a bit better for Monday – and I want to get back in time to dance. I have just booked a weeks dancing in Spain in June – and am really excited about the prospect. Dancing is a really big thing in my life at the moment – it’s my focus and also the time when I stop thinking – it’s that kind of dancing!

I’m increasingly feeling happy which is a good feeling. I was talking about it to Stella last night over a curry – how my brain/heart had a lot of connections to Chris which were suddenly and overnight cut. I haven’t lost any of these connections to things in the past - as those only now exist in the past but I did lose all the current connections. Over time I’ve made new connections to different things and people – and as my brain/heart builds up connections – it is increasingly making me feel happy. Makes sense to me!

Another week flies by.............

It’s Saturday morning and I’m still in bed – don’t feel as stressed, just hung over, went round to Deirdre’s last night and then met Les, Sophie and Fiona in Estabans – so it was like two lots of wine drinking in one night! Decided last night that I had been really stressed last weekend – the lack of sleep through waking ridiculously early didn’t help - so even though I feel a bit rough this morning – do feel less stressed - talking helps. It was very good talking to Deirdre last night – her father has just died suddenly – so we went deep.

Going to pick the boys up this morning as they’re staying tonight as Peri is rehearsing – going for a walk tomorrow – but nothing else planned – feeling a bit lazy but I can hear the dog barking - time to get up!

Stress!

As I ran through the park yesterday morning - I decided I am feeling stressed at the moment!

The move at work has been extremely shambolic - despite the best efforts of Debbie and the rest of the team - and much harder than I anticipated – three weeks which have given me tangible proof that Chris was right - attention to the little things in life is so important!

A busy ‘boy friendly’ weekend with Gilly round on Saturday night – writing my ‘Strategy’ for the interview in a fortnight - and continuing to put Chris’s music onto the computer and the fun bit - selecting two playlists of music for dancing tonight!

I have decided I’m stressed because I keep waking up ridiculously early – sometimes I start working and other times listen to music – but just not getting back to sleep. Have decided am not worried about being stressed but am glad I have recognised it.